7/18/2013: To get a girlfriend or not

7/18/2013: To get a girlfriend or not

S: 9:34am
E: 10:03am

This piece is more addressed to you, Steven. As with almost all my writing or thinkings, not everything I write at a set point will convey 100% of my thoughts. At best, this may just be the tip of an iceberg.

The most important thing is developing your life philosophy. And what’s more important than that is it must be centered on God. God is the strongest force in the universe. Satan is the second. And everything else imagined or created by humans is third. And the ranking is not relative. God is much stronger than Satan and Satan is much stronger than what we can conceive. Without God, we will all lose in the end.

In my bed last night, I struggled with self-identity. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to just ignore everyone except God and to just make a living and give money. After all, I suck being social even though I tried many, many times. But that is beyond the point of this blog. Another part of me, the second part, wants me to live like a godly man, like I did back in my latter days in the Army. To ask God and keep asking Him for strength, courage, and wisdom. The three magical words. But the most important is to live with wisdom. If I mess up and I know I will mess up, many times, I’m just going to learn, pray, talk to God, just endure and carry on. What matters is my heart, my goal is in the right place.

But I cannot do that if I choose to withdraw from the world. I cannot choose both. So, since Satan and its forces are the second strongest, anything I create will only be in third place. Not enough. I must then, follow God.

It sucks to stand alone, to be alone, to fight alone. I will fall more easily. But, again, as long as I have Jesus Inside (the T-shirt I’m wearing right now :) ), I’ll still be okay. Gosh, I have a lot more other topics to write about but I need to stay focused.

To get a girlfriend or not. More like to try to get a girlfriend or not. I have been struggling with this issue from almost the beginning and I want to contribute my experience and life on this issue.

As I wrote earlier, the most important issue is not whether to actively find a girlfriend or not, but to choose Jesus. The second most important, and they are not relative to each other, might be finding a life-mate. I have been doing periodic research and intense thinking. I have watched “tutorials” on what to do and so forth. My conclusions are, Steven, that the gold-lining is just to be yourself with God. If a girl comes your way; if God gives you a wife, then amen, so be it. But if not, then you can ask God for a girlfriend, just as Christians tell God of our feelings, but if He doesn’t give you one, then so be it. Your love for Him must not be less or more if He does decide to give you one.

The Bible says that not having a wife is better than having a bad wife (Proverbs 21:9 AND Proverbs 25:24). And I can partly see why. There are disadvantages to having a girlfriend:

(in no particular order)

1) Less time spent on God (Unless your Eve wants to spend as much time with God, too, but even that, there is still less potential time spent on God).
2) Increased cost of maintenance and increased cost in general (Unless you find a thrifty wife such as having dual income, and so forth, but that is the exception).
3) The inevitable fights you will have with your partner (Nobody is perfect, save God).

The benefits of being single (if you can and forgive me if I repeat myself):

1) Less distractions or worries in life.
2) Can spend more time on God.
3) More control of my finances and can save more money.
4) Can have a lower standard of living (such as living in a studio or small house or if I do choose to live in a family house, I have more space so thus, I can have a higher standard of living. Of course, there are exceptions. I’m just writing in general.).
5) Not having to worry about courting or the mating process (Seriously, there are books and books on it. Useless knowledge.).
6) More freedom. (Kind of relates to #1, but I’ll write it as its own.)

Ok, my time is up. I need to get ready for class. But, if you do choose this track, you need not only to be dedicated, but to have some kind of countermeasure just in case your desire gets the better of you. I’m talking about godly countermeasures. Having special dates with God is a good start, but I need to be more creative.

12/16/2010: The Ten Commandments

S: 6:23pm

E: 6:44pm

I don’t have a lot of time but I really wanted to write this so I won’t lose my thoughts. I am a little over half-way done watching The Ten Commandments. I promised a soldier that I will watch it when I was on guard but, until now, never did. He kept reminding me and bothering me until I finally promised him (I already promised him that I will watch it) that I will watch it tonight. Well, night came and I didn’t watch it. That was awful of me. I can’t believe I broke a promise. For me, I have my own timetable. I promised him that I will watch the movie, but it will be on my timing, and I would like to say that my timing is dependent on God’s. I simply didn’t feel the urge to watch the movie. Until now, until today. The soldier came and told me, “Yeh, if you don’t watch the movie and give me a review of it by tomorrow, I will beat you up..” Wow, what words. So, out of fear, I finally watched it.

