1/16/2016: S-S-Stressful / Fish hook vs Net

1/16/2016: S-S-Stressful / Fish hook vs Net

11:49pm – 1:03am

Today working at my call center, it’s probably one of my worse days. I can walk the walk, but I can’t talk the talk. :) When I talk to people face-to-face, I can talk much more normally. But, on the phone, and this happens literally every call, I stutter, bad. But, God gave me grace. Customers were nice to me. I was able to deescalate many calls and help them. I praise God that these customers can see past my weaknesses and into my heart. One of the customers today told me not to apologize.

“Please, don’t say sorry [that you stutter],” she said, “one of my friends stutters as well.”

Working at the call center is s-s-stressful for me! I told my supervisor that if I can talk normally like anybody else, I might even love this job.

Today, my supervisor told me to pray for one of my coworkers. I half-thought he was joking, so I giggled a bit. But, he reaffirmed his statement. So, I agreed. Later, I invited that coworker to come to my supernatural church. But, he told me that he’s not a church person and, not wanting to offend him, and partly not knowing how to respond, I let that argument go. At least I tried, right? Yes, but I need to try better.

I’m always so afraid. I’m always so fearful. I’m always afraid of offending someone. But no, God will always find a way out [for me]. I should have told him:

“It doesn’t matter if you are not a church person. We all need God and Christianity is about having a relationship with Him. It’s about having intimacy with Him. Only God can provide all your needs.”

One of the things I want to talk about is the fish hook versus the net. Passive evangelism versus active evangelism. I’m better at passive evangelism. I would rather cast the hook and pray that a fish would bite. I would rather pray to God intimately for revival and then posting Ignite flyers on the Internet and pass tracts out in El Paso hoping that people’s hearts will be changed by the Holy Spirit so they can come. One of my close friends told me when I was selling life insurance that insurance is one of those things where people come to you when they are ready. I feel like religion is the same (except Christianity isn’t a religion). People will come to you when they are ready. But when will people be ready? What if people die before they are ready?

Today, I don’t know if I can write. I’m not feeling it. I can only write well when I have God’s presence and today, I sinned against God by putting my flesh above God. No, I didn’t look at things I shouldn’t be looking at but the sin is in my mind.

In order to evangelize, you have to believe in something so strongly. You have to believe that God is the Way the Truth and the Life. You have to believe that only God can satisfy and that only Jesus is the answer. If I live differently, even an iota, from what I should be preaching, then my message, my evangelism will be hollow. It will be ineffective. Preaching, evangelizing, is an all-or-nothing kind of deal. I can’t preach luke-warmness. That’s religion. I know deep inside that Jesus is the answer, that He is the Way the Truth and the Life, but I fail to live that in my daily living.

Another method of evangelizing is to educate. If people are not ready, we can help them to be ready. Educate them that this world can’t satisfy them. That whatever their hobbies are, or what can make them happy, won’t be enough. Man needs something deeper and only God can fill that void. Educate them about this evil world and how only God can bring them justice. Only God can give them grace. Educate them on how fragile their lives are and how only Jesus can give them eternal life. Just like what I learned in the call center, move them from “no” to “know.”

For God, and for people, catching fish using just fish hooks is not enough. We must be willing to face the suffering and the consequences of active evangelism. Of catching people using nets. It is much more aggressive than passive evangelism. It involves preaching on the streets. Performing signs and wonders. Giving prophecy to people. This kind is much more difficult but the rewards are so much greater. We don’t force people; they can still choose, have free-will, but we beg them to change their ways to follow Christ. In order to do this kind of evangelism, we have to be willing to be ridiculed, to be attacked, to be ignored, to make mistakes, for the name of Jesus.

That is my goal. That is my aim. That my closer walk with Thee can eventually lead me to tell others about Jesus much more actively. A combined approach. Where intercessors pray for souls, where our church’s media team invites the public to come to experience God supernaturally, and where evangelists go to the streets and byways to beg them to come to Christ.

