8/23/2013

8/23/2013

S: 12:09pm

E: 12:50pm

[written]

I’m going to start writing hybrid discoveries.  Part will be on paper and part will be digital (typed).  Well, if my journal is too long (over a text message jk lol) then it will be typed.  That way, I can have the best of both worlds.

Yesterday night (or early morning), I texted Amy, my cousin I have been helping the following message, “Hello Amy.  I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help you.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I feel depressed and unloved.  Until I have a girlfriend (and I’m poor), I won’t be able to help you.  I’m sorry.  Good-bye.”

[typed]

I feel this is what I need to do.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to help people.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to do this, or that.  How can I help others if half of me is missing, or dead?  Without a girlfriend, I am paralyzed.  I can focus only on my survival, if I’m lucky.  Some people are able to live without a girlfriend but not me.  I tried so many times before and from  my past writings, I won’t make it without a girl who loves me.

I have God’s love and He keeps me alive; He keeps me singing.  But I won’t be able to flourish, to thrive, unless I have my lifelong companion.  So until I have a girlfriend, I won’t be able to help Amy.  I won’t be able to help my church or anyone.  I will only be able to help myself, if that.

I think I have a new philosophy on life.  It is to be happy.  It is different from hedisim because I also want to make other happy.  That is my secondary objective.  I think life is really all about being happy.  Happiness is what counts.  Everything else like studying, working, etc are but the means to achieve happiness.  As long as someone is happy, that is what counts.  Everything else is secondary.  Thus, the purpose in my life now is not really to make money or to do anything, but to be happy.  I want to do things that makes me happy.  There are different terms of happiness.  There are short-term and long-term happiness.  Going to school, making money, pleasing God, etc. are long-term happiness.  They bring happiness in the long-run.  Short-term happiness is what makes us happy right now.  Instant gratification.  If I eat ice-cream or play computer games or just do the things I want to do now, that will bring me happiness immediately.  For my life, I want a balance of long and short-term happiness.  Too much of one thing and my life won’t work.  Too much long-term and I’ll be mirisable.  Too much short and I’ll mortgage my future.  But, although my own happiness is my primary concern, I will not be happy at others expense.  I want to make others happy, too.  I think that is why I want to be a social worker.  To help people.  To help people be happy.

I know Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-13).  Paul learned the secret of how to be happy at all times.  He learned the secret of happiness.  But as Paul wrote elsewhere, he has been given the gift of celibacy and he wished everyone has been given this gift: “Yet I wish all of you were as I am.  But each of you has your own gift from God…” (1 Corinthians 7:7a).  Sadly, I don’t have his gift.

Ok, I am going to start making my breakfast, I mean lunch, and I think I am done writing this discovery.  I don’t know why I am still single.  I feel I have everything to have a mate.  I am willing to love her to death, to give her everything.  Anyone reading my earlier discoveries can see that.  Well, maybe at first it was lust, but as I matured, that lust also matured into love.

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

S: 12:12am
E: 1:01am

So to continue my written entry through typing, I want to ask myself a question, a obvious question. Why am I looking for a girlfriend? Because I need one. Why do I need one? Because a girlfriend, a soulmate gives me companionship. She can satisify me soulically, physically, mentally, and probably spiritually, if we worship and devote to God together.

I feel like I am cursed. I feel like I am cursed by God and scorned by men. I have the mark of Cain. I don’t understand why? I eagerly try to follow God and this is where it has brought me. Of course I mess up; of course I fail, but I always try to get back up on my feet. Being generous has given me poverty. Trying to love others has given me hate. I told myself that if other people were to love me half as much as I loved them, I would be like a hero. I would had no problems. Trying to follow God has given me suffering. But, you know, the funny thing is I’m still going to love God. Despite all this pain and conceived disadvantages, I’m still going to follow Him. Why? Because I know He is real and I know He has helped me before. I experienced Him in the Army. Despite my fallen state, despite my church-less state, I’m still going to be loyal to Him. I left my church because I felt angry at God for not helping me and giving me support. I want to serve my church; I want to serve Him, not for me but for His Glory. But, I wasn’t given the opportunity, and when opportunity does come, He did not give me the help and the resources to capitalize on the opportunity. I tried, I asked God for help. I feel, deep inside, that I can do more, so much more, if only I have the right kind of support and love. I am like a plant who cannot reach its full potential because it does not receive the right amount of nutrients. I tried to make them myself. I tried to synthize them. I tried to ask God for them. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Why? Why is it that I don’t have a girlfriend? I am willing to die for her, just as Christ died on the cross for us. I am willing to give everything I have, my life, I am willing to change myself for her. I would serve her, of course, we would serve God first. I am willing to give so much love, to do so much if only, if only someone could be my girlfriend, my soulmate, my future wife.

