12/10/2010: Being me II

12/10/2010: Being me II

S: 5:16pm

E: 5:42pm

Many times, even though I want to write, I feel I don’t want to write. I would rather do something else that I want, like playing games. However, an incident happened today that makes me want to write. I have to write now, if not, my heart will burn within me. I need to write not just when I feel like it, but when I don’t, as long as it gives glory to God.

I will write from events of greatest importance to events of lesser importance.

I was sitting on one of my platoon’s truck, sulking away. My sergeant noticed it and kept asking me what’s wrong.

“Nothing, I’m good.” I would say, or “I’m fine.”

What I said is close to a half-truth. I am fine, as long as I try to follow God, He will be with me, and I will be fine. Another thing I was reluctant to open up is because I’m afraid my sergeant may use this information against me and I felt my troubled thoughts won’t change anything. Yet, another thing is I felt it is partly my fault. I should be stronger.

Earlier, when we dropped off the humvees, my sergeant did something that offended me. Well, it wasn’t just that incident that set it off, but the past. This was just like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I began to retreat to myself, alone, watching the sunset. I want to be alone. I can feel the quietness and the wind. I can feel peace. Some sergeants came to me and greeted me and started talking in my area, so I went to another area. I opened my Bible and began reading the book of Psalms. I cannot depend on my own strength, but on the limitless power of God. Later on, we got back on the truck and went to the front of the site. It was there when my sergeant talked to me.

I was resistant because I’m afraid. I’m not sure what he would do. I need to be careful. Yet, another part of me want to tell the truth, because it is the truth that sets people free. I told my sergeant that I need time to think. And then, I told him. I told him I didn’t know if it was my fault, his, or both. I told him there are times when I feel hurt dealing with people. It hurts me. I have to endure. When people attack me, not physically, but deeper inside, I feel hurt. Yet, my usual response is to endure the pain and rely on God. But, since my sergeant inquired, I told him the truth. He said who do you have trouble working with? Me? I told him yes. I told him it’s just my weakness, that I’m never good in the ways of this world and when people attack me, it hurts. But, since he asked what he needs to change, I added that he should be more loving, kind, and humble. I told him I prefer to work with nice people; people who are loving and humble, but, of course, in this world, that is not the case. He told me he tries to be nice and kind, and I told him yes. He told me the frustrations of working with me, that I simply do not know what everybody else should know: common sense. I also lack, since I hardly deal with people before the Army, the sense of people’s expectations of me. He told me I don’t really understand people because I’m so sheltered, but after he said that, I told him I feel I do know a bit about people, but I lack the sense. In basic training and AIT, I had the same problem. I would, despite my best effort, just not know what is going on or what to do. Towards the middle of basic, the drill sergeant assigned a “babysitter” to me so he can guide me. If I get smoked, he gets smoked along with me. If I run to block a street as a road guard, he has to run with me. It’s really painful to know that others seem to magically know what to do and I don’t. I told my sergeant my weaknesses, but I added that I am still growing in this world. I am still learning more about life and understanding people. All this, of course, implied, that I am also growing in spirit and truth.

My sergeant told me I’m too grounded in heaven and not on earth which is part of the reason why I am so clueless. What he said is true, but the big reason is simply because I don’t have people-sense. Although I understand people, thanks to the Bible, I can’t sense them. There are times when I can, but there are also times when I can’t and being in the military, it is important to know people’s expectations of me. I don’t really focus on people’s expectations, but on God’s expectations.

It’s hard; it’s tough to be me, to life my life. Everyone seems to be so blessed but me. They are better in the ways of this world than me, but, I must still follow God and do my best. I will still cry because people do hurt me, but I will still continue to love God and love people. It gets tough. It gets hard. But as long as God is with me and I can read my Bible (or read them in my mind), I will be alright in the end.

12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

12/3/2010: It’s just like His great love

12/3/2010: It’s just like His great love

S: 4:56pm

E: 5:59pm

It has come to my attention that some people are concerned about me. I want to reassure everyone that I am okay. I am alright. With God, everything will be alright. I write my journals and discoveries to reflect the truth, and sometimes, the truth hurts, but I must still tell it because my God is the god of truth.

Yes, sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I mess up. I slip and fall, but “do not gloat over me…! Though I have fallen, I will rise” (Micah 7:8).

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD’s wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

Psalms 118:17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

It is God’s great love that keeps me alive.

There is a similar episode during a time when I was a nursing student (LVN) that I would like to share with you.

Before my job as a tutor, I was a nursing student. Out of 400 applicants, I was one of the lucky 40 chosen to be in the LVN class! I was so happy, so blessed to have a wonderful opportunity in life! My dad had always thought nursing is a good choice for me since it earns lots of money and allows me to help people.

