11/30/2010: Back to Basic

11/30/2010: Back to Basic

 

S: 6:51pm

E: 7:07pm

 

 

Life recently, has been very hard for me. I felt like giving up. I cry. On my bed, I even contemplated suicide. However, I realized, when going to dinner chow, that no matter how hard my life may be, it will never be as hard as basic training.

 

The drill sergeants got it right. By making the entry of Army life for a soldier hard as hell, that drill sergeant is actually teaching the soldier to be prepared for anything. And for me, that anything includes hardship, suffering, both from my body and by people around me. I can still remember vividly my many experiences in basic and a lot of soldiers can remember it too. One of the topics we talk about in guard duty is our experiences in basic training. The hardest part of my life, and I guess the hardest part of anyone’s life has to be in basic.

 

I suffered so much, I got made fun of so much, I got cursed at, misunderstood, misjudged, cussed at, tormented, got tired, but with all that, I also had God. And it was God who helped me through it. Every spare time I had is spent sleeping or reading the book of Psalms. “I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’” (Psalms 91:2). “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalms 91:1). “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance” (Psalms 32:7). “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Psalms 118:6).

 

Now that life has gotten harder, I should not give up. I should not wish I have more free time. What I really want is a life where I can worship and give glory to God continually. Of course, I cannot do that. I need to be strong, to be humble, and to wait on the Lord. I need to pretend that my life right now is like basic training although it is a lot easier. I need to serve God and love people. I need to have a basic mentality.

11/26/2010: M16 Range

11/26/2010: M16 Range

S: 5:36pm

E: 5:51pm

Today, our battalion went to the range to qualify on our M16A2! Wow, praise God! I haven’t shot a gun for over a year now and I’m unsure how I would do. When I qualified using paper targets on a 25 meter range, I got a 31! And that is despite the fact that my last two rounds wouldn’t fire. To give a quick overview, there are two ways to qualify a M16A2. The first way is to qualify using pop-up targets. You would need a vast field to do that. Green silhouette’s as targets will pop up at various distances, usually every 50 meters. So, there will be a 50,100,150,200,250, and a 300 meter target. If you hit it, the target automatically goes down. A shooter has to shoot at least 23 of 40 targets to pass. Paper targets, however are different. It is used when space is limited, such is the case in Camp Arifjan. All the targets is on a large sheet of paper 25 meters away. The targets will be of different shapes and sizes depending on the distances. To pass this method, you would need to hit 27 of 40 targets.

But, before you can qualify, it might be a good idea to zero your weapon first. Zeroing is basically like calibrating. Since every shooter sees differently through the sight picture, every weapon has to be adjusted to the shooter. I had a hard time zeroing my weapon, but praise God, the extra time spent shooting means I get more practice! I’m not there to pass, but to learn. I know that the horse (me) is made ready for battle, but the battle belongs to the Lord (Provb. 21:31). I think going to college should also be the same. I’m going to college not necessarily to get a good grade, but to learn and grow to help others. I will write the essays not to satisfy man, but to satisfy God.

I’m happy, despite the fact that my life is hard and I’m tired. 主的喜樂是我力量! The joy of the Lord is my strength!

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

S: 3:13am

E: 5:13am

I was going to go back to sleep but I had a dream and a few teachings that I remembered from <i>Way of the Master</i> that I want to share. To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). I thought of something, a few inspirations, that if it gives glory to God, cannot be delayed. I wanted to sleep, but I must obey God rather than my flesh. Hmm, if Peter teaches us to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29), how much more do we need to obey God rather than our flesh?

[Note: This is kind of embarrassing, but I still need to post it truthfully because my God is the god of truth.]