What does it take? Do I need to bring a gun to her head and say “be my girlfriend” for her to be my girlfriend? I have tried for so long and I don’t know what to do. I hate to do evil but I feel that if no one loves me and cares about me, then I would rather just go out with a bang. I would excute my evil Samson Option. If I cannot love them and serve them even though I wanted to, then I will have no choice but to do evil. I want to teach them a lesson of what lack of love can do to a person. Look at Frankenstein. He was just a gentle and kind beast. But everyone in the story hated him and ran away from him. He travelled everywhere to find love but found none. He was forced to kill to protect himself. I feel like people are treating me like Frankenstein. I love people; I am willing to die for them, if only they love and care about me. If only a girl can share her life with me. Adam’s first human contact was not with another man, but with his future wife.

It is because of love that I chose to be a social worker. It is because of love that I volunteered for my church. It is because of love that I decided to push myself to be a better person. But if all my efforts are in vain, to love and be loved, then, like Frankenstein, I will have no choice but to do evil to survive. But that is as a last resort. I want to do good, not evil. And whatever I do, I know God will be my ultimate judge.

Coming back from Los Angeles, I brought most of my old journals with me. And a key theme, a key element of my entries is my desperation to find a girlfriend. What I am feeling then, back in 2006, back in 2003, is what I am also feeling now.

I don’t want to improve myself because no one loves me (unconditional love has much greater weight). I don’t want to improve myself just for the sake of self. I want to improve myself for myself so I can help others. But if I cannot help others because I don’t receive enough love, then life would be horrible for me. I would rather not live. I would have no motivation to live life. The reason why I’m playing so much computer games is because in those games, I can contribute, I can help. I am able to use my full potential to help others in that game. In Caesar 3, I am able to build my city so it can prosper and make others happy. In Battle Conquest, I fight the good side so I can push back the Armies of Darkness. I gain satisfaction from them because I am contributing something. If I cannot contribute good in this world then I would have to contribute evil. But I don’t want to so I must go out with a bang. I must end my life and probably the life of others so this world may learn what a lack of love can do to a person, to a person who actually wants to give the opposite.

And I feel, after writing this, that some girl might feel pity on me and may want to marry me. But I don’t want a girl to love me based on pity. My mom told me, before she divorced my dad, that she married him partly because she felt sorry for him. But that was a big mistake. I want a girl to love me, to marry me because she loves God and loves the way I am.

I am thinking of a Chinese Christian song that I learned from my church choir. I can’t write Chinese and I don’t know all the lyrics but here it is:

Wei le ai, ta lai dao shi xie shang (Because of love, He came to earth)

Wei le ai, ta bei ding shi zi jia (Because of love, He was nailed on the Cross)
Ta di ai, shi shi jie you pang wong. (His love, gave this world hope)

And it’s true. Because of God’s love, I have hope.

8/23/2013:

[written diary]

8/23/2013:

S: 12:07am
E: 12:11am

I want to start writing again. Before, I type my discoveries on my computer. Both have their merits and they are not completely interchangeable, so I will do both.

I feel I am so confused. I want a girlfriend, a soulmate, but at the same time, I don’t. But the odds are against me finding a gf.

You know, writing is a bit too slow. I’ll write when I’m at a place where I don’t have access to my computer. I’m going to type.

8/21/2013

[written diary]

8/21/2013

S: 9:25am
E: 9:49am

I haven’t written any diary or discovery in a long time. All of my entries were typed because it’s faster and easier, however, as I said back in the Army, writing a discovery has its perks too. I find that writing, if I have experience, will be better if I type it. I would do a two-part process. First, of course, I would write my thoughts and, second, I would convert it to “[typed]” format.

I am at the Greyhound Phoneix terminal now, after about seven hours of riding in the bus. Our bus, our trip, is the express mode, which is that it takes as few stops as possible. I spent most of my time sleeping on the bus. Its seats are more comfortable than my last trip. Writing is actually more slower than texting lol.

I really need a girlfriend to survive, to be happy. I think the best way to get one, with God, is to just do it, like Nikey. But, as I am doing it, I need to shine my own light, kind of like to be myself. I say “kind of” because I could change my present color, my aura. I’m going to try —— first, followed by ——-, and then ——. After that, it would be everyone. Actually, I made kind of a “list of girls.” I will try to get with each one, to ask them to marry me. What are my chances? Pretty hopeless but “With God, all things are possible” as seen from my old CIA notes.

I was looking through my old files in my room, walking down memory lane. That is how I saw my notes from CIA and not just CIA but also notes from my school, LVN, etc. And that is why I decided to bring my old diaries with me. Well, 2/3. I forgot the oldest one at home. Guess I’ll bring it next time when I come back.

Ok, it has been awhile now and I’m afraid I might not have more time and I’m tired of protecting myself from people who may want to see what I write.

God loves you.
I love you.
Good-bye. :)

8/2/2013: My Purchasing Power

8/2/2013: My Purchasing Power

S: 1:59am
E: 3:10am

There’s something about me writing late at night.  This is the time when my mind and soul are more attuned to itself.

