8/7/2013: Forgive and Forget / War Games

8/7/2013: Forgive and Forget / War Games

S: 10:13pm
E: 10:40pm

I will try, as Anna told me, to let God fight my battles instead of me fighting “with God” because I fail a lot. :(

I have been playing a game on Kongregate called “Battle Conquest.” It is a strategy game about good and evil. I’m hooked on those kinds of games. I have been talking to a player named “Joyce” and we were discussing about the guild wars that are going on.

In that game, players can not only fight for the light side (or dark), but can also fight for their respective guilds. The guild war that is going on right now is dividing our faction and interfering with our ability to fight against darkness. At the very end of a battle I typed “We should forgive and forget.” Joyce, who was fighting with me in that battle, sent me a message. What I want share is her last point:

“4) Forgiveness is an act of grace; takes people a while to learn grace in life.”

How true is her point. Part of the reason we are fighting guild vs. guild is because many of them have not experienced grace. I reply to her “God gave me grace and He helped me to forgive.” It’s not just because many of them have not reached stage six of Kohlberg’s Theory of Moral Development.

I made an observation yesterday about this infighting. In that game, it is guild vs. guild, but in this real world, it is nation vs. nation, kingdom against kingdom. Jesus said, “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom” (Matthew 24:7). However, like in the world of Battle Conquest, this world also has an ultimate war, a war of good and evil. I ended my message with:

“Personally, I want to be above all that. I’m not really loyal to one country. Loyal to an extent, yes, but I’m more loyal to the ‘good’ side in this game or the ‘father of lights’ in this world. I wish people can grow up more and realize there is a greater war than guild vs. guild or nation vs. nation.”

The ultimate purpose of Satan regarding mankind is to destroy it. He tried to kill Adam and Eve many times in the Book of Adam and Eve. What better way to destroy mankind than to pit man against man? With unjust war, we are destroying ourselves and fulfilling Satan’s wish. There is an ultimate world, an unseen world, a world of good and evil and that is the battlefront we must all fight in.

11/5/2012: Peace

11/5/2012: Peace

{S: 8:58pm}  I want to write but I don’t want to spend too much time writing.  Once my time is up, I will stop writing abruptly.

If stuttering is my outside problem, then lack of peace is my inner problem.  I worry so much, I get so nervous that sometimes I have trouble speaking.  I think aside from that, something is wrong with my Boca’s area (an area in the brain).  I started stuttering when I reached puberty.  Watchman Nee, a great evangelist in China, wrote that every physical problem also has its roots in a spiritual problem.  If leprosy is Naaman’s physical problem (2 Kings 5:10-5), then pride is his spiritual problem.

I didn’t want to go to church yesterday.  On Saturday, I was thinking under what conditions will I be able to go to church.  I didn’t want to go because I feel some of its members don’t want me there and because I feel powerless to change things.  Then I thought about bringing my cross.  The big wooden cross from Kuwait.

In the Army, the rifle is probably the most important piece of equipment a soldier can have.  I remember in basic training, sometimes I sleep with my rifle because I heard rumors that the drill sergeants stealthily steal the soldier’s weapon and then punish him for it.  Anywhere we soldiers go, our rifle goes with us.  Likewise, the reason why I go to church is because of Jesus, is because of the cross.  What comforted me and stilled my inner conflict is the idea of bringing my cross to church and treating it like my rifle.  If I am somehow too afraid to carry out this plan, my escape plan is to wear my green cross necklace which I also got from Kuwait and wearing it around my neck so people can see.  I want people and also myself to see that the reason why I come to church is because of Jesus.  If they ignore or ostracize me, I can always hug my cross like a doll.

Then, I thought of a better plan.  I can live my life with peace, peace that this world cannot give but only Jesus can give (John 14:27).  I realized that I don’t have peace, and thus, faith.  I worry too much, I always think I have to fight; to be an activist, that if I don’t fight or am passive, then things will change for the worse.  To be sure, as Christians, we do need to fight, but we fight under Christ’s orders.  God always knows everything and everything is under His control.  I will fight, but I need to fight with peace inside, knowing that our times and this world are in God’s hands.

