11/24/2016: MDWG

11/24/2016: MDWG

11:59pm –

God, I thank you that you’ve given me the ability to improve myself. Through Your Word and through Your wisdom, you teach us to become better. Thank you God.

Lord, I messed up a lot today because I followed what feels good instead of what’s important or what is good. Jesus, this Thanksgiving weekend, I have many things to be thankful for. But let me not be just thankful for one day, may it be for eternity. Your praise will ever be on my lips.

In this world, there is a never-ending truth, and that is, Jesus loves You. God, thank you for loving me! Thank you Jesus, for dying for me! The only blood that washing me clean is You, O Lord.

God, may you bless those who love You, and bring those who hate you back to You. Thank you Jesus. God, I know that Thanksgiving is not about food, and it should never be about food, but about You love, your kindness, Your goodness, Your Ebenezer. Thank you Jesus, thank you God.

 

Song: Jesus loves You- Stream of Praise

12/6/2012: Toys and “Adult-only”

12/6/2012: Toys and “Adult-only”

{S: 10:46pm}  As with all my blogs, I try to keep it short because “brevity is the soul of wit.”

I’m waiting for my shipment from Japan.  It contains my temporary solution to a permanent problem.  Temporary because once I have a godly wife, I wouldn’t need those toys.  Yes, they are adult toys, male masturbators I am ordering.  I brought the cheapest ones because I’m on a budget.

I have to order them because I cannot go on anymore.  I feel so lonely and I’m praying to God everyday for a future wife.  Now before you judge me, I’ll let God be my judge.  I don’t want to sin against God and it is the best thing I can do without going crazy.  I don’t want to sin against God by going to clubs or to find a hook-up and, thus, sin against that person.  It is a private pain and I find that the next best solution is to do this.

It’s difficult for me to write these adult blogs, which brings me to another point.  Why are things coined “adult” in today’s society always mean something sinful:  “Adult” content, “adult” toys, “adult” movies, “adult” magazines, etc?  It makes me think something is wrong with society.  Is being an adult sinful?  And then I see labels that read “Keep away from children.”  It’s sad that in today’s world, before Jesus comes back, there will always be things that are anti-children and “adult only.”

That is not how it should be.  The Bible says we are supposed to be like children when we enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Luke 18:17).  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 19:14).  But, it is because humankind delights in the deeds of darkness so they add signs that say “adults only” or “must be over 18,” or even “password-protected.”  I’m sharing this because I don’t want to stay in the darkness.  I want the light of truth and the light by telling the truth.

People say they can “read him like a book.”  Well, that is my goal because I love the truth.  {E: 11:08pm}

12/9/2010: Love people. God judges.

12/9/2010: Love people. God judges.

S: 8:45am

E: 9:22am

I am just about to start making an Asia Friend Finder / OkCupid account but before I do that, there are a few things I wish to write.

I just came back from guard today, and, surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard. I always hate guard because I have to suffer so much. In one day, I finished Book One of The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. My sister likes to read Harry Potter books but for me, this is it. Before reading those Narnia books, I read the Choose Your Own Adventure version of Narnia, called Narnia Solo Games. I played all four books and grew in love with the series. I’m thinking about making my own choose your adventure story.

There is one thing that happened to guard today that is very important. I was on my sleep shift and my sergeant had the same shift as me. He woke me up halfway into the shift and told me we have to go back to the ECP because there was some work to do. I didn’t quite understand what he was saying, so I started to ask questions. It went downhill from there. My sergeant became very mean and hard as stone. I’m a bit traumatized. I don’t understand why my sergeant is acting this way nor do I understand what is going on. Back at the ECP, I thought of a way to bring this issue up because this is an issue that needs to be understood and resolved.

I said, “Sergeant [name], it seems like I’m walking on eggshells. Why is it like this?”

As soon as I said that, my sergeant finally opened up and spilled the truth to me, and although I was nervous and a bit afraid, I’m happy to know the truth. He told me that I have a tendency to always want to know everything and if I do it in front of his superiors, it seems like he can’t control his soldiers. He went on and on trying to get me to understand his point of view. I listened attentively, eager to resolve this conflict. He told me that since my rank is a specialist, I should just execute and not ask questions about why. I thought about what he said and I told him, honestly, that he’s right. It is always me to want to know the big picture. I feel that by knowing as much as I can, I can grow in life skills, but I never noticed that my probing is bothering him. He told me it’s all about perception. If he tells a soldier to do something and that soldier asks “why?” it will make the sergeant look bad. I never realized this so I behaved oblivious to it. He told me he has to play the game, and the game all about appearance. Inside myself, I knew this is wrong. Why can’t man look at the heart also? I told him I will keep this perspective aware as a soldier. In this messed up world, these flawed rules apply, but I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. If you wait long enough, he will come back.