And it was wonderful. It was great. One thing I feel I want to teach to everyone. God made Moses a prince of Egypt. If Moses wanted to, he can easily be Pharaoh. Moses eventually knew his fate and his upbringing. One may ask, why don’t become Pharaoh and use his human position and power to “let my people go?” The answer is not easy to accept, but God has his own plan to set his people free. It is not by human power or strength that the Lord saves, but through His will. Moses chose not to serve man or anything of man, including his nation, but he chose to follow God’s leading. Moses chose to follow the heavenly kingdom.

I am currently reading The Invisible War by Chip Ingram and he tells me that there is an unseen world, a spirit world. Thanks to Bible stories he tells, I know that the unseen is greater than the seen. When Elisha was surrounded by Aram’s armies, he told his servant, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (2 Kings 6:16). What was he doing? Can’t he see the obvious? It turns out that he is seeing the obvious. When his servant’s eyes were opened, he saw the unseen armies of God. The armies of Aram were blinded, led like sheep to Israel’s army, and destroyed.

Matthew 26:52 “Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.

53 Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?

Jesus is the Son of God and Christ of God. He, at his power, can summon up heavenly armies to destroy the mob that was going to capture Him, but He chose not to follow His will, but His Father’s just as Moses chose to follow God’s plan instead of his plan.

The book reaffirms me that the unseen world and the spirit world is real. There is a cosmic battle between good and evil, and although good has already won, evil is still fighting a losing battle. We might put on the whole Armor of God to fight and take a stand.

Help me Lord, to live by faith and to believe on what is unseen. Help me not to be drawn by the things of this world but by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:12).

It is very easy for anyone, since we are born in the flesh, to focus on what is seen. To focus on pleasure, looks, comfort, material things, and the splendor of this world, but God is asking us to put faith on what is unseen. To put faith on His son, Jesus, to put on “righteousness as [our] clothing” (Job 29:14), and to put on the whole Armor of God. God took away all Job had but because he placed his trust in what is unseen, in God, God gave him everything back and more. When we pray or do spiritual things, we must do them without regard of earthly consequences. God has His own time, He has His own plan, and He knows it all.

看見復興 by 讚美之泉






呼喊吧  神的百姓  呼喊吧




呼喊吧  神的百姓  呼喊吧




Wow, I feel like a fool. I thought the chorus meant, “Bu hai pa (Don’t be afraid).” Oops, but oh well. It’s hard to make promises. Today, I promised God that I will spent at least 2 hours on Him and it has to be my firstfruits of my time. Acutally, it was the rest of today, but I changed it to 2 hours because I knew I couldn’t keep it. Shortly after that, our section got off! I went to my room and started reading Chip Ingram’s book, but shortly, I found myself thinking of doing other things. Near the end of the first hour, I placed my chair (I was sitting while reading) back in front of my laptop and was going to go on OkCupid when my sergeant came and told me to follow him. Wow! I followed him, in shock and asking God’s forgiveness. He went to Davis’ area and told us there is some additional work to do. During our short break for lunch, I went back to my room and prayed, asking God for forgiveness. I knew this was from Him. I broke my promise. I sat down on my chair, trying to squeeze in some sleep when I decided to listen to some 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise) music. The first song I listened to, at random was the song above. It gave me strength to not give up and continue to follow God. I mess up, I’m weak, but I must still “get up and win the race.” Shortly after that, some guys came in and told us if we give him the keys they can do our job for us. Overjoyed, we gave him the keys and I get to spend my first full hour for God (added 30-minute penalty). That song lifted my spirit up and gave me strength to continue to trust in Him and not give up.

PS: I actually chose that album because the cover has a green leaf on it and since my last name 葉 means leaf… oh well.




I need to write quick. I can’t waste too much time. Time is so precious.

