4/2/9/2013: The End of America: Two Approaches of Surviving the End Times

4/2/9/2013: The End of America: Two Approaches of Surviving the End Times (incomplete)

S: 12:01am
E: 12:57am

A good way to prepare writing something is to walk around and talk it over or talk to yourself about your thoughts and what you want to write.

Today I want to write about the inevitable end of America. Yes, from my research, I find that the American economy will collapse due to many reasons. I don’t have the time or the desire to explain why America as we know it will be changed. If you want more information, check the news and do the research. Challenge your beliefs and read articles you will disagree with. But, I’ll give one reason. The US has a huge amount of debt and it is likely, if current policies do not change, that it will go higher and, pretty soon, the country will not be able to pay even the interest payments. The government’s solution so far is to print more money but that is self-defeating. Pretty soon, other countries will see the true picture of America and it will no longer be considered a safe haven of investment. America will lose its status as the world’s reserve currency and all hell will break loose.

[insert US debt graph]
Graph that shows total US debt.

Some helpful links:

[US debt clock]
[A youtube video that you watched “The End of America”
[Atlantic Article and/or CFR article on economy]
[12 hours after US econcomy breaks YouTube video]

Because it is late, my next article will be on how to survive when Armageddon comes to America, but for this article, I will share two approaches of how I should live in the end times.

1. The Street Preacher Approach
[Picture of the Street Preacher (Use LOD pastor picture?)]

I developed this approach when I was still in the US Army. Back then times are tough and life is hard. I figured that if the world is going to end I might as well fulfill the Great Commission and be like a street preacher. Instead of being on the streets looting and raping, I will be preaching and holding my Bible out. They can take anything I have, including my Bible; actually it would be nice if they take my Bible (I should memorize the Scriptures by then). It will be a good idea if I can pass out Bibles like the Gideon’s when hell comes. If I live, I live for God; if I die, I die for God. I already know that I have my promises in heaven. “My soul belongs to God I know / I made that vow a-long ago.”

2. The Survivalist Approach
[picture of house on solid rock]

The second approach is more conventional. I will prepare for the end times. I will go more in detail with how to prepare based on my research and what I call the “Steven think-tank” haha. I will be like the wise virgins who brought the oil and were able to enter the building of safety than the ones that don’t.

Before these times come, I will make it my mission to pray, not for world peace or economic stability because the end will come as prophesied by the Bible, but for as many people as possible to come to Christ and for people to know more about God before that day comes. Because when the end comes, those who are invited to the banquet will not be able to come in. Like in Noah’s Ark, what God has shut, man cannot open. Therefore, we need to watch and pray and look at the signs of the times.

Jesus is Lord.

1/18/2011: Soviet Union

1/18/2011: My Hearts of Iron / Soviet Union

S: 8:55pm

E: 9:38pm

The day after I posted my “The God Card” journal entry, I went under intense spiritual attack. Temptations overwhelmed me and I felt so discouraged that I stopped trying to follow God. I barely did my basic routines and skipped meals. I slept much later than usual (due to games) so I had headaches and I always felt tired. I hate myself I thought. I am so weak. I thought if I fail to follow God, then I may  as well give up. But I don’t want to give up, so my soul deceived me into thinking I can be like the Soviet Union: big, powerful with God, but isolated (I was playing A LOT of Hearts of Iron II). I grew angry at everyone, including my church and myself. I so want, in my sinful state, to carry out my version of retribution, but I always remembered to let God be the Judge.

Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

So I started asking God to judge my church for not loving me. But, I failed too. I feel I really tried, in my current state, to try to love and connect with people. I am still able to love, praise God, because love comes from God, but connect? No. I failed to connect with people and people failed to connect with me. My church failed to connect with me, despite my efforts. And this realization made me very angry. I hate this weakness. I am always very nice and friendly to people, but I cannot grow in them. In the case of my military friends, this is true. I’m nice to everybody and everybody is nice to me. I can happily say that I have no enemies or anything close to that sort (actually, there may be one, but I still try to be nice and loving to him), but friends that I can really connect with and share with? Probably one, but although we talk a lot and know each other, we almost only talk at work. So, although I am nice and friendly to people and I try to love and help people, I can’t really connect with them. I think that is one of my life’s weaknesses. I can say that they are in the military and their beliefs about God and their devotion is different, but I just feel that I don’t want so many social interactions. Well, maybe, but I feel, now, if there is a devoted church group, I would love to interact. A friend who loves God makes the friendship so much better.

