8/13/2012:

8/13/2012:

{S: 10:35pm} Today showed me God’s promises. I felt all hope is lost; I felt I’m never going to find a good apartment, a good place to live. I started to blame God, telling Him that He led me out of slavery in Egypt to die in the desert (Exodus 14:12). I saw a listing on Craiglist of a studio a mile away from UTEP and less than half a mile away from EPCC- Rio Grande campus. I called a few apartments but with no luck. I felt this listing, posted at 9am, close proximity to UTEP and EPCC, will all utilities paid, and only at $450, will take a miracle to be accepted.

Before I called, I felt pessimistic. It’s like I don’t want to try anymore. Instead of trying to find a place to live, I want to just go back to computer games, which is my drug, to dull the pain.

I called them, went to their site and they accepted me! They told me there was a few other offers but if I make a deposit now, then I can have the room. So I did, yes! While I was talking with the landlords, another prospector came to take a look. The owner told them it’s already taken. I waved at them and said, “I’m sorry….”

Tomorrow is my birthday but I really don’t have anything planned. To me, birthdays are just another day. I try to make it that way because why should I celebrate? If the reader thinks about it, life is full of pain. Job said “May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said, ‘A boy is born!” (Job 3:3). I feel the lives of the people in this world are like this. Evil is increasing and hope is diminishing. There are more and more groaning and more and more worries.

But for my birthday tomorrow, I do have something planned. I have it planned with God. I plan to do a birthday dance with God, go to the dog park with Jello while praying, and maybe take a prayer walk on the Franklin Mountains. I’ve never been there before. {E: 10:58pm}

12/12/2010: My Narnia

12/12/2010: My Narnia

S: 8:51pm

E: 9:54pm

I want to write, but when I write after delaying what I want to write, it gets hard to write, nevertheless, I must still write.

I am now in Camp Beauring with two other soldiers doing a security detail. On that day, a battery organization day, our battery did a day of sports. We played softball, football (although I also want capture the flag), dodgeball, and three point shootout. I was wearing my light green T-shirt that says: “WWW (World Wide Wickedness), URL (Under Redeemers Love), HTML (He Transformed My Life). Haha, I’m guessing people might think I’m a hacker or something wearing that shirt. I did my best and did well by my standards. I got a home run, assisted a touchdown (though I missed catching numerous footballs, such a disgrace to my team), did decent in dodgeball, and got two three-pointer shots out of fifteen (the wind was blowing hard and the highest record was a five or a four, needless to say, I didn’t make it to the finals). When I saw people shooting the basket, and seeing the highest at that time was a two, I was very surprised. The last time I played that game, I shot a four. But, I never knew how hard it was to shoot with the wind until I actually tried it. After that, we retired to lunch (pizza, KFC, Subway, chips, sweets, etc) and after our repast, I played Risk with four other players. I was conceited at first, but as the game went on, I was humbled. I found out I was in danger of being the first player to be wiped out! I just want to say there are many circumstances outside my control that I can’t do anything about. I tried to hold on to Africa (they give 3 armies), but player after player prevented me. Then, I turned in my multi-card and surprised everyone with 13 armies to place. Haha, but my joy was short-lived. I decided to attack the strongest player in the game, since the other player who controlled South America, had a secret alliance with him, but I didn’t know at that time. I attack South America and after conquering it, attacked Mexico. I only had two armies in Mexico after I attacked so I moved one back to Venezuela. Well, Sgt. Frese took back N. America, Hudson, his secret ally, took the rest of Africa and Brazil, and I was almost knocked out of the game had I made a few diplomatic deals to Sgt. Frese and Hudson to let me take S. America and I’ll leave them alone. The game continued and, in the end, after wiping all the players except those three, Hudson attacked me and they both won. Stange things is, towards the very end of my game, I decided to roll one dice at a time because rolling both was giving me bad luck. The first dice I rolled for the next ten times was a 6. That is very strange, impossible I thought. I got a six even when I’m secretly trying not to get a six because I want to give God the glory. When I got up and decided to roll one dice at a time, I was trying to have faith and trust in God. I was upset of their secret alliance.

Now that I’m thinking about it, if I roll a six every time, I can never lose the game. That was what I was thinking when battling against Hudson with 15 vs. 35+ of his. In the end, he attacked with two armies (I think) versus one of mine in Argentina and I lost. I also think this is why Israel never loses if God is with her armies. Israel will always roll a six with God! She can never lose. This is why I love Israel, because God is on her side. I love Israel because God loves Israel. Of course God loves all the nations too, but Israel is his chosen nation where he first revealed himself to men. It can be 100 vs. 1 but if God is with Israel, that 1 army can defeat 99 of the enemies’.