I dreamed of Ben K as a youth pastor, leading the worship service. This time, he has gotten famous and is leading worship services for many different churches (in my dream, different FECA churches). I remember helping out the bulletin so Ben Ku can perform in our church (FEC-SGV). After that performance, I remember myself going into one of his worship services. He is singing Christian songs (songs we used to sing at CIA) but he looks different. He looks bearded up, like a hippie. Sorry about my description, but it’s according to my dream. I saw how he keeps talking to worldly people and how he tries to gain acceptance from them (secular, Rock & Roll crowd, etc). I felt that he is going astray as a Christian to be acceptable to the world. I decided to talk to him. I hope he still remembers me. I know he still remembers me; I was with him back in 8th grade (it’s true, and it’s in the dream). I tried to talk to him, and looking at how busy he is and with somebody from the world that keeps following and talking to him, I decided that my best bet is to ask to speak to him privately. I asked if I can speak to him outside. I was having trouble talking and getting him to agree with me because I wasn’t that important to him. He just remembers me. As I kept trying, we naturally stepped outside, which the ground is snow (I didn’t feel cold and it wasn’t snowing; I’m just writing what I know for sure in the dream). I found myself outside in the snow, behind a pickup truck (I only remember the back open trunk, not the truck itself). There was initially two people on the truck. One got off (a girl, I think, and both Asian) leaving Deborah S on the truck. I said, “Deborah, please stay with me.” I needed her help just in case. I told Ben K how he wasn’t the youth pastor he used to be (a person who follows and loves God) and how he needs to be “Asian” again. He is still wildly popular to all Asians (don’t ask, it’s my dream). Then, from inspiration, something told me to pick up a chuck of snow and try to use it to play with him. I picked up a chuck of snowy ice and half threw at his snow boots (they look strangely like my Army boots). I want him to remember his past. Seeing the snow reminds me of the Alpine retreat camp, a retreat which I have strong memories on. Something awakened inside him and he bent down, made a snowball, and threw it at someone. I thought it was going to miss, but it hit someone (a young girl, someone I knew back then, from church). Everybody in the dream were people I knew, but when they were in middle school. I thought she might react to the hit, but she just ignores it and continued to run. I had a feeling that I succeed in my mission and I woke up.

While waking up, I thought about Gabriel M’s status update that said, “There is a God, but he won’t wipe your butt for you (something like that)”. My mind gave me counter-arguments but mostly to challenge atheists and to convince them that there is a God. Basically, my argument to atheists that there is a God is this:

If you look at the evidence on both sides (God vs. no God), the evidence shows that there is a God. All you need is something that is supernatural to believe that there is a God; do you really think this whole world is made by chance? Where does matter come from? How can a variety of matter exist out of nothingness?

My God, the living God, is a God who made me and knows me; He knows my name.

Psalms 139:1  O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

When he made me, he knows that we need a Savior to save us from death.

And also, people who like to attack others; to bring other’s down, will not succeed for it is God who humbles and exalts:

1 Samuel 2:7  The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts.

8  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. “For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; upon them he has set the world.

For people who attack others by saying that they are nothing, they are right! The Bible says we are nothing. We are the clay, he is the potter. We need him to make us into something, a holy instrument used by the Lord (2 Timothy 2:21). We all are nothing, we all are weak, we all need God.

Let’s use the example of David and Goliath. How many people, before the actual battle think David will win? Not much. How many people think Goliath will win? Probably most. Yet, it is the person the world thinks will lose that wins.

Isaiah 40:28  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

29  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

30  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 Corinthians 1:27  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

So when people attack me by saying that I’m nothing, they are right. I am nothing, but it is God who can make something out of nothing.

One of my pet peeves is people who attack the person (their weaknesses, faults, deficiencies) rather than helping the person build him/her up or to find ways to improve areas of weaknesses. They are the ones who attack the builders rather than the building. They attack, criticize, judge with the intention of demoralizing their victims.

James 3:8  but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.

10  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

Psalms 140:1  Rescue me, O LORD, from evil men; protect me from men of violence,

2  who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day.

3  They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Selah

4  Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.

Back to Jerusalem, a Chinese Christian organization built by multiple house churches in China, plans to sent 100,000 missionaries in the countries between Jerusalem and Beijing. The second they unveiled their plans to the world, criticism followed. Critics attack the plan, the organization, anything to prevent, what they think won’t happen, from happening.

Acts 5:38  Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.

39  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

In their article “Dealing with Criticism- Lessons for Serving God” BTJ started the article with:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The

credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred

by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes

short again and again; because there is not effort without error and

shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the

great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause,

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who

at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place

shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor

defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), 26th President of the United States

www.backtojerusalem.com

The article wrote that Noah, Moses, David, Nehemiah, most OT prophets, and many others were the targets of criticism. Some people try to make their opinions become reality by attacking the individual hoping that, in the end, does become reality. But, praise God, I know that my God is strong and that my God is loving.

Psalms 62:11  One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12  and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Some people make a living by attacking people. Others make a living by helping people. Some people are good. Some people are evil. Which side will you be on?

