11/16/2016: MDWG

11/16/2016: MDWG (My Date With God)

10:29pm – 10:40pm (session continues)

God, I’m here to say thank you for your love, your everlasting love, your love for all generations.

God, I thank you for today, I thank you for opportunities, I thank you that I can meet and fellowship with my Christian brothers and sisters.

God, even if my mind all of a sudden have scales, I know that you shine a pure clear light. Today, I faced so much temptations and attacks, but what kept me going is remembering your Word, when you said to seek first the kingdom of God and you will provide everything. Today, my pastor talked about seeking you first, that you are the eternal portion. Everything else we do is not as important as actually spending time and seeking You and loving You. Help me God, to do your will, and not mine, for my heart is deceitful. There is no one good but God alone.

God, I thank you for your supernatural opportunities today. It was so close but when talking to myself and thinking, I told myself that You are worth it, that any attempt with You is worth it. God, you are my portion, you are my strength, you are my comforter, you are my deliverer.

I face so much attacks but I know that You are my one thing, that You are the most important thing, that through You, I have my everything. Help me God, to be consistent, to worship and serve You and minister to You day and night. Let incense arise.

I know God, that even with man’s eyes, with Steven’s eyes, it seems impossible, I know that with You all things are impossible. As long as we are alive, we are under Your grace.

So God, please bless us and forgive us, and teach us. Help us that people may come back to You.

(session continues)

11/14/2016: MDWG

11/14/2016: MDWG (My Date with God)

11:09pm – 11:37pm (session continues)
God, I come before You, so unworthy. Today is meant to be the day that I publish earlier versions of my dates with You, but Lord, I still struggle so much. The only thing that keeps me from greater sin is my desire to seek You above anything I want and to honor and respect my Christian brothers and sisters. If I have said thus, David said, I would have betrayed your children. But, surely God is good to Israel. Surely God is good to me.

Tell me the old old story. Help us God, protect us God. Times are going to get darker. How so, one may ask? It’s spiritual darkness, it’s evil, its’ choosing to be selfish, choosing to not love people and hating, and disrespecting God, your Creator. Remember not the sins of my youth and lead me to the way everlasting.

Tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story, of Jesus and His love. The only thing that I regret more than not fellowshipping with my Christian brothers and sisters is not fellowshipping with You. So help me God, to seek You more. Despite all the negativity, despite all my circumstances, despite all my seemingly hopelessness and failures, You are still my God and the God I love. You are the God I know.

All the songs that I posted in my past life, I can’t bear to look at them because something is not right with my relationship with You. Tell me the old old story. Tell me, Lord, of Jesus and your love. Remind me, remind us, O Lord, of what You have done for us. Of what You have suffered for us.

My blog, this blog, O Lord, is my story with You. Whether my stories are good or bad, it is still all about You. You own this blog, you own my discovery, you own my little dream.

Everyone can hate me, O God, everyone can ignore me; I can be an outcast, but I will still seek You and worship You. Jesus, put fear, holy fear, in those who do wrong, in those who plan evil, in those who are selfish. What is evil? It is being selfish. It is not saying more of You and less of me. Lord, more of You and less of me God. More of your desires and less of mine. More time spending with You and less time with mine. Jesus, your story is above our stories. Your plan is above our plans. Your ways is above our ways.

God I thank You for Your ways and Your plans. Lord, even if I’m not fully prepared, I’m still going to share your love with everyone. Even if my sword is still very dull, I will still pick up my sword and fight for love. Because as long as I seek You and follow You, you will hold me and watch over me. My feet will not dash against a stone. You will hold me in your right hand. Yes, it will be painful, and yes, it may be shameful, because I am ill-equipped, but what matters is I give my life to fight for your cause, in whatever capacity that I am capable in or best in, even if my best, O God, sucks.

