8/23/2013

8/23/2013

S: 12:09pm

E: 12:50pm

[written]

I’m going to start writing hybrid discoveries.  Part will be on paper and part will be digital (typed).  Well, if my journal is too long (over a text message jk lol) then it will be typed.  That way, I can have the best of both worlds.

Yesterday night (or early morning), I texted Amy, my cousin I have been helping the following message, “Hello Amy.  I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help you.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I feel depressed and unloved.  Until I have a girlfriend (and I’m poor), I won’t be able to help you.  I’m sorry.  Good-bye.”

[typed]

I feel this is what I need to do.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to help people.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to do this, or that.  How can I help others if half of me is missing, or dead?  Without a girlfriend, I am paralyzed.  I can focus only on my survival, if I’m lucky.  Some people are able to live without a girlfriend but not me.  I tried so many times before and from  my past writings, I won’t make it without a girl who loves me.

I have God’s love and He keeps me alive; He keeps me singing.  But I won’t be able to flourish, to thrive, unless I have my lifelong companion.  So until I have a girlfriend, I won’t be able to help Amy.  I won’t be able to help my church or anyone.  I will only be able to help myself, if that.

I think I have a new philosophy on life.  It is to be happy.  It is different from hedisim because I also want to make other happy.  That is my secondary objective.  I think life is really all about being happy.  Happiness is what counts.  Everything else like studying, working, etc are but the means to achieve happiness.  As long as someone is happy, that is what counts.  Everything else is secondary.  Thus, the purpose in my life now is not really to make money or to do anything, but to be happy.  I want to do things that makes me happy.  There are different terms of happiness.  There are short-term and long-term happiness.  Going to school, making money, pleasing God, etc. are long-term happiness.  They bring happiness in the long-run.  Short-term happiness is what makes us happy right now.  Instant gratification.  If I eat ice-cream or play computer games or just do the things I want to do now, that will bring me happiness immediately.  For my life, I want a balance of long and short-term happiness.  Too much of one thing and my life won’t work.  Too much long-term and I’ll be mirisable.  Too much short and I’ll mortgage my future.  But, although my own happiness is my primary concern, I will not be happy at others expense.  I want to make others happy, too.  I think that is why I want to be a social worker.  To help people.  To help people be happy.

I know Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-13).  Paul learned the secret of how to be happy at all times.  He learned the secret of happiness.  But as Paul wrote elsewhere, he has been given the gift of celibacy and he wished everyone has been given this gift: “Yet I wish all of you were as I am.  But each of you has your own gift from God…” (1 Corinthians 7:7a).  Sadly, I don’t have his gift.

Ok, I am going to start making my breakfast, I mean lunch, and I think I am done writing this discovery.  I don’t know why I am still single.  I feel I have everything to have a mate.  I am willing to love her to death, to give her everything.  Anyone reading my earlier discoveries can see that.  Well, maybe at first it was lust, but as I matured, that lust also matured into love.

8/29/2012: My Ethics Class

8/29/2012: My Ethics Class

{3:32am} There’s within my heart a melody / Jesus whispers sweet and low / Fear not I am with thee / peace be still / in all of life’s ebb and flow..

Yesterday, I failed. I failed because I didn’t stand up for Jesus. I kept silent when I should have spoken something. Gracie was right; ethics will probably be my hardest class. I want to tell my professor in class the next we meet (Thursday):

“Professor, this class will probably be my hardest class because there are many things I don’t agree with. I kept silent on our last class because I wanted to get a feel of the environment. But, I need to be strong and courageous and fight. I will be open-minded and will correct myself if I am wrong.”

About Samson and the Philistines, God is a god of justice. He punishes the sins of their fathers up to the third and fourth generations but shows love to those who love him up to a thousand generations (Deuteronomy 5:10). God killed the Philistines because of their sin as He also punished ancient Israel because of their sin.

About the commandment “Thou shall not kill,” I heard in the Hebrew translation, it is actually “Thou shall not kill without cause.”

About how America committed the biggest terrorist act by nuking Hiroshima and Nakisagi, one interpretation I heard is that they waited for the American request that Japan surrender but received no reply. So, to save American lives, they decided with that action.

There are also a few classmates who are very outspoken and are very liberal. God, please give me wisdom and the courage and the strength to know what to say and how to reply to them and to everyone.

When faced with this difficult scenario, I have two options. I can either remain silent and just pray that my classmates in all my classes, but especially in my ethics class, can know the truth and can know more about God, or I can take an active approach and fight directly. To fight directly will take more strength, courage, and wisdom. I didn’t want to take the active approach because I’m tired. I’m already stressed enough with my many classes and my current life situation, but, I feel the right thing to do for me, since I know a lot about God and ethics, is to fight.