Today I went paint balling! Yay! I actually don’t really want to go because I have so much Christian work to do, but I made a promise, so I had to. The paint balling is actually fun. I went with my sergeant.

Because it was my first time playing, I was kind of nervous. Sure, I shot a M16 before, but I’m still nervous. I bombarded my sergeant with tons of questions. I find that I was playing kind of aggressive, which kind of surprised myself. I would move up under cover if possible and try to open as many fronts to the enemy as possible. I try to flank and got a few “surrenders.” The entire time playing, I played by faith and it went well. I should have been more aggressive though. And yes, I was shot too many times.

I need to upload as much Christian songs and stories as possible. I selected 11 睡夢鄉 that are really good and want to post along with other children Christian music and the rest of The Exodus. I’m also studying for my CLEP on American Government. It’s easy but I just need time. And with all that, I have to prepare for deployment. So many things arrgh! It’s okay. One thing I will always find time for is my relationship with God. With God, time doesn’t matter, because it is in His hands.

I need to be careful not to fall into temptation. If I fall, it will take me at least a few days to get back up (from experience). Like a paintball game, I need to watch if any sins is sneaking up on me. As long as I trust in God and live by faith, I will be okay.


I finally got internet again. Praise God! I really don’t know who I’m writing these notes to. Many times, I would have so much things to write about and say but when it comes to an opportunity, like this, I suddenly grow afraid. If God knows everything, why am I writing this? I think writing this is a good way for me to be connected to God’s family, but…. I might just keep my privacy settings to “only me” so facebook would be for myself and I won’t be afraid.

I am reading “21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Dave Early (one of the books I brought at the PX). I am currently at reason number 8, but reading this book so inspires me and it touches my heart. Many of the reasons why bad things happen to good people pertains to me. I began to understand formally why suffering is such a good thing. Before, in basic and AIT, I suffered everyday harshly, yet, it was during those times when I was close to God. Now, I’m also suffering everyday. Yes, everyday is a life-threating day for me, yet, I have faith, and with faith, I am happy. I praise God that I can be happy, to smile, under harsh conditions. When my platoon had extra things to do, I wasn’t angry, many soldiers in my platoon are, but I wasn’t. I was at peace and content because I know God is watching over me. I know God knows and feels my pain. I am happy to know that I have an intercessor whom I can turn to. God knows pain because Jesus felt the ultimate pain by dying on the cross for our sins.

I must have more faith. Everyday is a day of faith. Everyday requires me to have faith. Faith to live my life to the fullest knowing that God is taking care of me. During my early days in this unit, the one fruit I kept focusing on is patience, is endurance. I had to learn to endure the harshness of life, to just trust in God. I believe now, it’s about faith. I must have faith that no matter what happens, God is in control.

Like today. Yesterday, our platoon did heavy work and most of us were tired and grumbling. I think they shouldn’t grumble. They are much stronger physically than me. When I start to grumble, it is for real. I feel ready to give up. I really feel pain, but I refuse to let others know. I’m afraid what might happen to me if I express my weaknesses. They may misjudge me. The only person that needs to know my pain and my weaknesses is God. Now today, our platoon had to help others out, since we got ours done early. I felt tired and stressed out. Many soldiers in my platoon were also grumbling too. I kept saying to God, “Lord, I love you and you are my God, but this is just too hard/much for me.” I cried and asked God to help me. I refuse and cannot blame God. It’s not his fault, it’s mine because I am just so weak. It was during that time when things became better. I was able to find time to rest in my room (legally because everyone else thinks I’m still at a meeting) and I was able to get internet again from a soldier in my platoon. Three weeks before deployment and he still chooses to order internet? I don’t understand, but, praise God. I was able to update ALL my 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) Chinese children Christian song into youtube. Hey, I promised to post at least one song per day, but since I didn’t have internet, I was making Christian videos all the time. I still have a few select Land of Dream storybooks to upload. Wow, it is such a wonderful pleasure to be able to do God’s work. It is such a blessing. I feel so happy listening to the songs of my youth, but happier still, that I’m able to share them. I received an e-mail telling me that the particular series wasn’t available in Singapore. Praise God.

