11/9/2016: MDWG

11/9/2016: MDWG

10:24pm – 11:11pm (session continues but transcribing ended)

God, I am here today to love You, to spend time with You, to seek You. God, we really need to seek Your Face. We really need to worship You, to love You. Thank You Jesus for giving me an opportunity today to spend time with You and to worship You. In the negativity of this world, God is my only light.

God, I ask for protection and safety for this country, that this nation, under God, can do the right thing. That this nation can turn to You. That the nations of the world can seek You, can be found by You. May you bless Israel O God, protect her from all her troubles.

Help us O God, to chase You. You know us by name. Forgive me O God.

People may break their promises but help me to keep mine. You’re everything that we need God. Help me to run after your heart. Forgive us O God, and heal us. Teach us to follow Your ways, O God, for your ways are good, and your ways are true.

Jesus, you love us so much. I don’t understand Your love; I don’t understand this love. Why do You love us so much? Help me God, to fathom the depths of your love. God, I still doubt, I still lack faith, I still am faithless. But God, I know You are my God and my provider. You are my Jehovah Jira.

So Jesus, I thank You for give me abilities. I thank you for blessing me. Even if all you give me is a little ewe lamb, God, help me to still love You and give thanks to You, and be loyal to You because however You give, O God, you give with love and peace, and fairness, and justice. What You give is enough for me. You are enough for me. Help me to say that You are all I need, You are all I want, You are all I seek. My heart says of You seek His face, Your face Lord, I will seek.

God, I pray O God, for all the displaced Christians around the world, for those that bear Your mark that are suffering, in chains, in bondage, in pain, in torture. God, may you comfort them and bless them and protect them. I know You will do all that but may you do a little more for them because of my prayer. Thank you God for giving me the ability to pray and to spend time with You. Again, it is late at night, again, I could have done better, but my God is changing me and someday perfect I will be.

You will be praised. No matter what happens You will be praised. Help me God, to say Your praise will ever be on my lips.

Help me to love You God, help me to worship You. Surely the things of this world is folly, surely the things of this world grows old. But You, O Lord, never grow old. And You live in a land that will never grow old.

God, I think of my people, my comrades, those I once enjoyed sweet fellowship with, those that I haven’t matured and expressed my true self with. Those that I made mistakes with. Those that I was brainwashed with. Those that I didn’t show my true self with. God, it’s very difficult for me to express my true self with people. You know, it’s like I can’t speak to people but I can almost always speak or always speak to You. I’m more comfortable talking to You than to other people. But God, I can mess up, I can make all the mistakes of this world with these people, but Lord, just help me to continue to love them and to pray for them. To bless them and not curse them, to honor them and to just pray for them. If I suck at talking to them or being in their presence, help me then to talk to them in Your presence, help me to talk to You in behalf of them. I said before, O God, that they don’t have to like me, in fact, they can hate me, as long as they love You, as long as they love God. They don’t have to love me, they just have to love You. I will try to love them and to bless and pray for them, to the best of my limitations and weaknesses. Why? Why am I doing this? Because You are the God that overcomes our weaknesses. Because You are the God that made us and love us all. Because You are our Savior and our God. You are my Savior and God.

Lord, it’s ok if people read this, under one condition, that I remain faithful and loyal to You. That I continue to love and seek You. Lord, I backslid, I forgot, I went away, astray, even escape, even betrayed You, but You still somehow call me back with love. Sometimes with love, sometimes with guidance, sometimes with discipline, sometimes in clouds of rain, or fire, or wind, or water, or in silence, or in good days. But, God, You always call me back or maybe I decide to seek You back, but what makes me to seek You, to long for You? Isn’t it your mark that you put in me? Your fingerprint in me? Your love in me? Your power in me? Your mercy and grace in me? Your everything good in me?

…But You are the God who holds tomorrow. You are the God who holds our hands. Lord, just as some people ask to just have You, Lord, I just want to have a peaceful and quiet place and maybe safe place where I can spend time with You. I show my love through time. I show my love through actions. Heh, help me God, to show love in everything.

