8/1/2013: My Story with God

8/1/2013: My Story with God

S: 12:42am
E: 2:12am

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Today, I decided to read a few of my “subscriptions” which includes, cutefully, “Little Notes,” “Little Reflections,” and “The Trees will Clap.” I named my blog “Little Dream” because that is the original name for this blog. I have a dream, a little dream for this world.

I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow is the last day of class! I did not do my best in the class because I’m depressed, but I did fight every battle. I told myself that I don’t care if my work is horrible, what matters is I’m going to give every required assignment a try.

What I want to write is why I’m not going to church anymore. It pains me. I love my church, I love God, I love my youth group, but I have at least three reasons why I’m going to go home.

First, and in no particular order, if I cannot love my church fully, I would rather not love them at all. I know that if I love them fully, I will be rejected, or so my intelligence says. Being able to love them only a little bit, having limits to my love would induce suffering for me. I have like a “all-or-nothing” or “go big or go home” mentality. When I was still going to church, I had great plans. I want to eat with my youth group, talk to them, share with them, but I wasn’t able to. They were not receptive. It hurts me that I can only do so little. If I cannot reach my full potential, I would rather go somewhere else where I can. I know recently, my youth group is having weekly fellowship but I feel, through the pain, that starting it now is too late.

Second, I did my “best with God and failed.” It’s one thing to do my best and fail. I can just talk to God for forgiveness and strength. It’s another to do my best while asking God and still fail. I feel horrible. I feel betrayed. I feel my current life is just too hard. Going to church, trying, makes my life harder. I would rather stay home and love God privately. I think of the song “Good-bye” sung by Emily Bond and it conveys how I feel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYWGYuypozU). Lord, I’ve been travelling for so long and seems like I’m always saying so long so long. My life before the Army was hard. Army life was hard. Post-army life is hard. I’m only able to be alive thanks to God but continuing on the fight is just so hard. Unlike most people, I am different. I suck in this world. I don’t want to go into the details of why. You can read my other blogs for that. :) But I try, sometimes I do my best to rectify my weaknesses, to little anvil. I am still weak, I still suck. But it’s okay. If life is too hard, if life is too difficult for me, I have an exit strategy.

Third, people don’t trust and love me completely. To give an example, I have been going to my church for more than two years and yet, despite my effort to love, I still feel like not everyone there loves me. Ok, I know not everyone has to love me, but I feel that people there could love me more. I feel they only love me because of what I can contribute. I do the church powerpoint and sometimes I wash dishes. They only love me because of that. And, they love selectively. There are church members who just don’t talk to me and, to me, seem like they are avoiding me. Yet, when I stopped going, then they start to text me or act concerned. I find it kind of funny at this hypocritical behavior. When I was with them, they normally don’t talk to me, but when I am gone, all of sudden, they miss me. Why don’t they talk to me when I was with them? I feel I am at least half-right to say that they only care about money. If I have money, then I would be courted. I know that people there will treat me differently. I am at least half-right because America is a capitalist society. Rights and freedoms, if they are given out, are doled to those in the upper socio-economic classes first. One reason why my dad is so critical of going to church is because of this reason. “Money cannot buy everything” but I feel like, with wisdom, money could buy everything. Heck, in the Bible, we can use our wealth to gain treasures in heaven (Luke 16:9). So, I’m not going to church again until my annual income is at least $40,000. $50,000 would be better. Then people will respect me. Then people will love me. If I can’t reach it without the former, then I’ll leave this world because life will be too hard. [added later] And to add, I my church cannot help me completely. If I were to tell them all my issues and problems, they would probably reject me. They won’t be able to help me. I know this based on my experience with my church. I remember a time when a homeless woman came to our church. She lugged around a small red wagon with her “stuff” which are in suitcases. I chose to love her and to welcome her because I felt that is the right thing to do and I have a heart of love. During lunch that week, I did not sit with my youth group nor with church adults, but I sat with her and listened. I was the only one who sat next her. This is the kind of unconditional love I want from people. I remember Marisa and how she would greet and love people who are new. Unforuntantly, my love was not perfect. Part of me wished I didn’t get so involved with her because I saw her as a burden. Luckily, that week was my last week before going to LA to visit my dad. I told her that and said she will see me again in two months if she comes back to our church.

