12/6/2012: Toys and “Adult-only”

12/6/2012: Toys and “Adult-only”

{S: 10:46pm}  As with all my blogs, I try to keep it short because “brevity is the soul of wit.”

I’m waiting for my shipment from Japan.  It contains my temporary solution to a permanent problem.  Temporary because once I have a godly wife, I wouldn’t need those toys.  Yes, they are adult toys, male masturbators I am ordering.  I brought the cheapest ones because I’m on a budget.

I have to order them because I cannot go on anymore.  I feel so lonely and I’m praying to God everyday for a future wife.  Now before you judge me, I’ll let God be my judge.  I don’t want to sin against God and it is the best thing I can do without going crazy.  I don’t want to sin against God by going to clubs or to find a hook-up and, thus, sin against that person.  It is a private pain and I find that the next best solution is to do this.

It’s difficult for me to write these adult blogs, which brings me to another point.  Why are things coined “adult” in today’s society always mean something sinful:  “Adult” content, “adult” toys, “adult” movies, “adult” magazines, etc?  It makes me think something is wrong with society.  Is being an adult sinful?  And then I see labels that read “Keep away from children.”  It’s sad that in today’s world, before Jesus comes back, there will always be things that are anti-children and “adult only.”

That is not how it should be.  The Bible says we are supposed to be like children when we enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Luke 18:17).  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 19:14).  But, it is because humankind delights in the deeds of darkness so they add signs that say “adults only” or “must be over 18,” or even “password-protected.”  I’m sharing this because I don’t want to stay in the darkness.  I want the light of truth and the light by telling the truth.

People say they can “read him like a book.”  Well, that is my goal because I love the truth.  {E: 11:08pm}

11/29/2012: Wong

11/29/2012: Wong

{S: 6:11am}  I just thought of her.  There is this girl named Wong.  She is a 14T, a Patriot missile control operator.  Back in advanced individual training (AIT), she was one of the shortest girls.  You should see her carry her M-16.  The weapon was almost taller than her!  It was so cute.

I was really nervous talking to her because I am really nervous talking to girls I like.  The few times I talked to her at the dining facility (DFAC), I learned, to my disappointment, that she only speaks Cantonese.

When I got to my unit after training, she was also in my same battalion.  One day, when I went to El Paso Chinese Baptist Church in late 2009, I saw her!  She talked to me and told me she has yeast infection.  I didn’t know what to say; I thought yeast infection came naturally.  I didn’t want to lose respect so I behaved all rationally and coldly.  I merely listened to her and went on my way.  I didn’t know it was probably a cry for help.

I met her a few weeks later, before I deployed to Kuwait.  She asked if I needed a ride to church.  I forgot how I responded but I remember that I hid my feelings from her.  I believe she got the impression that I don’t care about her anymore because of what she did.

Later, I found out through my ears that she had sex with five guys in one night.

I asked my church members about her after I returned from Kuwait and I think one or two of them remembered the description of the girl I was talking about.  They told me she went to Bible study before.  I talked to Waley about her and sometimes he told me he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and other times he remembered her.  But, he told me that “she just.. disappeared.”  I talked to soldiers in her battery and they told me she went to another base.  I tried to find her on online but I couldn’t.  That is the end of my contact with her.

Miriam, in the Pixar movie The Prince of Egypt, said that “they” which means the Egyptians, can take away their dignity and “even our lives,” but they cannot take away our spirit.  The Army, or to put it in a broader perspective, human beings, can take away almost everything: our dignity, our time, our freedom, our virginity, but they cannot take away, if we don’t allow them to, our spirit.

Like that “New York” song when “good girls” become “bad,” a girl has to be prepared to lose everything when she joins the Army, or anywhere where intense human natures flourish.  I almost lost everything in the Army but I was able to cling on to God.  Soldiers tell me that the Army is supposed to “break you down and then build you back up.”  Well, human nature, and I know from the Bible that it is inherently sinful, cannot be completely broken down except by Jesus Christ at the cross.  {E: 7:04am}

8/3/2010: Every Man’s Battle


8/3/2010: Every Man’s Battle


S: 4:17pm

E: 4:58pm


2  This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt.

3  Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.’”


(1 Samuel 15:2-3)


7  Then Saul attacked the Amalekites all the way from Havilah to Shur, to the east of Egypt.

8  He took Agag king of the Amalekites alive, and all his people he totally destroyed with the sword.

9  But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle, the fat calves and lambs—everything that was good. These they were unwilling to destroy completely, but everything that was despised and weak they totally destroyed.


