8/8-9/2013: Let It Go

8/8-9/2013: Let It Go

S: 11:42pm
E: 12:31am

I have so much to write, I have so little to write. I don’t know what to write about. Life right now feels surreal. I am now alone all the time. I try. I try so hard to be with people, to love God, to do and be my version of the Spiritual Man according to Watchman Nee. However, I try, even with God, and failed. Anna told me something that cheered and gave me hope. She told me to stop trying. “In other words,” Anna wrote, “stop fighting, let GOD FIGHT FOR YOU.” Later, she texted, “Steven.. Just let go.” I replied, “Ok, I will try to let go and just depend on God. thanks.” Maybe the key to victory and success is not really to try, because man is weak, but to “just let go” and let God take over. I knew that concept before and I applied it in the Army. Somehow, I forgot. The Bible has many instances where God just told Israel to stand and watch. He will do the battle for them. But, there are other instances where man tried and, due to their efforts, they won. I’m thinking of Jonathan’s courageous charge that changed the tide of a battle. There are times when all the Israelites were asked are to sing, or to just take up battle positions, or to just stay and watch and let God do the fighting.

At least I’m putting some of my time into good use. Yesterday, I renewed my Texas Vehicle Inspection sticker, and studied the THEA (Texas Higher Education Assessment) because I’m thinking of becoming a teacher. I also took advantage of the Valore Books offer of buy or rent three books and get the fourth for free. I went to the UTEP bookstore website and found I only needed three books. So, I choose the fourth book of my choice. I chose the ASWB Bachelor’s Study Guide so I can get a head-start on preparing for the social work examination. It is the test that matters. I was going to get a book on military strategy or an introductory updated book on Social Work but I reasoned that, for the military strategy, I already have a book about it, and knowledge concerning Social Work tends to be updated frequently. If I buy the introductory book, it may be obsolete in a decade.

Today, my main mission is to spend time with God and to organize. I did more organizing than God. I cleared my old mail and receipts. I put things back where they belonged. I placed my old schoolwork from my summer classes into archives and got ready, at least on paper, for the Fall semester. A remarkable thing is I did all of them without really trying. I wanted to do them so I just did them. Granted, I also played a lot of games on the side but I feel it is a big improvement than me trying to get things done. Hmm, I remember the song by Rascal Flatts “When you change the way you look at things / the things you look at change.” I wanted to worship God and to clean my life up so I did it without really trying. My divisions (army) are tired and weak. They cannot try anymore. I already exhausted its strength. Oh and I glued my car side-mirror back on.

Tomorrow, I may further organize my room and go to McDonalds to study the THEA. I want to do that. I want to go to McDonalds so I can study and be with people and enjoy the food. Ever since McDonalds have the $1 McDouble promotion, I realized that the restaurant has a dollar menu! I can buy any burger and drink for only $1, plus tax. Compared to buying my own burger patties, which at Albersons cost $1 for 1 when it’s on sale, it is a good deal. I not only get the patty but the bun, the vegetable, the condiments, and it’s already cooked and prepared for $1. McDonalds might be my new military DFAC (dining facility). And they got Wi-Fi, too, and I haven’t tried it yet. And it’s convenient, only a short drive from my flat. I could walk, like I did to Don Haskins Center for Danny’s graduation, but I’m lazy. Well, maybe I should walk. I could use the PT (physical exercise).

Danny and Shawna’s family has been calling me regularly but I always had my phone on silent. Well, they stopped calling me today, but still. I told myself that if I am going to give up, I will at least walk up to them and give them a chance. I think they are one of the families that love me. My mail goes to their place although not anymore. I changed everything to be sent to my residence address now. I know my landlord told me before that it could be dangerous to send mail here because people in my area may steal them but I, after much bitter thinking last week, decided that the alternative is better. Back then, I want to avoid them. I don’t want to walk up to the front door and see them just so I can get my mail. I already did my best with God and I failed. Why should I be with people again? Why should I try again? I’m just going to fail again, I reasoned.

