2017.2.15: My Date with God

2017.2.15: My Date with God

God, it doesn’t matter how much You give me. I’m still going to love You. It doesn’t matter how much you give me compared to others. It doesn’t matter God, if you give someone a billion dollars and you only give me a penny. It doesn’t matter how much you give me. I’m still going to love You. Your praise will always be on my lips. Even if you stop giving me. Even if you cut me off, God, what You have done for me is already so much for me. So much for us.

It doesn’t matter if I incur abuse from people, from people who love You or not. It doesn’t matter if they say things that hurt me. If they say things that are true but very painful to me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, I’m still going to love You. Your praise will always be on my lips.

It doesn’t matter if people make me feel rejected. It doesn’t matter what people do to me or how I interpret it. I’m still going to love You to seek You, to at least try, to try my best. Your praise will always be on my lips.

And it doesn’t matter if people hurt me even more, when they say that I don’t love You, that I don’t really seek You that I don’t really love You. Well, God, I’m still going to love You, I’m still going to seek You. If I suck at loving You, at seeking You, then I’m still going to love You to seek You. Your praise will always be on my lips. Even if I’m going to hell, O Lord, I’m still going to love You and worship You and seek You for the rest of my life, at least try, but I’ll try to try my best, because I know You love me. I know You are the one true God. The God of heaven and earth. You will have your bride.

And God, I will still love those people. I will still try to love those who hate me, or who have hurt me, whether righteously or not. I will still love them, I will still pray for them, I will still bless them. That is the difference. They may curse they may attack me they may do anything to me even say that they love me that’s why they do these things to me. But God, help me not to take revenge. Help me to continue to bless them, to pray for them. To love them. Thank you God. To love your family, to love your people, to love all those that You have made.

If they tell me that me blessing them is actually more evidence that I hate them, then God, Your praise will always be on my lips. Then I will hug them, to love them, to kiss them out of love. To give them a fish, to give them what is good. Not to show off, but to show that I love them.

So God, regardless of what people do to me, regardless of what you give me, regardless of where I am compared to others, I will still try and try to try my best to love You and to seek You. Your praise will always be on my lips. If you take away my penny or what is worth my life and I die, then I will die still trying to love You and seek You. I will die a seeker.

So God, I thank You for giving me the ability to survive, to praise You, to worship You, to love others, and to pray and bless my enemies. If they want to kill me, I will not resist. I will put myself in Your hands. And if I die, I will die seeking You, I will die trying to love You. I will die an overcomer.

Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus.

And help me Lord, to continuously pray for those around me. I will raise a spiritual aura. I will raise a continual aura of prayer. Of blessings. Of You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Give me strength.

And to add, it doesn’t matter if nobody reads my blog or not. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I love God. It doesn’t matter as long as I try to seek You and love You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Your praise will always be on my lips.

a-new-commandment
A new commandment I give you: Love one another as I have loved you. John 13:34

 

11/17/2016: MDWG (My date with God)

11/17/2016: MDWG (My date with God)

10:54pm – (session continues)

God, nothing can stop my dates with You. Be it temptation, sins, troubles, pains, hardships, failures, nor anything can stop me from being with You, from spending time with You.

God, I need your supernatural grace and deliverance. I need more of You, O God, and less of me. Jesus, please reveal more of You and help me to control and rein in my fleshly desires. You are Jehovah Jira. You are the God who provides.

These games I’m playing, it doesn’t give You glory. Whenever I need rest, let me not rest in games, or alcohol (You know I don’t do it), …, or anything that is of this world, but in You. You are the God who gives us perfect rest, who gives us perfect peace. You are the God where power, true power, comes from.

If anyone wants wisdom, they should ask You. If anyone wants love, true love, they should ask You. You are the God who gives liberally. You are the God who gives everything good.

God, you know my desires. All my longings are an open field before You. My times are in Your hands. Let me walk in paths that are safe. Let me eat a dry crust with peace and safety than a fattened calf with strife and danger. Let me be in second place with peace and safety than first with hatred and danger. [When I’m driving. Drivers sometimes feel driving is like a race.] Our race, O Lord, our run, is not in the fleshly battlefield, but in the heavenly battlefields of faith and love.

God, I thank you for today, be it good or bad, as long as you are in control, I thank You. Continue to teach me wisdom and grace, and hope and love and discernment.

Thank you God. (session continues)

11/10/2016: MDWG

11/10/2016: MDWG

10:52pm – 11:07pm (session continues but transcribing finished)

God, I thank You for today. I thank You for opening my eyes, for giving me more knowledge and wisdom. Surely the folly lack wisdom and I lack much of it. My flesh is still strong O God, but You are changing me day by day.