Today, I accidentally spilled a small amount of water on my main laptop.  I have two laptops, I call my main one my “mothership” and this one, which I am writing on now, my “scout ship.”  I promptly shut off my computer and disconnected all external devices to let the computer dry.  When I came back after class to check on my computer, it could turn it on.  But after a while, the keyboard started acting funny.  When I press the “w” key, “wt” or another characters pop out.  When I press backspace, “tw” or something else came up.  The water probably damaged the keyboard circuitry.  Alarmed, I googled searched for advice.  I shut off my computer, turned it upside down, tilted the computer in various directions to get the water out, and blow-dried it.  I didn’t see any water but that didn’t really reassure me.  The water might be trapped inside.  I turned on my computer after waiting for a few hours because I was impatient.  I want to play computer games.  Praise God, the keyboard shows some hope.  The “w” key shows as “w,” and the delete key actually deletes.  But after a short while, the keyboard syndrome came again.  So, I turned off my computer to let it dry some more.  The experts I read told me to let it dry upside-down for 24 hours.  So, I’m using my tiny laptop now.  The one, if I remember correctly, I had back from Kuwait.

Guess what class I’m taking for Summer 2?  That’s right, “La Chicana.”  I’m studying Mexican girls and women.  I seriously didn’t know it.  My Spanish wasn’t that good and by the time I realized my mistake after taking Spanish 2 in Summer 1, it was too late to change.  I thought I would be studying Hispanic History.  But I love my class.  I’m learning about the struggles and the “story of resistance,” as my professor puts it, of Chicanas and Chicanos (Mexican women and men).  There, I learned that the trinity in sociology and ethnic studies are race, class, and gender.  Today, I watched a PBS film titled “Brown is the New Green.”  The film is partly about how corporations use the pan-American term “Hispanic” for marketing purposes even though 51% of Hispanics prefer to see themselves by country (Mexican, Puerto Rican, Dominican, etc).  From previous readings and films from this class, I came to the conclusion that human rights in U.S. correlates with $$.  Back in the 1930s until fairly recently, the media portrays minorities using negative stereotypes and overt racism.  Chicanos were seen as dirty, poor, indians, and over-sexed.  Asian-American women were seen as novel, sexy, and as “dragon-ladies” while her counterpart were seen as non-sexual and shifty.  And for many White Americans who have never seen a Mexican-American or Asian-American, they use those stereotypes to judge these people.  Little was being done to rectify them in part because, back then, those minorities lack purchasing power.  Today, Asian-Americans, Blacks, and Latinos have a combined purchasing power of more than $2.3 (about) trillion.  Latinos alone, according to this film, are expected to reach $1.2 trillion by 2011.  Media and businesses saw this and quickly changed their attitude toward those minorities.  They took away overt racism and made advertisements geared for the Hispanic market.  It is this new-found money that these minorities have that sped up civil rights.  All this reinforces the belief that money drives America.  Dollar diplomacy.

Likewise, I want a girlfriend, a soulmate, but I know my chances are not good right now because I don’t have money.  Lets be honest.  I feel I am at least half-right.  For the more secular girls, I’m probably completely right.  If I have $, I would be half-way there.  I see that my dad is correct in telling me when I was young that money is everything in American society.  If God wills, as much as it depends on me, I will try to make as much money as possible because with money I can:

1) Have freedom, as seen by my media example and purchasing power.
2) Change the world.  Look at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.  They have money, they can do the world a lot of good.  Look at the major charities in the world: World Vision, American Red Cross.  All these have big money in their coffers.
3) Empower myself.  With money I will have more means to do things.  I learned in my social work classes that poverty is one factor that keeps people down.  There are many other theories but this is one of them.
4) Loved and respected by society.  Taking concepts from investing, it is the fundamentals that count.  It doesn’t matter if other people say bad things or hate me.  I have the money to back me up.

I regret my decision to give so much money to charity and needy people.  I should have, as the parable of the three talents said, invested in a farm, a restaurant, or in a bank.  :)  I should still give but it would be less.  I know there are many arguments to this.  If the world is going to end soon, then storing up treasures in heaven is what counts.  If that is the criteria, then I have done the right thing.  I made the right investments.  But, I will use wisdom from God to make those decisions.  I feel back in my giving-days, I lacked some wisdom in saving for my future.

So, money is what drives all the nations of the world.  It has a heavy influence on most people because our society is driven by capitalism.  In class, one female student said that many woman struggle with choosing between a “safe” guy and a “fun” guy.  The woman wants the “safe” guy because of the stable income but she may think he is boring.  She wants the “fun” guy because he can make her life interesting, but he may not have the means to support her.  So, she may settle in a gray area between those two extremes.  I think most if not all woman nowadays factor money and income as at least 50% of their decision whether to choose this man or not.  So if I don’t have money, I probably already lost or at the very least, heavily disadvantaged.  It is like the final exam for this class.  My final exam is worth, I just checked, 50% of my class grade.  If I don’t have money, which is at least 50%, or fine, let’s say I got 50% on the final exam, an “F,” still, it will still affect my grade heavily.  I might only be like a “C” or a “D” to a girl.  It is not good enough.  I can have “A’s” in everything else.  I can love God, be loving, caring, but to her, it won’t be enough.

It is sad but this is the way things work in this world.  I look forward to the day when Jesus comes back.  To the day when all will be repaid according to what he or she had done.  Then we can reenter the Garden of Eden.  Then we will all live forever.  Money will not be an issue because we would all be bazillionires.