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right (1 Samuel 12:23).

So, I may mess up, I may fail. I may say something that I know I shouldn’t have said. But, I feel I will do more good than harm by fighting, as nobody is perfect but God.

Jesus loving Jesus / Sweetest name I know / Fills my every longing / Keeps me singing as I go.

You may also have noticed I’m less active on the Internet. That is because I decided to save $30 a month and  because I had trouble getting Time Warner to register my location. Instead, I decided to use the internet at the library. Who knows? It may actually be a blessing. I forces me to be with people more instead of being alone. {E: 3:51am}

12/30/2010: My Redeemer Lives

12/30/2010: My Redeemer Lives

S: 5:29pm

E: 5:43pm

Today, while writing this, I again feel tired, but today reminded me again of my weaknesses. No, not my stuttering, or inability to understand, but my laziness.

I realize that I am so weak, that I need to always rely on God and do things with the right intentions to be strong. Now is a perfect opportunity to help others, both the pastor and my cousin, but I found myself slacking. I thought to myself Don’t worry, you have plenty of time, you can always wait until tomorrow. No! If I wait, even a bit, that will just mean more hardships for people. God is blessing me to help others, why am I slow? I prefer to sit in front of my laptop, and play a variant of Axis and Allies than to get my lazy butt and mind off my seat and do what’s right, which is to write a check. For me, the hard part is not really dreaming or thinking, but doing.

What made me write this is because one of my battle buddy, V, rudely nudged me and told me to come to their softball game. Our battery has a softball team and after some practices, they are now playing their first game! I was thinking about joining. Of course, I probably won’t be able to play in the actual games, since I’m not very talented in sports, but at least I can train with them in their practices. But, the hours are long and I love my sleep, so I decided against it.

Instead of doing what’s important, such as writing letters, checks, doing my laundry, praising God, and yes, getting some rest, my soul won over my spirit and I decided to play that WW2 game. It’s so alluring, so fun, so challenging, but my intentions are wrong. I’m playing that game to satisfy myself instead of satisfying God. And God wants me to worship Him, to pray, and to help others.

Well, now that I woke up from my spell, I will chose to live a righteous live, to do the right thing. But, I woke up too late. There are many times when I woke up from my sin and lust only to find that I have precious little time left. Following God is not easy, but I must not give up the fight. Jesus has already won the war, if I do my best to love God and follow Him, I will win too.

My Redeemer Lives by Stream of Praise (讚美之泉)

我知道我的救贖者活著,他是永活的主,

當我在深谷迷失時,祂領我走正義路。

 

我知道我的救贖者活著,他是永活的主,

當我在曠野孤獨時,祂伴我作我的燈。

 

我知道我的救贖者永遠活著,我必不再憂慮,

我要在每一個日夜中,領受祂的豐盛之愛。

 

我知道我的救贖者永遠活著,我靈不再沉睡,

當號角響起的那一天,我將見祂榮光之面,

我的救贖者永遠活著!

My Redeemer Lives

12/29/2010: Cheers

12/29/2010: Cheers

S: 8:08pm

E: 8:29pm

Today, I’m somewhat happy and somewhat sad. Happy because I love God and He is helping me but sad because I’m still afraid of people. I am brought up to fear man so it will be difficult to overthrow that fear. Looking back, I should have written a discovery perhaps daily. That way, I can always remember my life’s journey’s and share more passing thoughts. One reason I have been slacking on writing is because I’m afraid. I need to watch my intent and make sure to do things only for God’s glory.

I just came back from a Kuwaiti defense exercise and I’m sort of happy. I just trust in God and He takes care of me. You know, I’m on my last book in The Chronicles of Narnia and so far, that series had been a great blessing on my life. It helped me to focus on God and to learn, from the children’s experiences, that God is always there, He will take care of us, and everything will be alright in the end. Sometimes, I feel I’m in Narnia. I pray to God to help me and guide me just as the children seek Aslan.:

“It isn’t Narnia, you know,” sobbed Lucy. “It’s you. We shan’t meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?”

“But you shall meet me, dear one,” said Aslan.

“Are-are you there too, Sir?” said Edmund.

“I am,” said Aslan. “But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there.”

I believe C.S. Lewis meant Jesus to be the Aslan in our world. We must seek Jesus, He died to save us, just as Aslan died to save Edmund. The above passage is from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Two things cheered me up. One, I got an e-mail from my cousin in Florida! She had fallen on hard times and had asked me for help and I’m so glad to help her! I’m so happy to be a blessing! Second, I got an e-mail from Pastor Biswas that he received my packages! God always finds a way, even when there seems to be no way.