Sometimes there is a thin line between hypocrisy and genuineness, but we really try to seek and to follow You. Father God, I pay you lip service, but You see my heart O God, I really do what to seek You and love You. Why am I doing what I do if it’s not for You? … If that’s the case, help me to be consistent God, for You are a never-ending, never-changing God. I enjoy spending time with You, I enjoy loving You. Help me God, may this be for all-times.

I can fail my classes O God, but let me not fail You. Thank you Jesus; Thank you God.

I will be the Steven that I will never be.

Songs listened: Chasing You- Bethel, Ever Be- Bethel, Wonder- Bethel, I Love You Anyway- Holly Starr

[session continues but transcribing ended]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11/4/2016, 11/6/2016

11/4/2016

9:30pm –

Opening (Songs: All I ask- Meredith Andrews, Constant- Holly Starr:

God, today is another close call. But, I want to worship You today, to show You that I love You more than satisfying my desires. Even if my desires are debatable and not wrong, God, I still want to seek You. You know, when I don’t know what to do, I will worship and seek You. God, I love You more. I know I made mistakes; I know I messed up, everday, but, You.

Lord, only You can give me what I want. If I want any of these things, God, the best way is simply to seek and to ask You, just like Solomon. I don’t need to play games, I don’t need to pressure myself. You are my constant.

Even if my desires are not wrong, I still want to seek You because I love You.

 

11/6/2016: My Date with God

10:37pm – 11:04pm

[Note: Not every day or everything will be transcribed because transcribing may distract me from seeking God.]

Father, [my times are short] so I better make this count. If I have to transcribe, O God, then I will write this: Help me to know that You are God. Release the scales from my eyes. Surely, what You have done, about life, there is a God, and it is a God who loves life.

 

 

 

 

A Shirt that bears Jesus’s Name

20 June 2016: A Shirt that bears Jesus’s Name

10:31pm – 10:48pm
It’s been a while since I wrote my blog. I need discipline, wisdom, understanding, and knowledge (from Proverbs). Everyday when I wake up, I always read a short passage in Psalms and Proverbs. One of my mistakes is not reading Proverbs regularly.

What I wanted to write is what I scheduled myself to write, on the 16th (or 15th?) of June, I wore a Nazarene shirt for the whole day. The shirt looked like this:

2016.6.20

The blog that I planned to write isn’t very shocking or cool but I just want to write my thoughts down.

Wearing that shirt or any Christian shirt for that matter takes a lot of responsibility. One of the reasons is because I am wearing something that represents Christ. It is very difficult. In order for me to wear these shirts, I have to pray and seek God and be close to Him. I have to purify myself. It feels like a sacrifice.

It is easier for me to wear a shirt that bears UTEP’s name than Jesus’s name (and I hardly wear any shirts that advocate something). I would rather wear a USA shirt than a Jesus shirt because it is so hard. I half expected myself to get hurt wearing that shirt. The only exception is wearing a North Korean shirt. I might get myself killed. Actually I’m not sure which is worse. I think the One that can destroy the soul is worse. Heh.

I remember when I bicycled home with that shirt, an Arab woman looked at my shirt and then at me. I smiled at her. The reason why I wore that shirt is to show my condolences to those killed in recent events (esp. those killed in Orlando) and to show solidarity with the Christians who are persecuted for their faith all around the world, especially in the Middle East and in countries with heavy Muslim populations.

I am trying to write more regularly, but it is hard due to my circumstances. I remember when Pastor Smith told us that times are going to get darker. They are right so I need to prepare (by seeking God, by serving Him, by loving Him, by following Him and asking for His forgiveness).

Poem: Keep trying to follow God

Keep trying to follow God

I will keep trying to follow God,
Even though I make many mistakes.
Like a kid learning to play basketball,
He misses all the shots he makes.

I will keep trying to follow God,
And do what I think He says.
Knowing that although I make mistakes,
If I keep trying, I will be perfect in the end.