Help me, God, not to be distracted by my own desires, by the present without You, and by other people whose plans don’t include You. God, I’m a man that is easily distracted. If I’m a soldier, what would happen? Lord, what will happen? I will lose but not die, until my time is up, thankfully, because the God I serve and worship is the God of life. And God will raise me up again and give me another chance. No Lord, it’s not a second chance, I long have wasted that, it’s my gazillion chances. But each time I fight for You and for love, which love comes from God, I will get better and better, thanks and all honor to You. But it will be painful, but You will carry me if I can’t go on. You, O God, see my heart, and you know when I’m at my limit, my limit without distractions, my limit while fully seeking You.

Thank You God for your mercy, thank You God for your grace. Thank you God for giving me opportunities. For you are the God of chances, you are the God of everything good. May all praise and honor be to You. May my life be less of me and more of You, less of me and more of You. My ways do not seek You completely but You want us to give You everything so we can have everything. Thank You Jesus. Tell us the old old story.
Song: Tell me the old old story- Hymn,

(session continues)

 

11/12-13 (night of)/2016: MDWG

11/12-13 (night of)/2016: MDWG

12:56am – 1:35am

God, I thank You for today. For everything that You have done for me. For giving me hope. Lord…. But You still love me. …

I guess the most important thing is to try even if I will fail. Thank You God. … Jesus, my desires are an open field before You. You know my song.

[I felt a sense of dread but speaking in tongues and saying the God of Peter is my God among other affirmations helps to dispel it. Also prayed for protection against retaliation. Came when I decided to get my 2016 petitions.] Father God, .. my petitions lie before You.

Protect us O God. I feel something dark, something dark that is coming in the world. It’s nice to know I’m not alone found my home here in Your arms. Or my life. Take my sword and fight for love.

Times are going to get darker, O God, but help us O God, to pick up our swords and fight for love. Prepare us O God. Ready us O Lord and keep us readied. Help us to dance with You Jesus. Protect us Jesus, protect us O God. I found a home here in Your arms.

So Jesus, protect us O God, protect us from the dark times. Jesus, bring us back to You, bring us back to You O God. I remember the times of evangelism, O God. I can look back to those times. The memorable moments of my life are with You and other believers. The memorable moments of my life is when I decided to pick up my sword to fight for love. Thank You Jesus for your mercy, Thank You God for your grace. Forgive us O Lord. Forgive us O God. You are the God who saves me. Help us to dance with You.

Thank You God. I feel safe; I feel happy with You. May my home be in Your arms. Thank You Jesus. May your songs, may your praise never end.
Songs listened: We Dance- Bethel,

11/11/2016: MDWG (My Date with God)

11/11/2016: MDWG (My Date with God)

11:45pm – 11:59pm (session continues but transcribing ends)

Father God, I know it’s late, but it’s never too late for You. I know I’m tired; I want to go to sleep, but I will allow no rest to my eyelids until I seek You. You are the God that keeps me dancing, You are the God that keeps us alive. Thank You Jesus, thank You God.

Lord, give me that old time religion, give me your benefits of old for it is better to have what You give, no matter how little, than lavish gifts from men. God, help me to seek You and to love You. You are my first love God, You are the One who carries me. You carried me through the Army, you carried me through my distresses. You are the God that carries me. All I need to do is to let You carry me and to submit to You.

Lord, I thank You for today. I thank You that I can help people today. I thank You for giving me opportunities today. For You are the God of opportunities and second chances. You use men to be a blessing to other men. You use people to be a blessing for others. Thank You God.

Lord, although my troubles and stress are great and many, help me to keep my eyes on You. With You Lord, I can walk on water. It doesn’t matter the waves of life, of trials, of tribulations, of hate, of misunderstanding, of shame, of anything that is evil and that impedes, as long as my eyes are fixed on You, it matters not the height nor the depth, it matters not if it’s raining or sunshine outside, as long as my eyes, my spiritual eyes is on You, You will carry me through.

I am weak O Lord, I am fallible but as long as I seek You and love You and follow You, as long as I try and do my best to try, as long as follow the pillar by night and the cloud by day, You will lead us, lead me, to your Promised Land, You will lead us, lead me, to our destiny.