Lord, I thank You for your hope and mercy and grace for this country and from what happened, for all the countries of the world. Bring us back to You and help us to love You no matter what our beliefs are.

God, I try to make it a habit of spending time with You and I try to transcribe it for Your glory. May it not be my pride, for if it is, then make me just a resounding gong but still give You all the glory and honor and praise.

God, I’m a very shy person, I’m very weak-willed, I’m very easily influenced, I get confused all the time and indecisive, but one thing about my life Lord, is I’m never indecisive about loving and spending time and seeking You. Well, in my severe moments of weaknesses, I have, but it is far less than others. Surely You are the truth that needs to be heard, more so than shouts of fools.

God, as I come before You today, I come with brokenness of life, I come with troubles and burdens, with pain and grief, with weaknesses and flesh, but Lord, I will still come and help me to come as I am. For You are our Rock eternal, You are our God.

Father, all the nations of the world are but a drop in a bucket compared to You. You reign, O God, and what You ordained, men cannot change. Jesus, I need Your help and I need You.

I’m fearful of my situation but the only thing that can allay my fears is You. My issue, and I feel many other people’s issues, are spiritual in nature. Like what the pastor says, it starts out spiritual, then it manifests into the physical. But God, regardless of what happens, You are still my God and I will try my upmost to seek You and to love You. For ultimately, You are the One who gives justice and mercy and grace. I should have said “let me fall into the hands of the Lord, for His mercy is very great.” …

God, I know that time spent with You is well-spent and I’m here and I will give You all the glory and all the honor and all the praise.
[session continues but transcribing ends]

11/9/2016: MDWG

11/9/2016: MDWG

10:24pm – 11:11pm (session continues but transcribing ended)

God, I am here today to love You, to spend time with You, to seek You. God, we really need to seek Your Face. We really need to worship You, to love You. Thank You Jesus for giving me an opportunity today to spend time with You and to worship You. In the negativity of this world, God is my only light.

God, I ask for protection and safety for this country, that this nation, under God, can do the right thing. That this nation can turn to You. That the nations of the world can seek You, can be found by You. May you bless Israel O God, protect her from all her troubles.

Help us O God, to chase You. You know us by name. Forgive me O God.

People may break their promises but help me to keep mine. You’re everything that we need God. Help me to run after your heart. Forgive us O God, and heal us. Teach us to follow Your ways, O God, for your ways are good, and your ways are true.

Jesus, you love us so much. I don’t understand Your love; I don’t understand this love. Why do You love us so much? Help me God, to fathom the depths of your love. God, I still doubt, I still lack faith, I still am faithless. But God, I know You are my God and my provider. You are my Jehovah Jira.

So Jesus, I thank You for give me abilities. I thank you for blessing me. Even if all you give me is a little ewe lamb, God, help me to still love You and give thanks to You, and be loyal to You because however You give, O God, you give with love and peace, and fairness, and justice. What You give is enough for me. You are enough for me. Help me to say that You are all I need, You are all I want, You are all I seek. My heart says of You seek His face, Your face Lord, I will seek.

God, I pray O God, for all the displaced Christians around the world, for those that bear Your mark that are suffering, in chains, in bondage, in pain, in torture. God, may you comfort them and bless them and protect them. I know You will do all that but may you do a little more for them because of my prayer. Thank you God for giving me the ability to pray and to spend time with You. Again, it is late at night, again, I could have done better, but my God is changing me and someday perfect I will be.

You will be praised. No matter what happens You will be praised. Help me God, to say Your praise will ever be on my lips.

Help me to love You God, help me to worship You. Surely the things of this world is folly, surely the things of this world grows old. But You, O Lord, never grow old. And You live in a land that will never grow old.

God, I think of my people, my comrades, those I once enjoyed sweet fellowship with, those that I haven’t matured and expressed my true self with. Those that I made mistakes with. Those that I was brainwashed with. Those that I didn’t show my true self with. God, it’s very difficult for me to express my true self with people. You know, it’s like I can’t speak to people but I can almost always speak or always speak to You. I’m more comfortable talking to You than to other people. But God, I can mess up, I can make all the mistakes of this world with these people, but Lord, just help me to continue to love them and to pray for them. To bless them and not curse them, to honor them and to just pray for them. If I suck at talking to them or being in their presence, help me then to talk to them in Your presence, help me to talk to You in behalf of them. I said before, O God, that they don’t have to like me, in fact, they can hate me, as long as they love You, as long as they love God. They don’t have to love me, they just have to love You. I will try to love them and to bless and pray for them, to the best of my limitations and weaknesses. Why? Why am I doing this? Because You are the God that overcomes our weaknesses. Because You are the God that made us and love us all. Because You are our Savior and our God. You are my Savior and God.