Some people may read this and call me “weak.” But, I challenge you that if you were in my shoes and if you were to experience what I have to endure, most will have probably given up long ago. In basic training, I was telling a soldier in public about very special problems and he told me to curse God. “[Your] Life sucks,” he said, “Why are you even being with God?” He told me he wouldn’t live my life. I have to concede though. I am not as strong as those people who live on the streets. If I have to live on the streets, if I have to endure those conditions, then I would rather die. Life would be pain and hell. When I pass by them begging on the streets I think about their inner strength. What gives them strength? How do they endure this? Why don’t they just die and be at peace? God will be the judge.

So these days, I am relaxing and doing what I want. I am trying to do what makes me happy. I am playing computer games and fulfilling my desires. But, I know it is second-rate. However, it is the best way that I can think of. I don’t want to try in something that will bring me pain. I don’t want to try in something that I can’t succeed in. I want to succeed in that. I want to be with my church but I can’t and therefore don’t want to because I already tried my best with God and failed. If I cannot be completely loving and caring, then I will be completely aloof. I will be distant and business-like. Because to be in the middle will bring me pain.

So, I am still going to continue in my Social Work program because I already made that choice. Whether I succeed or not, I don’t care. I’m just going to do my best because that is a battle I have to fight. If my best is not enough, then I have other plans.

I remember that many times, in the Army, I have come this point before, many times. But every time I’ve been here, God always finds a way to help me. I’m thinking this time, it may be different. But, it may not. I was going to give a testimony to my church and my introduction starts with this: “I told myself in the Army that I just want two things from God. For God to keep me alive and that I can always talk to Him anytime peacefully because I figured that if I can just talk to God, then I can have everything.” Maybe Satan won. Like in the Book of Adam and Eve, Satan buried the two figs that God gave them. Yet, God made changed those two figs into two fig trees. I am a child of Seth and even though, sadly, almost all of them went down to sin with the sons of Cain, I will still do my best to love God. It’s a tragedy. When they left the holy mountain to the sons of Cain, they could not go back up again. I wondered to myself what could they do to be saved? I am like one of them, a child of Seth, who went down to sin and darkness. But, instead of continuing in my sin like what the children of Seth did, I will separate myself from them and try to find others like me who want to seek God’s mercy again. Perhaps He will spare those children and maybe the Flood would not have happened.

It’s too late now, it’s too painful, I’ve tried (I think with God) and failed. I don’t want to go to church anymore until I have money because if I do, then people will respect and love me. I know this world is messed up. I can see it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it. Well, the only thing I think I can do, and the most important thing any Christian can do, is to pray. My whole life has been a failure and a story of God’s mercy on me. But it is too painful. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to say good-bye because I have been travelling for so long. To survive, I’m going to go back to my natural self, before the Army. I’m going to be super introverted and just seek God alone. I’m going to have a cold, distant shell to people because it will be too painful otherwise. I find joy in singing. I love to sing. I’m glad I have more than a thousand Christian songs in English, Chinese, and Spanish and when I sing those songs, I find joy, I find happiness, I find hope. So when I feel alone, I would sing. It’s too painful to go back, it’s too painful to try again. Partly it’s my fault and partly it’s their fault.

But I will try to continue to write my discoveries. I did that before the Army, too. My story will always be my “story with God.”

9/30/2012: The Pain of Writing

9/30/2012: The Pain of Writing

{S: 4:54pm} Whether I feel like writing or not, I should at least write one discovery a week.  Not only can it keep my life up-to-date but it can also maintain my writing skill.  How am I able to read and write proficiently and to articulate my thoughts clearly?  It is mostly because I chose to write my discoveries.  I believe keeping a journal is a great way to improve one’s English skills and to help that person “know thyself” more.  Personal writing has a double benefit.