Danny probably would have never thought I would leave. Before, I wanted to help him on his college applications. But when I had the time and was available, Danny told me he’s busy, that he has to “work.” I wondered to myself if their family is too busy to prepare Danny for college, then they are probably busy at the wrong things. I still want to help him; I still want to help everyone, including my church. But, I can’t go back, not yet. It is too painful. Failing or failure especially when I gave me weak little all with God is too traumatizing. I will continue to follow Anna’s advice to “Just let go” and let God “FIGHT FOR YOU.”

Speaking of Anna, I texted her yesterday that either I or her can call each other in the afternoon and I should have called her. I thought the advice she gave me is enough. Well, it probably is, but one thing I learned in the Army is to communicate and understand, even if the communication is weak, because it is better than nothing. With nothing, someone can come and influence things and make it much harder for me. I’ll try to call her again today (its past midnight). I don’t care if I can’t perform at 100% or even 50% of my best. As long as I have a lifeline with her, that is what matters.

PS: And to give a more complete picture (since I feel I am being more split-minded than before), what if I don’t want to talk to her? What if I don’t feel like talking to her when the time comes? Should I still talk to her? Should I *try* to talk to her? Well, a promise, if I told her I will call, is a promise, so regardless of how I feel, I should still call her. It’s like I may not feel like going to class but I have to so I do the best I can to make adjustments and do it. Actually, it’s not really a promise. I made that sentence to her a question mark. I might call her or she might call me. I can’t make promises anymore. I told myself that. Look at all the promises I made to God. “My best resolves I only break.” My credit rating (spiritually) is too low for me to make any more promises. When I talk to God, I no longer make any promises, except for emergencies. Instead, I tell Him that I will try or for Him to change me and/or make me do what I said.

12/16/2010: The Ten Commandments

S: 6:23pm

E: 6:44pm

I don’t have a lot of time but I really wanted to write this so I won’t lose my thoughts. I am a little over half-way done watching The Ten Commandments. I promised a soldier that I will watch it when I was on guard but, until now, never did. He kept reminding me and bothering me until I finally promised him (I already promised him that I will watch it) that I will watch it tonight. Well, night came and I didn’t watch it. That was awful of me. I can’t believe I broke a promise. For me, I have my own timetable. I promised him that I will watch the movie, but it will be on my timing, and I would like to say that my timing is dependent on God’s. I simply didn’t feel the urge to watch the movie. Until now, until today. The soldier came and told me, “Yeh, if you don’t watch the movie and give me a review of it by tomorrow, I will beat you up..” Wow, what words. So, out of fear, I finally watched it.

And it was wonderful. It was great. One thing I feel I want to teach to everyone. God made Moses a prince of Egypt. If Moses wanted to, he can easily be Pharaoh. Moses eventually knew his fate and his upbringing. One may ask, why don’t become Pharaoh and use his human position and power to “let my people go?” The answer is not easy to accept, but God has his own plan to set his people free. It is not by human power or strength that the Lord saves, but through His will. Moses chose not to serve man or anything of man, including his nation, but he chose to follow God’s leading. Moses chose to follow the heavenly kingdom.

I am currently reading The Invisible War by Chip Ingram and he tells me that there is an unseen world, a spirit world. Thanks to Bible stories he tells, I know that the unseen is greater than the seen. When Elisha was surrounded by Aram’s armies, he told his servant, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (2 Kings 6:16). What was he doing? Can’t he see the obvious? It turns out that he is seeing the obvious. When his servant’s eyes were opened, he saw the unseen armies of God. The armies of Aram were blinded, led like sheep to Israel’s army, and destroyed.

Matthew 26:52 “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.

53 Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?

Jesus is the Son of God and Christ of God. He, at his power, can summon up heavenly armies to destroy the mob that was going to capture Him, but He chose not to follow His will, but His Father’s just as Moses chose to follow God’s plan instead of his plan.

The book reaffirms me that the unseen world and the spirit world is real. There is a cosmic battle between good and evil, and although good has already won, evil is still fighting a losing battle. We might put on the whole Armor of God to fight and take a stand.

Help me Lord, to live by faith and to believe on what is unseen. Help me not to be drawn by the things of this world but by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:12).

