1/11/2011: Holy Spirit Rain Down

1/11/2011: Holy Spirit Rain Down

S: 8:51pm

E: 9:05pm

I was going to go to sleep because it’s past bedtime for me, but, I told myself that before I can go to sleep, I’m going to sing a 讚美之泉 song. I randomly chose to listen to “Holy Spirit Rain Down (聖靈降下恩雨).” It is when listening to this song that I felt compelled to write a discovery. Right now, I feel my body, soul, and spirit is in another civil war, this time, civil war to let Christ live instead of me. It’s going to take time. Slowly, as I give more of me to Christ, I can feel my desires to play games and the desires of my flesh decrease.

Today, I went to a MWR trip to Kuwait! It’s my first such trip and it’s.. wonderful. I visited the National Museum, a weaving museum, and the Kuwait towers. Lunch was expensive, but so delicious! When I got back in the afternoon, however, I was spent. I decided to play some computer games after uploading my December 2009 discoveries to my blog. Uploading has been a long process partly because I have so much journals and also because it’s emotionally touching to reread my past. I can feel myself, my feeling and thoughts, and see myself from my more closer-to-God perspective.

I played Hearts of Iron, this time, as Great Britain. However, although I felt I did pretty good, I felt I wasted so much time. Coming back from the MWR trip and being spent is no excuse to play games. I should seek my comfort and strength not in games but in God. Slowly, as I try to let Christ have more and more of me, I can eventually say that it is “no longer I, but Christ” who lives in me.

And also, the ring from God arrived yesterday!!! I’m going to record that special moment when I’m ready. Hopefully it will be soon.

聖靈降下恩雨

1. 聖靈降下恩雨    潔淨醫治我

我需要你    我需要你    你來充滿我

2. 聖靈因你的愛    我願意順服

我好愛你     我好愛你      愛你的同在

(副)

充滿我     充滿我      用那溫柔的愛光照我

充滿我     來充滿我      時刻都充滿我

 

Holy Spirit Rain Down

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

S: 8:03am

E: 8:58am

While reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I had it in my heart to sing Precious Corner several times. I felt, of the four children, I am most similar to Lucy and Edmund. Edmund messed up; he made mistakes, just like me. He always bothers and annoys other people, especially Lucy, and he even had the audacity to lie about the world he and Lucy been to. He became easily deceived by the smooth words of the White Witch and became addicted to her Turkish Delights, not knowing that the food she gave to him was enchanted which made Edmund want to eat and eat and never be satisfied. I was also deceived by the things of this world, the easy sins I can reach by computer, and being addicted to computer games. And it’s enchanted too: I can never play enough to reach satisfaction. The things of this world can never satisfy. Edmund became jealous and angry at his three siblings because he felt rejected, alone, and belittled. I felt angry at my friends and people, too. I stopped going to church in 9th grade for the same reasons Edmund had. And in my entire life, I never had many friends. I think people are mean, messed up, and evil but instead of loving them as God said, I went the other way, to my Witch castle and became enslaved by games and pornography. Once there, I suffered terribly, just as Edmund had to suffer. He never had his Christmas presents, just as I didn’t have many blessings because of my sins. I had to suffer in the Army, to go with the witch under freezing cold and forced marches. Little do I know that it was then, being bonded, that Jesus (Aslan) came and saved me and to appease the Deep Magic, which states that all traitors belong to the witch, Jesus took my place and died for me. I listened to the Stream of Praise song “Precious Corner” many times, singing and dancing, because God made me precious. I should have died, but Jesus died for me. In the end, Edmund fought for Aslan and did great things. He became King Edmund the Just because he learned the lessons of his evil ways and became wise. He was great in administering justice and giving counsel, skills that I’m starting to be good at, too.

Because God has made my life precious by saving me, it has always been in my mind to design a Precious Corner T-shirt for myself. I already have the designs in my mind and I can’t wait to start implementing it.

I feel I am like Lucy too. I tend to be innocent and inexperienced in this world. I tend to trust people and I get hurt if they betray me. I am soft and sensitive. I am also impulsive and tend to have a simple “Trust in God” approach in life. And one way God answers me is by giving me miracles.

The old Edmund is what my life used to be while the new Edmund is what I am going to be. Lucy is my personality, my outlook in life.

This is the part I left out from my last discovery. I had so much to write that I forgot this whole part. I need to love God and follow Him because He made my life precious. I’m precious because I’m precious to Him.

你有最珍貴的角落

 

謝謝你燦爛笑容

照亮我的天空

謝謝你分享心情

把我放在你心中

夜裡有時為寒冷

你我生根同暖土

友情是最亮的星

我的生命從此美麗

 

當你被花朵包圍盡情歡欣

我帶春風使你舞其中

當你正走在坎坷路

我會伴你在左右

一起向藍天歡呼

向白雲招手

我們要一起笑一起哭

千萬人中有個人懂我

你有最珍貴的角落

 

12/10/2010: Being me II

12/10/2010: Being me II

S: 5:16pm

E: 5:42pm

Many times, even though I want to write, I feel I don’t want to write. I would rather do something else that I want, like playing games. However, an incident happened today that makes me want to write. I have to write now, if not, my heart will burn within me. I need to write not just when I feel like it, but when I don’t, as long as it gives glory to God.

