4/4/2013: Social Justice

4/4/2013: Social Justice

S: 10:21pm
E: 11:03pm

I have been busy lately so I haven’t had time to write. Well, I could write, if I squeeze it in and take other important things out but I decided not to.

There is a blog I wanted to write two days ago when I woke up in the morning but I couldn’t because I have to go to class soon. I did start on writing that (and I wrote a draft on paper) and I may want to finish it. Here it is:

4/3/2013: Social Justice

S: 7:20am
E:

What sucks about being a writer is that, many times, I’m under a writer’s curse. When I think of a great idea, I have to write it now. If I don’t, half the time, I will forget the idea, and by saying “half the time,” I’m being optimistic.

Some people may hate me for writing this blog, but like Detective Conan, my intention of writing this is to find the truth. If I am wrong, and I will do my best to know if I’m wrong, I will change myself.

[continued on 4/4]

I realized, or I probably already realized, that life sucks for poor people. Poverty strikes justice at its face. Before I continue, I want to add that it’s difficult to get back at writing this. Even though I have the blueprint of this on paper, sometimes I don’t understand what I wrote. I also lost desire or passion. This is why when the time comes, I need to capitalize on it! If I wait, the quality diminishes. Ok, I’ll do my best.

I was laying on my bed that morning thinking about global inequality. I thought, life sucks for poor people. Every day, they have to get up and work just as hard or more (probably more) than richer people just to survive. Those who are smart and work hard will become rich. Those who are not smart but work hard will become poor. God gives each person different skills and abilities. To some He gives more and to others, He gives less. Why should someone whom God has given less suffer when that person works just as hard, or harder, than a person who has more?

So I thought, I would never want to live like a slave or some worker slaving in some sweatshop in China. Living then, has no hope. It is nothing but toil and sadness. So, if I have to endure such conditions with no hope, I will just die. If every working and poor class person is willing to die for injustice, then the unequal distribution of wealth will be more equal. Why? Because the rich needs the poor to do the undeserving jobs. If they refuse to do so, then who would do it? The rich will have to compensate and increase their standard of living to appease them to work.

I would like to make a few refutations that I’m sure will come.

Some people may believe that it is wrong to kill yourself or end your life. What I want to say is that God will be the judge. He knows how that person in poverty feels.

Rich and poor have this in common: The LORD is the Maker of them all. Proverbs 22:2

What is the solution to this gap? What should rich people do? What should people whom God has given more brains than brawn do (or to their parents)?

I believe they should share the wealth because God curses those who refuse to do so.

And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.” But God said to him, “You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?” This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God. Luke 12:19-21

God gave the rich, who have brains, the responsibility to care for the less fortunate. True fasting, as God puts it, is to “loose the chains of injustice,” and to “share your food with the hungry” (Isaiah 58:6-7). If I ever become rich, I will share a large portion of my money to help the poor (the rest will be reinvested so I can help them more).

To conclude, the saving grace for the poor is God. It is the belief that He will make all things right. When Jesus comes back, the poor who believe, dead or alive, will live in luxury. Everyone will be truly happy and will have at least all of their basic needs met.

12/6/2012: Toys and “Adult-only”

12/6/2012: Toys and “Adult-only”

{S: 10:46pm}  As with all my blogs, I try to keep it short because “brevity is the soul of wit.”

I’m waiting for my shipment from Japan.  It contains my temporary solution to a permanent problem.  Temporary because once I have a godly wife, I wouldn’t need those toys.  Yes, they are adult toys, male masturbators I am ordering.  I brought the cheapest ones because I’m on a budget.

I have to order them because I cannot go on anymore.  I feel so lonely and I’m praying to God everyday for a future wife.  Now before you judge me, I’ll let God be my judge.  I don’t want to sin against God and it is the best thing I can do without going crazy.  I don’t want to sin against God by going to clubs or to find a hook-up and, thus, sin against that person.  It is a private pain and I find that the next best solution is to do this.

It’s difficult for me to write these adult blogs, which brings me to another point.  Why are things coined “adult” in today’s society always mean something sinful:  “Adult” content, “adult” toys, “adult” movies, “adult” magazines, etc?  It makes me think something is wrong with society.  Is being an adult sinful?  And then I see labels that read “Keep away from children.”  It’s sad that in today’s world, before Jesus comes back, there will always be things that are anti-children and “adult only.”

That is not how it should be.  The Bible says we are supposed to be like children when we enter the Kingdom of Heaven (Luke 18:17).  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 19:14).  But, it is because humankind delights in the deeds of darkness so they add signs that say “adults only” or “must be over 18,” or even “password-protected.”  I’m sharing this because I don’t want to stay in the darkness.  I want the light of truth and the light by telling the truth.

People say they can “read him like a book.”  Well, that is my goal because I love the truth.  {E: 11:08pm}

5/15/2011: Deeper and Further in

5/15/2011: Deeper and Further in

S: 9:13pm
E: 9:35pm

I realized that as I grow more mature in my Christian walk, I have a crazy way to deal with conflict with other people.

Instead of avoiding or trying to fight against my oppressors, I tend to want to be closer to them. Sure, I do feel hate, but hatred for their actions and not the person. The more I feel opposition or resistance, the more I want to jump in and go into them, the more I want to talk to them, to show them that I’m not an evil person, but a person with a heart of love.

I am spending way too much time on Erepublik, a fictional online game where you become a citizen of your country and fight for it. I love Israel, so I spent so much time on it.

Maybe the story of how I got my eIsraeli citizenship can describe my God-given way of how I deal with conflict.

I’ve always wanted to go into Israel. I find that the more I love God, the more I love Israel. When the game implemented the economic changes, and I found myself out of work, I used that opportunity to move to eIsrael. I quickly found work, talked to other citizens, and applied for citizenship. A few days later, a eCongress member messaged me asking why I want an eIsraeli citizenship. I told him the truth, which I love God and would love to help defend eIsrael. He starting questioning my intentions and asked if I’m there to destroy his country. Any normal worldly person would have cussed him out or given up. However, I used godly wisdom and told him that he has a reason not to believe what I say; that words are hollow. I told him, however, that God will be my judge and restated my desire for citizenship:

“Nothing that I, or anyone, say can be proven. Words are hollow in this day and age. You just have to believe that what I’m saying is true and with God as my judge, what I’m saying is true.

