12/10/2010: Being me II

12/10/2010: Being me II

S: 5:16pm

E: 5:42pm

Many times, even though I want to write, I feel I don’t want to write. I would rather do something else that I want, like playing games. However, an incident happened today that makes me want to write. I have to write now, if not, my heart will burn within me. I need to write not just when I feel like it, but when I don’t, as long as it gives glory to God.

I will write from events of greatest importance to events of lesser importance.

I was sitting on one of my platoon’s truck, sulking away. My sergeant noticed it and kept asking me what’s wrong.

“Nothing, I’m good.” I would say, or “I’m fine.”

What I said is close to a half-truth. I am fine, as long as I try to follow God, He will be with me, and I will be fine. Another thing I was reluctant to open up is because I’m afraid my sergeant may use this information against me and I felt my troubled thoughts won’t change anything. Yet, another thing is I felt it is partly my fault. I should be stronger.

Earlier, when we dropped off the humvees, my sergeant did something that offended me. Well, it wasn’t just that incident that set it off, but the past. This was just like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I began to retreat to myself, alone, watching the sunset. I want to be alone. I can feel the quietness and the wind. I can feel peace. Some sergeants came to me and greeted me and started talking in my area, so I went to another area. I opened my Bible and began reading the book of Psalms. I cannot depend on my own strength, but on the limitless power of God. Later on, we got back on the truck and went to the front of the site. It was there when my sergeant talked to me.

I was resistant because I’m afraid. I’m not sure what he would do. I need to be careful. Yet, another part of me want to tell the truth, because it is the truth that sets people free. I told my sergeant that I need time to think. And then, I told him. I told him I didn’t know if it was my fault, his, or both. I told him there are times when I feel hurt dealing with people. It hurts me. I have to endure. When people attack me, not physically, but deeper inside, I feel hurt. Yet, my usual response is to endure the pain and rely on God. But, since my sergeant inquired, I told him the truth. He said who do you have trouble working with? Me? I told him yes. I told him it’s just my weakness, that I’m never good in the ways of this world and when people attack me, it hurts. But, since he asked what he needs to change, I added that he should be more loving, kind, and humble. I told him I prefer to work with nice people; people who are loving and humble, but, of course, in this world, that is not the case. He told me he tries to be nice and kind, and I told him yes. He told me the frustrations of working with me, that I simply do not know what everybody else should know: common sense. I also lack, since I hardly deal with people before the Army, the sense of people’s expectations of me. He told me I don’t really understand people because I’m so sheltered, but after he said that, I told him I feel I do know a bit about people, but I lack the sense. In basic training and AIT, I had the same problem. I would, despite my best effort, just not know what is going on or what to do. Towards the middle of basic, the drill sergeant assigned a “babysitter” to me so he can guide me. If I get smoked, he gets smoked along with me. If I run to block a street as a road guard, he has to run with me. It’s really painful to know that others seem to magically know what to do and I don’t. I told my sergeant my weaknesses, but I added that I am still growing in this world. I am still learning more about life and understanding people. All this, of course, implied, that I am also growing in spirit and truth.

My sergeant told me I’m too grounded in heaven and not on earth which is part of the reason why I am so clueless. What he said is true, but the big reason is simply because I don’t have people-sense. Although I understand people, thanks to the Bible, I can’t sense them. There are times when I can, but there are also times when I can’t and being in the military, it is important to know people’s expectations of me. I don’t really focus on people’s expectations, but on God’s expectations.

It’s hard; it’s tough to be me, to life my life. Everyone seems to be so blessed but me. They are better in the ways of this world than me, but, I must still follow God and do my best. I will still cry because people do hurt me, but I will still continue to love God and love people. It gets tough. It gets hard. But as long as God is with me and I can read my Bible (or read them in my mind), I will be alright in the end.

10/18/09

10/18/09

S: 7:35pm
E: 7:45pm

Wow, praise God that I can finally listen to the songs of my youth. I’m so happy that I can listen to the “Land of Dreams.” It’s a mircule that I can even obtain them. And a mircule that one of my Christian brothers can upload one of the epsoides. I’m happy. I’m very thankful. Military life is hard, many times, I feel I am barely surviving, but I just trust in God. God is all I need. In relay, it isn’t as easy as I thought. “Easy” is replaced by duties and details. But thinking, planning, wondering, worrying, is “easy” because I have God. I use his Word to make decisions. I don’t have to think so much anymore because the battle belongs to the Lord. Heh, having my laptop with me makes writing about myself a lot easier. I think faster than I write, and I sometimes think faster than I type. It used to be the other way around though. It’s a good sign though, more of God and less of me.

