12/21/2010: OkGod

12/21/2010: OkGod

S: 7:04pm

E: 7:42pm

I haven’t been going on Facebook again for a while now because “the wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion” (Proverbs 28:1). These past days, I was doing wicked things. I say “wicked” because I try to satisfy my desire instead of God’s. I wrote on my last discovery that it is the unseen battle, the battle between good and evil that counts. I try to focus on God, on what really matters, but I failed many times. Without God, without Jesus Inside, I am afraid of Facebook, I fear Facebook.

I have been going on OkCupid for awhile now and I would like to share with you some of my experiences. I wrote my profile as truthfully as possible and answered most “match” questions with an explanation. I added three recent pictures and a picture when I was a child. I believe everyone should at least, if they share pictures, share at least a child picture because Jesus loves children and they are close to the kingdom of God. I did a few match searches around my area and made it more specific (add Asian and speak Chinese only). The very few girls I messaged to never replied back although I could see they visited my profile. Another one of my hidden motives is I wish by writing my personal profile, I can show people an example of a godly profile. An example of truth, an example of honesty, an example of what a personal profile should be.

I decided that I should just talk to girls so I changed my location from within 25 miles of San Gabriel to “anywhere.” I scroll down using “match percentage” and then I found her. I read her profile and she seems to love God so much. She wrote she just came back from a missions trip in South-East Asia. Wow. I want to give it a try. So, with courage that comes from God, I wrote this message:

hello

Dec. 16, 2010 – 4:40pm

Hello! I would like to get to know you more because you seem like a person who loves God.

I don’t really know what to write but I will do my best. Life is all about doing your best and letting God do the rest. I recently started making an account on OkCupid because I.. really want a girlfriend and I can’t really wait. I think the right answer is to live in the spirit and do it when He tells me to. Well, if I’m single for God than great! but, unfortunately, I don’t have that gift. I tried before, but it’s causing me to sin.

I joined the military because I failed in life. Yes, that is true. I failed my college and I failed God. I was enslaved to computer games and pornography. Many times, I would cry, pray, and ask God for forgiveness, but I would just sin again. It was an awful, vicious cycle. One day, my dad (I guess he found out the truth) got really really angry at me and threatened to kick me out. I was really naive back then, and I hardly knew the world (happens when somebody locks themselves in their rooms and play games all day) so I got really scared. I was also working as a tutor teaching kids back then, but the income I get is not enough for me to live on my own. So I told him the only answer that will satisfy him. I told him I will join the Army. The very next day, I went to the recruiting office and here I am!

It is in the Army, and especially doing basic training, that I got really close to God. I wrote that besides training, I will only do four things: Pray, sing, read the Bible (esp. Psalms), and trying to sleep without getting caught. I would never have made it through basic training or army life in general with His help and it is only through God that I’m still alive.

Since you also speak Chinese, do you also listen to Chinese Christian music? Even since I joined the Army, I loved listening to Stream of Praise (讚美之泉) and Heavenly Melody (天韻). I remember my mom used to play these songs as an alarm clock when I was little. I can suggest some songs if you want.

Well, sorry for my long message, but have a good day and may God bless you!

 

Steven

7% Enemy 91% Friend 91% Match Sent to —————–

 

Yes, I wrote that. I chose to be myself. I chose to share my story. I know that ultimately, God is in control. With trepidation and excitement, I checked my inbox the next afternoon and I got a message! She wrote:

[none]

Dec. 17, 2010 – 10:46am

Hello. hm. i don’t think i’m the right person for you especially if you are looking for a girlfriend. i appreciate your honesty and i also appreciate your testimony. you might want to read the book “how to find a date worth keeping” by townsend and cloud. it’s a christian book on dating. it’s a process and wont’ happen overnight. don’t be discouraged. good luck

Partly because I don’t have much experience with people or rejection, I was shocked. I closed her message and began thinking in my mind. My pulse is starting to speed. Part of me praised the Lord for giving me the courage and strength to write this but another part of me is in pain because of the rejection. I wanted to cry, so I did, a few tears came out. I prayed, wishing I can write something back. After I gathered myself (which I think, took 30 minutes), I wrote back, trying to rely on God:

Dec. 17, 2010 – 4:22pm

Thank you for telling me the truth. I guess I’m just not good with girls. It’s hard for me to handle rejection (I want to cry), but I know that I must endure and trust in God. I will still do my best, be myself, and try to find another girl. Life is about trying and not giving up. I try all the time, I fail many times, but the most important thing is not giving up. It’s just like I try my best to follow God. I still fail, but any failure I make I ask God for forgiveness and repent, and He sees my heart.