(1 Samuel 15:7-9)


1 Samuel 15:22  But Samuel replied: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

23  For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king.”


(1 Samuel 15:22-23)



Yesterday, I finally applied this passage to my life. I did guard duty so I had yesterday off. All throughout the day, I had the desire to release myself, to masturbate so I could release the pressure so I won’t sin against God more.



I was introduced to this concept when reading <i>Every Young Man’s Battle</i> by Fred Stoeker, Stephen Arterburn, and Mike Yorkey. Although the authors are not in agreement about this issue, the book said one way to release your built-up, sexual tension is to masturbate but only without thinking of girls, so you could release the sexual tension without sinning against God. But, the authors added, almost no men can do that! When a guy is experiencing sexual pleasure (by masturbating), it is almost impossible to block out thoughts of girls he likes. To be honest, I have only been successful once. Yes, this is a very personal and sensitive topic to discuss, but it still relates to my relationship with God. All the other times, I would go ahead and do it desiring to think of the girls partly because of my flesh but also to avoid the consequences of escalation (checking pornography).


I know the right thing to do is to resist the devil (my fleshly desires) until he flees from me. If I really put God first, I would trust and obey God. I would pray and pray until my desires are under control (I have been successful to some extent doing this). But, when the intensity of the desire hits, it’s very easy for me to compromise, to disobey God and instead, make sacrifices.


I would say, “After I release myself and in the process and sin against God a little bit, I would pray, worship, sing, devote, etc, etc to God.” In other words, He will be my number one again as soon as this sexual urge is released. Other times, I would get depressed because I lost this battle and would just play computer games to seek escape, which, in the long-term, would just makes things worse.


So that is what I did. I know I’m doing wrong, but I just can’t help myself. I am not strong enough yet. I would make deals with God. I would disobey God only to make sacrifices later. I am simply following the path of Saul.


I realize now the severity of my wrongdoing and will make a double effort to not sin against God in this area.



“<i>So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it</i>” (1 Corinthians 10:12-13).



I know that God will give me the strength to resist temptation if I fully seek Him. My help should not come from Egypt; it should not come from man, but, it should only come from God and through God.

23 June 2010

[written diary]

23 June 2010

S: 11:02pm


Right now, I’m on guard duty and, as always, I’m very tired. I don’t understand why I’m so tired. Maybe it’s because of my low iron level. I’m going to the TMC to ask for iron supplements, yellow fever shot, and new glasses.

Wow, I, or we, discussed a lot of things while on guard duty. Man, I just want to write my main thoughts out. I hate this fucked up world. Maybe that’s one reason I’m seriously thinking about becoming a street preacher. Well, what am I going to preach about? How am I going to preach? I will simply trust in God to provide. I am willing to suffer the shame, pain, suffering, abuse, etc to spread the gospel. I may not know the answers, but I know God; I know Him who provides the answers.

Again, I hate this world. I hate its lust, its sin, its pleasures (esp. sex). It’s hurting innocent people, especaly children: God’s law is written to give us happiness, but man has decided to go his own way.

The many movies I watching now all teaches sin. The one thing they focus on is profits. They worship money, not God. I think one criteria to ask for any movies or media is what do they worship? The movie my battle buddies are watching now, and praise God I forgot the name, are filled with sex secenes. It’s filled with humor, sex, and other worldly values. Why are worldly values bad? It angers me to eve have to answer this question. It’s bad because you know it’s bad. Deep inside each of us, we know, thanks to our conscience, that it’s bad.

Funnyness doesn’t give any reason to do anything. Funnyness actually pleases the flesh, thus, it leads many people, unknownly, to sin. Why are so many things that are funny evil in nature?

And of course I am resisting the desires of my sinful flesh. I hate this world. I hate what this world is teaching its inhabientents. I don’t care if I get beat up or if I stutter. I will preach open-air. If I’m defeated, I take solace in the fact that I did.

Of course I have my dreams and wants, but I must must please God first. I want a girlfriend but God’s work must be done first. He knows it all.

Wow, I’m so tired. Whew. If only I have the strength to write freely, but then, If I do, I might just play computer games. So pitful am I! I must stop playing games. I have a lot of writing and catching up to do on Facebook.

Life is not about entertaining men, but angels :) .

I shouldn’t have played Bang! after church. I should have formed a group about how to reach people on the streets, and if nobody wants to or seems interested, to do it myself.