“If I forget you, O Jerusalem, may my right hand forget its skill” (Psalms 137:5).

Citizenship or not, I plan to defend eIsrael against all enemies. If I do choose to work (I’m thinking of being a trader), I will work in eIsrael.

Maybe only time can tell. If that’s the case, then let time tell.”

At this point, I even messaged the ePrime Minster of Israel, asking for citizenship. I also went to Erepubik support and asked if there is a way to become a citizen of another country without deleting my account.

The more I feel opposition and resistance against my desires, the more involved and courageous I become. And this morning, I went onto the game and guess what? I got eIsraeli citizenship! I was so happy.

However, now I have another problem. I tried to go on IRC into the eIDF fourms but when I went on just to test if it works, they immediately kicked me out. Well, at least I know it works. I feel anger burning inside me again. Again, I need to make a drastic decision. I went on the IRC support forums to learn more about IRC, since it’s my first time using it, and I messaged the eCongress member who gave me citizenship (the one who gave me a hard time) about the problem. Like in Narnia, I want to go deeper and further in.

Another drastic step I can take is to just delete my account and stop playing Erepubik. I am already spending so much time on it and not enough time reading the Bible or on God. I already know that everything else is dross compared to God. It is godly wisdom that enables me to make big, drastic decisions. It is my faith in God that enables me to have strength, courage, and wisdom.

2/1/2011: Defense against Judgments

2/1/2011: Defense against Judgments

S: 9:51am

E: 11:28am (came back from formation)

Right now, I feel I’m on a low ebb on my writing skills. But, I still have to write. I write the good, I also need to write the bad times. Starkingdoms, the only game I allow myself to play, has been taking a lot of my time, but, at least it’s a lot more social than other games I’ve been playing. The leadership skills and practice in forums can help me grow as a person. Actually, I have been quite busy, between college, praying, doing military stuff, personal maintenance, and Star Kingdoms, and I find it hard to find time to write.

I’m also kind of forgetful sometimes. I was half-done on my other discovery I started but my mind then went blank. For me to write well, I need to be honest and write about my feelings and intentions before I write my content. I need to write about myself first before I write what I was planning to write.

For the past few weeks, I decided to socially isolate myself (esp. Facebook) because I needed to grow in God and self more. I’m afraid of people judging but I happy to say I have at last found a solution.

One thing that I find it hard in this world is judging. In my life, everyday, people judge me all the time, either intentionally or unintentionally. For example, when a soldier says, “Steven, wake up. Stop being lazy,” he is inferring:

Major premise: People who close their eyes during work are lazy.

Minor Premise: Steven is closing his eyes during work hours.

Conclusion: Therefore, Steven is lazy.

But, that is not the case. I did not close my eyes because I wanted to slack off and be lazy. No, the reason why I closed my eyes is so I can have the energy to do a better job. I chose to close my eyes because I know my weaknesses and I am trying to counter them.

This is why Jesus said in Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” God is right about that command because since God knows everything, only He can be the judge.

Before, my response is would be to argue and defend myself but I found the more I argue and defend myself, the more judgments and accusations I receive. Then, I tried to “be like Jesus,” by trying to know when to speak and when to remain silent. That helped, but, I think I found the best solution.

The solution is to, Steven, listen up, the solution to being judged is to be humble, truthful, and let your yes be yes and your no be no (Matthew 5:37). The truth will come in the end and God will be the ultimate judge.

I will do my best not to judge others but to pray for them. I cannot change people; only God can change people. I will be nice, caring, loving to everyone and I will also listen to my spirit as to when to speak and when to remain silent. However, if people judge me, I need to be humble, say the truth, and leave it to that. I will not go on explaining and defending myself. I will just let my “yes” be “yes” and my “no” be “no.” God knows the truth and He knows everything. He will be my real Judge.

PS: I have been so worried about being judged that I did not only isolate myself from Facebook, but also from my parents. I haven’t replied any of my dad’s e-mails this year nor have I called my mom in Taiwan. I always tell myself that I am not ready, that I am too stressed out to talk, but, I need not be afraid. God will be the Judge.

喜樂泉源 (Fountain of Joy) by 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise)

祢是我喜樂泉源 祢使我歡欣跳躍
祢使我自由飛翔 不再被罪惡綁
祢是我永生盼望 祢愛有無比力量
從今時直到永遠 祢應許不會改變
祢的寶血 有能力 能醫治一切的傷口
祢的復活 能改變 一切的咒詛成為祝福
我們要高舉祢聖名 祢配得所有最大的讚美
我們要用全心 和全意 來敬拜祢
我們要歡迎祢來臨 願祢來設立寶座在這裡
我們要張開口 不停讚美祢

Fountain of Joy

For the past few days, I feel restless and uneasy. I find that by dancing and singing songs like this really cheered me up and helped me to give my burden to God. Hmm, when I get back to the States, I might sing this song along with my dance moves :)

It is Jesus who sets me free. I am so happy.

1/25/2011: The Biblical Standard for Suffering

1/25/2011: The Biblical Standard for Suffering

S: 11:38pm

E: 1:56pm

Due to my lack of preparedness on January 23, I was unprepared for guard. I woke up with just barely enough time to eat beef sausage and bread, pack necessary items, do some hygiene, dress up, and leave. I planned to wake up with barely enough time because I slept late last night so I needed as much rest as I can get before I start my 24-hour guard duty.

I then found out that today, is the last day that 3-43 has guard and it has to be me! Someone else came to us believing he had guard but according to our roster, he didn’t. I considered offering to pay him for taking my shift but the soldiers around me convinced me not to. I’m on the roster and it’s our last guard shift.

It’s not just the physical side that is hard, but the emotional and spiritual side as well. Throughout the day I was tired and I tried to take bits of rest by closing my eyes. One of the soldiers, V, would always harass me by jumping to conclusions. After living with him for almost a year, I can see that he is prideful, arrogant, but also has a good heart and intentions.

He would say, “Wake up, Yeh!” when I wasn’t really sleeping. My eyes were half-closed. I don’t like how he jumps to conclusions without knowing everything. I don’t like how he judges people, not just me but everybody else, based on the limited knowledge he knows. God knows everything; let God be the Judge.

