23 June 2010

[written diary]

23 June 2010

S: 11:02pm

E:

Right now, I’m on guard duty and, as always, I’m very tired. I don’t understand why I’m so tired. Maybe it’s because of my low iron level. I’m going to the TMC to ask for iron supplements, yellow fever shot, and new glasses.

Wow, I, or we, discussed a lot of things while on guard duty. Man, I just want to write my main thoughts out. I hate this fucked up world. Maybe that’s one reason I’m seriously thinking about becoming a street preacher. Well, what am I going to preach about? How am I going to preach? I will simply trust in God to provide. I am willing to suffer the shame, pain, suffering, abuse, etc to spread the gospel. I may not know the answers, but I know God; I know Him who provides the answers.

Again, I hate this world. I hate its lust, its sin, its pleasures (esp. sex). It’s hurting innocent people, especaly children: God’s law is written to give us happiness, but man has decided to go his own way.

The many movies I watching now all teaches sin. The one thing they focus on is profits. They worship money, not God. I think one criteria to ask for any movies or media is what do they worship? The movie my battle buddies are watching now, and praise God I forgot the name, are filled with sex secenes. It’s filled with humor, sex, and other worldly values. Why are worldly values bad? It angers me to eve have to answer this question. It’s bad because you know it’s bad. Deep inside each of us, we know, thanks to our conscience, that it’s bad.

Funnyness doesn’t give any reason to do anything. Funnyness actually pleases the flesh, thus, it leads many people, unknownly, to sin. Why are so many things that are funny evil in nature?

And of course I am resisting the desires of my sinful flesh. I hate this world. I hate what this world is teaching its inhabientents. I don’t care if I get beat up or if I stutter. I will preach open-air. If I’m defeated, I take solace in the fact that I did.

Of course I have my dreams and wants, but I must must please God first. I want a girlfriend but God’s work must be done first. He knows it all.

Wow, I’m so tired. Whew. If only I have the strength to write freely, but then, If I do, I might just play computer games. So pitful am I! I must stop playing games. I have a lot of writing and catching up to do on Facebook.

Life is not about entertaining men, but angels :) .

I shouldn’t have played Bang! after church. I should have formed a group about how to reach people on the streets, and if nobody wants to or seems interested, to do it myself.

6-9-04

{written diary}

6-9-04   10:53pm-11:04pm

Well, I just finished brushing my teeth.  Too bad I can’t wash Julia’s teeth.  I always hate myself the most right after I played a lot of computer games.  Then why do I play it then?  I don’t know.  It starts out like honey but ends up being a dagger.  I’m so addicted to games.  I need a lot of help.  I need to talk to my school conceller.  Maybe he can help me about this.  I know that adding “about this” is not nesscary but I decided to add it anyways because I feel like to.  I always get these crazy superstutions such as touching something 3 or 9 times, rubbing my feet on the doorhill 3 times or other things.  I don’t know if there is something wrong with me.  Okay.  I keep having to earse my writing and I keep messing up because I am tired and my mind is not aleart.  But even then, I still want to play games.  I can play until I am so tired that I cannot play anymore.  I am practilly killing myself and my future.  I need help. Where can I find help?  Is there anyone to help me?  Also, I can’t wait to receive my yearbook.  I can look at all the girls I like.  I know that’s messed up but no girls likes me.  I think my health is failing too.  I love clean air!

