11/4/2016, 11/6/2016

11/4/2016

9:30pm –

Opening (Songs: All I ask- Meredith Andrews, Constant- Holly Starr:

God, today is another close call. But, I want to worship You today, to show You that I love You more than satisfying my desires. Even if my desires are debatable and not wrong, God, I still want to seek You. You know, when I don’t know what to do, I will worship and seek You. God, I love You more. I know I made mistakes; I know I messed up, everday, but, You.

Lord, only You can give me what I want. If I want any of these things, God, the best way is simply to seek and to ask You, just like Solomon. I don’t need to play games, I don’t need to pressure myself. You are my constant.

Even if my desires are not wrong, I still want to seek You because I love You.

 

11/6/2016: My Date with God

10:37pm – 11:04pm

[Note: Not every day or everything will be transcribed because transcribing may distract me from seeking God.]

Father, [my times are short] so I better make this count. If I have to transcribe, O God, then I will write this: Help me to know that You are God. Release the scales from my eyes. Surely, what You have done, about life, there is a God, and it is a God who loves life.

 

 

 

 

6/11/2013

6/11/2013

S: 5:28pm
E: 6:26pm

Today I want, I mean I need to write my lab notebook but in order to do so, I need to get some personal thoughts out of the way.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I feel so alone, so unloved. I need more social; I found that out. Playing games is actually a desire to be with people. If I can be with people, if my social is satisified, then I wouldn’t play any games. Mostly. My mind is a bit dizzy right now and I feel sad and angry at the same time. Part of me wants to play games again because at least in those games, I can chat with people. I can work with members from my guild. I find that I’m playing games more for the social aspect.

People may think I’m like an angel, that I follow God all the time. Well, I don’t. In fact, judging the past few weeks, I follow my flesh more than I follow God. Are people going to blame me; Are people going to judging me? Well, fuck you then. We all mess up and being in near isolation is painful.

I’m glad I get to hang out with my youth group. I was actually very close to not going because, due to my loniness, I feel that no one loves me and I was going to say to them all “fuck you.” One of the X-Files theme is to “Trust No One,” and I feel that it is true. I know this is like a “We are not who we are…” post but I am just trying to be honest with myself.

That is what I’m trying to do with Facebook but it’s so hard because I’m afraid that my many “friends” would read me and judge me. I can’t even be myself; that is painful. Well, I could be myself, if I decide to go suicidal but I’m not at that point yet :). Well, mostly.

I am like a person who tries in life but still fail. Others try and succeed. Why is it that others succeed when I fail. We both tried. If this was natural selection, I should have killed myself. My life is useless and pointless. Being in the Army proves that. I suck; I can’t do shit. When I was in basic training, I had to have a baby-sitter next to me. I was like Gomer Pyle only with one difference: I also have God. It is God who carried me through. But why should I continue to live? Why should I prolong my suffering, my shame?

I was this close to saying “fuck you I’m not going to see [the youths] again and I’m not coming to church again.] I cannot trust people. Nobody loves me. I tried but still, I failed. I might as well live my pitiful existence with God alone. He’s the only One I can trust.

By helping Danny, I find that I am just like Danny. And that is why I can and want to help him.

Our youth group played “Mafia” during our reunion. What is not so funny is I almost played Mafia in real life. Anna and I thought about this game and together we implemented it. She would have to shoot me :p. But I remember that arm-wrestle I had and how Brother Lawton came and made Anna win. Why did he help her? Her left hand is stronger than mine. So I know that I will not win. God will be the judge.

The children’s series of Stream of Praise (讚美之泉) steadied my heart a little bit. I love their songs. One way that can fill some of my social hole is to sing-along with Christian songs and that is what I am doing nearly every night. I close my eyes and pretend I am singing these songs to God. I let the holy music flow through me. Sometime I imagine that I am really there at the concert and we are singing this together. Singing these songs can substitute some of my social isolation, but not all of it; Only the real thing can fill it.

Ok bitch, some of the social isolation is my fault but I couldn’t help it. I thought playing games can satisfy my loneness. I thought I am a special case and I don’t need people. But I did make many attempts to be with people and, to me, that is a big step.

I guess writing this helped me to feel better and once I publish it, I will feel more better because people can read it and see how I feel.

