9/29/2013: I’m Back! and I will only be able to be back with God

9/29/2013: I’m Back! and I will only be able to be back with God

S: 11:50pm
E: 12:37am

[written]

I know I haven’t written an entry in about a month. Maybe I should write more often. I think one thing that is keeping me from writing is the fact that I can see how many views from other people in my blog. In this blog, this discovery, I hardly get any viewers and it discourages me from writing. Why should I write if nobody reads them? I know my motivation for writing should be because of myself. And I know that the greatest beneficiary of writing, personal writing, should be me.

[typed]

I know in this world, I can only trust God. God will always know and will always love while people can change their minds. I need God and other people to prosper but I only need God to survive. By surviving, I mean having eternal life and thus being alive. When this world is so cruel and injustice so prevalent, or when life is good, in both times, I can always talk to God who understands me. When people refuse to understand each other, when many people find enjoyment in hate, God gives me the wisdom and logic to counter them. When I lose, it is because I didn’t have God. When I win, it is because God is with me. And I count what other people see as a loss with God as a win. With God, I win.

I want to start writing more again. I want to increase my view count. I can try, but it is really God who makes me succeed. Thus, even though I want to increase my view count, I will try not to worry about it because part of the equation, or most of it, is out of my control. I will focus on what I can do. What I can do to increase my viewcount is to write regularly. So, I will try to write every Saturday for my readers.

I know whatever I do, and I think whatever people do, there will be people who disagree with me, and there are some people who want me to fail. I know one person who wants not just me but everyone human to fail is Satan. He tried to fail Adam and Eve from the beginning and, thanks to God, Adam and Eve prevailed.

There is a myth which states that people without many friends or connections or a good job have little influence in the world. That myth may be partially true, but in one context, it is wrong. Every Christian, regardless of who many friends or connections that person has, could be a powerhouse. A Christian is someone who loves God and if that Christian were to spend his time praying, he or she can move mountains. Some people may say that a Christian without “connections” or friends will be less powerful but I somewhat disagree. Relationship with God is more important that a Christian’s relationship with his or her friends. A good relationship with God gives the Christian spiritual power and the spirit is higher and stronger than the world. Other people may say that in order to have a good relationship with God, one needs to have a good relationship with people. That is somewhat true. The Bible tells believers to love God and to also love people. However, a good relationship with people and having many human friends are not the same thing. One can have many human friends not because of that person’s character but because of worldly traits such as wealth, prestige, power, etc. What matters is that the person is kind and loving to other people. As long as that person is kind and loving, no matter how few or how many friends that person has, he or she has a good relationship with people. But, we must not forget the Source. What makes a person kind and loving towards people? It is because that person is overwhelmed by the loving-kindness of God.

I can continue to write but I am trying to sleep at a semi-decent time. I have a prayer meeting from Intervarsity at 11pm and I want to go. I tried to go last week but I woke up at 11pm :(

1/21/2011: Stress

1/21/2011: Stress / Nationalist China

S: 5:33pm

E: 5:58pm

I find that the constant buildup of stress and pressure of life makes me very prone to give up or want the easy way out. I find that I’m constantly under attack. I’m under attack either physically, (hard work, pain, feeling tired) or if not, then spiritually (temptations, morals, relationship with God and people).

For me, being in the military is hard life. I constantly have to find a way to unwind so I can survive. When I try to unwind myself in computer games, the stress grows worse, but when I unwind myself in God, I feel much better.

As I was getting off work, two computer games came to my mind. One was Infantry, developed by Sony. I remember playing it a bit in high school at Michael’s house. The other was Continuum, a 2-D space shooter game. Both of these games have a mixture of action and strategy (and it’s free!) and thus, very fun for me. Of course, I was looking to reading about other people’s lives, but the games sound so appealing. I went to the Continuum website and downloaded the game.