These days, and I hope for as long as it is needed, I am helping my friend Danny on many things.  One of the things he needs to improve on is his English, specifically reading and writing.  And one of the ways that helped me is keeping a diary.  I would also recommend and encourage Danny to write an entry at least once a week.  No, he doesn’t have to publish it like I do but I want him to publish it for himself; I want him to save his personal entries.

Sometimes, writing is painful.  Even if I want to write, I have to endure the pain of clearly expressing my thoughts on paper.  Like most people, I would rather read than write; to receive than give; and to enjoy rather than to create.  But, without the former, there will be no latter.  The times I chose to write are either because I am forced to write, like for my English class last semester, or because my desire to write overcomes my inertia not to.  But, even if I want to write or not, I should still at least write one entry once a week.  I’ll be a weekly newspaper :)

{E: 5:12pm}

1/25/2011: The Biblical Standard for Suffering

1/25/2011: The Biblical Standard for Suffering

S: 11:38pm

E: 1:56pm

Due to my lack of preparedness on January 23, I was unprepared for guard. I woke up with just barely enough time to eat beef sausage and bread, pack necessary items, do some hygiene, dress up, and leave. I planned to wake up with barely enough time because I slept late last night so I needed as much rest as I can get before I start my 24-hour guard duty.

I then found out that today, is the last day that 3-43 has guard and it has to be me! Someone else came to us believing he had guard but according to our roster, he didn’t. I considered offering to pay him for taking my shift but the soldiers around me convinced me not to. I’m on the roster and it’s our last guard shift.

It’s not just the physical side that is hard, but the emotional and spiritual side as well. Throughout the day I was tired and I tried to take bits of rest by closing my eyes. One of the soldiers, V, would always harass me by jumping to conclusions. After living with him for almost a year, I can see that he is prideful, arrogant, but also has a good heart and intentions.

He would say, “Wake up, Yeh!” when I wasn’t really sleeping. My eyes were half-closed. I don’t like how he jumps to conclusions without knowing everything. I don’t like how he judges people, not just me but everybody else, based on the limited knowledge he knows. God knows everything; let God be the Judge.

Throughout the day, he would accuse me by making assumptions without looking at the whole evidence. When they were talking questionable sexual things in the evening, V would say, “Earmuffs Yeh!” “I don’t want to damage your innocence!” He assumes I can’t handle what they are talking about but I can. I’ve listened and interacted to their racy conversations many times while also trusting in God. There are also other times, but I forgot. He would say things to provoke me (by making untrue assumptions) and force me to defend myself. After a whole, angered, I would say, “Let God be the Judge.” I told V that he doesn’t know everything, that his accusations are not true or lack other major elements. Once when he was walking outside while opening the gate, I told him privately, “V, you need to stop trusting in yourself and start trusting in God.” I can see from almost a year’s experience that he always trusts in himself and his own strength. I was a bit afraid to tell him that but I’m trying to help him and if me saying this can change him for the better in the future, it will be worth it. He looked at me surprised and replied, “Yeh, I cannot trust in God. I have to trust in myself. If I rely on God, he’s not going to help me all the time.” I think I told him that if he chose to follow Jesus, God will help him all the time.

All the judging and false accusations from my three battle buddies made me upset. When guarding the site (and the first time I actually have live weapons), I would not talk to them. I feel angry and upset and if I do try to defend myself, they will just twist my words and accuse me again. Wisdom came to me and I realized silence is the best answer. Every time they hurt me, I would angrily pray and ask God to judge them. I also asked Him to judge me too but reminding him that I want his mercy and love rather than his justice because “no one living is righteous before you” (Psalms 143:2).

Out of anguish, I would take my pocket Bible out and read the psalms and pray and sing regardless if other soldiers noticing me. I remember a quote from C.S. Lewis saying, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

That is so true. I find that I seek God the most when I’m in pain or when life is hard. I prayed and asked God that if that’s the case, then please make my life hard so I can be with You.

Eventually, my anger would subside and I would tactfully talk to them again, knowing that I need to be like Jesus.

