Today I want, I mean I need to write my lab notebook but in order to do so, I need to get some personal thoughts out of the way.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I feel so alone, so unloved. I need more social; I found that out. Playing games is actually a desire to be with people. If I can be with people, if my social is satisified, then I wouldn’t play any games. Mostly. My mind is a bit dizzy right now and I feel sad and angry at the same time. Part of me wants to play games again because at least in those games, I can chat with people. I can work with members from my guild. I find that I’m playing games more for the social aspect.
People may think I’m like an angel, that I follow God all the time. Well, I don’t. In fact, judging the past few weeks, I follow my flesh more than I follow God. Are people going to blame me; Are people going to judging me? Well, fuck you then. We all mess up and being in near isolation is painful.
I’m glad I get to hang out with my youth group. I was actually very close to not going because, due to my loniness, I feel that no one loves me and I was going to say to them all “fuck you.” One of the X-Files theme is to “Trust No One,” and I feel that it is true. I know this is like a “We are not who we are…” post but I am just trying to be honest with myself.
That is what I’m trying to do with Facebook but it’s so hard because I’m afraid that my many “friends” would read me and judge me. I can’t even be myself; that is painful. Well, I could be myself, if I decide to go suicidal but I’m not at that point yet :). Well, mostly.
I am like a person who tries in life but still fail. Others try and succeed. Why is it that others succeed when I fail. We both tried. If this was natural selection, I should have killed myself. My life is useless and pointless. Being in the Army proves that. I suck; I can’t do shit. When I was in basic training, I had to have a baby-sitter next to me. I was like Gomer Pyle only with one difference: I also have God. It is God who carried me through. But why should I continue to live? Why should I prolong my suffering, my shame?
I was this close to saying “fuck you I’m not going to see [the youths] again and I’m not coming to church again.] I cannot trust people. Nobody loves me. I tried but still, I failed. I might as well live my pitiful existence with God alone. He’s the only One I can trust.
By helping Danny, I find that I am just like Danny. And that is why I can and want to help him.
Our youth group played “Mafia” during our reunion. What is not so funny is I almost played Mafia in real life. Anna and I thought about this game and together we implemented it. She would have to shoot me :p. But I remember that arm-wrestle I had and how Brother Lawton came and made Anna win. Why did he help her? Her left hand is stronger than mine. So I know that I will not win. God will be the judge.
The children’s series of Stream of Praise (讚美之泉) steadied my heart a little bit. I love their songs. One way that can fill some of my social hole is to sing-along with Christian songs and that is what I am doing nearly every night. I close my eyes and pretend I am singing these songs to God. I let the holy music flow through me. Sometime I imagine that I am really there at the concert and we are singing this together. Singing these songs can substitute some of my social isolation, but not all of it; Only the real thing can fill it.
Ok bitch, some of the social isolation is my fault but I couldn’t help it. I thought playing games can satisfy my loneness. I thought I am a special case and I don’t need people. But I did make many attempts to be with people and, to me, that is a big step.
I guess writing this helped me to feel better and once I publish it, I will feel more better because people can read it and see how I feel.
One thing I want to praise God about is getting in my classes. I went to UTEP yesterday because it is the first day of class. Mi primero clase es biologia laboatorio. Esto una credito clase. Vengo mi clase pero mi clase es mañana! Pero, mi profesor decirme a quedarse. Ok, back to English. My Spanish still needs practice. I’m done with Spanish 1301 (first-year) and I got a good grade but only because I was helped. The tests are open-book. If I submit an online assignment three time in a row, it will give me the answers. So I spent some time reviewing, actually more learning, from my old Spanish book. This summer, I’m taking Spanish 1302. Anyways, back to the story. I came to my Biology lab class but I realized that I came to the wrong class! The professor told me to stay and he’ll give me credit for my Tuesday Thursday class. So I’m happy.
After my Biology class, is my Spanish class, which is every day. However, I found that the class was cancelled because not enough students signed up. I went to student registrations and, praise God, I was able to find another Spanish 1302 class and another Biology class. I thought since summer already started that there will be no openings but there was. If I wasn’t able to find those classes, I would have been dropped from the Social Work Program.
Ok, I want to do other things now, maybe play some games :(, but I do feel better writing my feelings down.