12/14/2012: My Girl’s a Vegetable

12/14/2012: My Girl’s a Vegetable

{S:4:00pm}  Note: I want to write this because this piece forms a part of my thinking.  I know it is wrong because God is the Judge.  What really matters is that I spend time with Him.  I really want to write this but, at the same time, I don’t want to write this, so, I decided to write this so I can write this.

My girl’s a vegetable
She lives in a hospital
But I would do anything
To keep her alive

She has a green TV
It’s called an EKG
But I would do anything
To keep her alive

She has no arms or legs
That’s why we call her pegs
But I would do anything
To keep her alive

Sometimes I play a joke
Pull the plug and watch her choke
But I would do anything
To keep her alive

Source: http://www.armystudyguide.com/content/cadence/marching_cadence/my-girls-a-vegetable.shtml

Sometimes, I feel my girl, well, she’s not a vegetable, but she is in heaven.  She is in heaven because she was aborted thanks to China’s One-Child Policy.  Although now it is more relaxed, in the past, most Chinese families can only have one child.  In Chinese culture, they favor boys more than girls because boys can past on the family name, among other things.  So, many families in China hope and try to get a boy.  Some families, however, go the extreme.  When they know they have a girl, they try to abort the baby and try again, which is called femicide.  According to the 2010 Census, there are 119 boys for every 100 girls born in China.  Other Asian countries also suffer from gender imbalances, such as “India, Taiwan, Vietnam…” (Flora).

The consequences of a male-dominated gender imbalance in a society can be serious.  Since there is a decrease of available females, only men who are well-off or have a higher social-economic status can attract a woman.  Violent crimes will increase.  There will be an increase in prostitution because there will be a demand for females.  More men will join the military, leading to an increase in violence and a more aggressive foreign policy.  Girls mean peace.  :)

So, who knows?  Maybe my future wife is aborted and in heaven.  But, even if it’s not, I can make the world a more peaceful place by giving my future wife to someone else.  I can volunteer to be single to alleviate the male-female gender imbalance.  Of course, I need at least another 10-20% of single Asian men to do the same thing.

So my girl was a “vegetable.”  She did, most likely at one point in time, lived in a hospital.  The doctors attached an EKG on the mother’s stomach and the rest is history.  But, I would do anything to “keep her alive.”  {E: 4:49pm}

Source:

“China Releases First 2010 Census Results.”  Population Reference Bureau.  http://www.prb.org/Articles/2011/china-census-results.aspx

Flora, Carlin.  “A World Without Women.”  Psychology Todayhttp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/under-friendly-spell/201107/world-without-women

11/29/2012: Wong

11/29/2012: Wong

{S: 6:11am}  I just thought of her.  There is this girl named Wong.  She is a 14T, a Patriot missile control operator.  Back in advanced individual training (AIT), she was one of the shortest girls.  You should see her carry her M-16.  The weapon was almost taller than her!  It was so cute.

I was really nervous talking to her because I am really nervous talking to girls I like.  The few times I talked to her at the dining facility (DFAC), I learned, to my disappointment, that she only speaks Cantonese.

When I got to my unit after training, she was also in my same battalion.  One day, when I went to El Paso Chinese Baptist Church in late 2009, I saw her!  She talked to me and told me she has yeast infection.  I didn’t know what to say; I thought yeast infection came naturally.  I didn’t want to lose respect so I behaved all rationally and coldly.  I merely listened to her and went on my way.  I didn’t know it was probably a cry for help.

I met her a few weeks later, before I deployed to Kuwait.  She asked if I needed a ride to church.  I forgot how I responded but I remember that I hid my feelings from her.  I believe she got the impression that I don’t care about her anymore because of what she did.

Later, I found out through my ears that she had sex with five guys in one night.

I asked my church members about her after I returned from Kuwait and I think one or two of them remembered the description of the girl I was talking about.  They told me she went to Bible study before.  I talked to Waley about her and sometimes he told me he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and other times he remembered her.  But, he told me that “she just.. disappeared.”  I talked to soldiers in her battery and they told me she went to another base.  I tried to find her on online but I couldn’t.  That is the end of my contact with her.

Miriam, in the Pixar movie The Prince of Egypt, said that “they” which means the Egyptians, can take away their dignity and “even our lives,” but they cannot take away our spirit.  The Army, or to put it in a broader perspective, human beings, can take away almost everything: our dignity, our time, our freedom, our virginity, but they cannot take away, if we don’t allow them to, our spirit.

