8/7/2013: Forgive and Forget / War Games

8/7/2013: Forgive and Forget / War Games

S: 10:13pm
E: 10:40pm

I will try, as Anna told me, to let God fight my battles instead of me fighting “with God” because I fail a lot. :(

I have been playing a game on Kongregate called “Battle Conquest.” It is a strategy game about good and evil. I’m hooked on those kinds of games. I have been talking to a player named “Joyce” and we were discussing about the guild wars that are going on.

In that game, players can not only fight for the light side (or dark), but can also fight for their respective guilds. The guild war that is going on right now is dividing our faction and interfering with our ability to fight against darkness. At the very end of a battle I typed “We should forgive and forget.” Joyce, who was fighting with me in that battle, sent me a message. What I want share is her last point:

“4) Forgiveness is an act of grace; takes people a while to learn grace in life.”

How true is her point. Part of the reason we are fighting guild vs. guild is because many of them have not experienced grace. I reply to her “God gave me grace and He helped me to forgive.” It’s not just because many of them have not reached stage six of Kohlberg’s Theory of Moral Development.

I made an observation yesterday about this infighting. In that game, it is guild vs. guild, but in this real world, it is nation vs. nation, kingdom against kingdom. Jesus said, “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom” (Matthew 24:7). However, like in the world of Battle Conquest, this world also has an ultimate war, a war of good and evil. I ended my message with:

“Personally, I want to be above all that. I’m not really loyal to one country. Loyal to an extent, yes, but I’m more loyal to the ‘good’ side in this game or the ‘father of lights’ in this world. I wish people can grow up more and realize there is a greater war than guild vs. guild or nation vs. nation.”

The ultimate purpose of Satan regarding mankind is to destroy it. He tried to kill Adam and Eve many times in the Book of Adam and Eve. What better way to destroy mankind than to pit man against man? With unjust war, we are destroying ourselves and fulfilling Satan’s wish. There is an ultimate world, an unseen world, a world of good and evil and that is the battlefront we must all fight in.

11/29/2010: Free-writing

11/29/2010: Free-writing

S: 7:38am

E: 8:21am

I love journal writing or writing on my discovery because I get to free-write. I love free writing because I get to put my thoughts out. It doesn’t have to make sense; it just has to make sense to God :) .

Well, actually, it’s quite hard to free write when I’m also trying to defecate. Heh, but it’s okay, what matters is that I do my best to worship God.

This world is so messed up now. I can sense it every day and it seems to be getting stronger. I can feel more hate when passing people. I still try to say “hi!” or “good to see you.” They can hate but I will love because love comes from God.

It’s sad that when times are hard, people tend to be meaner to each other. They love others less while they love themselves more. When times are good, if you say “hi” to them, most likely they will say “hi” back. Now, if I say “hi” to them, they just ignore me. I can sense the increased amount of stress. I think this is what distinguishes Christians and non-Christians. When times are hard, Christians tend to rely more on God and seek spiritual help from other Christians. They become more loving, happy, patient, peaceful, because these heavenly gifts comes from God. Non-Christians, however, transfer the love they had for people back to themselves. They become more selfish, more self-centered, meaner, and they do more evil things. When a disaster comes, Christians tend to help people while non-Christians tend to destroy people. And yes, there are good people outside of Christianity too, but that is self-righteousness. The Bible says there is no one good but God alone (Mark 10:18). The good things that we do come from the flesh and since they come from the flesh, they are like “filthy rags” to God (Isaiah 64:6). The flesh can do both good and evil but because it is also capable of evil, the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:5-7). His standard is perfection (Matthew 5:48). Only our spirit, through God’s Holy Spirit is acceptable to Him because it is completely good. We can only worship God in spirit and in truth.

Okay, I finally took a dump! Mission accomplished! Heh. I remember while I was still on the say, I thought of the verse:

James 1:15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I need to be careful. It’s not what I want; it’s what God wants. I think I thought of this because to me, taking a dump is like giving birth. It’s not easy and once the movements come, I have to go! I can’t just give birth any time I want.

I remember my mom also has this problem. Sometimes, she would say, “Praise God, I was finally able to drop a big one!” or “Aaah, I feel so good now, now that I took a dump.” I would be surprised that she said it but, now, it makes sense. Once I feel what others feel, it makes sense.

I think the ability to pray to God is such a wonderful gift. When this world gives me the hates, I can always talk to God in prayer. I know that God is the ultimate judge and power comes from Him. I feel peace in the midst of chaos because I can always talk to God about my thoughts and troubles. Anxiety

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I will always pray, pray, when things go wrong till in your heart rings heaven’s song, the loving God, His voice will hear come back to Him he’s always near.

Communication with people is important, but communication with God is more important. Everything that has to do with God is always more important because God is always important. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and He created us.

There is still so much I want to write such as the “trial-and-error” logic. Human reasoning is very flawed because there is always something that humans don’t know. On the other hand, God’s Word is always correct because God knows everything. One reason why I love free-writing is because it also allows me to a preparatory phase before writing a paper on a topic. Maybe that’s what I’m going to do! When I get an essay assignment from English class, instead of using outlines, and drafts, I will just write about it. Free-write. Then, I can reread and harvest the gems to put on my essay, after some organization. To beat an essay I will write about it. To win a war, like what Winston Churchill did, he just talked about it!