7/18/2013: To get a girlfriend or not

7/18/2013: To get a girlfriend or not

S: 9:34am
E: 10:03am

This piece is more addressed to you, Steven. As with almost all my writing or thinkings, not everything I write at a set point will convey 100% of my thoughts. At best, this may just be the tip of an iceberg.

The most important thing is developing your life philosophy. And what’s more important than that is it must be centered on God. God is the strongest force in the universe. Satan is the second. And everything else imagined or created by humans is third. And the ranking is not relative. God is much stronger than Satan and Satan is much stronger than what we can conceive. Without God, we will all lose in the end.

In my bed last night, I struggled with self-identity. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to just ignore everyone except God and to just make a living and give money. After all, I suck being social even though I tried many, many times. But that is beyond the point of this blog. Another part of me, the second part, wants me to live like a godly man, like I did back in my latter days in the Army. To ask God and keep asking Him for strength, courage, and wisdom. The three magical words. But the most important is to live with wisdom. If I mess up and I know I will mess up, many times, I’m just going to learn, pray, talk to God, just endure and carry on. What matters is my heart, my goal is in the right place.

But I cannot do that if I choose to withdraw from the world. I cannot choose both. So, since Satan and its forces are the second strongest, anything I create will only be in third place. Not enough. I must then, follow God.

It sucks to stand alone, to be alone, to fight alone. I will fall more easily. But, again, as long as I have Jesus Inside (the T-shirt I’m wearing right now :) ), I’ll still be okay. Gosh, I have a lot more other topics to write about but I need to stay focused.

To get a girlfriend or not. More like to try to get a girlfriend or not. I have been struggling with this issue from almost the beginning and I want to contribute my experience and life on this issue.

As I wrote earlier, the most important issue is not whether to actively find a girlfriend or not, but to choose Jesus. The second most important, and they are not relative to each other, might be finding a life-mate. I have been doing periodic research and intense thinking. I have watched “tutorials” on what to do and so forth. My conclusions are, Steven, that the gold-lining is just to be yourself with God. If a girl comes your way; if God gives you a wife, then amen, so be it. But if not, then you can ask God for a girlfriend, just as Christians tell God of our feelings, but if He doesn’t give you one, then so be it. Your love for Him must not be less or more if He does decide to give you one.

The Bible says that not having a wife is better than having a bad wife (Proverbs 21:9 AND Proverbs 25:24). And I can partly see why. There are disadvantages to having a girlfriend:

(in no particular order)

1) Less time spent on God (Unless your Eve wants to spend as much time with God, too, but even that, there is still less potential time spent on God).
2) Increased cost of maintenance and increased cost in general (Unless you find a thrifty wife such as having dual income, and so forth, but that is the exception).
3) The inevitable fights you will have with your partner (Nobody is perfect, save God).

The benefits of being single (if you can and forgive me if I repeat myself):

1) Less distractions or worries in life.
2) Can spend more time on God.
3) More control of my finances and can save more money.
4) Can have a lower standard of living (such as living in a studio or small house or if I do choose to live in a family house, I have more space so thus, I can have a higher standard of living. Of course, there are exceptions. I’m just writing in general.).
5) Not having to worry about courting or the mating process (Seriously, there are books and books on it. Useless knowledge.).
6) More freedom. (Kind of relates to #1, but I’ll write it as its own.)

Ok, my time is up. I need to get ready for class. But, if you do choose this track, you need not only to be dedicated, but to have some kind of countermeasure just in case your desire gets the better of you. I’m talking about godly countermeasures. Having special dates with God is a good start, but I need to be more creative.

7/8/2013: I’ve Told Myself that You are Not Enough (You Are I Am- Mercyme)

7/8/2013: I’ve Told Myself that You are Not Enough (You Are I Am- Mercyme)

S: 10:18pm
E: 11:14pm

I really do feel that nobody cares about me. No, not feel but probably see. God give me eyes too, I can see and feel what is going on. It is only when I have money, when I have influence, does people start to care about me. If it is based on who I know, if it is based on how many influential people I know aka “connections,” then I already have the most important one. His name is Jesus. If it is based on money, on riches, then I have the most important one, the Crown of Life.

The only thing I feel that I don’t have is my Eve. I wish God can do a surgery on me. Take one of my ribs and make an Eve from it. I have God, I have riches, I just don’t have a companion. What can substitute for it? What can substitute for a soulmate? I’m thinking. Many Christians will tell me it’s God, God will provide everything. And yes, God does provide everything. I can talk and spend time with God, but I feel there is a hole that being with God can’t fill. That hole requires one of God’s greatest blessings, a mate.

My church is doing a Spiritual Health Checkup but I am long aware of my condition. I try to follow God, to seek Him, but my flesh, my sinful nature, and the airwaves of Satan, greatly hinder me. I do evil instead.

