4/22/05  12:10am
Ok, a bunch of crap.

+ A flower dies but a rock never dies.
Don’t show up, let your beauty be for you only
+ Sometimes your smart, dumb or both.
There is a time for everything.
+ The deeper you fall, the higher to get back up.
The more risk you take, the more excitement you get.
+ Nervous never does a body good.  Only kills.
Some ppl (like me) have ‘genes’ for failure.

I can’t speak in a world that requires you to speak.
I can’t not be nervous in a world that requires you not to be nervous.
I can’t be unshy in a world that punishes you for being shy.
I know I need to change but I can’t change.  Is it my fault that I can’t change?  Then why are some ppl making fun of me?  In their eyes, do I deserve to live in this world?  Or should I die?  What happens if I die?  I’m going to be more evil now.  I’m going to either say nothing or speak like a King.  To ingnore my pain or to kill it completely.  Not to mention overkill it.  I am either going to try or not try at all.  Either 100% or 0%.  Either do Naowi all the way or have nothing to do with her.  This means to take more risks.  But why if ppl make fun of me?  No, ppl Will make fun of me.  What can I do?
Let ppl suffer. Theres too many of us anyways.  We are helping them in the long run.

I always think of Lydia, but I know she would never love me.  I always think of Cathrine but I know that she would never even see me let alone love me.  And Ruby?  She can’t love me.  Part of it or ALL of it is my fault.  I screwed up my future.  Once I thought my future would be brighter as the Elven Star but now is it even close to a star?  There is no one who can love me.  My days are over.  I failed.  I failed everyone.  Games killed me, songs binded {could be “blinded”} me, hope fades away from me.  Hope drains me.  I hate asking people for help now.  Not just now, always, forever and ever!  Thank you God for creating this useless, stupid life!


{written diary}

6-6-04   4:33pm

The sky is blue, the wind blows a white blanket.  Ha ha.  I’m listening to Yenna [ln]’s music.  Theres some good music in there.  Yesterday, when we are stuck at Blair H.S. because the tennis tormoment is at someplace else (Cannan used his cellphone), we sang some songs.  We had a great time.  The person was right when he said that if one door closes, the other door opens.  In fact, I’m happy to say that I’m glad we went to Blair.  Sometimes bad things and events happen only to become good and happy ones.  I’m currently listening to track #4, Jack [ln]’s favorite song.  I won’t forget to listen to AM 1430 during I think 7:00-9pm.  Canaan [ln] told me they sing songs during that time.  I hope its cool.  I also just finished watching “The Grand Canyon,” on channel 9.  The move was not far from the truth, in fact it probably is the truth right now.  Just look at this world, what human beings do to themselves and to others.  I feel so depressed at this world.  I want to pick a career choice that can help make the most difference to people, to help people and to the entire community.  I want to listen to music right now.  Also, Alice and me was about to go to go to Washington school at 3pm, but she went to the mall with mom.  Okay see ya!  再见! 红宝石 bye :(


{written diary}


I don’t understand myself… why can’t I stop playing games?  what is addicting me, coving me, letting me from playing games?  See, I even support games!  And my spelling sucks!

I hate myself!

What should I spend my time doing homework?  It’s so boring!  But games is even more useless.  But games provide fun, something doing HW cannot offer.  Well, there are other things that are better than games that are fun too.  Like what?  Like Ruby 紅宝石… Lol, Fucken good-bye Ruby!  There is no fun.

Fucken good bye Ruby
‘’              ‘’        ‘’   Jessica
‘’               ‘’        ‘’  Julia
‘’               ‘’       ‘’   Jennifer x3
‘’                ‘’     ‘’    whoever that likes me


4:23:59 pm

Ruby, I have made a will, a promise to myself: To me:

Starting tomorrow, I will do my very best to love Ruby. I will try my best. I will give my best effort. I wil stand to my full stature. I will cast fear away. I will ingore fear. Fear has no part of me. I will do my very best effort to love her. If I fail, at least I will come out with a valuable experience.

Steven Yeh

Ruby, that is a promise to me to love you. And I will do my very best. I don’t care if I feel like taking a dumb, if my nose keeps itching or theres something inside, or if I’m thristy, I don’t care what happens, I WILL DO MY VERY BEST EFFORT. I WILL STAND TO MY FULL STAURE. I WILL STAND AND FIGHT. I WILL DO MY VERY BEST. I WILL BE ALL I CAN BE.