11-14-03

11-14-03 Satuday
12:14 pm

Hello, my name is Steven Yeh. I love to swim, play my computer games… Lol, heh. Anyways, yesterday night I dreamed of many dreams. Since I waited a long time, I think
I forgot alot of them, but I’ll tell you what I remembered (or else I’ll forgot what I remembered too, but sometimes I remember dreams years ago. Example: Karen … dream?
Exactly, but I wrote that dream down so thats why I remembered. I got the idea of writing things down when I read those Herny Suger Books. The author wrote his thoughts and
ideas down so thats how he remembered. Heh, smart guy, so thats why I started to write down my intersting dreams. I love to dream, dream is my link to fanisties and my
imagination. What I cannot do in this nervous world, I could do it by dreams and be imagation. Too bad theres no device that can take what you are picturing in your mind and
put it on TV. That would be awesome! Anyways, I need to tell you my dream. I have plenty of time and I’m very bored even though I still have all my homework and catch up to
do. This is my dream: I was in Chinese class. I am in my regular seat, but Jenifier is sitting left of me. (aghhh… Trying to remember the details…) Oh ya, I started to
put my arms around her (a hug) and kissed her cheek. She then said something like “I don’t know you that much….” It was a wonderful feeling. Holding her beautful face
(speelingggg!) around me and kissing her (why everytime I type “kiss” i always type “kill” first???) That is my fanisty. Then it outside my house in the yard in front of the garage.
(Where the basketball court is.) There is a line of people waiting for lunch. For lunch, there is a famous bread. I waited in line. I just remembered the song: I’m standing in line
to see the show to tonight, not even I could, heavy glow, I’m standing in line to see the show tonight not even I could… waiting for!… Heh, lolz, anyways Jenifer came
and asked if I can buy lunch for her too, I say yes, and she left. When it’s my turn at the lunch stand, I got one famous bread, another piece of bread (maybe cupcakes), and
some other food stuff that looks okay-good. When I’m going in my house at the back door, I forgot to buy her a lunch, so I waited in line again. And then I got her lunch and
I gave it to her. Jenifer came back from the blue gate can came to me. I asked her where did she go, she told me that she went to see guys fight (I think thats what she said).
I then just gave my lunch to Jennifer, and thats pretty much it. (I think) Next time, I should have written my dream down on a piece of paper first and then transfer it on
my computer. That would have been a better idea. But strangly, I never dreamed of Ruby today. Very strange. I remember the night I dreamed. Before I dozed and slept, I was
saying to myself that she doesn’t love me anymore, that I am too low for her, and that Jack said “Be careful” made her resist. Oh well, my relationship with Ruby is over, but
is it really over? I still want to come back to her. My heart ache for her. I need her love. Why can this happen? I read the calander (7 steps…) and on one day it says that
if you never go out of your comfort zone, you will have a safe but BORING LIFE. The book (I think or is it the big one?) then said to said to ask a girl on a date. 0.00000000
00000000000000000000000001 second after I read that, I though of Ruby. Maybe I should reach out of my comfort zone and tell her? But what will she say? What will she do?
Wouldn’t be weird? Like incbee, or bumble bee. Lol (slim shady song). Ya, I agree, the calander said that in fact, most of your life should be spent at the comfort zone, but
you have to try to go out to have a more intersting life. Ya, James … said I was “boring” many times. “Your boring” he would say and I would do nearly everything (at that
time) to impress him and to think that I’m not “boring.” I agree what James said. I am boring, lol, staying at my computer all day and playing games. Heh, very boring, but
to me it’s not boring because if it is boring, I would have done something else, and if that something else was boring, I would again do something else. So how can James …
say that I am boring? (By the way, he said “boring” in 8 or 9th grade) Becaue if I AM boring, I would have done something else. I would have felt bored and do something else
anyway, so what I thinking is that he thinks the stuff I am doing is boring to HIM, not me. So that means he is more intersting than me. He is also very good at ddr. I mean
at my peak, I can only try 5 feet, but James at that time can do up to 7 or 8. Crazy krazy James. He is also in my Chemistry Class. Sigh, I’m always so boring, so dumb, not
good enough for Ruby, and all that? Even Java I have problems. You know, why do God create me for? What is my gifts, my one talent? But I remember the joy of helping and
serving people to make a difference. I love defferences to peoples lives. Such has helping Mr.Fong grade papers. I am using my junk time helping him so that he won’t waste
his very precious time doing junk (basic) stuff. Heh, he can grade much much faster than me so one second of his time is like twenty or thirty of mines. Ricdious! And Ricious
again! WTF can’t I spell. I suck at everything I do? Forget about Ruby, forget about “I love Ruby.”

11-13-03

11-13-03
5:16 pm

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, I can’t wait to write about you. Even writing the date and the time was fustring. I love you so much Ruby. You are in my
dreams, in my hearts, in my life. Ruby, you will always be in my life, I love you to my death. Ruby, there are only three words I can say right now:
I love you. So in love with you. I love you. Sigh, Ruby, I need you. Today afterschool, I went to Mrs. Solid’s room to get the appcation for the Rotary
Leadership Awards. I don’t think I’ll be selected to go because only three girls and three guys can go, and they must be a junior. Too bad you can’t go
too Ruby, I love you. I also picked up a tutoring application for La Casa. I thought maybe I can use my strong math skills to help students who are behind
and need help. Like I say earlier, many of these students are on their edge. Ruby, do you want to help them? We can work together. You are excellent in
geometry (my sister told me that), and I’m excellent in AlgebraI and II (I hope so). We can work together, Ruby. We can help them. We can make a difference
in their lives plus we can love each other just as God has loved us. Ruby, I want to kiss you, I want to touch your wonderful face. I love you so much Ruby.
You are the reason why I started to write this diary. You told me that you are third best in tennis, wow, I mean great! You are so good in everything you do.
I mean I wish I had more talant as you. Oh I forgot to tell you the talent story. It is from the Bible (yes, I used to go to church). The talent story is
(my version): One day a king decided to travel to another country. He called up his three servents and gave one of them ten, the second five, and the third
only one talents. (Don’t know what it’s called talents. In that time, it is a sort of money, but I think it as acutal “talents” lol) The servent who recieved
ten talents went and bought a chicken farm. He raised chickens and sold it and their eggs. He earned ten more talants. The second servent with the five
talents went and bought a restruant ( I can’t even spell that!!!). He earned five more. However, the person with the one talent decided to dig a hole and put
the money in. Thats really sad, the person, although low in talents did not use his gift. When the king finally came back, he called his first servent with
the ten talents and that person gave him his share plus ten more he earned. The king saluted and congrads him. He gave him control of ten cities. The second
servent with the five talents came and he gave the king’s share of five plus the five talents he earned. The King cheered him and gave him control of five
cities. Then finally, the king called the third servent with only one talent. He have his talent back but earned none. He said that he know his master is cruel
and harsh, and he is afraid of him, so he dug it in a hole. Then the king said take the one talent that he has and give it to the man with the ten talents. Then
he told his guards to kill him. That story teaches lots of morals. The first one is that in life, even fear is not a reason why you are not performing at your
best (in my own words) and the second one is that life is unfair. God gave some people ten talents, to some he gave five and also to some he gave only one
(ppl like me). Ruby, you have ten talents I only have one. I think about life, and sometimes I think about unfairness. Why can’t everyone have the same amount of
talents? Why is it that some people have ten, some have five and for me, only one? That proves the saying “All men are created equal” as wrong. Why because all men
are NOT equal and they will never will be. Some people are more talanted at arts, others at math and english, and even some are given many gifts such as the power
to heal, the power of multiple languages, the power to kill (so sad but it’s true), and so forth. So Ruby, if you don’t love me I will understand. I’m not good
enough for you but at least I will try. Why? Cause I will fail 100% if I don’t try. And second, I love you the second I saw you. I am a virgin, I love no one else
but you. Tu o Nadie, which in Spainish means “You or noone.” That is how I feel. I love you Ruby.