For everyone makes mistakes,
But it is God who sees the heart.
The “mistakes” that are devoted to Him,
Will be made perfect in the end.
Written partly for Michelle

8/13/09

8/13/09

S: 7:34pm
E: 8:07pm

A day before my birthday, I reflected on my life. Looking at all the e-mails of my past that I treasured. I think about all my friends that moved on. I lost contact to all of them. I remember the sweet times when I had them. I regret the times when I refuse to follow God in my high school years beacuse I feel angry. I feel hopeless too. All these memories. All these failures. All these regrets.

My church forgot me. That’s only derserving of what I get because I forgot my church, too. I failed college. I deserved that too. I didn’t study, and I actually got better grades than I deserved. God’s mercy is very great. I failed to control my evil self. My evil desires. My evil flesh. I failed time and time again. Until my dad praticaly kicked me out.

I joined the Army because I failed college and my dad kicked me out. But a deeper reason is because I failed to worship God completely. I was still holding on to sin. I was still greatly sinning against God.

I got through so much pain as a result of my decision. So much hardship, so much pain, so much loneyness. But somehow, God still had mercy on me. On this poor wetched soul. He delieved me many times in BCT when I seeked Him. He helped me in AIT when I asked for help. Even through I wander away, God still forgave me and helped me. And in my unit too.

But still. I feel so alone. I feel so loney. I miss all my long ago, long past friends. I miss them. I love them. I want to talk to them. To connect with them again. To bless and love them again. To fellowship with them again. But time has done its damage. It is done. There is no turning back.

Oh how I wish I can live life again. How I wish I can just start over again. I tried to talk to God to give me another chance that way. To say, “God, if you can make me young again, I will change my ways. For now I see my mistakes. Now I see my sin.” But I can’t. God won’t let me. It’s not fair for others. It’s against His Law.

So now what am I to do? It is depressing. So real. I am nothing now. I watch as this world is heading to sin. I watch. I can only watch. And sometimes pray.

Lord, can you please help me. Lord, you know my pains, you know me oh Lord. Help and heal me. Even through I messed up in my early life. Lord, help me. Forgive me God. Please help me. Give me a second chance with people. Give me a second chance with other believers. I want to fellowship with them. I want to fellowship with my church. I miss them. They have forgotton me, and I deserved it. I deserved it.

I deserved everything in my life. All the major decisons I mean. The biggest mistake is that I failed to worship and love GOd completely. I failed HIm. I failed. Now I seek Him. Now I love Him. Now I worship and adore and ask HIm for help. BUt now is too late. It cannot undo the damage that I have done. I can’t just talk to these people, these friends of mine again. I have to make new ones but they are just not replacable. It’s not a plug and fix solution.

Lord, what am I to do? SHould I write a long, lengthy e-mail to all three groups asking them to forigve me and love me and cover me in again? What will they do? Will they think I’m crazy? What can I do? WHat can I say? What can I do to have them be with me again. I know God is with me, but I still love to worhsip God with my fellow believers.

I don’t know what to do. My birthday. It means nothing. It is just a cursed day to me. It is just a reminder of time passing. OH how I want to go back in time, if only just a few years. I think I can see my life now. A life of misrey, pain, sorrow, shame. A life alone. A loney life. People don’t understand this. They don’t understand, unless they really want to understand me. ANd they persist to. Then they might understand.

Now I’m thinking. Now I’m thinking the impossible. Death. I just want to die. After all, all my former support is gone. My church is gone. My old CHristian friends is gone. Even my high school friends is gone. Canaan is now just a distant friend to me. Just a memory of what a friend used to be. And its all my fault. My fault. I did not seek God. I did not follow GOd completely.

You know, maybe I should just go AWOL and spend the rest of my money in a secret place, just worshipping God, just praying to God, just seeking Him. ANd then my plan is to die. Once my money runs out, or I’m found out, I will die. Die. Sweet death, Sweet departure.

Is it too late for me Lord? Is it too late for me to have my old friends back? I could get new grain and new wine because the Bible said so. But can I get the ones I love back again? I don’t think so. I love them, I miss them terriably.

I think its hopeless. I think my life is just hopeless. I failed God. It’s too late for me. The war for my life was already lost. ALl the major battles have been fought early in my life. I lost almost all if not all of them. Now, I can win every battle, but still lose so much. Still lose the war.