Lord, it’s ok if people read this, under one condition, that I remain faithful and loyal to You. That I continue to love and seek You. Lord, I backslid, I forgot, I went away, astray, even escape, even betrayed You, but You still somehow call me back with love. Sometimes with love, sometimes with guidance, sometimes with discipline, sometimes in clouds of rain, or fire, or wind, or water, or in silence, or in good days. But, God, You always call me back or maybe I decide to seek You back, but what makes me to seek You, to long for You? Isn’t it your mark that you put in me? Your fingerprint in me? Your love in me? Your power in me? Your mercy and grace in me? Your everything good in me?

…But You are the God who holds tomorrow. You are the God who holds our hands. Lord, just as some people ask to just have You, Lord, I just want to have a peaceful and quiet place and maybe safe place where I can spend time with You. I show my love through time. I show my love through actions. Heh, help me God, to show love in everything.

Sometimes there is a thin line between hypocrisy and genuineness, but we really try to seek and to follow You. Father God, I pay you lip service, but You see my heart O God, I really do what to seek You and love You. Why am I doing what I do if it’s not for You? … If that’s the case, help me to be consistent God, for You are a never-ending, never-changing God. I enjoy spending time with You, I enjoy loving You. Help me God, may this be for all-times.

I can fail my classes O God, but let me not fail You. Thank you Jesus; Thank you God.

I will be the Steven that I will never be.

Songs listened: Chasing You- Bethel, Ever Be- Bethel, Wonder- Bethel, I Love You Anyway- Holly Starr

[session continues but transcribing ended]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11/4/2016, 11/6/2016

11/4/2016

9:30pm –

Opening (Songs: All I ask- Meredith Andrews, Constant- Holly Starr:

God, today is another close call. But, I want to worship You today, to show You that I love You more than satisfying my desires. Even if my desires are debatable and not wrong, God, I still want to seek You. You know, when I don’t know what to do, I will worship and seek You. God, I love You more. I know I made mistakes; I know I messed up, everday, but, You.

Lord, only You can give me what I want. If I want any of these things, God, the best way is simply to seek and to ask You, just like Solomon. I don’t need to play games, I don’t need to pressure myself. You are my constant.

Even if my desires are not wrong, I still want to seek You because I love You.

 

11/6/2016: My Date with God

10:37pm – 11:04pm

[Note: Not every day or everything will be transcribed because transcribing may distract me from seeking God.]

Father, [my times are short] so I better make this count. If I have to transcribe, O God, then I will write this: Help me to know that You are God. Release the scales from my eyes. Surely, what You have done, about life, there is a God, and it is a God who loves life.

 

 

 

 

11/2/2016: My Date with God

Footnote (11/15/2016): I’ve second thoughts about posting this but this is a project and if I don’t I will lose momentum. This shows that we are all sinners and that we all need forgiveness. What matters is not how much you sin but whether you return to God and repent.

[delayed posting on facebook]

11/2/2016: My Date with God

12:05am – 12:44am
Opening: Father, I’ve sinned against You. I have sinned against you. Forgive me O God, for your mercy is very great. You gave me abilities; you gave me talents, you gave me gifts, you gave me wonders, you gave me friends, thank you Father. For you are good and everything about You is good. Jesus, today is going to be a very short session, forgive me God, because it’s so late. God, you the sins of my heart. Surely the heart is deceitful above all things. Surely [she] is right in saying that the heart is deceitful. God, I almost made today a holy day, it was so close. Why Lord, does it have to be an all-or-nothing day? Forgive me God, for I live to please You. I will try again when I wake up O God, for your mercies are new everyday. Your grace is new everyday. Thank you so much for what you have done for me. Thank you so much for what you have done in my life.

God, I ask that you forgive me and wipe away my sins. Just as you will wipe away every tear from people’s eyes, every sorrow, every depression, every bondage, every sufferings, every tribulations. God, forgive me. I repent. I will follow You and seek You. Surely the heart is deceitful.

God, I was thinking about playing a song, a melody, because it’s my tradition or maybe a habit, or maybe because a part of me still wants to worship You, but how can I play music when I just sinned against You? Surely sin not only keeps people away from You, it also limits the worship that people may give You.