Throughout the day, he would accuse me by making assumptions without looking at the whole evidence. When they were talking questionable sexual things in the evening, V would say, “Earmuffs Yeh!” “I don’t want to damage your innocence!” He assumes I can’t handle what they are talking about but I can. I’ve listened and interacted to their racy conversations many times while also trusting in God. There are also other times, but I forgot. He would say things to provoke me (by making untrue assumptions) and force me to defend myself. After a whole, angered, I would say, “Let God be the Judge.” I told V that he doesn’t know everything, that his accusations are not true or lack other major elements. Once when he was walking outside while opening the gate, I told him privately, “V, you need to stop trusting in yourself and start trusting in God.” I can see from almost a year’s experience that he always trusts in himself and his own strength. I was a bit afraid to tell him that but I’m trying to help him and if me saying this can change him for the better in the future, it will be worth it. He looked at me surprised and replied, “Yeh, I cannot trust in God. I have to trust in myself. If I rely on God, he’s not going to help me all the time.” I think I told him that if he chose to follow Jesus, God will help him all the time.

All the judging and false accusations from my three battle buddies made me upset. When guarding the site (and the first time I actually have live weapons), I would not talk to them. I feel angry and upset and if I do try to defend myself, they will just twist my words and accuse me again. Wisdom came to me and I realized silence is the best answer. Every time they hurt me, I would angrily pray and ask God to judge them. I also asked Him to judge me too but reminding him that I want his mercy and love rather than his justice because “no one living is righteous before you” (Psalms 143:2).

Out of anguish, I would take my pocket Bible out and read the psalms and pray and sing regardless if other soldiers noticing me. I remember a quote from C.S. Lewis saying, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

That is so true. I find that I seek God the most when I’m in pain or when life is hard. I prayed and asked God that if that’s the case, then please make my life hard so I can be with You.

Eventually, my anger would subside and I would tactfully talk to them again, knowing that I need to be like Jesus.

A serious event happened later in the night. Since I was so tired, I slept, along with another soldier (who also didn’t sleep well last night). Midnight chow came and two of the soldiers, there were four of us total, went to eat chow, leaving just V and me. While looking for traffic, I accidently dosed off and a car came. V saw it and we quickly went outside to open the gate. When I came back in the guard shack, he was very upset at me. He told me that I should not be tired, that I have plenty of sleep (while he stayed up all night), and that if I’m tired I should take a walk or pour water on my face. He also made many accusations and judgments on me that are incomplete. When I tried to tell the “truth,” he accused me of making excuses. When I told him that I really can’t stay up, that I’m really tired, he told me he doesn’t want to argue with me anymore. If I were to close my eyes again, he would force me outside the shack. I said I too, agreed with him that I don’t want to argue or make excuses. I just want to put out the truth. The truth is, I can walk outside and stay up if I have to, but the limits of my endurance have been reached. I refuse to suffer anymore. I already suffered so much physically (doing guard), emotionally (their verbal attacks and judging), and spiritually (constantly praying and asking God for help and vindication). I also told him that I’m stressed out because I have two jobs: being a soldier and serving God. He told me I need to meet the SOP (standard operating procedures) which states that I cannot sleep. I told him that the Bible is above the SOP, but the Bible does state to submit to authorities (Titus 3:1). I tried to tell him the truth. I sat back down and then went outside for some water.

Then suddenly, it hit me. I have been saying I’m sick and tired of suffering. That I hate how my life is so hard. Then I remembered what the Bible says about how much suffering is enough.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood (Hebrews 12:4  ).

I cried out to God and asked Him to forgive me. That is the Biblical standard for suffering. In my suffering, I haven’t even come close to shedding blood. I realized that I must be willing to endure and suffer so much more. I realized how weak I am. I must be willing to suffer for Jesus, not so I will lose my petty comfort, but to the point of losing blood. That is hard suffering and that is what the Bible teaches us to endure to.

I stayed outside and walked around, happy that I finally knew what the Biblical standards are. The humvee came back but I continue to stay outside. I washed my eyes with water because it was stinging me. Later, V told me to come back in but “stay awake.” I told him I prefer to be outside.

Oh, and for dinner, thanks to another soldier’s help, we got Chinese and Korean food! I got, along with my SOG (sergeant of the guard), kimchee and rice. The kimchee was very spicy, however, but I ate a lot of rice. Yummy!

After that awakening, that I need to adhere to the Biblical standard of suffering, the rest of the day improved. I did not try to find an easy way out, but I contributed and helped clean the guard area up. Today is the last day our battalion has guard duty. We have to make sure the area is presentable.

Everything went well until near the very end of our shift. That is my second serious incident. We (the guards) found out that 1-44, the battalion replacing us, were not informed of their guard duty. They were simply told they were shadowing us. That means there is a possibility that we have guard again, a 48-hour shift. All of us were upset. To make the long story short, the SOG for 1-44 decided to do the changeover (praise God) but we still had to wait for another sergeant from Echo company to be their shadow SOG. While we are waiting, I proposed many ideas. I said why not two of us take the bus and the other two take the humvee? I began to complain, internally. I thought about what to say to my relay sergeant. I need to prepare and know the approach and words so I might get tomorrow’s PT off. I really want free time. I wanted to scream, or just take off in the humvee because I was upset at our battalions lack of organization in this matter.

I also had a debate with P, another soldier and I did cry and show my tears because I wanted to change them for the better. But after much arguing, I realized what Watchman Nee wrote: “It is not a life changed but exchanged.” V and P were telling me that they believe I want everyone in this world to be like me. I told them, initially, sadly due to my defensive nature, that I didn’t. That everyone is created with an image of God and we need to “shine the light that God gave us.” I admitted, later, that I did act as if everyone should be like me and everyone else not like me is wrong, evil, etc. They accused of being a hypocrite and I did admit it. But, I told them that we all make mistakes, that we are all sinners, and that we all need Jesus.

I have been telling V throughout our guard shift that he needs to “change.” He needs to change his pride, arrogance, tenidency to judge, etc, but I realized all my efforts were in vain. Because they cannot change themselves. According to Watchman Nee, human beings cannot their evil human nature. In order to change a person, that person needs to be exchanged with Christ. I admitted my mistake to V and P and told them not to change, but to exchange your life with Jesus.

