8/23/2013

8/23/2013

S: 12:09pm

E: 12:50pm

[written]

I’m going to start writing hybrid discoveries.  Part will be on paper and part will be digital (typed).  Well, if my journal is too long (over a text message jk lol) then it will be typed.  That way, I can have the best of both worlds.

Yesterday night (or early morning), I texted Amy, my cousin I have been helping the following message, “Hello Amy.  I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help you.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I feel depressed and unloved.  Until I have a girlfriend (and I’m poor), I won’t be able to help you.  I’m sorry.  Good-bye.”

[typed]

I feel this is what I need to do.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to help people.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to do this, or that.  How can I help others if half of me is missing, or dead?  Without a girlfriend, I am paralyzed.  I can focus only on my survival, if I’m lucky.  Some people are able to live without a girlfriend but not me.  I tried so many times before and from  my past writings, I won’t make it without a girl who loves me.

I have God’s love and He keeps me alive; He keeps me singing.  But I won’t be able to flourish, to thrive, unless I have my lifelong companion.  So until I have a girlfriend, I won’t be able to help Amy.  I won’t be able to help my church or anyone.  I will only be able to help myself, if that.

I think I have a new philosophy on life.  It is to be happy.  It is different from hedisim because I also want to make other happy.  That is my secondary objective.  I think life is really all about being happy.  Happiness is what counts.  Everything else like studying, working, etc are but the means to achieve happiness.  As long as someone is happy, that is what counts.  Everything else is secondary.  Thus, the purpose in my life now is not really to make money or to do anything, but to be happy.  I want to do things that makes me happy.  There are different terms of happiness.  There are short-term and long-term happiness.  Going to school, making money, pleasing God, etc. are long-term happiness.  They bring happiness in the long-run.  Short-term happiness is what makes us happy right now.  Instant gratification.  If I eat ice-cream or play computer games or just do the things I want to do now, that will bring me happiness immediately.  For my life, I want a balance of long and short-term happiness.  Too much of one thing and my life won’t work.  Too much long-term and I’ll be mirisable.  Too much short and I’ll mortgage my future.  But, although my own happiness is my primary concern, I will not be happy at others expense.  I want to make others happy, too.  I think that is why I want to be a social worker.  To help people.  To help people be happy.

I know Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-13).  Paul learned the secret of how to be happy at all times.  He learned the secret of happiness.  But as Paul wrote elsewhere, he has been given the gift of celibacy and he wished everyone has been given this gift: “Yet I wish all of you were as I am.  But each of you has your own gift from God…” (1 Corinthians 7:7a).  Sadly, I don’t have his gift.

Ok, I am going to start making my breakfast, I mean lunch, and I think I am done writing this discovery.  I don’t know why I am still single.  I feel I have everything to have a mate.  I am willing to love her to death, to give her everything.  Anyone reading my earlier discoveries can see that.  Well, maybe at first it was lust, but as I matured, that lust also matured into love.

5/31/2012: How to Effectively Resist Covert Hypnosis

How to Effectively Resist Covert Hypnosis

Version 1.0: 5/31/2012

There is something I want, no, need, to write right now. I’m tired but I cannot rest until I largely finish writing this synopsis.

One great evil I found in this world is the ability of human beings to manipulate or control another. A chief culprit for this aim is covert hypnosis. I found this almost accidently. I love reading stories and one real story I read sparked my interest and made me realize how evil this is. I did some thinking and research on how to counter and fight against this veiled evil.

For starters, what is covert hypnosis? Regular hypnosis requires the subject’s permission to be controlled by the tester. In covert hypnosis, the tester can skillfully maulipulate the subject into being controlled without that person knowing it. There are many tricks that person can do and it is hard to detect it.

I looked for worldly solutions on the Internet to resist covert hypnosis, however, they all fall short. They require you to be aware but no one is perfect. A person cannot be aware 100% of the time or catch everything even if he or she is aware.

Let me get down to the bread and butter of my article. The only effective defense against covert hypnosis and hypnosis in general, since they target an individual’s free will, is to live in the Holy Spirit. People are susceptible to hypnosis because of a common denominator in all of us: sin. Since hypnosis targets an individual’s free will, which is part of the soul, the best way to fight it is to fight it from a higher level: Fight it from the spiritual plane.

Defense #1: God is all you need.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

Almost anywhere in media, for example, television commercials, use NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) to sell their product. They try to advertise to not really your conscious mind, but your sub-conscious and unconscious. The major obstacle for hypnosis is the superego, or the individual’s sense of right and wrong. Without a strong God-centered life, that individual is in danger of losing the superego. The superego without God and His Word is useless against hypnosis.

So, be wary of people trying to sell you something. Remember that God is all you really need. Buy only through the Holy Spirit and through God’s wisdom.