Another topic I’ve been thinking about is counterattack. I wrote earlier in my personal quotes that: “For every sin that you do, you must have a counterattack and for every victory you have, you must have a means to defend against the enemy’s counterattacks.” I can counterattack by repenting, by asking God for forgiveness, by recommitting myself to have a closer walk with God. And I remember Pastor Patty once said that one of the moments that the enemy (Satan) attacks you is when you achieved a victory. Look at how Elijah, after the miracle of fire, shortly afterwards, he asked God to die (1 Kings 18-19). We, I included, need to stop worrying and regretting about when we fall and start instead to counterattack, or take back, what the enemy has stolen from us.

My flesh is so strong. It has years and years of foundations. Just computer games alone would probably account for a quarter of my life. But, as Worshipper Colton Dixon said, “I made my castle tall / I’ve built up every wall / This is my kingdom and it needs to fall.” May God continue to bless me and give me supernatural grace to overcome my flesh, the world, and the enemy. I believe that only God can truly satisfy my every need.

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

1/12/2016: Unhappy Equilibrium

2:41am – 3:24am
I know it’s really late now but I want to share my spiritual state with you.

I just finished listening to “My Savior My God” by Aaron Shust and I am going to add that song to my favorite Christian song list. Every song in that list, I have a soul tie to. Well, I don’t know if soul tie is the right word but every song on that list applies to me, it’s personal to me, it’s a story between me and God to me. These are songs that enable and remind me to worship and praise God.

But to get back on topic, I have been struggling spiritually. This is the year of Jubilee. This is the year of second chances. This will also be a year of great turmoil for those without the blood of the Lamb. We will either be in the judgment or blessing side. What side am I on?

To give all for God and none for Me has been a very difficult journey. It was most for me and some for God. It was half for me and half for God. It was even less of me and more for God. But it is never none of me and all for Him. And I feel that my pastors, my mentor, the apostles, are saying that if I have even a little bit of rebellion, of sin, of me, what I want and need (God will provide that), then I am giving my perfume, my incense, a bad smell. I can’t hang on to both the world and to God. Actually for me, my weakness is not the world, nor the enemy, but my flesh. Yes the enemy helps out and the world doesn’t help, but my main weakness, I think, is my flesh. I have to crucify my flesh. I have to destroy it. It’s not what I want but what God wants. And I have a hard time doing it. Lying on my bed, I realized I cannot serve both my flesh and God. The Bible made that very clear. So I’m left with being stuck in the middle, an unhappy equilibrium. I don’t want to sin against God but my mind keeps attacking me. And I want to worship and spend time with God but my flesh won’t let me. If I choose to fully follow my flesh, then I will be destroyed, because I cannot survive without God. But, if I choose to fully follow God, I will be in great agony, because of my body and soul.

If I didn’t mention this before, I feel my thought process and my life is similar to Congress. My flesh occupies one side, my soul another, and my spirit yet another. And the president is there to, me, since I make the decisions, and the president wants to follow God. But, my flesh is almost always against me. My soul is with me sometimes but sometimes not. But my spirit is willing. So it turns out to be a big civil war within me. I feel paralyzed. Any choice I go will displease the other side. The only parts that are in agreement are my basic needs, like eating, using the restroom, and those kind of tasks. And when I fall to either side, the enemy of that side becomes stronger and I bounce back to my equilibrium. So I’m stuck.

In the normal world, the world God intended, the flesh serves the spirit, and the soul is renewed to help the spirit. And the spirit, of course, serves God.

Yesterday, well, I mean on Sunday, I went to the 6pm bilingual service at Ignite Movement Church. Thank God for that church! During the service, there was a time when Pastor Patty told us to come to the altar if anyone owns a business. I have investments and I felt I need to go. When I was up front waiting for one of the leaders to pray over me, I felt a voice telling me.

I heard a voice telling me that why should God prosper me if I’m a thief?

“How am I a thief?” I asked the voice.

“You are a thief because you have taken what doesn’t belong to you. You refused to be content with what God has given you. Steven, don’t take what belongs to God.”

That hit me. I have taken things that belong to God the ungodly way. I tried to use reason but even my money belongs to God. Everything I have belongs to Him. My life is His as well.

