11/9/2016: My Date With God

11/9/2016: My Date With God

12:21am – 12:42am (but session continues)

Father, I love You, forgive me O God, forgive our sins. Jesus, it doesn’t matter who becomes the next president, what matters O God, is people follow You, what matters is people seek You. You are the God of mercy and grace, You are the God of second chances, You are the God of peace, You are the God of hope, You are the God of love, You are the God of everything good.

God, may You bless whoever becomes the next president, be it Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. Bless that person, O God, that that person can seek You and listen to You and follow You. Lord, may You give that person wisdom and discernment. May You give that person the ability and the leaders of our country the ability to become great.

God, one thing that bothers me a lot is the treatment of prisoners. God, I have been there, and I know their hope, their chances. You are their only chance, You are their only hope. God can You please help them and Lord, may You use me someday to help them. Maybe my internship at Dismas Charities is not lost.

God, may You protect us. Protect those who are weak. Protect those who seek You. Father, teach us to love You. Teach us to worship You.

God, though You, nothing is impossible. Help me to live by faith. God, I’ve been making efforts to seek You more, to love You more. I know my weaknesses; I know my faults, but I am trying with the best of my knowledge and ability, to seek You more.

God, I thank You for today. I thank You for helping me resist sin and temptation. I thank You for helping me achieve what I needed to do, mostly. I thank You for inspiring me. I know, Lord, that I still sleep late and I still play late-night games, but God, I’m trying to make progress in that area.

God, our country needs You. It doesn’t matter what the results are. It doesn’t matter how much we have or don’t have. It doesn’t matter what other people or nations think. Our wound is great. Our wound is severe. And God, help us to seek healing.

You are the God that teaches us. Thank You Jesus. I go to sleep late but not in vain, at least, because I have chosen, at least partially, to seek You, and God, may You increase my space, my land, for You. Forgive me, O God.

Why do people suffer so much for You, I don’t really understand? Surely, they know You. They know You more than me. Why is it that I wait for the last minute before I seek You? Help me God, to seek You always.

God, You are good and You are holy. You are just. It should’ve been me, long time ago, but You, gave me mercy. It’s not easy for me to say this.

Father, if I die seeking You then my life is worth it. Thank you God for helping me in my life. Thank You God for healing me. Thank You God for giving me hope and a future.

God, teach us O Lord, and help us to overcome our flesh. Thank You Jesus, deliver us. [Session continues but will end transcribing]

Songs listened: (random music from my Favorites folder) Same Power- Jeremy Camp, I Must Tell Jesus- Hymn, Nothing Is Impossible- Planetshakers, The Prayer- Josh Groban, Should’ve Been Me- Citizen Way, [session continues but will end transcribing]

 

11/2/2016: My Date with God

Footnote (11/15/2016): I’ve second thoughts about posting this but this is a project and if I don’t I will lose momentum. This shows that we are all sinners and that we all need forgiveness. What matters is not how much you sin but whether you return to God and repent.

[delayed posting on facebook]

11/2/2016: My Date with God

12:05am – 12:44am
Opening: Father, I’ve sinned against You. I have sinned against you. Forgive me O God, for your mercy is very great. You gave me abilities; you gave me talents, you gave me gifts, you gave me wonders, you gave me friends, thank you Father. For you are good and everything about You is good. Jesus, today is going to be a very short session, forgive me God, because it’s so late. God, you the sins of my heart. Surely the heart is deceitful above all things. Surely [she] is right in saying that the heart is deceitful. God, I almost made today a holy day, it was so close. Why Lord, does it have to be an all-or-nothing day? Forgive me God, for I live to please You. I will try again when I wake up O God, for your mercies are new everyday. Your grace is new everyday. Thank you so much for what you have done for me. Thank you so much for what you have done in my life.

God, I ask that you forgive me and wipe away my sins. Just as you will wipe away every tear from people’s eyes, every sorrow, every depression, every bondage, every sufferings, every tribulations. God, forgive me. I repent. I will follow You and seek You. Surely the heart is deceitful.

God, I was thinking about playing a song, a melody, because it’s my tradition or maybe a habit, or maybe because a part of me still wants to worship You, but how can I play music when I just sinned against You? Surely sin not only keeps people away from You, it also limits the worship that people may give You.

[Speaking in tongues]

God, I thank You that I have the ability to speak in tongues. I thank You that you gave me the ability to support and to help people. That’s my specialty. Through helping others, my soul, myself becomes stronger. I become strong through service. Thank You God, and help me to serve You. With You, there is a never-ending amount of service. You are worthy of all the praise. You are worthy of all the honor; you are worthy of everything. Everything good. I can always pray. I can always fast. I can always seek You. I can always talk to You. I can always sing to You. I can always pray and intercede for others. Thank you God.