Starting tomorrow….

I can’t wait Ruby, I love you Ruby, so Ruby.



Looking back on what I wrote, I feel so… stupid. Heh. That promise I made to Ruby has been broken, praise God, because on my very last day in high school, I saw her kiss someone else passionately. She chose to love someone else. Whew. I did not know the significance of that event until now.


11-16-03 Sunday
9:01 am

No more ringing on my door, maybe you don’t love me anymore… Ruby, so ruby, I wonder how are you doing? Can you beat your world record of 60? Yesterday, I tried to beat you Ruby,
but I didn’t even beat my highest, 50. Instead the highest I got was about 30. I wonder what happened? Maybe I’m losing you Ruby. It’s always hard to say good bye to you my Ruby.
If you loved me Ruby, you would have been… and that drilling noise my Dad is making won’t bother me from writing this to you. If you loved me Ruby, you would have played tennis
with me, and we would have stayed afterschool together. But I think it is not all your fault. I made alot of mistakes too. I should have been more bolder. Right now, my Mom is
going to church. I used to go to church, but not anymore. Why? I’ll tell you that when I finish talking about you Ruby. Cause Ruby is always first in my diary. Always First, and
last in my diary. The less importand things will go in the middle such as how’s my day’s going, and any emergicies I may have. Even if I die, it will still be in the middle,
because my Ruby will always be in the beginning and the end of my diary. (Don’t forget the reason I’m writing this diary is because of you Ruby, so ruby.) Ya, I should have hang out
with you after school, and talked to you instead of going home right away, and I should have joined the tennis club like right now! I will (fu**) I can’t even spell one simple word!
I will develp (Damm myself) a Win-Win relationship with you. I will repeat that (I got MS word so I have spell check.) I will develop (good, finally) a honest, Win-Win relationship
with you Ruby. If you loved me. Heh, that is the title of a book I just finished reading. I’m going to do a book talk on that book. Do you have Ms. Bonfils? Well, she’s my English
teacher. I need to take a dump right now, but Ruby comes first. Once I’m done talking about you, then I’ll go. The book “If you Loved Me” is about the main character, Lauren trying
to keep her old promise of being a virgin until after college. Tyler, her boyfriend, pressured Lauren to have sex with him. Although, Lauren loves loves Tyler, she doesn’t want to
break her old promise. That is the main confict of the story. There are also many conficts. Such as the red car, Amber’s secret Lauren told to someone, her mom, Grams, volleyball
game, Harp (the creative writing teacher I think), and more. I really enjoyed reading this book, in fact, I want you to read it to. Ruby, if only our relationship is as strong
as Lauren and Tyler. If only. If only you loved me.


8:40 pm

A very insprital quote got to me from the calander. “You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.” I think that is 100% true. This quote reminds me of
U.S. history when we waited for our turns to shoot the basket. If you make the basket, you get extra points. I saw some people refuse to even shoot. Boy,
wait until I show them this quote. Heh, better try than never. And also, today, I’m acutally doing me math homework!!! YAY!! And also my progess report
came can I get no D’s but 3 C’s. Thats an improvement, but I still have to work harder. I love you Ruby (even though she doesn’t love me, I promised myself
to write that). Maybe I should also work harder on Ruby. Heh, lol, I’ll try. Someday, I’ll ask her for a date. Even though I know that 99.99999% she will
say no, but theres still that 0.00000000000000314151 percent left (lols), and it’s better than missing 100% as that quote says, and my quote. I love you
Ruby, so Ruby.