So please, if you can understand Chinese, visit carbon191’s channel (me) and listen to some Chinese Christian children songs. They are wonderful.

I am still very weak, but God is helping me everyday. I want to suffer now. Suffering is a good thing because it draws me closer to God. It develops my character. It makes me a more mature Christian. It allows me to grow. God is near the broken-hearted. Amen. By saying I want to suffer, that’s wrong. I don’t want to suffer, but if suffering allows me to be a better Christian, than so be it. As long as God is watching me, even though at times, it may not seem so, I want to say that I am willing to suffer.

23 Jan 2010

23 Jan 2010

I need to stop reacting negatively when people treat me inferiorly. I need to submit to God and let Him be the judge. We are all inferior to God. The Bible says there is no one who does good. People are trying to think they are part of the “elite” class, they try to rely on their own strength and smarts. Their strength is limited, but if I trust in God, my strength will be unlimited. With a donkey’s jawbone, I can make donkeys of them. Amen. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen.

25 Jan 2010

These days are hard for me. It’s hard to do both God’s work and man’s work at the same time. I get tired; I don’t get enough rest. During the work day, of course I do the best I can. The Bible says pretend I’m not working for man but working for God. I always try to volunteer, try to be useful, but it’s tough. Few days ago, I was so discouraged that I prayed that the girl I love could send me a message. I don’t care how. Either by e-mail, phone call, etc. Everyday, I feel God gives me just enough. Just like basic training. It was awful. I would hate to go back to that time. When I came back to my room, I found that my internet is down! I later found out that the friend I’m using the internet from, is ETSing (leaving) tomorrow. I knew about that, but I didn’t know it was that soon. So, I’m stuck without internet, and have to rely occasionally from my friends or bike to a CeeZee café. It’s okay, cause I’m still pumping out music videos for God. I have a lot to do and not so much time.

I feel writing more is wasting time, but I’m going to the range next week to qualify for my weapon (M16). I shot sharpshooter in basic. I was very surprised that I shot sharpshooter. In basic, I suck at everything lol. It’s awful. I feel all someone needs is a cocky attitude towards me and he wins. The drill sergeants were so surprised that I shot a sharpshooter that they thought my babysitter shot the targets for me. He was pissed off too, because he didn’t pass and he denied that he was helping me. Who wants to help me anyways? Only God can help me. So we took the qualifying test again and I got sharpshooter again. My babysitter passed this time; he got a marksman. When I was shooting, I knew I have to shoot by faith. I was wearing two glasses: my normal civilian glasses and my eye protection. Due to that, I can’t see clearly. The eye pro presses against my eye brows which causes sweat to drip down my glasses. It gets even worse to see through the tiny sight picture. To make matters worse, I still have some double vision, despite my surgery when I was a child. My eyes now just LOOK normal. I get a little nervous every time I go to get my eyes checked. I prayed that the doctor won’t notice my double vision and so far, they haven’t. My whole military life teaches me that I can’t trust or depend on my own strength. I would be dead by now. I have to rely on God. I was born 3 months premature. I would have died, but  no, God saved me.

I also feel everyday is a life-threatening day for me. God saved my life everyday. I need to be happy when I’m weak because when I’m weak, then I’m strong.




Hello everyone!

I’m only back for a few minutes. Heh, it’s nice being the driver for a humvee; I get to go back to the rear more often, but the bad thing is I have to drive more. I used to hate driving, I would much rather ride my bike. Now, my attitudes are changing.

I’m trying not to be afraid of what other people think of me. The only person I am trying to please is God. I only fear God.

Field is getting tougher especially towards the end. Many times, I would ask God to make it easier for me and He did make it easier. There are times when I just want to give up cause there’s so much bullshit (excuse me), but it is when I am on the verge when God arrives to help me. I need to have faith. I need to have more faith that God will help me, that he will not give me anything beyond what I can bear. With faith, I can move mountains!

Singing Chinese Christian songs really help me to get through my day. It gives me hope and makes me feel better. Of course, I try not to sing it aloud.



