11/13/2016: MDWG

11/13/2016: MDWG

10:35pm – 11:13pm (session continues)

God, I come before you to say thank you. To say that You are my father and my defender. When temptation comes, you gave me strength and knowledge and wisdom to delay and to think, to think about You. I have Your blood. Thank You God. What matters, O Lord, is that I try, my life is all about trying, trying to seek You, trying to love You, trying to pick up my sword and fight for love. I fail a lot, many times, most of the times, almost all the time, and I gave up many times, many many times, but I still try. To me, O Lord, life is about trying. Lead us O Lord, lead us to You. Continue to teach us wisdom and knowledge and your love.

Father God, people may leave me, but you never leave me nor forsake me. All I need in life, O Lord, is You. Just lay me down, you fill me up to pour me out.

You give people their destinies.

God, I come before you to worship You O God. I do not know how much time I have left. I don’t know how much time we have left. But however much time that we have, may we maximize our time with You, O Lord. You don’t give your heart in pieces. I thank You God. You gave it all O Lord. Thank You. My time here on earth is limited, it is but a span. I do not know what’s going to happen in this world or my life, but You hold the whole world in Your hands. You change everything O Lord. Thank you. You are not a man who should lie. You gave your whole heart. Thank you Jesus. It’s not in your nature to withhold from me.

Help us not to thank You for granted. Not to take peace for granted. Not to take freedom for granted. Not to take Bethel, my fellow Christian brothers and sisters, my church, for granted. Help me Lord, not to take my current situation or future situations for granted. Each day is a gift from You. Thank You Jesus.

You love me because. Help me to be my best in You. Thank you Jesus, thank you God. It’s not in Your nature to withhold from me. God, may You bless my church, may You bless my Christian brothers and sisters. May you bless this world, this country, this nation, and all the countries of this world. You are coming for them. You are coming for all of them. You are gathering broken hearts, broken minds, broken pieces to You O God. You are mending us again. You are coming for us. You are coming for us. Thank You Jesus.

Give us hearts that love You, hearts that seek You. Give us hearts that know You. You are not a God who hides. Thank You Jesus. We made mistakes, I made mistakes, I envied the proud, I envied those who are without restraint. I know O Lord, that seek You, that spending time with You, should be our number one thing. You should be our one thing.

You are not here to tease us; You are here to love us. You are the God that keeps Your word, that keeps your promises. Thank You God, thank you Jesus. Your love is pure. Your love is precious. Thank you God for making us precious, so precious. Who are we to judge, O Lord, on who we should love or love more. Everyone is your creation; everyone is your beloved. Thank You God, thank you Father.

Thank you Father for your mercy. Thank you God for your grace. You are changing everything. You are changing me. You are changing everyone. Thank you Jesus, thank you God.

Heal my mind, heal my heart, heal my soul, heal my spirit, and heal us O Lord. Heal us. Heal our nation. Heal this world. Thank You Jesus, thank you God. You are a loving God and loving Father. Thank you Jesus, you are wonderful and you are great. You are almighty. You give us hope. You give us future. This poor man called, and you healed him. This poor man called, and you answered. You are the God who answers prayer. You are the God who loves us. You are the God who is in control. You just love us because.

(session continues)
Song: I’m a Mess – Bethel, You Laid Aside Your Majesty- Derri Daugherty, Pieces- Bethel,

 

 

 

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

S: 12:12am
E: 1:01am

So to continue my written entry through typing, I want to ask myself a question, a obvious question. Why am I looking for a girlfriend? Because I need one. Why do I need one? Because a girlfriend, a soulmate gives me companionship. She can satisify me soulically, physically, mentally, and probably spiritually, if we worship and devote to God together.

I feel like I am cursed. I feel like I am cursed by God and scorned by men. I have the mark of Cain. I don’t understand why? I eagerly try to follow God and this is where it has brought me. Of course I mess up; of course I fail, but I always try to get back up on my feet. Being generous has given me poverty. Trying to love others has given me hate. I told myself that if other people were to love me half as much as I loved them, I would be like a hero. I would had no problems. Trying to follow God has given me suffering. But, you know, the funny thing is I’m still going to love God. Despite all this pain and conceived disadvantages, I’m still going to follow Him. Why? Because I know He is real and I know He has helped me before. I experienced Him in the Army. Despite my fallen state, despite my church-less state, I’m still going to be loyal to Him. I left my church because I felt angry at God for not helping me and giving me support. I want to serve my church; I want to serve Him, not for me but for His Glory. But, I wasn’t given the opportunity, and when opportunity does come, He did not give me the help and the resources to capitalize on the opportunity. I tried, I asked God for help. I feel, deep inside, that I can do more, so much more, if only I have the right kind of support and love. I am like a plant who cannot reach its full potential because it does not receive the right amount of nutrients. I tried to make them myself. I tried to synthize them. I tried to ask God for them. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Why? Why is it that I don’t have a girlfriend? I am willing to die for her, just as Christ died on the cross for us. I am willing to give everything I have, my life, I am willing to change myself for her. I would serve her, of course, we would serve God first. I am willing to give so much love, to do so much if only, if only someone could be my girlfriend, my soulmate, my future wife.

