11/9/2016: MDWG

11/9/2016: MDWG

10:24pm – 11:11pm (session continues but transcribing ended)

God, I am here today to love You, to spend time with You, to seek You. God, we really need to seek Your Face. We really need to worship You, to love You. Thank You Jesus for giving me an opportunity today to spend time with You and to worship You. In the negativity of this world, God is my only light.

God, I ask for protection and safety for this country, that this nation, under God, can do the right thing. That this nation can turn to You. That the nations of the world can seek You, can be found by You. May you bless Israel O God, protect her from all her troubles.

Help us O God, to chase You. You know us by name. Forgive me O God.

People may break their promises but help me to keep mine. You’re everything that we need God. Help me to run after your heart. Forgive us O God, and heal us. Teach us to follow Your ways, O God, for your ways are good, and your ways are true.

Jesus, you love us so much. I don’t understand Your love; I don’t understand this love. Why do You love us so much? Help me God, to fathom the depths of your love. God, I still doubt, I still lack faith, I still am faithless. But God, I know You are my God and my provider. You are my Jehovah Jira.

So Jesus, I thank You for give me abilities. I thank you for blessing me. Even if all you give me is a little ewe lamb, God, help me to still love You and give thanks to You, and be loyal to You because however You give, O God, you give with love and peace, and fairness, and justice. What You give is enough for me. You are enough for me. Help me to say that You are all I need, You are all I want, You are all I seek. My heart says of You seek His face, Your face Lord, I will seek.

God, I pray O God, for all the displaced Christians around the world, for those that bear Your mark that are suffering, in chains, in bondage, in pain, in torture. God, may you comfort them and bless them and protect them. I know You will do all that but may you do a little more for them because of my prayer. Thank you God for giving me the ability to pray and to spend time with You. Again, it is late at night, again, I could have done better, but my God is changing me and someday perfect I will be.

You will be praised. No matter what happens You will be praised. Help me God, to say Your praise will ever be on my lips.

Help me to love You God, help me to worship You. Surely the things of this world is folly, surely the things of this world grows old. But You, O Lord, never grow old. And You live in a land that will never grow old.

God, I think of my people, my comrades, those I once enjoyed sweet fellowship with, those that I haven’t matured and expressed my true self with. Those that I made mistakes with. Those that I was brainwashed with. Those that I didn’t show my true self with. God, it’s very difficult for me to express my true self with people. You know, it’s like I can’t speak to people but I can almost always speak or always speak to You. I’m more comfortable talking to You than to other people. But God, I can mess up, I can make all the mistakes of this world with these people, but Lord, just help me to continue to love them and to pray for them. To bless them and not curse them, to honor them and to just pray for them. If I suck at talking to them or being in their presence, help me then to talk to them in Your presence, help me to talk to You in behalf of them. I said before, O God, that they don’t have to like me, in fact, they can hate me, as long as they love You, as long as they love God. They don’t have to love me, they just have to love You. I will try to love them and to bless and pray for them, to the best of my limitations and weaknesses. Why? Why am I doing this? Because You are the God that overcomes our weaknesses. Because You are the God that made us and love us all. Because You are our Savior and our God. You are my Savior and God.

Lord, it’s ok if people read this, under one condition, that I remain faithful and loyal to You. That I continue to love and seek You. Lord, I backslid, I forgot, I went away, astray, even escape, even betrayed You, but You still somehow call me back with love. Sometimes with love, sometimes with guidance, sometimes with discipline, sometimes in clouds of rain, or fire, or wind, or water, or in silence, or in good days. But, God, You always call me back or maybe I decide to seek You back, but what makes me to seek You, to long for You? Isn’t it your mark that you put in me? Your fingerprint in me? Your love in me? Your power in me? Your mercy and grace in me? Your everything good in me?

…But You are the God who holds tomorrow. You are the God who holds our hands. Lord, just as some people ask to just have You, Lord, I just want to have a peaceful and quiet place and maybe safe place where I can spend time with You. I show my love through time. I show my love through actions. Heh, help me God, to show love in everything.

Sometimes there is a thin line between hypocrisy and genuineness, but we really try to seek and to follow You. Father God, I pay you lip service, but You see my heart O God, I really do what to seek You and love You. Why am I doing what I do if it’s not for You? … If that’s the case, help me to be consistent God, for You are a never-ending, never-changing God. I enjoy spending time with You, I enjoy loving You. Help me God, may this be for all-times.

