10/19/2011: My notes during CQ shift

10/19/2011: My notes during CQ shift

S: 1921
E: about 2100

Today I have charge of quarters watch (CQ)!!!! yay. Nah, just kidding. I really hate CQ or staff duty or any other duty that requires me to be awake for 24 hours straight, so, I’m just going to write whatever is on my mind. I can always have a lot of things to write and writing helps me pass the time.

I’m tired, like always, and I know that I should be trying to sneak in naps instead of writing but I’m still going to write. I have a lot of things to write in my heart.

First off, even if nobody loves me, cares about me, or have anything positive about me, I must still be able to love, care, and do anything that is good or right. Even if everybody only receive, I must still give. I need to do this because my life and my circumstances are not dependent on what happens to me in this world, it is not like shifting sands, but it must be like the solid rock of Christ. I must love because God is love. I must care because God cares about us.

I have so many worries, and yes, so many problems and faults. But, I can tell, and thus give, my worries to God, and ask God to change me, to transform me, and although the process may be long, someday perfect I will be.

When I think of an angel, I sometimes think of Archangel Tyrael in Diablo II. He has two wings, yes, but he also has many limbs. These limbs are useful to fight against evil. I also want to be like an angel and, like him, I also want to have many limbs.

To me, these limbs symbolize my efforts to change the world for good. I have my music creation limb, which I play Christian music on my guitar and publish it on Youtube. I have my “my story with God” limb which enables me to share with whoever wants to read my life experience but, more so, with God. I have my music video making channel on Youtube which enables me to post Christian songs I love but are not found on Youtube. I, too, need to share with the world God’s songs. Some of my less-used limbs involves my commenting on Yahoo! News. I want to share with the world what Jesus would do and to help change other people’s opinions not just about the revelent topic, but also about God, and to be a voice of wisdom and of truth. I also have a limb that enables me to help people on Yahoo! Answers. I read questions and the user’s answers and I’m disappointed how so many of them lack God’s wisdom and are even destructive. I choose to answer their questions with love and concern.

Oh and my computer got hacked. So many things happened during the last two weeks that could of made me easily want to give up: My guitar broke, I lost all my personal files (the windows backup I did did not contain the files I truly want), I cracked my toenail while playing soccer last Thursday and over-extended my foot ligaments. But, I don’t know. In a way, my sky is falling, but in another way, I somehow find the strength to continue. I find the answers in God alone.

It’s ok if I lost all my personal files. Just give me my basal needs and my Bible. That’s all I need in this world. It’s okay if my guitar broke. I have other worlds to sing in. I can focus my effort on doing other productive work I never had time to or thought of like making Christian music videos, or helping people through Yahoo!. It’s okay if my feet is injured. My toe-nail managed to fuse and I’m healing without pain. My ligaments, although it hurts, is not severe. Plus, I get a break from excruciating regular PT. I dislike regular PT now because it is so hard. And it’s okay I have this CQ shift because I will then have a four-day weekend! I just have to get through the last 13 hours….

I need to spend time with God more. I need to do more prayer walks. I really want to buy a acrostic guitar so I can sing and smile and walk.. and pray.

I’m making good progress on my educational front. I was able to update my home college through the Army education center and I got most paperwork done. I’m planning to take Spring semester at EPCC (El Paso Community College) and work on my associates in Social Work and then transfer to UTEP for my bachelors.

Oh, and another thing. Today, a few of our battery NCO’s came and one of them began to talk about making web apps for mobile phones. While they were talking about it, I remembered my desire to make an improved version of Spiritual Warfare, a Nintendo game. I began to share my idea to him and while I was still speaking, he told me to hush and then told all two sergeants to listen. I repeated my idea to them.

It’s kind of hard for me to explain on writing but I’ll do my best. In essence, it’s kind of like a Legends of Zelda game but instead of throwing swords, you throw fruits, spiritual fruits at unbelievers. Each fruit is like a weapon and it represents different things. An apple symbolizes patience. It travels in a straight line, far range, and travels slowly. A banana represents faith and it has long range, travels straight, and goes very fast. Each time a fruit hits an unbeliever, he “converts” and you get points. He may also drop money, but in this game, it is called “faith.” You save up faith points to buy more and better fruits and also items. There is also kind of like a world map. You start off in a relatively tame area, the park, and you work your way into the city, then the slums, then the jails, and then Satan’s stronghold. Each key area offers an Armor of God piece. In the park, for example, you pick up the Belt of Truth which enables you to move boulders. You move that boulder to get into the city. Each armor piece has a special function. That is Spiritual Warfare, the Christian computer game I loved and played long ago.