Judges 15:16 Then Samson said, “With a donkey’s jawbone I have made donkeys of them. With a donkey’s jawbone I have killed a thousand men.”

I was excited but tired when I came back to my bay. Shortly afterwards, I was told to go to Camp Bearing and to be ready in 20 minutes. What a rush! But, luckily, I managed to make it on time. My mentality is, with God of course, is that life is hard but I have to make the best out of it. I brought my camera (but I haven’t taken any pictures yet), my mini (this laptop I’m typing on), mp3 player, and Kindle (with book 2 of Narnia). I’ve only been to Bearing once so it will be a cool learning experience.

Well, now I’m here for two nights and a day already and I’ll be here until Monday (another day left). A lot of what I can say miracles happened. To me, a miracle is something that is not supposed to happen but God made it happen. Getting to Camp Bearing was a miracle. None of us knew the way to get there, but I did my best to study the maps and took notes. Together, we were able to maneuver the Kuwaiti highways to Camp Arifjan. Getting a building to live in was also a miracle. The three of us when to the housing building (where they issue temporary housing) and we were told unless we have a memorandum we cannot obtain a building.

“Is there any way that you can help us?” my sergeant asked.

“No,” the clerk said, shaking her head.

But, my sergeant was persistent. She (yes, she) really wanted a building so she kept on talking and asking and referencing. In the end, the staff gave us two rooms (one male and one female of course), with blankets, pillows, and sheets. Wow, what a blessing. Without the building, we would have slept in two large, unlocked bay, or in the truck. Although I felt she was being very pushy and aggressive, she reminded me of the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-5) who is never tired of fighting for what is (or think) right. Finding where our security site is at is also a miracle. We had no idea where to go! But we noticed a few landmarks and with a hanging phone-call and couple wrong turns, we eventually found the site. I think, in this day and age, God does miracles in the most ordinary way. He does that so we can put our faith in Him. For example, you are driving and are lost. However, you noticed a few signs or landmarks that reminded you of where you are going and suddenly, your intuition tells you where to go. Or, you have to go work but you are just so exhausted and tired. When you did go to work, you found it to be much easier than expected or that the work days are shortened due to logical conclusions. Such is my trip to Camp Bearing.

The last thing in my heart to write is to share that I finished reading The Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. After reading that book, I realized my life also shared many similarities. For me, being in the Army is like being in Narnia. It is a whole new world to me. I went from a world of Starcraft, counter-strike, and resistant evil to a world of going to formations and doing what I’m told. From a world of being locked in my room and alone to a world full of people, and yes, sometimes even crazy people. My wardrobe however, is the recruiting office. The rules are so different. From a world of computer games to the world of real-life and trusting in my Aslan, which is Jesus. I learned so much about life and about God in the Army, things that I would never have learned had I not went to my wardrobe.

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok, I have so many things to write about my life. Where should I start? Should I even start? Lol. I just called my mom in Taiwan about my heart of hearts and I’m glad I’m able to convey all my feelings and thoughts to her despite my fluent but limited Chinese. For one thing, it’s so hard to be perfect, to love and worship God, alone. I need a spiritual “battle buddy.” Sure, the Army provides me physically (food, water, shelter, etc) and my battle buddies in my barracks provide me physically but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. My dad also provides me physically, but that’s something I want to talk, I mean write, about later. I can’t be perfect with God alone. It’s too difficult. The Bible even says there is “none righteous, no, not one.” I need someone I can freely talk to, someone I can call, in case I get tempted, in case I get attacked by Satan. You can pretty much tell that I’m having trouble with God if I don’t update my facebook lol.

I don’t even know if I want to come back to Los Angeles during Christmas time anymore. I have nothing to look forward to over there. I don’t want to see my dad, and he has been calling me almost everyday. Of course I love my dad, but I hate the fact that he micromanages me to death. When I was 20, which is before I joined the Army, my dad has control over everything. I can’t drive my car, bike, go anywhere, or buy anything without consent from my dad. He even tries to control how much toilet paper I use. Many times, I would just lie and say I’m going to “study” just so I can get out. That, and other reasons why I am so deprived of the things of this world. I was afraid to even go shopping at age 20. I feel uncomfortable going by myself. I’m afraid to look up the yellow pages to call for services. The only thing I feel comfortable doing is staying in my room and playing third-world computer games. You know, free cheap games. I lack street smarts and so many of my skills are deprived and undeveloped. My dad provides me physically, but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Although he’s my dad, I look to him like my boss. It’s cold, unemotional, calculating. I can’t live like this. And of course, he’s the one who kicked me out the house and forced me to join the Army. That itself should be reason enough to ignore him. Now I know why my mom divorced lol.