S: 9:20am
E: 9:44am +

I’m writing things that will never be read. Well, maybe. Anywas, life is just so depressing. It’s too hard for me. Too much stress, too much trials, suffering, temptations, and shame. And not enough support. I can’t go through life alone. I can never go through it alone. I have to go through life with Jesus, but my faith is just too weak. I hate myself. I already told myself. If I fail to trust and have faith in God, and if it is too late to change my past, I am just going to kill myself. To die would be a sweet release. A sweet refrain. A permerant rest. At least I don’t have to hear the slave driver’s shout, and the weary will be at rest. The dead are happier than the living, what is this fultile life I”m living under the sun? I am doing nothing good, just evil. To do good and live, that would be a gift from God. I want to contribute to help this world for good, but life is beating me down. I just want to die. What is the point to live? It seems all the girls of my youth run from me. Nobody wants to be with me anymore. Life is pointless, life is fuitle if lived alone. It is fultile if lived for the self. I hate to serve myself, to live for myself, but I do it because I have no other choice. My flesh is too strong. It needs to be weak. It must be weak. Not my physical though. Heh. If I am too physically weak, if I am just too weak to do anything, then what difference is death? Life is pointless if I have no hope. I am just a big drainage tank to God. I betrayed Him so many times. Forget it! I am nothing, I am worthless. I give up. I lost. I surrender. I surrender! There’s no point to live anymore. I’m sorry, but life is just too hard. I have too many weaknesses and not enough strengths. Sure, I may have hidden strengths, but I don’t see them and they don’t help me to live. O, I wish I can go to the day of my death! WHat happy refrain! To die is better than to be born, for death is the destiny of every man. I’m nothing to God, I’m just totally useless. I will just do this little work that God has set for me: to post songs on youtube and send those children songs to that Sunday school teacher and that’s it. I will put a mask when I talk to other people. I will just be a logical shell of myself. Why? Because I am useless, I am hopeless. I am just too weak to live. Nobody loves me enough to want to take care of me. I just want to die. Please, I just want to die. Forget about oppertunties. What oppertunties do I have? WHat am I trying to strive for? The only thing my spiritual body want to do is to serve God. But, I’m sorry, I am just too weak. I.. people.. people just shames me, they will just hurt me, I think back about how much I have lost when I interact with people. Therefore, I will just treat them like business. It will be completely logical. I am preparing for my death. I hope I am already dead. I don’t want to come back home. I just want to die. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t care enough about me when I’m alive. ANd yes, its also my fault. They isolated way I was brought up. I was born to be a failure. Utterly useless! I don’t care anymore. This world has nothing for me. This world has nothing for me. I hate this world and its enticements and its desires and its longings and its sins. I can’t stand it anymore! I am just too weak. Stupid stupid flesh! Lol. I’m leaving and that is an answer. No, I am really leaving. From now on, I’m just going to put on my logical mask, heh, its one of the only mask that I have, thanks to my isolation. I will use my parent’s car and drive to my death. It will be at a hotel not too far from home. Why a hotel? Because it’s convient and the owner won’t know who I really am. And also, in a spiritual sense, a dying at a hotel makes sense (at a one-star or as low as possible of course). I am just a prligim in this world. My home is not in this world, but in heaven. But, even if it is not my time yet, I don’t care. Life on earth is just too hard for me. If I’m rejected in heaven, or judged when I wake up again, then so be it. Let God be the judge. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. If I go to the firely pit then so be it, this world is just too painful and sorrowful for me. I’m going to check in on earth and check out once I get to heaven. I hope I have the willpower to do this and not let the lures of this world to detract me. This is my chance, and I need to make it my only chance.

Of course, I will still do my best to worship and serve God not because I’m making my peace with Him, but because He is worthy. He is worthy of all praise. I hope I have the willpower to die in this everlasting arms, but if I can’t then cursed be my flesh. I will still depart from this sinful, hard world. A world that makes me think about sucide almost everyday. It’s okay, because I have heard of a land. I have heard of a land, in a far away strand. Tis a beautiful home of the soul. Built my Jesus on high, where we never shall die, in a land where we’ll never grow old.