It is very easy for anyone, since we are born in the flesh, to focus on what is seen. To focus on pleasure, looks, comfort, material things, and the splendor of this world, but God is asking us to put faith on what is unseen. To put faith on His son, Jesus, to put on “righteousness as [our] clothing” (Job 29:14), and to put on the whole Armor of God. God took away all Job had but because he placed his trust in what is unseen, in God, God gave him everything back and more. When we pray or do spiritual things, we must do them without regard of earthly consequences. God has His own time, He has His own plan, and He knows it all.

看見復興 by 讚美之泉

我們是你的百姓

主你是我們的神

用讚美打開城門

來預備你救恩的道路

 

呼喊吧  神的百姓  呼喊吧

耶和華已將這城交給我們

讓讚美的聲音不停息

如同大水淹沒仇敵

呼喊吧  神的百姓  呼喊吧

耶和華已將這城交給我們

讓讚美的聲音不歇息

直到我們看見復興

Wow, I feel like a fool. I thought the chorus meant, “Bu hai pa (Don’t be afraid).” Oops, but oh well. It’s hard to make promises. Today, I promised God that I will spent at least 2 hours on Him and it has to be my firstfruits of my time. Acutally, it was the rest of today, but I changed it to 2 hours because I knew I couldn’t keep it. Shortly after that, our section got off! I went to my room and started reading Chip Ingram’s book, but shortly, I found myself thinking of doing other things. Near the end of the first hour, I placed my chair (I was sitting while reading) back in front of my laptop and was going to go on OkCupid when my sergeant came and told me to follow him. Wow! I followed him, in shock and asking God’s forgiveness. He went to Davis’ area and told us there is some additional work to do. During our short break for lunch, I went back to my room and prayed, asking God for forgiveness. I knew this was from Him. I broke my promise. I sat down on my chair, trying to squeeze in some sleep when I decided to listen to some 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise) music. The first song I listened to, at random was the song above. It gave me strength to not give up and continue to follow God. I mess up, I’m weak, but I must still “get up and win the race.” Shortly after that, some guys came in and told us if we give him the keys they can do our job for us. Overjoyed, we gave him the keys and I get to spend my first full hour for God (added 30-minute penalty). That song lifted my spirit up and gave me strength to continue to trust in Him and not give up.

PS: I actually chose that album because the cover has a green leaf on it and since my last name 葉 means leaf… oh well.

7/16/2010 Hopelessness and the girl I love part 3

7/16/2010

S: 7:59pm

E: 8:45pm

A lot of things has happened in the past few days, but I want to keep my journals short and simple.

It’s easy to let the pleasures and entertainment of life to diminish writing my life story. Like yesterday, I was going to write but my bunk mates decided to watch <i>Avatar: The air bender</i>. Or, I would sometimes check Yahoo news before I write my discoveries (my term for journal writing) and find that my life just isn’t that interesting or urgent to write anymore. <b>I let the news, events, and pressures of the world diminish my own life.</b>

These past few days has been trying for me, but, it seems God always finds a way to help me, even when I feel hopeless that God actually will help me. My two old worries surfaced again: college and my dad. To deal with them would be too difficult and too much for me right now. I’m already under extreme pain and hardship (for me). I can’t fight anymore. I know that all I really need is to call my dad and everything should be okay. My dad still misses me and wants to contact me. My college? After I check the my truthful situation, I should be able to call them and ask for a second chance. But, the problem is, I know what to do, but I just can’t do it. There’s too much pain and trouble involved. There’s too much fear involved.

You know, sometimes I feel, and I think other people sometimes feel this way, that I just can’t take any defeat anymore. I am already under tremendous stress. Any defeat I receive will be too painful and horrible for me. As long as anything I try has a chance of defeat, it is not worth trying.

I want God to go before me, to grant me victory. I want God to go forward, completely wipe out my enemies and I just come and occupy the land.

<i>¶While he was still talking to them, the messenger came down to him. And the king said, “This disaster is from the LORD. Why should I wait for the LORD any longer?” ¶Elisha said, “Hear the word of the LORD. This is what the LORD says: About this time tomorrow, a seah of flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.” ¶The officer on whose arm the king was leaning said to the man of God, “Look, even if the LORD should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?” ¶“You will see it with your own eyes,” answered Elisha, “but you will not eat any of it!” ¶Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die?  If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.” ¶At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, not a man was there,  for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!”  So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives.</i>

2 Kings 6:33 – 2 Kings 7:7 (NIV)

I know that I need to focus on the Lord of the Battle and not on the battle, for it is the Lord who grants me victory.