However, V told me if I am happy. After some thinking, I told them that I’m not happy (“not as happy as I should be” would be closer to the truth). Then V went on to say the reason why I’m not happy is because I’m too focused on God. That I need to put myself first (not God) and enjoy the pleasures of the world. Then, according to him, I will be happy.

Seeing these two soldiers having a serious discussion with me made me feel like I’m Christian in the Pilgrim’s Progress. I told V that I understand his viewpoint, but I feel the answer to happiness is not found there. The answer to happiness is found in letting Christ live instead of me.

Throughout the conversation, I kept mentioning Bible and they told me to stop mentioning it. Not everyone believes in the Bible, they told me. But I told them that the Bible is the bedrock of my life. P thinks the Bible is just a good teaching book, but it is more than that, it is a manual to life. That conversation eventually developed to me not using any spiritual arguments, that I can only make logical ones. That, I told them, is misleading. The human being is made up of the spirit, soul, and body. The spirit is above the soul, therefore, the spirit should be dominant. I told them there is an unseen world; a spiritual world, and that the Bible says the unseen is greater than the seen. V and P asked me again and again do I love God more or my mom? I told them that I love God more because I must love God much more than I love my mom or dad or brothers and sisters (Matthew 10:31). They told me who help me more, God or my mom. They obviously wanted me to say “my mom,” but I told them that, ultimately, God helps me much more.

Lastly, we argued that if God is omnipotent, then does God know what choices we choose beforehand? I told P no because if he does know completely beforehand, then God will not be a good god but an evil one. If God knew Eve is going to be deceived in the Garden of Eden and all mankind will suffer the penalty for sin, He would not have created us. God gave us free will to chose whether to follow Him or not. Yes, God knows us much more than anybody else, even ourselves, but he doesn’t know 100% what our next actions will be. This is where P and me disagreed and I tried to find scriptural proof, but was mostly unable to.

Psalms 139:1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Genesis 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

God knows our potential and what we could be if we follow God to be used by Him, but to say that he always knows every action that we will perform ahead of time is untrue. If that is true, then God may not be a good God because then he knew all the evil and suffering that will come as a result. I need to continue to grow more in God and perhaps ask for some help to find out more. That is about the extent of our discussion. I then used the latrine again and decided to sleep inside the humvee.

As I was sitting in the humvee thinking about the conversation, and how angry I am about the guard changeover and what to do about it, another thought came in, from heaven, and it told me to “give it all to God.” In my first serious incident, I learned that I need to be able to suffer and endure more, to the point of shedding blood. However, in this second event, I realized that God is in control of everything, that there is nothing I can do to change it. I must trust in God and let Him be in control. Whatever happens, I must “give it all to God.” So I began to repeat “give it all to God” over and over in my mind. Slowly, I began to feel peace. I began to feel happy and at ease. God is in control of everything. Why am I worrying? Give it all to God. I fell into a peaceful sleep.

When I woke up, I knew that I’m still in the humvee, but I’m not upset because I already gave all my angry and bitter feelings to God. I find that once I give my hurt and negative feelings to God, I feel free. I used the latrine again and decided to listen to a 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) bedtime stories. I don’t know why, but I decided to listen to 好姊姊米利暗 (Good Miriam) because I felt Moses calling me. I closed my eyes and deeply listened to the children bedtime story. Listening to it made me so thankful of what God had given me. The narrator, Auntie Choi, began the story of Moses by saying the Israelites in Egypt were prosperous. Pharaoh was afraid that the Hebrew people might start an uprising so he subjected them to hard labor.

Exodus 1:10 Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more numerous and, if war breaks out, will join our enemies, fight against us and leave the country.”

11 So they put slave masters over them to oppress them with forced labor, and they built Pithom and Rameses as store cities for Pharaoh.

12 But the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and spread; so the Egyptians came to dread the Israelites

13 and worked them ruthlessly.

14 They made their lives bitter with hard labor in brick and mortar and with all kinds of work in the fields; in all their hard labor the Egyptians used them ruthlessly.

However, the more the Hebrews suffered, the more prosperous they became. Hearing that gave me encouragement. It is like a God-given answer to suffering. It teaches me not to be afraid, that God is in control, and that God can use my suffering to benefit me even more. I got to the part where the counselors advised Pharaoh to kill every male child. I can hear the babies’ crying and the mother’s screaming. It felt so real and I felt so sad.

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. –Jewish Proverb

Then, I saw my SOG and P come and say it’s time to go. Happily, I put away my mp3 player and started to leave.

I learned so much about suffering today. One, that I need to suffer to the Biblical standard which is to the point of shedding blood, and two, to “give it all to God.”

睡夢鄉- 39 好姊姊米利暗

 

Sing and Smile and Pray by Sofia Tsatalbasidis

 

Sing the clouds away,

Night will turn to day.

If you sing and sing and sing you’ll sing the clouds away.

 

Smile the clouds away,

Night will turn to day.

If you smile and smile and smile you’ll smile the clouds away.

 

Pray the clouds away,

Pray and pray and pray.

Night will turn to day,

No matter what they say.

 

Sing and smile and pray,

That’s the only way.

If you sing and smile and pray you’ll drive the clouds away.

 

Pray the clouds away,

Sing and smile and pray.

Night will turn to day,

No matter what they say.

 

Sing and smile and pray,

Night will turn to day.

If you sing and smile and pray you’ll drive the clouds away.

 

Sing_and_Smile_Sofia_Tsatalbasidis

12/9/2010: Love people. God judges.

12/9/2010: Love people. God judges.

S: 8:45am

E: 9:22am

I am just about to start making an Asia Friend Finder / OkCupid account but before I do that, there are a few things I wish to write.

I just came back from guard today, and, surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard. I always hate guard because I have to suffer so much. In one day, I finished Book One of The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. My sister likes to read Harry Potter books but for me, this is it. Before reading those Narnia books, I read the Choose Your Own Adventure version of Narnia, called Narnia Solo Games. I played all four books and grew in love with the series. I’m thinking about making my own choose your adventure story.