As I am applying this concept in my life: that I shouldn’t worry so much because my times are in God’s hands (Psalms 31:15), I began to feel more carefree and relaxed.  I tell myself to speak slowly because then I will have more peace.  I don’t look at every little detail anymore because I will have more peace.  God already knows.  I focus on what is in my power and what I can control and change instead of worrying about everything because I will have more peace because God is in control.  I know that if I die, I still have eternal life.  {E: 9:50pm}

“乃縵啊, 乃縵, 如果大麻風是你身上的病, 那驕傲就是你心裡的病” (以利沙-睡夢鄉).

10/23/2012: A Rainbow in my Room

10/23/2012: A Rainbow in my Room / My Political Party

{S: 10:43pm}  It is late now and I ought to sleep because I have early morning classes tomorrow.  However, I know that once an idea comes to a person, it will leave unless I act on it promptly.  I remember there are times in my past when I thought of an idea or an urge or a clarity, and I chose to procrastinate it.  Well, that urge or idea left me and I lost a wonderful piece of writing that I could have written.

How can I start?  Writing about politics is like walking on fire, no, I mean walking in-between fires.  It is very dangerous.  But I saw several postings my fellow friends on Facebook wrote and it gave me a passion to respond.  I want to write this to the best of my Biblical knowledge and to the best of my perception of God though my Holy Spirit.

I have a rainbow in my room.  No, it doesn’t mean I support gay rights; rather, it is a reminder of God’s promise.  A promise that God will not destroy the earth by flood again, and looking deeper, a promise that He will “[show] love to a thousand generations of those who love [Him] and keep [His] commandments” (Exodus 20:6).

Instead of arguing which political party is better, I want to start by defining, to my best knowledge of God, the perfect political party, and thus, the perfect government.

Micah 6:8  He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Matthew 23:23  “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.”

First of all, I want a government who is humble, a government who loves justice and mercy.

Isaiah 1:17  learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.

Isaiah 58:6  “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?”

The political party I would support is the party that helps the poor and the oppressed; a party that wants to help all who are hungry, homeless, and those who have nothing.

Matthew 6:24  “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.”

Amos 8:4  Hear this, you who trample the needy and do away with the poor of the land,
saying, “When will the New Moon be over that we may sell grain, and the Sabbath be ended that we may market wheat?”— skimping the measure, boosting the price and cheating with dishonest scales,
buying the poor with silver and the needy for a pair of sandals, selling even the sweepings with the wheat.

A party that doesn’t focus on money but on God and on people.

Micah 4:3  He will judge between many peoples and will settle disputes for strong nations far and wide. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore.
Every man will sit under his own vine and under his own fig tree, and no one will make them afraid, for the LORD Almighty has spoken.

And a party that stands for peace, not war.

Now which political party best represents what I have described?  I believe it would be the Democratic Party.

It was FDR who made a major dent in ending the Great Depression.  It was him, a democrat, who started much of the social programs such as Social Security, Medicare, and he set minimum wage standards that improved the standard of living for all Americans.  It was the Democrats that gave women the right to vote.  It was the Democrats who spearheaded the Civil Rights Movement and to quote Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. which he quoted from the Bible, “let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream” (Amos 5:23).

It was the Democrats who opposed unregulated capitalism and sought to break up monopolies and strengthen unions to increase the power of the working class.

Some may disagree that government should be the vehicle to regulate wealth.  If they do, look at the Gilded Age in the 1900s before the Great Depression.  The vast majority of Americans had a living little better than at the sustenance level.  Many lived in tenements, struggling to survive.  There was a prevailing belief in Social Darwinism.  Human nature had their chance.  The rich and powerful want to keep their wealth and made wage-slaves of them.  It was the Gilded Age for the 1%.

Left by themselves, human beings will not give and share what they have with others.  Part of the reason why the Great Depression started is because of an unequal distribution of wealth.  The rich hoard all the money; there was few people who can afford to buy the goods made by them.  Now, before I continue, this doesn’t mean I support communism, where everyone gets the same reward regardless of what they do.  No, the one who works hard with the ten talents should get another ten, but anyone who works hard should have at least a decent standard of living.

