1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love
Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I am currently in the field, back only for showers. I’m happy, happy to know that God still loves me, and happy that I got a major burden off my chest.
Before I continue, I want to say that I will update my Facebook as soon as I can. I have a lot of things to write about, especially on Jan. 3. It’s going to be embarrassing, but, oh well, God knows everything.
Field is always hard for me, but somehow, at least so far, and I know God’s love will prevail, and even if he doesn’t, God is still there and he knows everything. I’m getting used to been treated inferiorly. I kind of thought to myself a poem that goes:
I don’t care if people mistreat me because they don’t know that God is the Judge.
I don’t care if people misunderstand me because they don’t know that God knows everything.
I don’t care if people hate me because they don’t know God’s love.
I don’t care if people make fun of me because they don’t know that God is the judge.
And I want to say:
I don’t care if I’m weak because God is strong.
I don’t care if I don’t know anything because God knows everything.
I don’t care if no one loves me because God loves me.
I was carrying a huge burden on my chest because there is a girl I’m in love with (for months) but I haven’t declared my love yet. It is such a burden that I couldn’t function normally. Right before the 10-day field event, I have to let it out and tell her, which I did. I felt so good, I felt so free. It kind of feels like when Christian knelt before the cross and his burden finally dropped. I am not going to say who, of course, I must protect her privacy and I cannot sin against God. I sent her letters that I wrote but never had the guts to send and now, I’m spending almost every free time in the field writing on my journal about her so I can type it once I get back and send it to her. It’s wonderful to be in love, but I know that she would probably reject me. She wrote back and told me that she was “shocked” and can’t “accept [my] feelings for [her],” but she “sympathizes with [me].” Mission impossible. I will still show the extent of my love unless she tells me to stop. Of course, because I must not sin against God.
Even if she says yes, I will still love God. If she says no, I will still love God. God knows everything and he already has given me so much. I’m doing this because I’m prepared. God is in heaven and I am on earth. I want to say that I will worship God even if I go to hell because he is worthy to be praised.
Oh yeah, before I forget. I tried to use my flip camera to record myself playing guitar (the songs “Hungry” and “Heaven is calling out to me”) and upload it on Facebook, but I forgot to bring the stand that comes with it. I was only able to record my face or the guitar, not both. My voice sounds okay. You know what? I don’t care if my voice sounds horrible or if I made mistakes. I’m doing this for God, not man.
Finally, after some time and thought, I’m wondering to myself why I even use Facebook. Originally, it was to give glory to God. But, after thinking to myself about it, and remembering some of the notes I wrote, I feel kind of ashamed of who I am. Do I really want people to see this? It’s me, yes, it’s truthful, yes, but should it be shared? I know there won’t be Facebook in heaven because we will all know each other lol, but how about now? What’s the point of Facebook, really? I feel the reason I use Facebook is not to completely give glory to God but so that others can “sympathize” with me and understand me. I will feel so alone without Facebook because I don’t have anyone to talk about spiritual matters and matters of the heart. But I’m trying right now ;)
I will also boot out my squad leader from FB because he’s too close for comfort. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.