The second thing is about my so called “friends” in church. I want to reconnect with them but they don’t want to talk to me. I send messages via facebook but they don’t respond. It’s like ever since I joined the Army, they don’t talk to me anymore. All they care about, I think, is about their college friends. Ooooo I’m in UCLA, ooooo I’m in UC Riverside, ooooo I’m in USC. Fuck you and your punk ass college. I’m pretty sure I’m more important than them since I’m going to spend eternity with you in heaven. But the thing I need most is a girlfriend. I want a girl who loves God and loves people. I want a girl whom we can pray everyday and sing everyday and worship God everyday. I can tell her all of my troubles and stresses. Then, then life will be bearable for me. Then, everyday will be like heaven lol. But, sigh, I’m just not good enough. To be truthful, I’m in love with a girl on Facebook. No, please don’t guess who, and if you do, I’m just going to lie. But of course, she’s in college. She’s 10x smarter than me, she has probably 10x more friends. Actually, make that 20 or 30x or more since I hardly have any lol. So fuck it, I won’t be able to find anyone. The Bible says a “virtuous wife, who can find?” Only Jesus can find one for me. Sigh, so depressing. This leads to another point.

Many times, actually almost all the time, I feel that the only friend I have is Jesus. Of course it’s wonderful to have Jesus, but I want a fully human friend. Someone I can talk to about anything, a “spiritual battle buddy.” I can’t fight against my flesh, the world, or Satan alone. I still try, but now, I do so more tactically.

You might see me on Facebook and see how emotional and open I am, but I am totally different in real life. I can’t trust people, and it’s painful. I act like a general lol. I’m cold, tactful, calculating, unemotional, meaner, and results-(or mission) oriented. This “don’t mess with me” type. And I’m also able to back myself up with threats. It’s fine. I would so much rather go to heaven now than later. Or if I don’t go to heaven, oh well. God’s the judge. This world is hell to me already.

I need to go to sleep soon, or tomorrow will be hell. To make this short, I’m coming back on my own terms. I already reserved a rental car, and got my planned ilternary. I will be living in a hotel from 25 Dec to 4 Jan. I will still, of course, stop by my dad’s house and show up to church. Maybe I should wear my ACU’s and make a noisy entrance. I was even joking about being in full battle rattle with my M16A2. Hooah! I will eat at Vietnamese restaurants, eating those yummy deserts. But, I will spend almost everyday hiking at the mountains. I love to sing and hike and be with nature. I want to go on higher ground. I may also revisit my past: Taking walks down my middle school (Thomas Jefferson), skating at Washington School (elementary school), go ice skating at the Pasadena rink, maybe go to Cloverly School and take a look, revisit SINWA education center, although most of my students are probably gone, and go to the beach. I can finally be free; I can finally have freedom. What I don’t want to do is playing computer games in my hotel room. Yes, I’m back to playing games again, but it’s high-class games now.

One of the things my dad kept telling me is to save money. Of course I’m saving money, I’m trying to save every penny I get. I would deprive myself of sport drinks or monsters and just drink water or MRE drink mixes. I always eat at the DFAC, and I go outside to eat only when forced. Like that platoon Hooters event. Ugh! My battle buddies know me; they know I love Jesus and all, so I can’t opt out. My only expenses are for charities, necessities (like blankets, toothpaste, and yes, internet), and a little on computer games. I’m currently sponsoring a child and a family from World Vision. I love helping people. I want to use my treasures on earth for something more permanent. I’m afraid though. When I want to help people, I always get the feeling that people just don’t trust me, no matter what my intent is. I feel like I’m releasing this aura of fear on people. Sigh. It seems like the only things people want from me is my money. Then money it is! I’m also letting my fellow soldiers borrow. A lot of them are getting broke due to poor financial management. Damn! Stop buying cigarettes and alcohol! And stop “celebrating” everytime you get a paycheck. That’s right. Many of my soldiers live paycheck-by-pay check. I could live for couple years in the Army and still have money to spare, damn! And with regards to money, I follow the principles of the Bible. I don’t ask for the money back. To me, money is just a sad necessity in this world. I want to use my money just to help people. I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. Then, everybody will help each other and the Law will be on everyone’s hearts. I don’t worship money, unlike my dad, I worship God.

