Remember Me App Review


Remember Me App Review


“… do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19

I have been trying to memorize scriptures in the Bible, however, it is harder than it seems. It’s not easy nor is it efficient to just crack open the Bible and start memorizing lines. I have to find the correct verses and it can be a pain. Searching online for Bible verses is better but there is no review, no follow up. Enter Remember Me.

This Bible app is amazing. It keeps track of the Bible verses you selected and reminds you to review them after a certain amount of time is up and is based on levels. For the Bible verses, you can select multiple versions of the Bible and they even have the 1984 New International Version! Selecting the right version on a verse is important because I feel each version may portray the truth or clarity of a verse differently.

The app also contains a repository where you can select verses to remember. It also contains a cloud where you can sign in to store your data. I find this feature very useful because just a few days ago, I had to factory reset my phone but, thank God, my progress is saved.

But it is the testing and the infographic on the scores that makes the app fun. For testing, the app feature modes such as multiple choice, line by line, fill-in-the-blank, and keyboard input. And for each verse that you master for the day, you earn a score based on how many words are in the verse. You can check your progress and all time-best in the scores section.

This app is very motivational, versatile, easy-to-use, and helpful for anyone wanting to memorize Scriptures. Below are some screenshots of the app.






Remember Me App Website:

Download for Android:

Download for iPhone

Other Downloads

2017.2.15: My Date with God

2017.2.15: My Date with God

God, it doesn’t matter how much You give me. I’m still going to love You. It doesn’t matter how much you give me compared to others. It doesn’t matter God, if you give someone a billion dollars and you only give me a penny. It doesn’t matter how much you give me. I’m still going to love You. Your praise will always be on my lips. Even if you stop giving me. Even if you cut me off, God, what You have done for me is already so much for me. So much for us.

It doesn’t matter if I incur abuse from people, from people who love You or not. It doesn’t matter if they say things that hurt me. If they say things that are true but very painful to me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, I’m still going to love You. Your praise will always be on my lips.

It doesn’t matter if people make me feel rejected. It doesn’t matter what people do to me or how I interpret it. I’m still going to love You to seek You, to at least try, to try my best. Your praise will always be on my lips.

And it doesn’t matter if people hurt me even more, when they say that I don’t love You, that I don’t really seek You that I don’t really love You. Well, God, I’m still going to love You, I’m still going to seek You. If I suck at loving You, at seeking You, then I’m still going to love You to seek You. Your praise will always be on my lips. Even if I’m going to hell, O Lord, I’m still going to love You and worship You and seek You for the rest of my life, at least try, but I’ll try to try my best, because I know You love me. I know You are the one true God. The God of heaven and earth. You will have your bride.

And God, I will still love those people. I will still try to love those who hate me, or who have hurt me, whether righteously or not. I will still love them, I will still pray for them, I will still bless them. That is the difference. They may curse they may attack me they may do anything to me even say that they love me that’s why they do these things to me. But God, help me not to take revenge. Help me to continue to bless them, to pray for them. To love them. Thank you God. To love your family, to love your people, to love all those that You have made.

If they tell me that me blessing them is actually more evidence that I hate them, then God, Your praise will always be on my lips. Then I will hug them, to love them, to kiss them out of love. To give them a fish, to give them what is good. Not to show off, but to show that I love them.

So God, regardless of what people do to me, regardless of what you give me, regardless of where I am compared to others, I will still try and try to try my best to love You and to seek You. Your praise will always be on my lips. If you take away my penny or what is worth my life and I die, then I will die still trying to love You and seek You. I will die a seeker.

So God, I thank You for giving me the ability to survive, to praise You, to worship You, to love others, and to pray and bless my enemies. If they want to kill me, I will not resist. I will put myself in Your hands. And if I die, I will die seeking You, I will die trying to love You. I will die an overcomer.

Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus.

And help me Lord, to continuously pray for those around me. I will raise a spiritual aura. I will raise a continual aura of prayer. Of blessings. Of You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Give me strength.

And to add, it doesn’t matter if nobody reads my blog or not. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I love God. It doesn’t matter as long as I try to seek You and love You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Your praise will always be on my lips.