Now, I’m waiting for my Christmas ring to come, both as a present to me, and to God. I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine! I would have chosen 24k (pure gold.. it’s a 24k pure gold.. it can be your’s today…. From Tales from the Goldmine at Alpine retreat camp) gold but the max they have is 18k. On the gold band is inscribed: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” from Song of Songs 6:3. When dark times come (or any other time), I can always look at my ring and remember that God is always with me, that I belong to Jesus, that those who are for me is more than who are against me (2 Kings 6:16).

I am going to step out once I come back to Los Angeles, so I’m trying to be prepared. I must put on the Armor of God and pray and be strong and courageous.

12/25/2010: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I’m still a bit too afraid to go on Facebook, so I’m taking my refuge here. Today is Christmas day and I wanted to share some of what I did on video!

Introduction, me singing “Jesus loves the little ones,” “Away in a Manger,” and my Christmas gift!

Me singing “I lift my eyes to the hills.”

 

Good night everyone and sweet dreams!

8/3/2010: Every Man’s Battle

[private]

8/3/2010: Every Man’s Battle

 

S: 4:17pm

E: 4:58pm

 

2  This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt.

3  Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.’”

 

(1 Samuel 15:2-3)

 

7  Then Saul attacked the Amalekites all the way from Havilah to Shur, to the east of Egypt.

8  He took Agag king of the Amalekites alive, and all his people he totally destroyed with the sword.

9  But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle, the fat calves and lambs—everything that was good. These they were unwilling to destroy completely, but everything that was despised and weak they totally destroyed.

 

(1 Samuel 15:7-9)

 

1 Samuel 15:22  But Samuel replied: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

23  For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king.”

 

(1 Samuel 15:22-23)

 

 

Yesterday, I finally applied this passage to my life. I did guard duty so I had yesterday off. All throughout the day, I had the desire to release myself, to masturbate so I could release the pressure so I won’t sin against God more.

 

 

I was introduced to this concept when reading <i>Every Young Man’s Battle</i> by Fred Stoeker, Stephen Arterburn, and Mike Yorkey. Although the authors are not in agreement about this issue, the book said one way to release your built-up, sexual tension is to masturbate but only without thinking of girls, so you could release the sexual tension without sinning against God. But, the authors added, almost no men can do that! When a guy is experiencing sexual pleasure (by masturbating), it is almost impossible to block out thoughts of girls he likes. To be honest, I have only been successful once. Yes, this is a very personal and sensitive topic to discuss, but it still relates to my relationship with God. All the other times, I would go ahead and do it desiring to think of the girls partly because of my flesh but also to avoid the consequences of escalation (checking pornography).

 

I know the right thing to do is to resist the devil (my fleshly desires) until he flees from me. If I really put God first, I would trust and obey God. I would pray and pray until my desires are under control (I have been successful to some extent doing this). But, when the intensity of the desire hits, it’s very easy for me to compromise, to disobey God and instead, make sacrifices.

 

I would say, “After I release myself and in the process and sin against God a little bit, I would pray, worship, sing, devote, etc, etc to God.” In other words, He will be my number one again as soon as this sexual urge is released. Other times, I would get depressed because I lost this battle and would just play computer games to seek escape, which, in the long-term, would just makes things worse.

 

So that is what I did. I know I’m doing wrong, but I just can’t help myself. I am not strong enough yet. I would make deals with God. I would disobey God only to make sacrifices later. I am simply following the path of Saul.

 

I realize now the severity of my wrongdoing and will make a double effort to not sin against God in this area.

 

 

“<i>So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it</i>” (1 Corinthians 10:12-13).

 

 

I know that God will give me the strength to resist temptation if I fully seek Him. My help should not come from Egypt; it should not come from man, but, it should only come from God and through God.

23 Jan 2010

23 Jan 2010
12:35pm

I need to stop reacting negatively when people treat me inferiorly. I need to submit to God and let Him be the judge. We are all inferior to God. The Bible says there is no one who does good. People are trying to think they are part of the “elite” class, they try to rely on their own strength and smarts. Their strength is limited, but if I trust in God, my strength will be unlimited. With a donkey’s jawbone, I can make donkeys of them. Amen. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen.