I had fun at first (the same goes with drugs). The game is fun and challenging. However, I know that I’m wasting time. That I can just trust in God and play the God card” and win all these games. I think the real “winner” in these computer games is the person who follows God, who does not play it because God is victory, or plays it (very rarely) through the Spirit because he/she might learn something.

Philippians 3:7 But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

With God, I don’t need to try, I just need to trust and live in the Spirit and I will be victorious. What made me stop playing, praise God, is the high latency. I was dropped from the game twice because (I think) most of the players are from the States and are not near Kuwait or the server is located in the States. That stoppage gave me a rude awakening. I assessed that I am going the same familiar path again. The path of wasting time. The path of satisfying the soul instead of satisfying the spirit. I need to let Jesus live in me and not games. These obstacles, whether be games, or fear, or pornography (I’m being honest), or anything that separates me from God needs to be pushed out. I’m making the result for Nationalist China and one of the main weaknesses of that nation is that it was a nation divided. To the north, west, and south lies warlord states. I feel I am also like Nationalist China. In order for me to fight against evil (not the Japanese) more effectively, I need to have more room in my heart for Jesus. I need to retake those stubborn evil strongholds Satan has placed in me and convert them to the cause of Christ. I cannot do it, however, but God can. If I follow His Spirit He will lead me to freedom, for “it is Christ that sets us free” (Galatians 5:1).

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!

8/6/2009

8/6/2009

S: 1759
E:
Today is a day of many downs. Today reminds me of my weaknesses, and how much of a failure I am. If Satan isn’t attacking me, maybe an evil spirit is. But this evil spirit is a spirit of failure. It curses everything I do. Do much that the only things I succeed in doing is doing things that are part of God’s will.

I see other people in the field. They are all so much stronger, so much more advantaged than me. They also just seem to just live in the flesh. But I still try to live for Him. Althrough I still fail, I still try.

The misriable heat, my lack of energy, my lack of strength, my fellowman making fun of me because of my weaknesses, my lack of common sense, and my inability to hear clearly all combined and joined forces to destroy me. I felt like giving up, I felt like destroyed, but still, God came and helped me. He came and spared me. It’s so painful to do your best, knowing your weaknesses, and still be made fun of because of it. I also hate when people don’t play fair, like when that sargent pushed players around. He hugged me from the back and lifted me up, he pushed me. It’s not fair. I find that the things that make me angry has to do with fairness, understanding. That sargeant pushing players around. My fellow soldiers saying a detogortary remark due to my weaknesses even through he didn’t really mean it in that way. Every remark said that way is like a knife slash on my body. I don’t want to help anymore. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

Like what happened in the field today. I am so exhausted I can hardly walk. I still tried to help out, but I was corrected for trying to do what I think is right. It’s just so demeaning. It makes me not want to try anymore.

If I have a child who trys to help but makes a mess, I will not cuss at or degrade the child. No, I would first say “thank you” to that child then show him or her what the child did wrong. Then I would explain what the child can do to help next time. Then, if another time comes around, the child will help. And if the child messes up again, I will still love him or her. What matters is not the results, but the intent, the heart of why people do things.

Many times, I wonder why I can’t be like this soldier, so strong and enduring, or like him, so squared-away and sharp, or like that guy, so charming and popular. But I’m struck with being me. Why me? Why can’t God change me? I guess, God wants me to go through these painful experiences so I can be more perfect in Him. I still feel that I may fall back again.

Like today. What I thought I mastered and thought couldn’t happen to me happened. How can I go over a chock block? Or not see a ground pole? Or wear improper headgear? I don’t understand. The things I mastered others feel I am just a beginner.

Yes, I have been blessed. I don’t have to stay in the field, I get to come back to my room and relax. Yes, the field wasn’t difficult. Yes, my squad leaders and NCOs are  good. Yes, I am being taken care of. So many blessings. While the Bible says the only thing you should be concerned about is food and clothing. That is, if you don’t have them. If you do, just be content with what you have. Wow, I have been blessed more than what the Bible said I should be blessed.