A new commandment I give you: Love one another as I have loved you. John 13:34


2016.11.15: MDWG

2016.11.15: MDWG (My Date with God)

9:44pm – 10:29pm (session continues)

God, I come before You with open hearts, with open minds, with open hands, with open soul. Jesus, I thank you for your love and your mercy and your grace. I thank you that I can help people in Christ. I’m so happy! Thank you God!!

God, help us to love You, help us to worship You. It doesn’t matter if what I say is a repeat, your praise will always be on my lips. You do not work as this world works; You do not work as this world operates. Your truths are unchanging; you are unchanging. Your songs last and rings for eternity. Help me O God, I believe in You.

Jesus, I thank you for giving me, for giving us opportunities. You give us opportunities everyday. The Devil is a liar. You are the God of many chances. You are the God of many opportunities. You are the God of patience. You are the God who sees, who sees through every situation.

My money is but a test. It is here, given to me on Earth to do Your will.

God, can you bless my pastors. Whether it’s my former pastor, my current pastor, or my pastor overseas. Bless all the pastors, bless all the priests, bless the loyal priesthood. Bless them, O God, that they may continue to declare Your name to the next generation.

Help us not to fear as the world fears. The world give us threats and lies but You give us your promise sure. Help us, O Lord, to declare Your name to the next generation.

God, I thank you and even if the worse were to come, help me Lord, to cling to You, to seek You. This is my Father’s world. I will not be afraid.

Father, increase my courage, increase my capacity to love, increase my capacity to seek You, increase my capacity to understand right from wrong because you knit us in the inmost womb.

Thank you Father, you are a good good Father. God, you are very important to us. Teach us to love You more. Teach us to seek You more. If I die, then may I die for love; may I die for You.

O God, You are enough for me. You are all we need. Jesus, forgive us, You are all we need. Bring us back to You, O Lord. And God, I will continue to sing and dance in troubled times but also in joyful times, in cursed times, and also in blessed times. Thank you God, for You are the God who rescues me; You are the God who sets me free. Christ is enough for me. Everything I need is in You.

You are all we need, O God. You are all we seek, O God. Thank you Jesus.

Help me to fix my eyes on You. Thank you God for your songs; thank you God for your motivation. I bless the singers, the worshippers of God. It doesn’t matter how they sing, as long as they glorify You, O Lord, may you bless them, may you give them your morning dew from heaven every day.

Teach us God, to love You more. May this world seek Your Face. God, I’m going to evangelize, it doesn’t matter how good I am or how sucky I am, what matters is my heart. You weigh the heart O God, you weigh people’s hearts. Jesus, give me the wisdom and the strength and the courage and the discipline to tell others about this unfailing love. Forgive us O God, and bring us closer to You.

Let there be no disagreements no arguing between group of believers. God, if they hate me, help me to love them because what really matters is they love You. They don’t have to love me as long as they love You. They don’t have to help me as long as they help You, as long as they serve You. But God, may you open the doors of help, the doors of angels, the God of Angel Armies, please help me, and God, as long as I am with You, help will come from Your people, in one form or another.

When darkness seems to hide His Face, help me to rest on Your unchanging Grace. Your veil is holy.

[In Chinese] Lord Jesus, You are God. From forever to forever, You are God. Lord Jesus, help us to worship You, help us to follow You, help us to serve You.

Jesus, you are the God of Wonders; You are the God of greatness. God, my feet almost slipped today, my feet is close to slippering everyday, but when my feet slips, help me, to look up to You and not at the mess, not at the mud, not at my injures or my pain, but to look up to You and You will lift me up.

God, even if I don’t feel it, You are always with me. You are with me from my childhood, to my youth, to my days in high school, to my days in college, and then the Army, and then college, even now. You are always there with me.

So what can we say, what can we do, but offer this heart O God, completely to You. God you are worthy, God you are holy. Help us to give ourselves to You. Help us to give ourselves 100% to You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

So Lord, what can I say, what can I do, but to Worship You. Thank you God.

I know Lord, that I am facing so much stress and dark times and temptations in my life right now but continue to give me patience and to fix my eyes on You. Thank you Jesus. Help me to honor and respect my fellow brothers and sisters. Thank you God.

You are a forever God. You are forever. Thank you Jesus.

God help me to us the abilities you have given me for Your glory. Help me to pick up my sword and fight for love. Your love O God, have won for me. You won me over with your love, with your mercy, with your grace. Thank you Jesus.