[Speaking in tongues]

God, I thank You that I have the ability to speak in tongues. I thank You that you gave me the ability to support and to help people. That’s my specialty. Through helping others, my soul, myself becomes stronger. I become strong through service. Thank You God, and help me to serve You. With You, there is a never-ending amount of service. You are worthy of all the praise. You are worthy of all the honor; you are worthy of everything. Everything good. I can always pray. I can always fast. I can always seek You. I can always talk to You. I can always sing to You. I can always pray and intercede for others. Thank you God.

Father You know, there was time when, in my pride perhaps, I thought to myself in the military that I am the only one that seeks You; that I am the only one that follows and loves You. God, now I know that I’m not the only one that gives praise, that I’m not the only one that loves You. That, in fact, my church, many people, surpass me in devotion to You. Surely the heart is deceitful. Surely I am like an unpredictable wave, tossing and turning, an unpredictable ship.

God, help me to spend time with You. Help me to love You. Why do I wait for the last minute, past the last minute to worship You, to spend time with You. Why do I give you my lastfruits and not my firstfruits? Not all of it.

Jesus, you are holy God, and Your ways are holy. Your ways are righteous. Father, forgive me, and wipe away my stains. Wipe away my fears. Wipe away my sorrows, my depression, my sadness. Thank you God. Help us O Lord, for we need You. I lack the ability to actively evangelize and I think the reason is my unpredictability. God, help me to serve You and to love You. Help me to draw closer to You. My times are in Your hands. My days are written in your scroll. God, may this be a ritual, and may this ritual not disappear. Thank you Jesus. Free me from my addictions, from my sins and lead me in the way everlasting….

Why is it that man only seeks You when they have to? Surely You give them happiness; you give them joy, you give them provision, and they forget about You, they sin against You. No wonder perhaps I am stuck in where I am. You want to bless me, but when You do, I forget You. Forgive me O God. I recognize my sin. I recognize my downfall. Do not take my blessings away. Do not take my lamp away. Forgive me O God, and give me another chance. Please Jesus. Give me another chance. I am sorry.

… [not transcribed] Telling me that You are all I need.

Lord, I remember transcribing for my church and maybe that is how I’m transcribing my personal experiences with You. You are holy and you are righteous. There is no one besides You. Give me another chance O God, for I am trying, I am trying. I recognize my sin, I recognize my downfall. Help me to shift my body away from lust, away from wants, to needing You. Take away my pride O God. I have nothing to be prideful about, but rather, I have almost everything to be shameful about. Seeking You should be the normal condition, the normal state. I could seek You more; I could love You more, but I failed. But God, You are the One that I will always seek and help me to give more of You and less of me, help me to eventually do that, until it’s all for You and none of me or for me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

[continues but will end transcribing]

Help me to know You more Jesus; Help me to know You more O God. Your love is enduring / Like a ring of solid gold / like a vow that is tested / like a covenant of old.

Activity: Music video / Singing: Ever Be- Bethel

If I fall even though I seek You, how much more do other people who don’t seek You. Forgive us O God. Maybe not so much. I meant maybe other people may be more righteous than me. Because God, you gave me grace. That’s why, that’s how I can seek You. I sin more than those people who don’t seek You.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

[May continue but without transcribing]

A Shirt that bears Jesus’s Name

20 June 2016: A Shirt that bears Jesus’s Name

10:31pm – 10:48pm
It’s been a while since I wrote my blog. I need discipline, wisdom, understanding, and knowledge (from Proverbs). Everyday when I wake up, I always read a short passage in Psalms and Proverbs. One of my mistakes is not reading Proverbs regularly.

What I wanted to write is what I scheduled myself to write, on the 16th (or 15th?) of June, I wore a Nazarene shirt for the whole day. The shirt looked like this:

2016.6.20

The blog that I planned to write isn’t very shocking or cool but I just want to write my thoughts down.

Wearing that shirt or any Christian shirt for that matter takes a lot of responsibility. One of the reasons is because I am wearing something that represents Christ. It is very difficult. In order for me to wear these shirts, I have to pray and seek God and be close to Him. I have to purify myself. It feels like a sacrifice.

It is easier for me to wear a shirt that bears UTEP’s name than Jesus’s name (and I hardly wear any shirts that advocate something). I would rather wear a USA shirt than a Jesus shirt because it is so hard. I half expected myself to get hurt wearing that shirt. The only exception is wearing a North Korean shirt. I might get myself killed. Actually I’m not sure which is worse. I think the One that can destroy the soul is worse. Heh.