A serious event happened later in the night. Since I was so tired, I slept, along with another soldier (who also didn’t sleep well last night). Midnight chow came and two of the soldiers, there were four of us total, went to eat chow, leaving just V and me. While looking for traffic, I accidently dosed off and a car came. V saw it and we quickly went outside to open the gate. When I came back in the guard shack, he was very upset at me. He told me that I should not be tired, that I have plenty of sleep (while he stayed up all night), and that if I’m tired I should take a walk or pour water on my face. He also made many accusations and judgments on me that are incomplete. When I tried to tell the “truth,” he accused me of making excuses. When I told him that I really can’t stay up, that I’m really tired, he told me he doesn’t want to argue with me anymore. If I were to close my eyes again, he would force me outside the shack. I said I too, agreed with him that I don’t want to argue or make excuses. I just want to put out the truth. The truth is, I can walk outside and stay up if I have to, but the limits of my endurance have been reached. I refuse to suffer anymore. I already suffered so much physically (doing guard), emotionally (their verbal attacks and judging), and spiritually (constantly praying and asking God for help and vindication). I also told him that I’m stressed out because I have two jobs: being a soldier and serving God. He told me I need to meet the SOP (standard operating procedures) which states that I cannot sleep. I told him that the Bible is above the SOP, but the Bible does state to submit to authorities (Titus 3:1). I tried to tell him the truth. I sat back down and then went outside for some water.

Then suddenly, it hit me. I have been saying I’m sick and tired of suffering. That I hate how my life is so hard. Then I remembered what the Bible says about how much suffering is enough.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood (Hebrews 12:4  ).

I cried out to God and asked Him to forgive me. That is the Biblical standard for suffering. In my suffering, I haven’t even come close to shedding blood. I realized that I must be willing to endure and suffer so much more. I realized how weak I am. I must be willing to suffer for Jesus, not so I will lose my petty comfort, but to the point of losing blood. That is hard suffering and that is what the Bible teaches us to endure to.

I stayed outside and walked around, happy that I finally knew what the Biblical standards are. The humvee came back but I continue to stay outside. I washed my eyes with water because it was stinging me. Later, V told me to come back in but “stay awake.” I told him I prefer to be outside.

Oh, and for dinner, thanks to another soldier’s help, we got Chinese and Korean food! I got, along with my SOG (sergeant of the guard), kimchee and rice. The kimchee was very spicy, however, but I ate a lot of rice. Yummy!

After that awakening, that I need to adhere to the Biblical standard of suffering, the rest of the day improved. I did not try to find an easy way out, but I contributed and helped clean the guard area up. Today is the last day our battalion has guard duty. We have to make sure the area is presentable.

Everything went well until near the very end of our shift. That is my second serious incident. We (the guards) found out that 1-44, the battalion replacing us, were not informed of their guard duty. They were simply told they were shadowing us. That means there is a possibility that we have guard again, a 48-hour shift. All of us were upset. To make the long story short, the SOG for 1-44 decided to do the changeover (praise God) but we still had to wait for another sergeant from Echo company to be their shadow SOG. While we are waiting, I proposed many ideas. I said why not two of us take the bus and the other two take the humvee? I began to complain, internally. I thought about what to say to my relay sergeant. I need to prepare and know the approach and words so I might get tomorrow’s PT off. I really want free time. I wanted to scream, or just take off in the humvee because I was upset at our battalions lack of organization in this matter.

I also had a debate with P, another soldier and I did cry and show my tears because I wanted to change them for the better. But after much arguing, I realized what Watchman Nee wrote: “It is not a life changed but exchanged.” V and P were telling me that they believe I want everyone in this world to be like me. I told them, initially, sadly due to my defensive nature, that I didn’t. That everyone is created with an image of God and we need to “shine the light that God gave us.” I admitted, later, that I did act as if everyone should be like me and everyone else not like me is wrong, evil, etc. They accused of being a hypocrite and I did admit it. But, I told them that we all make mistakes, that we are all sinners, and that we all need Jesus.