While I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia, the rest of my battle buddies are watching the TV show Lost. I ignored it and as I listened to the plot and the drama, I began to be upset. God’s truth in the Bible shines so much light on this drama. If only these people could start caring about others first instead of themselves, loving one another as themselves, if only they follow God’s ways, then boom! the conflict’s resolved.

James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

If only these characters can stop living for themselves and start living for God and for others, everything will be blissful. There would be peace like a river. I can’t stand watching these secular movies. All I see is people trying to follow their evil desires. They need to live for God, not themselves. Amen! Desire leads to sin and sin, when it is full-grown, leads to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

These characters need to shut the fuck up and follow God, excuse my language, because His ways are the best. They fight for stupid reasons; they kill for stupid reasons, and in the end, they actually hurt themselves. Think of the possibilities if only the characters love one another and let God be the judge.

Psalms 25:10 ¶All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful ¶for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11/29/2010: Free-writing

11/29/2010: Free-writing

S: 7:38am

E: 8:21am

I love journal writing or writing on my discovery because I get to free-write. I love free writing because I get to put my thoughts out. It doesn’t have to make sense; it just has to make sense to God :) .

Well, actually, it’s quite hard to free write when I’m also trying to defecate. Heh, but it’s okay, what matters is that I do my best to worship God.

This world is so messed up now. I can sense it every day and it seems to be getting stronger. I can feel more hate when passing people. I still try to say “hi!” or “good to see you.” They can hate but I will love because love comes from God.

It’s sad that when times are hard, people tend to be meaner to each other. They love others less while they love themselves more. When times are good, if you say “hi” to them, most likely they will say “hi” back. Now, if I say “hi” to them, they just ignore me. I can sense the increased amount of stress. I think this is what distinguishes Christians and non-Christians. When times are hard, Christians tend to rely more on God and seek spiritual help from other Christians. They become more loving, happy, patient, peaceful, because these heavenly gifts comes from God. Non-Christians, however, transfer the love they had for people back to themselves. They become more selfish, more self-centered, meaner, and they do more evil things. When a disaster comes, Christians tend to help people while non-Christians tend to destroy people. And yes, there are good people outside of Christianity too, but that is self-righteousness. The Bible says there is no one good but God alone (Mark 10:18). The good things that we do come from the flesh and since they come from the flesh, they are like “filthy rags” to God (Isaiah 64:6). The flesh can do both good and evil but because it is also capable of evil, the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:5-7). His standard is perfection (Matthew 5:48). Only our spirit, through God’s Holy Spirit is acceptable to Him because it is completely good. We can only worship God in spirit and in truth.

Okay, I finally took a dump! Mission accomplished! Heh. I remember while I was still on the say, I thought of the verse:

James 1:15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I need to be careful. It’s not what I want; it’s what God wants. I think I thought of this because to me, taking a dump is like giving birth. It’s not easy and once the movements come, I have to go! I can’t just give birth any time I want.

I remember my mom also has this problem. Sometimes, she would say, “Praise God, I was finally able to drop a big one!” or “Aaah, I feel so good now, now that I took a dump.” I would be surprised that she said it but, now, it makes sense. Once I feel what others feel, it makes sense.

I think the ability to pray to God is such a wonderful gift. When this world gives me the hates, I can always talk to God in prayer. I know that God is the ultimate judge and power comes from Him. I feel peace in the midst of chaos because I can always talk to God about my thoughts and troubles. Anxiety

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I will always pray, pray, when things go wrong till in your heart rings heaven’s song, the loving God, His voice will hear come back to Him he’s always near.

Communication with people is important, but communication with God is more important. Everything that has to do with God is always more important because God is always important. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and He created us.

There is still so much I want to write such as the “trial-and-error” logic. Human reasoning is very flawed because there is always something that humans don’t know. On the other hand, God’s Word is always correct because God knows everything. One reason why I love free-writing is because it also allows me to a preparatory phase before writing a paper on a topic. Maybe that’s what I’m going to do! When I get an essay assignment from English class, instead of using outlines, and drafts, I will just write about it. Free-write. Then, I can reread and harvest the gems to put on my essay, after some organization. To beat an essay I will write about it. To win a war, like what Winston Churchill did, he just talked about it!

12/28/09: About Baptism

12/28/09: About Baptism

 

Another thing that concerns me is baptism. I would feel more comfortable if it was just Jesus, Pastor John, and me there. As private as possible because if it’s open, I’m afraid people would not attend it. I’m afraid people would judge me because so few of them would attend my baptism. That might reinforce the fact that I’m not popular, or socially adept. It might bring the “who cares about Steven” mentality.

