12/19/09

12/19/09

S: 0505
E: 0508

Wow, praise God. I can finally go home. I’m so happy. Remember Steven, that you need to ovey God and serve Him. I have a lot of plans once I get back home. I need to do them because God’s work comes first. Help me God, not to be afraid. To be strong. Honestly, I’m scared about talking to my church, but I need to because they are in my family.

The most important and only thing I will do will be to worship God. I will not, will not play games. I can’t waste my time on this world again.

Protect me Lord, guide me.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.

10/21/2009

10/21/2009

I find it funny that I have a longing to go back home. No, home isn’t my home in San Gabriel, it is my barracks room. After getting some chow, I didn’t realize our platoon is going back to the battery until it was almost too late. I almost jumped in, and then I got out and told them I needed to bring my laptop. Whew, they almost left with me. After some thought, I also realize that I have a longing to go to heaven. Heaven, heaven, it’s a happy home. There’s Jesus with you, there’s Jesus with you. I am going to upload the Land of Dreams series on youtube as soon as I get the chance. I loved it then and I loved it now.

I’m tired, but excited to come back home. I’m kind of used to uploading my life on facebook now. I feel happy knowing that others know my burdens and my life. Of course I must have Jesus, because I cannot bear my burdens alone. It’s painful going through life alone. I mean alone alone.
I love when hard or trying times come, I have the ability to talk to myself to follow Jesus. Like this morning when I acted like a dumbass in front of the chaplain because I was afraid and was tougne-tied. I tell myself that it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what I do, what matters is that I follow God’s Word. God will tell me what to say, I just need to have more faith. And sure, I think evil thoughts. When the chaplain said he knows someone named Sanchez who lives in Los Angeles, I immediately thought of “dirty Sanchez.” Sigh; blame my evil battle buddies and evil talk shows. I don’t care if they have talent, what matters is it causes dissension between brothers. I am being influenced by fellow soldiers around me. They talk about worldly things, especially girls. They say all kinds of jokes, regardless if it’s evil or not. It is evil and messed up. I laugh with them, because it’s funny, but I usually try to be alone, so I can listen to the “Land of Dreams,” or sing, or pray, or sleep.

10/14/09

[written diary]

10/14/09 S: 8:27pm E:

The fact is it’s awful that I did not prepare spiritually for the field. As I wrote on facebook, I chose to rebel against God. I thought to myself: if I’m going to sin against God, I might as well sin all the way. I am wrong. I have no excuses against Him. Now, I am paying the price. I hate paying the price. I want to move on, to advance spiritually with God. I must be honest with everyone on facebook because I always try to be honest with God. God, help me. Help me to obey and worship you. Guide me God. Sigh, I have to put on earphones because I am sinning against God by listening to sinful speech. Field is going to be so hard for me. I will trust in God’s faithfulness. I hope my church is praying for me. I know I am almost worthless, but I will still seek and oby God, because he is good and his love endures forever. I don’t think anyone will love me because I am underserving of love. I am just not good enough to have a wife. Look at me! I am sinful, I am not high-speed enough, I am too weak.

I guess my very life is God’s gift to me. Many times, I just don’t want to live anymore because I get no pleasure in them; and the pleasures of sin is not pleasure to me because they last only for a season.

The things I want, I cannot have. It’s painful. Sigh, I only have one choice left: to rest in His faithfulness. Heaven is my home! Because He is my hope, my life’s light. Thank you God, for your faithfulness. Each day I live is a gift from God.

9/22/2009

9/22/2009

 

I feel so bad. Today, during PT, I chose to be selfish, to follow my own self-interests instead of others. Yes, one of my online orders (睡夢鄉) got canceled because it’s out of stock and I was planning to share it on Youtube, and yes, this morning is freaking cold. It’s the coldest since I’ve been in this unit. I envied those who are strong; it seems I’m the only one feeling the cold. I really wanted to run, so in my jealousy, I chose to run even though almost nobody in my platoon wanted it. During the run, I felt so guilty and the cold is freezing my wrists that I fell behind. I was able to catch up in the end, but I ran with guilt the whole way. Who am I, to do what I want? Am I not to be a servant and to serve others? Why am I trying to make my life more comfortable? My home is in heaven and not on earth. I am here not to be number one, but to lead others to Christ. I can endure tough conditions, but only with God, and if I sin against God, who else can I turn to? He is my mediator, he makes my life bearable.