I can fail my classes O God, but let me not fail You. Thank you Jesus; Thank you God.

I will be the Steven that I will never be.

Songs listened: Chasing You- Bethel, Ever Be- Bethel, Wonder- Bethel, I Love You Anyway- Holly Starr

[session continues but transcribing ended]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

2:41am – 3:24am
I know it’s really late now but I want to share my spiritual state with you.

I just finished listening to “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust and I am going to add that song to my favorite Christian song list. Every song in that list, I have a soul tie to. Well, I don’t know if soul tie is the right word but every song on that list applies to me, it’s personal to me, it’s a story between me and God to me. These are songs that enable and remind me to worship and praise God.

But to get back on topic, I have been struggling spiritually. This is the year of Jubilee. This is the year of second chances. This will also be a year of great turmoil for those without the blood of the Lamb. We will either be in the judgment or blessing side. What side am I on?

To give all for God and none for Me has been a very difficult journey. It was most for me and some for God. It was half for me and half for God. It was even less of me and more for God. But it is never none of me and all for Him. And I feel that my pastors, my mentor, the apostles, are saying that if I have even a little bit of rebellion, of sin, of me, what I want and need (God will provide that), then I am giving my perfume, my incense, a bad smell. I can’t hang on to both the world and to God. Actually for me, my weakness is not the world, nor the enemy, but my flesh. Yes the enemy helps out and the world doesn’t help, but my main weakness, I think, is my flesh. I have to crucify my flesh. I have to destroy it. It’s not what I want but what God wants. And I have a hard time doing it. Lying on my bed, I realized I cannot serve both my flesh and God. The Bible made that very clear. So I’m left with being stuck in the middle, an unhappy equilibrium. I don’t want to sin against God but my mind keeps attacking me. And I want to worship and spend time with God but my flesh won’t let me. If I choose to fully follow my flesh, then I will be destroyed, because I cannot survive without God. But, if I choose to fully follow God, I will be in great agony, because of my body and soul.

If I didn’t mention this before, I feel my thought process and my life is similar to Congress. My flesh occupies one side, my soul another, and my spirit yet another. And the president is there to, me, since I make the decisions, and the president wants to follow God. But, my flesh is almost always against me. My soul is with me sometimes but sometimes not. But my spirit is willing. So it turns out to be a big civil war within me. I feel paralyzed. Any choice I go will displease the other side. The only parts that are in agreement are my basic needs, like eating, using the restroom, and those kind of tasks. And when I fall to either side, the enemy of that side becomes stronger and I bounce back to my equilibrium. So I’m stuck.

In the normal world, the world God intended, the flesh serves the spirit, and the soul is renewed to help the spirit. And the spirit, of course, serves God.

Yesterday, well, I mean on Sunday, I went to the 6pm bilingual service at Ignite Movement Church. Thank God for that church! During the service, there was a time when Pastor Patty told us to come to the altar if anyone owns a business. I have investments and I felt I need to go. When I was up front waiting for one of the leaders to pray over me, I felt a voice telling me.

I heard a voice telling me that why should God prosper me if I’m a thief?

“How am I a thief?” I asked the voice.

“You are a thief because you have taken what doesn’t belong to you. You refused to be content with what God has given you. Steven, don’t take what belongs to God.”

That hit me. I have taken things that belong to God the ungodly way. I tried to use reason but even my money belongs to God. Everything I have belongs to Him. My life is His as well.

I stood there. I told God I’m sorry and that I’ll repent. Then a leader came and blessed me.

Recently, however, I am taking many things in the right direction. I reinforce my identity as God’s child, and, more just to me, God’s general. I have formed good habits as what Pastor Patty preached in youth service on Jan. 8th. When I wake up and before I sleep, I always spend time with God (more so before I sleep, though). I reinforce my identity. I am consistently developing daily and long-term goals for myself. I still have a lot of bad habits, though, but I am working on eliminating them. It just takes 21 days. :) And the fast, the congregational fast, helps. Fasting, as what my mentor said in tonight’s HOP (House of Peace and I mean last night since it’s a new day), is about being closer with God. It’s not about the petitions, it’s not about worldly things; it’s about God.