Today, Gao called me from church. He is wondering why I didn’t go. With difficulty, I told him that I have field. He also transferred the phone to a 26 year-old girl. He told me she is very beautiful, lovely, etc. Sigh! Why?! I didn’t follow God to get a wife, but to get him. But, if these wonderful things should come on the way to the cross, then I will gladly accept it, because it is a gift from God. I talked to her, she seems friendly and interested. I am not good with girls, I never had a girl I can call my girlfriend. I tried though, but I can’t. I can’t find a way, but God can find a way. I’m just going to trust and obey God and follow his Word. Lord, help me to follow you and worship you. The field will just get harder and more painful as time goes on, but I will continue to rely on the Lord’s faithfullness. Jesus loves me and only he can save me.

9/19/2009

9/19/2009

Wow, once I start playing computer games, I can’t stop. I hate myself for it. I tried to spend my time on the Way of the Master course or in prayer, but its just so hard. I feel so tired doing these things, but when I think of games, I feel like I can play all day and all night. I tried praying in the afternoon, but then it feels so boring and a waste of time. Nothing can be farther from the truth. I need to learn and develop the capability to worship God in season and out of season. To spend my entire free-time worshipping God.

I am weak. It’s easy for me to worship God when I’m suffering, in pain, or feeling guilty (like right after my gaming-binge). The hardest time for me to worship God is during the weekends, when life is easy and I have much more free-time. I should be thanking God for this solace instead of going to the world. I used to justify my sinful behaviors by saying that I’m just stressed out and I need a break. No, the best way to relieve stress is by spending time with God. And, contrary to popular belief, playing games doesn’t make me smarter, asking God for wisdom does.

8/25/2009

8/25/2009

S: 7:32
E: 7:50?ish

I hate it how once I finished with all my necessary things, I hardly have time for myself. I wanted to continue to update my facebook so I can invite my friends. But that would have to wait.

As I said before, I am a weak person. I have to rest, to sleep early, just so I can be on equal grounds with my peers. I’m tired, yet I don’t want to sleep yet. I want to reconnect with my friends.

I wrote a list of 11 goals that I hope to accomplish during my stay in the Army. I plan to publish it on facebook. I grow to like facebook now. It serves as a way for me to connect with my friends even though I’m 500 or 5000 miles away. It enables me to see the faces of those I love when I was young again. I really miss them. I want to touch them, to talk to them again.

Again, this diary is for myself only. It’s clearance is top-secret heh. My facebook is secret (friends). And while my military friends have classified ratings, some I will allow to be my friend. That’s why there is a conflict in me. My facebook is about my thoughs and my feelings. But what if those near me now see them as hostile? They might attack me, mistreat me, and so forth. I am only saying what I think. Do I have a right to do that? Am I not a soldier of Christ and also a soldier of freedom also? For it is in Christ that sets us free. I am going to include what I wrote in the office so I don’t have to keep pieces of my treasures around.

8/25/09

S: about 4pm

My heart is stirred by a noble theme, as I recite the verses of the king.

I am in conflict whether to invite my military friends on Facebook or not. Facebook is a place of honesty. A place to write honest thoughts. However, I really disagree with what they are doing. I have nothing but critisim for them. I am stuck, what can I do? They know me, but if I increase my intenisity, they will dislike it. They might even grow to hate me.

How about they don’t care who they fuck. How they don’t care about their morals. How…. so man things. Surly strength is their god. They do not fear God. And they hardly fear men.

Sure, I am messed up too, but I prayed the prayer of David in Psalm 51: “Have mercy upon me O God, according to your unfailing love.”

———————————————-

And my goals:

1) Be able to love and follow God wherever he leads me. Develop faith the size of a mustard seed.

2) Get a BA or BS degree.

3) Learn a foreign language.

4) Be strong and healthy.

5) Get lastilik eye surgury during Christmas leave.

6) Reconnect, support, and confid with my old friends.

7) Get a girlfriend.

8) Memorize the Book of Psalms or/and key verses in the Bible.

9) Develop a capable kingdom on Envoy.

10) Stop playing computer games

11) Develop soldier skills

—————————-
Theses are my goals. I also annotated them on my orginal copy with s= spiritual and so forth, but that takes too long. Sorry, I’m lazy.

Sigh, I still regret the fact that I rejected God during my high school years. Just because I met disappointment in 8th grade with my church members does not mean I can reject the one who loves me, God. I wonder… my life would be truly different if only I opened myself up in my middle school years. I could also have met Dorcas, Endora, and other sisters in the Ger family. I would love to get to know them. But now… sigh. When I came back to church during late high school, I probably seen the Ger sisters. But… I didn’t reconlize them. Sigh…. It’s fine. God is already doing so much to help me by letting me reconnect with much of them through facebook. Praise God. Let the house of Israel say his love endures forever.

The internet is down, so I can’t update my facebook and publish my declassified version on it. Heh… it just might be the same actually. Truth hurts, but its the truth. There’s no way around it. Actually, there is, but its just not worth it. I learned that in middle school.

May God bless all of you.