You are the God who judges me. You are the God who has chosen me. You are the God that keeps me singing, that keeps me dancing.

It’s nice to know, I’m not alone, I’ve found a home here in Your arms.

(session continues)

Song: This I Believe (The Creed)- Hillsong, Christ is Enough- Hillsong, Cornerstone- Hillsong, The Stand- Hillsong, We Dance- Bethel,

11/29/2016: Helen-Class Cruiser

11/29/2016: Helen-Class Cruiser

5:08pm – 5:55pm  edited 10:03pm

Sometimes, in the war-games that I play, I liken my life in the spirit to a fleet of ships. How I seek Him, how I love Him, how I pursue and follow and obey Him, is reflected on the condition of my ships. When I am weak spiritually, my fleet is, naturally, very weak. However, there are other ships, and technologies from others, that I incorporate into my fleet to make it stronger.

Throughout my life, there have been people and organizations who, in the spirit, influenced me greatly, whom I admire, and whom I spent a lot of time with. Those people or groups may come through my life and leave, but the memories of them, the influence they have on me, is imprinted in my life for at least a very long time.

I admire those people or groups, and I begin to copy them, to emulate their strengths, their personalities, their desires and will, from what I know of them. I build a cruiser, a destroyer, using their technology. Some people and groups have stand-alone ships, some are incorporated into the rest of my fleet, and others have both.

In the Army, one of the people I admired spiritually was Endora. I saw her as someone who loves God, who has a passion, a deep love for Him. So I began to seek God using, to the best of my knowledge, of her worship to God. I jokingly told myself that I have an Endora-class cruiser.

Now, before I continue, I want to let everyone know that the root of all cruisers is God. The root of all Endora-class cruisers, Helen-class cruisers, Bethel technology, is God. To worship anyone else is idolatry. But each of us have different spiritual strengths of seeking Him and it is learning from others, of how they worship God, their mindset, their knowledge, their learnings, that I get to grow and enrich my experience with God and to help me to be closer to Him.


Many times, when I struggle in my faith, it is those ships, those special classes of ships, that can effectively fight against the enemy. Just like in the Bible when God ordered that Judah go first to fight against his brother Benjamin, sometimes it is those ships, that go first to fight against the enemy, because the rest of my fleet, the ones mostly built by me, are too weak or they lack the weaponry that these other ships have.

When I’m weak in spirit, sometimes I think of other Christian heroes and they inspire me to continue or fight on.  The songs from Bethel, Hillsongs, and the many artists from K-Love, the preachings from Ignite, the leaders and disciples that I get to mingle and grow with, all gave me their influence, their technology, their knowledge and wisdom, their passion, their mindset, their reasons, to worship, love, and seek God.  I would not get far in my relationship with God if I were to just seek Him alone, using my own mindsets and technology.  As Christian brothers and sisters, we need to learn from each other, to share our discoveries with God, so we can collectively be empowered to fight against the enemy.






11/12-13 (night of)/2016: MDWG

11/12-13 (night of)/2016: MDWG

12:56am – 1:35am

God, I thank You for today. For everything that You have done for me. For giving me hope. Lord…. But You still love me. …

I guess the most important thing is to try even if I will fail. Thank You God. … Jesus, my desires are an open field before You. You know my song.

[I felt a sense of dread but speaking in tongues and saying the God of Peter is my God among other affirmations helps to dispel it. Also prayed for protection against retaliation. Came when I decided to get my 2016 petitions.] Father God, .. my petitions lie before You.

Protect us O God. I feel something dark, something dark that is coming in the world. It’s nice to know I’m not alone found my home here in Your arms. Or my life. Take my sword and fight for love.

Times are going to get darker, O God, but help us O God, to pick up our swords and fight for love. Prepare us O God. Ready us O Lord and keep us readied. Help us to dance with You Jesus. Protect us Jesus, protect us O God. I found a home here in Your arms.

So Jesus, protect us O God, protect us from the dark times. Jesus, bring us back to You, bring us back to You O God. I remember the times of evangelism, O God. I can look back to those times. The memorable moments of my life are with You and other believers. The memorable moments of my life is when I decided to pick up my sword to fight for love. Thank You Jesus for your mercy, Thank You God for your grace. Forgive us O Lord. Forgive us O God. You are the God who saves me. Help us to dance with You.