All the nation’s labor are in vain. You are the foundation. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Everything good comes from You. Forgive us, O God, and heal us. Bless those who served You and honored You. May they enjoy their fruits of peace and abundance. May they enjoy the goodness of Your love. May You also bless our country and all the nations of the world, that they may fight not for their own country, but for the God of countries. May You bless those who serve You and who love You.

Jesus, You know my name and I thank You. You know our names and we thank You. Jesus loving Jesus, sweetest name I know, fills my every longing, keeps me singing as I go.

God, teach us Your ways and our sins and bring us back to You. Treat us, O Lord, as You did with Israel, that through You punished her, You were not willing to totally destroy her because You loved her, you loved her with an everlasting love. Bring us back to You. Bring our hearts and our minds and our souls back to You. Thank you God. Thank you Jesus.

(session continues but transcribing ends)

 

sunset_112707_1024

11/9/2016: MDWG

11/9/2016: MDWG

10:24pm – 11:11pm (session continues but transcribing ended)

God, I am here today to love You, to spend time with You, to seek You. God, we really need to seek Your Face. We really need to worship You, to love You. Thank You Jesus for giving me an opportunity today to spend time with You and to worship You. In the negativity of this world, God is my only light.

God, I ask for protection and safety for this country, that this nation, under God, can do the right thing. That this nation can turn to You. That the nations of the world can seek You, can be found by You. May you bless Israel O God, protect her from all her troubles.

Help us O God, to chase You. You know us by name. Forgive me O God.

People may break their promises but help me to keep mine. You’re everything that we need God. Help me to run after your heart. Forgive us O God, and heal us. Teach us to follow Your ways, O God, for your ways are good, and your ways are true.

Jesus, you love us so much. I don’t understand Your love; I don’t understand this love. Why do You love us so much? Help me God, to fathom the depths of your love. God, I still doubt, I still lack faith, I still am faithless. But God, I know You are my God and my provider. You are my Jehovah Jira.

So Jesus, I thank You for give me abilities. I thank you for blessing me. Even if all you give me is a little ewe lamb, God, help me to still love You and give thanks to You, and be loyal to You because however You give, O God, you give with love and peace, and fairness, and justice. What You give is enough for me. You are enough for me. Help me to say that You are all I need, You are all I want, You are all I seek. My heart says of You seek His face, Your face Lord, I will seek.

God, I pray O God, for all the displaced Christians around the world, for those that bear Your mark that are suffering, in chains, in bondage, in pain, in torture. God, may you comfort them and bless them and protect them. I know You will do all that but may you do a little more for them because of my prayer. Thank you God for giving me the ability to pray and to spend time with You. Again, it is late at night, again, I could have done better, but my God is changing me and someday perfect I will be.

You will be praised. No matter what happens You will be praised. Help me God, to say Your praise will ever be on my lips.

Help me to love You God, help me to worship You. Surely the things of this world is folly, surely the things of this world grows old. But You, O Lord, never grow old. And You live in a land that will never grow old.

God, I think of my people, my comrades, those I once enjoyed sweet fellowship with, those that I haven’t matured and expressed my true self with. Those that I made mistakes with. Those that I was brainwashed with. Those that I didn’t show my true self with. God, it’s very difficult for me to express my true self with people. You know, it’s like I can’t speak to people but I can almost always speak or always speak to You. I’m more comfortable talking to You than to other people. But God, I can mess up, I can make all the mistakes of this world with these people, but Lord, just help me to continue to love them and to pray for them. To bless them and not curse them, to honor them and to just pray for them. If I suck at talking to them or being in their presence, help me then to talk to them in Your presence, help me to talk to You in behalf of them. I said before, O God, that they don’t have to like me, in fact, they can hate me, as long as they love You, as long as they love God. They don’t have to love me, they just have to love You. I will try to love them and to bless and pray for them, to the best of my limitations and weaknesses. Why? Why am I doing this? Because You are the God that overcomes our weaknesses. Because You are the God that made us and love us all. Because You are our Savior and our God. You are my Savior and God.

