8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

S: 12:12am
E: 1:01am

So to continue my written entry through typing, I want to ask myself a question, a obvious question. Why am I looking for a girlfriend? Because I need one. Why do I need one? Because a girlfriend, a soulmate gives me companionship. She can satisify me soulically, physically, mentally, and probably spiritually, if we worship and devote to God together.

I feel like I am cursed. I feel like I am cursed by God and scorned by men. I have the mark of Cain. I don’t understand why? I eagerly try to follow God and this is where it has brought me. Of course I mess up; of course I fail, but I always try to get back up on my feet. Being generous has given me poverty. Trying to love others has given me hate. I told myself that if other people were to love me half as much as I loved them, I would be like a hero. I would had no problems. Trying to follow God has given me suffering. But, you know, the funny thing is I’m still going to love God. Despite all this pain and conceived disadvantages, I’m still going to follow Him. Why? Because I know He is real and I know He has helped me before. I experienced Him in the Army. Despite my fallen state, despite my church-less state, I’m still going to be loyal to Him. I left my church because I felt angry at God for not helping me and giving me support. I want to serve my church; I want to serve Him, not for me but for His Glory. But, I wasn’t given the opportunity, and when opportunity does come, He did not give me the help and the resources to capitalize on the opportunity. I tried, I asked God for help. I feel, deep inside, that I can do more, so much more, if only I have the right kind of support and love. I am like a plant who cannot reach its full potential because it does not receive the right amount of nutrients. I tried to make them myself. I tried to synthize them. I tried to ask God for them. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Why? Why is it that I don’t have a girlfriend? I am willing to die for her, just as Christ died on the cross for us. I am willing to give everything I have, my life, I am willing to change myself for her. I would serve her, of course, we would serve God first. I am willing to give so much love, to do so much if only, if only someone could be my girlfriend, my soulmate, my future wife.

What does it take? Do I need to bring a gun to her head and say “be my girlfriend” for her to be my girlfriend? I have tried for so long and I don’t know what to do. I hate to do evil but I feel that if no one loves me and cares about me, then I would rather just go out with a bang. I would excute my evil Samson Option. If I cannot love them and serve them even though I wanted to, then I will have no choice but to do evil. I want to teach them a lesson of what lack of love can do to a person. Look at Frankenstein. He was just a gentle and kind beast. But everyone in the story hated him and ran away from him. He travelled everywhere to find love but found none. He was forced to kill to protect himself. I feel like people are treating me like Frankenstein. I love people; I am willing to die for them, if only they love and care about me. If only a girl can share her life with me. Adam’s first human contact was not with another man, but with his future wife.

It is because of love that I chose to be a social worker. It is because of love that I volunteered for my church. It is because of love that I decided to push myself to be a better person. But if all my efforts are in vain, to love and be loved, then, like Frankenstein, I will have no choice but to do evil to survive. But that is as a last resort. I want to do good, not evil. And whatever I do, I know God will be my ultimate judge.

Coming back from Los Angeles, I brought most of my old journals with me. And a key theme, a key element of my entries is my desperation to find a girlfriend. What I am feeling then, back in 2006, back in 2003, is what I am also feeling now.

I don’t want to improve myself because no one loves me (unconditional love has much greater weight). I don’t want to improve myself just for the sake of self. I want to improve myself for myself so I can help others. But if I cannot help others because I don’t receive enough love, then life would be horrible for me. I would rather not live. I would have no motivation to live life. The reason why I’m playing so much computer games is because in those games, I can contribute, I can help. I am able to use my full potential to help others in that game. In Caesar 3, I am able to build my city so it can prosper and make others happy. In Battle Conquest, I fight the good side so I can push back the Armies of Darkness. I gain satisfaction from them because I am contributing something. If I cannot contribute good in this world then I would have to contribute evil. But I don’t want to so I must go out with a bang. I must end my life and probably the life of others so this world may learn what a lack of love can do to a person, to a person who actually wants to give the opposite.

And I feel, after writing this, that some girl might feel pity on me and may want to marry me. But I don’t want a girl to love me based on pity. My mom told me, before she divorced my dad, that she married him partly because she felt sorry for him. But that was a big mistake. I want a girl to love me, to marry me because she loves God and loves the way I am.

