11/13/2016: MDWG

11/13/2016: MDWG

10:35pm – 11:13pm (session continues)

God, I come before you to say thank you. To say that You are my father and my defender. When temptation comes, you gave me strength and knowledge and wisdom to delay and to think, to think about You. I have Your blood. Thank You God. What matters, O Lord, is that I try, my life is all about trying, trying to seek You, trying to love You, trying to pick up my sword and fight for love. I fail a lot, many times, most of the times, almost all the time, and I gave up many times, many many times, but I still try. To me, O Lord, life is about trying. Lead us O Lord, lead us to You. Continue to teach us wisdom and knowledge and your love.

Father God, people may leave me, but you never leave me nor forsake me. All I need in life, O Lord, is You. Just lay me down, you fill me up to pour me out.

You give people their destinies.

God, I come before you to worship You O God. I do not know how much time I have left. I don’t know how much time we have left. But however much time that we have, may we maximize our time with You, O Lord. You don’t give your heart in pieces. I thank You God. You gave it all O Lord. Thank You. My time here on earth is limited, it is but a span. I do not know what’s going to happen in this world or my life, but You hold the whole world in Your hands. You change everything O Lord. Thank you. You are not a man who should lie. You gave your whole heart. Thank you Jesus. It’s not in your nature to withhold from me.

Help us not to thank You for granted. Not to take peace for granted. Not to take freedom for granted. Not to take Bethel, my fellow Christian brothers and sisters, my church, for granted. Help me Lord, not to take my current situation or future situations for granted. Each day is a gift from You. Thank You Jesus.

You love me because. Help me to be my best in You. Thank you Jesus, thank you God. It’s not in Your nature to withhold from me. God, may You bless my church, may You bless my Christian brothers and sisters. May you bless this world, this country, this nation, and all the countries of this world. You are coming for them. You are coming for all of them. You are gathering broken hearts, broken minds, broken pieces to You O God. You are mending us again. You are coming for us. You are coming for us. Thank You Jesus.

Give us hearts that love You, hearts that seek You. Give us hearts that know You. You are not a God who hides. Thank You Jesus. We made mistakes, I made mistakes, I envied the proud, I envied those who are without restraint. I know O Lord, that seek You, that spending time with You, should be our number one thing. You should be our one thing.

You are not here to tease us; You are here to love us. You are the God that keeps Your word, that keeps your promises. Thank You God, thank you Jesus. Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Thank you God for making us precious, so precious. Who are we to judge, O Lord, on who we should love or love more. Everyone is your creation; everyone is your beloved. Thank You God, thank you Father.

Thank you Father for your mercy. Thank you God for your grace. You are changing everything. You are changing me. You are changing everyone. Thank you Jesus, thank you God.

Heal my mind, heal my heart, heal my soul, heal my spirit, and heal us O Lord. Heal us. Heal our nation. Heal this world. Thank You Jesus, thank you God. You are a loving God and loving Father. Thank you Jesus, you are wonderful and you are great. You are almighty. You give us hope. You give us future. This poor man called, and you healed him. This poor man called, and you answered. You are the God who answers prayer. You are the God who loves us. You are the God who is in control. You just love us because.

(session continues)
Song: I’m a Mess – Bethel, You Laid Aside Your Majesty- Derri Daugherty, Pieces- Bethel,




8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

S: 12:12am
E: 1:01am

So to continue my written entry through typing, I want to ask myself a question, a obvious question. Why am I looking for a girlfriend? Because I need one. Why do I need one? Because a girlfriend, a soulmate gives me companionship. She can satisify me soulically, physically, mentally, and probably spiritually, if we worship and devote to God together.

I feel like I am cursed. I feel like I am cursed by God and scorned by men. I have the mark of Cain. I don’t understand why? I eagerly try to follow God and this is where it has brought me. Of course I mess up; of course I fail, but I always try to get back up on my feet. Being generous has given me poverty. Trying to love others has given me hate. I told myself that if other people were to love me half as much as I loved them, I would be like a hero. I would had no problems. Trying to follow God has given me suffering. But, you know, the funny thing is I’m still going to love God. Despite all this pain and conceived disadvantages, I’m still going to follow Him. Why? Because I know He is real and I know He has helped me before. I experienced Him in the Army. Despite my fallen state, despite my church-less state, I’m still going to be loyal to Him. I left my church because I felt angry at God for not helping me and giving me support. I want to serve my church; I want to serve Him, not for me but for His Glory. But, I wasn’t given the opportunity, and when opportunity does come, He did not give me the help and the resources to capitalize on the opportunity. I tried, I asked God for help. I feel, deep inside, that I can do more, so much more, if only I have the right kind of support and love. I am like a plant who cannot reach its full potential because it does not receive the right amount of nutrients. I tried to make them myself. I tried to synthize them. I tried to ask God for them. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Why? Why is it that I don’t have a girlfriend? I am willing to die for her, just as Christ died on the cross for us. I am willing to give everything I have, my life, I am willing to change myself for her. I would serve her, of course, we would serve God first. I am willing to give so much love, to do so much if only, if only someone could be my girlfriend, my soulmate, my future wife.