I have been telling V throughout our guard shift that he needs to “change.” He needs to change his pride, arrogance, tenidency to judge, etc, but I realized all my efforts were in vain. Because they cannot change themselves. According to Watchman Nee, human beings cannot their evil human nature. In order to change a person, that person needs to be exchanged with Christ. I admitted my mistake to V and P and told them not to change, but to exchange your life with Jesus.

However, V told me if I am happy. After some thinking, I told them that I’m not happy (“not as happy as I should be” would be closer to the truth). Then V went on to say the reason why I’m not happy is because I’m too focused on God. That I need to put myself first (not God) and enjoy the pleasures of the world. Then, according to him, I will be happy.

Seeing these two soldiers having a serious discussion with me made me feel like I’m Christian in the Pilgrim’s Progress. I told V that I understand his viewpoint, but I feel the answer to happiness is not found there. The answer to happiness is found in letting Christ live instead of me.

Throughout the conversation, I kept mentioning Bible and they told me to stop mentioning it. Not everyone believes in the Bible, they told me. But I told them that the Bible is the bedrock of my life. P thinks the Bible is just a good teaching book, but it is more than that, it is a manual to life. That conversation eventually developed to me not using any spiritual arguments, that I can only make logical ones. That, I told them, is misleading. The human being is made up of the spirit, soul, and body. The spirit is above the soul, therefore, the spirit should be dominant. I told them there is an unseen world; a spiritual world, and that the Bible says the unseen is greater than the seen. V and P asked me again and again do I love God more or my mom? I told them that I love God more because I must love God much more than I love my mom or dad or brothers and sisters (Matthew 10:31). They told me who help me more, God or my mom. They obviously wanted me to say “my mom,” but I told them that, ultimately, God helps me much more.

Lastly, we argued that if God is omnipotent, then does God know what choices we choose beforehand? I told P no because if he does know completely beforehand, then God will not be a good god but an evil one. If God knew Eve is going to be deceived in the Garden of Eden and all mankind will suffer the penalty for sin, He would not have created us. God gave us free will to chose whether to follow Him or not. Yes, God knows us much more than anybody else, even ourselves, but he doesn’t know 100% what our next actions will be. This is where P and me disagreed and I tried to find scriptural proof, but was mostly unable to.

Psalms 139:1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Genesis 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

God knows our potential and what we could be if we follow God to be used by Him, but to say that he always knows every action that we will perform ahead of time is untrue. If that is true, then God may not be a good God because then he knew all the evil and suffering that will come as a result. I need to continue to grow more in God and perhaps ask for some help to find out more. That is about the extent of our discussion. I then used the latrine again and decided to sleep inside the humvee.

As I was sitting in the humvee thinking about the conversation, and how angry I am about the guard changeover and what to do about it, another thought came in, from heaven, and it told me to “give it all to God.” In my first serious incident, I learned that I need to be able to suffer and endure more, to the point of shedding blood. However, in this second event, I realized that God is in control of everything, that there is nothing I can do to change it. I must trust in God and let Him be in control. Whatever happens, I must “give it all to God.” So I began to repeat “give it all to God” over and over in my mind. Slowly, I began to feel peace. I began to feel happy and at ease. God is in control of everything. Why am I worrying? Give it all to God. I fell into a peaceful sleep.

When I woke up, I knew that I’m still in the humvee, but I’m not upset because I already gave all my angry and bitter feelings to God. I find that once I give my hurt and negative feelings to God, I feel free. I used the latrine again and decided to listen to a 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) bedtime stories. I don’t know why, but I decided to listen to 好姊姊米利暗 (Good Miriam) because I felt Moses calling me. I closed my eyes and deeply listened to the children bedtime story. Listening to it made me so thankful of what God had given me. The narrator, Auntie Choi, began the story of Moses by saying the Israelites in Egypt were prosperous. Pharaoh was afraid that the Hebrew people might start an uprising so he subjected them to hard labor.

Exodus 1:10 Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more numerous and, if war breaks out, will join our enemies, fight against us and leave the country.”