I stood there. I told God I’m sorry and that I’ll repent. Then a leader came and blessed me.

Recently, however, I am taking many things in the right direction. I reinforce my identity as God’s child, and, more just to me, God’s general. I have formed good habits as what Pastor Patty preached in youth service on Jan. 8th. When I wake up and before I sleep, I always spend time with God (more so before I sleep, though). I reinforce my identity. I am consistently developing daily and long-term goals for myself. I still have a lot of bad habits, though, but I am working on eliminating them. It just takes 21 days. :) And the fast, the congregational fast, helps. Fasting, as what my mentor said in tonight’s HOP (House of Peace and I mean last night since it’s a new day), is about being closer with God. It’s not about the petitions, it’s not about worldly things; it’s about God.

So, God can give me so much more. Many times, I limit God. I thought to myself that I can only get so much from God but that’s it. That God can’t satisfy me fully. But no. God knows me more than I know myself and He knows the desires of my heart. I just need to seek Him first.

1/11/2011: Holy Spirit Rain Down

1/11/2011: Holy Spirit Rain Down

S: 8:51pm

E: 9:05pm

I was going to go to sleep because it’s past bedtime for me, but, I told myself that before I can go to sleep, I’m going to sing a 讚美之泉 song. I randomly chose to listen to “Holy Spirit Rain Down (聖靈降下恩雨).” It is when listening to this song that I felt compelled to write a discovery. Right now, I feel my body, soul, and spirit is in another civil war, this time, civil war to let Christ live instead of me. It’s going to take time. Slowly, as I give more of me to Christ, I can feel my desires to play games and the desires of my flesh decrease.

Today, I went to a MWR trip to Kuwait! It’s my first such trip and it’s.. wonderful. I visited the National Museum, a weaving museum, and the Kuwait towers. Lunch was expensive, but so delicious! When I got back in the afternoon, however, I was spent. I decided to play some computer games after uploading my December 2009 discoveries to my blog. Uploading has been a long process partly because I have so much journals and also because it’s emotionally touching to reread my past. I can feel myself, my feeling and thoughts, and see myself from my more closer-to-God perspective.

I played Hearts of Iron, this time, as Great Britain. However, although I felt I did pretty good, I felt I wasted so much time. Coming back from the MWR trip and being spent is no excuse to play games. I should seek my comfort and strength not in games but in God. Slowly, as I try to let Christ have more and more of me, I can eventually say that it is “no longer I, but Christ” who lives in me.

And also, the ring from God arrived yesterday!!! I’m going to record that special moment when I’m ready. Hopefully it will be soon.

聖靈降下恩雨

1. 聖靈降下恩雨    潔淨醫治我

我需要你    我需要你    你來充滿我

2. 聖靈因你的愛    我願意順服

我好愛你     我好愛你      愛你的同在

(副)

充滿我     充滿我      用那溫柔的愛光照我

充滿我     來充滿我      時刻都充滿我

 

Holy Spirit Rain Down

23 June 2010

[written diary]

23 June 2010

S: 11:02pm

E:

Right now, I’m on guard duty and, as always, I’m very tired. I don’t understand why I’m so tired. Maybe it’s because of my low iron level. I’m going to the TMC to ask for iron supplements, yellow fever shot, and new glasses.

Wow, I, or we, discussed a lot of things while on guard duty. Man, I just want to write my main thoughts out. I hate this fucked up world. Maybe that’s one reason I’m seriously thinking about becoming a street preacher. Well, what am I going to preach about? How am I going to preach? I will simply trust in God to provide. I am willing to suffer the shame, pain, suffering, abuse, etc to spread the gospel. I may not know the answers, but I know God; I know Him who provides the answers.

Again, I hate this world. I hate its lust, its sin, its pleasures (esp. sex). It’s hurting innocent people, especaly children: God’s law is written to give us happiness, but man has decided to go his own way.

The many movies I watching now all teaches sin. The one thing they focus on is profits. They worship money, not God. I think one criteria to ask for any movies or media is what do they worship? The movie my battle buddies are watching now, and praise God I forgot the name, are filled with sex secenes. It’s filled with humor, sex, and other worldly values. Why are worldly values bad? It angers me to eve have to answer this question. It’s bad because you know it’s bad. Deep inside each of us, we know, thanks to our conscience, that it’s bad.