Lord, it’s ok if people read this, under one condition, that I remain faithful and loyal to You. That I continue to love and seek You. Lord, I backslid, I forgot, I went away, astray, even escape, even betrayed You, but You still somehow call me back with love. Sometimes with love, sometimes with guidance, sometimes with discipline, sometimes in clouds of rain, or fire, or wind, or water, or in silence, or in good days. But, God, You always call me back or maybe I decide to seek You back, but what makes me to seek You, to long for You? Isn’t it your mark that you put in me? Your fingerprint in me? Your love in me? Your power in me? Your mercy and grace in me? Your everything good in me?

…But You are the God who holds tomorrow. You are the God who holds our hands. Lord, just as some people ask to just have You, Lord, I just want to have a peaceful and quiet place and maybe safe place where I can spend time with You. I show my love through time. I show my love through actions. Heh, help me God, to show love in everything.

Sometimes there is a thin line between hypocrisy and genuineness, but we really try to seek and to follow You. Father God, I pay you lip service, but You see my heart O God, I really do what to seek You and love You. Why am I doing what I do if it’s not for You? … If that’s the case, help me to be consistent God, for You are a never-ending, never-changing God. I enjoy spending time with You, I enjoy loving You. Help me God, may this be for all-times.

I can fail my classes O God, but let me not fail You. Thank you Jesus; Thank you God.

I will be the Steven that I will never be.

Songs listened: Chasing You- Bethel, Ever Be- Bethel, Wonder- Bethel, I Love You Anyway- Holly Starr

[session continues but transcribing ended]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11/4/2016, 11/6/2016

11/4/2016

9:30pm –

Opening (Songs: All I ask- Meredith Andrews, Constant- Holly Starr:

God, today is another close call. But, I want to worship You today, to show You that I love You more than satisfying my desires. Even if my desires are debatable and not wrong, God, I still want to seek You. You know, when I don’t know what to do, I will worship and seek You. God, I love You more. I know I made mistakes; I know I messed up, everday, but, You.

Lord, only You can give me what I want. If I want any of these things, God, the best way is simply to seek and to ask You, just like Solomon. I don’t need to play games, I don’t need to pressure myself. You are my constant.

Even if my desires are not wrong, I still want to seek You because I love You.

 

11/6/2016: My Date with God

10:37pm – 11:04pm

[Note: Not every day or everything will be transcribed because transcribing may distract me from seeking God.]

Father, [my times are short] so I better make this count. If I have to transcribe, O God, then I will write this: Help me to know that You are God. Release the scales from my eyes. Surely, what You have done, about life, there is a God, and it is a God who loves life.

 

 

 

 

11/2/2016: My Date with God

Footnote (11/15/2016): I’ve second thoughts about posting this but this is a project and if I don’t I will lose momentum. This shows that we are all sinners and that we all need forgiveness. What matters is not how much you sin but whether you return to God and repent.

[delayed posting on facebook]

11/2/2016: My Date with God

12:05am – 12:44am
Opening: Father, I’ve sinned against You. I have sinned against you. Forgive me O God, for your mercy is very great. You gave me abilities; you gave me talents, you gave me gifts, you gave me wonders, you gave me friends, thank you Father. For you are good and everything about You is good. Jesus, today is going to be a very short session, forgive me God, because it’s so late. God, you the sins of my heart. Surely the heart is deceitful above all things. Surely [she] is right in saying that the heart is deceitful. God, I almost made today a holy day, it was so close. Why Lord, does it have to be an all-or-nothing day? Forgive me God, for I live to please You. I will try again when I wake up O God, for your mercies are new everyday. Your grace is new everyday. Thank you so much for what you have done for me. Thank you so much for what you have done in my life.

