12/10/2010: Being me II
Many times, even though I want to write, I feel I don’t want to write. I would rather do something else that I want, like playing games. However, an incident happened today that makes me want to write. I have to write now, if not, my heart will burn within me. I need to write not just when I feel like it, but when I don’t, as long as it gives glory to God.
I will write from events of greatest importance to events of lesser importance.
I was sitting on one of my platoon’s truck, sulking away. My sergeant noticed it and kept asking me what’s wrong.
“Nothing, I’m good.” I would say, or “I’m fine.”
What I said is close to a half-truth. I am fine, as long as I try to follow God, He will be with me, and I will be fine. Another thing I was reluctant to open up is because I’m afraid my sergeant may use this information against me and I felt my troubled thoughts won’t change anything. Yet, another thing is I felt it is partly my fault. I should be stronger.
Earlier, when we dropped off the humvees, my sergeant did something that offended me. Well, it wasn’t just that incident that set it off, but the past. This was just like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I began to retreat to myself, alone, watching the sunset. I want to be alone. I can feel the quietness and the wind. I can feel peace. Some sergeants came to me and greeted me and started talking in my area, so I went to another area. I opened my Bible and began reading the book of Psalms. I cannot depend on my own strength, but on the limitless power of God. Later on, we got back on the truck and went to the front of the site. It was there when my sergeant talked to me.
I was resistant because I’m afraid. I’m not sure what he would do. I need to be careful. Yet, another part of me want to tell the truth, because it is the truth that sets people free. I told my sergeant that I need time to think. And then, I told him. I told him I didn’t know if it was my fault, his, or both. I told him there are times when I feel hurt dealing with people. It hurts me. I have to endure. When people attack me, not physically, but deeper inside, I feel hurt. Yet, my usual response is to endure the pain and rely on God. But, since my sergeant inquired, I told him the truth. He said who do you have trouble working with? Me? I told him yes. I told him it’s just my weakness, that I’m never good in the ways of this world and when people attack me, it hurts. But, since he asked what he needs to change, I added that he should be more loving, kind, and humble. I told him I prefer to work with nice people; people who are loving and humble, but, of course, in this world, that is not the case. He told me he tries to be nice and kind, and I told him yes. He told me the frustrations of working with me, that I simply do not know what everybody else should know: common sense. I also lack, since I hardly deal with people before the Army, the sense of people’s expectations of me. He told me I don’t really understand people because I’m so sheltered, but after he said that, I told him I feel I do know a bit about people, but I lack the sense. In basic training and AIT, I had the same problem. I would, despite my best effort, just not know what is going on or what to do. Towards the middle of basic, the drill sergeant assigned a “babysitter” to me so he can guide me. If I get smoked, he gets smoked along with me. If I run to block a street as a road guard, he has to run with me. It’s really painful to know that others seem to magically know what to do and I don’t. I told my sergeant my weaknesses, but I added that I am still growing in this world. I am still learning more about life and understanding people. All this, of course, implied, that I am also growing in spirit and truth.
My sergeant told me I’m too grounded in heaven and not on earth which is part of the reason why I am so clueless. What he said is true, but the big reason is simply because I don’t have people-sense. Although I understand people, thanks to the Bible, I can’t sense them. There are times when I can, but there are also times when I can’t and being in the military, it is important to know people’s expectations of me. I don’t really focus on people’s expectations, but on God’s expectations.
It’s hard; it’s tough to be me, to life my life. Everyone seems to be so blessed but me. They are better in the ways of this world than me, but, I must still follow God and do my best. I will still cry because people do hurt me, but I will still continue to love God and love people. It gets tough. It gets hard. But as long as God is with me and I can read my Bible (or read them in my mind), I will be alright in the end.