What does it take? Do I need to bring a gun to her head and say “be my girlfriend” for her to be my girlfriend? I have tried for so long and I don’t know what to do. I hate to do evil but I feel that if no one loves me and cares about me, then I would rather just go out with a bang. I would excute my evil Samson Option. If I cannot love them and serve them even though I wanted to, then I will have no choice but to do evil. I want to teach them a lesson of what lack of love can do to a person. Look at Frankenstein. He was just a gentle and kind beast. But everyone in the story hated him and ran away from him. He travelled everywhere to find love but found none. He was forced to kill to protect himself. I feel like people are treating me like Frankenstein. I love people; I am willing to die for them, if only they love and care about me. If only a girl can share her life with me. Adam’s first human contact was not with another man, but with his future wife.

It is because of love that I chose to be a social worker. It is because of love that I volunteered for my church. It is because of love that I decided to push myself to be a better person. But if all my efforts are in vain, to love and be loved, then, like Frankenstein, I will have no choice but to do evil to survive. But that is as a last resort. I want to do good, not evil. And whatever I do, I know God will be my ultimate judge.

Coming back from Los Angeles, I brought most of my old journals with me. And a key theme, a key element of my entries is my desperation to find a girlfriend. What I am feeling then, back in 2006, back in 2003, is what I am also feeling now.

I don’t want to improve myself because no one loves me (unconditional love has much greater weight). I don’t want to improve myself just for the sake of self. I want to improve myself for myself so I can help others. But if I cannot help others because I don’t receive enough love, then life would be horrible for me. I would rather not live. I would have no motivation to live life. The reason why I’m playing so much computer games is because in those games, I can contribute, I can help. I am able to use my full potential to help others in that game. In Caesar 3, I am able to build my city so it can prosper and make others happy. In Battle Conquest, I fight the good side so I can push back the Armies of Darkness. I gain satisfaction from them because I am contributing something. If I cannot contribute good in this world then I would have to contribute evil. But I don’t want to so I must go out with a bang. I must end my life and probably the life of others so this world may learn what a lack of love can do to a person, to a person who actually wants to give the opposite.

And I feel, after writing this, that some girl might feel pity on me and may want to marry me. But I don’t want a girl to love me based on pity. My mom told me, before she divorced my dad, that she married him partly because she felt sorry for him. But that was a big mistake. I want a girl to love me, to marry me because she loves God and loves the way I am.

I am thinking of a Chinese Christian song that I learned from my church choir. I can’t write Chinese and I don’t know all the lyrics but here it is:

Wei le ai, ta lai dao shi xie shang (Because of love, He came to earth)

Wei le ai, ta bei ding shi zi jia (Because of love, He was nailed on the Cross)
Ta di ai, shi shi jie you pang wong. (His love, gave this world hope)

And it’s true. Because of God’s love, I have hope.



S: 5:28pm
E: 6:26pm

Today I want, I mean I need to write my lab notebook but in order to do so, I need to get some personal thoughts out of the way.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I feel so alone, so unloved. I need more social; I found that out. Playing games is actually a desire to be with people. If I can be with people, if my social is satisified, then I wouldn’t play any games. Mostly. My mind is a bit dizzy right now and I feel sad and angry at the same time. Part of me wants to play games again because at least in those games, I can chat with people. I can work with members from my guild. I find that I’m playing games more for the social aspect.

People may think I’m like an angel, that I follow God all the time. Well, I don’t. In fact, judging the past few weeks, I follow my flesh more than I follow God. Are people going to blame me; Are people going to judging me? Well, fuck you then. We all mess up and being in near isolation is painful.

I’m glad I get to hang out with my youth group. I was actually very close to not going because, due to my loniness, I feel that no one loves me and I was going to say to them all “fuck you.” One of the X-Files theme is to “Trust No One,” and I feel that it is true. I know this is like a “We are not who we are…” post but I am just trying to be honest with myself.

That is what I’m trying to do with Facebook but it’s so hard because I’m afraid that my many “friends” would read me and judge me. I can’t even be myself; that is painful. Well, I could be myself, if I decide to go suicidal but I’m not at that point yet :). Well, mostly.