This morning at work, I felt dizzy and very tired. Praise God that we didn’t have to do PT. Praise God that I practically got the day off. But, today is a wasted day because I felt hopeless about my situation (about falling to temptations the day before) and felt not loved by my church and feeling angry about it.

Trying to think of a last meaningful action to do before I sleep (since I wasted the whole day today playing games), I opened my ring today, the ring with the inscription: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” I was going to make the event grand, but the spiritual high never came. I should not look for spiritual highs. I should not look for perfect moments. I just need to do Christ’s best to love Him and the “high” will come naturally or when God wills it.

I reinstalled and uninstalled Hearts of Iron II multiple times because I want to rededicate myself to God but then, when the desire comes (and desire gives birth to sin), I would reinstall it. This time, I wanted to reinstall the game so I can play it as the Soviet Union (Nationalist China would be second followed by Poland), the nation I felt best represents me (spiritually, of course). I feel I’m big and powerful with God (only in relative terms) because I love Him and earnestly tried to seek Him but I hardly have any spiritual support (friends). And look at the Soviet Union. After fighting on the good side (the Allies), she became the next evil empire. I need to learn that lesson and to continue to love people. I am currently making a WW2 spiritual nation test (3 weeks in the making) about what country in WW2 best represents you? I have the calculations and questions tentatively done but I’m still working on the results. It’s hard to write a masterful result for each nation (I have to use my intuition) so I’m taking it bit by bit. My result:

You got: Soviet Union

After signing the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact with Germany and obtaining the eastern half of Poland, Germany broke the non-aggression treaty and invaded the Soviet Union. At first, things went horrible for the Soviets. Battle after battles were lost and vast areas of land was conquered. Despite massive defeats and huge casualties, the Russians fought on. They endured extreme odds, suffering, lack of equipment, and tactical mistakes. The tide turned when the Russian Winter came and Soviet industrial might (about equal to the US) began to show. Soviet generals learned from their mistakes and gradually pushed and defeated Germany.

Application:

Life is hard. You are constantly attacked by the forces of darkness, but do not give up. You are big because God made you big. He made you big because you love God. Continue to fight, endure, and the Russian Winter of hope will come and you will be victorious. The one who lives in you is greater than the one who lives in the world (1 John 4:4). However, be careful and on guard. Since you have few friends, the spiritual enemy may attack you unexpectedly, just as Germany surprised Russia. You need to find more friends to help you grow spiritually, or else, you may become less loving to people, lose the truth, and turn into an “Evil Empire” just like the Soviet Union did after the war.

I’m excited and can’t wait to publish my test.

You got Poland!

On the onset of World War 2, Poland was improving as a nation. Living standards are higher and the economy is improving. Their military, however, lagged behind. They have little to fight against German armor and most of their weapons are obsolete. Furthermore, Poland was sandwiched between two hostile nations. When Germany and the Soviet Union invaded Poland in September 1939, the Polish Army fought bravely, but unsuccessfully. However, and with minimal Allied support, it took the combined forces more than a month to conquer Poland, just 10 days more for France.

Application:

You are dangerously close to the enemy, but you are not well prepared. “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you” (Matthew 6:33). Since your life is hard and you seem to be under attack by the world and evil spirits, you need to put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:11) so you can be able to stand. Trust in God, seek Him, and He will help and guide you. When you mess up, don’t give up. What matters in life and especially in following God is not giving up. God sees the heart (1 Samuel 16:7), He will draw you closer to Him.

You got: Pre-war America

America became a recognized world power after World War 1. However, its intervention brought out public rebuke, especially during the Great Depression. America on the onset World War 2 is a strong, modern, powerful, but an isolationist nation. Although America gave Great Britian the supplies she needed to survive, the country refused to participate actively in the war. It will not be until the Day of Infamy (Dec. 7, 1941) that America became an active global participant.