On the flip side, only God can satisfy your true desires. Avoid looking to people to satisfy them. Pray to God first, and if He says to go to this person or that person or do this that, then do it. The subject follows the hypnotist because that subject believes the only way to be satisfied is by following the hypnotist’s commands.

Maybe this is why the world hates Christians. They call us “fundamentalists” because we believe in an absolute right and wrong. We believe that the Bible is still relevant even though the times have changed because human nature doesn’t change. It won’t change until God gives us new bodies. They call us “stubborn” and for good cause. Maybe it is good to be stubborn for the right reason because they know that God is all we need. They can’t change us; they can’t influence us because we learned not to “trust in princes.. who cannot save” (Psalms 146:3).

Defense #2: Trust in God, not in man.

Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. Psalms 146:3

All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever. 1 Peter 1:24

Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than men!” Acts 5:29

A major part of hypnosis is the premise that the hypnotist is like “god.” In your sub-conscious state, you will follow and obey, I believe, everything that the hypnotist says. Don’t do that. Why would you brainlessly follow another person’s will? Don’t follow his will, follow God’s will.

The Bible teaches man is limited. He or she is prone to mistakes. Everyone has sinful desires that war against the soul (1 Peter 2:11). Don’t follow man, follow God.

To be clear, do listen to your brothers and sisters in Christ because they are part of your family: God’s family, however, make sure what they say is in agreement with God’s Word.

 

 

1/15/2011: The God Card

1/15/2011: The God Card

S: 8:02pm

E: 8:35pm

 

One thing I discovered after playing computer games all these years is that I am always trying to win. It’s frustrating to try to win. I devote so much time and energy to beat the game and the personal satisfaction I get is dulled by the realization that I just wasted so much time. I was playing Hearts of Iron II today under “Nationalist China.” The Japanese invaded, and since it was my first go (first time playing “Armageddon”), I made a few mistakes. The war against the Japanese was going back and forth, with me steadily losing. Finally, when I lost Hefei, I decided to give up. I lost. I quit the game and was about to continue with life’s business when I realized the power of God, that is, cheat codes. So, I went on online and, with cheats, was able to get all my lands back. After work, I decided to play anew, and this time, I did very well. I was able to hold onto all my lands and was even able to push the Japanese back. But then, I realized something.

Just as I am trying to “win,” just as people try to “win” in life, I realized that I don’t need to try anymore. I have God and with God loving me and watching me, that’s all I need. Okay, I’m tired right now and my head hurts, but I still feel hyper because I’m happy to know that I will win if I just trust in God. Just as I use cheat codes to win, or use “god-mode,” God will fulfill all my desires and give me everything I want if I only just pick up my cross and follow Him.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

Why should I play games anymore? Why should I try to win? I should let God try and win. If I just trust and follow God, I will win because God is God. He uses god-mode; He can “cheat (i.e. perform miracles)” in this world to help us. No wonder the Bible tells us not to worry about our clothes or food or shelter or things or what to say or about anything because God will take care of us. All we need is to endure and trust in God.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23).

I should not play computer games anymore because with God, I can always use “god-mode” and win the game. I remember before this incident, when I’m playing flash games or games that I know I’ll win, but it just takes time, I will just say, “Okay Steven, it’s time to play the ‘God Card.’ You already won.” I think of playing Magic the Gathering with my friends and playing the “God Card,” which is, needless to say, I win the game. With God, all things are possible. Next time, whether I’m playing a computer game or playing the game of life, I need to just follow His Word and trust in God because with God, He can always play the God Card.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27).

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy… (Psalms 30:11).

 

And many times, the reason why I play games is not because I want to win, but because I want a challenge. Well, the desire or need for a challenge stems from my soul, from my intellect. I cannot satisfy my soul, that is, my intellect, but I need to worship God through His spirit to my spirit. The spirit is above the soul; therefore, I need to focus on my spirit.

12/28/09: About Baptism

12/28/09: About Baptism

 

Another thing that concerns me is baptism. I would feel more comfortable if it was just Jesus, Pastor John, and me there. As private as possible because if it’s open, I’m afraid people would not attend it. I’m afraid people would judge me because so few of them would attend my baptism. That might reinforce the fact that I’m not popular, or socially adept. It might bring the “who cares about Steven” mentality.

No, the truth is, I feel hurt when I’m not treated equally as others. Only this time, it’s my fault since I was really introverted and closed to my church before I joined the Army. I don’t want to know the truth because the truth hurts. I already know I’m unpopular. I already know that nobody cares about me equally. It’s painful enough. I don’t want to see the consequences of it. There are times when I just want to give trying to be with people and kill myself since without others I cannot survive. I tried going alone in the Army and it nearly drove me crazy. I was on the verge of death until I decided to take the guts to reconnect with God’s family. I might as well know the truth before I die, but I was wrong. I received many e-mails from my church asking how I was doing. Then, when I made a facebook account, I was surprised at the results. I am a lot closer to reality now, and I know the truth. People treat me differently at church because I am still an outsider. And I probably always will be. It’s painful; another thorn I have to endure.