But, as time went on, I got lazy. I started to fall behind my reading assignments. I started to play computer games when I should have studied. I would get depressed and would play more computer games. There came to a point where I don’t even bother reading my textbook anymore, but relied totally on my notes in class, which is limited but is even more so since I get tired in class often. But, even then, for some reason, I managed to pass all my written examinations. God is giving me time to repent and turn back to Him, and, I tried, with tears, but I was unable to overcome the bondage of sin. After every gaming binge, I would tearfully kneel on my bed asking for God to forgive me and to give me strength. However, almost every time the temptations came, I crumble.

At the same time, since I have to go to the vicinity of downtown LA (I get off at Soto St.) to attend the East LA Occupational College, I am also tasked of taking my sister back from the Coburn School of Performing Arts. My dad would drop her off and I would take her home. After my classes, I would drive to downtown LA, go a little ways inside Korea town, and wait for her in the Coburn parking lot. I would usually spend the free time waiting for my sister on sleeping or on God. I asked God for hope and part of the reason why I lasted so long in my nursing class when I should have failed much sooner is because God gave me second chances.

On a particular day, I was feeling very depressed about my life situation. My grades in my nursing class have taken a turn for the worse and my nursing instructor seems to be looking for a way to get rid of me. I contemplated suicide then because I felt powerless. I felt powerless to study and improve in class, powerless to stop playing computer games, powerless to turn to God completely and worship Him. I really wanted to kill myself. Desperately, I turned on my laptop and decided to look for a song (Christian) that can revive me and give me hope.

One of my hobbies doing my college years is downloading Christian music. I would download as much Christian music on Youtube as I can. I would also download midi hymns and its lyrics. I would then sing everywhere I go, from walking to classes in 6th grade to riding on my bicycle to PCC, a community college.

I opened my laptop and decided to look for a song to save my life. One of the songs I listened to, did:

It’s Just like his great love

Edna R. Worrell, 1903

 

A friend I have called Jesus, Whose love is strong and true,

And never fails howe’er ’tis tried, no matter what I do;

I’ve sinned against this love of His, but when I knelt to pray,

Confessing all my guilt to Him, the sin clouds rolled away.

Refrain

It’s just like Jesus to roll the clouds away,

it’s just like Jesus to keep me day by day,

it’s just like Jesus all along the way,

It’s just like His great love.

Sometimes the clouds of trouble bedim the sky above,

I cannot see my Savior’s face, I doubt His wondrous love;

But He, from heaven’s mercy seat, beholding my despair,

In pity bursts the clouds between, and shows me He is there.

Refrain

When sorrow’s clouds o’ertake me, and break upon my head,

When life seems worse than useless, and I were better dead;

I take my grief to Jesus then, nor do I go in vain,

For heavenly hope He gives that cheers like sunshine after rain.

Refrain

O, I could sing forever of Jesus’ love divine,

Of all His care and tenderness for this poor life of mine;

His love is in and over all, and wind and waves obey,

When Jesus whispers “Peace, be still!” and rolls the clouds away.

Refrain

Yes, it’s just like His great love to give me hope and to keep me alive. This hymn also mentions suicide, but it then shows that Jesus comes and saves the day. It’s just like His great love to save me every day. I sang that song over and over again and cried much. Only Jesus can roll my clouds away and He surely did that day. That song revived me and gave me the strength to continue despite my life’s hopelessness. Because my God is the God of hope, he is the God who gives me hope.

——————————-

Now that my concerns are rectified, about my day:
Today is the first time I shot the M9 handgun! I was on ammo detail and we went to the range. I asked my sergeants if I could also qualify on the M9, and he told me yes, if everybody who’s supposed to qualify did, and if there is extra rounds.

I never fired a handgun before, so I was apprehensive. The target for the M9 is just a 25 meter target, with 5, 4, and 3 point area depending on how close the center is. I watched other officers fire, since mostly officers is assigned the handgun, and they all did pretty good. Then Davis, my battle buddy who shot 40/40 went and also did extremely well, despite the fact that it was his first time, too. Now it is my turn. All this time, I knew that in order for me to succeed, I have to live by faith, and I have to shoot by faith. I went up and I also did very well. I’m surprised! It is so much easier to aim and shoot a handgun than it is to shoot a rife. I got 23 five’s, 12 four’s, 2 three’s, and 1 (I just noticed it) miss, with a total score of 169. The max score is 200. I did as well as the officers. Davis, on the other hand, got a 196. Praise God!

11/30/2010: Back to Basic

11/30/2010: Back to Basic

 

S: 6:51pm

E: 7:07pm

 

 

Life recently, has been very hard for me. I felt like giving up. I cry. On my bed, I even contemplated suicide. However, I realized, when going to dinner chow, that no matter how hard my life may be, it will never be as hard as basic training.