I remember when I bicycled home with that shirt, an Arab woman looked at my shirt and then at me. I smiled at her. The reason why I wore that shirt is to show my condolences to those killed in recent events (esp. those killed in Orlando) and to show solidarity with the Christians who are persecuted for their faith all around the world, especially in the Middle East and in countries with heavy Muslim populations.

I am trying to write more regularly, but it is hard due to my circumstances. I remember when Pastor Smith told us that times are going to get darker. They are right so I need to prepare (by seeking God, by serving Him, by loving Him, by following Him and asking for His forgiveness).

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

2:41am – 3:24am
I know it’s really late now but I want to share my spiritual state with you.

I just finished listening to “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust and I am going to add that song to my favorite Christian song list. Every song in that list, I have a soul tie to. Well, I don’t know if soul tie is the right word but every song on that list applies to me, it’s personal to me, it’s a story between me and God to me. These are songs that enable and remind me to worship and praise God.

But to get back on topic, I have been struggling spiritually. This is the year of Jubilee. This is the year of second chances. This will also be a year of great turmoil for those without the blood of the Lamb. We will either be in the judgment or blessing side. What side am I on?

To give all for God and none for Me has been a very difficult journey. It was most for me and some for God. It was half for me and half for God. It was even less of me and more for God. But it is never none of me and all for Him. And I feel that my pastors, my mentor, the apostles, are saying that if I have even a little bit of rebellion, of sin, of me, what I want and need (God will provide that), then I am giving my perfume, my incense, a bad smell. I can’t hang on to both the world and to God. Actually for me, my weakness is not the world, nor the enemy, but my flesh. Yes the enemy helps out and the world doesn’t help, but my main weakness, I think, is my flesh. I have to crucify my flesh. I have to destroy it. It’s not what I want but what God wants. And I have a hard time doing it. Lying on my bed, I realized I cannot serve both my flesh and God. The Bible made that very clear. So I’m left with being stuck in the middle, an unhappy equilibrium. I don’t want to sin against God but my mind keeps attacking me. And I want to worship and spend time with God but my flesh won’t let me. If I choose to fully follow my flesh, then I will be destroyed, because I cannot survive without God. But, if I choose to fully follow God, I will be in great agony, because of my body and soul.

If I didn’t mention this before, I feel my thought process and my life is similar to Congress. My flesh occupies one side, my soul another, and my spirit yet another. And the president is there to, me, since I make the decisions, and the president wants to follow God. But, my flesh is almost always against me. My soul is with me sometimes but sometimes not. But my spirit is willing. So it turns out to be a big civil war within me. I feel paralyzed. Any choice I go will displease the other side. The only parts that are in agreement are my basic needs, like eating, using the restroom, and those kind of tasks. And when I fall to either side, the enemy of that side becomes stronger and I bounce back to my equilibrium. So I’m stuck.

In the normal world, the world God intended, the flesh serves the spirit, and the soul is renewed to help the spirit. And the spirit, of course, serves God.

Yesterday, well, I mean on Sunday, I went to the 6pm bilingual service at Ignite Movement Church. Thank God for that church! During the service, there was a time when Pastor Patty told us to come to the altar if anyone owns a business. I have investments and I felt I need to go. When I was up front waiting for one of the leaders to pray over me, I felt a voice telling me.

I heard a voice telling me that why should God prosper me if I’m a thief?

“How am I a thief?” I asked the voice.

“You are a thief because you have taken what doesn’t belong to you. You refused to be content with what God has given you. Steven, don’t take what belongs to God.”

That hit me. I have taken things that belong to God the ungodly way. I tried to use reason but even my money belongs to God. Everything I have belongs to Him. My life is His as well.

I stood there. I told God I’m sorry and that I’ll repent. Then a leader came and blessed me.

Recently, however, I am taking many things in the right direction. I reinforce my identity as God’s child, and, more just to me, God’s general. I have formed good habits as what Pastor Patty preached in youth service on Jan. 8th. When I wake up and before I sleep, I always spend time with God (more so before I sleep, though). I reinforce my identity. I am consistently developing daily and long-term goals for myself. I still have a lot of bad habits, though, but I am working on eliminating them. It just takes 21 days. :) And the fast, the congregational fast, helps. Fasting, as what my mentor said in tonight’s HOP (House of Peace and I mean last night since it’s a new day), is about being closer with God. It’s not about the petitions, it’s not about worldly things; it’s about God.

So, God can give me so much more. Many times, I limit God. I thought to myself that I can only get so much from God but that’s it. That God can’t satisfy me fully. But no. God knows me more than I know myself and He knows the desires of my heart. I just need to seek Him first.