But then, there are many times I tell myself: who cares? The only person I need is Jesus. With God, all things are possible. I can go through life alone with Jesus. I tried it. I can’t. I still sin against God. I needed Christians to help me spiritually against the forces of darkness (esp. flesh).

This is why I’m thinking, forget it. I don’t need to be baptized here. There are too many social repercussions for me. It’s too painful. And even if the people treated me equally, I might not be able to stand it, since I wasn’t used to it. But then, life is all about stepping outside the comfort zone and trusting in God. I tell myself frequently that many times, I can’t do it, but I will do it anyways because I trust in God and God will take care of me. And yes, God did take care of me even though sometimes it was in the end.

Then, another issue is, am I ready to be baptized? God helped me so much in the Army, I cannot deny it. I can write stories after stories about what the Lord had done for me. But, I still sin against God. Many times, I still choose to follow the desires of my flesh instead of God. I would be in conflict and agony until I give up to my flesh. Then, I would be in agony again because of it. I continue to follow God, I continue to seek Him, because I need Him, and He created me. My spirit says yes, but my flesh says no.

Lastly, I”m still thinking whether to make facebook a picture of my Dorian Gray, but it could be too embarrassing for me.

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok, I have so many things to write about my life. Where should I start? Should I even start? Lol. I just called my mom in Taiwan about my heart of hearts and I’m glad I’m able to convey all my feelings and thoughts to her despite my fluent but limited Chinese. For one thing, it’s so hard to be perfect, to love and worship God, alone. I need a spiritual “battle buddy.” Sure, the Army provides me physically (food, water, shelter, etc) and my battle buddies in my barracks provide me physically but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. My dad also provides me physically, but that’s something I want to talk, I mean write, about later. I can’t be perfect with God alone. It’s too difficult. The Bible even says there is “none righteous, no, not one.” I need someone I can freely talk to, someone I can call, in case I get tempted, in case I get attacked by Satan. You can pretty much tell that I’m having trouble with God if I don’t update my facebook lol.

I don’t even know if I want to come back to Los Angeles during Christmas time anymore. I have nothing to look forward to over there. I don’t want to see my dad, and he has been calling me almost everyday. Of course I love my dad, but I hate the fact that he micromanages me to death. When I was 20, which is before I joined the Army, my dad has control over everything. I can’t drive my car, bike, go anywhere, or buy anything without consent from my dad. He even tries to control how much toilet paper I use. Many times, I would just lie and say I’m going to “study” just so I can get out. That, and other reasons why I am so deprived of the things of this world. I was afraid to even go shopping at age 20. I feel uncomfortable going by myself. I’m afraid to look up the yellow pages to call for services. The only thing I feel comfortable doing is staying in my room and playing third-world computer games. You know, free cheap games. I lack street smarts and so many of my skills are deprived and undeveloped. My dad provides me physically, but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Although he’s my dad, I look to him like my boss. It’s cold, unemotional, calculating. I can’t live like this. And of course, he’s the one who kicked me out the house and forced me to join the Army. That itself should be reason enough to ignore him. Now I know why my mom divorced lol.

The second thing is about my so called “friends” in church. I want to reconnect with them but they don’t want to talk to me. I send messages via facebook but they don’t respond. It’s like ever since I joined the Army, they don’t talk to me anymore. All they care about, I think, is about their college friends. Ooooo I’m in UCLA, ooooo I’m in UC Riverside, ooooo I’m in USC. Fuck you and your punk ass college. I’m pretty sure I’m more important than them since I’m going to spend eternity with you in heaven. But the thing I need most is a girlfriend. I want a girl who loves God and loves people. I want a girl whom we can pray everyday and sing everyday and worship God everyday. I can tell her all of my troubles and stresses. Then, then life will be bearable for me. Then, everyday will be like heaven lol. But, sigh, I’m just not good enough. To be truthful, I’m in love with a girl on Facebook. No, please don’t guess who, and if you do, I’m just going to lie. But of course, she’s in college. She’s 10x smarter than me, she has probably 10x more friends. Actually, make that 20 or 30x or more since I hardly have any lol. So fuck it, I won’t be able to find anyone. The Bible says a “virtuous wife, who can find?” Only Jesus can find one for me. Sigh, so depressing. This leads to another point.

Many times, actually almost all the time, I feel that the only friend I have is Jesus. Of course it’s wonderful to have Jesus, but I want a fully human friend. Someone I can talk to about anything, a “spiritual battle buddy.” I can’t fight against my flesh, the world, or Satan alone. I still try, but now, I do so more tactically.