I will take a look on that book, maybe it can help me. Thank you for your encouragement and may God be with you in your life.

I began with “thank you for telling me the truth.” I’m so happy that she actually wrote back and although it was a rejection, she decided to help me. She wrote back:

Dec. 18, 2010 – 12:58am

yeah i HIGHLY recommend the book. and also don’t tell the girl u want a gf when u first meet her. just ask her how she is doing.

dude. failure isn’t something wrong either. we all fail. if u are feeling guilty that isn’t from God- that’s from satan. God brings conviction and life. if this is causing you death. think again. u should also read hm..

bondage breaker- neil anderson about spiritual warfare b/c it seems like u are experiencing it and a lot of it. it’ll teach you how to pu on the armor of God

plug into a good church community and b honest about where you are at

Although she sounded mean (I guess in this world, good girls have to be tough to survive. Sad fact…), I was thankful. She wrote that she thinks I’m under spiritual warfare and I felt she was right. Evil spirits, Satan, can magnify our desires and I felt that is what they are doing. All this time into OkCupid, I knew what I was doing wasn’t exactly right. I need to satisfy God not my desire. I need to trust in the unseen, not the seen. I wrote back, and trying not to sound desperate (thanks to some help from my soldiers but I would very much rather be truthful):

I find that I”m fretting a lot on what to write and say. Jesus tells me not to worry about what to wear, or eat, and I remember Paul telling me not to worry about what to say. As long as I have a pure heart and follow God, I will be alright. Yes, you’re right. It’s the unseen world that counts. I am currently reading “The Invisible War” by Chip Ingram and he also tells of the unseen world, of spiritual warfare and the battle between good and evil. He also says to put on the full armor of God and that is what I need to do.

I always want to tell the truth, even from the start, because our God is the god of truth. I believe these dating books and how to act are but rules made by men. The best way is the heavenly way. But, I understand that we live in an evil world and to say certain things, even if it’s the truth, will not be profitable. This is one reason why I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. When He comes back, the government will be on his shoulders and there will be the law of love. I will still do my best to live in the spirit and be the person God wants me to be. I will also take a look at both books you recommended. I do feel I am under spiritual warfare. I think evil thoughts and I’m struggling against the desires of my flesh. I cannot satisfy myself; I need to satisfy God.

Thank you for your encouragement and may God bless you. Good bye!

While reading Chip Ingram’s “The Invisible War,” he told me to focus on God and He will take care of the rest.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

How I forgot that passage! After reading in context, I realized that God will take care of everything, I just have to trust in Him! My reasoning to go on OkCupid is to find a girlfriend so I won’t sin against God, but what is causing me to sin? It is my desires and the evil spirits is magnifying that desire because I allow it to. I realized my mistake. It’s not about what I want; it’s about what God wants. If I put on the Armor of God, I can and will overcome my desires. So right now, I am focusing back on God and not on girl (Jesus said I cannot love both God and another [Mathew 6:24]). He will provide and take care of my needs, I just have to seek Him first. I need to find God before girl. It is God who provides everything for me.

I may still log back on OkCupid (beacsue I’m weak) but now I know to seek His kingdom and His righteousness. It’s God who provides everything for me. This is embarrassing that I fell so low but praise God that He still loves me and teaches me. I make mistakes but the Lord rebukes those He loves (Rev. 3:19).

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

S: 3:13am

E: 5:13am

I was going to go back to sleep but I had a dream and a few teachings that I remembered from <i>Way of the Master</i> that I want to share. To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). I thought of something, a few inspirations, that if it gives glory to God, cannot be delayed. I wanted to sleep, but I must obey God rather than my flesh. Hmm, if Peter teaches us to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29), how much more do we need to obey God rather than our flesh?

[Note: This is kind of embarrassing, but I still need to post it truthfully because my God is the god of truth.]