25 Jan 2010
12:45pm

These days are hard for me. It’s hard to do both God’s work and man’s work at the same time. I get tired; I don’t get enough rest. During the work day, of course I do the best I can. The Bible says pretend I’m not working for man but working for God. I always try to volunteer, try to be useful, but it’s tough. Few days ago, I was so discouraged that I prayed that the girl I love could send me a message. I don’t care how. Either by e-mail, phone call, etc. Everyday, I feel God gives me just enough. Just like basic training. It was awful. I would hate to go back to that time. When I came back to my room, I found that my internet is down! I later found out that the friend I’m using the internet from, is ETSing (leaving) tomorrow. I knew about that, but I didn’t know it was that soon. So, I’m stuck without internet, and have to rely occasionally from my friends or bike to a CeeZee café. It’s okay, cause I’m still pumping out music videos for God. I have a lot to do and not so much time.

I feel writing more is wasting time, but I’m going to the range next week to qualify for my weapon (M16). I shot sharpshooter in basic. I was very surprised that I shot sharpshooter. In basic, I suck at everything lol. It’s awful. I feel all someone needs is a cocky attitude towards me and he wins. The drill sergeants were so surprised that I shot a sharpshooter that they thought my babysitter shot the targets for me. He was pissed off too, because he didn’t pass and he denied that he was helping me. Who wants to help me anyways? Only God can help me. So we took the qualifying test again and I got sharpshooter again. My babysitter passed this time; he got a marksman. When I was shooting, I knew I have to shoot by faith. I was wearing two glasses: my normal civilian glasses and my eye protection. Due to that, I can’t see clearly. The eye pro presses against my eye brows which causes sweat to drip down my glasses. It gets even worse to see through the tiny sight picture. To make matters worse, I still have some double vision, despite my surgery when I was a child. My eyes now just LOOK normal. I get a little nervous every time I go to get my eyes checked. I prayed that the doctor won’t notice my double vision and so far, they haven’t. My whole military life teaches me that I can’t trust or depend on my own strength. I would be dead by now. I have to rely on God. I was born 3 months premature. I would have died, but  no, God saved me.

I also feel everyday is a life-threatening day for me. God saved my life everyday. I need to be happy when I’m weak because when I’m weak, then I’m strong.

1/12/10

1/12/10

 

Hello everyone!

I’m only back for a few minutes. Heh, it’s nice being the driver for a humvee; I get to go back to the rear more often, but the bad thing is I have to drive more. I used to hate driving, I would much rather ride my bike. Now, my attitudes are changing.

I’m trying not to be afraid of what other people think of me. The only person I am trying to please is God. I only fear God.

Field is getting tougher especially towards the end. Many times, I would ask God to make it easier for me and He did make it easier. There are times when I just want to give up cause there’s so much bullshit (excuse me), but it is when I am on the verge when God arrives to help me. I need to have faith. I need to have more faith that God will help me, that he will not give me anything beyond what I can bear. With faith, I can move mountains!

Singing Chinese Christian songs really help me to get through my day. It gives me hope and makes me feel better. Of course, I try not to sing it aloud.

12/19/09

12/19/09

S: 0505
E: 0508

Wow, praise God. I can finally go home. I’m so happy. Remember Steven, that you need to ovey God and serve Him. I have a lot of plans once I get back home. I need to do them because God’s work comes first. Help me God, not to be afraid. To be strong. Honestly, I’m scared about talking to my church, but I need to because they are in my family.

The most important and only thing I will do will be to worship God. I will not, will not play games. I can’t waste my time on this world again.

Protect me Lord, guide me.

12 Dec 2009

12 Dec 2009

 

I’m never a master of this world. Worldly matters is always my weakness. Like today, when someone calls to ask for my dad, I told him everything he wanted but asked nothing back, not even his name. Lack of basic counter-intelligence measures. In this day and age I have to implement these measures because this world is so evil. I really can’t wait for the millennium kingdom to come. Or when the gardener came to collect his due. I paid the money, but I was a little too nice to him. I showered him with niceness and I felt he mostly ignored me.

It saddens and angers me that I have to spend so much of my mental capacity (and even trying to spell that word takes time, sigh) on these necessary worldly matters. I don’t know. Some people are just more gifted in these matters; they have more street smarts. Again, I just have to trust in God to take care of me.

In the military, it’s the same thing. I would lack situational awareness. I wouldn’t know what’s going on. When a NCO says something to a group, I would be the only one not understanding it. When it comes to doing basic tasks that are necessary in this world (changing oil, fluid, getting stuff out, PT, D&C [drill and ceremonies], driving, etc), I would either take longer, or be confused on how to do it. That was my life in basic training, and that’s why I had a babysitter to help me. Now, I still have these problems, but to a lesser extent. Praise God, that He’s helping me bridge the gap.

I just have to have faith and trust in God in these frustrations of daily life.