In addition, I want to add a “talent” tree, like an RPG game. The name of each talent would be from the fruits of the spirit. There will be a spiritual gift of “patience” or “love” or “faith,” etc. Each talent would help the character in that area. And instead of a one-hit KO on unbelievers, they would have different hit points and it would take multiple fruit hits to win them over. It’s going to be so fun! All I need is someone who’s good a graphic design, and someone who can program in flash.

My sergeant from my battery told me if the game developer likes the idea, he/she may do it for free. Of course I would split the profit from the game with him (from ads), but the game must be free so everyone can play it. I want everyone to be a Christian soldier!

Gosh, I hate CQ. It would be impossible for me to write for the next 12 hours. If I am able to write this long, this blog would be more like a book! Lol.

Again, in the Army, everyday is hard. I can’t wait to get out of the Army. I have just 6 months to go but those 6 months feels like eternity. I’m not sure if civilian life would be just as hard as the Army although I hope not. In a way, I may be able to treat my experience in the Army as basic training for civilian life. Maybe God is preparing me in the Army so I can follow His will when I become a civilian.

I can’t wait! I will use my post-9/11 GI-Bill and get my tuition, hosing, and basic needs taken care of. I may even have my room for myself! It would be freedom; I would be truly free. No more formations, 24-hour guard shifts, feeling like I’m wasting my life going to work (I’m only going to work just to get paid..), and having to deal with people who think they are better just because they served more time in the Army (rank). In the civilian world, there will just be Mr. and Mrs. and maybe a few Dr.’s but that’s alright. They earned it.

Okay, I’m done writing for now and God bless!

Okay, I’m actually not done yet. I just remembered something important I want write. In almost all Army units, down to the battery level, there is sign that counts how many days since a alcohol-related incident has occurred. Units with more than 90 days gets a saber award on their guide-on (banner). I’m thinking to apply that military concept into my own life. Just instead of drinking alcohol, because I don’t drink, it would be how many days since I last checked pornography. That is an issue I struggle with. And it has hurt me tremendously. Only the One who is able was able to lift me out of the mire. It would be embarrassing to display it publicly but I may decide to for accountability reasons.

And speaking about how my computer got hacked because I opened a scam “UPS package” e-mail, it made me wonder about my spiritual life. How many times has Satan “hacked” my life? For computers, it’s e-mails, malicious programs, spywares, etc, but for humans, it’s temptations. Temptations to do it my way instead of God’s way. How many times have I let viruses, spyware, and trojans of the heart into my life? I do have an anti-virus program and, luckily, I have the only one that truly works because it is “sharper than a double-edged sword” (Hebrews 4:12). I must increase my spiritual firewall by being like Joseph and flee from sin. I must increase my scanning capabilities by increasing my wisdom through the Word of God. I must increase my spiritual protection by spending more time with God.

This hacking incident may actually be a blessing. Thanks to this incident, I am actually organizing and taking care of my computers. It woke me up and helped me to re-prioritize my time to God. It helped me change my small notebook laptop (the one I’m typing now) to Linux, which so far, is superior to Windows. It helped remind me, thanks to last Sunday’s sermon, to build God’s house first before building mine. The first files I’m going to organize is not my pictures or discoveries but His music. I will finish building God’s house in my computer before focusing my attention to building mine.

Okay. Now I’m officially done. May the blessing of God be upon you.

1/23/2011: Better than them

1/23/2011: Better than them

S: 7:47pm

E: 8:33pm

I don’t know how to start this. People read what I write and people are concerned about first impressions. It’s like I know what to write but I don’t know how to disseminate the information. This is the gift of a teacher. A teacher knows stuff but he or she has to find a way to share the information so everyone else can understand as good as the teacher. Just as I’m trying to think how my former students think and process learning information, I’m trying to think of how to approach this. I’m glad when we go to heaven, time will not be a matter, so therefore, first impressions will not matter. I can spend infinity and infinity with everybody.

I just found out what an evil and wicked person I am. Of course I know that I’m evil and everyone is evil because we are born in sin, but I am just beginning to realize the extent of my sin and uncleanness. Knowing God is not a substitute for following God. I found this out the hard way. I can read so much about God, read the Bible, pray, love, etc, etc, but if I don’t follow Him, everything will go haywire. That no matter how much we know about God, we still cannot live righteously. The way to live righteously is to pick up our cross and follow God (Matthew 10:38). Knowledge about God cannot change sinful human nature.

This is where I failed yesterday. After a frustrating day of work, I came to my room and I’m glad I can finally detress and unwind with Sunday, a free day, ahead of me. There was nobody in our tent. I laid down on my bed and temptations came to me. This is your chance, my mind told me, there is nobody here. Nobody will know. I was tempted to check pornography. But then, I remembered what I wrote yesterday about the dangers of unwinding in God or in the world. I got up my bed and decided to write a discovery about my hardship when I was trying to sleep (but can’t) on Friday night and what I learned.