I’m dispairing. I’m crying inside. I’m broken inside. I feel so hopeless. I just want to die. Say good bye. Just die.

WHo am I anyways? Am I not just a man God created? Am I not just a breath that passes away? Am I not just like a flower in the field that fades away?

I can’t live my life anymore. I don’t care about other people, other soldiers anymore. I just want to die.

I don’t want to made any new friends anymore. I just want my old friends back. My old friends from childhood. I want them back. Or I will be alone. I hate being alone. I hate to be by myself. I want to travel through life with my church friends. I want to suffer with them. TO cry with them. To laugh with them. TO do anything with them. Lord help me. Humor is just a drug to me now. It hides the truth of reality.

So when am I going to die? I’m going to die as soon as I safely could. I will travel to a remote location. I don’t care the damage I can do to my country. I failed myself.

I want to just worship God, give Him glory, and then die.

4/28/09

4/28/09

S: 2326
E: 2345

Today is a very bad day. Why? Because I played computer games. When I play computer games I can’t stop. It destroys my life. It is God I need, not games. I cannot worshp both God and games. Oh my. I feel terrible. Lord, please forgive me and rebuild me please. Lord, please help me. I can’t stand myself. There are so many important things I need to do. Why do I spend my precious time, the free time God has given me to play games? Lord, forgive me. I am unworthy. Lord, you gave me so much and yet, I still sin against you. Lord, please forgive me. I am distressed. I shouldn’t have brought any games. Why? Lord, my weakness should not be a reason to sin. Lord, please help me. Lord, help me. Forgive me. Jesus, loving Jesus. Sweetest name I know. You are the God who fills my every longing. Why do I waste my time playing games? Why do I gamble, no, even worse, destroy my life playing games. God can give these things to me. He is in control. The world is in His loving hands. Why do I have to sin against God to get things that perish.

I want to record something that greatly shows how much God loves me. I will not use this to sin. No, please don’t. I drement last night, a girl from SINWA. Her name is Eden. I had three, maybe four dreams, including breaks (latrine) of her. I hope I can say I love her. She is pure, sweet, innocent, kind, and childish. And she is also impulsive and extorverted. You know, even my dream tells me playing computer games is bad. I played mario go-carts with her, but even through I taught her how to win (she won on her second try) when she almost killed the other go-cart, the game was suddenly canceled. And after the gaming experience, I feel that I didn’t really spend quality time with her. The setting is always different but the girl is always the same. Sometimes there’s seperate Eden look-alikes, but I always try to find the “real” Eden. In my last dream, Eden and me were in a supermarket. I told her to drink more milk so she can have strong bones. I walked to the place where milk is sold and told her to follow me. And I started to get some milk for her. The dream was very specific. There were different kinds of milk. 4% fat, 3% fat, etc. In all my dreams, I always wanted to hold her hand. I never wanted to lose sight of her. I always wanted to be with her. I am much, much older than her. (She is only seven). Thus, any, forgive me Lord, sexual expression is not allowed. I have no sexual tentendices toward her in my dream. It’s more like agrape love. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to love her. I wanted the best for her. I will most likely never see her again, but I know that my Lord my God will take care of her. The Lord gave me a wonderful gift tutoring children. In many ways, the children tutored me. I feel I learned and gained more than I gave. I feel so blessed when I think about my tutoring years. Army life is so painful, stressful, filled with suffering. I wish I could be rightous in God’s eyes before I joined the Army. If I followed God a year before, I wouldn’t have joined the Army. Although life will still be hard in the beginning, it will get better because with God, everything gets better.

God, many times, I wish I can go back. But that is not possible. Lord, you have done so much for me. Forgive me Lord for not giving you 100% like what happened today. But I know it is too late. I can’t go back in time. I can’t go back. I made mistakes, and I have to suffer for it. But one thing that I love about the Lord. He helps me in my suffering. He makes my suffering barable, even though my suffering is still great. So painful Lord, life is so painful. I prefer to sleep and never wake up again. Lord, please forgive me. Lord, please help me.

The time when I need the most help is when I am farthest from you. I need you Lord, more than anything and anyone. Help me to walk in your truth and your way.