Funnyness doesn’t give any reason to do anything. Funnyness actually pleases the flesh, thus, it leads many people, unknownly, to sin. Why are so many things that are funny evil in nature?

And of course I am resisting the desires of my sinful flesh. I hate this world. I hate what this world is teaching its inhabientents. I don’t care if I get beat up or if I stutter. I will preach open-air. If I’m defeated, I take solace in the fact that I did.

Of course I have my dreams and wants, but I must must please God first. I want a girlfriend but God’s work must be done first. He knows it all.

Wow, I’m so tired. Whew. If only I have the strength to write freely, but then, If I do, I might just play computer games. So pitful am I! I must stop playing games. I have a lot of writing and catching up to do on Facebook.

Life is not about entertaining men, but angels :) .

I shouldn’t have played Bang! after church. I should have formed a group about how to reach people on the streets, and if nobody wants to or seems interested, to do it myself.

1/31/2010

1/31/2010

 

I was going to skip today’s entry but then I remembered I fell to a temptation.

The day started off good. I was planning to go to church but the person who might carpool me didn’t call. I was going to bring a few of the children books to them. Oh well, I’ll wait until next week. If all else fails, I’m just going to do a ruck march with all my children books in my rucksack to church. I have a burden to share the gospel lol.

I’m actually pretty happy that I didn’t go to church. I can worship God anywhere and spend time working uploading storybooks and music videos. I’m afraid someday, the copyright thing might catch up to me, but I will still trust in God.

When afternoon came, I felt bored. Nothing I seem to do can alleviate my fleshly desire to have some fun. In the end, I spent one hour playing flash games on the internet. It may seem okay, just one hour, but to me, that was a defeat. I forgot. I should have sang for one hour instead. Following God and doing his will is still and probably will always be a daily struggle for me, thanks to my flesh.

I find that I need to suffer for God. Suffering draws me closer to God. If I relax myself too much, I’m more prone to sin and temptation.

12/28/09: About Baptism

12/28/09: About Baptism

 

Another thing that concerns me is baptism. I would feel more comfortable if it was just Jesus, Pastor John, and me there. As private as possible because if it’s open, I’m afraid people would not attend it. I’m afraid people would judge me because so few of them would attend my baptism. That might reinforce the fact that I’m not popular, or socially adept. It might bring the “who cares about Steven” mentality.

No, the truth is, I feel hurt when I’m not treated equally as others. Only this time, it’s my fault since I was really introverted and closed to my church before I joined the Army. I don’t want to know the truth because the truth hurts. I already know I’m unpopular. I already know that nobody cares about me equally. It’s painful enough. I don’t want to see the consequences of it. There are times when I just want to give trying to be with people and kill myself since without others I cannot survive. I tried going alone in the Army and it nearly drove me crazy. I was on the verge of death until I decided to take the guts to reconnect with God’s family. I might as well know the truth before I die, but I was wrong. I received many e-mails from my church asking how I was doing. Then, when I made a facebook account, I was surprised at the results. I am a lot closer to reality now, and I know the truth. People treat me differently at church because I am still an outsider. And I probably always will be. It’s painful; another thorn I have to endure.

But then, there are many times I tell myself: who cares? The only person I need is Jesus. With God, all things are possible. I can go through life alone with Jesus. I tried it. I can’t. I still sin against God. I needed Christians to help me spiritually against the forces of darkness (esp. flesh).

This is why I’m thinking, forget it. I don’t need to be baptized here. There are too many social repercussions for me. It’s too painful. And even if the people treated me equally, I might not be able to stand it, since I wasn’t used to it. But then, life is all about stepping outside the comfort zone and trusting in God. I tell myself frequently that many times, I can’t do it, but I will do it anyways because I trust in God and God will take care of me. And yes, God did take care of me even though sometimes it was in the end.