Thank You God. I feel safe; I feel happy with You. May my home be in Your arms. Thank You Jesus. May your songs, may your praise never end.
Songs listened: We Dance- Bethel,

11/9/2016: My Date With God

11/9/2016: My Date With God

12:21am – 12:42am (but session continues)

Father, I love You, forgive me O God, forgive our sins. Jesus, it doesn’t matter who becomes the next president, what matters O God, is people follow You, what matters is people seek You. You are the God of mercy and grace, You are the God of second chances, You are the God of peace, You are the God of hope, You are the God of love, You are the God of everything good.

God, may You bless whoever becomes the next president, be it Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. Bless that person, O God, that that person can seek You and listen to You and follow You. Lord, may You give that person wisdom and discernment. May You give that person the ability and the leaders of our country the ability to become great.

God, one thing that bothers me a lot is the treatment of prisoners. God, I have been there, and I know their hope, their chances. You are their only chance, You are their only hope. God can You please help them and Lord, may You use me someday to help them. Maybe my internship at Dismas Charities is not lost.

God, may You protect us. Protect those who are weak. Protect those who seek You. Father, teach us to love You. Teach us to worship You.

God, though You, nothing is impossible. Help me to live by faith. God, I’ve been making efforts to seek You more, to love You more. I know my weaknesses; I know my faults, but I am trying with the best of my knowledge and ability, to seek You more.

God, I thank You for today. I thank You for helping me resist sin and temptation. I thank You for helping me achieve what I needed to do, mostly. I thank You for inspiring me. I know, Lord, that I still sleep late and I still play late-night games, but God, I’m trying to make progress in that area.

God, our country needs You. It doesn’t matter what the results are. It doesn’t matter how much we have or don’t have. It doesn’t matter what other people or nations think. Our wound is great. Our wound is severe. And God, help us to seek healing.

You are the God that teaches us. Thank You Jesus. I go to sleep late but not in vain, at least, because I have chosen, at least partially, to seek You, and God, may You increase my space, my land, for You. Forgive me, O God.

Why do people suffer so much for You, I don’t really understand? Surely, they know You. They know You more than me. Why is it that I wait for the last minute before I seek You? Help me God, to seek You always.

God, You are good and You are holy. You are just. It should’ve been me, long time ago, but You, gave me mercy. It’s not easy for me to say this.

Father, if I die seeking You then my life is worth it. Thank you God for helping me in my life. Thank You God for healing me. Thank You God for giving me hope and a future.

God, teach us O Lord, and help us to overcome our flesh. Thank You Jesus, deliver us. [Session continues but will end transcribing]

Songs listened: (random music from my Favorites folder) Same Power- Jeremy Camp, I Must Tell Jesus- Hymn, Nothing Is Impossible- Planetshakers, The Prayer- Josh Groban, Should’ve Been Me- Citizen Way, [session continues but will end transcribing]


11/2/2016: My Date with God

Footnote (11/15/2016): I’ve second thoughts about posting this but this is a project and if I don’t I will lose momentum. This shows that we are all sinners and that we all need forgiveness. What matters is not how much you sin but whether you return to God and repent.

[delayed posting on facebook]

11/2/2016: My Date with God

12:05am – 12:44am
Opening: Father, I’ve sinned against You. I have sinned against you. Forgive me O God, for your mercy is very great. You gave me abilities; you gave me talents, you gave me gifts, you gave me wonders, you gave me friends, thank you Father. For you are good and everything about You is good. Jesus, today is going to be a very short session, forgive me God, because it’s so late. God, you the sins of my heart. Surely the heart is deceitful above all things. Surely [she] is right in saying that the heart is deceitful. God, I almost made today a holy day, it was so close. Why Lord, does it have to be an all-or-nothing day? Forgive me God, for I live to please You. I will try again when I wake up O God, for your mercies are new everyday. Your grace is new everyday. Thank you so much for what you have done for me. Thank you so much for what you have done in my life.

God, I ask that you forgive me and wipe away my sins. Just as you will wipe away every tear from people’s eyes, every sorrow, every depression, every bondage, every sufferings, every tribulations. God, forgive me. I repent. I will follow You and seek You. Surely the heart is deceitful.