Application:

You got it all: A strong relationship with God, good prayer life and Bible reading, and the support of many friends. It is time to climb out of your shell and see the truth. They world is dying; they need light. You have the light inside you. Do you have the courage to step up and fight for good? Or will it take a day of infamy to wake you up from your spiritually sheltered life in order to obey the Great Commission?

That’s just a sample of the 15-nation result test. And lastly, for France:

You got: France

France, although moderately powerful and had lots of support at the onset of World War 2, lacked a powerful military and training. She was deceived along with most European countries that by giving land to Germany for peace, Germany will be peaceful. It did not. France and her allies only declared war when Germany invaded Poland and even then, did not think the war will be real (the “phony” war). It is only when Germany made a surprise invasion on the Low Countries that France began to wake up and muster her strength, but it was too late. Her allies were unable to stop an experienced Germany. There was also lots of finger-pointing and bickering. Both France and Britain was unwilling to sacrifice or suffer too much defending the Low Countries. The last deception, however, was the French belief that the Mangot defense line is impenetrable and can stop the Germans from attacking further south. They were wrong. German forces went through the Ardennes forest and surprised the Allied troops. Unlike the Chinese, when the French capital, Paris, was captured, they surrendered. France was unwilling to pay the price for hope and victory. She remained a captive for much of the remainder of the war.

Application:

Since you are most like France, what can you do to improve your situation? First, you need to be more prepared against the enemy by growing with God more. Second, you need to be willing to suffer and endure more for God. Life is hard, but the One within you is greater than the one who lives in the world (1 John 4:4). Lastly, what is your Ardennes? What are your spiritual weaknesses? Make sure you take an honest look at yourself and strengthen those weaknesses. Satan always attacks at your weakest point, be prepared.

Once I publish my test, or even before that, feel free to give me input and help me out.

————————————

Spiritual WW2

Introduction:

From 1939 to 1945, the world agonized in the midst of a world war. On one side, the Allies, represents freedom, truth, and justice, while the other, the Axis, represents oppression, suffering, and darkness for the peoples of the world. Fortunately, the Allies won. Freedom, happiness, and prosperity were restored to many peoples.

Nowadays, all of us are in a war, a spiritual war, a struggle between good and evil. How about you? If you were a country in this spiritual world war, what country will you be, or more importantly, which side would you be on?

This test collectively measures your power (inner strength), support (how many friends you have), morals (which calculates whether you will be in the Allies [good] or Axis [evil] side), front-lineness (how frequently are you attacked or stressed), and your bravery to determine the nation that represents you.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Variables in detail:

Power– Represents your spiritual power. This includes, in the spiritual realm, your relationship with God, your effort in letting Christ live through you, how much time you spend seeking Him, and victories in Christ. A person who scores high in this criterion is a person who is close to God, loves Him, overcomes sin, and puts his/her faith in Him.

Support– Shows how much spiritual support from the family of Christ that you have and how well you use it. A person who scores high in support has lots of Christian brothers and sisters that he/she can turn to in times of trouble.

Front-Lineness– How often are you attacked by evil forces (world, flesh, and Satan). How often and how much you suffer in life. The more you are attacked, the higher this value will be. This is a good quality to have (if you’re prepared, of course) because the higher this value, the move active you are in fighting evil (your country will be closer to the enemy).

Bravery– Your effort and willingness to suffer in order to obey God. How much can you stand against evil before you fall. It is similar to hit points in an rpg game. A person with high bravery is more able to endure pain and suffering in order to follow God.

Special Thanks to:

God

The Holy Bible

The Invisible War by Chris Ingram

21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People by Dave Earley

The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee

Hearts of Iron game series

Axis and Allies TripleA version

Note: In making this test, I am in no way against any of these nations. The past is the past. History shows how evil and wicked men can be and how the only solution is to let the perfect man, Jesus, rule the world. He will soon and He’s coming back.

And also, I understand that many nations in the Allied side aren’t necessarily good. The totalitarian regime of the Soviet Union, for example, oppressed its own people and invaded Finland in the Winter War. I look at the big picture. The Allies are fighting against racism, bigotry, oppression, and tyranny which the Axis represents. Since both sides are man-made (and to be specific, the Soviet Union actually belongs to the Commintern), both sides have their evils, but one is trying to be good while the other is not.