And also about the girl I love….

I have been very horny lately (of course, what do you expect from a bunch of guys living together with no female contact?). And, I have been letting these evil desires control my thought life again. It’s like the cancer. I have even made plans to alter my leave destination or plans so I might be able to indulge my sinful, guilty pleasures. Praise God, one way or another, and more due to hardships in my life, I was able to promise Him that even if I chose to kill myself, I will not sin against God. It’s not easy making that promise; I have to sacrifice so much, but I have to do it because my life and my body belong to the Lord.

I have been thinking about finding a girlfriend (it has to be, of course, a girl who loves God), but then I began to wonder if my promise with the girl I love to God is really valid. I remember myself on my bed, telling God that if He were to give her to me, I would dedicate my life and my firstborn (or all my children, not sure) to Him. I remember when I was in the field, in desperation (I just declared my love to her via Facebook and she blocked me), I opened my Bible to a random page. At the same time, my battle buddies in the tents were questioning me about my girlfriend and my desire for one. What I read in the Bible shocked me. The first heading and verses I read were about Jacob and his fourteen years of toil to get the girl he loved.

<i>Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” ¶Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.”  So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. ¶Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her.” ¶So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast.  But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her.  And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant. ¶When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?” ¶Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one.  Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.” ¶And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. </i>

Genesis 29:18 – Genesis 29:28 (NIV)

So I told my tent mates “Even if she blocks me and has no interest in me, I will still try to love her.” I then tried telling them about the story of Jacob and Rachel and how I should not give up. I forgot if they were still attentive to me. Afterwards, I felt so inspired, I wrote a draft I was going to post on Facebook titled “Seven Years.” Obviously, I hope you know what that means.

Yes, I would be sacrificing so much. I need a companion. I need someone who loves me and whom I can tell all my troubles and feelings to, and I would do the same for her. It’s wonderful to have a spiritual battle buddy, and especially if it’s your would-be wife!

I am already socially isolated. I don’t have any close friends of any sort (spiritual, hobby, personal, etc). I don’t have a close friend whom I can tell all my trials and troubles to. I do have a few good friends, especially in my platoon, but even to them, I can’t tell everything. I don’t feel a complete connection with them. Maybe that’s why I use Facebook so much, lol. <b>To go thought life alone without a friend who provides unconditional love, help, and comfort is a great handicap.</b> A lot of people would pay somebody to be their unconditional friend, but once his money is gone, his friend is also gone. It’s hard for me to find a unconditional friend in this world and it’s even harder in this day and age, when everybody’s living for the moment.

The only friend I truly have and He is my greatest asset is Jesus. It is Jesus who keeps me alive. I have already gone way beyond my capacity to endure. It is Jesus who keeps me living. It is Jesus who keeps my heart pumping. It is Jesus who gives me help, hope, and comfort every day.  Many times, He gives me just enough, but, praise God, it’s just enough!

It’s okay. I don’t know where my life is leading me but I know <b>who</b> is leading my life. And He knows and understands more than everything about me. In this world, it seems, I can only trust in God.

2/28/2010: The girl I love

2/28/2010: The girl I love

I was in anguish lately. I kept thinking of her. She makes me cry. I feel feel I cannot go on with my life due to stress without her. I have been praying, reading the Psalms, and singing. I love to recite the end of Psalm 62, that you O God is strong and you O Lord is loving. Reading the verses of the Psalms greatly comforted me. Then, I thought about Hannah and how she dedicated her first-born son to God. That’s it!

I will make a promise to God, just as Hannah promised the Lord that if He gives her a son, she will dedicated him to the Lord. I will promise God that I will dedicate my life if God can let me love her. Yes, I will dedicate my life to him. I will do everything and anything he says. I will dedicate my life to God if He can let me love her.

After making this promise and saying this prayer, I felt 10x better. I felt refreshed, I felt renewed energy. I felt much freeer. Praise God! Now it is in God’s hands, for the battle belongs to the Lord.

If God lets me love the girl I love, I will dedicate my life to Him.