Like that “New York” song when “good girls” become “bad,” a girl has to be prepared to lose everything when she joins the Army, or anywhere where intense human natures flourish.  I almost lost everything in the Army but I was able to cling on to God.  Soldiers tell me that the Army is supposed to “break you down and then build you back up.”  Well, human nature, and I know from the Bible that it is inherently sinful, cannot be completely broken down except by Jesus Christ at the cross.  {E: 7:04am}

11/26/2012

11/26/2012: Jesus Loves You / Chasing dreams

{S: 8:52pm}  All of us need God; we all need him for support.  If nothing else, then we need him as the Mediator.  We need him to settle human conflicts.  People close to me are fighting; they have been battling each other for years.  Without God, without a higher authority, there is no solution in sight.  Just like the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians.  There are some problems I cannot solve; only God can solve.

In this world
There is a never-ending truth
And that is
Jesus loves you.

In this world
There is conflict and struggle
But we have the closeness of God’s love.

I was going to write something much more cheerful until I checked my e-mail.  But, I may still write it anyways.  A cheerful heart is good medicine.

The best solution I can give, that men can give, is delay.  The solution is to delay until the final solution, when God comes, is here.

The three most powerful words in the universe are not “I love you” but “Jesus loves you.”

+

I found the perfect way to find a girlfriend.  I got it from the master deceiver, Jacob.  I can just walk up to a girl and say, “I’ll work for you for seven years.”  I mean, which girl can resist that?

I see my virginity as my birthright.  No, I won’t give it for a pot of stew or for just any girl.

+

But jokes aside, sometimes I wished God never made Eve.  Then, I don’t have to worry about all the nonsense that single people worry about.  Chasing girls; chasing dreams.  The Bible says “hope delayed makes the heart sick” and I’m tired of waiting.

That’s what I talked to D (full name not given) about.  She shared with me her story.  She told me she married late, at age 30, so I will also find someone too.  I just have to pray to God everyday for my Eve and be patient.  I told her I tried that, since the Army, but maybe it’s not long enough.

She also told me most girls don’t like to rush things.  She told me of a guy that tried to be aggressive with her but she just rejected him.  She was in her early 20s.  But, if I’m drowning in a sea of despair, I have to struggle, I have to be desperate.  But, I believe, deep in our every core, all we really need is God.  He can be my life-support.  It may seem my feet is not touching any ground but if I believe I will be able to stand in this water and walk my way out to Paradise.

{E:9:28pm}

10/18/2012: 如果你想知道 / If You Want to Know

10/18/2012: 如果你想知道 / If You Want to Know

{S: 11:21pm} 你覺得愛是從哪裡來?  我好長的時間以為愛是從女生的, 以為愛是從我拿到一個A, 我 以為愛是從我採會有愛; 以為愛是從人來的.  感謝主我知道愛真得是從神來的.

雖然或是萬一沒有人愛我, 我知道神愛我因為愛是從神來的.

我知道我中文很爛, 我的英文有時候講得不好, 我的西班牙, 我跟門較不想講.  但是最首要是我對神好.

這首歌有感動我和給我希望.  神一直愛我涵愛永遠是從神邇來得. {E: 12:21am}

Translation:  Do you know where love comes from?  For the longest time, I thought love only comes from girls, or from getting an “A,” then I can feel loved.  I thought love comes from men.

Even if I feel no one loves me, I know that God loves me because love comes from God.

I know my Chinese sucks, I stutter when I speak English, my Spanish? I’m not even going to mention about it.  However, what really matters is I’m good with God.

This song touches me and gives me hope.  God will always love me and He loves with an everlasting love.

 

10/9/2012: Purple Star

10/9/2012: Purple Star

{8:07pm}  Another general love song.  I can’t be specific!  : p

Why am I recording my songs virally?  Part of the reason is because I want to save them for the future.  I also want to share these songs because they demonstrate how I feel these days.  Nowadays, I don’t sing these songs for a particular girl anymore but to God.  When I sing these songs, I’m trying to tell God how wonderful it would be if I have a girlfriend.  These songs give me passion; it revives me.  These songs are also like the Song of Songs; it reminds me how amazing and mysterious is the “way of a man with a maiden” (Proverbs 30:19).

I want to make it clear, however, that I think I am perfectly capable of being single.  I think, if it needs be, that I can just devote myself to God.  I can just sing love songs to God.  The songs I’m singing in high school can be sung for Him.  Already, I am doing that.

I forgot how I thought of this song.  I think it was during my freshman year.  And, to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever dreamed of a purple star.