If you skim over the specifics and look at the big picture, good vs. evil, you will get my purpose for this test.

The accuracy of this test also depends on whether you have a Biblical view of God. That will be up to you and God to judge, but I ask everyone to be humble and honest about yourself and your knowledge of God.

This test is also pretty subjective because no one really knows how strong you are between you and God nor how victorious you are. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Again, God will be the Judge.

Lastly, before you exult and rejoice that you got a super strong nation, I want to remind you that all of us are as nothing before God. Even the nations are nothing compared to God. He the potter and we are the clay.

Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing. To whom, then, will you compare God? What image will you compare him to? Isaiah 40:17-18

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok, I have so many things to write about my life. Where should I start? Should I even start? Lol. I just called my mom in Taiwan about my heart of hearts and I’m glad I’m able to convey all my feelings and thoughts to her despite my fluent but limited Chinese. For one thing, it’s so hard to be perfect, to love and worship God, alone. I need a spiritual “battle buddy.” Sure, the Army provides me physically (food, water, shelter, etc) and my battle buddies in my barracks provide me physically but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. My dad also provides me physically, but that’s something I want to talk, I mean write, about later. I can’t be perfect with God alone. It’s too difficult. The Bible even says there is “none righteous, no, not one.” I need someone I can freely talk to, someone I can call, in case I get tempted, in case I get attacked by Satan. You can pretty much tell that I’m having trouble with God if I don’t update my facebook lol.

I don’t even know if I want to come back to Los Angeles during Christmas time anymore. I have nothing to look forward to over there. I don’t want to see my dad, and he has been calling me almost everyday. Of course I love my dad, but I hate the fact that he micromanages me to death. When I was 20, which is before I joined the Army, my dad has control over everything. I can’t drive my car, bike, go anywhere, or buy anything without consent from my dad. He even tries to control how much toilet paper I use. Many times, I would just lie and say I’m going to “study” just so I can get out. That, and other reasons why I am so deprived of the things of this world. I was afraid to even go shopping at age 20. I feel uncomfortable going by myself. I’m afraid to look up the yellow pages to call for services. The only thing I feel comfortable doing is staying in my room and playing third-world computer games. You know, free cheap games. I lack street smarts and so many of my skills are deprived and undeveloped. My dad provides me physically, but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Although he’s my dad, I look to him like my boss. It’s cold, unemotional, calculating. I can’t live like this. And of course, he’s the one who kicked me out the house and forced me to join the Army. That itself should be reason enough to ignore him. Now I know why my mom divorced lol.

The second thing is about my so called “friends” in church. I want to reconnect with them but they don’t want to talk to me. I send messages via facebook but they don’t respond. It’s like ever since I joined the Army, they don’t talk to me anymore. All they care about, I think, is about their college friends. Ooooo I’m in UCLA, ooooo I’m in UC Riverside, ooooo I’m in USC. Fuck you and your punk ass college. I’m pretty sure I’m more important than them since I’m going to spend eternity with you in heaven. But the thing I need most is a girlfriend. I want a girl who loves God and loves people. I want a girl whom we can pray everyday and sing everyday and worship God everyday. I can tell her all of my troubles and stresses. Then, then life will be bearable for me. Then, everyday will be like heaven lol. But, sigh, I’m just not good enough. To be truthful, I’m in love with a girl on Facebook. No, please don’t guess who, and if you do, I’m just going to lie. But of course, she’s in college. She’s 10x smarter than me, she has probably 10x more friends. Actually, make that 20 or 30x or more since I hardly have any lol. So fuck it, I won’t be able to find anyone. The Bible says a “virtuous wife, who can find?” Only Jesus can find one for me. Sigh, so depressing. This leads to another point.

Many times, actually almost all the time, I feel that the only friend I have is Jesus. Of course it’s wonderful to have Jesus, but I want a fully human friend. Someone I can talk to about anything, a “spiritual battle buddy.” I can’t fight against my flesh, the world, or Satan alone. I still try, but now, I do so more tactically.