If this blog doesn’t offend you, then you have nothing to worry about. This blog will only offend those who deserve to be offended. May it give strength to the weak but a sword to those who destroys.

————————————

Now a change of subject.

I find that girls in Taiwan are so beautiful. Nowhere else in the world can I find girls as beautiful as those in Taiwan. It seems every girl I see is pretty and cute. But, I cannot chase them nor will I allow my eyes to cause me to sin (despite the fact that I tried, I still lusted with my eyes and thus, sinned). I told my mom that I won’t chase any girl (even though I really, really! want to) because there is another girl I promised God to. It’s so painful, almost like torture. When my relatives asks me if I have a girlfriend (their intension is for me to get a girl in Taiwan), I told them yes (hesitantly). I cannot love another. I told my mom that after my seven years, I will just give my life to God.

Beautiful girls, all over the world / oh I could be chasin’ but my life would be wastin’ / I need to follow God, baby / I need to follow God, baby.

Haha.

Oh, I almost forgot. I remember one time when James and me went into our church’s conference room at the office. On the conference table, I remember seeing a marker that reads: “Are you focusing on the problem or the solution?” James and I laughed but the problem of destructive criticism is real.

10-24-09

10-24-09

S: 8:26pm
E:

Everyday is a day of weakness for me. I know. Life in this world no supposed to be roses all the way, and for me, life will just be full of suffering. People ask me why I join the Army. I answer them by saying I serve the Lord. I joined the Army to serve the Lord. But it’s painful to just see earthly defeats all the time. It’s hard to take it, hard to bear. I get tired, weak easily. I tend to run out of breath easily, probably thanks to my past Army life. I did what I can, I did my best given my weaknesses and ability at that time.

It’s okay if men ride over me. I am not on this world to defend myself. I am here simply to trust and obey God. If he leads me to Shoel, so be it, he is my God and my King. I will still trust and obey him. There is no other way.

What really got me was tonight’s ground guiding. I am just not talented, not skilled enough to do my job. Despite my best efforts, I mess up so much. It’s depressing to feel the pain and the shame and the suffering that comes as a result of my actions, actions I have viturally no control over. It’s okay, because God is in control of my actions. He knows me more than I know myself.

You know, I feel I am not good at anything. Is there anything I can say that I’m good at and is recongized by people? Nothing. Even in computer games, many people still beat me. In fact, I am probably one of the weaker players. It would be much closer to the truth to say that I suck at everything. And everything military related I tend to suck. Shooting, I can’t shoot. I suck at PT. I have trouble listening. I have trouble speaking. I have trouble communicating. People don’t really trust my abilities. I suck at driving, ground guiding, etc. I suck at doing my crew drills despite my efforts to improve myself.

I take solace that the only thing I don’t suck at is my attributes, my character. I feel that I am good at enduring, patience. Everyday, I have to endure the shame, pain, troubles, burdens of myself. I have to endure this weak body of mine. I am good at being pure. I refuse to sin. I refuse to give in to sin. I refuse to gain temperortary by sinning. I refuse to take pleasures of sin for a season.. At least right now. I am good at showing respect because I respect God. Because I respect God, I have respect for earthly authorties. I am good at being kind, nice, and loving to others. Of course. God taught me to love Him and to love men. I lend freely, I take the loss myself, for I know my treasures are in heaven.

I guess what matters more is the fruits of the Spirit. It is better to be good in character than to be good in talent.

Still, I look at my peers. They are so much more talented, quicker than me. They know this world much more than me. I want to be like them. The drawback? They are evil. They follow the desires of their flesh, its lusts. I cannot do that. I cannot love the world because if I do, the love of God is not in me.

I feel I can write still so much. Yet, I have other things to do. Time is short, perhaps it is already up. But I know that God holds tomorrow. I am weak but He is strong.

10/19/2009

10/19/2009

Wow, I get to come back from the field again, all because we need to turn in our M16’s. We had one day of weapons training, lol. Today, we had a live convoy live-fire exercise. It’s actually easy. All we do is gear up, sit on the benches of the truck (in my case, it’s a Humvee), and shoot when ordered. I get nervous holding a weapon, especially right before a live-fire exercise not because I’m afraid to kill, but because some people get nervous knowing that I’m armed. I guess part of the reason is because I think too much. I look at how other people react and they tend to watch me closely. When other people talk to me, I tend to get a little nervous. Sigh, they have nothing to worry about. God is my judge. I serve my country because I love God. Back in AIT, one of the soldiers asked me if I love God so much, why am I in the army? Thank God, I knew the answer just a few minutes before and the answer was: “I joined the army to serve the Lord.” After hearing my response, he remained silent. Whew, right in the nick of time.