I feel like I’m stuck in a loop. I need a girlfriend to continue growing, to survive, to reach my potential, but what I’m getting from this world is that to get a girlfriend, I have to first have money. But, so far, I can’t do it without a girlfriend. People may say my problem is psychological, that there is something abnormal with me. But, I don’t think so. What I want and what I need are part of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Having a soulmate will greatly satisfy my need for love and for belonging.

I tried. I can’t just pretend that I’m talking to my future mate. I can’t satisfy my need to be loved and belong by imagining that I’m talking with a girl I love. I feel that is sinful and it doesn’t do anything to change reality. Posting pictures of girls won’t work also.

I’m writing this and thinking this with my eyes closed. I feel thinking deeply and then writing helps to improve my quality, just like writing my discovery by hand first and then typing it makes my discovery better.

What is Enoch’s secret? What is the secret of godly men who remained single throughout their lives? One of the ways in which I can survive is to learn their secret.

Maybe I should have dates with God. I already sing to God sometimes. That incident on Independence Day is pretty good. Maybe I need to do something special and have much more special events with God. It’s just like a married life. Couples who don’t do things that are special a lot tend not to stay together. Maybe that’s what it means to have our “first love” with Christ. I can go on prayer hikes. I used to do them before the Army when I lived in Los Angeles. I would bike to the mountains and then walk with God. Well, by the time I reach the mountains, many times I’m already tired. :(

So this is maybe what I should do. Since I don’t have a companion yet, I will have many special events with God. I will try to invite other believers if it’s appropriate and if no one comes, then I’ll go alone. It’s being with God and doing it for God that counts. And, if, I have a girlfriend in the future, then those special events with God will be shared with her. :) But some of those special events will have to be transferred to her. Maybe that is why Paul wrote a married man will have his attention divided between his wife and his God.

I should not worry about the cost. I should not worry about how much gas it will cost or other expenses. As long as it is for the Lord, it will be worth it, if not immediately, then in the end.

When I write, I make a lot of spelling mistakes, and Microsoft Word spell-check doesn’t guesstimate them all. That is why I use the Google search engine as my new spell-check. What Microsoft Word can’t detect, Goggle can.

I could write more, but my time is running out. I need to go to sleep now. I find that I’m sleeping at atrocious times. If I was still in the Army, I would never sleep that late. Maybe I should get a night job or something. I find that I do better at night.

Good night.

11/15/2012: An Angel without Wings

11/15/2012: An Angel without Wings

{S: 9:49pm}

I told my aunt that I am like an “angel without wings.”  My abilities are limited; there is only so much I can do.

Half of my family are not doing well.  They are under stress and one in particular is under extreme stress.  I told her maybe God sent me to help her back in Kuwait when I was still in the Army and right now when I called her.

I am evil sometimes.  Sometimes I just wish I can live in a closed bubble and not worry about everything else.  Heck, I have troubles of my own.  I just want to get my social work degree and work as a social worker helping people and not worry about family matters.  But that is wrong.  God gave me my family and I need to do my best to help it.

Nothing like problems to energenize me again.

I told myself I want to find a social worker girl to marry because they always say “do you have any problems?”  And as a social worker, I will say, “do you have any problems?”  We can help each other out.  We can talk about feelings.

Sometimes I feel I am the only one left.  I feel like I am the last base in a person’s life; that all their evil forces are attacking me.  But, thank God, I will still fight.

On my bed, I would visualize a map of a person’s life.  This territory will be his/hers, this piece of land belongs to that person’s particular friend, and, this little piece over there is my territory, my embassy in that person’s life.

For my territory, a big piece of it is God, but unfortunately, I am not utilizing it to the fullest extent.  Since I am, I would think, mostly a loner, my friends and my church actually comprise a small part of my life.  But I can still grow, I can still function, because I have God.  It baffles me, sometimes, that I’m a loner because I feel I’m kind, nice, and helpful to everyone.  I just don’t share the same wavelength as most people.

But, I do need a girlfriend.  Or maybe Jello, or Jelly (a cat).  Nah, I want a future wife.  I feel, if I really tried, I can be a lady’s man, but I chose not to because I don’t want to sin against God.  I will still love God and follow Him, but I will make a double effort to find a gf.  I’m going to, from now on, ask girls who have potential some tough questions.

People don’t know my past or what I have to go though.  I fight on a different front.  They only see the outside but God can make flowers grow in the desert.

Many times, I ask God for a girlfriend, to create, “out of these stones,” a girl for me.  He can.  I told him I’ll love and worship God even more if I have a soul mate.  But, the Bible says differently.  It says that if one is married, his “interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7:34).

I know God is a jealous God.  If possible, He wants me for Himself.  And I know that is not evil because as the Creator, He wants our affection; He wants our worship.  We are created to please God and the pleasures of life, including marriage and sex, are His gifts to us.

This Sunday, I attended the Chinese sermon.  Nowadays, I try to attend every other English and Chinese sermon because, not only can I learn Chinese, but I feel I belong to both of them.  I reach a balance.