There is one thing that happened to guard today that is very important. I was on my sleep shift and my sergeant had the same shift as me. He woke me up halfway into the shift and told me we have to go back to the ECP because there was some work to do. I didn’t quite understand what he was saying, so I started to ask questions. It went downhill from there. My sergeant became very mean and hard as stone. I’m a bit traumatized. I don’t understand why my sergeant is acting this way nor do I understand what is going on. Back at the ECP, I thought of a way to bring this issue up because this is an issue that needs to be understood and resolved.

I said, “Sergeant [name], it seems like I’m walking on eggshells. Why is it like this?”

As soon as I said that, my sergeant finally opened up and spilled the truth to me, and although I was nervous and a bit afraid, I’m happy to know the truth. He told me that I have a tendency to always want to know everything and if I do it in front of his superiors, it seems like he can’t control his soldiers. He went on and on trying to get me to understand his point of view. I listened attentively, eager to resolve this conflict. He told me that since my rank is a specialist, I should just execute and not ask questions about why. I thought about what he said and I told him, honestly, that he’s right. It is always me to want to know the big picture. I feel that by knowing as much as I can, I can grow in life skills, but I never noticed that my probing is bothering him. He told me it’s all about perception. If he tells a soldier to do something and that soldier asks “why?” it will make the sergeant look bad. I never realized this so I behaved oblivious to it. He told me he has to play the game, and the game all about appearance. Inside myself, I knew this is wrong. Why can’t man look at the heart also? I told him I will keep this perspective aware as a soldier. In this messed up world, these flawed rules apply, but I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. If you wait long enough, he will come back.

While I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia, the rest of my battle buddies are watching the TV show Lost. I ignored it and as I listened to the plot and the drama, I began to be upset. God’s truth in the Bible shines so much light on this drama. If only these people could start caring about others first instead of themselves, loving one another as themselves, if only they follow God’s ways, then boom! the conflict’s resolved.

James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

If only these characters can stop living for themselves and start living for God and for others, everything will be blissful. There would be peace like a river. I can’t stand watching these secular movies. All I see is people trying to follow their evil desires. They need to live for God, not themselves. Amen! Desire leads to sin and sin, when it is full-grown, leads to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

These characters need to shut the fuck up and follow God, excuse my language, because His ways are the best. They fight for stupid reasons; they kill for stupid reasons, and in the end, they actually hurt themselves. Think of the possibilities if only the characters love one another and let God be the judge.

Psalms 25:10 ¶All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful ¶for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11/29/2010: To Bangladesh with love

11/29/2010: To Bangladesh with love

S: 5:20pm

E: 5:44pm

I was going to play computer games again but I was able to stop myself. It’s hard for me to stop playing. I have a great desire to satisfy my intellect. No! I cannot satisfy myself, I need to satisfy my spirit. Today is a good day because it is a day blessed with His love.

There is a pastor I met on Facebook named Pastor James Rana Biswas. We talked to each other and I found that he needed some financial help for his ministry. Yes! I thought. This is a chance to get treasures in heaven! So, for the next few weeks, I did my best to help him. I should have, however, prayed more, but I failed due to m weaknesses. Among the things he needed is a projector screen. I wrote need because although he doesn’t need it, he is a man living for God, therefore, he needs it. I was, however, unable to ship the projector screen directly to him, nor was I able to have it shipped here. A church friend, Jonathan, helped me and I received the package today. I took it and sent it to my post office and now it’s enroute to Bangladesh. I am so happy because know that I’m doing this for God’s kingdom.

Many people like to tell me that I hardly know him, that he may be a scam, that he may be fake, that he may be evil. No! It’s okay. These things don’t matter. I’m not doing this for man, I’m doing this for God. What he does with it will be up to the Lord’s perfect judgment. What matters is that God sees my act. God doesn’t need anything from us (Psalm 50:9-10), but the poor widow who gave two pennies, which is all she had, Jesus commended (Mark 12:43). When we help people, we must stop judging and just give. Don’t give to him, but give it to God through him. That gift will then belong to God and whether he does with it is none of my concern. God is the judge.

I think the same goes with homeless people. I know some people make a living off of begging, even though they might be rich. They might enjoy begging, I don’t know, but what matters is not how he will use it, or spend it, or blah blah blah with it, but what matters is I try to love and serve God by giving to the poor. We are limited. We see only the outside. We only know so much. But God is unlimited. He can see the heart and He knows everything. If someone pretends to be poor, or is poor, I will still give it to him or her because I love God. It is God’s love that allows me to love tax collectors and sinners. Obey God and let Him be the judge.

The desire to play that fun card strategy game is increasing. I cannot play that game because it satisfies my soul, not my spirit. I need to pray. I need to sing. I need to read the Pilgrims Progress. I am rereading that book because it’s awesome. All of us Christians are on this road and we need to be careful not to go astray. I still go astray anyways but what matters is not giving up!

 

是愛 It’s Love

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

S: 10:07am

E: 11:43am

Yesterday, I had guard duty! I just came back from it today and tried to sleep, but, couldn’t without at least writing something about it. If I sleep, I may forget what I want to write or I may lack the desire to write it. I wrote an outline before I started writing this so I won’t forget.

The day before I had guard, I finally managed to have the guts to go back on Facebook. My close friend convinced me, in my words, to not be afraid and let God be the judge. I find that I’m so afraid of being judged. When I went on, the first thing I saw was a wall post by Auntie Linda telling me that the interview is on the air on Youtube. I immediately grew afraid because I’m afraid of being judged. In the interview, I told Auntie Linda and my mom that one of the best opportunities to share the gospel and teach the soldiers about the Bible is in guard duty. How ironic that tomorrow is my guard duty! I start to grow nervous. What if it’s the same as last time, which I was unprepared for the job but still won an inner victory. I cannot mess up this time so on the day of my guard, I went to the PX and brought lots and lots of snacks and I took an iron pill I brought from Taiwan. The reason why I’m so tired is because of my borderline iron deficiency (result from a blood test at PCC before I joined the Army). This is my chance to awaken people again! Heh. In the end, the chips gave me something to do while the iron kept me awake. I was still tired, I still slept during our resting periods, but I felt more energetic and have as much energy as my peers. My SOG told me I should start taking iron pills. I told them, besides the difficulty of finding one here, there are side effects. The main side effect is constipation. When I took one in Taiwan, I didn’t poop for a whole day. This time however, I had no problem. Hmm, strange. Praise God. Thanks to the hemoglobin, the guard shift today was relatively easier and it also went by quick, probably due to our conversations. By the time I know it, it was already afternoon. I was happy because time is going fast.