9/5/09

9/5/09

S: 9:41pm
E: 9:45pm

I don’t have time to waste my time. I decided to keep that on. But another more pressing thing is on me. I’m afraid. Afraid. I need to follow God and serve Him more. But I’m not sure if Facebook is really honoring God. I’m going to promise God that I’m just going to use Facebook once a day. Yes, once a day. Until I finish memorizing Psalms and Matthew. I still haven’t forgotten the promise. I am bound to my vow. It’s going to be painful and hard, but I must do it. I must be faithful to my Lord.

I’m afraid, afraid. Opening myself is a scary thing to do. I need to put a guard over my mouth. I need to watch myself. Be careful, be villigiant. Help me God. Protect me.

9/2/09

9/2/09

S: 1:54am
E: 2:07am

I’m sitting on staff duty right now. But, although I’m tired, I have some important things to write.

I almost lost my computer today, but trying to fix the problem, I almost destroyed it. And I’m not even sure if I fixed it. Most likely not. It reminds me when I was young, breaking all my household’s computers heh.

The most important thing, friend, is God. I have to memorize the book of Psalms and Matthew. I need to follow His Word in order to survive.

The second thing is about Endora. Wow, I.. I guess I was very improper with her. I had a crush on her because she loves the Lord. Now that God has entered my life, I see girls that love the Lord as beautiful. But.. I was wrong with Endora. She hardly knew me. She only knew me when I was young. What am I doing? Why am I sinning against God because of her? Lord, forgive me. Now I need forgiveness…. Sigh, I hate myself. For Endora, I’m just going to ignore her and start focusing fully on God.

It’s ok if I don’t have a girlfriend, or if my life is hard and miserable. I just want God. I just want Him to be by me. I need His presence.

Enough. I need to stop thinking of things too wonderful for me. Let God change other people around me. He is in control. The battle belongs to the Lord. I am going to swallow many bitter pills because of this.

This is it, I’m going to make a promise. I’m not going to actively get what I want until I memorize Psalms and Matthew at least. This life is not about me, its about God.

My social life will be in limbo. My future soulmate (if I have one) will be in limbo. Everything will be in limbo until I am done with my goals, which is to memorize all of Psalms and Matthew.

I’m tired of trying. I forgot that it is the Lord who watches my steps and sees my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I must suffer and endure for the Lord with no prospect of reward or comfort. No, He is the God of comfort. I need to worship and follow God.

Declared: Everything in my life will now be in limbo (not active) until I memorize the books of Psalms and Matthew completely.

Praise God!

8/20/2009

8/20/2009

S: 6:58pm
E: 7:00pm

I promised to God that in good times, I will worship, thank, and praise Him. In bad times, I will seek, trust, and follow Him. I think the real test for me is not when times are bad but when times are good. Sigh, its hard for me to worship God in good times. I get pulled away with all sorts of temptations.

ANd I asked my roommate, Sherrel, to buy me that Final Fansaty VII game. Sigh, who am I? I am just so weak. So weak.

Lord, forgive me and help me to give you praise. TO worship you.

11-18-03

11-18-03
4:23:59 pm

Ruby, I have made a will, a promise to myself: To me:

Starting tomorrow, I will do my very best to love Ruby. I will try my best. I will give my best effort. I wil stand to my full stature. I will cast fear away. I will ingore fear. Fear has no part of me. I will do my very best effort to love her. If I fail, at least I will come out with a valuable experience.

Steven Yeh
11-18-03
3:11:03
*Signed*

Ruby, that is a promise to me to love you. And I will do my very best. I don’t care if I feel like taking a dumb, if my nose keeps itching or theres something inside, or if I’m thristy, I don’t care what happens, I WILL DO MY VERY BEST EFFORT. I WILL STAND TO MY FULL STAURE. I WILL STAND AND FIGHT. I WILL DO MY VERY BEST. I WILL BE ALL I CAN BE.

Starting tomorrow….

I can’t wait Ruby, I love you Ruby, so Ruby.

———————————–

11/12/2010

Looking back on what I wrote, I feel so… stupid. Heh. That promise I made to Ruby has been broken, praise God, because on my very last day in high school, I saw her kiss someone else passionately. She chose to love someone else. Whew. I did not know the significance of that event until now.