God, I was thinking about playing a song, a melody, because it’s my tradition or maybe a habit, or maybe because a part of me still wants to worship You, but how can I play music when I just sinned against You? Surely sin not only keeps people away from You, it also limits the worship that people may give You.

[Speaking in tongues]

God, I thank You that I have the ability to speak in tongues. I thank You that you gave me the ability to support and to help people. That’s my specialty. Through helping others, my soul, myself becomes stronger. I become strong through service. Thank You God, and help me to serve You. With You, there is a never-ending amount of service. You are worthy of all the praise. You are worthy of all the honor; you are worthy of everything. Everything good. I can always pray. I can always fast. I can always seek You. I can always talk to You. I can always sing to You. I can always pray and intercede for others. Thank you God.

Father You know, there was time when, in my pride perhaps, I thought to myself in the military that I am the only one that seeks You; that I am the only one that follows and loves You. God, now I know that I’m not the only one that gives praise, that I’m not the only one that loves You. That, in fact, my church, many people, surpass me in devotion to You. Surely the heart is deceitful. Surely I am like an unpredictable wave, tossing and turning, an unpredictable ship.

God, help me to spend time with You. Help me to love You. Why do I wait for the last minute, past the last minute to worship You, to spend time with You. Why do I give you my lastfruits and not my firstfruits? Not all of it.

Jesus, you are holy God, and Your ways are holy. Your ways are righteous. Father, forgive me, and wipe away my stains. Wipe away my fears. Wipe away my sorrows, my depression, my sadness. Thank you God. Help us O Lord, for we need You. I lack the ability to actively evangelize and I think the reason is my unpredictability. God, help me to serve You and to love You. Help me to draw closer to You. My times are in Your hands. My days are written in your scroll. God, may this be a ritual, and may this ritual not disappear. Thank you Jesus. Free me from my addictions, from my sins and lead me in the way everlasting….

Why is it that man only seeks You when they have to? Surely You give them happiness; you give them joy, you give them provision, and they forget about You, they sin against You. No wonder perhaps I am stuck in where I am. You want to bless me, but when You do, I forget You. Forgive me O God. I recognize my sin. I recognize my downfall. Do not take my blessings away. Do not take my lamp away. Forgive me O God, and give me another chance. Please Jesus. Give me another chance. I am sorry.

… [not transcribed] Telling me that You are all I need.

Lord, I remember transcribing for my church and maybe that is how I’m transcribing my personal experiences with You. You are holy and you are righteous. There is no one besides You. Give me another chance O God, for I am trying, I am trying. I recognize my sin, I recognize my downfall. Help me to shift my body away from lust, away from wants, to needing You. Take away my pride O God. I have nothing to be prideful about, but rather, I have almost everything to be shameful about. Seeking You should be the normal condition, the normal state. I could seek You more; I could love You more, but I failed. But God, You are the One that I will always seek and help me to give more of You and less of me, help me to eventually do that, until it’s all for You and none of me or for me. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

[continues but will end transcribing]

Help me to know You more Jesus; Help me to know You more O God. Your love is enduring / Like a ring of solid gold / like a vow that is tested / like a covenant of old.

Activity: Music video / Singing: Ever Be- Bethel

If I fall even though I seek You, how much more do other people who don’t seek You. Forgive us O God. Maybe not so much. I meant maybe other people may be more righteous than me. Because God, you gave me grace. That’s why, that’s how I can seek You. I sin more than those people who don’t seek You.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

[May continue but without transcribing]

8/26/2013: Strategy

8/26/2013: Strategy

S: 10:35pm
E: 11:38pm


I am trying or I want to write a journal entry for each day. There are a lot of things I want to write about but I will just write about things that are currently on my mind.

I need to sleep soon because tomorrow is my first day of the Social Work program.

I have a radar. Everyone has a radar. The radar tells each person where the most important things are or the priorities of life. I praise God that I have a (mostly) clear radar picture. I have a clear picture because I have wisdom that comes from God.

My life strategy, my niche is that of a tatictian. Different people have their own special niches and my advantage is that, while there is no concentration for me, I can apply it in my day-to-day life.

Seeing things and being able to do those things or tasks are two different things.