One thing I want to praise God about is getting in my classes. I went to UTEP yesterday because it is the first day of class. Mi primero clase es biologia laboatorio. Esto una credito clase. Vengo mi clase pero mi clase es mañana! Pero, mi profesor decirme a quedarse. Ok, back to English. My Spanish still needs practice. I’m done with Spanish 1301 (first-year) and I got a good grade but only because I was helped. The tests are open-book. If I submit an online assignment three time in a row, it will give me the answers. So I spent some time reviewing, actually more learning, from my old Spanish book. This summer, I’m taking Spanish 1302. Anyways, back to the story. I came to my Biology lab class but I realized that I came to the wrong class! The professor told me to stay and he’ll give me credit for my Tuesday Thursday class. So I’m happy.

After my Biology class, is my Spanish class, which is every day. However, I found that the class was cancelled because not enough students signed up. I went to student registrations and, praise God, I was able to find another Spanish 1302 class and another Biology class. I thought since summer already started that there will be no openings but there was. If I wasn’t able to find those classes, I would have been dropped from the Social Work Program.

Ok, I want to do other things now, maybe play some games :(, but I do feel better writing my feelings down.

9/9/2012: My game crashes..

9/9/2012: My game crashes..

{S: 8:30pm} There is a game that I really love to play.  It is a dungeon-crawler RPG game.  Because I love God, I choose my character as a paladin.  In the beginning, I did well: I leveled up and acquired lots of stuff.  However, as I kept playing and spent more and more time on the game, the game started crashing on me.  Many times, I would forget to save my game so I would lose my progress.  When this occurred, I would get upset, but then, I would realize that God is punishing me.  Why do I spend my time on this game?  Sure, I may be choosing a paladin so I can play for God but he knows my true intent.  I wanted to play because of my sinful desires and I just chose to play as a paladin as a lame excuse to appease my guilt.  The more I play, the more it crashes and the more I realize that maybe God is trying to tell me something.  Every time it crashes, I would learn a spiritual lesson, that the gold I earned, the treasures I gained, and the experience I won are meaningless; they are just a chasing after the wind (Ecc. 2:11).  I learned that a man can bring nothing with him when he dies (Psalms 49:17).  Another time, when my game crashed on a particularly good day I told myself, “What does a man gain if he gains the whole world yet forfeits his soul?” (Mark 8:36), and then I would repent.  Again, I find it mysterious that the game only crashes now and not before, when I just starting playing.  All the work I put into it, all the effort I spent in that session were erased.  But praise God, I’m glad my game crashes a lot.  It made me realize what is more important and that is to spend time, not on a fantasy game supposedly for God, but with God himself.

Despite my game-playing, I still am able to stay on top of my assignments.  I know my abilities all come from God.  Thank you Lord for making this game crash so much to teach me that time spent with you is time well spent and it won’t crash. {8:56pm}

PS: The same thing happened with my other strategy game after I played for awhile only that I spent like an hour troubleshooting that game so it won’t happen again.  Again, I feel it is God telling me, “Steven, enough!  You need to focus on what’s more important.”

12/30/2010: My Redeemer Lives

12/30/2010: My Redeemer Lives

S: 5:29pm

E: 5:43pm

Today, while writing this, I again feel tired, but today reminded me again of my weaknesses. No, not my stuttering, or inability to understand, but my laziness.

I realize that I am so weak, that I need to always rely on God and do things with the right intentions to be strong. Now is a perfect opportunity to help others, both the pastor and my cousin, but I found myself slacking. I thought to myself Don’t worry, you have plenty of time, you can always wait until tomorrow. No! If I wait, even a bit, that will just mean more hardships for people. God is blessing me to help others, why am I slow? I prefer to sit in front of my laptop, and play a variant of Axis and Allies than to get my lazy butt and mind off my seat and do what’s right, which is to write a check. For me, the hard part is not really dreaming or thinking, but doing.

What made me write this is because one of my battle buddy, V, rudely nudged me and told me to come to their softball game. Our battery has a softball team and after some practices, they are now playing their first game! I was thinking about joining. Of course, I probably won’t be able to play in the actual games, since I’m not very talented in sports, but at least I can train with them in their practices. But, the hours are long and I love my sleep, so I decided against it.

Instead of doing what’s important, such as writing letters, checks, doing my laundry, praising God, and yes, getting some rest, my soul won over my spirit and I decided to play that WW2 game. It’s so alluring, so fun, so challenging, but my intentions are wrong. I’m playing that game to satisfy myself instead of satisfying God. And God wants me to worship Him, to pray, and to help others.

Well, now that I woke up from my spell, I will chose to live a righteous live, to do the right thing. But, I woke up too late. There are many times when I woke up from my sin and lust only to find that I have precious little time left. Following God is not easy, but I must not give up the fight. Jesus has already won the war, if I do my best to love God and follow Him, I will win too.