I am like a person who tries in life but still fail. Others try and succeed. Why is it that others succeed when I fail. We both tried. If this was natural selection, I should have killed myself. My life is useless and pointless. Being in the Army proves that. I suck; I can’t do shit. When I was in basic training, I had to have a baby-sitter next to me. I was like Gomer Pyle only with one difference: I also have God. It is God who carried me through. But why should I continue to live? Why should I prolong my suffering, my shame?

I was this close to saying “fuck you I’m not going to see [the youths] again and I’m not coming to church again.] I cannot trust people. Nobody loves me. I tried but still, I failed. I might as well live my pitiful existence with God alone. He’s the only One I can trust.

By helping Danny, I find that I am just like Danny. And that is why I can and want to help him.

Our youth group played “Mafia” during our reunion. What is not so funny is I almost played Mafia in real life. Anna and I thought about this game and together we implemented it. She would have to shoot me :p. But I remember that arm-wrestle I had and how Brother Lawton came and made Anna win. Why did he help her? Her left hand is stronger than mine. So I know that I will not win. God will be the judge.

The children’s series of Stream of Praise (讚美之泉) steadied my heart a little bit. I love their songs. One way that can fill some of my social hole is to sing-along with Christian songs and that is what I am doing nearly every night. I close my eyes and pretend I am singing these songs to God. I let the holy music flow through me. Sometime I imagine that I am really there at the concert and we are singing this together. Singing these songs can substitute some of my social isolation, but not all of it; Only the real thing can fill it.

Ok bitch, some of the social isolation is my fault but I couldn’t help it. I thought playing games can satisfy my loneness. I thought I am a special case and I don’t need people. But I did make many attempts to be with people and, to me, that is a big step.

I guess writing this helped me to feel better and once I publish it, I will feel more better because people can read it and see how I feel.

One thing I want to praise God about is getting in my classes. I went to UTEP yesterday because it is the first day of class. Mi primero clase es biologia laboatorio. Esto una credito clase. Vengo mi clase pero mi clase es mañana! Pero, mi profesor decirme a quedarse. Ok, back to English. My Spanish still needs practice. I’m done with Spanish 1301 (first-year) and I got a good grade but only because I was helped. The tests are open-book. If I submit an online assignment three time in a row, it will give me the answers. So I spent some time reviewing, actually more learning, from my old Spanish book. This summer, I’m taking Spanish 1302. Anyways, back to the story. I came to my Biology lab class but I realized that I came to the wrong class! The professor told me to stay and he’ll give me credit for my Tuesday Thursday class. So I’m happy.

After my Biology class, is my Spanish class, which is every day. However, I found that the class was cancelled because not enough students signed up. I went to student registrations and, praise God, I was able to find another Spanish 1302 class and another Biology class. I thought since summer already started that there will be no openings but there was. If I wasn’t able to find those classes, I would have been dropped from the Social Work Program.

Ok, I want to do other things now, maybe play some games :(, but I do feel better writing my feelings down.

1/27/2011: Mixed Result / Read this before you play games

1/27/2011: Mixed Result / Read this before you play games

S: 6:19pm
E: 6:45pm

I really want to write a discovery today because I feel I really need an update. Today, praise God, our section had the day off! I was so happy. Finally I can have some time to relax, recharge, and do what’s important. I laid plans for today. I am to prepare my tuff box, which has souvenirs along with extra stuff I’m taking back from Kuwait, buy a few more exotic gifts from Kuwait, return my bicycle to MWR, organize my computer (instead of organizing my room, now I need to organize my files! Talking about being in a digital world..), worship God, and importantly, work on my college.

Yes, I’m in college now! Take three! I’m so blessed that God is giving me a second chance for college. I failed back in PCC (Pasadena City College) because I chose to satisfy my desires and I also failed my English Composition class at MACU (Mid-America Christian University) for the same reason. I can blame my busy schedule, or work, or peers, but in the end, it is me, it is my sinful gaming habits that’s stopping me. I am currently on track for a major in Christian Ministries and I only have a few more general education courses to go before I start my major. I better not fail this time. As Winston Churchill said, “without victory, there is no survival.” I need to try as hard as Great Britain tried to survive during World War 2.

So, what did I accomplish today? It is disappointing. I spent hours after PT and after lunch playing games. I did return my bicycle, organized my tuff box and brought a lock for it. I also read a few blogs. Reading about other people’s experiences and life and their struggle with God really cheered me up. I tried to work on my college but accomplished very little, as I was distracted by games. I set a deadline for my work on Saturday midnight. I don’t care if my work lacks quality because of my laziness, I will still turn it in. I will not repeat the mistake last time of giving up and not trying at all.