I am thinking of a Chinese Christian song that I learned from my church choir. I can’t write Chinese and I don’t know all the lyrics but here it is:

Wei le ai, ta lai dao shi xie shang (Because of love, He came to earth)

Wei le ai, ta bei ding shi zi jia (Because of love, He was nailed on the Cross)
Ta di ai, shi shi jie you pang wong. (His love, gave this world hope)

And it’s true. Because of God’s love, I have hope.

10/18/2012: 如果你想知道 / If You Want to Know

10/18/2012: 如果你想知道 / If You Want to Know

{S: 11:21pm} 你覺得愛是從哪裡來?  我好長的時間以為愛是從女生的, 以為愛是從我拿到一個A, 我 以為愛是從我採會有愛; 以為愛是從人來的.  感謝主我知道愛真得是從神來的.

雖然或是萬一沒有人愛我, 我知道神愛我因為愛是從神來的.

我知道我中文很爛, 我的英文有時候講得不好, 我的西班牙, 我跟門較不想講.  但是最首要是我對神好.

這首歌有感動我和給我希望.  神一直愛我涵愛永遠是從神邇來得. {E: 12:21am}

Translation:  Do you know where love comes from?  For the longest time, I thought love only comes from girls, or from getting an “A,” then I can feel loved.  I thought love comes from men.

Even if I feel no one loves me, I know that God loves me because love comes from God.

I know my Chinese sucks, I stutter when I speak English, my Spanish? I’m not even going to mention about it.  However, what really matters is I’m good with God.

This song touches me and gives me hope.  God will always love me and He loves with an everlasting love.

 

10/16/2012: Into His Abundance / 進入豐盛

10/16/2012: Into His Abundance / 進入豐盛

{S: 10:38pm} Many times in this evil world, I just want to give up.  I’m tired of living in this world of injustice.  But, praise God; it is my Christian family that keeps me going.  In particular, I love SOP (Stream of Praise).  Their songs give me hope and life.  These encouragements are the reason why I want to continue to be a social worker and continue to fight.

I don’t agree with the Pharisees and I don’t agree with the Sadducees.  One party preaches the social gospel but wants to sin “under every spreading tree” (Jeremiah 3:6).  The other is against abortion (except special circumstances) but wants to “[buy] the poor with silver” (Amos 8:6a).

It is late now and I have two tests tomorrow.  But, I really want to write this discovery.  I might not do as well because I may be tired but my times are in God’s hands.

This song “Into His Abundance / 進入豐盛” tells me that although Satan is a deceiver and wants to take away our Promise, we can see through this deception because God gives us the best deal: eternal life.  This is the year of Jubilee! {E: 11:08pm}

4/6/2011: Protecting Her

4/6/2011: Protecting Her

S: 6:41pm

E: 7:29pm

On Tuesday, my section (Relay) had a new member. She is white, eighteen years-old, engaged, and fresh out of AIT. Her face features reminds me somewhat of the girl I used to love. Looking at her and knowing what my section does the past few days made me want to protect her.

It’s sad, but today after lunch, I almost couldn’t handle it. I left the relay office and stayed at the empty hallway. It had almost come to a point where I either step forward and attack (as sometimes I did in Kuwait), or take a step back and withdraw (in the Army before Kuwait). I know the consequences of stepping back and withdrawing. My light grows dim; I would not fully express what the normal Christian life with nonbelievers (peace, love, forgive, pray) should be. I would be a bad example of a role-model to them if I just slink away and withdraw myself. No! When battle comes, when darkness comes, I must not retreat; I must fight! Yet, stepping forward and attacking made me very nervous. What if I mess up? What if I say something that is unwise and they capitalize on it (ex. Kuwait)? What if they ask a question that I couldn’t answer? What if? The only way I can step forward and attack (not attack them but the evil that comes from them) is if God’s Presence is with me. I need what Moses had when he led the Israelites: That he won’t go another step without the presence of God. If God is for me, then yes, I can fight. I prayed for strength, courage, but above all, for wisdom. I need God’s wisdom in this situation. I was thinking about bursting inside the office and trying to start a revival, but I know I must ask God for wisdom first. The call for revival must be clear; I can’t do it just because I feel like it.