I dreamed of Ben K as a youth pastor, leading the worship service. This time, he has gotten famous and is leading worship services for many different churches (in my dream, different FECA churches). I remember helping out the bulletin so Ben Ku can perform in our church (FEC-SGV). After that performance, I remember myself going into one of his worship services. He is singing Christian songs (songs we used to sing at CIA) but he looks different. He looks bearded up, like a hippie. Sorry about my description, but it’s according to my dream. I saw how he keeps talking to worldly people and how he tries to gain acceptance from them (secular, Rock & Roll crowd, etc). I felt that he is going astray as a Christian to be acceptable to the world. I decided to talk to him. I hope he still remembers me. I know he still remembers me; I was with him back in 8th grade (it’s true, and it’s in the dream). I tried to talk to him, and looking at how busy he is and with somebody from the world that keeps following and talking to him, I decided that my best bet is to ask to speak to him privately. I asked if I can speak to him outside. I was having trouble talking and getting him to agree with me because I wasn’t that important to him. He just remembers me. As I kept trying, we naturally stepped outside, which the ground is snow (I didn’t feel cold and it wasn’t snowing; I’m just writing what I know for sure in the dream). I found myself outside in the snow, behind a pickup truck (I only remember the back open trunk, not the truck itself). There was initially two people on the truck. One got off (a girl, I think, and both Asian) leaving Deborah S on the truck. I said, “Deborah, please stay with me.” I needed her help just in case. I told Ben K how he wasn’t the youth pastor he used to be (a person who follows and loves God) and how he needs to be “Asian” again. He is still wildly popular to all Asians (don’t ask, it’s my dream). Then, from inspiration, something told me to pick up a chuck of snow and try to use it to play with him. I picked up a chuck of snowy ice and half threw at his snow boots (they look strangely like my Army boots). I want him to remember his past. Seeing the snow reminds me of the Alpine retreat camp, a retreat which I have strong memories on. Something awakened inside him and he bent down, made a snowball, and threw it at someone. I thought it was going to miss, but it hit someone (a young girl, someone I knew back then, from church). Everybody in the dream were people I knew, but when they were in middle school. I thought she might react to the hit, but she just ignores it and continued to run. I had a feeling that I succeed in my mission and I woke up.

While waking up, I thought about Gabriel M’s status update that said, “There is a God, but he won’t wipe your butt for you (something like that)”. My mind gave me counter-arguments but mostly to challenge atheists and to convince them that there is a God. Basically, my argument to atheists that there is a God is this:

If you look at the evidence on both sides (God vs. no God), the evidence shows that there is a God. All you need is something that is supernatural to believe that there is a God; do you really think this whole world is made by chance? Where does matter come from? How can a variety of matter exist out of nothingness?

My God, the living God, is a God who made me and knows me; He knows my name.

Psalms 139:1  O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

When he made me, he knows that we need a Savior to save us from death.

And also, people who like to attack others; to bring other’s down, will not succeed for it is God who humbles and exalts:

1 Samuel 2:7  The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts.

8  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. “For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; upon them he has set the world.

For people who attack others by saying that they are nothing, they are right! The Bible says we are nothing. We are the clay, he is the potter. We need him to make us into something, a holy instrument used by the Lord (2 Timothy 2:21). We all are nothing, we all are weak, we all need God.

Let’s use the example of David and Goliath. How many people, before the actual battle think David will win? Not much. How many people think Goliath will win? Probably most. Yet, it is the person the world thinks will lose that wins.

Isaiah 40:28  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

29  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

30  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 Corinthians 1:27  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

So when people attack me by saying that I’m nothing, they are right. I am nothing, but it is God who can make something out of nothing.

One of my pet peeves is people who attack the person (their weaknesses, faults, deficiencies) rather than helping the person build him/her up or to find ways to improve areas of weaknesses. They are the ones who attack the builders rather than the building. They attack, criticize, judge with the intention of demoralizing their victims.

James 3:8  but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.

10  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

Psalms 140:1  Rescue me, O LORD, from evil men; protect me from men of violence,

2  who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day.

3  They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Selah

4  Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.

Back to Jerusalem, a Chinese Christian organization built by multiple house churches in China, plans to sent 100,000 missionaries in the countries between Jerusalem and Beijing. The second they unveiled their plans to the world, criticism followed. Critics attack the plan, the organization, anything to prevent, what they think won’t happen, from happening.

Acts 5:38  Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.