So, God can give me so much more. Many times, I limit God. I thought to myself that I can only get so much from God but that’s it. That God can’t satisfy me fully. But no. God knows me more than I know myself and He knows the desires of my heart. I just need to seek Him first.

8/23/2013

8/23/2013

S: 12:09pm

E: 12:50pm

[written]

I’m going to start writing hybrid discoveries.  Part will be on paper and part will be digital (typed).  Well, if my journal is too long (over a text message jk lol) then it will be typed.  That way, I can have the best of both worlds.

Yesterday night (or early morning), I texted Amy, my cousin I have been helping the following message, “Hello Amy.  I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help you.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I feel depressed and unloved.  Until I have a girlfriend (and I’m poor), I won’t be able to help you.  I’m sorry.  Good-bye.”

[typed]

I feel this is what I need to do.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to help people.  I don’t have a girlfriend so I won’t be able to do this, or that.  How can I help others if half of me is missing, or dead?  Without a girlfriend, I am paralyzed.  I can focus only on my survival, if I’m lucky.  Some people are able to live without a girlfriend but not me.  I tried so many times before and from  my past writings, I won’t make it without a girl who loves me.

I have God’s love and He keeps me alive; He keeps me singing.  But I won’t be able to flourish, to thrive, unless I have my lifelong companion.  So until I have a girlfriend, I won’t be able to help Amy.  I won’t be able to help my church or anyone.  I will only be able to help myself, if that.

I think I have a new philosophy on life.  It is to be happy.  It is different from hedisim because I also want to make other happy.  That is my secondary objective.  I think life is really all about being happy.  Happiness is what counts.  Everything else like studying, working, etc are but the means to achieve happiness.  As long as someone is happy, that is what counts.  Everything else is secondary.  Thus, the purpose in my life now is not really to make money or to do anything, but to be happy.  I want to do things that makes me happy.  There are different terms of happiness.  There are short-term and long-term happiness.  Going to school, making money, pleasing God, etc. are long-term happiness.  They bring happiness in the long-run.  Short-term happiness is what makes us happy right now.  Instant gratification.  If I eat ice-cream or play computer games or just do the things I want to do now, that will bring me happiness immediately.  For my life, I want a balance of long and short-term happiness.  Too much of one thing and my life won’t work.  Too much long-term and I’ll be mirisable.  Too much short and I’ll mortgage my future.  But, although my own happiness is my primary concern, I will not be happy at others expense.  I want to make others happy, too.  I think that is why I want to be a social worker.  To help people.  To help people be happy.

I know Paul wrote, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-13).  Paul learned the secret of how to be happy at all times.  He learned the secret of happiness.  But as Paul wrote elsewhere, he has been given the gift of celibacy and he wished everyone has been given this gift: “Yet I wish all of you were as I am.  But each of you has your own gift from God…” (1 Corinthians 7:7a).  Sadly, I don’t have his gift.

Ok, I am going to start making my breakfast, I mean lunch, and I think I am done writing this discovery.  I don’t know why I am still single.  I feel I have everything to have a mate.  I am willing to love her to death, to give her everything.  Anyone reading my earlier discoveries can see that.  Well, maybe at first it was lust, but as I matured, that lust also matured into love.

10/14/2012:

10/14/2012:

{S: 7:59pm}

If I should die in a combat zone
Box me up and ship me home.

Tell my mom (1) / church (2) I did my best
Bury me in the leaning rest.

That was the Army cadence I sang to give myself the courage to bike with my radical black Christian T-shirt to church today.  I really do feel the world I’m living in is a combat zone.  Standing up, telling others that I am a C is very dangerous in this time.  I am a C.. I am a C-H….

Claire commented to me during lunch that I am wearing that black Christian T-shirt again.

“People are going to beat you up,” she said, “Better learn karate.”

Well, I don’t know karate and I don’t know the Army combatives.  But it’s okay.  If they beat me up, my blood will be precious in God’s sight (Psalms 72:14).  The best self-defense is spiritual self-defense.  If I should die in a combat zone, box me up and ship me home.  {8:18pm}

 

Poem: Keep trying to follow God

Keep trying to follow God

I will keep trying to follow God,
Even though I make many mistakes.
Like a kid learning to play basketball,
He misses all the shots he makes.

I will keep trying to follow God,
And do what I think He says.
Knowing that although I make mistakes,
If I keep trying, I will be perfect in the end.