I can’t write very well now. I spent my strength not on women, but on games, but still, I must not give up.

Proverbs 31:2O my son, O son of my womb, O son of my vows,

3 do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.”

So Steven, I want to tell you that before you start playing computer games again, know that if your intent is to satisfy your desires, you will lose in the end. With God, you can always win these games; He can play the God Card. You must seek the Lord; you must seek “His kingdom and His righteousness.” The Lord will satisfy you. The joy of the Lord will be your strength.

Another reason why I was so slow in my college is because I’m just afraid! I’m afraid of being judged. I don’t feel I’m ready to write to people yet. I need to get rid of that fear and give it to God. As long as I trust in God, I should not be afraid.

As I was eating dinner in the DFAC today, a song suddenly came to my mind that is completely relevant to my situation. I need to give my all to Jesus. I need to make sure all my body parts give glory to God. I need to have less of me and more of Him. I need Jesus to live inside me completely. Praise God that I thought of this song and that is the reason why I decided to write today’s discovery.













follow Jesus

This song should be my anthem :) I need to follow God, follow God, even when it hurts.

1/2/2011: Not I, but Christ

1/2/2011: Not I, but Christ

S: 8:45pm

E: 9:27pm

I got guard tomorrow so I really don’t want to write this, but I felt I needed it so I can help remind myself to follow God.

I feel bad again today. I realized, with some reading in Watchman Nee’s book The Life that Wins that I cannot fix my life. Victory is not attained but obtained.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I realized that I have been spending almost my entire life trying to follow God and to worship Him. I realized that I cannot achieve victory if I keep trying in my own power. I cannot fix myself; only God can. I need to not change myself, but to let Jesus live in me. It’s like changing from “me inside,” to “Jesus inside.” A few of Watchman Nee’s words:


Every Christian is absolutely able to overcome sins of the mind, body, flesh and spirit, our contrary disposition, unbelief, and even the love of sin. Thank and praise God, this is not an unobtainable, ideal life under consideration here. This is a totally practical way of living which all of us may have in experience.

The Meaning of This Life—Not a Changed Life, but an Exchanged One

First of all, please notice that victory is an exchanged life, not a changed life. Victory is not that I have changed, but rather that I have been exchanged. One verse which is most familiar to us is Galatians 2.20: “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ liveth in me: and that life which I now live in the flesh I live in faith, the faith which is in the Son of God.” What is meant by this verse? It has only one meaning: the life spoken of is an exchanged life. Basically, it is no longer I, for it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It is not that the bad I has become the good I, or the unclean I has changed to be the clean I. It is simply “not I” Today people make a serious mistake in thinking that victory is progressive and defeat is retrogressive—that if a person is able to control his temper or maintain an intimate fellowship with God, then he is victorious. Not so. Let us ever keep in mind that victory has basically no relation to one’s own self.

One brother confessed with crying that he could not overcome. I frankly told him that he indeed could not overcome. He continued to say he could not overcome. How could I help him? I said to this brother: “God has never demanded that you overcome. He has never asked you to change your bad temper to a good temper, your hardness to gentleness, or your sorrow to joy. The way of God is simply to exchange your life for Another Life, which therefore has absolutely nothing to do with you.”

Once I met a sister whom I considered to be the most difficult among sisters to find victory. It required two hours for her to relate to me her defeats and failures from childhood till fifty years of age. She had no way to overcome her pride and ill-temper. She suffered defeats all the time. I had never met a person who desired victory as much as she, nor had I seen anyone who found victory so elusive as she. She moaned over her failures. She even thought of suicide because of her defeats. She found herself so helpless. As she was relating her story to me, I began to laugh. “Today” I said, “the Lord Jesus has met an ideal patient whom He can heal!”

This sister was so full of the sense of her own sins—pride and ill-temper—that she would surely contaminate you by what she told you if you did not know what victory is. You would probably agree with her that there was no hope. But from God’s word there come glad tidings of great joy—because though you cannot change, you may nevertheless be exchanged! The life that wins is an exchanged life. If it were up to you, you would never make it; but if it is a matter of Christ, there is absolutely no problem. The question is: who overcomes, you or Christ? If it is Christ, then it does not matter how you by nature are, even though you may be ten times worse than others.

I ask you, what is victory? It is not you overcoming, it is Christ who overcomes for you. The Scriptures teach only one kind of victory, and this is what Galatians 2.20 declares: “it is no longer I that live, but Christ liveth in me.” The Fukienese in South China have a saying, “No change even with death” I told this to the brethren in Peking and observed that we should all say to ourselves, “No change even with death” Praise to the Lord that I have not changed, but I have been exchanged!