Why did it come to this? Because almost everyone in my section (they all come from Qutar; I came from Kuwait), delights in evil. They love to joke around talking about anything regardless if it’s evil or not. They demean women and calling them “bit*hes” or “wh*res.” They talk about doing all sorts of evil things not only to women, but to almost everyone. They discuss evil plans just because it’s “funny.” Sure, if you ask them, they will just say they are joking around. Can’t they joke around and have some fun? I’m not against joking, in fact if it is pure, I’m all for it. I love to laugh, smile, and have a good time, but only if it is within the framework of the Bible, for I know that ultimate pleasure comes from God. There is one person in particular that is causing this mess, two soldiers that say evil and feed off each other. Almost every word he says in the office is a joke and almost every other sentence he says is offensive. He loves to talk and he talks the whole time. These people in my office don’t like silence. I love silence because I can listen to my inner voice and to God’s voice. His roommate, when I used to know him, was a quiet, nice, helpful person. Now, he still has these qualities, but with the troublemaker, he became similar to him. They love to joke and anything that is funny, regardless if it is wrong or not, they will say. There is no boundary that they will not say. Actually, there is, and only because society limits them and not from themselves. It’s sad. I know these people have hard lives in the past, but that’s still no excuse for their behavior.

In the office, there is so much evil talk that I can’t focus. I either try to sleep or pray. Some people, when they talk, they talk as if they had authority, and it’s sad that in my case, it is the troublemakers. I decided, at one time this morning, to get a sheet of paper and write over and over “Give me strength, give me courage, and above all, give me wisdom.” I have to fight against this evil from infecting my mind. Sometimes I laugh at their evil jokes but only because I’m human. When possible, I always try to pray for these people. I pray that they can have hope because I remember that it is hope that kept me alive and have a close relationship with Him. I pray that they can have the gift of salvation because my pastor at church told us that the feeling of repentance is a gift of salvation and comes from God. Praise God that I have this gift so I may have hope. I also pray that God can write His Law into their hearts. God will do that to the Israeli people and they will seek Him.

For my battle plan, I need to continue to pray for them, in and out of work, that they can have hope. I also need to continue to love them and help them if they need help. For their conversations, I will try to join in but to remain blameless before God. We cannot be silent in the face of evil. I will still be their friend and develop positive relationships. Hopefully, with God’s help, I can someday bring them to repentance. I told the troublemaker yesterday riding in his car that “the pleasure of girls is nothing compared to the pleasures of God.”

Praise God that yesterday, she came to me in the DFAC, and asked for more information. The conversation developed into getting mailboxes since we both need them. I talked to her along the way and we discussed about our lives. Her husband-to-be is also in the military and she wanted to be a nurse. She asked more questions about going to college in the Army and I told her my experiences with online college while in Kuwait. I also warned her about the jokes our section makes and especially about the troublemaker. She seemed sweet, nice, but also innocent.

This weekend, most of my section is going to a theme park to play. I’ve been there before with the battery, so I know that it’s clean. Even though I cannot join in with them when they are talking evil, I still need to love them and be with them because God loves them. I pray that they can have hope. Hopefully, they will have hope.

1/18/2011: Soviet Union

1/18/2011: My Hearts of Iron / Soviet Union

S: 8:55pm

E: 9:38pm

The day after I posted my “The God Card” journal entry, I went under intense spiritual attack. Temptations overwhelmed me and I felt so discouraged that I stopped trying to follow God. I barely did my basic routines and skipped meals. I slept much later than usual (due to games) so I had headaches and I always felt tired. I hate myself I thought. I am so weak. I thought if I fail to follow God, then I may  as well give up. But I don’t want to give up, so my soul deceived me into thinking I can be like the Soviet Union: big, powerful with God, but isolated (I was playing A LOT of Hearts of Iron II). I grew angry at everyone, including my church and myself. I so want, in my sinful state, to carry out my version of retribution, but I always remembered to let God be the Judge.

Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

So I started asking God to judge my church for not loving me. But, I failed too. I feel I really tried, in my current state, to try to love and connect with people. I am still able to love, praise God, because love comes from God, but connect? No. I failed to connect with people and people failed to connect with me. My church failed to connect with me, despite my efforts. And this realization made me very angry. I hate this weakness. I am always very nice and friendly to people, but I cannot grow in them. In the case of my military friends, this is true. I’m nice to everybody and everybody is nice to me. I can happily say that I have no enemies or anything close to that sort (actually, there may be one, but I still try to be nice and loving to him), but friends that I can really connect with and share with? Probably one, but although we talk a lot and know each other, we almost only talk at work. So, although I am nice and friendly to people and I try to love and help people, I can’t really connect with them. I think that is one of my life’s weaknesses. I can say that they are in the military and their beliefs about God and their devotion is different, but I just feel that I don’t want so many social interactions. Well, maybe, but I feel, now, if there is a devoted church group, I would love to interact. A friend who loves God makes the friendship so much better.

This morning at work, I felt dizzy and very tired. Praise God that we didn’t have to do PT. Praise God that I practically got the day off. But, today is a wasted day because I felt hopeless about my situation (about falling to temptations the day before) and felt not loved by my church and feeling angry about it.

Trying to think of a last meaningful action to do before I sleep (since I wasted the whole day today playing games), I opened my ring today, the ring with the inscription: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” I was going to make the event grand, but the spiritual high never came. I should not look for spiritual highs. I should not look for perfect moments. I just need to do Christ’s best to love Him and the “high” will come naturally or when God wills it.

I reinstalled and uninstalled Hearts of Iron II multiple times because I want to rededicate myself to God but then, when the desire comes (and desire gives birth to sin), I would reinstall it. This time, I wanted to reinstall the game so I can play it as the Soviet Union (Nationalist China would be second followed by Poland), the nation I felt best represents me (spiritually, of course). I feel I’m big and powerful with God (only in relative terms) because I love Him and earnestly tried to seek Him but I hardly have any spiritual support (friends). And look at the Soviet Union. After fighting on the good side (the Allies), she became the next evil empire. I need to learn that lesson and to continue to love people. I am currently making a WW2 spiritual nation test (3 weeks in the making) about what country in WW2 best represents you? I have the calculations and questions tentatively done but I’m still working on the results. It’s hard to write a masterful result for each nation (I have to use my intuition) so I’m taking it bit by bit. My result:

You got: Soviet Union

After signing the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact with Germany and obtaining the eastern half of Poland, Germany broke the non-aggression treaty and invaded the Soviet Union. At first, things went horrible for the Soviets. Battle after battles were lost and vast areas of land was conquered. Despite massive defeats and huge casualties, the Russians fought on. They endured extreme odds, suffering, lack of equipment, and tactical mistakes. The tide turned when the Russian Winter came and Soviet industrial might (about equal to the US) began to show. Soviet generals learned from their mistakes and gradually pushed and defeated Germany.

Application:

Life is hard. You are constantly attacked by the forces of darkness, but do not give up. You are big because God made you big. He made you big because you love God. Continue to fight, endure, and the Russian Winter of hope will come and you will be victorious. The one who lives in you is greater than the one who lives in the world (1 John 4:4). However, be careful and on guard. Since you have few friends, the spiritual enemy may attack you unexpectedly, just as Germany surprised Russia. You need to find more friends to help you grow spiritually, or else, you may become less loving to people, lose the truth, and turn into an “Evil Empire” just like the Soviet Union did after the war.

I’m excited and can’t wait to publish my test.

You got Poland!

On the onset of World War 2, Poland was improving as a nation. Living standards are higher and the economy is improving. Their military, however, lagged behind. They have little to fight against German armor and most of their weapons are obsolete. Furthermore, Poland was sandwiched between two hostile nations. When Germany and the Soviet Union invaded Poland in September 1939, the Polish Army fought bravely, but unsuccessfully. However, and with minimal Allied support, it took the combined forces more than a month to conquer Poland, just 10 days more for France.