God, I ask that you forgive me and wipe away my sins. Just as you will wipe away every tear from people’s eyes, every sorrow, every depression, every bondage, every sufferings, every tribulations. God, forgive me. I repent. I will follow You and seek You. Surely the heart is deceitful.

God, I was thinking about playing a song, a melody, because it’s my tradition or maybe a habit, or maybe because a part of me still wants to worship You, but how can I play music when I just sinned against You? Surely sin not only keeps people away from You, it also limits the worship that people may give You.

[Speaking in tongues]

God, I thank You that I have the ability to speak in tongues. I thank You that you gave me the ability to support and to help people. That’s my specialty. Through helping others, my soul, myself becomes stronger. I become strong through service. Thank You God, and help me to serve You. With You, there is a never-ending amount of service. You are worthy of all the praise. You are worthy of all the honor; you are worthy of everything. Everything good. I can always pray. I can always fast. I can always seek You. I can always talk to You. I can always sing to You. I can always pray and intercede for others. Thank you God.

Father You know, there was time when, in my pride perhaps, I thought to myself in the military that I am the only one that seeks You; that I am the only one that follows and loves You. God, now I know that I’m not the only one that gives praise, that I’m not the only one that loves You. That, in fact, my church, many people, surpass me in devotion to You. Surely the heart is deceitful. Surely I am like an unpredictable wave, tossing and turning, an unpredictable ship.

God, help me to spend time with You. Help me to love You. Why do I wait for the last minute, past the last minute to worship You, to spend time with You. Why do I give you my lastfruits and not my firstfruits? Not all of it.

Jesus, you are holy God, and Your ways are holy. Your ways are righteous. Father, forgive me, and wipe away my stains. Wipe away my fears. Wipe away my sorrows, my depression, my sadness. Thank you God. Help us O Lord, for we need You. I lack the ability to actively evangelize and I think the reason is my unpredictability. God, help me to serve You and to love You. Help me to draw closer to You. My times are in Your hands. My days are written in your scroll. God, may this be a ritual, and may this ritual not disappear. Thank you Jesus. Free me from my addictions, from my sins and lead me in the way everlasting….

Why is it that man only seeks You when they have to? Surely You give them happiness; you give them joy, you give them provision, and they forget about You, they sin against You. No wonder perhaps I am stuck in where I am. You want to bless me, but when You do, I forget You. Forgive me O God. I recognize my sin. I recognize my downfall. Do not take my blessings away. Do not take my lamp away. Forgive me O God, and give me another chance. Please Jesus. Give me another chance. I am sorry.

… [not transcribed] Telling me that You are all I need.

Lord, I remember transcribing for my church and maybe that is how I’m transcribing my personal experiences with You. You are holy and you are righteous. There is no one besides You. Give me another chance O God, for I am trying, I am trying. I recognize my sin, I recognize my downfall. Help me to shift my body away from lust, away from wants, to needing You. Take away my pride O God. I have nothing to be prideful about, but rather, I have almost everything to be shameful about. Seeking You should be the normal condition, the normal state. I could seek You more; I could love You more, but I failed. But God, You are the One that I will always seek and help me to give more of You and less of me, help me to eventually do that, until it’s all for You and none of me or for me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

[continues but will end transcribing]

Help me to know You more Jesus; Help me to know You more O God. Your love is enduring / Like a ring of solid gold / like a vow that is tested / like a covenant of old.