No, the truth is, I feel hurt when I’m not treated equally as others. Only this time, it’s my fault since I was really introverted and closed to my church before I joined the Army. I don’t want to know the truth because the truth hurts. I already know I’m unpopular. I already know that nobody cares about me equally. It’s painful enough. I don’t want to see the consequences of it. There are times when I just want to give trying to be with people and kill myself since without others I cannot survive. I tried going alone in the Army and it nearly drove me crazy. I was on the verge of death until I decided to take the guts to reconnect with God’s family. I might as well know the truth before I die, but I was wrong. I received many e-mails from my church asking how I was doing. Then, when I made a facebook account, I was surprised at the results. I am a lot closer to reality now, and I know the truth. People treat me differently at church because I am still an outsider. And I probably always will be. It’s painful; another thorn I have to endure.

But then, there are many times I tell myself: who cares? The only person I need is Jesus. With God, all things are possible. I can go through life alone with Jesus. I tried it. I can’t. I still sin against God. I needed Christians to help me spiritually against the forces of darkness (esp. flesh).

This is why I’m thinking, forget it. I don’t need to be baptized here. There are too many social repercussions for me. It’s too painful. And even if the people treated me equally, I might not be able to stand it, since I wasn’t used to it. But then, life is all about stepping outside the comfort zone and trusting in God. I tell myself frequently that many times, I can’t do it, but I will do it anyways because I trust in God and God will take care of me. And yes, God did take care of me even though sometimes it was in the end.

Then, another issue is, am I ready to be baptized? God helped me so much in the Army, I cannot deny it. I can write stories after stories about what the Lord had done for me. But, I still sin against God. Many times, I still choose to follow the desires of my flesh instead of God. I would be in conflict and agony until I give up to my flesh. Then, I would be in agony again because of it. I continue to follow God, I continue to seek Him, because I need Him, and He created me. My spirit says yes, but my flesh says no.

Lastly, I”m still thinking whether to make facebook a picture of my Dorian Gray, but it could be too embarrassing for me.

9/8/09

9/8/09

S: 4:33am
E:

I woke up early to write about my life. I feel I need to write it edown or I will forget it.

I feel so alone, so isolated. The girls I love, my dreams, my goals, they all seem so hard, impossible, to attain. I don’t want to live anymore. All I see in my road of life is suffering, pain, shame, dishonor, curses, hatred, loniness, wasted oppertunites (because I no longer have the power to take advantage of it), anger, etc. Of course I love my church. I want to reconnect with them, but, they don’t want me, they don’t need me. Of course God doesn’t need any of us, but I don’t feel loved by my church. My heart is in pain. My soul cries. I really want to love my church, the church of my youth, but they are not willing.

I’m never going to find a wife in my church. They all seem so seculer. They use God instead of giving him glory. Their music, taste, movies, almost everything, reflects a secular lifestyle. And Dorcas? She is not the godly person I envisioned her to be. In fact, let me look at her profile…. The first thing I see is her daily horoscope. All her personal information does not reflect the Lord. I cannot tell if she is a Christian just by looking at her info. And.. she hid her reglious status. She doesn’t even claim to be a Christian. Of course, she might just be hiding this from me, but why would she? Her favorite quotations are not from the Bible, none of them are. The first one is “go die!” Wow…. I hate being a stalker, but I need to see the truth.

Ok, go to Endora —. She already has a boyfriend, so I will not even consider her anymore.

While I’m waiting… I want to say that I love all of them. Hopefully everyone from church even through they don’t really like me. Many of their values don’t reflect God. In fact, I can’t tell if they are Christian unless they say so.

Ok, back to Endora. I’m happier for her. I know her mom is a grat women of God. And she is clearly influenced by her. Praise God! :) Her description says “Jesus, I’m kneeling at your feet. Life is knocking me down. Come and fill me up.” I’m happy for her. Happy that she still loves the Lord. Her infomation more closely reflects God, but still.. it is littered with dramas and secularism. Still, I’m happy for her. She loves “Christian and fob songs.” And her info mentions Jesus. I’m happy for her.

This is her about me:

I love to sing. I’m pretty short. I can be loud but also really shy at times. I love GOD. I love kids. Taiwan is the best place in the world. I don’t like green onions and I live for Jesus. :]

~The biggest lesson I’ve learned in this life is to forgive those who judge you the most because those who judge you the most, are only afraid to be judged. WWJD?~

She loves the Lord. Amen.

If she is still avaliable, I would have hit her…. She is still so beautiful to me. Of course I love everyone, but I still love her….

Ok, I’m done updating my facebook again. She made me state my political views. And now I know she might be Taiwanese. Heh, not that it’s a good thing….

You know what, let me also see Emily –‘s profile….

Her’s is also more Christian. Her status states: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Amen. Praise the Lord.