You might see me on Facebook and see how emotional and open I am, but I am totally different in real life. I can’t trust people, and it’s painful. I act like a general lol. I’m cold, tactful, calculating, unemotional, meaner, and results-(or mission) oriented. This “don’t mess with me” type. And I’m also able to back myself up with threats. It’s fine. I would so much rather go to heaven now than later. Or if I don’t go to heaven, oh well. God’s the judge. This world is hell to me already.

I need to go to sleep soon, or tomorrow will be hell. To make this short, I’m coming back on my own terms. I already reserved a rental car, and got my planned ilternary. I will be living in a hotel from 25 Dec to 4 Jan. I will still, of course, stop by my dad’s house and show up to church. Maybe I should wear my ACU’s and make a noisy entrance. I was even joking about being in full battle rattle with my M16A2. Hooah! I will eat at Vietnamese restaurants, eating those yummy deserts. But, I will spend almost everyday hiking at the mountains. I love to sing and hike and be with nature. I want to go on higher ground. I may also revisit my past: Taking walks down my middle school (Thomas Jefferson), skating at Washington School (elementary school), go ice skating at the Pasadena rink, maybe go to Cloverly School and take a look, revisit SINWA education center, although most of my students are probably gone, and go to the beach. I can finally be free; I can finally have freedom. What I don’t want to do is playing computer games in my hotel room. Yes, I’m back to playing games again, but it’s high-class games now.

One of the things my dad kept telling me is to save money. Of course I’m saving money, I’m trying to save every penny I get. I would deprive myself of sport drinks or monsters and just drink water or MRE drink mixes. I always eat at the DFAC, and I go outside to eat only when forced. Like that platoon Hooters event. Ugh! My battle buddies know me; they know I love Jesus and all, so I can’t opt out. My only expenses are for charities, necessities (like blankets, toothpaste, and yes, internet), and a little on computer games. I’m currently sponsoring a child and a family from World Vision. I love helping people. I want to use my treasures on earth for something more permanent. I’m afraid though. When I want to help people, I always get the feeling that people just don’t trust me, no matter what my intent is. I feel like I’m releasing this aura of fear on people. Sigh. It seems like the only things people want from me is my money. Then money it is! I’m also letting my fellow soldiers borrow. A lot of them are getting broke due to poor financial management. Damn! Stop buying cigarettes and alcohol! And stop “celebrating” everytime you get a paycheck. That’s right. Many of my soldiers live paycheck-by-pay check. I could live for couple years in the Army and still have money to spare, damn! And with regards to money, I follow the principles of the Bible. I don’t ask for the money back. To me, money is just a sad necessity in this world. I want to use my money just to help people. I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. Then, everybody will help each other and the Law will be on everyone’s hearts. I don’t worship money, unlike my dad, I worship God.

I also look to my past a lot now. I remember what Shi-Min Lu, my former Junior High Sunday School teacher said:”Young people like you.. always look to the future, but people like me, we look to our past.” I asked her why not just look to the future, like we do? But she told me that people her age really has nothing to look forward to. For me, everyday has its own challenges, it’s unpredictable, but I look to my past, because it brings me comfort. I think of all the memories when I loved life, when it’s exciting, when It’s fun. I’m a dreamer, and I talk to myself all the time. Jesus is my best friend, and I am the second best friend. It’s fun and exciting to talk to yourself, if you know how. I think of solutions and ideas and brainstorm so much better if I talk to myself. I would talk about my past, sing, whatever. Be your own best friend.

I think looking to my past is why I loved 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams). I loved the stories, I loved the songs. I would sing them almost everyday. It’s a miracle for me to enjoy what I enjoyed so much in the past.
Ok! So I’m coming back on December 25, 2009 and leaving on January 4th 2010. I will act like Neo with his sunglasses on, so don’t expect me to behave to warmly.

9/27/2009

9/27/2009

S: 2100
E: 2132

Wow, Ray just gave me a good perspective. Doing my best isn’t enough. Trusting and following God is.

“Even if you could do far better than you are doing now, you still can’t do well enough because you don’t please God by being good (Gal. 2:21), but by trusting Jesus (John 1:12).”