11-14-03 Friday
6:54 pm

Today is a defeat. It is lost, it is a sad sad day. But not too sad, but I think my mind and my heart tells me so. Ruby, I guess someone stole
my precious ruby. It is too valuable( can even spell). I don’t want to make fun of Jack, but why did he say “Watch out” when I was talking to her?
I know it gets all personal and all but he just destroyed my love. I hope it is not destroyed. Ruby, I just can’t convey my feeling for you.
I really really really love you. Ruby, ruby, ruby. So ruby. Today, in Chinese class, I read the “7 habits of highly sucessful teens,” and I was
inspired. Really, it has so much good stuff. I even asked Mrs. Smith (my chinese teacher and last year’s chinese teacher. Many people think she’s
a b***h (don’t want to really say it)) Oh about Mrs. Smith, I remember last year, in tenth grade, Howard, at that time my P.E. friend, said that
she is a B***h. He said that everyday, someone in his class always gets in trouble and get’s biched by her. I’m telling you… You do NOT want to
get biched by her. She really makes you pay. I had her last year, and it was next to toture. She biched me to do my homework, saying I can not leave
for my next period (World History) until I finished my homework. I hate her. And I remember Bobby last year and Jospth ( Boy, I SUCK!)… LOL you
should have been there. ALMOST everyday they get in trouble and it is more like a humor class. Bobby talks back and forth plus Joseph (finally…!)
pissing her off. Boy, it always ended up someone gets the referals. And I also remember Bobby, again from Chinese class. He is also a bit** for some reason.
He keeps throwing paper stuff on me (he sits in the back) and boy I get really pissed off so one day, I collected the stuff he threw and showed Mrs. Smith.
She then got real mad (I glad! :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):)) and gave him a referal. hahaha, poor loser, but how can a poor loser be poor?
Ok, I want to play my computer games so I’ll make this quick. I failed chinese class with a “D” grade even though I did well on the finals. Speaking of
finals, why can’t the finals be worth more than just the tiny 10%? Why can’t it be 20% or in college, 80%! Acutally, 80% isn’t enou***… never mind,
homework and tests are also important too. (I would had passed chinese 1 if the finals were more, say maybe 20%) Ruby, you are always in my mind, but
since you don’t love me… Oh, before that (and before I forget) due to the inspirtion of the “7 habits of highly sucessful teens” I tried to borrow the
same book during lunch, but I can’t find it. Instead I found a calander of that. Oh well, the bell rang and I better hurry up. So I checked it out (Too
bad I check Ruby out)… ANYWAYs, I read that during sixth period. My sixth period is to me a free period because cross country session is over.
So I at first was having a converstion with Ruby and soon Jack joined in. (Jackas*) I know, I shouldn’t talk behind people’s backs but this is how I’m
feeling right now. I was trying to talk to her and have a really intemate (spelling!!!) relationship talk with her, but I didn’t quite get there because
first, I was feeling shy, nervous amd afraid, plus Jack is here (playing the gutair) and second, oh ya, it’s because Jack said “Watch Out” to Ruby. He
might think I didn’t hear him, but I hear him LOUD AND CLEAR!!! heh, a twist of fate. I love her, and later when Ruby was in the gym, and Jack was
outside fighting against some guy (lol!), decided read the daily calender. The calender was great, I had a great time, and as I was reading I read
a pargraph that says that a depentant relation means that you are depentant on your girl friend, that your self worth is her, and that you “need” her
to live and to have self-esteem. It says that that is NOT REALLY LOVE and that pretty soon, it will be abuse. I wonder if that is true. I wonder if my
realation with Ruby is an indenpent relationship (meaning…oh I forgot to tell you, meaning that we don’t “need” or “depend” on each other for our own
self-worth) or a dependent relationship. I think it’s really dependent relationship because I based my self worth on Ruby. I surive for Ruby. I do my
homework and sleep and eat for Ruby. Without her I would be long dead. Period. Ya, I think it’s a dependant relationship (typo problems heh…). So maybe
the relationship is over. Ya, I think it’s over, but I will never forget her or how good she is in tennis. She said (I forgot when, either today, or yesterday)
that playing smoothly, she can hit the tennis ball 60 times (I’m 98% sure). I was like WOW, YOU CAN HIT THE TENNIS BALL 60 TIMES WITHOUT A FOUL (lol) OR
STOPPING?????? BOY (I mean girl) YOU ARE AMAZING( again spelling problems). So ya, today I went to washingtion school after dentention (sp) for chemistry
for not doing my homework. I tried to hit the tennis ball sixty times but all I get is 1, 4, 10, 18… ya, I’m not even half as Ruby, then I started
to hit 21,24,19,1 delete the last one lol. But then I GOT 39,50… wait a minute, 50? oh right!!! I almost beat Ruby and plus she’s third best in the
tennis club. So does that mean I’m the best guy (or man) in the tennis club. Wait, this can’t be true!!!!!!111 I’m so happy now. I’m sining a happy
song, thinking I can live so long… I’m singing a happy tune, wishing I can sing the blues… lolz Practice doesn’t make  perfect, perfect practice
makes perfect. See ya!! Oh, by the way. I love Ruby.