In one way, I suck at seeing things. Things hit me before I see them coming. That is true of me when I was in basic training in the Army. I see other soldiers doing important things and I don’t understand why they are doing them. Or, I don’t get what my drill segearents teach me while everybody else understands. I have no eyes on my head. I lived day-by-day suffering the consequences of bad surprises.

I suck in the beginning because I did not lose enough before that. Losing can be a great teacher if the person seeks to understand why they have lost. I struggled and thought many times about why I have lost and I found that a recurring theme is that I lacked wisdom. So I asked God to give me wisdom, and not just wisdom, but also strength and courage because these were also reasons why I lost. I sometimes lose because I lack wisdom, other times because I lacked the strength, and still more times because I lacked courage. There are times when I lost and I don’t understand why. Then there are times I lost because I lacked patience.

I am still learning about life. I am still losing a lot. But once I understand why I lost, I can move forward. My current life strategy now is that of a general. I see things impartially and patienctly. I reexamine myself to see what tasks I may have missed. I problem-solve by talking to myself and to God a lot. I am hybrid, knowing that life cannot be inflexible. I live with a combination of logic and feeling knowing that both has its positives and can complement each other. The “feeling” part also includes intuition and instinct. I try to stay calm and aloof because I do not know many things and I need time to plan to make the best decisions. I also know that sometimes, I mean many times, I have to make choices quick, and with wisdom (my radar), I adjust accordingly.

However, I know there are factors outside my control that are negatively affecting me. My appearance, my inborn personality, and my abstinence from I would say popular culture. I do the best I can. I try to shine my color, my light. My favorite color is light-green so I try to shine a light-green light to people. I feel many times, I don’t emit any colors. I try to not show any light, any color.

In life, we must all try. We must all talk to ourselves and to God to be the best person that we can be. To be able to see as much as we could see.

There can be some pleasure in fighting a losing battle, a losing war. It can be a story of resistance. It can be a delay for the enemy. I am still fighting; I am still trying even through it seems like I’m attacked by multiple directions and without help. Even through it seems like I tried everything, tried everything to get help, but in the end, my outreach failed.

People may call me a loser, that I suck, and yet, when I try to imitate them, I reach a glass ceiling. What works for other people doesn’t seem to work for me. I lose even more when I try to become like them.

So I am going to practice hybrid warfare. I am going to live by both logic and reasoning, and also feeling and intuition. I will do my best to have the best radar and to plan and do everything by self-talk and self-talk with God.

That is how I can live. Though I feel like my land is in a desert, that I am cursed, my best strategy is not really a strategy, but of reevaluation and flexibility.

There are many people, angels, watching me. On clouds surrounding us. So, we should put aside the things that burden us and focus on Jesus. That is a Chinese Stream of Praise song that I am listening. So don’t give up or if you do because life is too hard, then fix the highest price for the enemy by fighting to your wits’ end.

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

S: 12:12am
E: 1:01am

So to continue my written entry through typing, I want to ask myself a question, a obvious question. Why am I looking for a girlfriend? Because I need one. Why do I need one? Because a girlfriend, a soulmate gives me companionship. She can satisify me soulically, physically, mentally, and probably spiritually, if we worship and devote to God together.

I feel like I am cursed. I feel like I am cursed by God and scorned by men. I have the mark of Cain. I don’t understand why? I eagerly try to follow God and this is where it has brought me. Of course I mess up; of course I fail, but I always try to get back up on my feet. Being generous has given me poverty. Trying to love others has given me hate. I told myself that if other people were to love me half as much as I loved them, I would be like a hero. I would had no problems. Trying to follow God has given me suffering. But, you know, the funny thing is I’m still going to love God. Despite all this pain and conceived disadvantages, I’m still going to follow Him. Why? Because I know He is real and I know He has helped me before. I experienced Him in the Army. Despite my fallen state, despite my church-less state, I’m still going to be loyal to Him. I left my church because I felt angry at God for not helping me and giving me support. I want to serve my church; I want to serve Him, not for me but for His Glory. But, I wasn’t given the opportunity, and when opportunity does come, He did not give me the help and the resources to capitalize on the opportunity. I tried, I asked God for help. I feel, deep inside, that I can do more, so much more, if only I have the right kind of support and love. I am like a plant who cannot reach its full potential because it does not receive the right amount of nutrients. I tried to make them myself. I tried to synthize them. I tried to ask God for them. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Why? Why is it that I don’t have a girlfriend? I am willing to die for her, just as Christ died on the cross for us. I am willing to give everything I have, my life, I am willing to change myself for her. I would serve her, of course, we would serve God first. I am willing to give so much love, to do so much if only, if only someone could be my girlfriend, my soulmate, my future wife.

