1/28/2011: Free-writing

1/28/2011: Free-writing

S: 6:41pm
E: 6:53pm

Right now, I am trying to write my first English Comp. essay, but, it’s so hard. I would rather plan a grand battle strategy than to plan on my essay.

For one thing, I want to be free. I want to fly, to explore, to dance, to move freely, and to dream. Writing a five-paragraph structured essay is like putting a bird in a cage. I hate limitations, restrictions, and rules on what or how to write. It is in Christ that sets us free (Galatians 5:1). I’m so happy that in Christ, I am free from the desires of my flesh and of the world. I truly do feel free. I am so happy that I am no longer enslaved by the things of this world or by my own desires. I love freedom. I want to be free!

Writing this essay, however, is the opposite of that. After a topic sentence, I have to think to try to structure my thoughts. I would much rather just write it down. In the end, I find, they all flow in a unique way. I find that many of my discoveries flow in my intuition. I start from what I am thinking and what people can understand and develop my thoughts further. It’s like teaching a child how to count. There is no one structured way to teach a child. I teach a child based on intuition, on how the child thinks. These rules on essay (not grammar, since they enhance understanding) structure is narrowing my thoughts, my raw power, though a narrow channel. Much of it is wasted. I feel I can write more effectively by free-writing about why online learning is not the best way to learn (it’s general enough) than to put them into paragraphs and writing the reasons and supporting reasons for each one. Let me write not from my soul, from what makes sense, but from my spirit, from what makes the ultimate sense.

11/29/2010: Free-writing

11/29/2010: Free-writing

S: 7:38am

E: 8:21am

I love journal writing or writing on my discovery because I get to free-write. I love free writing because I get to put my thoughts out. It doesn’t have to make sense; it just has to make sense to God :) .

Well, actually, it’s quite hard to free write when I’m also trying to defecate. Heh, but it’s okay, what matters is that I do my best to worship God.

This world is so messed up now. I can sense it every day and it seems to be getting stronger. I can feel more hate when passing people. I still try to say “hi!” or “good to see you.” They can hate but I will love because love comes from God.

It’s sad that when times are hard, people tend to be meaner to each other. They love others less while they love themselves more. When times are good, if you say “hi” to them, most likely they will say “hi” back. Now, if I say “hi” to them, they just ignore me. I can sense the increased amount of stress. I think this is what distinguishes Christians and non-Christians. When times are hard, Christians tend to rely more on God and seek spiritual help from other Christians. They become more loving, happy, patient, peaceful, because these heavenly gifts comes from God. Non-Christians, however, transfer the love they had for people back to themselves. They become more selfish, more self-centered, meaner, and they do more evil things. When a disaster comes, Christians tend to help people while non-Christians tend to destroy people. And yes, there are good people outside of Christianity too, but that is self-righteousness. The Bible says there is no one good but God alone (Mark 10:18). The good things that we do come from the flesh and since they come from the flesh, they are like “filthy rags” to God (Isaiah 64:6). The flesh can do both good and evil but because it is also capable of evil, the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:5-7). His standard is perfection (Matthew 5:48). Only our spirit, through God’s Holy Spirit is acceptable to Him because it is completely good. We can only worship God in spirit and in truth.

Okay, I finally took a dump! Mission accomplished! Heh. I remember while I was still on the say, I thought of the verse:

James 1:15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I need to be careful. It’s not what I want; it’s what God wants. I think I thought of this because to me, taking a dump is like giving birth. It’s not easy and once the movements come, I have to go! I can’t just give birth any time I want.

I remember my mom also has this problem. Sometimes, she would say, “Praise God, I was finally able to drop a big one!” or “Aaah, I feel so good now, now that I took a dump.” I would be surprised that she said it but, now, it makes sense. Once I feel what others feel, it makes sense.

I think the ability to pray to God is such a wonderful gift. When this world gives me the hates, I can always talk to God in prayer. I know that God is the ultimate judge and power comes from Him. I feel peace in the midst of chaos because I can always talk to God about my thoughts and troubles. Anxiety

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I will always pray, pray, when things go wrong till in your heart rings heaven’s song, the loving God, His voice will hear come back to Him he’s always near.

Communication with people is important, but communication with God is more important. Everything that has to do with God is always more important because God is always important. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and He created us.