You might see me on Facebook and see how emotional and open I am, but I am totally different in real life. I can’t trust people, and it’s painful. I act like a general lol. I’m cold, tactful, calculating, unemotional, meaner, and results-(or mission) oriented. This “don’t mess with me” type. And I’m also able to back myself up with threats. It’s fine. I would so much rather go to heaven now than later. Or if I don’t go to heaven, oh well. God’s the judge. This world is hell to me already.

I need to go to sleep soon, or tomorrow will be hell. To make this short, I’m coming back on my own terms. I already reserved a rental car, and got my planned ilternary. I will be living in a hotel from 25 Dec to 4 Jan. I will still, of course, stop by my dad’s house and show up to church. Maybe I should wear my ACU’s and make a noisy entrance. I was even joking about being in full battle rattle with my M16A2. Hooah! I will eat at Vietnamese restaurants, eating those yummy deserts. But, I will spend almost everyday hiking at the mountains. I love to sing and hike and be with nature. I want to go on higher ground. I may also revisit my past: Taking walks down my middle school (Thomas Jefferson), skating at Washington School (elementary school), go ice skating at the Pasadena rink, maybe go to Cloverly School and take a look, revisit SINWA education center, although most of my students are probably gone, and go to the beach. I can finally be free; I can finally have freedom. What I don’t want to do is playing computer games in my hotel room. Yes, I’m back to playing games again, but it’s high-class games now.

One of the things my dad kept telling me is to save money. Of course I’m saving money, I’m trying to save every penny I get. I would deprive myself of sport drinks or monsters and just drink water or MRE drink mixes. I always eat at the DFAC, and I go outside to eat only when forced. Like that platoon Hooters event. Ugh! My battle buddies know me; they know I love Jesus and all, so I can’t opt out. My only expenses are for charities, necessities (like blankets, toothpaste, and yes, internet), and a little on computer games. I’m currently sponsoring a child and a family from World Vision. I love helping people. I want to use my treasures on earth for something more permanent. I’m afraid though. When I want to help people, I always get the feeling that people just don’t trust me, no matter what my intent is. I feel like I’m releasing this aura of fear on people. Sigh. It seems like the only things people want from me is my money. Then money it is! I’m also letting my fellow soldiers borrow. A lot of them are getting broke due to poor financial management. Damn! Stop buying cigarettes and alcohol! And stop “celebrating” everytime you get a paycheck. That’s right. Many of my soldiers live paycheck-by-pay check. I could live for couple years in the Army and still have money to spare, damn! And with regards to money, I follow the principles of the Bible. I don’t ask for the money back. To me, money is just a sad necessity in this world. I want to use my money just to help people. I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. Then, everybody will help each other and the Law will be on everyone’s hearts. I don’t worship money, unlike my dad, I worship God.

I also look to my past a lot now. I remember what Shi-Min Lu, my former Junior High Sunday School teacher said:”Young people like you.. always look to the future, but people like me, we look to our past.” I asked her why not just look to the future, like we do? But she told me that people her age really has nothing to look forward to. For me, everyday has its own challenges, it’s unpredictable, but I look to my past, because it brings me comfort. I think of all the memories when I loved life, when it’s exciting, when It’s fun. I’m a dreamer, and I talk to myself all the time. Jesus is my best friend, and I am the second best friend. It’s fun and exciting to talk to yourself, if you know how. I think of solutions and ideas and brainstorm so much better if I talk to myself. I would talk about my past, sing, whatever. Be your own best friend.

I think looking to my past is why I loved 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams). I loved the stories, I loved the songs. I would sing them almost everyday. It’s a miracle for me to enjoy what I enjoyed so much in the past.
Ok! So I’m coming back on December 25, 2009 and leaving on January 4th 2010. I will act like Neo with his sunglasses on, so don’t expect me to behave to warmly.

10/12/09

10/12/09

S: 8:15pm
E: 8:49pm

Sigh, I hate myself. I tell myself, if I’m going to sin against God, I might as well sin all the way. You know, I still treat God like a first-aid kit; I only use Him when I need him. I feel so ashamed about myself on facebook. I feel I lied. No, I feel I just didn’t tell them the whole truth. My dark side. Heh, I remember back in SINWA. I wrote that in my lesson plan as a possibiity for a journal topic. Heh, I should not have included it. My students asked me, but I told them no. Why? Because I don’t want them to know my dark side. I don’t want them to know about my sins, my weaknesses. I feel the best way to know somebody is to know their weaknesses, their sins, their struggles, rather then knowing the opposite. Ok, this is my last entry before the field. I am not really tired, but I need to sleep. I am overdue now in sleep. I hope my next entry would be “My dark side.”