One of the main things we talked about is the girl I love. My SOG told me when we get back, he will help me find a girlfriend. I told him I already have a girlfriend. They told me that a girlfriend is by mutual consent. Both love each other. They were disgusted that I was referring her as my girlfriend. In the end, I agreed that she is not my girlfriend, but the girl I love. They asked me (my SOG knew a little about this situation because he punished me when I was late for work trying to ship a gold necklace to her) when was the last time she talked to me. I said, “um, like last January,” which is nine months ago! Between the blockings, the long ago contact, they are saying I am depriving myself of happiness and I should just drop her and find someone else. It’s not that easy. I tried to explain my promise to God of seven years, the little miracles I think God did to remind me of my promise. Still, I find myself losing on the logical front. What if God was trying to tell me to find another girl, a girl who loves God? How will I know? I can only know by prayer. I was giggling (sometimes in embrassment) and smiling the whole time I was telling the story. They could feel my emotions, but were serious about this. They asked am I still trying to contact her. I said no, the last time was in March (I realized now that I lied. The real time was closer to May?), only three months later. My NCO was worried about me. He doesn’t want me to be a stalker, to be a serial killer. No, how can I do that? It is totally against the Bible. I know she has free will (Genesis 24:5-8). She can choose whatever she wants. I told them if she has a boyfriend or is married (they asked that) I will then be free from my oath. Looking back, I felt what I said in the last sentence was wrong. My promise to God was to pray for seven years for her and if nothing happens then I would just be single and live for God. But, they wanted me to have a girlfriend, and as my last note said, I do really need one. I do need a companion who can go with me through green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death. I tried to convince them that God can find a way. All things are possible with God (Mark 10:27). But, they told me again that she has free will. Defeated, I admitted that they are right. I was being illogical. I told them I am going to do what I was going to do on my notes, that is to ask someone close to her if she has any affection for me. If not, then I will find another girl. They suggested Christian dating sites and I told them I can easily get a girlfriend. They also told me that I should have some experience first and just socialize one on one with a girl, any girl. That, to me, is wrong. Dating is preparation for marriage (thanks Ben Ku!) I can’t just be emotionally connected with a girl I’m not going to marry. Yes, I would get experience, but I would also satisfy my flesh, and I know that the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:6-8). If I satisfy my flesh, my flesh would want more. I learned this the hard way. So, that is what I will do. Maybe. I would see if she’s still thinking about me. That’s all. If not, then I’ll find somebody else.

Or, and this has come to my mind recently. How about the story of Watchman Nee and the girl he loved?

In his writings, Nee had trouble growing closer to God. He wanted the Holy Spirit, but God won’t give it to him. Through prayer, he found that Charity, his childhood sweetheart, still occupied a large place in his heart. And for a time, he just can’t surrender that room to God. Finally, when he did surrender this room to God, God poured out His spirit to him and he felt free! He felt like so light and so happy! He felt unimaginable happiness.

“By January of 1922 there was already a small gathering of the Lord’s people at ‘Tze Yuan’ [‘Tze Garden’]. I remembered one day that I was going to have to preach that very day. So I opened my Bible, trying to find a suitable subject. I happened to read Psalm 73, verse 25, which states: ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.’ Upon reading it, I confessed that I could not say these words as the psalmist had said. At the time I knew that there was something hindering the relationship between me and God. For over ten years I had had deep affections for Charity.∗ She was not saved at that time. I tried to preach the gospel to her, but she always laughed at me. We truly loved each other. I let her laugh at the Lord Jesus whom I preached. In my heart she always occupied a very large place. I had frequently asked myself if I should continue to let her occupy such a place in my heart. We all know that when a young man is in love, it is most difficult for him to lay it aside. Although with my lips I said to God that I was willing to lay her aside, in my heart I was unwilling to do so. I now read that verse in the Psalms again. I could honestly confess that I could not lay her aside. During that entire week I could not say, ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee’ The Spirit of God had put His finger on this very issue as the hindrance to my being filled with the Holy Spirit. On that particular day I still went to preach, though I did not know what I was preaching about.

“Later on, I began to reason with God. I asked Him to give me power first, and then I would lay her aside. But God never reasons with men. In my youthfulness I promised God many things: I would go to Tibet to preach the gospel; I promised Him I would do this and that; but God would not listen. His finger persistently pointed at this girl friend as my obstacle. No matter how I prayed, I could not get through. My heart was really heavy. I even begged God to change His heart. But no, He insisted on my dealing with this matter. It was as though there was a piercing of my heart with a sharp sword. God wanted me to learn a deeper lesson; otherwise I would be of no use in His hand.

“On yet another day I preached in the morning. In the afternoon I was in my room under great heaviness of heart. I told God that since I would be going back to school the next Monday I wanted Him to fill me with the love of Christ. I was now ready to lay aside my lover. The love of Christ had so constrained me that I was determined to put her aside. With this decision made I could say from my heart the words of Psalm 73.25. My inside was filled with unspeakable joy. Even though I had not ascended to the third heaven, I could say I had been to the second heaven, so happy and full of joy was I. The world now became insignificant to me. I felt as though I were floating on a cloud. On the night when I was saved, the burden of my sins had been rolled away. On this day (13 February 1922), all obstacles in my heart had been removed. Not long afterwards many people were saved” (Watchman Nee in A Short Biography of Watchman Nee)

My peers told me that I’m still very preoccupied with her. I tried to deny it, but they persisted. I admitted that, yes, I did think about her often, probably as often as every day. My peers want me to be happy. They want me to find my soulmate. But, I told them, later on, that it depends what people value. If my value is happiness, about being happy, then by all means, I would try to find a girlfriend, but, my value isn’t happiness. What people value and what I value are different. Most people value money, happiness, and fame, but I value eternal life, righteousness, and love. It’s okay if I’m unhappy. My true, eternal happiness rests with God. I don’t really get offended if people steal or take things away from me because my value is not on money. In fact, sometimes I kind of want to give these things to them, to help them and hopefully, to teach them how much God loves them. It’s not my money, but God’s. If they steal from me, God will be the judge.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:16 – Romans 12:21 (NIV)

People think I’m a pushover because of it, but no, I am simply waiting on the Lord. I try to be loving to everybody because the Bible tells me to and because I know, deep inside, it’s the right thing to do.