I need to be more thankful. I thought my experience was hard: Doing crew drills all day, constantly being tasked out, and little personal time. One of the soldiers I rode back with was pissed off. He’s in the RSOP team, which is the grinder of Patriot. He had to wake up at 4am, do the RSOP drills, wait until 1230 for the evaluators to come, which they failed due to lack of training (so much bullshit), get yelled at by their chain of command, and then do guard duty until now. A lot of soldiers are complaining that ADA (specifically our battalion) has so much crap; that the real army is totally different. I’m feeling it too but I don’t complain, well, facebook doesn’t count because it’s the truth. The battle belongs to the Lord. I don’t care how messed up the battalion is, I’m still going to do my best and serve the Lord.

9/24/09

9/24/09

S: 1730
E: 1734

I am totally at the Lord’s mercy now. My left hand hurts, and I am in pain. I am suffering and I.. am so alone. So isolated. Facebook does not help me. It seems like nothing can help me. Only God can help me. I am just going to pray and ask God for help. If life is too hard, I will just end my life, for my life is in God’s hands.

9/18/2009

9/18/2009

It’s painful, painful that some people treat me differently because of who I am. True, I stutter when I speak, I always wear my thick brown glasses (BCG‘s), I always eat at the DFAC, I hardly go off-post, and I have other strange behaviors. I am not like them because I am not of this world. One of my Chinese friend in the military told me everyone thought he was a Chinese spy at first. It’s sad that people just look at the outside: how I speak, how I look, how I am similar to him/her. Often, when I am on details, or other work-related missions, I can feel some people just don’t trust me. I think they are afraid I might take some secret notes or something. The truth is, I trust in God. God taught me to respect and obey the authorities over me. I will never betray or backstab America. Heck, even if we go to war with China, I will still remain loyal to the stars and stripes, because my people is God’s family. I admire how my country is built by God. I am also ready to die for my country if I have to, for I know that my life is in the Lord’s hand.

9/8/09

9/8/09

S: 4:33am
E:

I woke up early to write about my life. I feel I need to write it edown or I will forget it.

I feel so alone, so isolated. The girls I love, my dreams, my goals, they all seem so hard, impossible, to attain. I don’t want to live anymore. All I see in my road of life is suffering, pain, shame, dishonor, curses, hatred, loniness, wasted oppertunites (because I no longer have the power to take advantage of it), anger, etc. Of course I love my church. I want to reconnect with them, but, they don’t want me, they don’t need me. Of course God doesn’t need any of us, but I don’t feel loved by my church. My heart is in pain. My soul cries. I really want to love my church, the church of my youth, but they are not willing.

I’m never going to find a wife in my church. They all seem so seculer. They use God instead of giving him glory. Their music, taste, movies, almost everything, reflects a secular lifestyle. And Dorcas? She is not the godly person I envisioned her to be. In fact, let me look at her profile…. The first thing I see is her daily horoscope. All her personal information does not reflect the Lord. I cannot tell if she is a Christian just by looking at her info. And.. she hid her reglious status. She doesn’t even claim to be a Christian. Of course, she might just be hiding this from me, but why would she? Her favorite quotations are not from the Bible, none of them are. The first one is “go die!” Wow…. I hate being a stalker, but I need to see the truth.

Ok, go to Endora —. She already has a boyfriend, so I will not even consider her anymore.

While I’m waiting… I want to say that I love all of them. Hopefully everyone from church even through they don’t really like me. Many of their values don’t reflect God. In fact, I can’t tell if they are Christian unless they say so.

Ok, back to Endora. I’m happier for her. I know her mom is a grat women of God. And she is clearly influenced by her. Praise God! :) Her description says “Jesus, I’m kneeling at your feet. Life is knocking me down. Come and fill me up.” I’m happy for her. Happy that she still loves the Lord. Her infomation more closely reflects God, but still.. it is littered with dramas and secularism. Still, I’m happy for her. She loves “Christian and fob songs.” And her info mentions Jesus. I’m happy for her.