About Me:
I’m really boring and I honestly love watching tv and sleeping.

That just isn’t fair…. I’m really boring too, but she has so many friends (496). I need to go now. SGM. Just a false alarm. Whew. Why do people do these things? That’s just like lying.

Ok, now let me see Jonathan —-‘s profile. I remember him as a friend back when I was young.

His profile also has God in it. That’s good, praise God. He enjoys making people smile. Heh, I enjoy helping others. That’s good.

About Me:
Entertaining people makes me smile. To see people happy, laughing, and having fun makes my day. To see the opposite makes me depressed.

When I grow up, I want to be an actor and a high school teacher.

Cooking is something I have the capability of doing.

The first impression people have of me is either “weird”, “freaky”, or “scary”.

One of my goals in life is to be as good of a friend to someone as they will let me be.

I have made a bunch of mistakes, all of which I truly regret.

People find me a lot less mysterious that I actually am.

A skill of expertise that I have is creating illusions of myself.

Ok, I’m thinking about packing up for this discovery. I’m tired and need rest.

Oh, before I forget, let me check Carrian —‘s profile.

Never mind, no time. I was partially right. The 1SG is coming. Better pack up.

Lord, I am kneeling at your feet. Come fill me up.

It’s not about me, its about God.

Help me Lord, keep me alive.

8/25/2009

8/25/2009

S: 7:32
E: 7:50?ish

I hate it how once I finished with all my necessary things, I hardly have time for myself. I wanted to continue to update my facebook so I can invite my friends. But that would have to wait.

As I said before, I am a weak person. I have to rest, to sleep early, just so I can be on equal grounds with my peers. I’m tired, yet I don’t want to sleep yet. I want to reconnect with my friends.

I wrote a list of 11 goals that I hope to accomplish during my stay in the Army. I plan to publish it on facebook. I grow to like facebook now. It serves as a way for me to connect with my friends even though I’m 500 or 5000 miles away. It enables me to see the faces of those I love when I was young again. I really miss them. I want to touch them, to talk to them again.

Again, this diary is for myself only. It’s clearance is top-secret heh. My facebook is secret (friends). And while my military friends have classified ratings, some I will allow to be my friend. That’s why there is a conflict in me. My facebook is about my thoughs and my feelings. But what if those near me now see them as hostile? They might attack me, mistreat me, and so forth. I am only saying what I think. Do I have a right to do that? Am I not a soldier of Christ and also a soldier of freedom also? For it is in Christ that sets us free. I am going to include what I wrote in the office so I don’t have to keep pieces of my treasures around.

8/25/09

S: about 4pm

My heart is stirred by a noble theme, as I recite the verses of the king.

I am in conflict whether to invite my military friends on Facebook or not. Facebook is a place of honesty. A place to write honest thoughts. However, I really disagree with what they are doing. I have nothing but critisim for them. I am stuck, what can I do? They know me, but if I increase my intenisity, they will dislike it. They might even grow to hate me.

How about they don’t care who they fuck. How they don’t care about their morals. How…. so man things. Surly strength is their god. They do not fear God. And they hardly fear men.

Sure, I am messed up too, but I prayed the prayer of David in Psalm 51: “Have mercy upon me O God, according to your unfailing love.”

———————————————-

And my goals:

1) Be able to love and follow God wherever he leads me. Develop faith the size of a mustard seed.

2) Get a BA or BS degree.

3) Learn a foreign language.

4) Be strong and healthy.

5) Get lastilik eye surgury during Christmas leave.

6) Reconnect, support, and confid with my old friends.

7) Get a girlfriend.

8) Memorize the Book of Psalms or/and key verses in the Bible.

9) Develop a capable kingdom on Envoy.

10) Stop playing computer games

11) Develop soldier skills

—————————-
Theses are my goals. I also annotated them on my orginal copy with s= spiritual and so forth, but that takes too long. Sorry, I’m lazy.

Sigh, I still regret the fact that I rejected God during my high school years. Just because I met disappointment in 8th grade with my church members does not mean I can reject the one who loves me, God. I wonder… my life would be truly different if only I opened myself up in my middle school years. I could also have met Dorcas, Endora, and other sisters in the Ger family. I would love to get to know them. But now… sigh. When I came back to church during late high school, I probably seen the Ger sisters. But… I didn’t reconlize them. Sigh…. It’s fine. God is already doing so much to help me by letting me reconnect with much of them through facebook. Praise God. Let the house of Israel say his love endures forever.

The internet is down, so I can’t update my facebook and publish my declassified version on it. Heh… it just might be the same actually. Truth hurts, but its the truth. There’s no way around it. Actually, there is, but its just not worth it. I learned that in middle school.

May God bless all of you.