One sister asked me what the difference was between changed and exchanged. I used the following illustration. Suppose I held in my hand a copy of an old worn-out Bible. If I wanted to change it, I would add a new cover, apply some glue, and imprint upon the cover in gold the letters spelling “Holy Bible.” Furthermore, if any letter within its pages was missing, I would print it with ink; or if a letter was not clear, I would ink it more plainly with a pen. I did not know how long this process would take me, nor was I certain if it would come out well. If, however, I decided to exchange it for a new Bible, this could be done in a matter of a second. And in that case, I could give my worn-out copy to a bookseller and he would exchange it for a new Bible. It is just the same in our spiritual life. Since God has given His Son to you, you need not spend any strength of yours but simply give Him your worn-out life in exchange for His Son’s life.

Let me use another illustration. Several years ago I bought a watch with a guarantee on it of two years. But as it turned out this watch was in my house for far less time than it was at the company’s premises; for it began to run inaccurately after a while. As a result, it had to be taken to the company many times for repair—once, twice, even ten times. I was tired of running it over there, and moreover, the watch remained inaccurate. Hence I requested the company to exchange it for another watch. They replied, however, that they could not do so because there was no such company regulation that allowed for this. But since they guaranteed the watch for two years, they told me they would continue to repair it within the guarantee period. This went on for eight months, yet the company still refused to exchange it for a good watch. Finally, I grew so tired of this that I left my watch at the company permanently. This illustration can serve to show that man’s way is always one of repairing. Repair, repair, and repair again within the guarantee period of life. Man has no way for exchange.

Even in the Old Testament time of Bible history we find that God’s way was never to repair, nor to change, but to exchange. Note this passage, for example: “to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them a garland for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of Jehovah, that he may be glorified” (Is. 61.3). To substitute is God’s way….

All these years I have not been able to change myself, yet God has exchanged me. This is holiness, this is perfection, this is victory, and this is the life of God’s Son! Hallelujah!…

Recently I met a sister who told me that having spent twenty years in trying to overcome her pride and ill-temper she had not only failed but also felt quite hopeless. This was what I said to her in response: “If you expect to overcome your pride and ill-temper by your own effort, you will not succeed even after twenty more years. But you can be freed from sins today if you simply accept the gift of God. This gift is freely given by Him, and it is yours by accepting it. The Lord Jesus is the victory. And by accepting Him as your victory, you obtain the victory” Whereupon she accepted this gift that God had given her. Do realize today the vanity of your works and the failure of your life. Accept the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall overcome.

There is one verse with which we are all familiar: “sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under law, but under grace” (Rom. 6.14). How is it that sin shall not have dominion over you? Because you are not under law but under grace. What is meant by being under law? I have mentioned many times before that being under law signifies God requiring man to work for Him. What, then, is being under grace? It denotes God working for man. If we work for God, sin shall reign over us. The wages of our works is having sin rule over us. But if God works for us, sin shall not have dominion over us. Under law, we work. Under grace, God works. When God works, sin shall not rule over us. For it is He who works, and this is victory. Whatever requires effort on our part is not victory. Victory comes freely to us.

Suppose there is a person who has sinned so much until sinning becomes wearisome and meaningless and un-Christian like. Let me tell you that if you accept this gift of God now, you may immediately become a victorious person. For the principle of victory is the principle of gift, not of reward. And all shall be well by accepting this gift.

The life that wins is to be obtained, never to be attained. Obtained simply means gaining possession of a thing. Attained, on the other hand, implies you have a long way to go and that you will proceed slowly without the assurance of arriving at the goal someday. Yet the victory of a Christian is not attained through a slow process. Once I was climbing Mount Kuling. Brother Sing-Liang Yu invited me to go with him. As we gradually climbed, I felt increasingly tired. After we had covered some distance, I asked brother Yu how much farther we had to go. He replied that it was not very far to the top. So we continued to trod on slowly. Still we had not arrived. Whenever I asked brother Yu, I always got the answer that we were almost there. Finally we did arrive. But suppose I were to go up the mountain by being carried in a sedan chair; in that case I would have obtained Kuling, not attained it. All things pertaining to the Holy Spirit are obtained. So that all which is related to victory must be received.


May I at least reread the selected passages if ever I need reminder that I cannot change myself to God’s standards.

Every time I write “I will try to follow God,” I felt something is wrong. Now I know why. I cannot try anymore. I need to be. If I try to be better in my own power or try to improve myself even with God, I will not make it. We are all too corrupted to be fixed or changed. We must exchange our corrupt, sinful self with God’s perfect self. Then I can find victory, then I can stop playing computer games, then I can win. I need to stop trying to follow God but instead to accept Jesus as my Savior and have Him do the work.