I will write from events of greatest importance to events of lesser importance.

I was sitting on one of my platoon’s truck, sulking away. My sergeant noticed it and kept asking me what’s wrong.

“Nothing, I’m good.” I would say, or “I’m fine.”

What I said is close to a half-truth. I am fine, as long as I try to follow God, He will be with me, and I will be fine. Another thing I was reluctant to open up is because I’m afraid my sergeant may use this information against me and I felt my troubled thoughts won’t change anything. Yet, another thing is I felt it is partly my fault. I should be stronger.

Earlier, when we dropped off the humvees, my sergeant did something that offended me. Well, it wasn’t just that incident that set it off, but the past. This was just like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I began to retreat to myself, alone, watching the sunset. I want to be alone. I can feel the quietness and the wind. I can feel peace. Some sergeants came to me and greeted me and started talking in my area, so I went to another area. I opened my Bible and began reading the book of Psalms. I cannot depend on my own strength, but on the limitless power of God. Later on, we got back on the truck and went to the front of the site. It was there when my sergeant talked to me.

I was resistant because I’m afraid. I’m not sure what he would do. I need to be careful. Yet, another part of me want to tell the truth, because it is the truth that sets people free. I told my sergeant that I need time to think. And then, I told him. I told him I didn’t know if it was my fault, his, or both. I told him there are times when I feel hurt dealing with people. It hurts me. I have to endure. When people attack me, not physically, but deeper inside, I feel hurt. Yet, my usual response is to endure the pain and rely on God. But, since my sergeant inquired, I told him the truth. He said who do you have trouble working with? Me? I told him yes. I told him it’s just my weakness, that I’m never good in the ways of this world and when people attack me, it hurts. But, since he asked what he needs to change, I added that he should be more loving, kind, and humble. I told him I prefer to work with nice people; people who are loving and humble, but, of course, in this world, that is not the case. He told me he tries to be nice and kind, and I told him yes. He told me the frustrations of working with me, that I simply do not know what everybody else should know: common sense. I also lack, since I hardly deal with people before the Army, the sense of people’s expectations of me. He told me I don’t really understand people because I’m so sheltered, but after he said that, I told him I feel I do know a bit about people, but I lack the sense. In basic training and AIT, I had the same problem. I would, despite my best effort, just not know what is going on or what to do. Towards the middle of basic, the drill sergeant assigned a “babysitter” to me so he can guide me. If I get smoked, he gets smoked along with me. If I run to block a street as a road guard, he has to run with me. It’s really painful to know that others seem to magically know what to do and I don’t. I told my sergeant my weaknesses, but I added that I am still growing in this world. I am still learning more about life and understanding people. All this, of course, implied, that I am also growing in spirit and truth.

My sergeant told me I’m too grounded in heaven and not on earth which is part of the reason why I am so clueless. What he said is true, but the big reason is simply because I don’t have people-sense. Although I understand people, thanks to the Bible, I can’t sense them. There are times when I can, but there are also times when I can’t and being in the military, it is important to know people’s expectations of me. I don’t really focus on people’s expectations, but on God’s expectations.

It’s hard; it’s tough to be me, to life my life. Everyone seems to be so blessed but me. They are better in the ways of this world than me, but, I must still follow God and do my best. I will still cry because people do hurt me, but I will still continue to love God and love people. It gets tough. It gets hard. But as long as God is with me and I can read my Bible (or read them in my mind), I will be alright in the end.

9/18/09

9/18/09

S: 11:03pm
E: 11:05pm

This is, of course, for me only. With God, I can do all things, but with him, I am afraid. I am really afraid. I cannot play computer games anymore, its is just a waste of time. And a waste of potential. And I lose time when I could have worshipped God.

Forgive me God, forgive me for playing computer games. I am just so weak. Forgive me. Give me another chance Lord, give me another chance. How can I play computer games when I know you have done so much for me? Forgive me Lord, please give me a second chance.

9/5/09

9/5/09

S: 9:41pm
E: 9:45pm

I don’t have time to waste my time. I decided to keep that on. But another more pressing thing is on me. I’m afraid. Afraid. I need to follow God and serve Him more. But I’m not sure if Facebook is really honoring God. I’m going to promise God that I’m just going to use Facebook once a day. Yes, once a day. Until I finish memorizing Psalms and Matthew. I still haven’t forgotten the promise. I am bound to my vow. It’s going to be painful and hard, but I must do it. I must be faithful to my Lord.

I’m afraid, afraid. Opening myself is a scary thing to do. I need to put a guard over my mouth. I need to watch myself. Be careful, be villigiant. Help me God. Protect me.

8/26/09

8/26/09

S: 8:27pm
E: 8:32pm

After writing so many entries on Facebook about my life, how I survived in the Army, and about my lack of social skills, I still want to vent out some more. Praise God though, He shall always be praised!

After all, its my fault that I lack social skills. I did not try to make friends in high school or in most of my life. It’s okay. No, actually its not. How can I connect with my friends if I lack social skills? Or maybe they kicked me out of their secret “club.” I feel like they banished me lol. It’s alright, God is the God of them, He is also the God of me. What matters is not whather I can impress my friends or not, what matters is that I trust and follow God.