After writing about half-way, I had a need to use the latrine, so I went, took a dump, and came back. However, when I came back, my flesh won over. I thought screw it, I’m just going to check and relieve myself really quick. Nobody will know. Well, God will know, but He will be the judge. I have to; I can’t help myself. So I got out of bed, closed my half-written discovery without saving, and checked porn. Granted, I had a good time but I knew that short-term gain is not worth long-term pain. After that incident, my morals went downhill. I played computer games. Adult Japanese computer games. I did not eat dinner that night because I feel so afraid. Just as Adam hid in the bush after eating the forbidden fruit, I want to hide in my room and enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. And that vicious cycle went on until today. When I realized that I’m not as good as a person I think I am.

I look at my battle buddies, fellow soldiers and they talk about sin openly. They talk about sex, girls, hate, they spread gossip, etc. They spend a lot of their time watching racy movies, some even porn movies. I know soldiers who have gigabytes of porn. I can’t believe it. They live on what feels good. I shun their behavior. I try to avoid them. I try to help them. But then, half an hour before I started writing this discovery, a realization came to my mind: That I am just as sinful, if not more sinful then they. The only thing that separates me from them is that I try to do good, that I try to follow God, that I have organized resistance against evil. I look at them and I’m glad I know and love God, that I’m not a “sinner or tax collector” (Matthew 9:11).

Matthew 9:10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples.

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:9-14)

So many times, I know I’m an evil person, I know that I sin (specifically, fall into temptation) all the time but at least I’m not that bad as them. I don’t talk about evil (much), I don’t watch porn movies, I don’t do these nasty things, but yet, I do them in the safety of my own room. I’m being like a Pharisee, too. I don’t’ do these evil things openly and I disapprove those who do and I try to help and pray for them, but yet, I myself do those things secretly. I heard from the Barnes Poll that a third of pastors check porn at least once a month. That’s shocking. Today, I discovered that knowing about God and experiencing Him is no substitute for following Him. I can know God, I can praise and say He has done wonderful things for me, but yet, if I chose not to follow Him, I am no better than a sinful and evil man. If I don’t follow God, I am no better than people living in the days of Noah.

And this is one reason why I’m so afraid and ashamed to be out with people. Because I feel so guilty and ashamed of my sins. Because I feel such a hypocrite.

Proverbs 28:1 The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

After sinning against God, there are times when I want to “flee from his presence” (Psalm 139:6), yet, as the Psalmist wrote, no matter where I go, God will still be there. I cannot run, I cannot hide, I can only repent.

12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

10/4/09

10/4/09

S: 7:53pm
E: 7:58pm

Sigh. I am just so weak. I was about to check porn and I’m praying to God to help me. Just then, my room mate entered the room. So close. He (Jesus) saved me. Then, I decided to play Noctonial Illusions, a adult hentai game. After a short while, Milisia from church called me to check on how I’m doing. You know, my excuse for checking porn at that time was because I was stressed out and I don’t have a girlfriend yet. I hate myself, forgive me God. Thank you for saving me. My excuse for playing that Noctonial Illusions was because I wanted some fun. I want to have fun, I’m so bored. I don’t want to read the Bible or learn about God becasue I’m just too bored and too stressed out. What? Worsipping God shouldn’t be a stressful event, it should be freedom, for it is in Christ that sets me free. Forgive me God.

S: 8:28pm
E: 8:32pm

It is when I’m weak when I’m attacked. I don’t understand. Praise God, I was still able to hold my ground. I wasn’t able to attack effectively though, due to my sins and my failing for tempation. Forgive me God. As a Christian, I need to be battle-ready at ALL times. I cannot let down my guard, I cannot willfully sin. I’m so stupid, so weak. Lord, help me and forgive me. Your ways are higher than mine. Your thoughts are higher than mine. Help me God, protect me and watch over me. My father and mother may forsake me, but the Lord will receive me. It doesn’t matter what I do, what matters is that I trust in God.

9/27/2009

9/27/2009

S: 2100
E: 2132

Wow, Ray just gave me a good perspective. Doing my best isn’t enough. Trusting and following God is.

“Even if you could do far better than you are doing now, you still can’t do well enough because you don’t please God by being good (Gal. 2:21), but by trusting Jesus (John 1:12).”

It is not by works, not by yourself that you can go to heaven, but by trusting and having faith in Jesus.

Lord, forgive me sins. I wasted my weekend playing games and checking porn. I blew it again. I messed up again. I justified to myself that it is becasue I have no friends, no one who loves me, to help me and prevent me from sinning against you. I look at everyone else and they all seem so prosperous and well-off. They have so many friends, and they also have their soulmates. But not me. It seems like everyone except me, so I justified to myself that I’m just born this way. Look at my past, and see how anti-social my past is. But still, you will still give me my daily bread. Lord, forgive me and how me to joyfully worship you again everyday.