For everyone makes mistakes,
But it is God who sees the heart.
The “mistakes” that are devoted to Him,
Will be made perfect in the end.
Written partly for Michelle

1/23/2011: Better than them

1/23/2011: Better than them

S: 7:47pm

E: 8:33pm

I don’t know how to start this. People read what I write and people are concerned about first impressions. It’s like I know what to write but I don’t know how to disseminate the information. This is the gift of a teacher. A teacher knows stuff but he or she has to find a way to share the information so everyone else can understand as good as the teacher. Just as I’m trying to think how my former students think and process learning information, I’m trying to think of how to approach this. I’m glad when we go to heaven, time will not be a matter, so therefore, first impressions will not matter. I can spend infinity and infinity with everybody.

I just found out what an evil and wicked person I am. Of course I know that I’m evil and everyone is evil because we are born in sin, but I am just beginning to realize the extent of my sin and uncleanness. Knowing God is not a substitute for following God. I found this out the hard way. I can read so much about God, read the Bible, pray, love, etc, etc, but if I don’t follow Him, everything will go haywire. That no matter how much we know about God, we still cannot live righteously. The way to live righteously is to pick up our cross and follow God (Matthew 10:38). Knowledge about God cannot change sinful human nature.

This is where I failed yesterday. After a frustrating day of work, I came to my room and I’m glad I can finally detress and unwind with Sunday, a free day, ahead of me. There was nobody in our tent. I laid down on my bed and temptations came to me. This is your chance, my mind told me, there is nobody here. Nobody will know. I was tempted to check pornography. But then, I remembered what I wrote yesterday about the dangers of unwinding in God or in the world. I got up my bed and decided to write a discovery about my hardship when I was trying to sleep (but can’t) on Friday night and what I learned.

After writing about half-way, I had a need to use the latrine, so I went, took a dump, and came back. However, when I came back, my flesh won over. I thought screw it, I’m just going to check and relieve myself really quick. Nobody will know. Well, God will know, but He will be the judge. I have to; I can’t help myself. So I got out of bed, closed my half-written discovery without saving, and checked porn. Granted, I had a good time but I knew that short-term gain is not worth long-term pain. After that incident, my morals went downhill. I played computer games. Adult Japanese computer games. I did not eat dinner that night because I feel so afraid. Just as Adam hid in the bush after eating the forbidden fruit, I want to hide in my room and enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. And that vicious cycle went on until today. When I realized that I’m not as good as a person I think I am.

I look at my battle buddies, fellow soldiers and they talk about sin openly. They talk about sex, girls, hate, they spread gossip, etc. They spend a lot of their time watching racy movies, some even porn movies. I know soldiers who have gigabytes of porn. I can’t believe it. They live on what feels good. I shun their behavior. I try to avoid them. I try to help them. But then, half an hour before I started writing this discovery, a realization came to my mind: That I am just as sinful, if not more sinful then they. The only thing that separates me from them is that I try to do good, that I try to follow God, that I have organized resistance against evil. I look at them and I’m glad I know and love God, that I’m not a “sinner or tax collector” (Matthew 9:11).

Matthew 9:10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples.

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:9-14)

So many times, I know I’m an evil person, I know that I sin (specifically, fall into temptation) all the time but at least I’m not that bad as them. I don’t talk about evil (much), I don’t watch porn movies, I don’t do these nasty things, but yet, I do them in the safety of my own room. I’m being like a Pharisee, too. I don’t’ do these evil things openly and I disapprove those who do and I try to help and pray for them, but yet, I myself do those things secretly. I heard from the Barnes Poll that a third of pastors check porn at least once a month. That’s shocking. Today, I discovered that knowing about God and experiencing Him is no substitute for following Him. I can know God, I can praise and say He has done wonderful things for me, but yet, if I chose not to follow Him, I am no better than a sinful and evil man. If I don’t follow God, I am no better than people living in the days of Noah.

And this is one reason why I’m so afraid and ashamed to be out with people. Because I feel so guilty and ashamed of my sins. Because I feel such a hypocrite.

Proverbs 28:1 The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

After sinning against God, there are times when I want to “flee from his presence” (Psalm 139:6), yet, as the Psalmist wrote, no matter where I go, God will still be there. I cannot run, I cannot hide, I can only repent.