Application:

You are dangerously close to the enemy, but you are not well prepared. “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you” (Matthew 6:33). Since your life is hard and you seem to be under attack by the world and evil spirits, you need to put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:11) so you can be able to stand. Trust in God, seek Him, and He will help and guide you. When you mess up, don’t give up. What matters in life and especially in following God is not giving up. God sees the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), He will draw you closer to Him.

You got: Pre-war America

America became a recognized world power after World War 1. However, its intervention brought out public rebuke, especially during the Great Depression. America on the onset World War 2 is a strong, modern, powerful, but an isolationist nation. Although America gave Great Britian the supplies she needed to survive, the country refused to participate actively in the war. It will not be until the Day of Infamy (Dec. 7, 1941) that America became an active global participant.

Application:

You got it all: A strong relationship with God, good prayer life and Bible reading, and the support of many friends. It is time to climb out of your shell and see the truth. They world is dying; they need light. You have the light inside you. Do you have the courage to step up and fight for good? Or will it take a day of infamy to wake you up from your spiritually sheltered life in order to obey the Great Commission?

That’s just a sample of the 15-nation result test. And lastly, for France:

You got: France

France, although moderately powerful and had lots of support at the onset of World War 2, lacked a powerful military and training. She was deceived along with most European countries that by giving land to Germany for peace, Germany will be peaceful. It did not. France and her allies only declared war when Germany invaded Poland and even then, did not think the war will be real (the “phony” war). It is only when Germany made a surprise invasion on the Low Countries that France began to wake up and muster her strength, but it was too late. Her allies were unable to stop an experienced Germany. There was also lots of finger-pointing and bickering. Both France and Britain was unwilling to sacrifice or suffer too much defending the Low Countries. The last deception, however, was the French belief that the Mangot defense line is impenetrable and can stop the Germans from attacking further south. They were wrong. German forces went through the Ardennes forest and surprised the Allied troops. Unlike the Chinese, when the French capital, Paris, was captured, they surrendered. France was unwilling to pay the price for hope and victory. She remained a captive for much of the remainder of the war.

Application:

Since you are most like France, what can you do to improve your situation? First, you need to be more prepared against the enemy by growing with God more. Second, you need to be willing to suffer and endure more for God. Life is hard, but the One within you is greater than the one who lives in the world (1 John 4:4). Lastly, what is your Ardennes? What are your spiritual weaknesses? Make sure you take an honest look at yourself and strengthen those weaknesses. Satan always attacks at your weakest point, be prepared.

Once I publish my test, or even before that, feel free to give me input and help me out.

————————————

Spiritual WW2

Introduction:

From 1939 to 1945, the world agonized in the midst of a world war. On one side, the Allies, represents freedom, truth, and justice, while the other, the Axis, represents oppression, suffering, and darkness for the peoples of the world. Fortunately, the Allies won. Freedom, happiness, and prosperity were restored to many peoples.

Nowadays, all of us are in a war, a spiritual war, a struggle between good and evil. How about you? If you were a country in this spiritual world war, what country will you be, or more importantly, which side would you be on?

This test collectively measures your power (inner strength), support (how many friends you have), morals (which calculates whether you will be in the Allies [good] or Axis [evil] side), front-lineness (how frequently are you attacked or stressed), and your bravery to determine the nation that represents you.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Variables in detail:

Power– Represents your spiritual power. This includes, in the spiritual realm, your relationship with God, your effort in letting Christ live through you, how much time you spend seeking Him, and victories in Christ. A person who scores high in this criterion is a person who is close to God, loves Him, overcomes sin, and puts his/her faith in Him.

Support– Shows how much spiritual support from the family of Christ that you have and how well you use it. A person who scores high in support has lots of Christian brothers and sisters that he/she can turn to in times of trouble.

Front-Lineness– How often are you attacked by evil forces (world, flesh, and Satan). How often and how much you suffer in life. The more you are attacked, the higher this value will be. This is a good quality to have (if you’re prepared, of course) because the higher this value, the move active you are in fighting evil (your country will be closer to the enemy).