Activity: Music video / Singing: Ever Be- Bethel

If I fall even though I seek You, how much more do other people who don’t seek You. Forgive us O God. Maybe not so much. I meant maybe other people may be more righteous than me. Because God, you gave me grace. That’s why, that’s how I can seek You. I sin more than those people who don’t seek You.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

[May continue but without transcribing]

2016.8.≈12: To Forgive

2016.8.≈12: To Forgive

At about the same time last year, I had the best birthday present. It was Friday then and I was called to do powerpoint for the worship at my church. They simply appointed it to me; I didn’t request it. I was so happy. There’s nothing better than to be at my family, serving them, on my birthday, to listen and sing songs of hope and to worship and glorify God. I was still training but, on that day, I did most, if not all, of the work. You can read the rest of my best day in this blog: http://stevenyjesus.blogspot.com/2015/08/8142015-day-to-change-year.html. By looking briefly at that blog a year ago, I forgot to add that I also went to intercession, which is like a prayer session, with worship music in the background. One of the things I regret is not attending intercession, but I somehow was able to attend it that day. :) And I had work (at the call center, ugh, but I had, for some reason, nicer customers as well). I was fireblazin’ that day.

I am forgiving many members of my former church.  A sister from my church told me that, regardless whether the offense is real or imagined, I need to forgive them. This means that even if the other party doesn’t recognize that they offended me, I still need to forgive them. Even if they think they don’t need forgiveness, I still need to forgive them.

And forgiveness is not: OK, you offended me before, I forgive you but I’ll keep you at arms’ length and, from now on, I won’t be close or personal with you anymore. No! That is not how God forgives. When God forgives, our sins are washed whiter than snow. When God forgives, our relationship with Him is completely restored. It is like it was before.

I will forgive and love those who hurt me, whether it’s by omission or commission and whether it’s mutually recognized or not. If I contact them again, I will love them and try to hug them. If they invite me, I will seriously consider attending that church again.

9/29/2013: I’m Back! and I will only be able to be back with God

9/29/2013: I’m Back! and I will only be able to be back with God

S: 11:50pm
E: 12:37am

[written]

I know I haven’t written an entry in about a month. Maybe I should write more often. I think one thing that is keeping me from writing is the fact that I can see how many views from other people in my blog. In this blog, this discovery, I hardly get any viewers and it discourages me from writing. Why should I write if nobody reads them? I know my motivation for writing should be because of myself. And I know that the greatest beneficiary of writing, personal writing, should be me.

[typed]

I know in this world, I can only trust God. God will always know and will always love while people can change their minds. I need God and other people to prosper but I only need God to survive. By surviving, I mean having eternal life and thus being alive. When this world is so cruel and injustice so prevalent, or when life is good, in both times, I can always talk to God who understands me. When people refuse to understand each other, when many people find enjoyment in hate, God gives me the wisdom and logic to counter them. When I lose, it is because I didn’t have God. When I win, it is because God is with me. And I count what other people see as a loss with God as a win. With God, I win.

I want to start writing more again. I want to increase my view count. I can try, but it is really God who makes me succeed. Thus, even though I want to increase my view count, I will try not to worry about it because part of the equation, or most of it, is out of my control. I will focus on what I can do. What I can do to increase my viewcount is to write regularly. So, I will try to write every Saturday for my readers.

I know whatever I do, and I think whatever people do, there will be people who disagree with me, and there are some people who want me to fail. I know one person who wants not just me but everyone human to fail is Satan. He tried to fail Adam and Eve from the beginning and, thanks to God, Adam and Eve prevailed.

There is a myth which states that people without many friends or connections or a good job have little influence in the world. That myth may be partially true, but in one context, it is wrong. Every Christian, regardless of who many friends or connections that person has, could be a powerhouse. A Christian is someone who loves God and if that Christian were to spend his time praying, he or she can move mountains. Some people may say that a Christian without “connections” or friends will be less powerful but I somewhat disagree. Relationship with God is more important that a Christian’s relationship with his or her friends. A good relationship with God gives the Christian spiritual power and the spirit is higher and stronger than the world. Other people may say that in order to have a good relationship with God, one needs to have a good relationship with people. That is somewhat true. The Bible tells believers to love God and to also love people. However, a good relationship with people and having many human friends are not the same thing. One can have many human friends not because of that person’s character but because of worldly traits such as wealth, prestige, power, etc. What matters is that the person is kind and loving to other people. As long as that person is kind and loving, no matter how few or how many friends that person has, he or she has a good relationship with people. But, we must not forget the Source. What makes a person kind and loving towards people? It is because that person is overwhelmed by the loving-kindness of God.