11-14-03 Satuday
12:14 pm

Hello, my name is Steven Yeh. I love to swim, play my computer games… Lol, heh. Anyways, yesterday night I dreamed of many dreams. Since I waited a long time, I think
I forgot alot of them, but I’ll tell you what I remembered (or else I’ll forgot what I remembered too, but sometimes I remember dreams years ago. Example: Karen … dream?
Exactly, but I wrote that dream down so thats why I remembered. I got the idea of writing things down when I read those Herny Suger Books. The author wrote his thoughts and
ideas down so thats how he remembered. Heh, smart guy, so thats why I started to write down my intersting dreams. I love to dream, dream is my link to fanisties and my
imagination. What I cannot do in this nervous world, I could do it by dreams and be imagation. Too bad theres no device that can take what you are picturing in your mind and
put it on TV. That would be awesome! Anyways, I need to tell you my dream. I have plenty of time and I’m very bored even though I still have all my homework and catch up to
do. This is my dream: I was in Chinese class. I am in my regular seat, but Jenifier is sitting left of me. (aghhh… Trying to remember the details…) Oh ya, I started to
put my arms around her (a hug) and kissed her cheek. She then said something like “I don’t know you that much….” It was a wonderful feeling. Holding her beautful face
(speelingggg!) around me and kissing her (why everytime I type “kiss” i always type “kill” first???) That is my fanisty. Then it outside my house in the yard in front of the garage.
(Where the basketball court is.) There is a line of people waiting for lunch. For lunch, there is a famous bread. I waited in line. I just remembered the song: I’m standing in line
to see the show to tonight, not even I could, heavy glow, I’m standing in line to see the show tonight not even I could… waiting for!… Heh, lolz, anyways Jenifer came
and asked if I can buy lunch for her too, I say yes, and she left. When it’s my turn at the lunch stand, I got one famous bread, another piece of bread (maybe cupcakes), and
some other food stuff that looks okay-good. When I’m going in my house at the back door, I forgot to buy her a lunch, so I waited in line again. And then I got her lunch and
I gave it to her. Jenifer came back from the blue gate can came to me. I asked her where did she go, she told me that she went to see guys fight (I think thats what she said).
I then just gave my lunch to Jennifer, and thats pretty much it. (I think) Next time, I should have written my dream down on a piece of paper first and then transfer it on
my computer. That would have been a better idea. But strangly, I never dreamed of Ruby today. Very strange. I remember the night I dreamed. Before I dozed and slept, I was
saying to myself that she doesn’t love me anymore, that I am too low for her, and that Jack said “Be careful” made her resist. Oh well, my relationship with Ruby is over, but
is it really over? I still want to come back to her. My heart ache for her. I need her love. Why can this happen? I read the calander (7 steps…) and on one day it says that
if you never go out of your comfort zone, you will have a safe but BORING LIFE. The book (I think or is it the big one?) then said to said to ask a girl on a date. 0.00000000
00000000000000000000000001 second after I read that, I though of Ruby. Maybe I should reach out of my comfort zone and tell her? But what will she say? What will she do?
Wouldn’t be weird? Like incbee, or bumble bee. Lol (slim shady song). Ya, I agree, the calander said that in fact, most of your life should be spent at the comfort zone, but
you have to try to go out to have a more intersting life. Ya, James … said I was “boring” many times. “Your boring” he would say and I would do nearly everything (at that
time) to impress him and to think that I’m not “boring.” I agree what James said. I am boring, lol, staying at my computer all day and playing games. Heh, very boring, but
to me it’s not boring because if it is boring, I would have done something else, and if that something else was boring, I would again do something else. So how can James …
say that I am boring? (By the way, he said “boring” in 8 or 9th grade) Becaue if I AM boring, I would have done something else. I would have felt bored and do something else
anyway, so what I thinking is that he thinks the stuff I am doing is boring to HIM, not me. So that means he is more intersting than me. He is also very good at ddr. I mean
at my peak, I can only try 5 feet, but James at that time can do up to 7 or 8. Crazy krazy James. He is also in my Chemistry Class. Sigh, I’m always so boring, so dumb, not
good enough for Ruby, and all that? Even Java I have problems. You know, why do God create me for? What is my gifts, my one talent? But I remember the joy of helping and
serving people to make a difference. I love defferences to peoples lives. Such has helping Mr.Fong grade papers. I am using my junk time helping him so that he won’t waste
his very precious time doing junk (basic) stuff. Heh, he can grade much much faster than me so one second of his time is like twenty or thirty of mines. Ricdious! And Ricious
again! WTF can’t I spell. I suck at everything I do? Forget about Ruby, forget about “I love Ruby.”