Father You know, there was time when, in my pride perhaps, I thought to myself in the military that I am the only one that seeks You; that I am the only one that follows and loves You. God, now I know that I’m not the only one that gives praise, that I’m not the only one that loves You. That, in fact, my church, many people, surpass me in devotion to You. Surely the heart is deceitful. Surely I am like an unpredictable wave, tossing and turning, an unpredictable ship.

God, help me to spend time with You. Help me to love You. Why do I wait for the last minute, past the last minute to worship You, to spend time with You. Why do I give you my lastfruits and not my firstfruits? Not all of it.

Jesus, you are holy God, and Your ways are holy. Your ways are righteous. Father, forgive me, and wipe away my stains. Wipe away my fears. Wipe away my sorrows, my depression, my sadness. Thank you God. Help us O Lord, for we need You. I lack the ability to actively evangelize and I think the reason is my unpredictability. God, help me to serve You and to love You. Help me to draw closer to You. My times are in Your hands. My days are written in your scroll. God, may this be a ritual, and may this ritual not disappear. Thank you Jesus. Free me from my addictions, from my sins and lead me in the way everlasting….

Why is it that man only seeks You when they have to? Surely You give them happiness; you give them joy, you give them provision, and they forget about You, they sin against You. No wonder perhaps I am stuck in where I am. You want to bless me, but when You do, I forget You. Forgive me O God. I recognize my sin. I recognize my downfall. Do not take my blessings away. Do not take my lamp away. Forgive me O God, and give me another chance. Please Jesus. Give me another chance. I am sorry.

… [not transcribed] Telling me that You are all I need.

Lord, I remember transcribing for my church and maybe that is how I’m transcribing my personal experiences with You. You are holy and you are righteous. There is no one besides You. Give me another chance O God, for I am trying, I am trying. I recognize my sin, I recognize my downfall. Help me to shift my body away from lust, away from wants, to needing You. Take away my pride O God. I have nothing to be prideful about, but rather, I have almost everything to be shameful about. Seeking You should be the normal condition, the normal state. I could seek You more; I could love You more, but I failed. But God, You are the One that I will always seek and help me to give more of You and less of me, help me to eventually do that, until it’s all for You and none of me or for me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

[continues but will end transcribing]

Help me to know You more Jesus; Help me to know You more O God. Your love is enduring / Like a ring of solid gold / like a vow that is tested / like a covenant of old.

Activity: Music video / Singing: Ever Be- Bethel

If I fall even though I seek You, how much more do other people who don’t seek You. Forgive us O God. Maybe not so much. I meant maybe other people may be more righteous than me. Because God, you gave me grace. That’s why, that’s how I can seek You. I sin more than those people who don’t seek You.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

[May continue but without transcribing]

5/23/2011: Another World

5/23/2011: Another World

S: 7:44pm
E: 7:55pm

Today is not a good day. Why? Because I am too focused on another world and not on this world which God has made. It’s my fault.

Today when I was eating at the DFAC, my mind began to think of how to write two articles that I really wanted to write. Once is from an online browser game, the other an important issue that I wanted to share in this world. So which world did I chose? I thought when I finished writing my Erepublik article, I will still have the brainpower to write my RL (real-life) one, but, I was wrong.

Just now, a nearby roommate kept his door open and played his music so loud that I can hear his music clearly with my door closed in my room. Having the courage to confront him, because he is also violating my space, I went out and told him to lower his volume. I told him, thanks to my youth pastor, that he has the freedom to listen to what kind of music he wants, but when that freedom interferes with my freedom, something is wrong. He listened and the music is now barely audible. I guess maybe I do have enough brainpower to write this article. Praise God, for his mercy is very great. I know that I can only do what God allows me to do.

9/24/09

9/24/09

S: 1730
E: 1734

I am totally at the Lord’s mercy now. My left hand hurts, and I am in pain. I am suffering and I.. am so alone. So isolated. Facebook does not help me. It seems like nothing can help me. Only God can help me. I am just going to pray and ask God for help. If life is too hard, I will just end my life, for my life is in God’s hands.

8/13/09

8/13/09

S: 7:34pm
E: 8:07pm

A day before my birthday, I reflected on my life. Looking at all the e-mails of my past that I treasured. I think about all my friends that moved on. I lost contact to all of them. I remember the sweet times when I had them. I regret the times when I refuse to follow God in my high school years beacuse I feel angry. I feel hopeless too. All these memories. All these failures. All these regrets.