What does it take? Do I need to bring a gun to her head and say “be my girlfriend” for her to be my girlfriend? I have tried for so long and I don’t know what to do. I hate to do evil but I feel that if no one loves me and cares about me, then I would rather just go out with a bang. I would excute my evil Samson Option. If I cannot love them and serve them even though I wanted to, then I will have no choice but to do evil. I want to teach them a lesson of what lack of love can do to a person. Look at Frankenstein. He was just a gentle and kind beast. But everyone in the story hated him and ran away from him. He travelled everywhere to find love but found none. He was forced to kill to protect himself. I feel like people are treating me like Frankenstein. I love people; I am willing to die for them, if only they love and care about me. If only a girl can share her life with me. Adam’s first human contact was not with another man, but with his future wife.

It is because of love that I chose to be a social worker. It is because of love that I volunteered for my church. It is because of love that I decided to push myself to be a better person. But if all my efforts are in vain, to love and be loved, then, like Frankenstein, I will have no choice but to do evil to survive. But that is as a last resort. I want to do good, not evil. And whatever I do, I know God will be my ultimate judge.

Coming back from Los Angeles, I brought most of my old journals with me. And a key theme, a key element of my entries is my desperation to find a girlfriend. What I am feeling then, back in 2006, back in 2003, is what I am also feeling now.

I don’t want to improve myself because no one loves me (unconditional love has much greater weight). I don’t want to improve myself just for the sake of self. I want to improve myself for myself so I can help others. But if I cannot help others because I don’t receive enough love, then life would be horrible for me. I would rather not live. I would have no motivation to live life. The reason why I’m playing so much computer games is because in those games, I can contribute, I can help. I am able to use my full potential to help others in that game. In Caesar 3, I am able to build my city so it can prosper and make others happy. In Battle Conquest, I fight the good side so I can push back the Armies of Darkness. I gain satisfaction from them because I am contributing something. If I cannot contribute good in this world then I would have to contribute evil. But I don’t want to so I must go out with a bang. I must end my life and probably the life of others so this world may learn what a lack of love can do to a person, to a person who actually wants to give the opposite.

And I feel, after writing this, that some girl might feel pity on me and may want to marry me. But I don’t want a girl to love me based on pity. My mom told me, before she divorced my dad, that she married him partly because she felt sorry for him. But that was a big mistake. I want a girl to love me, to marry me because she loves God and loves the way I am.

I am thinking of a Chinese Christian song that I learned from my church choir. I can’t write Chinese and I don’t know all the lyrics but here it is:

Wei le ai, ta lai dao shi xie shang (Because of love, He came to earth)

Wei le ai, ta bei ding shi zi jia (Because of love, He was nailed on the Cross)
Ta di ai, shi shi jie you pang wong. (His love, gave this world hope)

And it’s true. Because of God’s love, I have hope.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!

8/24/09

8/24/09

S: 7:04pm
E: 7:19pm

I am reading other people’s diaries, including the diaries of Anne Frank. I guess the next best thing to trying to be sociable and failing (yes, I really tried, almost to death), is to read a person’s personal life. To experience what they are experiencing, to live how they are living.

I am writing on my bed.. now its better. Its much more comfortable to write sitting up than lying down. I guess readings the same way. Heh. You know.. I am starting to feel more like a child. I am more childlike, I … never mind.

Another thing. I am just so evil. I hate myself. I failed God. I don’t know what to do now. I am so dazed. I was just about to remove myself from the 3 groups I was in on Yahoo. Now I’m wasting my time playing Envoy. Sigh, its evil. The advertising is evil. They use women, pretty girls to lure you. And what do you get? A kingdom management game. I joined because of the kingdom management game of course….

And Dorcas. No, I will spell it Dorcus. I still love her. I will send her a secret admirer soon. I love her. Yes, I still love her. I will love her through sickness and pain. God, please. I know its not pure of me. I know I could do more to further your kingdom but please! Just give me this little bit of solace. And then make my life ten times harder, I don’t care. Just let me marry Dorcus. I love her, even to death. I know…. Dorcus is a changed person. She isn’t the cute little girl I met in Alpine 10 years ago. I love her. I still love her. I really love her. Why can’t I … no I can’t. Why can’t God… no, I can’t blame God. Why can’t I just have the guts to come up to her and say “I love you.” I don’t care what method of approach or the angle or the what.. I just want to TRY.