The Consequence—an Expressed Life, Not a Suppressed One

The consequence of having this life that wins is seen in an expressed, not a suppressed, life. Our so-called victories are always done through suppression. One old lady held in her temper whenever she met unpleasant things. Outwardly she wore a smiling face, but inwardly she was controlling her feelings with great difficulty. After living such a suppressed life for some time, she found the pressure within her had so built up that she began to spit blood. And why? Simply because the problem had remained with her. Yet true victory in the Christian’s walk is an expressed life, not a suppressed one. An expressed life signifies a showing forth that which has already been obtained. It is what Philippians 2.12 intimates to us, when it declares for us to “work out [our] own salvation.” Previously we tried hard to cover ourselves; now we dare to express the victory of Christ in us. Formerly, the more suppressed the better; today, the more expressed the better. Since Christ lives in me, I want to express Him before the world.

Mrs. Jessie Penn-Lewis had a young girl friend who knew how to compose poems and who was skillful in leading children into this victorious life. One day Mrs. Penn-Lewis paid her a special visit in order to see how she helped the children. On that particular day, this young friend invited more than ten children to a meal. When they had just finished eating and before the table was cleaned, a guest suddenly arrived. She asked these children what should be done to the dirty table. They suggested covering it up with a clean table cloth. She complied by doing just that. After the guest was gone, she asked the children whether or not the guest had seen the spills and stains on the table. They answered no. Then she challenged the children by asking: “Although the guest did not see these spills and stains, would you say that the table is clean?” Their reply was this: “Even though the guest did not see anything, the dirty table is still dirty.”

Let me say right here that many people are ready to be clean outside but not to be clean inside. Who dares to reveal the thoughts and feelings of his or her heart? And yet we consider ourselves to be victorious. When people praise us, we try to look humble. We may appear to be patient, but we hide our impatience under cover. Allow me to speak frankly, that whatever is suppressed within is not victory. Only when you and I go out and Christ comes in do we have victory. And in that case, whatever is expressible is victory.

A sister I know easily lost her temper. One day her maid broke a vase. The sister quickly covered herself with a blanket, pretending to sleep. She was fearful lest she would see the scene and explode. This is a suppressed life.

Suppose a fruit peddler came by and asked you to purchase some fruit from him, but you sent him away without buying any fruit. And suppose he came the second and the third time, but you still did not buy from him. In order to sell his fruits, he had to suppress his resentment each time you failed to buy any of his produce. This is not victory, it is but a business policy. The victory of Christ, though, purifies even the heart. In short, victory means a pure heart.

A brother recently crossed the threshold of victory. He was already over fifty, and he had studied the classics of Confucius all his life. Though he had believed in the Lord for three years, he trusted only in the shed blood of the Lord and its atoning value. During that time he did not see any major difference between Christianity and Confucianism. A follower of Confucius attempts to improve himself by works of endurance and self-control. If he is successful in such works, he becomes a sage. So that after his becoming a Christian, this brother still exercised himself in such attempts. He continued to assume the Confucian attitude of reducing a big problem to being a small matter, and of reducing a small matter to being no matter at all. But at the end of those three years he testified that he knew Christ’s victory had had no touch upon his life whatsoever. How vastly different is Christianity from other religions. It is not only the difference as witnessed by the cross, it is also the difference of our having a living Christ within us. We preach the gospel of redemption, especially a Christ who lives within. Previously this brother had been a genuine disciple of Confucius by keeping a tight control over himself. Now, though, he had let go of himself and had allowed Christ to live through him—without suppression and without defeat.


I need to live my life without fear. I need to express myself, if Jesus is running my life. And this is where it comes. I am afraid to completely let Jesus take over. If I express myself to everyone: military and on Facebook, what if I mess up? What if I let God be my life one day and then lose it the next? The expression would be an embarrassment and a shame to me. I’m afraid, but I must not be. I must wholeheartedly, give God everything including the consequences of what might happen. I must step out of my comfort zone and let God rule my life. I am not ready to do this, but I will go closer day by day until I delegate my life to God. Then, I will no longer want to play computer games because it’s not me who lives in me anymore, it will be Jesus. I will express the life Jesus wants me to live. I will no longer have to try to win, it will come naturally. I think that is the secret to victory: Not suppression, but expression. Not changed but exchanged.

1/1/2011: The Life that Wins

1/1/2011: The Life that Wins

S: 7:30pm

E: 8:20pm

“Do you know the life that wins? Are you ashamed of the kind of Christian life you live? Have you failed so terribly in your striving for victory that you cry out, ‘Wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me…?’ (Rom. 7:34)” (Translator’s preface to Watchman Nee’s The Life that Wins).