My church forgot me. That’s only derserving of what I get because I forgot my church, too. I failed college. I deserved that too. I didn’t study, and I actually got better grades than I deserved. God’s mercy is very great. I failed to control my evil self. My evil desires. My evil flesh. I failed time and time again. Until my dad praticaly kicked me out.

I joined the Army because I failed college and my dad kicked me out. But a deeper reason is because I failed to worship God completely. I was still holding on to sin. I was still greatly sinning against God.

I got through so much pain as a result of my decision. So much hardship, so much pain, so much loneyness. But somehow, God still had mercy on me. On this poor wetched soul. He delieved me many times in BCT when I seeked Him. He helped me in AIT when I asked for help. Even through I wander away, God still forgave me and helped me. And in my unit too.

But still. I feel so alone. I feel so loney. I miss all my long ago, long past friends. I miss them. I love them. I want to talk to them. To connect with them again. To bless and love them again. To fellowship with them again. But time has done its damage. It is done. There is no turning back.

Oh how I wish I can live life again. How I wish I can just start over again. I tried to talk to God to give me another chance that way. To say, “God, if you can make me young again, I will change my ways. For now I see my mistakes. Now I see my sin.” But I can’t. God won’t let me. It’s not fair for others. It’s against His Law.

So now what am I to do? It is depressing. So real. I am nothing now. I watch as this world is heading to sin. I watch. I can only watch. And sometimes pray.

Lord, can you please help me. Lord, you know my pains, you know me oh Lord. Help and heal me. Even through I messed up in my early life. Lord, help me. Forgive me God. Please help me. Give me a second chance with people. Give me a second chance with other believers. I want to fellowship with them. I want to fellowship with my church. I miss them. They have forgotton me, and I deserved it. I deserved it.

I deserved everything in my life. All the major decisons I mean. The biggest mistake is that I failed to worship and love GOd completely. I failed HIm. I failed. Now I seek Him. Now I love Him. Now I worship and adore and ask HIm for help. BUt now is too late. It cannot undo the damage that I have done. I can’t just talk to these people, these friends of mine again. I have to make new ones but they are just not replacable. It’s not a plug and fix solution.

Lord, what am I to do? SHould I write a long, lengthy e-mail to all three groups asking them to forigve me and love me and cover me in again? What will they do? Will they think I’m crazy? What can I do? WHat can I say? What can I do to have them be with me again. I know God is with me, but I still love to worhsip God with my fellow believers.

I don’t know what to do. My birthday. It means nothing. It is just a cursed day to me. It is just a reminder of time passing. OH how I want to go back in time, if only just a few years. I think I can see my life now. A life of misrey, pain, sorrow, shame. A life alone. A loney life. People don’t understand this. They don’t understand, unless they really want to understand me. ANd they persist to. Then they might understand.

Now I’m thinking. Now I’m thinking the impossible. Death. I just want to die. After all, all my former support is gone. My church is gone. My old CHristian friends is gone. Even my high school friends is gone. Canaan is now just a distant friend to me. Just a memory of what a friend used to be. And its all my fault. My fault. I did not seek God. I did not follow GOd completely.

You know, maybe I should just go AWOL and spend the rest of my money in a secret place, just worshipping God, just praying to God, just seeking Him. ANd then my plan is to die. Once my money runs out, or I’m found out, I will die. Die. Sweet death, Sweet departure.

Is it too late for me Lord? Is it too late for me to have my old friends back? I could get new grain and new wine because the Bible said so. But can I get the ones I love back again? I don’t think so. I love them, I miss them terriably.

I think its hopeless. I think my life is just hopeless. I failed God. It’s too late for me. The war for my life was already lost. ALl the major battles have been fought early in my life. I lost almost all if not all of them. Now, I can win every battle, but still lose so much. Still lose the war.

I’m dispairing. I’m crying inside. I’m broken inside. I feel so hopeless. I just want to die. Say good bye. Just die.

WHo am I anyways? Am I not just a man God created? Am I not just a breath that passes away? Am I not just like a flower in the field that fades away?

I can’t live my life anymore. I don’t care about other people, other soldiers anymore. I just want to die.

I don’t want to made any new friends anymore. I just want my old friends back. My old friends from childhood. I want them back. Or I will be alone. I hate being alone. I hate to be by myself. I want to travel through life with my church friends. I want to suffer with them. TO cry with them. To laugh with them. TO do anything with them. Lord help me. Humor is just a drug to me now. It hides the truth of reality.

So when am I going to die? I’m going to die as soon as I safely could. I will travel to a remote location. I don’t care the damage I can do to my country. I failed myself.

I want to just worship God, give Him glory, and then die.