You know, I don’t really care about my life anymore. I tried again and again to please God and I’m failing again and again. Why should I try again? Wouldn’t the results be the same? Failure? I have to try a different approach, abet a more evil one. But I will still honor and respect God. He is still my all in all.

I feel so alone. So loney. I want a girlfriend. I want a girl I can confide to. To spill, to tell all my heart longing and troubles and excitement. To banish any sort of fear, to tell as freely as I would tell myself.

Ok, I am an impatient person. I could be patient if I have to, but otherwise, I am an impatient person.

Time for me to redramize facebook. And I need to kick my sister out until I’m ready. Actually facebook would just be for myself. No, special people can still read it. Sigh. I am still split between spilling everything out in facebook or keeping it tame or deleting facebook. Maybe I should make facebook as honest as I want other people to see. Yes, that’s a good idea. Facebook is my face in my book. * .. lol.

8/13/09

8/13/09

S: 7:34pm
E: 8:07pm

A day before my birthday, I reflected on my life. Looking at all the e-mails of my past that I treasured. I think about all my friends that moved on. I lost contact to all of them. I remember the sweet times when I had them. I regret the times when I refuse to follow God in my high school years beacuse I feel angry. I feel hopeless too. All these memories. All these failures. All these regrets.

My church forgot me. That’s only derserving of what I get because I forgot my church, too. I failed college. I deserved that too. I didn’t study, and I actually got better grades than I deserved. God’s mercy is very great. I failed to control my evil self. My evil desires. My evil flesh. I failed time and time again. Until my dad praticaly kicked me out.

I joined the Army because I failed college and my dad kicked me out. But a deeper reason is because I failed to worship God completely. I was still holding on to sin. I was still greatly sinning against God.

I got through so much pain as a result of my decision. So much hardship, so much pain, so much loneyness. But somehow, God still had mercy on me. On this poor wetched soul. He delieved me many times in BCT when I seeked Him. He helped me in AIT when I asked for help. Even through I wander away, God still forgave me and helped me. And in my unit too.

But still. I feel so alone. I feel so loney. I miss all my long ago, long past friends. I miss them. I love them. I want to talk to them. To connect with them again. To bless and love them again. To fellowship with them again. But time has done its damage. It is done. There is no turning back.

Oh how I wish I can live life again. How I wish I can just start over again. I tried to talk to God to give me another chance that way. To say, “God, if you can make me young again, I will change my ways. For now I see my mistakes. Now I see my sin.” But I can’t. God won’t let me. It’s not fair for others. It’s against His Law.

So now what am I to do? It is depressing. So real. I am nothing now. I watch as this world is heading to sin. I watch. I can only watch. And sometimes pray.

Lord, can you please help me. Lord, you know my pains, you know me oh Lord. Help and heal me. Even through I messed up in my early life. Lord, help me. Forgive me God. Please help me. Give me a second chance with people. Give me a second chance with other believers. I want to fellowship with them. I want to fellowship with my church. I miss them. They have forgotton me, and I deserved it. I deserved it.

I deserved everything in my life. All the major decisons I mean. The biggest mistake is that I failed to worship and love GOd completely. I failed HIm. I failed. Now I seek Him. Now I love Him. Now I worship and adore and ask HIm for help. BUt now is too late. It cannot undo the damage that I have done. I can’t just talk to these people, these friends of mine again. I have to make new ones but they are just not replacable. It’s not a plug and fix solution.

Lord, what am I to do? SHould I write a long, lengthy e-mail to all three groups asking them to forigve me and love me and cover me in again? What will they do? Will they think I’m crazy? What can I do? WHat can I say? What can I do to have them be with me again. I know God is with me, but I still love to worhsip God with my fellow believers.

I don’t know what to do. My birthday. It means nothing. It is just a cursed day to me. It is just a reminder of time passing. OH how I want to go back in time, if only just a few years. I think I can see my life now. A life of misrey, pain, sorrow, shame. A life alone. A loney life. People don’t understand this. They don’t understand, unless they really want to understand me. ANd they persist to. Then they might understand.

Now I’m thinking. Now I’m thinking the impossible. Death. I just want to die. After all, all my former support is gone. My church is gone. My old CHristian friends is gone. Even my high school friends is gone. Canaan is now just a distant friend to me. Just a memory of what a friend used to be. And its all my fault. My fault. I did not seek God. I did not follow GOd completely.

You know, maybe I should just go AWOL and spend the rest of my money in a secret place, just worshipping God, just praying to God, just seeking Him. ANd then my plan is to die. Once my money runs out, or I’m found out, I will die. Die. Sweet death, Sweet departure.