Right now, I feel bad about myself. I spent the first day of the new year, mostly on my desires and the things of the flesh, which is computer games. I tried to fight, and yes, in the morning, I managed to have a long walk with God, but it all went downhill from there. Why? Why is it so difficult for me to pray and to focus on God? When I sit down on my seat in front of the computer, thoughts to do evil came. I just can’t sit and pray. It’s so hard. Many times, I have to go outside, like taking a walk, for me to focus on God. When I sit in front of my computer, temptation comes. I want to do other things instead of spending time on God. I get distracted and that is not good.

I’m still fighting, still struggling to have self-control, to live by the Spirit. Yesterday evening, I spend two hours designing a map with properties for TripleA, a map of my spiritual life. I downloaded a map maker and utilities, but, I always get sidetracked to playing TripleA games instead. In my intuition, I knew that making that map would be wonderful. It can help me map out my spiritual battle and I think it can also provide a guide for other people too. When I want to make maps, the difficulty of making it channels me to play games instead. Yes, “wretched man I am! Who shall deliver me?” I am still not only trying to be saved from sins, but I’m also trying to be saved from this world.

And also, to settle this nagging thought, from the world’s standards, I know I suck. But, it doesn’t matter if I suck, what matters is whether I follow and love God or not. People can make fun of me, point at me, and shame me, but, I will still try to do God’s will for my life. I see people in this world who are so powerful, so good, so high, so etc, that my first tendency is to admire and learn to become like them. But no! I must not! I need to become great in the eyes of God, not in the eyes of men.

The thing is, I’m also afraid to be great. My whole life, I have never been popular, admired, or great. When attention comes to me, my natural instinct is to hide and go back to the shadows. My fear of being great needs to change too. I need to follow God, whether I become great or not. I find that with God, I tend to be more perfect, more courageous, more strong, have more joy, have a clearer mind, and of course, I write better. Right now, I’m not writing very well because I am not as close to God as I should be. I am turning to other idols instead of turning to God. That is why I’m feeling a disconnect; that is why I’m not as smart, clear, strong, courageous, happy (lasting happiness) now. I’m only strong with God. I’m only strong when God makes me strong and God makes me strong because I love and follow Him. I will become like the real Steven, like in Narnia, but now, due to sin and imperfection, the good Steven that you see is only a trace of what it could be.

“I see,” [Lucy] said. “This is still Narnia, and more real and more beautiful than the Narnia down below, just as it was more real and more beautiful than the Narnia outside the stable door! I see… world within world, Narnia within Narnia….”


A TripleA WW2 game. I have been playing different maps and variations like these for a few weeks now, but although it was fun and challenging in the beginning, I overplayed and abused it so that it became enslaving. If I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I would have done better.



S: 1759
Today is a day of many downs. Today reminds me of my weaknesses, and how much of a failure I am. If Satan isn’t attacking me, maybe an evil spirit is. But this evil spirit is a spirit of failure. It curses everything I do. Do much that the only things I succeed in doing is doing things that are part of God’s will.

I see other people in the field. They are all so much stronger, so much more advantaged than me. They also just seem to just live in the flesh. But I still try to live for Him. Althrough I still fail, I still try.

The misriable heat, my lack of energy, my lack of strength, my fellowman making fun of me because of my weaknesses, my lack of common sense, and my inability to hear clearly all combined and joined forces to destroy me. I felt like giving up, I felt like destroyed, but still, God came and helped me. He came and spared me. It’s so painful to do your best, knowing your weaknesses, and still be made fun of because of it. I also hate when people don’t play fair, like when that sargent pushed players around. He hugged me from the back and lifted me up, he pushed me. It’s not fair. I find that the things that make me angry has to do with fairness, understanding. That sargeant pushing players around. My fellow soldiers saying a detogortary remark due to my weaknesses even through he didn’t really mean it in that way. Every remark said that way is like a knife slash on my body. I don’t want to help anymore. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

Like what happened in the field today. I am so exhausted I can hardly walk. I still tried to help out, but I was corrected for trying to do what I think is right. It’s just so demeaning. It makes me not want to try anymore.

If I have a child who trys to help but makes a mess, I will not cuss at or degrade the child. No, I would first say “thank you” to that child then show him or her what the child did wrong. Then I would explain what the child can do to help next time. Then, if another time comes around, the child will help. And if the child messes up again, I will still love him or her. What matters is not the results, but the intent, the heart of why people do things.