It is not by works, not by yourself that you can go to heaven, but by trusting and having faith in Jesus.

Lord, forgive me sins. I wasted my weekend playing games and checking porn. I blew it again. I messed up again. I justified to myself that it is becasue I have no friends, no one who loves me, to help me and prevent me from sinning against you. I look at everyone else and they all seem so prosperous and well-off. They have so many friends, and they also have their soulmates. But not me. It seems like everyone except me, so I justified to myself that I’m just born this way. Look at my past, and see how anti-social my past is. But still, you will still give me my daily bread. Lord, forgive me and how me to joyfully worship you again everyday.

Disclaimer

Disclaimer

9/18/2009

 

Purpose

The purpose of facebook is to give glory to God.

Content

Facebook is about my life in all truthfulness. It is not about pleasing other people.
It is also about sharing my experiences with God and the wealth he has given me.

Proofreading

Before posting anything, all content will be tested in the following areas:

1. What is the purpose
2. Message: Is the message sinful? Is it offensive? Does it show wisdom?
3. Other: Does it contain any hidden motives?

2 types of Friends

1) Friends that I don’t have a deep relationship with OR friends who I feel don’t want a deeper relationship with me. For them, I will be a quiet friend, helping them when they are in need.

2) Friends that I have regular contact with. For them, I will continue to keep in touch and sharpen each other for the glory of God.

Making friends on facebook

I will not make friends on facebook unless it is clearly what God wants me to do.

A memory from my dad in San Francisco

A memory from my dad in San Francisco

5:44pm

 

There is a memory my dad remembered when he was a young man in San Francisco.

Right now, my dad and my sister are in San Francisco to help my aunt move back to our house (Wednesday 26 to Friday 29th of August). While there, he told me (via cell phone) that he saw a restaurant he used to work at Fisherman’s Wharf. He talked to the bellman and told him he used to work here about 30 years ago. The bellman told my dad if he knew who George was. My dad said no. While sitting at a table and waiting for the food, an old white man came. The bellman introduced him as George. Then my dad recalled and remembered his distinctive features. He remembered him as a boss with many people under him. They took a picture and George invited my dad to come to his church. My dad can’t, because he’s leaving on Friday. Then he told my dad to come back and visit the next time he visits San Francisco.

His story touched my heart. Before that phone conversation, I was asking God whether or not to invite friends on facebook so I can connect and talk to them. I believe this was the answer.

Of course I need to be careful. Everything has to be weighted according to the Scriptures and presented by “two or three witnesses.” It was with much prayer and thought that I decided to open myself up to my church and facebook.

 

P.S. The reason why I’m posting so many posts at the same time is because I’ve moved rooms in my barracks, and internet isn’t that accessible anymore.

The Lord will receive me

5:10pm or 1710

Psalm 27:10: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”

I came back from the DFAC (cafeteria) thinking about this verse. Yes, I feel trepidation when I invite friends, but I know that even if my very close loved ones, my dad and mom forsake or hate me, the Lord will still receive me. “Blessed assurance Jesus is mine. O what a foretaste of glory divine. Heir of salvation, purchase of God; born of His Spirit washed in His blood” (Fanny Crosby).

8/28/09

8/28/09

around 3pm

There is a nervousness and apprehension every time I decide to let the world see the true me.

I’ve spend all my free time updating facebook, showing my true self, and my reliance on God. But, I have no friends, therefore, I am not afraid. There is nothing to be afraid or worry about because I can’t be rejected.

But once I decided to enter phase I, which is adding friends, little by little at a time, I feel apprensive.

What will I do if they reject me? What will I do if they tell me to change my profile, which is in essence, me? The purpose of facebook is to let others know the true me. Is to portray an honest portrayal of me. If they reject me for who I am, I will not be afraid, nor will I fear, for I know that I am just trying to be myself.

I follow God, and that is all I need.

And sure, God can use other people to talk to me about my profile or about me. I will listen to their suggestions and carefully and patiently look for answers in the Word of God. If I am right with God, I will not be moved or shaken.

8/25/2009

8/25/2009

S: 7:32
E: 7:50?ish

I hate it how once I finished with all my necessary things, I hardly have time for myself. I wanted to continue to update my facebook so I can invite my friends. But that would have to wait.