Lastly, to give a blast from the past, I like to think every girl as a star.  There is a green star, a yellow star, a blue star, and, my most precious and the only star that has a song, a purple star.

You’re the purple star

In my dream.

You’re the only girl

That makes me sing. (OR “I really need”)

When time goes by

I want you by my side.

You’re the purple star

That lights my eyes.

{E: 8:38pm}

10/7/2012: Dreaming of an Angel

10/7/2012: Dreaming of an Angel

{S: 12:37am}  One of my high school love songs.. oops did I say that?

When I was in high school, I was really shy with girls.  Part of the reason is because I feel I’m not good enough and another reason is because I’m afraid of failing and also another of being rejected.  So, instead of asking girls out, I would sing for them.  Yes, every girl I’m “in love” with has a song.

I forgot how I would think of these songs.  I think when I think of that girl, a song would come up.  One song was made for a girl during a thunderstorm while strumming on my guitar.  I thought of a melody and it stuck with me.  I will share, or I hope I will share, some of my feature love songs in the future.

This song, “I am Dreaming of an Angel” is a general love song I made during my early years (freshman / sophomore) in high school.  It catches the emotions I feel when I am hopelessly in love with a girl so innocent and so sweet.  I would be dreaming of an angel.

When I sing this song, I will try to sing this in a higher octave and would tap my toe or feet for rhythm and for a little bit of percussion.

For this song, I sang in the key of F but my piano was played in the key of C (I paused when I realized that mistake).  I apologize for that.

I am Dreaming of an Angel

I am dreaming of an angel

Dreaming of her everyday

Dreaming of her when I’m awake.

I am dreaming that I love her.

Dreaming that I be with her.

Dreaming of her till I’m dead.

1/23/2011: Better than them

1/23/2011: Better than them

S: 7:47pm

E: 8:33pm

I don’t know how to start this. People read what I write and people are concerned about first impressions. It’s like I know what to write but I don’t know how to disseminate the information. This is the gift of a teacher. A teacher knows stuff but he or she has to find a way to share the information so everyone else can understand as good as the teacher. Just as I’m trying to think how my former students think and process learning information, I’m trying to think of how to approach this. I’m glad when we go to heaven, time will not be a matter, so therefore, first impressions will not matter. I can spend infinity and infinity with everybody.

I just found out what an evil and wicked person I am. Of course I know that I’m evil and everyone is evil because we are born in sin, but I am just beginning to realize the extent of my sin and uncleanness. Knowing God is not a substitute for following God. I found this out the hard way. I can read so much about God, read the Bible, pray, love, etc, etc, but if I don’t follow Him, everything will go haywire. That no matter how much we know about God, we still cannot live righteously. The way to live righteously is to pick up our cross and follow God (Matthew 10:38). Knowledge about God cannot change sinful human nature.

This is where I failed yesterday. After a frustrating day of work, I came to my room and I’m glad I can finally detress and unwind with Sunday, a free day, ahead of me. There was nobody in our tent. I laid down on my bed and temptations came to me. This is your chance, my mind told me, there is nobody here. Nobody will know. I was tempted to check pornography. But then, I remembered what I wrote yesterday about the dangers of unwinding in God or in the world. I got up my bed and decided to write a discovery about my hardship when I was trying to sleep (but can’t) on Friday night and what I learned.

After writing about half-way, I had a need to use the latrine, so I went, took a dump, and came back. However, when I came back, my flesh won over. I thought screw it, I’m just going to check and relieve myself really quick. Nobody will know. Well, God will know, but He will be the judge. I have to; I can’t help myself. So I got out of bed, closed my half-written discovery without saving, and checked porn. Granted, I had a good time but I knew that short-term gain is not worth long-term pain. After that incident, my morals went downhill. I played computer games. Adult Japanese computer games. I did not eat dinner that night because I feel so afraid. Just as Adam hid in the bush after eating the forbidden fruit, I want to hide in my room and enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. And that vicious cycle went on until today. When I realized that I’m not as good as a person I think I am.

I look at my battle buddies, fellow soldiers and they talk about sin openly. They talk about sex, girls, hate, they spread gossip, etc. They spend a lot of their time watching racy movies, some even porn movies. I know soldiers who have gigabytes of porn. I can’t believe it. They live on what feels good. I shun their behavior. I try to avoid them. I try to help them. But then, half an hour before I started writing this discovery, a realization came to my mind: That I am just as sinful, if not more sinful then they. The only thing that separates me from them is that I try to do good, that I try to follow God, that I have organized resistance against evil. I look at them and I’m glad I know and love God, that I’m not a “sinner or tax collector” (Matthew 9:11).