For the Chinese sermon, my pastor talked about spiritual growth and how, to grow, each of us needs to peel our own onions.  Each of us has to overcome our own thorns and faults to become like Christ.  And overcoming them is not easy.  Like peeling an onion, there are many, many layers, and the more one peels, the more one cries.  But, as Christians, we still have to do them.  Each onion that we completely peel off will be replaced by a spiritual fruit.  If we ignore those onions, they will rot and rot our life.  After the sermon, during lunch, my pastor came to me and told me not to forget to peel my onions.  I told him, in Chinese, that I have “lots and lots of onions.”

{E: 10:27pm}

10/12/2011: “Give All Your Worries and Cares to God”

10/12/2011: “Give All Your Worries and Cares to God”

S: 5:11pm
E: 5:59pm

I feel like my life is in a balance but I will be okay as long as I trust in God. Eternal life is what counts! I wrote about Egypt before during the Arab Spring revolution and I’m going to write a blog about Egypt again.

I know these things happen to Christians around the world but reading them, especially what the Egyptian Army did to peaceful Christian protesters by running them over (killing 17) and then condemning them through state media, made me angry. It hurts me. It reminds me that there are people all over the world who hate God; who hate Jesus even though He died for them. What they did to Jesus they also did to His followers.

Sometimes I wish they have a superhero, like Batman or Spiderman. They could bring justice and destroy those military personnel responsible for the violence. But no, the only superhero they and we have is Jesus and Jesus is enough. The Bible tells us that this life we are living is not everything; that the only purpose for us to live here on Earth is to do His will (Ecc. 12:13), His will that satisfies us. Again, it is eternal life that counts.

We need to pray not just for our country but mostly for Christians around the world. Pray that God can give them strength, courage, and wisdom to stand up against evil.

——————————–

If I write for others, I tend to write more poorly because I’m afraid, but, if I write only for myself, without fear of how others might think the quality of my writing or my content, then I can write well. I’m so happy that I can go to my car at night and sing and smile and pray with Him. I feel my power is getting weak but what matters is I continue to trust in God and talk to Him. It doesn’t matter what I am, it matters what He is. My times are in His hands. What matters is that I continue to ask God to change and transform me. Then, I can use more and more of my free will for Him. I feel freedom with God.

Oh and my guitar broke, but it’s okay. I don’t want to spend money trying to repair it because I’m poor right now. I’m poor because I lend money to others to keep them alive. Sometimes when I lend to people who really need help, I feel like I’m Israel. I’m the one country that dares to fight against evil. Nobody wanted to help them and without my help I don’t know what would happen to them. I hate this evil world. I hate it how people’s hearts are so selfish that they don’t help those in need. But it is God that can open people’s hearts. Generosity begins with the realization that everything we have actually belongs to God and that God will be the judge. But, I can only do so much. I cannot continue helping them and I told them my funds are limited.

Selfishly or not, I’m also trying to save money for my future. I thought about raising my cap to $10,000 and then add $500 to it every month. My money cannot go below that point. To me, $10,000 would be $0, and $5,000 would be -$5,000. I would be in debt. But, I didn’t implement that system. It’s okay because not only will God be the judge, my sergeant whom I helped came by my room today and thanked me. The Army is going to give him a full medical discharge and he will be able to pay me back in a few months. In fact, my unit moved him back in with us in the barracks. His room is down the hall near mine.

I have so many worries and I have so many cares. That’s why I brought a Precious Moment figurine that is titled “Give all your worries and cares to God.”

Ever since I destroyed that “pink angel” I got from a care package in Kuwait (I kept the face), I wanted another one to remind myself that God will take care of me; that He knows my desires and will satisfy them His way.

Couple weeks ago, I decided to go online to shop for another “pink angel.” I went to Amazon, googled “pink angel,” but, after a long time, I couldn’t find the perfect doll. Finally, I saw Precious Moments advertised in a sidebar and decided to take a look. Praise God I did! Each of the figurines is so cute and lovely. Had I discovered them earlier, I would have brought lots of them.

I spent the next hour and half browsing and admiring each precious figurine however, I could not find the “perfect one.” Finally, I came across a figurine captioned “Give All Your Worries and Cares to God.”

Although I continued browsing (I was hoping for a boy) I knew it was the one. The figurine has different meanings. Number one, it means what it really means: that I should give all my worries and cares to God. Secondly, the fact that the figurine is pink (I was big on finding a girl in pink) and a girl blowing a dandelion shows that I should give that particular concern to God. Every time I look at that figurine, I remind myself to give finding a girlfriend in God’s hands.

A man who rejects God may become super rich but still die while another man who accepts God but is poor wins because he gets eternal life.


“Money is not the only thing worth saving”

PS: That pink angel I had from Kuwait was just a plastic angel frame woven with pink linen. The face was merely a diamond-like circle. But that gift from a child meant a lot to me.

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

S: 10:07am

E: 11:43am

Yesterday, I had guard duty! I just came back from it today and tried to sleep, but, couldn’t without at least writing something about it. If I sleep, I may forget what I want to write or I may lack the desire to write it. I wrote an outline before I started writing this so I won’t forget.