As I said before, I am a weak person. I have to rest, to sleep early, just so I can be on equal grounds with my peers. I’m tired, yet I don’t want to sleep yet. I want to reconnect with my friends.

I wrote a list of 11 goals that I hope to accomplish during my stay in the Army. I plan to publish it on facebook. I grow to like facebook now. It serves as a way for me to connect with my friends even though I’m 500 or 5000 miles away. It enables me to see the faces of those I love when I was young again. I really miss them. I want to touch them, to talk to them again.

Again, this diary is for myself only. It’s clearance is top-secret heh. My facebook is secret (friends). And while my military friends have classified ratings, some I will allow to be my friend. That’s why there is a conflict in me. My facebook is about my thoughs and my feelings. But what if those near me now see them as hostile? They might attack me, mistreat me, and so forth. I am only saying what I think. Do I have a right to do that? Am I not a soldier of Christ and also a soldier of freedom also? For it is in Christ that sets us free. I am going to include what I wrote in the office so I don’t have to keep pieces of my treasures around.

8/25/09

S: about 4pm

My heart is stirred by a noble theme, as I recite the verses of the king.

I am in conflict whether to invite my military friends on Facebook or not. Facebook is a place of honesty. A place to write honest thoughts. However, I really disagree with what they are doing. I have nothing but critisim for them. I am stuck, what can I do? They know me, but if I increase my intenisity, they will dislike it. They might even grow to hate me.

How about they don’t care who they fuck. How they don’t care about their morals. How…. so man things. Surly strength is their god. They do not fear God. And they hardly fear men.

Sure, I am messed up too, but I prayed the prayer of David in Psalm 51: “Have mercy upon me O God, according to your unfailing love.”

———————————————-

And my goals:

1) Be able to love and follow God wherever he leads me. Develop faith the size of a mustard seed.

2) Get a BA or BS degree.

3) Learn a foreign language.

4) Be strong and healthy.

5) Get lastilik eye surgury during Christmas leave.

6) Reconnect, support, and confid with my old friends.

7) Get a girlfriend.

8) Memorize the Book of Psalms or/and key verses in the Bible.

9) Develop a capable kingdom on Envoy.

10) Stop playing computer games

11) Develop soldier skills

—————————-
Theses are my goals. I also annotated them on my orginal copy with s= spiritual and so forth, but that takes too long. Sorry, I’m lazy.

Sigh, I still regret the fact that I rejected God during my high school years. Just because I met disappointment in 8th grade with my church members does not mean I can reject the one who loves me, God. I wonder… my life would be truly different if only I opened myself up in my middle school years. I could also have met Dorcas, Endora, and other sisters in the Ger family. I would love to get to know them. But now… sigh. When I came back to church during late high school, I probably seen the Ger sisters. But… I didn’t reconlize them. Sigh…. It’s fine. God is already doing so much to help me by letting me reconnect with much of them through facebook. Praise God. Let the house of Israel say his love endures forever.

The internet is down, so I can’t update my facebook and publish my declassified version on it. Heh… it just might be the same actually. Truth hurts, but its the truth. There’s no way around it. Actually, there is, but its just not worth it. I learned that in middle school.

May God bless all of you.

8/13/09

8/13/09

S: 7:34pm
E: 8:07pm

A day before my birthday, I reflected on my life. Looking at all the e-mails of my past that I treasured. I think about all my friends that moved on. I lost contact to all of them. I remember the sweet times when I had them. I regret the times when I refuse to follow God in my high school years beacuse I feel angry. I feel hopeless too. All these memories. All these failures. All these regrets.

My church forgot me. That’s only derserving of what I get because I forgot my church, too. I failed college. I deserved that too. I didn’t study, and I actually got better grades than I deserved. God’s mercy is very great. I failed to control my evil self. My evil desires. My evil flesh. I failed time and time again. Until my dad praticaly kicked me out.

I joined the Army because I failed college and my dad kicked me out. But a deeper reason is because I failed to worship God completely. I was still holding on to sin. I was still greatly sinning against God.