39  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

In their article “Dealing with Criticism- Lessons for Serving God” BTJ started the article with:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The

credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred

by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes

short again and again; because there is not effort without error and

shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the

great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause,

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who

at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place

shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor

defeat.”

– Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), 26th President of the United States

www.backtojerusalem.com

The article wrote that Noah, Moses, David, Nehemiah, most OT prophets, and many others were the targets of criticism. Some people try to make their opinions become reality by attacking the individual hoping that, in the end, does become reality. But, praise God, I know that my God is strong and that my God is loving.

Psalms 62:11  One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12  and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Some people make a living by attacking people. Others make a living by helping people. Some people are good. Some people are evil. Which side will you be on?

If this blog doesn’t offend you, then you have nothing to worry about. This blog will only offend those who deserve to be offended. May it give strength to the weak but a sword to those who destroys.

————————————

Now a change of subject.

I find that girls in Taiwan are so beautiful. Nowhere else in the world can I find girls as beautiful as those in Taiwan. It seems every girl I see is pretty and cute. But, I cannot chase them nor will I allow my eyes to cause me to sin (despite the fact that I tried, I still lusted with my eyes and thus, sinned). I told my mom that I won’t chase any girl (even though I really, really! want to) because there is another girl I promised God to. It’s so painful, almost like torture. When my relatives asks me if I have a girlfriend (their intension is for me to get a girl in Taiwan), I told them yes (hesitantly). I cannot love another. I told my mom that after my seven years, I will just give my life to God.

Beautiful girls, all over the world / oh I could be chasin’ but my life would be wastin’ / I need to follow God, baby / I need to follow God, baby.

Haha.

Oh, I almost forgot. I remember one time when James and me went into our church’s conference room at the office. On the conference table, I remember seeing a marker that reads: “Are you focusing on the problem or the solution?” James and I laughed but the problem of destructive criticism is real.

10/18/09

10/18/09

S: 7:35pm
E: 7:45pm

Wow, praise God that I can finally listen to the songs of my youth. I’m so happy that I can listen to the “Land of Dreams.” It’s a mircule that I can even obtain them. And a mircule that one of my Christian brothers can upload one of the epsoides. I’m happy. I’m very thankful. Military life is hard, many times, I feel I am barely surviving, but I just trust in God. God is all I need. In relay, it isn’t as easy as I thought. “Easy” is replaced by duties and details. But thinking, planning, wondering, worrying, is “easy” because I have God. I use his Word to make decisions. I don’t have to think so much anymore because the battle belongs to the Lord. Heh, having my laptop with me makes writing about myself a lot easier. I think faster than I write, and I sometimes think faster than I type. It used to be the other way around though. It’s a good sign though, more of God and less of me.

Today, Gao called me from church. He is wondering why I didn’t go. With difficulty, I told him that I have field. He also transferred the phone to a 26 year-old girl. He told me she is very beautiful, lovely, etc. Sigh! Why?! I didn’t follow God to get a wife, but to get him. But, if these wonderful things should come on the way to the cross, then I will gladly accept it, because it is a gift from God. I talked to her, she seems friendly and interested. I am not good with girls, I never had a girl I can call my girlfriend. I tried though, but I can’t. I can’t find a way, but God can find a way. I’m just going to trust and obey God and follow his Word. Lord, help me to follow you and worship you. The field will just get harder and more painful as time goes on, but I will continue to rely on the Lord’s faithfullness. Jesus loves me and only he can save me.

9/8/09

9/8/09

S: 4:33am
E:

I woke up early to write about my life. I feel I need to write it edown or I will forget it.

I feel so alone, so isolated. The girls I love, my dreams, my goals, they all seem so hard, impossible, to attain. I don’t want to live anymore. All I see in my road of life is suffering, pain, shame, dishonor, curses, hatred, loniness, wasted oppertunites (because I no longer have the power to take advantage of it), anger, etc. Of course I love my church. I want to reconnect with them, but, they don’t want me, they don’t need me. Of course God doesn’t need any of us, but I don’t feel loved by my church. My heart is in pain. My soul cries. I really want to love my church, the church of my youth, but they are not willing.