I feel I am now in Watchman Nee’s position. This girl I love is occupying a big place in my heart. Will I cast it down and give the room back to God? I feel it’s difficult; I feel it’s impossible, but it is for God’s glory. And, I don’t really need a companion. As long as the shepherd of my soul is with me, I will be alright. He is in full control.

Wow, the iron pill is working! It is now 11:20am and I’m still awake! Usually, I’m fast asleep by 0900.

I also played two games of “LIFE” on my peer’s computer. I watched her play for a little while and I grew interested. This game, originally a board game, is played against other players. Like monopoly, you move your piece around the board to reach the end. Unlike monopoly, you can’t buy anything. The object of the game is to get as much money as possible by getting as much “LIFE” points, high career, etc. I dislike how, in the end, your life points (experiences) is converted into money. To me, life experience is priceless, it’s wrong to put a dollar sign to it. I played the first round being me (I chose teacher, house initially so I can provide a wonderful home for the girl I love (I know, sorry) and later, a mobile home [so I can go around telling others about Jesus!], the risky life (since I want don’t want to be part of the timid souls who “know neither victory nor defeat” [Theodore Roosevelt]), etc. Needless to say, I lost (got last place too), but I had fun. The second round, I tried to win, and praise God, I got good luck. I did win. I first did the investment, then paid my debt, and played cleverly.

At the very end of our guard duty, something horrible happened that tried to mimic my last guard shift. I lost the equipment keys! I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t find it. But, after I gave up hope and went to the PX to buy new locks, my sergeant called and told me it’s found! Whew, praise God!

Throughout the guard shift and my life after coming back from Taiwan, I tried to not be afraid, but to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).

I also shared my career goals to my sergeant, which is about my desire to do part-time ministry and to be a special education teacher. He told me he can’t see me as a special ed teacher. Really? Oh well, I will still do my best.

Lastly, I talked to him about my college fears. I told him the reason why I suspended my college is not only because of my gaming addiction, although it played a critical role, but also because I was just afraid of doing my best work or not, and seeing my grades as a result. For me, I have to do my best work. I cannot just write an essay in one day in six-hours. I need to spend six one-hour days working on my essay. If I do not show my best effort in my work, I’m just afraid to submit it. After much talking, my sergeant told me the reason why is because I’m afraid of people judging me. I’m surprised at his insight. I am afraid of being judged. I’m afraid to go on Facebook often because I’m afraid of being judged. I can’t submit my sub-standard work (even if it will be late) because of being judged. Many things I thought about doing were eliminated because of my fear of being judged. I need to cast down my fears and let God be my judge.

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

S: 3:13am

E: 5:13am

I was going to go back to sleep but I had a dream and a few teachings that I remembered from <i>Way of the Master</i> that I want to share. To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). I thought of something, a few inspirations, that if it gives glory to God, cannot be delayed. I wanted to sleep, but I must obey God rather than my flesh. Hmm, if Peter teaches us to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29), how much more do we need to obey God rather than our flesh?

[Note: This is kind of embarrassing, but I still need to post it truthfully because my God is the god of truth.]

I dreamed of Ben K as a youth pastor, leading the worship service. This time, he has gotten famous and is leading worship services for many different churches (in my dream, different FECA churches). I remember helping out the bulletin so Ben Ku can perform in our church (FEC-SGV). After that performance, I remember myself going into one of his worship services. He is singing Christian songs (songs we used to sing at CIA) but he looks different. He looks bearded up, like a hippie. Sorry about my description, but it’s according to my dream. I saw how he keeps talking to worldly people and how he tries to gain acceptance from them (secular, Rock & Roll crowd, etc). I felt that he is going astray as a Christian to be acceptable to the world. I decided to talk to him. I hope he still remembers me. I know he still remembers me; I was with him back in 8th grade (it’s true, and it’s in the dream). I tried to talk to him, and looking at how busy he is and with somebody from the world that keeps following and talking to him, I decided that my best bet is to ask to speak to him privately. I asked if I can speak to him outside. I was having trouble talking and getting him to agree with me because I wasn’t that important to him. He just remembers me. As I kept trying, we naturally stepped outside, which the ground is snow (I didn’t feel cold and it wasn’t snowing; I’m just writing what I know for sure in the dream). I found myself outside in the snow, behind a pickup truck (I only remember the back open trunk, not the truck itself). There was initially two people on the truck. One got off (a girl, I think, and both Asian) leaving Deborah S on the truck. I said, “Deborah, please stay with me.” I needed her help just in case. I told Ben K how he wasn’t the youth pastor he used to be (a person who follows and loves God) and how he needs to be “Asian” again. He is still wildly popular to all Asians (don’t ask, it’s my dream). Then, from inspiration, something told me to pick up a chuck of snow and try to use it to play with him. I picked up a chuck of snowy ice and half threw at his snow boots (they look strangely like my Army boots). I want him to remember his past. Seeing the snow reminds me of the Alpine retreat camp, a retreat which I have strong memories on. Something awakened inside him and he bent down, made a snowball, and threw it at someone. I thought it was going to miss, but it hit someone (a young girl, someone I knew back then, from church). Everybody in the dream were people I knew, but when they were in middle school. I thought she might react to the hit, but she just ignores it and continued to run. I had a feeling that I succeed in my mission and I woke up.

While waking up, I thought about Gabriel M’s status update that said, “There is a God, but he won’t wipe your butt for you (something like that)”. My mind gave me counter-arguments but mostly to challenge atheists and to convince them that there is a God. Basically, my argument to atheists that there is a God is this:

If you look at the evidence on both sides (God vs. no God), the evidence shows that there is a God. All you need is something that is supernatural to believe that there is a God; do you really think this whole world is made by chance? Where does matter come from? How can a variety of matter exist out of nothingness?