I got through so much pain as a result of my decision. So much hardship, so much pain, so much loneyness. But somehow, God still had mercy on me. On this poor wetched soul. He delieved me many times in BCT when I seeked Him. He helped me in AIT when I asked for help. Even through I wander away, God still forgave me and helped me. And in my unit too.

But still. I feel so alone. I feel so loney. I miss all my long ago, long past friends. I miss them. I love them. I want to talk to them. To connect with them again. To bless and love them again. To fellowship with them again. But time has done its damage. It is done. There is no turning back.

Oh how I wish I can live life again. How I wish I can just start over again. I tried to talk to God to give me another chance that way. To say, “God, if you can make me young again, I will change my ways. For now I see my mistakes. Now I see my sin.” But I can’t. God won’t let me. It’s not fair for others. It’s against His Law.

So now what am I to do? It is depressing. So real. I am nothing now. I watch as this world is heading to sin. I watch. I can only watch. And sometimes pray.

Lord, can you please help me. Lord, you know my pains, you know me oh Lord. Help and heal me. Even through I messed up in my early life. Lord, help me. Forgive me God. Please help me. Give me a second chance with people. Give me a second chance with other believers. I want to fellowship with them. I want to fellowship with my church. I miss them. They have forgotton me, and I deserved it. I deserved it.

I deserved everything in my life. All the major decisons I mean. The biggest mistake is that I failed to worship and love GOd completely. I failed HIm. I failed. Now I seek Him. Now I love Him. Now I worship and adore and ask HIm for help. BUt now is too late. It cannot undo the damage that I have done. I can’t just talk to these people, these friends of mine again. I have to make new ones but they are just not replacable. It’s not a plug and fix solution.

Lord, what am I to do? SHould I write a long, lengthy e-mail to all three groups asking them to forigve me and love me and cover me in again? What will they do? Will they think I’m crazy? What can I do? WHat can I say? What can I do to have them be with me again. I know God is with me, but I still love to worhsip God with my fellow believers.

I don’t know what to do. My birthday. It means nothing. It is just a cursed day to me. It is just a reminder of time passing. OH how I want to go back in time, if only just a few years. I think I can see my life now. A life of misrey, pain, sorrow, shame. A life alone. A loney life. People don’t understand this. They don’t understand, unless they really want to understand me. ANd they persist to. Then they might understand.

Now I’m thinking. Now I’m thinking the impossible. Death. I just want to die. After all, all my former support is gone. My church is gone. My old CHristian friends is gone. Even my high school friends is gone. Canaan is now just a distant friend to me. Just a memory of what a friend used to be. And its all my fault. My fault. I did not seek God. I did not follow GOd completely.

You know, maybe I should just go AWOL and spend the rest of my money in a secret place, just worshipping God, just praying to God, just seeking Him. ANd then my plan is to die. Once my money runs out, or I’m found out, I will die. Die. Sweet death, Sweet departure.

Is it too late for me Lord? Is it too late for me to have my old friends back? I could get new grain and new wine because the Bible said so. But can I get the ones I love back again? I don’t think so. I love them, I miss them terriably.

I think its hopeless. I think my life is just hopeless. I failed God. It’s too late for me. The war for my life was already lost. ALl the major battles have been fought early in my life. I lost almost all if not all of them. Now, I can win every battle, but still lose so much. Still lose the war.

I’m dispairing. I’m crying inside. I’m broken inside. I feel so hopeless. I just want to die. Say good bye. Just die.

WHo am I anyways? Am I not just a man God created? Am I not just a breath that passes away? Am I not just like a flower in the field that fades away?

I can’t live my life anymore. I don’t care about other people, other soldiers anymore. I just want to die.

I don’t want to made any new friends anymore. I just want my old friends back. My old friends from childhood. I want them back. Or I will be alone. I hate being alone. I hate to be by myself. I want to travel through life with my church friends. I want to suffer with them. TO cry with them. To laugh with them. TO do anything with them. Lord help me. Humor is just a drug to me now. It hides the truth of reality.

So when am I going to die? I’m going to die as soon as I safely could. I will travel to a remote location. I don’t care the damage I can do to my country. I failed myself.

I want to just worship God, give Him glory, and then die.