11 So they put slave masters over them to oppress them with forced labor, and they built Pithom and Rameses as store cities for Pharaoh.

12 But the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and spread; so the Egyptians came to dread the Israelites

13 and worked them ruthlessly.

14 They made their lives bitter with hard labor in brick and mortar and with all kinds of work in the fields; in all their hard labor the Egyptians used them ruthlessly.

However, the more the Hebrews suffered, the more prosperous they became. Hearing that gave me encouragement. It is like a God-given answer to suffering. It teaches me not to be afraid, that God is in control, and that God can use my suffering to benefit me even more. I got to the part where the counselors advised Pharaoh to kill every male child. I can hear the babies’ crying and the mother’s screaming. It felt so real and I felt so sad.

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. –Jewish Proverb

Then, I saw my SOG and P come and say it’s time to go. Happily, I put away my mp3 player and started to leave.

I learned so much about suffering today. One, that I need to suffer to the Biblical standard which is to the point of shedding blood, and two, to “give it all to God.”

睡夢鄉- 39 好姊姊米利暗

 

Sing and Smile and Pray by Sofia Tsatalbasidis

 

Sing the clouds away,

Night will turn to day.

If you sing and sing and sing you’ll sing the clouds away.

 

Smile the clouds away,

Night will turn to day.

If you smile and smile and smile you’ll smile the clouds away.

 

Pray the clouds away,

Pray and pray and pray.

Night will turn to day,

No matter what they say.

 

Sing and smile and pray,

That’s the only way.

If you sing and smile and pray you’ll drive the clouds away.

 

Pray the clouds away,

Sing and smile and pray.

Night will turn to day,

No matter what they say.

 

Sing and smile and pray,

Night will turn to day.

If you sing and smile and pray you’ll drive the clouds away.

 

Sing_and_Smile_Sofia_Tsatalbasidis

2/26/2010: loneness, college, help my battle buddy, and, the girl I’m fighting for

2/26/2010: loneness, college, help my battle buddy, and, the girl I’m fighting for

Hello everyone!

First.. I feel.. so.. lonely. Although I don’t want to admit it, I want to find someone whom I can talk to about anything, but mainly about my thoughts and feelings. Praise God I have some free time. I spent most of it trying to learn Chinese, Arabic, and Hebrew. I want to learn the language of God’s people! It’s going to talk some time, but with faith, I will succeed.

Second thing, is about my college, Mid-America. My Old Testament class starts in 2 days, yet, I still can’t access my online course. I sent an e-mail to the college yesterday, but still have gotten no replies. I’m getting nervous. If I fail this class because I can’t access the course…. Wow, a Christian college is going to destroy my future.

I thought about this to myself: What is the point of getting a degree? If God is going to fill my mouth when I evangelize and preach, what is the point of an actual degree? Is it just for human eyes to see? Brother Yun said the Christians who underwent the hardships of prison already have a degree: a master degree in tribulation and suffering. Wow, that is the degree I want! But, it is too hard for me.

Third, one of my battle buddies is suffering from, I think, an emotional breakdown. He has been bedridden most of the time and hardly eats. He went to the TMC and they are still trying to find out what’s wrong. I have been talking to him about Jesus and Psalms and my experience in basic training, where I underwent intense suffering. Jesus is the master of suffering. He knows about suffering. It takes a master to be willing to die on the cross for sins he did not commit. Please pray for him for healing, for only Jesus can heal him. I have faith that if I pray continually, he will be healed.

Ok, I guess writing these notes makes me feel a lot less lonely. It hurts. Babies who are unloved dies, but I don’t want to go that far. Excuse me.

Oh and I am trying to keep in touch with the girl I love but she is still blocking me. It’s painful. I guess it is my mistake to sent couple pre-written letters (I was too afraid to send them), a semi-suicide note, and then some of my recent journal entries all at the same time. I took her out as a friend because I don’t want to sin, and she blocked me. So awful. So horrible. It looks like I will never get a good girlfriend. No, I need to trust in God. God knows everything about me and if he thinks its okay for me to have a wife, then he will, in due time. Wo you dun shen de shi jian biao [I need to wait for the Lord’s timing].

His thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9).

12/28/09: About Baptism

12/28/09: About Baptism

 

Another thing that concerns me is baptism. I would feel more comfortable if it was just Jesus, Pastor John, and me there. As private as possible because if it’s open, I’m afraid people would not attend it. I’m afraid people would judge me because so few of them would attend my baptism. That might reinforce the fact that I’m not popular, or socially adept. It might bring the “who cares about Steven” mentality.

No, the truth is, I feel hurt when I’m not treated equally as others. Only this time, it’s my fault since I was really introverted and closed to my church before I joined the Army. I don’t want to know the truth because the truth hurts. I already know I’m unpopular. I already know that nobody cares about me equally. It’s painful enough. I don’t want to see the consequences of it. There are times when I just want to give trying to be with people and kill myself since without others I cannot survive. I tried going alone in the Army and it nearly drove me crazy. I was on the verge of death until I decided to take the guts to reconnect with God’s family. I might as well know the truth before I die, but I was wrong. I received many e-mails from my church asking how I was doing. Then, when I made a facebook account, I was surprised at the results. I am a lot closer to reality now, and I know the truth. People treat me differently at church because I am still an outsider. And I probably always will be. It’s painful; another thorn I have to endure.

But then, there are many times I tell myself: who cares? The only person I need is Jesus. With God, all things are possible. I can go through life alone with Jesus. I tried it. I can’t. I still sin against God. I needed Christians to help me spiritually against the forces of darkness (esp. flesh).

This is why I’m thinking, forget it. I don’t need to be baptized here. There are too many social repercussions for me. It’s too painful. And even if the people treated me equally, I might not be able to stand it, since I wasn’t used to it. But then, life is all about stepping outside the comfort zone and trusting in God. I tell myself frequently that many times, I can’t do it, but I will do it anyways because I trust in God and God will take care of me. And yes, God did take care of me even though sometimes it was in the end.

Then, another issue is, am I ready to be baptized? God helped me so much in the Army, I cannot deny it. I can write stories after stories about what the Lord had done for me. But, I still sin against God. Many times, I still choose to follow the desires of my flesh instead of God. I would be in conflict and agony until I give up to my flesh. Then, I would be in agony again because of it. I continue to follow God, I continue to seek Him, because I need Him, and He created me. My spirit says yes, but my flesh says no.

Lastly, I”m still thinking whether to make facebook a picture of my Dorian Gray, but it could be too embarrassing for me.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.

9/24/09

9/24/09

S: 1730
E: 1734

I am totally at the Lord’s mercy now. My left hand hurts, and I am in pain. I am suffering and I.. am so alone. So isolated. Facebook does not help me. It seems like nothing can help me. Only God can help me. I am just going to pray and ask God for help. If life is too hard, I will just end my life, for my life is in God’s hands.

9-27-04?

{written diary}

9-27-04?

P {problem}: loner, bored, no one to talk to.  Feeling that no one loves me or cares about me.

S {solution}: Well, it is very painful.  I used to say to myself that I can’t take any pain.  The problem is that I can.  I can take the pain of lonelyess.  The pain of no one to love me.  The pain of hopenessless.  This pain is very painful, but I’m taking it everyday.  I can’t really trust people anymore.  I dream of being in a cool meadow with the sun shining down on my cheeks.  The air is cool and fresh.  A slight wind is blowing on my cheeks.  This wonderful feeling.  Me standing on green grass and beautiful flowers.  The dewdrops still on the flowers.  And I smell the red tulip.  It truely smelled like summers coming.  And in addition, the girl of my dreams, whos perfect for me is right beside me, holding her hands with me, loving me.  She satisfy me.  Her beautiful face and long hair flowing like the wind.  Such a wonderful feelings.  And then she and me ran together.  Like the wind itself, flying with me.  I am feeling pain right now.  I’m feeling lots of pain right now.  I want to disappear right now.  I want to give up right now.  I want ppl to ignore me right now.  I want to die right now.