My Redeemer Lives by Stream of Praise (讚美之泉)

我知道我的救贖者活著,他是永活的主,

當我在深谷迷失時,祂領我走正義路。

 

我知道我的救贖者活著,他是永活的主,

當我在曠野孤獨時,祂伴我作我的燈。

 

我知道我的救贖者永遠活著,我必不再憂慮,

我要在每一個日夜中,領受祂的豐盛之愛。

 

我知道我的救贖者永遠活著,我靈不再沉睡,

當號角響起的那一天,我將見祂榮光之面,

我的救贖者永遠活著!

My Redeemer Lives

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

12/13/2010: Precious Corner

S: 8:03am

E: 8:58am

While reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I had it in my heart to sing Precious Corner several times. I felt, of the four children, I am most similar to Lucy and Edmund. Edmund messed up; he made mistakes, just like me. He always bothers and annoys other people, especially Lucy, and he even had the audacity to lie about the world he and Lucy been to. He became easily deceived by the smooth words of the White Witch and became addicted to her Turkish Delights, not knowing that the food she gave to him was enchanted which made Edmund want to eat and eat and never be satisfied. I was also deceived by the things of this world, the easy sins I can reach by computer, and being addicted to computer games. And it’s enchanted too: I can never play enough to reach satisfaction. The things of this world can never satisfy. Edmund became jealous and angry at his three siblings because he felt rejected, alone, and belittled. I felt angry at my friends and people, too. I stopped going to church in 9th grade for the same reasons Edmund had. And in my entire life, I never had many friends. I think people are mean, messed up, and evil but instead of loving them as God said, I went the other way, to my Witch castle and became enslaved by games and pornography. Once there, I suffered terribly, just as Edmund had to suffer. He never had his Christmas presents, just as I didn’t have many blessings because of my sins. I had to suffer in the Army, to go with the witch under freezing cold and forced marches. Little do I know that it was then, being bonded, that Jesus (Aslan) came and saved me and to appease the Deep Magic, which states that all traitors belong to the witch, Jesus took my place and died for me. I listened to the Stream of Praise song “Precious Corner” many times, singing and dancing, because God made me precious. I should have died, but Jesus died for me. In the end, Edmund fought for Aslan and did great things. He became King Edmund the Just because he learned the lessons of his evil ways and became wise. He was great in administering justice and giving counsel, skills that I’m starting to be good at, too.

Because God has made my life precious by saving me, it has always been in my mind to design a Precious Corner T-shirt for myself. I already have the designs in my mind and I can’t wait to start implementing it.

I feel I am like Lucy too. I tend to be innocent and inexperienced in this world. I tend to trust people and I get hurt if they betray me. I am soft and sensitive. I am also impulsive and tend to have a simple “Trust in God” approach in life. And one way God answers me is by giving me miracles.

The old Edmund is what my life used to be while the new Edmund is what I am going to be. Lucy is my personality, my outlook in life.

This is the part I left out from my last discovery. I had so much to write that I forgot this whole part. I need to love God and follow Him because He made my life precious. I’m precious because I’m precious to Him.

你有最珍貴的角落

 

謝謝你燦爛笑容

照亮我的天空

謝謝你分享心情

把我放在你心中

夜裡有時為寒冷

你我生根同暖土

友情是最亮的星

我的生命從此美麗

 

當你被花朵包圍盡情歡欣

我帶春風使你舞其中

當你正走在坎坷路

我會伴你在左右

一起向藍天歡呼

向白雲招手

我們要一起笑一起哭

千萬人中有個人懂我

你有最珍貴的角落

 

1/31/2010

1/31/2010

 

I was going to skip today’s entry but then I remembered I fell to a temptation.

The day started off good. I was planning to go to church but the person who might carpool me didn’t call. I was going to bring a few of the children books to them. Oh well, I’ll wait until next week. If all else fails, I’m just going to do a ruck march with all my children books in my rucksack to church. I have a burden to share the gospel lol.

I’m actually pretty happy that I didn’t go to church. I can worship God anywhere and spend time working uploading storybooks and music videos. I’m afraid someday, the copyright thing might catch up to me, but I will still trust in God.

When afternoon came, I felt bored. Nothing I seem to do can alleviate my fleshly desire to have some fun. In the end, I spent one hour playing flash games on the internet. It may seem okay, just one hour, but to me, that was a defeat. I forgot. I should have sang for one hour instead. Following God and doing his will is still and probably will always be a daily struggle for me, thanks to my flesh.

I find that I need to suffer for God. Suffering draws me closer to God. If I relax myself too much, I’m more prone to sin and temptation.