Is it too late for me Lord? Is it too late for me to have my old friends back? I could get new grain and new wine because the Bible said so. But can I get the ones I love back again? I don’t think so. I love them, I miss them terriably.

I think its hopeless. I think my life is just hopeless. I failed God. It’s too late for me. The war for my life was already lost. ALl the major battles have been fought early in my life. I lost almost all if not all of them. Now, I can win every battle, but still lose so much. Still lose the war.

I’m dispairing. I’m crying inside. I’m broken inside. I feel so hopeless. I just want to die. Say good bye. Just die.

WHo am I anyways? Am I not just a man God created? Am I not just a breath that passes away? Am I not just like a flower in the field that fades away?

I can’t live my life anymore. I don’t care about other people, other soldiers anymore. I just want to die.

I don’t want to made any new friends anymore. I just want my old friends back. My old friends from childhood. I want them back. Or I will be alone. I hate being alone. I hate to be by myself. I want to travel through life with my church friends. I want to suffer with them. TO cry with them. To laugh with them. TO do anything with them. Lord help me. Humor is just a drug to me now. It hides the truth of reality.

So when am I going to die? I’m going to die as soon as I safely could. I will travel to a remote location. I don’t care the damage I can do to my country. I failed myself.

I want to just worship God, give Him glory, and then die.

11-13-03

11-13-03
5:16 pm

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, I can’t wait to write about you. Even writing the date and the time was fustring. I love you so much Ruby. You are in my
dreams, in my hearts, in my life. Ruby, you will always be in my life, I love you to my death. Ruby, there are only three words I can say right now:
I love you. So in love with you. I love you. Sigh, Ruby, I need you. Today afterschool, I went to Mrs. Solid’s room to get the appcation for the Rotary
Leadership Awards. I don’t think I’ll be selected to go because only three girls and three guys can go, and they must be a junior. Too bad you can’t go
too Ruby, I love you. I also picked up a tutoring application for La Casa. I thought maybe I can use my strong math skills to help students who are behind
and need help. Like I say earlier, many of these students are on their edge. Ruby, do you want to help them? We can work together. You are excellent in
geometry (my sister told me that), and I’m excellent in AlgebraI and II (I hope so). We can work together, Ruby. We can help them. We can make a difference
in their lives plus we can love each other just as God has loved us. Ruby, I want to kiss you, I want to touch your wonderful face. I love you so much Ruby.
You are the reason why I started to write this diary. You told me that you are third best in tennis, wow, I mean great! You are so good in everything you do.
I mean I wish I had more talant as you. Oh I forgot to tell you the talent story. It is from the Bible (yes, I used to go to church). The talent story is
(my version): One day a king decided to travel to another country. He called up his three servents and gave one of them ten, the second five, and the third
only one talents. (Don’t know what it’s called talents. In that time, it is a sort of money, but I think it as acutal “talents” lol) The servent who recieved
ten talents went and bought a chicken farm. He raised chickens and sold it and their eggs. He earned ten more talants. The second servent with the five
talents went and bought a restruant ( I can’t even spell that!!!). He earned five more. However, the person with the one talent decided to dig a hole and put
the money in. Thats really sad, the person, although low in talents did not use his gift. When the king finally came back, he called his first servent with
the ten talents and that person gave him his share plus ten more he earned. The king saluted and congrads him. He gave him control of ten cities. The second
servent with the five talents came and he gave the king’s share of five plus the five talents he earned. The King cheered him and gave him control of five
cities. Then finally, the king called the third servent with only one talent. He have his talent back but earned none. He said that he know his master is cruel
and harsh, and he is afraid of him, so he dug it in a hole. Then the king said take the one talent that he has and give it to the man with the ten talents. Then
he told his guards to kill him. That story teaches lots of morals. The first one is that in life, even fear is not a reason why you are not performing at your
best (in my own words) and the second one is that life is unfair. God gave some people ten talents, to some he gave five and also to some he gave only one
(ppl like me). Ruby, you have ten talents I only have one. I think about life, and sometimes I think about unfairness. Why can’t everyone have the same amount of
talents? Why is it that some people have ten, some have five and for me, only one? That proves the saying “All men are created equal” as wrong. Why because all men
are NOT equal and they will never will be. Some people are more talanted at arts, others at math and english, and even some are given many gifts such as the power
to heal, the power of multiple languages, the power to kill (so sad but it’s true), and so forth. So Ruby, if you don’t love me I will understand. I’m not good
enough for you but at least I will try. Why? Cause I will fail 100% if I don’t try. And second, I love you the second I saw you. I am a virgin, I love no one else
but you. Tu o Nadie, which in Spainish means “You or noone.” That is how I feel. I love you Ruby.