What does it take? Do I need to bring a gun to her head and say “be my girlfriend” for her to be my girlfriend? I have tried for so long and I don’t know what to do. I hate to do evil but I feel that if no one loves me and cares about me, then I would rather just go out with a bang. I would excute my evil Samson Option. If I cannot love them and serve them even though I wanted to, then I will have no choice but to do evil. I want to teach them a lesson of what lack of love can do to a person. Look at Frankenstein. He was just a gentle and kind beast. But everyone in the story hated him and ran away from him. He travelled everywhere to find love but found none. He was forced to kill to protect himself. I feel like people are treating me like Frankenstein. I love people; I am willing to die for them, if only they love and care about me. If only a girl can share her life with me. Adam’s first human contact was not with another man, but with his future wife.

It is because of love that I chose to be a social worker. It is because of love that I volunteered for my church. It is because of love that I decided to push myself to be a better person. But if all my efforts are in vain, to love and be loved, then, like Frankenstein, I will have no choice but to do evil to survive. But that is as a last resort. I want to do good, not evil. And whatever I do, I know God will be my ultimate judge.

Coming back from Los Angeles, I brought most of my old journals with me. And a key theme, a key element of my entries is my desperation to find a girlfriend. What I am feeling then, back in 2006, back in 2003, is what I am also feeling now.

I don’t want to improve myself because no one loves me (unconditional love has much greater weight). I don’t want to improve myself just for the sake of self. I want to improve myself for myself so I can help others. But if I cannot help others because I don’t receive enough love, then life would be horrible for me. I would rather not live. I would have no motivation to live life. The reason why I’m playing so much computer games is because in those games, I can contribute, I can help. I am able to use my full potential to help others in that game. In Caesar 3, I am able to build my city so it can prosper and make others happy. In Battle Conquest, I fight the good side so I can push back the Armies of Darkness. I gain satisfaction from them because I am contributing something. If I cannot contribute good in this world then I would have to contribute evil. But I don’t want to so I must go out with a bang. I must end my life and probably the life of others so this world may learn what a lack of love can do to a person, to a person who actually wants to give the opposite.

And I feel, after writing this, that some girl might feel pity on me and may want to marry me. But I don’t want a girl to love me based on pity. My mom told me, before she divorced my dad, that she married him partly because she felt sorry for him. But that was a big mistake. I want a girl to love me, to marry me because she loves God and loves the way I am.

I am thinking of a Chinese Christian song that I learned from my church choir. I can’t write Chinese and I don’t know all the lyrics but here it is:

Wei le ai, ta lai dao shi xie shang (Because of love, He came to earth)

Wei le ai, ta bei ding shi zi jia (Because of love, He was nailed on the Cross)
Ta di ai, shi shi jie you pang wong. (His love, gave this world hope)

And it’s true. Because of God’s love, I have hope.

7/1/2013: Memory: Jesus Loves Me

7/1/2013: Memory: Jesus Loves Me

S: 2:57pm

I used to keep a box. A box just for memories. When something memorable comes, I will keep its articles as souvenirs. I kept the practice in the Army until recently because I lost a memory box. Well, I have a couple and the old ones are at home in Los Angeles, but the ones that are recent, from El Paso, is gone. Since then, I never kept a box again.

Yesterday, Anna gave me a present. It is a book titled “Jesus Loves Me.” I was going to throw the wrappers and what I thought was a receipt away when I thought of keeping it for memory’s sake. Then, I remembered I no longer keep physical memories so I decided to keep the memory in the form of a blog. Anna’s message on that receipt reads: “May God use this book to assure you of His love for you. From: Anna.” Had I decided to just throw the wrappings away and just keep the book, I would not have read that message. She ordered this book on June 26, 2013. Thank you Anna.

This is not supposed to be an important entry or anything. I’m just writing to keep memories alive. Now I can throw away the wrappings. :)

2013.7.1 Anna's Gift