I also look to my past a lot now. I remember what Shi-Min Lu, my former Junior High Sunday School teacher said:”Young people like you.. always look to the future, but people like me, we look to our past.” I asked her why not just look to the future, like we do? But she told me that people her age really has nothing to look forward to. For me, everyday has its own challenges, it’s unpredictable, but I look to my past, because it brings me comfort. I think of all the memories when I loved life, when it’s exciting, when It’s fun. I’m a dreamer, and I talk to myself all the time. Jesus is my best friend, and I am the second best friend. It’s fun and exciting to talk to yourself, if you know how. I think of solutions and ideas and brainstorm so much better if I talk to myself. I would talk about my past, sing, whatever. Be your own best friend.

I think looking to my past is why I loved 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams). I loved the stories, I loved the songs. I would sing them almost everyday. It’s a miracle for me to enjoy what I enjoyed so much in the past.
Ok! So I’m coming back on December 25, 2009 and leaving on January 4th 2010. I will act like Neo with his sunglasses on, so don’t expect me to behave to warmly.

10/18/09

10/18/09

S: 7:35pm
E: 7:45pm

Wow, praise God that I can finally listen to the songs of my youth. I’m so happy that I can listen to the “Land of Dreams.” It’s a mircule that I can even obtain them. And a mircule that one of my Christian brothers can upload one of the epsoides. I’m happy. I’m very thankful. Military life is hard, many times, I feel I am barely surviving, but I just trust in God. God is all I need. In relay, it isn’t as easy as I thought. “Easy” is replaced by duties and details. But thinking, planning, wondering, worrying, is “easy” because I have God. I use his Word to make decisions. I don’t have to think so much anymore because the battle belongs to the Lord. Heh, having my laptop with me makes writing about myself a lot easier. I think faster than I write, and I sometimes think faster than I type. It used to be the other way around though. It’s a good sign though, more of God and less of me.

Today, Gao called me from church. He is wondering why I didn’t go. With difficulty, I told him that I have field. He also transferred the phone to a 26 year-old girl. He told me she is very beautiful, lovely, etc. Sigh! Why?! I didn’t follow God to get a wife, but to get him. But, if these wonderful things should come on the way to the cross, then I will gladly accept it, because it is a gift from God. I talked to her, she seems friendly and interested. I am not good with girls, I never had a girl I can call my girlfriend. I tried though, but I can’t. I can’t find a way, but God can find a way. I’m just going to trust and obey God and follow his Word. Lord, help me to follow you and worship you. The field will just get harder and more painful as time goes on, but I will continue to rely on the Lord’s faithfullness. Jesus loves me and only he can save me.

10/17/09

[written diary]

5:54pm 6:20pm

10/17/09

I have a lot to be thankful for. Why then, do I sin? God gave me clear signs of his displeasure towards me playing cards. It is an earthly, sinful thing. I got my mircule package from Taiwan and yet, I still choose to win against God. Wow Lord, forgive me. You warned me twice and gave me time and other hints to repent. Why am I still so stubborn? Lord, forgive me. I have sinned. I should have spent the time praying and worshipping you, Lord. Forgive me for comparing myself to others. I am so negative. God knows everything, let him be the judge.

 

是愛

天為什麼藍
草為什麼綠
什麼使月亮放光
什麼使太陽溫暖

花為什麼香
鳥為什麼唱
什麼使人活著有希望

愛使天藍 愛使草綠

There’s more to that song, but I am too tired to finish it. Lord, forgive me and please give me strength. I sin all the time, but please give me reminders if I am sinning against you.

+ I am here to worship God and not myself.

+If pleasures and joy should come on my way to the cross, then I will gladly take pleasure in them, otherwise, I will shun them as distracters.

9/12/09

9/12/09

S: 3:17
E: 3:21pm

There is an event yesterday when I was helping my battle buddies (I hope to call them “Bible” buddies soon) move. While in the midst of helping them move, I had my arm halfway in the car hood. Suddenly, the hood slammed shut on me. However, my arm was fine! I didn’t feel any pain. The wooden boards outside the hood prevented the hood from closing completely. Praise God! It is he who delivers me from the snare.

“A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” (Psalm 34:19-20)