I’m going to start writing hybrid discoveries. Part will be on paper and part will be digital (typed). Well, if my journal is too long (over a text message jk lol) then it will be typed. That way, I can have the best of both worlds.
Yesterday night (or early morning), I texted Amy, my cousin I have been helping the following message, “Hello Amy. I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help you. I don’t have a girlfriend so I feel depressed and unloved. Until I have a girlfriend (and I’m poor), I won’t be able to help you. I’m sorry. Good-bye.”
I feel this is what I need to do. I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to help people. I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to do this, or that. How can I help others if half of me is missing, or dead? Without a girlfriend, I am paralyzed. I can focus only on my survival, if I’m lucky. Some people are able to live without a girlfriend but not me. I tried so many times before and from my past writings, I won’t make it without a girl who loves me.
I have God’s love and He keeps me alive; He keeps me singing. But I won’t be able to flourish, to thrive, unless I have my lifelong companion. So until I have a girlfriend, I won’t be able to help Amy. I won’t be able to help my church or anyone. I will only be able to help myself, if that.
I think I have a new philosophy on life. It is to be happy. It is different from hedisim because I also want to make other happy. That is my secondary objective. I think life is really all about being happy. Happiness is what counts. Everything else like studying, working, etc are but the means to achieve happiness. As long as someone is happy, that is what counts. Everything else is secondary. Thus, the purpose in my life now is not really to make money or to do anything, but to be happy. I want to do things that makes me happy. There are different terms of happiness. There are short-term and long-term happiness. Going to school, making money, pleasing God, etc. are long-term happiness. They bring happiness in the long-run. Short-term happiness is what makes us happy right now. Instant gratification. If I eat ice-cream or play computer games or just do the things I want to do now, that will bring me happiness immediately. For my life, I want a balance of long and short-term happiness. Too much of one thing and my life won’t work. Too much long-term and I’ll be mirisable. Too much short and I’ll mortgage my future. But, although my own happiness is my primary concern, I will not be happy at others expense. I want to make others happy, too. I think that is why I want to be a social worker. To help people. To help people be happy.
I know Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-13). Paul learned the secret of how to be happy at all times. He learned the secret of happiness. But as Paul wrote elsewhere, he has been given the gift of celibacy and he wished everyone has been given this gift: “Yet I wish all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God…” (1 Corinthians 7:7a). Sadly, I don’t have his gift.
Ok, I am going to start making my breakfast, I mean lunch, and I think I am done writing this discovery. I don’t know why I am still single. I feel I have everything to have a mate. I am willing to love her to death, to give her everything. Anyone reading my earlier discoveries can see that. Well, maybe at first it was lust, but as I matured, that lust also matured into love.