My God, the living God, is a God who made me and knows me; He knows my name.

Psalms 139:1  O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

When he made me, he knows that we need a Savior to save us from death.

And also, people who like to attack others; to bring other’s down, will not succeed for it is God who humbles and exalts:

1 Samuel 2:7  The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts.

8  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. “For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; upon them he has set the world.

For people who attack others by saying that they are nothing, they are right! The Bible says we are nothing. We are the clay, he is the potter. We need him to make us into something, a holy instrument used by the Lord (2 Timothy 2:21). We all are nothing, we all are weak, we all need God.

Let’s use the example of David and Goliath. How many people, before the actual battle think David will win? Not much. How many people think Goliath will win? Probably most. Yet, it is the person the world thinks will lose that wins.

Isaiah 40:28  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

29  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

30  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 Corinthians 1:27  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

So when people attack me by saying that I’m nothing, they are right. I am nothing, but it is God who can make something out of nothing.

One of my pet peeves is people who attack the person (their weaknesses, faults, deficiencies) rather than helping the person build him/her up or to find ways to improve areas of weaknesses. They are the ones who attack the builders rather than the building. They attack, criticize, judge with the intention of demoralizing their victims.

James 3:8  but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.

10  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

Psalms 140:1  Rescue me, O LORD, from evil men; protect me from men of violence,

2  who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day.

3  They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Selah

4  Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.

Back to Jerusalem, a Chinese Christian organization built by multiple house churches in China, plans to sent 100,000 missionaries in the countries between Jerusalem and Beijing. The second they unveiled their plans to the world, criticism followed. Critics attack the plan, the organization, anything to prevent, what they think won’t happen, from happening.

Acts 5:38  Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.

39  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

In their article “Dealing with Criticism- Lessons for Serving God” BTJ started the article with:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The

credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred

by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes

short again and again; because there is not effort without error and

shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the

great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause,

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who

at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place

shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor

defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), 26th President of the United States

www.backtojerusalem.com

The article wrote that Noah, Moses, David, Nehemiah, most OT prophets, and many others were the targets of criticism. Some people try to make their opinions become reality by attacking the individual hoping that, in the end, does become reality. But, praise God, I know that my God is strong and that my God is loving.

Psalms 62:11  One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12  and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Some people make a living by attacking people. Others make a living by helping people. Some people are good. Some people are evil. Which side will you be on?

If this blog doesn’t offend you, then you have nothing to worry about. This blog will only offend those who deserve to be offended. May it give strength to the weak but a sword to those who destroys.

————————————

Now a change of subject.

I find that girls in Taiwan are so beautiful. Nowhere else in the world can I find girls as beautiful as those in Taiwan. It seems every girl I see is pretty and cute. But, I cannot chase them nor will I allow my eyes to cause me to sin (despite the fact that I tried, I still lusted with my eyes and thus, sinned). I told my mom that I won’t chase any girl (even though I really, really! want to) because there is another girl I promised God to. It’s so painful, almost like torture. When my relatives asks me if I have a girlfriend (their intension is for me to get a girl in Taiwan), I told them yes (hesitantly). I cannot love another. I told my mom that after my seven years, I will just give my life to God.

Beautiful girls, all over the world / oh I could be chasin’ but my life would be wastin’ / I need to follow God, baby / I need to follow God, baby.

Haha.

Oh, I almost forgot. I remember one time when James and me went into our church’s conference room at the office. On the conference table, I remember seeing a marker that reads: “Are you focusing on the problem or the solution?” James and I laughed but the problem of destructive criticism is real.

23 Jan 2010

23 Jan 2010
12:35pm

I need to stop reacting negatively when people treat me inferiorly. I need to submit to God and let Him be the judge. We are all inferior to God. The Bible says there is no one who does good. People are trying to think they are part of the “elite” class, they try to rely on their own strength and smarts. Their strength is limited, but if I trust in God, my strength will be unlimited. With a donkey’s jawbone, I can make donkeys of them. Amen. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen.

25 Jan 2010
12:45pm

These days are hard for me. It’s hard to do both God’s work and man’s work at the same time. I get tired; I don’t get enough rest. During the work day, of course I do the best I can. The Bible says pretend I’m not working for man but working for God. I always try to volunteer, try to be useful, but it’s tough. Few days ago, I was so discouraged that I prayed that the girl I love could send me a message. I don’t care how. Either by e-mail, phone call, etc. Everyday, I feel God gives me just enough. Just like basic training. It was awful. I would hate to go back to that time. When I came back to my room, I found that my internet is down! I later found out that the friend I’m using the internet from, is ETSing (leaving) tomorrow. I knew about that, but I didn’t know it was that soon. So, I’m stuck without internet, and have to rely occasionally from my friends or bike to a CeeZee café. It’s okay, cause I’m still pumping out music videos for God. I have a lot to do and not so much time.

I feel writing more is wasting time, but I’m going to the range next week to qualify for my weapon (M16). I shot sharpshooter in basic. I was very surprised that I shot sharpshooter. In basic, I suck at everything lol. It’s awful. I feel all someone needs is a cocky attitude towards me and he wins. The drill sergeants were so surprised that I shot a sharpshooter that they thought my babysitter shot the targets for me. He was pissed off too, because he didn’t pass and he denied that he was helping me. Who wants to help me anyways? Only God can help me. So we took the qualifying test again and I got sharpshooter again. My babysitter passed this time; he got a marksman. When I was shooting, I knew I have to shoot by faith. I was wearing two glasses: my normal civilian glasses and my eye protection. Due to that, I can’t see clearly. The eye pro presses against my eye brows which causes sweat to drip down my glasses. It gets even worse to see through the tiny sight picture. To make matters worse, I still have some double vision, despite my surgery when I was a child. My eyes now just LOOK normal. I get a little nervous every time I go to get my eyes checked. I prayed that the doctor won’t notice my double vision and so far, they haven’t. My whole military life teaches me that I can’t trust or depend on my own strength. I would be dead by now. I have to rely on God. I was born 3 months premature. I would have died, but  no, God saved me.

I also feel everyday is a life-threatening day for me. God saved my life everyday. I need to be happy when I’m weak because when I’m weak, then I’m strong.