2/1/2011: Defense against Judgments

2/1/2011: Defense against Judgments

S: 9:51am

E: 11:28am (came back from formation)

Right now, I feel I’m on a low ebb on my writing skills. But, I still have to write. I write the good, I also need to write the bad times. Starkingdoms, the only game I allow myself to play, has been taking a lot of my time, but, at least it’s a lot more social than other games I’ve been playing. The leadership skills and practice in forums can help me grow as a person. Actually, I have been quite busy, between college, praying, doing military stuff, personal maintenance, and Star Kingdoms, and I find it hard to find time to write.

I’m also kind of forgetful sometimes. I was half-done on my other discovery I started but my mind then went blank. For me to write well, I need to be honest and write about my feelings and intentions before I write my content. I need to write about myself first before I write what I was planning to write.

For the past few weeks, I decided to socially isolate myself (esp. Facebook) because I needed to grow in God and self more. I’m afraid of people judging but I happy to say I have at last found a solution.

One thing that I find it hard in this world is judging. In my life, everyday, people judge me all the time, either intentionally or unintentionally. For example, when a soldier says, “Steven, wake up. Stop being lazy,” he is inferring:

Major premise: People who close their eyes during work are lazy.

Minor Premise: Steven is closing his eyes during work hours.

Conclusion: Therefore, Steven is lazy.

But, that is not the case. I did not close my eyes because I wanted to slack off and be lazy. No, the reason why I closed my eyes is so I can have the energy to do a better job. I chose to close my eyes because I know my weaknesses and I am trying to counter them.

This is why Jesus said in Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” God is right about that command because since God knows everything, only He can be the judge.

Before, my response is would be to argue and defend myself but I found the more I argue and defend myself, the more judgments and accusations I receive. Then, I tried to “be like Jesus,” by trying to know when to speak and when to remain silent. That helped, but, I think I found the best solution.

The solution is to, Steven, listen up, the solution to being judged is to be humble, truthful, and let your yes be yes and your no be no (Matthew 5:37). The truth will come in the end and God will be the ultimate judge.

I will do my best not to judge others but to pray for them. I cannot change people; only God can change people. I will be nice, caring, loving to everyone and I will also listen to my spirit as to when to speak and when to remain silent. However, if people judge me, I need to be humble, say the truth, and leave it to that. I will not go on explaining and defending myself. I will just let my “yes” be “yes” and my “no” be “no.” God knows the truth and He knows everything. He will be my real Judge.

PS: I have been so worried about being judged that I did not only isolate myself from Facebook, but also from my parents. I haven’t replied any of my dad’s e-mails this year nor have I called my mom in Taiwan. I always tell myself that I am not ready, that I am too stressed out to talk, but, I need not be afraid. God will be the Judge.

喜樂泉源 (Fountain of Joy) by 讚美之泉 (Stream of Praise)

祢是我喜樂泉源 祢使我歡欣跳躍
祢使我自由飛翔 不再被罪惡綁
祢是我永生盼望 祢愛有無比力量
從今時直到永遠 祢應許不會改變
祢的寶血 有能力 能醫治一切的傷口
祢的復活 能改變 一切的咒詛成為祝福
我們要高舉祢聖名 祢配得所有最大的讚美
我們要用全心 和全意 來敬拜祢
我們要歡迎祢來臨 願祢來設立寶座在這裡
我們要張開口 不停讚美祢

Fountain of Joy

For the past few days, I feel restless and uneasy. I find that by dancing and singing songs like this really cheered me up and helped me to give my burden to God. Hmm, when I get back to the States, I might sing this song along with my dance moves :)

It is Jesus who sets me free. I am so happy.

12/25/2010: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I’m still a bit too afraid to go on Facebook, so I’m taking my refuge here. Today is Christmas day and I wanted to share some of what I did on video!

Introduction, me singing “Jesus loves the little ones,” “Away in a Manger,” and my Christmas gift!

Me singing “I lift my eyes to the hills.”

 

Good night everyone and sweet dreams!

11/29/2010: To Bangladesh with love

11/29/2010: To Bangladesh with love

S: 5:20pm

E: 5:44pm

I was going to play computer games again but I was able to stop myself. It’s hard for me to stop playing. I have a great desire to satisfy my intellect. No! I cannot satisfy myself, I need to satisfy my spirit. Today is a good day because it is a day blessed with His love.