There is still so much I want to write such as the “trial-and-error” logic. Human reasoning is very flawed because there is always something that humans don’t know. On the other hand, God’s Word is always correct because God knows everything. One reason why I love free-writing is because it also allows me to a preparatory phase before writing a paper on a topic. Maybe that’s what I’m going to do! When I get an essay assignment from English class, instead of using outlines, and drafts, I will just write about it. Free-write. Then, I can reread and harvest the gems to put on my essay, after some organization. To beat an essay I will write about it. To win a war, like what Winston Churchill did, he just talked about it!

2/28/2010: The girl I love

2/28/2010: The girl I love

I was in anguish lately. I kept thinking of her. She makes me cry. I feel feel I cannot go on with my life due to stress without her. I have been praying, reading the Psalms, and singing. I love to recite the end of Psalm 62, that you O God is strong and you O Lord is loving. Reading the verses of the Psalms greatly comforted me. Then, I thought about Hannah and how she dedicated her first-born son to God. That’s it!

I will make a promise to God, just as Hannah promised the Lord that if He gives her a son, she will dedicated him to the Lord. I will promise God that I will dedicate my life if God can let me love her. Yes, I will dedicate my life to him. I will do everything and anything he says. I will dedicate my life to God if He can let me love her.

After making this promise and saying this prayer, I felt 10x better. I felt refreshed, I felt renewed energy. I felt much freeer. Praise God! Now it is in God’s hands, for the battle belongs to the Lord.

If God lets me love the girl I love, I will dedicate my life to Him.

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10

S: 9:13am

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I am currently in the field, back only for showers. I’m happy, happy to know that God still loves me, and happy that I got a major burden off my chest.

Before I continue, I want to say that I will update my Facebook as soon as I can. I have a lot of things to write about, especially on Jan. 3. It’s going to be embarrassing, but, oh well, God knows everything.

Field is always hard for me, but somehow, at least so far, and I know God’s love will prevail, and even if he doesn’t, God is still there and he knows everything. I’m getting used to been treated inferiorly. I kind of thought to myself a poem that goes:

I don’t care if people mistreat me because they don’t know that God is the Judge.
I don’t care if people misunderstand me because they don’t know that God knows everything.
I don’t care if people hate me because they don’t know God’s love.
I don’t care if people make fun of me because they don’t know that God is the judge.

And I want to say:

I don’t care if I’m weak because God is strong.
I don’t care if I don’t know anything because God knows everything.
I don’t care if no one loves me because God loves me.

I was carrying a huge burden on my chest because there is a girl I’m in love with (for months) but I haven’t declared my love yet. It is such a burden that I couldn’t function normally. Right before the 10-day field event, I have to let it out and tell her, which I did. I felt so good, I felt so free. It kind of feels like when Christian knelt before the cross and his burden finally dropped. I am not going to say who, of course, I must protect her privacy and I cannot sin against God. I sent her letters that I wrote but never had the guts to send and now, I’m spending almost every free time in the field writing on my journal about her so I can type it once I get back and send it to her. It’s wonderful to be in love, but I know that she would probably reject me. She wrote back and told me that she was “shocked” and can’t “accept [my] feelings for [her],” but she “sympathizes with [me].” Mission impossible. I will still show the extent of my love unless she tells me to stop. Of course, because I must not sin against God.

Even if she says yes, I will still love God. If she says no, I will still love God. God knows everything and he already has given me so much. I’m doing this because I’m prepared. God is in heaven and I am on earth. I want to say that I will worship God even if I go to hell because he is worthy to be praised.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I tried to use my flip camera to record myself playing guitar (the songs “Hungry” and “Heaven is calling out to me”) and upload it on Facebook, but I forgot to bring the stand that comes with it. I was only able to record my face or the guitar, not both. My voice sounds okay. You know what? I don’t care if my voice sounds horrible or if I made mistakes. I’m doing this for God, not man.

Finally, after some time and thought, I’m wondering to myself why I even use Facebook. Originally, it was to give glory to God. But, after thinking to myself about it, and remembering some of the notes I wrote, I feel kind of ashamed of who I am. Do I really want people to see this? It’s me, yes, it’s truthful, yes, but should it be shared? I know there won’t be Facebook in heaven because we will all know each other lol, but how about now? What’s the point of Facebook, really? I feel the reason I use Facebook is not to completely give glory to God but so that others can “sympathize” with me and understand me. I will feel so alone without Facebook because I don’t have anyone to talk about spiritual matters and matters of the heart. But I’m trying right now ;)

I will also boot out my squad leader from FB because he’s too close for comfort. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.