This is her about me:

I love to sing. I’m pretty short. I can be loud but also really shy at times. I love GOD. I love kids. Taiwan is the best place in the world. I don’t like green onions and I live for Jesus. :]

~The biggest lesson I’ve learned in this life is to forgive those who judge you the most because those who judge you the most, are only afraid to be judged. WWJD?~

She loves the Lord. Amen.

If she is still avaliable, I would have hit her…. She is still so beautiful to me. Of course I love everyone, but I still love her….

Ok, I’m done updating my facebook again. She made me state my political views. And now I know she might be Taiwanese. Heh, not that it’s a good thing….

You know what, let me also see Emily –‘s profile….

Her’s is also more Christian. Her status states: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Amen. Praise the Lord.

About Me:
I’m really boring and I honestly love watching tv and sleeping.

That just isn’t fair…. I’m really boring too, but she has so many friends (496). I need to go now. SGM. Just a false alarm. Whew. Why do people do these things? That’s just like lying.

Ok, now let me see Jonathan —-‘s profile. I remember him as a friend back when I was young.

His profile also has God in it. That’s good, praise God. He enjoys making people smile. Heh, I enjoy helping others. That’s good.

About Me:
Entertaining people makes me smile. To see people happy, laughing, and having fun makes my day. To see the opposite makes me depressed.

When I grow up, I want to be an actor and a high school teacher.

Cooking is something I have the capability of doing.

The first impression people have of me is either “weird”, “freaky”, or “scary”.

One of my goals in life is to be as good of a friend to someone as they will let me be.

I have made a bunch of mistakes, all of which I truly regret.

People find me a lot less mysterious that I actually am.

A skill of expertise that I have is creating illusions of myself.

Ok, I’m thinking about packing up for this discovery. I’m tired and need rest.

Oh, before I forget, let me check Carrian —‘s profile.

Never mind, no time. I was partially right. The 1SG is coming. Better pack up.

Lord, I am kneeling at your feet. Come fill me up.

It’s not about me, its about God.

Help me Lord, keep me alive.

9/2/09

9/2/09

S: 1:54am
E: 2:07am

I’m sitting on staff duty right now. But, although I’m tired, I have some important things to write.

I almost lost my computer today, but trying to fix the problem, I almost destroyed it. And I’m not even sure if I fixed it. Most likely not. It reminds me when I was young, breaking all my household’s computers heh.

The most important thing, friend, is God. I have to memorize the book of Psalms and Matthew. I need to follow His Word in order to survive.

The second thing is about Endora. Wow, I.. I guess I was very improper with her. I had a crush on her because she loves the Lord. Now that God has entered my life, I see girls that love the Lord as beautiful. But.. I was wrong with Endora. She hardly knew me. She only knew me when I was young. What am I doing? Why am I sinning against God because of her? Lord, forgive me. Now I need forgiveness…. Sigh, I hate myself. For Endora, I’m just going to ignore her and start focusing fully on God.

It’s ok if I don’t have a girlfriend, or if my life is hard and miserable. I just want God. I just want Him to be by me. I need His presence.

Enough. I need to stop thinking of things too wonderful for me. Let God change other people around me. He is in control. The battle belongs to the Lord. I am going to swallow many bitter pills because of this.

This is it, I’m going to make a promise. I’m not going to actively get what I want until I memorize Psalms and Matthew at least. This life is not about me, its about God.

My social life will be in limbo. My future soulmate (if I have one) will be in limbo. Everything will be in limbo until I am done with my goals, which is to memorize all of Psalms and Matthew.

I’m tired of trying. I forgot that it is the Lord who watches my steps and sees my ways. His ways are higher than mine. I must suffer and endure for the Lord with no prospect of reward or comfort. No, He is the God of comfort. I need to worship and follow God.

Declared: Everything in my life will now be in limbo (not active) until I memorize the books of Psalms and Matthew completely.

Praise God!

8/30/09

8/30/09

S: 10:19am
E: 10:22am

I received an inspiration from the Lord yesterday. I must tell Deana about Jesus. I must tell her. I must tell her about Jesus. It may be my last chance. I will ask her to trust and put her hope and faith in God, who gives freely to all who asks Him.

Today is the day I will tell her about Christ. I will pray and then tell her. As soon as I get interent, which I can.

Lord, help me to be a faithful witness to the Lord. Thank you God, and forgive me for being like Judas.