1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10

S: 9:13am

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I am currently in the field, back only for showers. I’m happy, happy to know that God still loves me, and happy that I got a major burden off my chest.

Before I continue, I want to say that I will update my Facebook as soon as I can. I have a lot of things to write about, especially on Jan. 3. It’s going to be embarrassing, but, oh well, God knows everything.

Field is always hard for me, but somehow, at least so far, and I know God’s love will prevail, and even if he doesn’t, God is still there and he knows everything. I’m getting used to been treated inferiorly. I kind of thought to myself a poem that goes:

I don’t care if people mistreat me because they don’t know that God is the Judge.
I don’t care if people misunderstand me because they don’t know that God knows everything.
I don’t care if people hate me because they don’t know God’s love.
I don’t care if people make fun of me because they don’t know that God is the judge.

And I want to say:

I don’t care if I’m weak because God is strong.
I don’t care if I don’t know anything because God knows everything.
I don’t care if no one loves me because God loves me.

I was carrying a huge burden on my chest because there is a girl I’m in love with (for months) but I haven’t declared my love yet. It is such a burden that I couldn’t function normally. Right before the 10-day field event, I have to let it out and tell her, which I did. I felt so good, I felt so free. It kind of feels like when Christian knelt before the cross and his burden finally dropped. I am not going to say who, of course, I must protect her privacy and I cannot sin against God. I sent her letters that I wrote but never had the guts to send and now, I’m spending almost every free time in the field writing on my journal about her so I can type it once I get back and send it to her. It’s wonderful to be in love, but I know that she would probably reject me. She wrote back and told me that she was “shocked” and can’t “accept [my] feelings for [her],” but she “sympathizes with [me].” Mission impossible. I will still show the extent of my love unless she tells me to stop. Of course, because I must not sin against God.

Even if she says yes, I will still love God. If she says no, I will still love God. God knows everything and he already has given me so much. I’m doing this because I’m prepared. God is in heaven and I am on earth. I want to say that I will worship God even if I go to hell because he is worthy to be praised.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I tried to use my flip camera to record myself playing guitar (the songs “Hungry” and “Heaven is calling out to me”) and upload it on Facebook, but I forgot to bring the stand that comes with it. I was only able to record my face or the guitar, not both. My voice sounds okay. You know what? I don’t care if my voice sounds horrible or if I made mistakes. I’m doing this for God, not man.

Finally, after some time and thought, I’m wondering to myself why I even use Facebook. Originally, it was to give glory to God. But, after thinking to myself about it, and remembering some of the notes I wrote, I feel kind of ashamed of who I am. Do I really want people to see this? It’s me, yes, it’s truthful, yes, but should it be shared? I know there won’t be Facebook in heaven because we will all know each other lol, but how about now? What’s the point of Facebook, really? I feel the reason I use Facebook is not to completely give glory to God but so that others can “sympathize” with me and understand me. I will feel so alone without Facebook because I don’t have anyone to talk about spiritual matters and matters of the heart. But I’m trying right now ;)

I will also boot out my squad leader from FB because he’s too close for comfort. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.

10/18/09

10/18/09

S: 7:35pm
E: 7:45pm

Wow, praise God that I can finally listen to the songs of my youth. I’m so happy that I can listen to the “Land of Dreams.” It’s a mircule that I can even obtain them. And a mircule that one of my Christian brothers can upload one of the epsoides. I’m happy. I’m very thankful. Military life is hard, many times, I feel I am barely surviving, but I just trust in God. God is all I need. In relay, it isn’t as easy as I thought. “Easy” is replaced by duties and details. But thinking, planning, wondering, worrying, is “easy” because I have God. I use his Word to make decisions. I don’t have to think so much anymore because the battle belongs to the Lord. Heh, having my laptop with me makes writing about myself a lot easier. I think faster than I write, and I sometimes think faster than I type. It used to be the other way around though. It’s a good sign though, more of God and less of me.

Today, Gao called me from church. He is wondering why I didn’t go. With difficulty, I told him that I have field. He also transferred the phone to a 26 year-old girl. He told me she is very beautiful, lovely, etc. Sigh! Why?! I didn’t follow God to get a wife, but to get him. But, if these wonderful things should come on the way to the cross, then I will gladly accept it, because it is a gift from God. I talked to her, she seems friendly and interested. I am not good with girls, I never had a girl I can call my girlfriend. I tried though, but I can’t. I can’t find a way, but God can find a way. I’m just going to trust and obey God and follow his Word. Lord, help me to follow you and worship you. The field will just get harder and more painful as time goes on, but I will continue to rely on the Lord’s faithfullness. Jesus loves me and only he can save me.

10/18/2009

10/18/2009

Okay, back again for a short break from the field. Wow, praise God, I seem to be doing okay. My platoon assigned me to the 2nd crew member position, which is a muscle man’s job. I am not that strong, but I look for ways to improve efficiency. As long as I trust in God and follow him, everything will be okay. And also, I finally got my miracle package from Taiwan! It’s 睡夢鄉, a children’s Bible story I used to listen to when I was young. I loved it and I still sing many of the songs. I’m surprised Heavenly Melody sells them, and I spent so much time just trying to find them.

I need to go soon. Again, as long as I trust and obey God, everything will be okay.

10/14/09

[written diary]

10/14/09 S: 8:27pm E:

The fact is it’s awful that I did not prepare spiritually for the field. As I wrote on facebook, I chose to rebel against God. I thought to myself: if I’m going to sin against God, I might as well sin all the way. I am wrong. I have no excuses against Him. Now, I am paying the price. I hate paying the price. I want to move on, to advance spiritually with God. I must be honest with everyone on facebook because I always try to be honest with God. God, help me. Help me to obey and worship you. Guide me God. Sigh, I have to put on earphones because I am sinning against God by listening to sinful speech. Field is going to be so hard for me. I will trust in God’s faithfulness. I hope my church is praying for me. I know I am almost worthless, but I will still seek and oby God, because he is good and his love endures forever. I don’t think anyone will love me because I am underserving of love. I am just not good enough to have a wife. Look at me! I am sinful, I am not high-speed enough, I am too weak.

I guess my very life is God’s gift to me. Many times, I just don’t want to live anymore because I get no pleasure in them; and the pleasures of sin is not pleasure to me because they last only for a season.

The things I want, I cannot have. It’s painful. Sigh, I only have one choice left: to rest in His faithfulness. Heaven is my home! Because He is my hope, my life’s light. Thank you God, for your faithfulness. Each day I live is a gift from God.