The day before I had guard, I finally managed to have the guts to go back on Facebook. My close friend convinced me, in my words, to not be afraid and let God be the judge. I find that I’m so afraid of being judged. When I went on, the first thing I saw was a wall post by Auntie Linda telling me that the interview is on the air on Youtube. I immediately grew afraid because I’m afraid of being judged. In the interview, I told Auntie Linda and my mom that one of the best opportunities to share the gospel and teach the soldiers about the Bible is in guard duty. How ironic that tomorrow is my guard duty! I start to grow nervous. What if it’s the same as last time, which I was unprepared for the job but still won an inner victory. I cannot mess up this time so on the day of my guard, I went to the PX and brought lots and lots of snacks and I took an iron pill I brought from Taiwan. The reason why I’m so tired is because of my borderline iron deficiency (result from a blood test at PCC before I joined the Army). This is my chance to awaken people again! Heh. In the end, the chips gave me something to do while the iron kept me awake. I was still tired, I still slept during our resting periods, but I felt more energetic and have as much energy as my peers. My SOG told me I should start taking iron pills. I told them, besides the difficulty of finding one here, there are side effects. The main side effect is constipation. When I took one in Taiwan, I didn’t poop for a whole day. This time however, I had no problem. Hmm, strange. Praise God. Thanks to the hemoglobin, the guard shift today was relatively easier and it also went by quick, probably due to our conversations. By the time I know it, it was already afternoon. I was happy because time is going fast.

One of the main things we talked about is the girl I love. My SOG told me when we get back, he will help me find a girlfriend. I told him I already have a girlfriend. They told me that a girlfriend is by mutual consent. Both love each other. They were disgusted that I was referring her as my girlfriend. In the end, I agreed that she is not my girlfriend, but the girl I love. They asked me (my SOG knew a little about this situation because he punished me when I was late for work trying to ship a gold necklace to her) when was the last time she talked to me. I said, “um, like last January,” which is nine months ago! Between the blockings, the long ago contact, they are saying I am depriving myself of happiness and I should just drop her and find someone else. It’s not that easy. I tried to explain my promise to God of seven years, the little miracles I think God did to remind me of my promise. Still, I find myself losing on the logical front. What if God was trying to tell me to find another girl, a girl who loves God? How will I know? I can only know by prayer. I was giggling (sometimes in embrassment) and smiling the whole time I was telling the story. They could feel my emotions, but were serious about this. They asked am I still trying to contact her. I said no, the last time was in March (I realized now that I lied. The real time was closer to May?), only three months later. My NCO was worried about me. He doesn’t want me to be a stalker, to be a serial killer. No, how can I do that? It is totally against the Bible. I know she has free will (Genesis 24:5-8). She can choose whatever she wants. I told them if she has a boyfriend or is married (they asked that) I will then be free from my oath. Looking back, I felt what I said in the last sentence was wrong. My promise to God was to pray for seven years for her and if nothing happens then I would just be single and live for God. But, they wanted me to have a girlfriend, and as my last note said, I do really need one. I do need a companion who can go with me through green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death. I tried to convince them that God can find a way. All things are possible with God (Mark 10:27). But, they told me again that she has free will. Defeated, I admitted that they are right. I was being illogical. I told them I am going to do what I was going to do on my notes, that is to ask someone close to her if she has any affection for me. If not, then I will find another girl. They suggested Christian dating sites and I told them I can easily get a girlfriend. They also told me that I should have some experience first and just socialize one on one with a girl, any girl. That, to me, is wrong. Dating is preparation for marriage (thanks Ben Ku!) I can’t just be emotionally connected with a girl I’m not going to marry. Yes, I would get experience, but I would also satisfy my flesh, and I know that the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:6-8). If I satisfy my flesh, my flesh would want more. I learned this the hard way. So, that is what I will do. Maybe. I would see if she’s still thinking about me. That’s all. If not, then I’ll find somebody else.

Or, and this has come to my mind recently. How about the story of Watchman Nee and the girl he loved?

In his writings, Nee had trouble growing closer to God. He wanted the Holy Spirit, but God won’t give it to him. Through prayer, he found that Charity, his childhood sweetheart, still occupied a large place in his heart. And for a time, he just can’t surrender that room to God. Finally, when he did surrender this room to God, God poured out His spirit to him and he felt free! He felt like so light and so happy! He felt unimaginable happiness.

“By January of 1922 there was already a small gathering of the Lord’s people at ‘Tze Yuan’ [‘Tze Garden’]. I remembered one day that I was going to have to preach that very day. So I opened my Bible, trying to find a suitable subject. I happened to read Psalm 73, verse 25, which states: ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.’ Upon reading it, I confessed that I could not say these words as the psalmist had said. At the time I knew that there was something hindering the relationship between me and God. For over ten years I had had deep affections for Charity.∗ She was not saved at that time. I tried to preach the gospel to her, but she always laughed at me. We truly loved each other. I let her laugh at the Lord Jesus whom I preached. In my heart she always occupied a very large place. I had frequently asked myself if I should continue to let her occupy such a place in my heart. We all know that when a young man is in love, it is most difficult for him to lay it aside. Although with my lips I said to God that I was willing to lay her aside, in my heart I was unwilling to do so. I now read that verse in the Psalms again. I could honestly confess that I could not lay her aside. During that entire week I could not say, ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee’ The Spirit of God had put His finger on this very issue as the hindrance to my being filled with the Holy Spirit. On that particular day I still went to preach, though I did not know what I was preaching about.