1/27/2010

I finally got internet again. Praise God! I really don’t know who I’m writing these notes to. Many times, I would have so much things to write about and say but when it comes to an opportunity, like this, I suddenly grow afraid. If God knows everything, why am I writing this? I think writing this is a good way for me to be connected to God’s family, but…. I might just keep my privacy settings to “only me” so facebook would be for myself and I won’t be afraid.

I am reading “21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Dave Early (one of the books I brought at the PX). I am currently at reason number 8, but reading this book so inspires me and it touches my heart. Many of the reasons why bad things happen to good people pertains to me. I began to understand formally why suffering is such a good thing. Before, in basic and AIT, I suffered everyday harshly, yet, it was during those times when I was close to God. Now, I’m also suffering everyday. Yes, everyday is a life-threating day for me, yet, I have faith, and with faith, I am happy. I praise God that I can be happy, to smile, under harsh conditions. When my platoon had extra things to do, I wasn’t angry, many soldiers in my platoon are, but I wasn’t. I was at peace and content because I know God is watching over me. I know God knows and feels my pain. I am happy to know that I have an intercessor whom I can turn to. God knows pain because Jesus felt the ultimate pain by dying on the cross for our sins.

I must have more faith. Everyday is a day of faith. Everyday requires me to have faith. Faith to live my life to the fullest knowing that God is taking care of me. During my early days in this unit, the one fruit I kept focusing on is patience, is endurance. I had to learn to endure the harshness of life, to just trust in God. I believe now, it’s about faith. I must have faith that no matter what happens, God is in control.

Like today. Yesterday, our platoon did heavy work and most of us were tired and grumbling. I think they shouldn’t grumble. They are much stronger physically than me. When I start to grumble, it is for real. I feel ready to give up. I really feel pain, but I refuse to let others know. I’m afraid what might happen to me if I express my weaknesses. They may misjudge me. The only person that needs to know my pain and my weaknesses is God. Now today, our platoon had to help others out, since we got ours done early. I felt tired and stressed out. Many soldiers in my platoon were also grumbling too. I kept saying to God, “Lord, I love you and you are my God, but this is just too hard/much for me.” I cried and asked God to help me. I refuse and cannot blame God. It’s not his fault, it’s mine because I am just so weak. It was during that time when things became better. I was able to find time to rest in my room (legally because everyone else thinks I’m still at a meeting) and I was able to get internet again from a soldier in my platoon. Three weeks before deployment and he still chooses to order internet? I don’t understand, but, praise God. I was able to update ALL my 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) Chinese children Christian song into youtube. Hey, I promised to post at least one song per day, but since I didn’t have internet, I was making Christian videos all the time. I still have a few select Land of Dream storybooks to upload. Wow, it is such a wonderful pleasure to be able to do God’s work. It is such a blessing. I feel so happy listening to the songs of my youth, but happier still, that I’m able to share them. I received an e-mail telling me that the particular series wasn’t available in Singapore. Praise God.

So please, if you can understand Chinese, visit carbon191’s channel (me) and listen to some Chinese Christian children songs. They are wonderful.

I am still very weak, but God is helping me everyday. I want to suffer now. Suffering is a good thing because it draws me closer to God. It develops my character. It makes me a more mature Christian. It allows me to grow. God is near the broken-hearted. Amen. By saying I want to suffer, that’s wrong. I don’t want to suffer, but if suffering allows me to be a better Christian, than so be it. As long as God is watching me, even though at times, it may not seem so, I want to say that I am willing to suffer.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.

10-24-09

10-24-09

S: 8:26pm
E:

Everyday is a day of weakness for me. I know. Life in this world no supposed to be roses all the way, and for me, life will just be full of suffering. People ask me why I join the Army. I answer them by saying I serve the Lord. I joined the Army to serve the Lord. But it’s painful to just see earthly defeats all the time. It’s hard to take it, hard to bear. I get tired, weak easily. I tend to run out of breath easily, probably thanks to my past Army life. I did what I can, I did my best given my weaknesses and ability at that time.

It’s okay if men ride over me. I am not on this world to defend myself. I am here simply to trust and obey God. If he leads me to Shoel, so be it, he is my God and my King. I will still trust and obey him. There is no other way.

What really got me was tonight’s ground guiding. I am just not talented, not skilled enough to do my job. Despite my best efforts, I mess up so much. It’s depressing to feel the pain and the shame and the suffering that comes as a result of my actions, actions I have viturally no control over. It’s okay, because God is in control of my actions. He knows me more than I know myself.

You know, I feel I am not good at anything. Is there anything I can say that I’m good at and is recongized by people? Nothing. Even in computer games, many people still beat me. In fact, I am probably one of the weaker players. It would be much closer to the truth to say that I suck at everything. And everything military related I tend to suck. Shooting, I can’t shoot. I suck at PT. I have trouble listening. I have trouble speaking. I have trouble communicating. People don’t really trust my abilities. I suck at driving, ground guiding, etc. I suck at doing my crew drills despite my efforts to improve myself.