But still, just food and clothing? To me, that is not enough. I want enough sleep, a clean place to rest, and enough ability to be competent in what I do. And of course, God. And maybe some fun, like computer games, although that is an addiction not a need.

Sigh, I am just so weak. I feel like just giving up the ghost. I don’t want to live in a world controled by the god of this world, Satan. It’s just so hard. Too difficult for me it seems.

Lord help me. Lord help me please. I am always on the edge, always on the edge of giving up and killing myself.

I need more social support I think. I need to contact my church again somehow. Talk to my few friends. Maybe they would accept me again. I am afraid though. What if they mistreat me? What if they reject me? What if they make detrograry remarks due to my weaknesses? What if they are worse than soldiers here?

Sigh, I don’t know what to do. I have limited time. I am not as strong as other soldiers who can stay up all night. I am weak. I am limited. But I know that I cannot compromise my God. I cannot limit my relationship with God just because my circumstances are difficult.

And I will alwasy be weak. If in a competetion and I could win in peacetime, I will still try. But I will think an evil spirit will come and prevent me from winning. It’s ok, I will still try. I will slow down so I can think. If I lose because of that, which I think I will, then  let God be God. If I lose 99 battles out of 100 and its not because of giving up, then may the name of the Lord be praised. Amen.

18 Apr 09

[written diary]

18 Apr 09

End: 1041

I am just so weak. I’ve seen God’s love and God’s faith but still I refuse to follow Him. I dreamed dreams but still that’s not enough. Why do I sin against God so much? Why do I challenge God so much? Now I have to do CQ and I’m tired. I don’t think I will have the energy to stay awake but I know that God will still help me. God will make a way, even when there seems no way. I think and believe that God is punishing me for my lack of faith. I think, due to signs and dreams, I have God’s OK to tutor children. But I must worship God all the time. I must not fail again. I think CQ is God’s way of helping me defeat myself. Less of me and more of Him. I also must be longsuffering. Not just to other people, but also with my sinful self. Still, it will be a while before I actually try. I want to be a better believer, soldier, and tutor.

 

18 Apr 09

S: 1245

E: 1257

I remember when I was young, my mom would have me read a chapter of Proverbs a day, 31 in all. Thanks to her guidance, I am now a good, nicer person. The book of Proverbs is very important because it teaches you the laws and commands of God. It comforts me to know what God can do for us when we behave (heh) and follow Him. I guess, no, I should have taught Proverbs to my children (students) during summer. But no. I chose the dark path of sin and indiscipline. I. there’s a lot of bad that I have done. But God still loves me and he disciplines me. I should have followed Him the first time but I failed. If I do have another chance with children, I would do what my mom did. I would have them read a chapter of Proverbs a day and then write about their thoughts, reflections, etc. It would be like free-writing.

However, I must obey God and follow His will. I might want to start memorizing specific Bible verses.

 

18 Apr 09

S: about 1500

I just have to suffer. Everyday, all of the way. I have to suffer from other’s painful attacks, from my sinful self, and my weak body. And of course, from Satan, the cause of all evil.

Heh, without Satan, I would be in the Garden of Eden, singing praises to God. But no. Bue to sin, I am in a world where people lie, steal, and kill, a place where wars and rumor of wars never end.

I suffer during the weekday so much that I look forward to the weekends to rest and recooperate myself. Now, even in the weekends, I have to suffer greatly.

Can there be no end to my suffering? No, until Jesus comes to establish His righteous kingdom on Earth or until I die, for when I die, I will be at rest, with kings of the earth.

Will I be able to withstand the suffering? To take it and move on? Nothing but the blood of Jesus, sweetest name I know.

 

18 Apr 09

S: 1528

Proverbs 4:16: For they cannot sleep till they do evil.

How many times has this verse applied to me! I cannot sleep until I play some computer games. I cannot sleep until I satisify the desires of my flesh.

I must learn the way of the righteous.