12 Dec 2009

12 Dec 2009


I’m never a master of this world. Worldly matters is always my weakness. Like today, when someone calls to ask for my dad, I told him everything he wanted but asked nothing back, not even his name. Lack of basic counter-intelligence measures. In this day and age I have to implement these measures because this world is so evil. I really can’t wait for the millennium kingdom to come. Or when the gardener came to collect his due. I paid the money, but I was a little too nice to him. I showered him with niceness and I felt he mostly ignored me.

It saddens and angers me that I have to spend so much of my mental capacity (and even trying to spell that word takes time, sigh) on these necessary worldly matters. I don’t know. Some people are just more gifted in these matters; they have more street smarts. Again, I just have to trust in God to take care of me.

In the military, it’s the same thing. I would lack situational awareness. I wouldn’t know what’s going on. When a NCO says something to a group, I would be the only one not understanding it. When it comes to doing basic tasks that are necessary in this world (changing oil, fluid, getting stuff out, PT, D&C [drill and ceremonies], driving, etc), I would either take longer, or be confused on how to do it. That was my life in basic training, and that’s why I had a babysitter to help me. Now, I still have these problems, but to a lesser extent. Praise God, that He’s helping me bridge the gap.

I just have to have faith and trust in God in these frustrations of daily life.



S: 2100
E: 2132

Wow, Ray just gave me a good perspective. Doing my best isn’t enough. Trusting and following God is.

“Even if you could do far better than you are doing now, you still can’t do well enough because you don’t please God by being good (Gal. 2:21), but by trusting Jesus (John 1:12).”

It is not by works, not by yourself that you can go to heaven, but by trusting and having faith in Jesus.

Lord, forgive me sins. I wasted my weekend playing games and checking porn. I blew it again. I messed up again. I justified to myself that it is becasue I have no friends, no one who loves me, to help me and prevent me from sinning against you. I look at everyone else and they all seem so prosperous and well-off. They have so many friends, and they also have their soulmates. But not me. It seems like everyone except me, so I justified to myself that I’m just born this way. Look at my past, and see how anti-social my past is. But still, you will still give me my daily bread. Lord, forgive me and how me to joyfully worship you again everyday.



Today, I went to a Chinese/English church!!! I Google mapped the route and memorized how to get there. I am going by bike. I thought it was only going to take me 30 or 40 min to get there, since it was only 5.4 miles away, but I was wrong. It took me an hour and 40 minutes to get there, here is my amazing story.

I left at 10:20am (service starts at 11am), and the first third of my route was good. When I reached Pershing St., I thought I looped around, but instead, I went on a wrong street. Initially, I thought I would eventually reach Pershing St. again, but I was wrong. I had to backtrack. Then, when I was travelling on Pershing, I thought I was going the wrong way, so I U-turned, and kept going until I reached a dead-end. So I U-turned again and 4 miles later, I reached the other dead-end of Pershing. Yes, google map told me to take Pershing all the way to Rosewood, which is almost to the church. Wow, so I U-turned and decided to follow my intuition. I must go by faith and not by sight. I exited the base, and headed south-west, where the church is supposed to be. I wrote down some street names I was supposed to cross, but I didn’t see any. I thought how foolish I am, I’m not even on Pershing! But, I was stubborn and really wanted to go to church to worship God. I kept going and I was just about to give up until I saw a church I remembered going through last week. I kept on that route, knowing that if I get lost, I can just go the other way and then go back to base. I kept going, but I didn’t know where I was going. I was just about to give up until I saw an elderly couple. I decided to stop and ask them for help. Initially, they talked to be in Spanish. The woman asked if I speak Spanish in Spanish, so I told her I can’t speak Spanish in Spanish. I was just about to give up until the gentleman asked me if I need any money. They are very old and are hard of hearing. I told them no and then asked how to get to Grant Ave., the street the church is on. After some difficulty, he finally gave me the directions, but I didn’t understand it clearly. I went on; glad that at least I have some guidance. And I was just about to give up until I saw the railroad tracks (he mentioned going through the tracks). Then, I saw Grant Ave. My heart pounded, I was so happy! Praise God! But, I was like 800 addresses away, so I continued going. Nevertheless, I eventually reached there, excited but a little tired. I learned to walk by faith and not by sight, to trust in God and not in man.