Bravery– Your effort and willingness to suffer in order to obey God. How much can you stand against evil before you fall. It is similar to hit points in an rpg game. A person with high bravery is more able to endure pain and suffering in order to follow God.

Special Thanks to:

God

The Holy Bible

The Invisible War by Chris Ingram

21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People by Dave Earley

The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee

Hearts of Iron game series

Axis and Allies TripleA version

Note: In making this test, I am in no way against any of these nations. The past is the past. History shows how evil and wicked men can be and how the only solution is to let the perfect man, Jesus, rule the world. He will soon and He’s coming back.

And also, I understand that many nations in the Allied side aren’t necessarily good. The totalitarian regime of the Soviet Union, for example, oppressed its own people and invaded Finland in the Winter War. I look at the big picture. The Allies are fighting against racism, bigotry, oppression, and tyranny which the Axis represents. Since both sides are man-made (and to be specific, the Soviet Union actually belongs to the Commintern), both sides have their evils, but one is trying to be good while the other is not.

If you skim over the specifics and look at the big picture, good vs. evil, you will get my purpose for this test.

The accuracy of this test also depends on whether you have a Biblical view of God. That will be up to you and God to judge, but I ask everyone to be humble and honest about yourself and your knowledge of God.

This test is also pretty subjective because no one really knows how strong you are between you and God nor how victorious you are. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Again, God will be the Judge.

Lastly, before you exult and rejoice that you got a super strong nation, I want to remind you that all of us are as nothing before God. Even the nations are nothing compared to God. He the potter and we are the clay.

Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing. To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? Isaiah 40:17-18

12/3/2010: It’s just like His great love

12/3/2010: It’s just like His great love

S: 4:56pm

E: 5:59pm

It has come to my attention that some people are concerned about me. I want to reassure everyone that I am okay. I am alright. With God, everything will be alright. I write my journals and discoveries to reflect the truth, and sometimes, the truth hurts, but I must still tell it because my God is the god of truth.

Yes, sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I mess up. I slip and fall, but “do not gloat over me…! Though I have fallen, I will rise” (Micah 7:8).

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD’s wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

Psalms 118:17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

It is God’s great love that keeps me alive.

There is a similar episode during a time when I was a nursing student (LVN) that I would like to share with you.

Before my job as a tutor, I was a nursing student. Out of 400 applicants, I was one of the lucky 40 chosen to be in the LVN class! I was so happy, so blessed to have a wonderful opportunity in life! My dad had always thought nursing is a good choice for me since it earns lots of money and allows me to help people.

But, as time went on, I got lazy. I started to fall behind my reading assignments. I started to play computer games when I should have studied. I would get depressed and would play more computer games. There came to a point where I don’t even bother reading my textbook anymore, but relied totally on my notes in class, which is limited but is even more so since I get tired in class often. But, even then, for some reason, I managed to pass all my written examinations. God is giving me time to repent and turn back to Him, and, I tried, with tears, but I was unable to overcome the bondage of sin. After every gaming binge, I would tearfully kneel on my bed asking for God to forgive me and to give me strength. However, almost every time the temptations came, I crumble.

At the same time, since I have to go to the vicinity of downtown LA (I get off at Soto St.) to attend the East LA Occupational College, I am also tasked of taking my sister back from the Coburn School of Performing Arts. My dad would drop her off and I would take her home. After my classes, I would drive to downtown LA, go a little ways inside Korea town, and wait for her in the Coburn parking lot. I would usually spend the free time waiting for my sister on sleeping or on God. I asked God for hope and part of the reason why I lasted so long in my nursing class when I should have failed much sooner is because God gave me second chances.

On a particular day, I was feeling very depressed about my life situation. My grades in my nursing class have taken a turn for the worse and my nursing instructor seems to be looking for a way to get rid of me. I contemplated suicide then because I felt powerless. I felt powerless to study and improve in class, powerless to stop playing computer games, powerless to turn to God completely and worship Him. I really wanted to kill myself. Desperately, I turned on my laptop and decided to look for a song (Christian) that can revive me and give me hope.

One of my hobbies doing my college years is downloading Christian music. I would download as much Christian music on Youtube as I can. I would also download midi hymns and its lyrics. I would then sing everywhere I go, from walking to classes in 6th grade to riding on my bicycle to PCC, a community college.