“Later on, I began to reason with God. I asked Him to give me power first, and then I would lay her aside. But God never reasons with men. In my youthfulness I promised God many things: I would go to Tibet to preach the gospel; I promised Him I would do this and that; but God would not listen. His finger persistently pointed at this girl friend as my obstacle. No matter how I prayed, I could not get through. My heart was really heavy. I even begged God to change His heart. But no, He insisted on my dealing with this matter. It was as though there was a piercing of my heart with a sharp sword. God wanted me to learn a deeper lesson; otherwise I would be of no use in His hand.

“On yet another day I preached in the morning. In the afternoon I was in my room under great heaviness of heart. I told God that since I would be going back to school the next Monday I wanted Him to fill me with the love of Christ. I was now ready to lay aside my lover. The love of Christ had so constrained me that I was determined to put her aside. With this decision made I could say from my heart the words of Psalm 73.25. My inside was filled with unspeakable joy. Even though I had not ascended to the third heaven, I could say I had been to the second heaven, so happy and full of joy was I. The world now became insignificant to me. I felt as though I were floating on a cloud. On the night when I was saved, the burden of my sins had been rolled away. On this day (13 February 1922), all obstacles in my heart had been removed. Not long afterwards many people were saved” (Watchman Nee in A Short Biography of Watchman Nee)

My peers told me that I’m still very preoccupied with her. I tried to deny it, but they persisted. I admitted that, yes, I did think about her often, probably as often as every day. My peers want me to be happy. They want me to find my soulmate. But, I told them, later on, that it depends what people value. If my value is happiness, about being happy, then by all means, I would try to find a girlfriend, but, my value isn’t happiness. What people value and what I value are different. Most people value money, happiness, and fame, but I value eternal life, righteousness, and love. It’s okay if I’m unhappy. My true, eternal happiness rests with God. I don’t really get offended if people steal or take things away from me because my value is not on money. In fact, sometimes I kind of want to give these things to them, to help them and hopefully, to teach them how much God loves them. It’s not my money, but God’s. If they steal from me, God will be the judge.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:16 – Romans 12:21 (NIV)

People think I’m a pushover because of it, but no, I am simply waiting on the Lord. I try to be loving to everybody because the Bible tells me to and because I know, deep inside, it’s the right thing to do.

I feel I am now in Watchman Nee’s position. This girl I love is occupying a big place in my heart. Will I cast it down and give the room back to God? I feel it’s difficult; I feel it’s impossible, but it is for God’s glory. And, I don’t really need a companion. As long as the shepherd of my soul is with me, I will be alright. He is in full control.

Wow, the iron pill is working! It is now 11:20am and I’m still awake! Usually, I’m fast asleep by 0900.

I also played two games of “LIFE” on my peer’s computer. I watched her play for a little while and I grew interested. This game, originally a board game, is played against other players. Like monopoly, you move your piece around the board to reach the end. Unlike monopoly, you can’t buy anything. The object of the game is to get as much money as possible by getting as much “LIFE” points, high career, etc. I dislike how, in the end, your life points (experiences) is converted into money. To me, life experience is priceless, it’s wrong to put a dollar sign to it. I played the first round being me (I chose teacher, house initially so I can provide a wonderful home for the girl I love (I know, sorry) and later, a mobile home [so I can go around telling others about Jesus!], the risky life (since I want don’t want to be part of the timid souls who “know neither victory nor defeat” [Theodore Roosevelt]), etc. Needless to say, I lost (got last place too), but I had fun. The second round, I tried to win, and praise God, I got good luck. I did win. I first did the investment, then paid my debt, and played cleverly.

At the very end of our guard duty, something horrible happened that tried to mimic my last guard shift. I lost the equipment keys! I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t find it. But, after I gave up hope and went to the PX to buy new locks, my sergeant called and told me it’s found! Whew, praise God!

Throughout the guard shift and my life after coming back from Taiwan, I tried to not be afraid, but to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).

I also shared my career goals to my sergeant, which is about my desire to do part-time ministry and to be a special education teacher. He told me he can’t see me as a special ed teacher. Really? Oh well, I will still do my best.

Lastly, I talked to him about my college fears. I told him the reason why I suspended my college is not only because of my gaming addiction, although it played a critical role, but also because I was just afraid of doing my best work or not, and seeing my grades as a result. For me, I have to do my best work. I cannot just write an essay in one day in six-hours. I need to spend six one-hour days working on my essay. If I do not show my best effort in my work, I’m just afraid to submit it. After much talking, my sergeant told me the reason why is because I’m afraid of people judging me. I’m surprised at his insight. I am afraid of being judged. I’m afraid to go on Facebook often because I’m afraid of being judged. I can’t submit my sub-standard work (even if it will be late) because of being judged. Many things I thought about doing were eliminated because of my fear of being judged. I need to cast down my fears and let God be my judge.