I’m never going to find a wife in my church. They all seem so seculer. They use God instead of giving him glory. Their music, taste, movies, almost everything, reflects a secular lifestyle. And Dorcas? She is not the godly person I envisioned her to be. In fact, let me look at her profile…. The first thing I see is her daily horoscope. All her personal information does not reflect the Lord. I cannot tell if she is a Christian just by looking at her info. And.. she hid her reglious status. She doesn’t even claim to be a Christian. Of course, she might just be hiding this from me, but why would she? Her favorite quotations are not from the Bible, none of them are. The first one is “go die!” Wow…. I hate being a stalker, but I need to see the truth.

Ok, go to Endora —. She already has a boyfriend, so I will not even consider her anymore.

While I’m waiting… I want to say that I love all of them. Hopefully everyone from church even through they don’t really like me. Many of their values don’t reflect God. In fact, I can’t tell if they are Christian unless they say so.

Ok, back to Endora. I’m happier for her. I know her mom is a grat women of God. And she is clearly influenced by her. Praise God! :) Her description says “Jesus, I’m kneeling at your feet. Life is knocking me down. Come and fill me up.” I’m happy for her. Happy that she still loves the Lord. Her infomation more closely reflects God, but still.. it is littered with dramas and secularism. Still, I’m happy for her. She loves “Christian and fob songs.” And her info mentions Jesus. I’m happy for her.

This is her about me:

I love to sing. I’m pretty short. I can be loud but also really shy at times. I love GOD. I love kids. Taiwan is the best place in the world. I don’t like green onions and I live for Jesus. :]

~The biggest lesson I’ve learned in this life is to forgive those who judge you the most because those who judge you the most, are only afraid to be judged. WWJD?~

She loves the Lord. Amen.

If she is still avaliable, I would have hit her…. She is still so beautiful to me. Of course I love everyone, but I still love her….

Ok, I’m done updating my facebook again. She made me state my political views. And now I know she might be Taiwanese. Heh, not that it’s a good thing….

You know what, let me also see Emily –‘s profile….

Her’s is also more Christian. Her status states: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Amen. Praise the Lord.

About Me:
I’m really boring and I honestly love watching tv and sleeping.

That just isn’t fair…. I’m really boring too, but she has so many friends (496). I need to go now. SGM. Just a false alarm. Whew. Why do people do these things? That’s just like lying.

Ok, now let me see Jonathan —-‘s profile. I remember him as a friend back when I was young.

His profile also has God in it. That’s good, praise God. He enjoys making people smile. Heh, I enjoy helping others. That’s good.

About Me:
Entertaining people makes me smile. To see people happy, laughing, and having fun makes my day. To see the opposite makes me depressed.

When I grow up, I want to be an actor and a high school teacher.

Cooking is something I have the capability of doing.

The first impression people have of me is either “weird”, “freaky”, or “scary”.

One of my goals in life is to be as good of a friend to someone as they will let me be.

I have made a bunch of mistakes, all of which I truly regret.

People find me a lot less mysterious that I actually am.

A skill of expertise that I have is creating illusions of myself.

Ok, I’m thinking about packing up for this discovery. I’m tired and need rest.

Oh, before I forget, let me check Carrian —‘s profile.

Never mind, no time. I was partially right. The 1SG is coming. Better pack up.

Lord, I am kneeling at your feet. Come fill me up.

It’s not about me, its about God.

Help me Lord, keep me alive.

9-27-04?

{written diary}

9-27-04?

P {problem}: loner, bored, no one to talk to.  Feeling that no one loves me or cares about me.

S {solution}: Well, it is very painful.  I used to say to myself that I can’t take any pain.  The problem is that I can.  I can take the pain of lonelyess.  The pain of no one to love me.  The pain of hopenessless.  This pain is very painful, but I’m taking it everyday.  I can’t really trust people anymore.  I dream of being in a cool meadow with the sun shining down on my cheeks.  The air is cool and fresh.  A slight wind is blowing on my cheeks.  This wonderful feeling.  Me standing on green grass and beautiful flowers.  The dewdrops still on the flowers.  And I smell the red tulip.  It truely smelled like summers coming.  And in addition, the girl of my dreams, whos perfect for me is right beside me, holding her hands with me, loving me.  She satisfy me.  Her beautiful face and long hair flowing like the wind.  Such a wonderful feelings.  And then she and me ran together.  Like the wind itself, flying with me.  I am feeling pain right now.  I’m feeling lots of pain right now.  I want to disappear right now.  I want to give up right now.  I want ppl to ignore me right now.  I want to die right now.