Then, another issue is, am I ready to be baptized? God helped me so much in the Army, I cannot deny it. I can write stories after stories about what the Lord had done for me. But, I still sin against God. Many times, I still choose to follow the desires of my flesh instead of God. I would be in conflict and agony until I give up to my flesh. Then, I would be in agony again because of it. I continue to follow God, I continue to seek Him, because I need Him, and He created me. My spirit says yes, but my flesh says no.

Lastly, I”m still thinking whether to make facebook a picture of my Dorian Gray, but it could be too embarrassing for me.

12/14/09

12/14/09

S: 7:59am
E: 8:01am

Since my life is about over, I might was well be more connected to myself and, of course, with God. My life sucks, heh. Again, this world is too evil for me, my life is too hard to me, and my flesh is too weak for me. I can’t live like this. It’s too late now, its over. It’s already over.

I will just love God and be at peace with Him.

He is the first and is the last.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.

8/11/09

8/11/09

S: 7:26pm
E: 7:48pm

My mind is now bending, but I must worship God. Why is my mind bending? Because, praise God!, I have Dorcas’ e-mail address! I’m so happy, and I feel it is a mircale because just yesterday I e-mailed Kenny Wu. Just now I realized my mistake. The real Kenny from charis is Kenny Xi. Kenny Wu probably never knew me. Sigh, big mistake lol. Nevertheless, I am just glad I have another church brother join the military. I feel less alone. Praise God.

Before I talk about Dorcas, let me review the events I have today. Today is a day of rememberance. I remembered what made me great. It wasn’t my skills or talents. It’s not my looks or what I wear. What made me great is how much I trusted in God. It is following His ways, worshipping Him that made me great. And that is also what made America great. Obeying the fruits of the spirit, especally patience or longsuffering or endurance, which is what I lack, is what made me great. And not great as in great in the sight of men, but great in the sight of God. I must give glory to God. If the best I can do is just give a penny of worth to God, then let me gladly suffer toil, pain, suffering, hardship, shame to give that penny to the Lord God who created me. I am already struck down many times. I sinned against God many times. I did so much evil. So much. I failed him, but I will still do the best I can, not just with my flesh, because in my flesh I can do no good thing, but relying on God to overcome the flesh. To worship him even when my flesh says “no.” To praise him even when I don’t feel like to. To be joyful even when my situation is anything but.

What is my life, that I can plan? What plan do I have? What destiny do I have? Why am I trying to be great. In fact, why do I even try? I must stop working for the world and start working for God. I must make sure that everything I do is pleasing to God. I am not here to please myself. I am here to please God. I am here to give glory to God. I am not here to get what I want, but I am here to do God’s pleasing and perfect will.

From now on, I will forake the world, and follow God. I will no longer try, I will. I am tired of trying because in my flesh, I can do no good thing. In my flesh is weakness. I must overcome my flesh in matters that please God. When there is a need for prayer but I am tired, I must pray. I must. I must. Help me Lord to do your will. As I said eariler, it doesn’t matter if I lose every battle. What matters is that I faithfully follow the Lord. I will win the war in the end.

So forget about Dorcas. Forget about my college ambitions. Forget about trying to eat tasty food. Forget about doing questionable or evil things in the name of relieving stress. Forget about studying. Forget about everything. I need to follow God first. I need to obey him first. I need to know him completely first. He will guide me. He will lead me. Everything else will come later. Maybe not in this life, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I please and worship God.

The God who made me, who saved me, who loved me. I must decrease and he must increase. Still, if the path gets too hard, I must pray. I must ask God to help me. To deliever me. To give me strength. To give me hope. God is my everything. Everything I have is in him. It’s going to be so hard. It’s going to be so painful. So shameful. So everything bad. I must not give up. If I fail, I must die. No buts or ifs. This is it. I must follow God. I must totally serve and follow him. I will not go back another step.

But of course I will go back, of course I will mess up. But what matters is that I do not give up. That I will fight faithfully to the end. Even with the battle is so beyond me, I will still fight as long as I possibilly can with God’s help. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

PS: In evil, hard, or trying times, pray to God for help, praise him for giving you the strength to endure. In good times, when times are easy, praise God, give thanks to him. Sing to him, worship him.