5:16 pm

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, I can’t wait to write about you. Even writing the date and the time was fustring. I love you so much Ruby. You are in my
dreams, in my hearts, in my life. Ruby, you will always be in my life, I love you to my death. Ruby, there are only three words I can say right now:
I love you. So in love with you. I love you. Sigh, Ruby, I need you. Today afterschool, I went to Mrs. Solid’s room to get the appcation for the Rotary
Leadership Awards. I don’t think I’ll be selected to go because only three girls and three guys can go, and they must be a junior. Too bad you can’t go
too Ruby, I love you. I also picked up a tutoring application for La Casa. I thought maybe I can use my strong math skills to help students who are behind
and need help. Like I say earlier, many of these students are on their edge. Ruby, do you want to help them? We can work together. You are excellent in
geometry (my sister told me that), and I’m excellent in AlgebraI and II (I hope so). We can work together, Ruby. We can help them. We can make a difference
in their lives plus we can love each other just as God has loved us. Ruby, I want to kiss you, I want to touch your wonderful face. I love you so much Ruby.
You are the reason why I started to write this diary. You told me that you are third best in tennis, wow, I mean great! You are so good in everything you do.
I mean I wish I had more talant as you. Oh I forgot to tell you the talent story. It is from the Bible (yes, I used to go to church). The talent story is
(my version): One day a king decided to travel to another country. He called up his three servents and gave one of them ten, the second five, and the third
only one talents. (Don’t know what it’s called talents. In that time, it is a sort of money, but I think it as acutal “talents” lol) The servent who recieved
ten talents went and bought a chicken farm. He raised chickens and sold it and their eggs. He earned ten more talants. The second servent with the five
talents went and bought a restruant ( I can’t even spell that!!!). He earned five more. However, the person with the one talent decided to dig a hole and put
the money in. Thats really sad, the person, although low in talents did not use his gift. When the king finally came back, he called his first servent with
the ten talents and that person gave him his share plus ten more he earned. The king saluted and congrads him. He gave him control of ten cities. The second
servent with the five talents came and he gave the king’s share of five plus the five talents he earned. The King cheered him and gave him control of five
cities. Then finally, the king called the third servent with only one talent. He have his talent back but earned none. He said that he know his master is cruel
and harsh, and he is afraid of him, so he dug it in a hole. Then the king said take the one talent that he has and give it to the man with the ten talents. Then
he told his guards to kill him. That story teaches lots of morals. The first one is that in life, even fear is not a reason why you are not performing at your
best (in my own words) and the second one is that life is unfair. God gave some people ten talents, to some he gave five and also to some he gave only one
(ppl like me). Ruby, you have ten talents I only have one. I think about life, and sometimes I think about unfairness. Why can’t everyone have the same amount of
talents? Why is it that some people have ten, some have five and for me, only one? That proves the saying “All men are created equal” as wrong. Why because all men
are NOT equal and they will never will be. Some people are more talanted at arts, others at math and english, and even some are given many gifts such as the power
to heal, the power of multiple languages, the power to kill (so sad but it’s true), and so forth. So Ruby, if you don’t love me I will understand. I’m not good
enough for you but at least I will try. Why? Cause I will fail 100% if I don’t try. And second, I love you the second I saw you. I am a virgin, I love no one else
but you. Tu o Nadie, which in Spainish means “You or noone.” That is how I feel. I love you Ruby.