So, for this 2012 election, my vote is for Obama, although not wholeheartedly because “the high places.. were not removed” (2 Kings 12:3).  They support abortion and gay-rights.

No [human] government, no political party, is perfect because they are administered by sinful men.  However, there is a new Government, a new political party that is coming.  It will not be the Pharisees or the Sadducees but it will be led by Jesus Christ and the “government will be on his shoulders.”

Isaiah 9:6  For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.

{E: 12:39am}

8/15/2012: Room Decoration

8/15/2012: Room Decoration

{S: 8:57am} In my past rooms, such as my barracks room in the Army and my current room which I am leaving soon, I would put pictures I love and care about around the walls.  To copy from the Army, they have a “Chain of Command” board in almost every military building.  In each Chain of Command board, it would show people who are important to this military unit where the building is, starting from the top, who is President Obama, to the bottom, who is the first sergeant of the company or battery.  I would be forced to remember their names, such as “Who is your brigade commander?” Or “Who is the CSM of FORCOM?”, people who are unimportant to me but I will be punished if I don’t remember their names.  A year ago, I decided to take this concept into my own life and I posted pictures of people I care about and love so I can remember them, and if necessary, pray for them.  They would be almost exclusively from my Christian family.  The pictures are in black-and-while because it saves money on printer ink and also because I just want to recognize them; it doesn’t have to be showy.

However, I have been told that it makes the people on the pictures uncomfortable and it scares them.  So, this is how I’m going to decorate my new room..  Instead of people, I will be putting angels and cherubs.  People, including me, are sinful and they judge too much.  Instead, I will aim for perfection.  I will put angels and cute cherubs.  They will be at the sky level.  At the ground level, I’ll put trees and flowers, the wonderful world God has made, and, at the ceiling, I may put the stars.  Maybe human painters depicted angels as children because in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we have to be like a little child (Luke 18:17).

I also thought about this idea when, yesterday, Susan came to Michelle’s house and talked about interior design.  I think she told me Josh would make his own tree out of scrap material and put glow-in-the dark stars at the ceiling to imitate a night sky.  I remembered when I was deployed in Kuwait, I brought star stickers and placed them at the ceiling to try to imitate a starry night.  However, I didn’t decorate my room a lot because I’m afraid what other soldiers would think and I’m afraid of the Army regulations.

But now, I can be myself and decorate my room to create a little place of peace in the midst of chaos.  {E: 9:44am}



S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.



S: 10:31
E: 10:46

I hate myself in these moments. It seems everything I do without God, is an embrassment. Today, eating breakfast at the DFAC, I talked to an aquienance. He talked about how he’s being moved to Korea and how he won’t be able to take leave. The conversation quicked moved to military actions on N. Korea. He wanted some action, some kind of conflict, I think, because he want’s it to be intresting, to be fun. I just passively listened and then said something netural like, “Yes, 5 carrier fleets, could cause a fireball on N. Korea.” I also added my input, saying I prefer the conflict to be solved peacefully, or we should just target their leadership. But the point is this: During the conversation, I forgot about God. I probably thought about it once, but I decided to repress it because I was afraid of his reactions. He also asked where I came from, and I told him from Los Angeles country. I then added that my parents were from Taiwan. My dad’s side of the family fled to Taiwan during the Chinese Civil War.

I guess its okay for me to be open, but I must do it with the Lord. The conversation did not please God for who am I to say such things, or to judge? I should have talked to him about the ultimate solution, which is we should do things “Hisway (I am wearing a Christian T-shirt).” Subway, Hisway lol. To do things his way, we need to realize that the help of man is worthless, that we need to seek the Lord’s guidence on such matters, that we need to, more importantly, have our nation turn to God and repent. There’s nothing man can do to bring lasting peace on Earth, only Jesus can, and he is coming back.

“I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies… (Psalm 44:6-7a).”