I opened my laptop and decided to look for a song to save my life. One of the songs I listened to, did:

It’s Just like his great love

Edna R. Worrell, 1903

 

A friend I have called Jesus, Whose love is strong and true,

And never fails howe’er ’tis tried, no matter what I do;

I’ve sinned against this love of His, but when I knelt to pray,

Confessing all my guilt to Him, the sin clouds rolled away.

Refrain

It’s just like Jesus to roll the clouds away,

it’s just like Jesus to keep me day by day,

it’s just like Jesus all along the way,

It’s just like His great love.

Sometimes the clouds of trouble bedim the sky above,

I cannot see my Savior’s face, I doubt His wondrous love;

But He, from heaven’s mercy seat, beholding my despair,

In pity bursts the clouds between, and shows me He is there.

Refrain

When sorrow’s clouds o’ertake me, and break upon my head,

When life seems worse than useless, and I were better dead;

I take my grief to Jesus then, nor do I go in vain,

For heavenly hope He gives that cheers like sunshine after rain.

Refrain

O, I could sing forever of Jesus’ love divine,

Of all His care and tenderness for this poor life of mine;

His love is in and over all, and wind and waves obey,

When Jesus whispers “Peace, be still!” and rolls the clouds away.

Refrain

Yes, it’s just like His great love to give me hope and to keep me alive. This hymn also mentions suicide, but it then shows that Jesus comes and saves the day. It’s just like His great love to save me every day. I sang that song over and over again and cried much. Only Jesus can roll my clouds away and He surely did that day. That song revived me and gave me the strength to continue despite my life’s hopelessness. Because my God is the God of hope, he is the God who gives me hope.

——————————-

Now that my concerns are rectified, about my day:
Today is the first time I shot the M9 handgun! I was on ammo detail and we went to the range. I asked my sergeants if I could also qualify on the M9, and he told me yes, if everybody who’s supposed to qualify did, and if there is extra rounds.

I never fired a handgun before, so I was apprehensive. The target for the M9 is just a 25 meter target, with 5, 4, and 3 point area depending on how close the center is. I watched other officers fire, since mostly officers is assigned the handgun, and they all did pretty good. Then Davis, my battle buddy who shot 40/40 went and also did extremely well, despite the fact that it was his first time, too. Now it is my turn. All this time, I knew that in order for me to succeed, I have to live by faith, and I have to shoot by faith. I went up and I also did very well. I’m surprised! It is so much easier to aim and shoot a handgun than it is to shoot a rife. I got 23 five’s, 12 four’s, 2 three’s, and 1 (I just noticed it) miss, with a total score of 169. The max score is 200. I did as well as the officers. Davis, on the other hand, got a 196. Praise God!

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.

10/14/09

[written diary]

10/14/09 S: 8:27pm E:

The fact is it’s awful that I did not prepare spiritually for the field. As I wrote on facebook, I chose to rebel against God. I thought to myself: if I’m going to sin against God, I might as well sin all the way. I am wrong. I have no excuses against Him. Now, I am paying the price. I hate paying the price. I want to move on, to advance spiritually with God. I must be honest with everyone on facebook because I always try to be honest with God. God, help me. Help me to obey and worship you. Guide me God. Sigh, I have to put on earphones because I am sinning against God by listening to sinful speech. Field is going to be so hard for me. I will trust in God’s faithfulness. I hope my church is praying for me. I know I am almost worthless, but I will still seek and oby God, because he is good and his love endures forever. I don’t think anyone will love me because I am underserving of love. I am just not good enough to have a wife. Look at me! I am sinful, I am not high-speed enough, I am too weak.

I guess my very life is God’s gift to me. Many times, I just don’t want to live anymore because I get no pleasure in them; and the pleasures of sin is not pleasure to me because they last only for a season.

The things I want, I cannot have. It’s painful. Sigh, I only have one choice left: to rest in His faithfulness. Heaven is my home! Because He is my hope, my life’s light. Thank you God, for your faithfulness. Each day I live is a gift from God.