Many times, I wonder why I can’t be like this soldier, so strong and enduring, or like him, so squared-away and sharp, or like that guy, so charming and popular. But I’m struck with being me. Why me? Why can’t God change me? I guess, God wants me to go through these painful experiences so I can be more perfect in Him. I still feel that I may fall back again.

Like today. What I thought I mastered and thought couldn’t happen to me happened. How can I go over a chock block? Or not see a ground pole? Or wear improper headgear? I don’t understand. The things I mastered others feel I am just a beginner.

Yes, I have been blessed. I don’t have to stay in the field, I get to come back to my room and relax. Yes, the field wasn’t difficult. Yes, my squad leaders and NCOs are  good. Yes, I am being taken care of. So many blessings. While the Bible says the only thing you should be concerned about is food and clothing. That is, if you don’t have them. If you do, just be content with what you have. Wow, I have been blessed more than what the Bible said I should be blessed.

But still, just food and clothing? To me, that is not enough. I want enough sleep, a clean place to rest, and enough ability to be competent in what I do. And of course, God. And maybe some fun, like computer games, although that is an addiction not a need.

Sigh, I am just so weak. I feel like just giving up the ghost. I don’t want to live in a world controled by the god of this world, Satan. It’s just so hard. Too difficult for me it seems.

Lord help me. Lord help me please. I am always on the edge, always on the edge of giving up and killing myself.

I need more social support I think. I need to contact my church again somehow. Talk to my few friends. Maybe they would accept me again. I am afraid though. What if they mistreat me? What if they reject me? What if they make detrograry remarks due to my weaknesses? What if they are worse than soldiers here?

Sigh, I don’t know what to do. I have limited time. I am not as strong as other soldiers who can stay up all night. I am weak. I am limited. But I know that I cannot compromise my God. I cannot limit my relationship with God just because my circumstances are difficult.

And I will alwasy be weak. If in a competetion and I could win in peacetime, I will still try. But I will think an evil spirit will come and prevent me from winning. It’s ok, I will still try. I will slow down so I can think. If I lose because of that, which I think I will, then  let God be God. If I lose 99 battles out of 100 and its not because of giving up, then may the name of the Lord be praised. Amen.


4/22/05  12:10am
Ok, a bunch of crap.

+ A flower dies but a rock never dies.
Don’t show up, let your beauty be for you only
+ Sometimes your smart, dumb or both.
There is a time for everything.
+ The deeper you fall, the higher to get back up.
The more risk you take, the more excitement you get.
+ Nervous never does a body good.  Only kills.
Some ppl (like me) have ‘genes’ for failure.

I can’t speak in a world that requires you to speak.
I can’t not be nervous in a world that requires you not to be nervous.
I can’t be unshy in a world that punishes you for being shy.
I know I need to change but I can’t change.  Is it my fault that I can’t change?  Then why are some ppl making fun of me?  In their eyes, do I deserve to live in this world?  Or should I die?  What happens if I die?  I’m going to be more evil now.  I’m going to either say nothing or speak like a King.  To ingnore my pain or to kill it completely.  Not to mention overkill it.  I am either going to try or not try at all.  Either 100% or 0%.  Either do Naowi all the way or have nothing to do with her.  This means to take more risks.  But why if ppl make fun of me?  No, ppl Will make fun of me.  What can I do?
Let ppl suffer. Theres too many of us anyways.  We are helping them in the long run.

I always think of Lydia, but I know she would never love me.  I always think of Cathrine but I know that she would never even see me let alone love me.  And Ruby?  She can’t love me.  Part of it or ALL of it is my fault.  I screwed up my future.  Once I thought my future would be brighter as the Elven Star but now is it even close to a star?  There is no one who can love me.  My days are over.  I failed.  I failed everyone.  Games killed me, songs binded {could be “blinded”} me, hope fades away from me.  Hope drains me.  I hate asking people for help now.  Not just now, always, forever and ever!  Thank you God for creating this useless, stupid life!


8:40 pm

A very insprital quote got to me from the calander. “You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.” I think that is 100% true. This quote reminds me of
U.S. history when we waited for our turns to shoot the basket. If you make the basket, you get extra points. I saw some people refuse to even shoot. Boy,
wait until I show them this quote. Heh, better try than never. And also, today, I’m acutally doing me math homework!!! YAY!! And also my progess report
came can I get no D’s but 3 C’s. Thats an improvement, but I still have to work harder. I love you Ruby (even though she doesn’t love me, I promised myself
to write that). Maybe I should also work harder on Ruby. Heh, lol, I’ll try. Someday, I’ll ask her for a date. Even though I know that 99.99999% she will
say no, but theres still that 0.00000000000000314151 percent left (lols), and it’s better than missing 100% as that quote says, and my quote. I love you
Ruby, so Ruby.