I can continue to write but I am trying to sleep at a semi-decent time. I have a prayer meeting from Intervarsity at 11pm and I want to go. I tried to go last week but I woke up at 11pm :(

8/26/2013: Strategy

8/26/2013: Strategy

S: 10:35pm
E: 11:38pm

[written]

I am trying or I want to write a journal entry for each day. There are a lot of things I want to write about but I will just write about things that are currently on my mind.

I need to sleep soon because tomorrow is my first day of the Social Work program.

I have a radar. Everyone has a radar. The radar tells each person where the most important things are or the priorities of life. I praise God that I have a (mostly) clear radar picture. I have a clear picture because I have wisdom that comes from God.

My life strategy, my niche is that of a tatictian. Different people have their own special niches and my advantage is that, while there is no concentration for me, I can apply it in my day-to-day life.

Seeing things and being able to do those things or tasks are two different things.

[typed]

In one way, I suck at seeing things. Things hit me before I see them coming. That is true of me when I was in basic training in the Army. I see other soldiers doing important things and I don’t understand why they are doing them. Or, I don’t get what my drill segearents teach me while everybody else understands. I have no eyes on my head. I lived day-by-day suffering the consequences of bad surprises.

I suck in the beginning because I did not lose enough before that. Losing can be a great teacher if the person seeks to understand why they have lost. I struggled and thought many times about why I have lost and I found that a recurring theme is that I lacked wisdom. So I asked God to give me wisdom, and not just wisdom, but also strength and courage because these were also reasons why I lost. I sometimes lose because I lack wisdom, other times because I lacked the strength, and still more times because I lacked courage. There are times when I lost and I don’t understand why. Then there are times I lost because I lacked patience.

I am still learning about life. I am still losing a lot. But once I understand why I lost, I can move forward. My current life strategy now is that of a general. I see things impartially and patienctly. I reexamine myself to see what tasks I may have missed. I problem-solve by talking to myself and to God a lot. I am hybrid, knowing that life cannot be inflexible. I live with a combination of logic and feeling knowing that both has its positives and can complement each other. The “feeling” part also includes intuition and instinct. I try to stay calm and aloof because I do not know many things and I need time to plan to make the best decisions. I also know that sometimes, I mean many times, I have to make choices quick, and with wisdom (my radar), I adjust accordingly.

However, I know there are factors outside my control that are negatively affecting me. My appearance, my inborn personality, and my abstinence from I would say popular culture. I do the best I can. I try to shine my color, my light. My favorite color is light-green so I try to shine a light-green light to people. I feel many times, I don’t emit any colors. I try to not show any light, any color.

In life, we must all try. We must all talk to ourselves and to God to be the best person that we can be. To be able to see as much as we could see.

There can be some pleasure in fighting a losing battle, a losing war. It can be a story of resistance. It can be a delay for the enemy. I am still fighting; I am still trying even through it seems like I’m attacked by multiple directions and without help. Even through it seems like I tried everything, tried everything to get help, but in the end, my outreach failed.

People may call me a loser, that I suck, and yet, when I try to imitate them, I reach a glass ceiling. What works for other people doesn’t seem to work for me. I lose even more when I try to become like them.

So I am going to practice hybrid warfare. I am going to live by both logic and reasoning, and also feeling and intuition. I will do my best to have the best radar and to plan and do everything by self-talk and self-talk with God.

That is how I can live. Though I feel like my land is in a desert, that I am cursed, my best strategy is not really a strategy, but of reevaluation and flexibility.

There are many people, angels, watching me. On clouds surrounding us. So, we should put aside the things that burden us and focus on Jesus. That is a Chinese Stream of Praise song that I am listening. So don’t give up or if you do because life is too hard, then fix the highest price for the enemy by fighting to your wits’ end.