There is a pastor I met on Facebook named Pastor James Rana Biswas. We talked to each other and I found that he needed some financial help for his ministry. Yes! I thought. This is a chance to get treasures in heaven! So, for the next few weeks, I did my best to help him. I should have, however, prayed more, but I failed due to m weaknesses. Among the things he needed is a projector screen. I wrote need because although he doesn’t need it, he is a man living for God, therefore, he needs it. I was, however, unable to ship the projector screen directly to him, nor was I able to have it shipped here. A church friend, Jonathan, helped me and I received the package today. I took it and sent it to my post office and now it’s enroute to Bangladesh. I am so happy because know that I’m doing this for God’s kingdom.

Many people like to tell me that I hardly know him, that he may be a scam, that he may be fake, that he may be evil. No! It’s okay. These things don’t matter. I’m not doing this for man, I’m doing this for God. What he does with it will be up to the Lord’s perfect judgment. What matters is that God sees my act. God doesn’t need anything from us (Psalm 50:9-10), but the poor widow who gave two pennies, which is all she had, Jesus commended (Mark 12:43). When we help people, we must stop judging and just give. Don’t give to him, but give it to God through him. That gift will then belong to God and whether he does with it is none of my concern. God is the judge.

I think the same goes with homeless people. I know some people make a living off of begging, even though they might be rich. They might enjoy begging, I don’t know, but what matters is not how he will use it, or spend it, or blah blah blah with it, but what matters is I try to love and serve God by giving to the poor. We are limited. We see only the outside. We only know so much. But God is unlimited. He can see the heart and He knows everything. If someone pretends to be poor, or is poor, I will still give it to him or her because I love God. It is God’s love that allows me to love tax collectors and sinners. Obey God and let Him be the judge.

The desire to play that fun card strategy game is increasing. I cannot play that game because it satisfies my soul, not my spirit. I need to pray. I need to sing. I need to read the Pilgrims Progress. I am rereading that book because it’s awesome. All of us Christians are on this road and we need to be careful not to go astray. I still go astray anyways but what matters is not giving up!

 

是愛 It’s Love

1/27/2010

I finally got internet again. Praise God! I really don’t know who I’m writing these notes to. Many times, I would have so much things to write about and say but when it comes to an opportunity, like this, I suddenly grow afraid. If God knows everything, why am I writing this? I think writing this is a good way for me to be connected to God’s family, but…. I might just keep my privacy settings to “only me” so facebook would be for myself and I won’t be afraid.

I am reading “21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Dave Early (one of the books I brought at the PX). I am currently at reason number 8, but reading this book so inspires me and it touches my heart. Many of the reasons why bad things happen to good people pertains to me. I began to understand formally why suffering is such a good thing. Before, in basic and AIT, I suffered everyday harshly, yet, it was during those times when I was close to God. Now, I’m also suffering everyday. Yes, everyday is a life-threating day for me, yet, I have faith, and with faith, I am happy. I praise God that I can be happy, to smile, under harsh conditions. When my platoon had extra things to do, I wasn’t angry, many soldiers in my platoon are, but I wasn’t. I was at peace and content because I know God is watching over me. I know God knows and feels my pain. I am happy to know that I have an intercessor whom I can turn to. God knows pain because Jesus felt the ultimate pain by dying on the cross for our sins.

I must have more faith. Everyday is a day of faith. Everyday requires me to have faith. Faith to live my life to the fullest knowing that God is taking care of me. During my early days in this unit, the one fruit I kept focusing on is patience, is endurance. I had to learn to endure the harshness of life, to just trust in God. I believe now, it’s about faith. I must have faith that no matter what happens, God is in control.