Matthew 9:10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples.

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:9-14)

So many times, I know I’m an evil person, I know that I sin (specifically, fall into temptation) all the time but at least I’m not that bad as them. I don’t talk about evil (much), I don’t watch porn movies, I don’t do these nasty things, but yet, I do them in the safety of my own room. I’m being like a Pharisee, too. I don’t’ do these evil things openly and I disapprove those who do and I try to help and pray for them, but yet, I myself do those things secretly. I heard from the Barnes Poll that a third of pastors check porn at least once a month. That’s shocking. Today, I discovered that knowing about God and experiencing Him is no substitute for following Him. I can know God, I can praise and say He has done wonderful things for me, but yet, if I chose not to follow Him, I am no better than a sinful and evil man. If I don’t follow God, I am no better than people living in the days of Noah.

And this is one reason why I’m so afraid and ashamed to be out with people. Because I feel so guilty and ashamed of my sins. Because I feel such a hypocrite.

Proverbs 28:1 The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

After sinning against God, there are times when I want to “flee from his presence” (Psalm 139:6), yet, as the Psalmist wrote, no matter where I go, God will still be there. I cannot run, I cannot hide, I can only repent.

12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

5-12-05

{written}

My Discovery

5-12-05  12:10am

I know, I should be going to sleep right now but I’m not.  The reason why is because I have something very important to share with you.  I know I’m so messed up, I love many different girls: Lydia, Anna, Rebeca, Namoi, Ashley, Julai, Jessica, Jennifer (yes, both) and much more.  This is one of the main reasons why I try to not get involved with a serious relationship.  I will think of another girl and commit adultary.  I hope the first girl I date will be my wife.  Looks like that is a fairy tale.  Everything is a fairy tale to me.  I’m tired of trying to be better because I’m not making any improvements.  I’m writing my discovery because no one else will listen to me.  I have no girl friend to talk too, and I have no friends (too personal + would like to share it with a girl) to talk too.  All the girls I like are all too smart for me.  Anna for example, has a much better future than me based on our grades.  People thinks that me taking two AP classes, I must be smart, well, there’re wrong.  It’s quality not quanity.  However If I’m not going to love anyone, how will I get rid of this junk passon?  Check porn?  No that’s sinning and commiting adultary.  Try one-night stands?  No, thats even worse, you are destroying your body.  Then what can I do?  I’m trapped.  My wish right now is to buy Anna a birthday gift (pencil box :) ) and to invite her to prom.  That will be my last and only love I will ever have in my life.  I want to experense the intense passion, love and joy of being bonded with Eve.  There’s no chance.  I always mess up.  Better die than be born blind.

4/22/05

4/22/05  12:10am
Ok, a bunch of crap.

+ A flower dies but a rock never dies.
Don’t show up, let your beauty be for you only
+ Sometimes your smart, dumb or both.
There is a time for everything.
+ The deeper you fall, the higher to get back up.
The more risk you take, the more excitement you get.
+ Nervous never does a body good.  Only kills.
Some ppl (like me) have ‘genes’ for failure.

I can’t speak in a world that requires you to speak.
I can’t not be nervous in a world that requires you not to be nervous.
I can’t be unshy in a world that punishes you for being shy.
I know I need to change but I can’t change.  Is it my fault that I can’t change?  Then why are some ppl making fun of me?  In their eyes, do I deserve to live in this world?  Or should I die?  What happens if I die?  I’m going to be more evil now.  I’m going to either say nothing or speak like a King.  To ingnore my pain or to kill it completely.  Not to mention overkill it.  I am either going to try or not try at all.  Either 100% or 0%.  Either do Naowi all the way or have nothing to do with her.  This means to take more risks.  But why if ppl make fun of me?  No, ppl Will make fun of me.  What can I do?
Let ppl suffer. Theres too many of us anyways.  We are helping them in the long run.

I always think of Lydia, but I know she would never love me.  I always think of Cathrine but I know that she would never even see me let alone love me.  And Ruby?  She can’t love me.  Part of it or ALL of it is my fault.  I screwed up my future.  Once I thought my future would be brighter as the Elven Star but now is it even close to a star?  There is no one who can love me.  My days are over.  I failed.  I failed everyone.  Games killed me, songs binded {could be “blinded”} me, hope fades away from me.  Hope drains me.  I hate asking people for help now.  Not just now, always, forever and ever!  Thank you God for creating this useless, stupid life!