 

The drill sergeants got it right. By making the entry of Army life for a soldier hard as hell, that drill sergeant is actually teaching the soldier to be prepared for anything. And for me, that anything includes hardship, suffering, both from my body and by people around me. I can still remember vividly my many experiences in basic and a lot of soldiers can remember it too. One of the topics we talk about in guard duty is our experiences in basic training. The hardest part of my life, and I guess the hardest part of anyone’s life has to be in basic.

 

I suffered so much, I got made fun of so much, I got cursed at, misunderstood, misjudged, cussed at, tormented, got tired, but with all that, I also had God. And it was God who helped me through it. Every spare time I had is spent sleeping or reading the book of Psalms. “I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’” (Psalms 91:2). “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalms 91:1). “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance” (Psalms 32:7). “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Psalms 118:6).

 

Now that life has gotten harder, I should not give up. I should not wish I have more free time. What I really want is a life where I can worship and give glory to God continually. Of course, I cannot do that. I need to be strong, to be humble, and to wait on the Lord. I need to pretend that my life right now is like basic training although it is a lot easier. I need to serve God and love people. I need to have a basic mentality.

9/2/09

9/2/09

S: 1:54am
E: 2:07am

I’m sitting on staff duty right now. But, although I’m tired, I have some important things to write.

I almost lost my computer today, but trying to fix the problem, I almost destroyed it. And I’m not even sure if I fixed it. Most likely not. It reminds me when I was young, breaking all my household’s computers heh.

The most important thing, friend, is God. I have to memorize the book of Psalms and Matthew. I need to follow His Word in order to survive.

The second thing is about Endora. Wow, I.. I guess I was very improper with her. I had a crush on her because she loves the Lord. Now that God has entered my life, I see girls that love the Lord as beautiful. But.. I was wrong with Endora. She hardly knew me. She only knew me when I was young. What am I doing? Why am I sinning against God because of her? Lord, forgive me. Now I need forgiveness…. Sigh, I hate myself. For Endora, I’m just going to ignore her and start focusing fully on God.

It’s ok if I don’t have a girlfriend, or if my life is hard and miserable. I just want God. I just want Him to be by me. I need His presence.

Enough. I need to stop thinking of things too wonderful for me. Let God change other people around me. He is in control. The battle belongs to the Lord. I am going to swallow many bitter pills because of this.

This is it, I’m going to make a promise. I’m not going to actively get what I want until I memorize Psalms and Matthew at least. This life is not about me, its about God.

My social life will be in limbo. My future soulmate (if I have one) will be in limbo. Everything will be in limbo until I am done with my goals, which is to memorize all of Psalms and Matthew.

I’m tired of trying. I forgot that it is the Lord who watches my steps and sees my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I must suffer and endure for the Lord with no prospect of reward or comfort. No, He is the God of comfort. I need to worship and follow God.

Declared: Everything in my life will now be in limbo (not active) until I memorize the books of Psalms and Matthew completely.

Praise God!

God’s help (8/28/09)

8/28/09

S: 12:10pm
E: 12:22pm

I wrote in my public, going to be, facebook entry that reads:

God’s help (8/28/09)

Right after the run this morning, I decided to have devotion before I eat. My mind immediately thought of Psalm 91. I don’t know how I thought of it, but somehow, I knew that Psalm 91 includes “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” I read it to myself aloud. The psalm greatly comforted me on the pain I felt when I ran.
It sucks, this almost never happened, but today, right before I ran, I had a sudden urge to defecate. However, I cannot, so I held it during the entire run. On Fridays, we do a battalion run. My sergeant major calls it “black Friday” due to the fact that all of us have to wear our black battalion T-shirts. During the run, I felt extreme pain sporadically. I thought about just falling out and taking a dump on the side of the street. Not only was I experiencing pain, I also had to endure the screaming of seargents telling me to catch up. I managed to stay with the group during the entire run, not because of them, but because of God. In any other circumstances, the run was easy, and for some reason, today’s run was shorter than most. Praise God, my mediator, that he heard my cry and watched over me.
But my devotion did not stop there. I read on to Psalm 94. In verse 16 and 17, it struck a chord in my life. Verse 16 to 17 reads: “Who will rise up for me against the wicked? Who will take a stand for me against evildoers? Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.” It goes on: “When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. (v18-19)” How true are these verses! God always helped me in times of trouble.

Praise the Lord!
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God has done so much for me everyday. Many times, I just don’t realize it. Ok, I’m eating…. Be back later. Ok, finished a slice of pizze. I’m eating leftovers. I don’t like to waste food. Initally, I thought the “who will rise up for me…” mean human beings. But now I see that it stands for God. It’s the Lord who gives me help in times of trouble. Ok… after reading it again, I found out I was wrong again. God can use almost anything to help us. From people, to dreams, to weather, to his direct intervention, etc. What matters is that the orign of the help comes from God. Amen.

Praise the Lord!