6-9-04

{written diary}

6-9-04   10:53pm-11:04pm

Well, I just finished brushing my teeth.  Too bad I can’t wash Julia’s teeth.  I always hate myself the most right after I played a lot of computer games.  Then why do I play it then?  I don’t know.  It starts out like honey but ends up being a dagger.  I’m so addicted to games.  I need a lot of help.  I need to talk to my school conceller.  Maybe he can help me about this.  I know that adding “about this” is not nesscary but I decided to add it anyways because I feel like to.  I always get these crazy superstutions such as touching something 3 or 9 times, rubbing my feet on the doorhill 3 times or other things.  I don’t know if there is something wrong with me.  Okay.  I keep having to earse my writing and I keep messing up because I am tired and my mind is not aleart.  But even then, I still want to play games.  I can play until I am so tired that I cannot play anymore.  I am practilly killing myself and my future.  I need help. Where can I find help?  Is there anyone to help me?  Also, I can’t wait to receive my yearbook.  I can look at all the girls I like.  I know that’s messed up but no girls likes me.  I think my health is failing too.  I love clean air!

6-7-04

{written diary}

6-7-04

9:51pm

I fucken hate myself.  Why am I still playing games!?  There must be a way to stop playing games but I can’t find it.  There is no substitute even.  Hey, I just remembered the times I went to retreats.  The computer is far far away from me.  There, in the mountains, I had no desire to play games.  In fact, I remember it was so loose and free up there.  It is better up there.  I remember just before I played games I wanted to play tennis and basketball, but sadly, I already took a shower.  So there is no alternative for me.  Well, let me think now… hum….  What can I do instead of games that would be equally fun.  It really sucks that I have a high entainment demand or need.  I remember the last last time I went to Taiwan.  I am required to write this journal in 3rd grade for Miss. Bennett.  Heh, too bad I forgot the stuff I wrote.  It was too long ago.  Many things I wanted to write I forgot.  I might never marry in my life.  I might never find my close-to-perfect partner.  Everytime I try, I always mess up.  It just hurts.  Why can’t I be successful with girls?  And why can’t I write neater?  And how come I’m not good in math anymore?  What happened?  I think I am losing everything but I’m not.  I still got the Julia in my heart.  Oh, now I remembered….  To tell you the truth, I really dislike [too private to share]….  Maybe if I write smaller I might be able to write neater.  Let me just try that.  I am getting tired now so I’m going to sleep.  The time is 10:10.  Good-night Steven, good-night my Julia!

6-7-04

{written diary}

6-7-04   3:50pm

Before I take my afternoon nap, I would just write this discovery quickly.  Heh, I call this a discovery instead of a diary because you discover yourself when you write.  First off, I kept imagining and thinking of Julia [ln].  I daydream of her hugging me, kissing me, and just loving me.  When I’m running after-school, I picture her running with me.  I love her, I don’t know and can’t say “love her so much” because I know she won’t love me.  It’s already over.  I messed up.  She gave up on me.  I could only imagine and picture and dream of Julia: The Julia in school has died (love-wise), but the Julia in my heart is still alive.  (I don’t want to say “shall never die” because it is not true (most likely!))

6-6-04

{written diary}

6-6-04   10:07am

I just wanted to play games for a long time so I will try to fight it by writing my diary.  It seems that every single day I have so much to write about.  I have a very vivid dream today that I will share, however I forgot alot of it.  I dreamed of Julia [last name] with her teeth so messed up and crooked.  Even that, I still loved Julia [last name].  I hugged her.  No matter how ugly she is, I still love her and care about her.  I asked her why is her teeth so crooked but she said that (I think) she was born that way.  She said that it hurts and is hard for her to chew food.  I even remember how her teeth looks like.  I also remember Jessica [last name] and how her teeth was so beautiful.  I told Julia [ln] that I will give her an equal chance.  I also dreamed of world domination.  A country (the U.S.) attempted to unite the world under one government.  That way, there will be world peace.  First, Europe falls, then Asia.  We were just about to invade the Middle East.  I thought of Iseral and what my dad said that they got their hands bloody.

6-5-04

{written diary}

6-5-04

I don’t understand myself… why can’t I stop playing games?  what is addicting me, coving me, letting me from playing games?  See, I even support games!  And my spelling sucks!

I hate myself!

What should I spend my time doing homework?  It’s so boring!  But games is even more useless.  But games provide fun, something doing HW cannot offer.  Well, there are other things that are better than games that are fun too.  Like what?  Like Ruby 紅宝石… Lol, Fucken good-bye Ruby!  There is no fun.

Fucken good bye Ruby
‘’              ‘’        ‘’   Jessica
‘’               ‘’        ‘’  Julia
‘’               ‘’       ‘’   Jennifer x3
‘’                ‘’     ‘’    whoever that likes me

6-4-04

{Letters to Jessica part 2 of 2, written diary}

6-4-04   12:15am

Hey Jessica, I feeling very depressed right now.  I finished my final history project about an hour ago.  I spent the rest of the time playing Worms II.  I really hate myself now.  I wonder if you are ever going to revieve this.  I don’t think so.  I’m so stupid and imperfect for you Jessica.  Surely you can find some better guy to love.  I shouldn’t have procrastinated.  Now my project is imcompletes so I will probably get a D if I’m lucky.  On 6-2-04, I said “lets just be friends okay?”  I asked that because you two are acting very strange to me.  I don’t want to make any enemies in my life.  I don’t want to waste my energy hating people.  I want to be friends with them or at least not be enemies with them.  You know, I think your worse enemies can be your best friends.  Just think about that.  The relationship is based on hate.  All that energy can be transferred to love.  There must be some reason to hate someone so deeply.  Maybe they are born to be your best friends.  No, I don’t mean I hate you or Julia.  In fact, I like you both, I really do.  I know its wrong but you two look so alike.  I know outside is nothing but I ust can’t find a way to be attracted to people from their inside.  Okay, I’m done.  I don’t want to write anymore.  I dislike myself, I don’t know why am I writing this.  I don’t want to marry ayone because I am going to mess them up.  Also Jessica, you can see that my writing became messier.  Well, I am hiding my true self because you would hate me.  Don’t be fooled.  But if we hate each other so much, lets be friends!  Just kidding, and no, no one has helped me write this, only me, myself, and I.