I take solace that the only thing I don’t suck at is my attributes, my character. I feel that I am good at enduring, patience. Everyday, I have to endure the shame, pain, troubles, burdens of myself. I have to endure this weak body of mine. I am good at being pure. I refuse to sin. I refuse to give in to sin. I refuse to gain temperortary by sinning. I refuse to take pleasures of sin for a season.. At least right now. I am good at showing respect because I respect God. Because I respect God, I have respect for earthly authorties. I am good at being kind, nice, and loving to others. Of course. God taught me to love Him and to love men. I lend freely, I take the loss myself, for I know my treasures are in heaven.

I guess what matters more is the fruits of the Spirit. It is better to be good in character than to be good in talent.

Still, I look at my peers. They are so much more talented, quicker than me. They know this world much more than me. I want to be like them. The drawback? They are evil. They follow the desires of their flesh, its lusts. I cannot do that. I cannot love the world because if I do, the love of God is not in me.

I feel I can write still so much. Yet, I have other things to do. Time is short, perhaps it is already up. But I know that God holds tomorrow. I am weak but He is strong.

10/22/09

10/22/09

S: 7:38pm
E: 7:49pm

I should not fear man, but fear God. Sigh, it’s depressing that I have to endure so much. The pain of weakness, of tireness, of legerthaic. I also have to endure the smiles and jokes of evil ones. Yes, evil ones. They say things that are funny, but wrong. It really isn’t funny. God doesn’t think its funny. Providing strangers with hospitality is pleasing and like a joke to heaven. The Bible said that there is no one who does good, on one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become corrupt. That is true, so true. It is in times like this, when I am surrounded by evil, that I long for peace. I long to be by myself, praying, seeking, worshiping God. Sigh, that is what I should be doing right before the field. Surely I do not have the things of God in my heart. I hate evil because God hates evil. I hate evil because it is against life. It is against love. It is against fairness and justice.

I am just so tired. I want to sleep, to rest in sweet peace. You know what, I’m going to sing along some of my Christian music. I must have Jesus. I cannot bear my burdens alone. I am weary and weak.

You know, many times, I wish I can be weak forever. By being weak, I seek and acknowledge God. I tend to seek the Lord if I am weak. If being weak helps me to seek the Lord, then I would rather have provety than riches, for I know that I have nothing apart from God. It is not my money but God’s. God owns everything I have. If someone steals from me, they are not stealing from me, no, they can have them, I will gladly give it to them, but they are stealing from God. Let God be the judge; let God be my judge. I will not resist evil men, for I know who holds tomorrow. Because Jesus lives, I can live again. Because Jesus lives, I can live tomorrow.

10/14/09

[written diary]

10/14/09 S: 8:27pm E:

The fact is it’s awful that I did not prepare spiritually for the field. As I wrote on facebook, I chose to rebel against God. I thought to myself: if I’m going to sin against God, I might as well sin all the way. I am wrong. I have no excuses against Him. Now, I am paying the price. I hate paying the price. I want to move on, to advance spiritually with God. I must be honest with everyone on facebook because I always try to be honest with God. God, help me. Help me to obey and worship you. Guide me God. Sigh, I have to put on earphones because I am sinning against God by listening to sinful speech. Field is going to be so hard for me. I will trust in God’s faithfulness. I hope my church is praying for me. I know I am almost worthless, but I will still seek and oby God, because he is good and his love endures forever. I don’t think anyone will love me because I am underserving of love. I am just not good enough to have a wife. Look at me! I am sinful, I am not high-speed enough, I am too weak.

I guess my very life is God’s gift to me. Many times, I just don’t want to live anymore because I get no pleasure in them; and the pleasures of sin is not pleasure to me because they last only for a season.

The things I want, I cannot have. It’s painful. Sigh, I only have one choice left: to rest in His faithfulness. Heaven is my home! Because He is my hope, my life’s light. Thank you God, for your faithfulness. Each day I live is a gift from God.

5/12/05

{written}  My Discovery

5/12/05  3:53pm – 4:05pm

I think I know how to live now, just as long as I don’t forget.  I will just live my life, not marry, and do my best to help others.  I will also be open-minded and trust in God.  I will always remember human suffering.  Remembering human suffering is good because it reminds me that life is not for yourself, but for helping others.  It reminds me not to be happy, joyful or gung-ho because the world is not perfect yet.  Once everything is find, once huger is elimitated, peace is established, love and empathy is everywhere, then we can rejoice, Then we can laugh, have a good time and enjoy ourselves.  I will not seek for the best, but seek to help others.  My desires would be controlled by my desire to solve the world’s problems:  Hunger, war, death, famine, rape, slaughter, chaos, etc.  I will be a better person and help others.  I don’t care if I’m not number 1, I just care about helping others.  I don’t care if no one likes me just as long as I’m helping others.