Like today. Yesterday, our platoon did heavy work and most of us were tired and grumbling. I think they shouldn’t grumble. They are much stronger physically than me. When I start to grumble, it is for real. I feel ready to give up. I really feel pain, but I refuse to let others know. I’m afraid what might happen to me if I express my weaknesses. They may misjudge me. The only person that needs to know my pain and my weaknesses is God. Now today, our platoon had to help others out, since we got ours done early. I felt tired and stressed out. Many soldiers in my platoon were also grumbling too. I kept saying to God, “Lord, I love you and you are my God, but this is just too hard/much for me.” I cried and asked God to help me. I refuse and cannot blame God. It’s not his fault, it’s mine because I am just so weak. It was during that time when things became better. I was able to find time to rest in my room (legally because everyone else thinks I’m still at a meeting) and I was able to get internet again from a soldier in my platoon. Three weeks before deployment and he still chooses to order internet? I don’t understand, but, praise God. I was able to update ALL my 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) Chinese children Christian song into youtube. Hey, I promised to post at least one song per day, but since I didn’t have internet, I was making Christian videos all the time. I still have a few select Land of Dream storybooks to upload. Wow, it is such a wonderful pleasure to be able to do God’s work. It is such a blessing. I feel so happy listening to the songs of my youth, but happier still, that I’m able to share them. I received an e-mail telling me that the particular series wasn’t available in Singapore. Praise God.

So please, if you can understand Chinese, visit carbon191’s channel (me) and listen to some Chinese Christian children songs. They are wonderful.

I am still very weak, but God is helping me everyday. I want to suffer now. Suffering is a good thing because it draws me closer to God. It develops my character. It makes me a more mature Christian. It allows me to grow. God is near the broken-hearted. Amen. By saying I want to suffer, that’s wrong. I don’t want to suffer, but if suffering allows me to be a better Christian, than so be it. As long as God is watching me, even though at times, it may not seem so, I want to say that I am willing to suffer.

1/15/2010

1/15/2010

S: 10:41am

Losing my external hard drive also made me wonder why I use Facebook. If my backup is in heaven, then what is Facebook for? If my purpose is to give God glory, then what is Facebook for? Many times, and especially when I write notes, Facebook gets time consuming. And it will get even more time-consuming if I chose to “take control of Facebook.” Part of me wants to continue and embrace Facebook. It want me to make my Face book a true reflection of myself with notes, videos, pictures, etc. And I don’t care what other people think, it’s me. Another part of me wants to completely dump Facebook. Facebook is a waste of time. It’s not about me, it’s about God. Facebook is so time-consuming that it will affect my growth in the knowledge of God. Oh yeah, I went to the PX today, and not only did I buy a new laptop and external hard drive, I brought a whole collection of Christian books. I’m glad that the PX had so many wonderful Christian books for growth. And, when I went to buy a new laptop, I had no plan. Yet, I found in the catalog that today is the first day of their tech sale. Wow. Praise God. I brought a high-tech Sony laptop for $679 and I’m using it now.

Since I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook, I’m just going to choose the middle course until I decide which path to follow. But it’s not easy to walk both paths. Very soon, I would have to make a decision.

14 Jan 2010

14 Jan 2010

S: 7:33pm

I have something that happened to me today that trimupts my experience in the field, what happened after the field, and almost everything in my life. I lost my little ewe lamb.

Well, not an actual lamb, but my external hard drive. By losing that, I lost a lot of my personal information and ALL my pictures (but praise God, I still have the pictures of the girl I love, but I will delete it if it causes me to sin; she can’t “accept [my] feelings”). True, I used to have a copy of everything in my computer, but ever since I reformatted my computer, I no longer trust my computer and relied on my external hard drive. It’s so important to me that I actually comteptated suicide. I can’t go on with a big part of me missing. Someone probably stole it and used it for what it’s for, meat. Forget about the feeling, the emotions, or the experiences.

As I ponder about my loss (after looking like a poor widow trying to find her coin), I relized that my copy of everything is actually in heaven. God already knows everything. When I get to heaven, I can recall all the experiences in my life in a flash. I don’t really have to worry about keeping a personal backup. Now that I thought about it, I still have some of my pictures on Facebook. Heh, praise God for Facebook! Wow, Facebook is now my personal backup. My backup is now online. I wonder how long that will last.

Of course I feel angry on the person who stole it, but I hope that he (or she? probably not) will be changed by God because of it. I wrote a lot of God-stuff and I hope it can be used to evangalize to him. I also have all my important passwords, and yes, passwords that I can’t remember. Ouch, that will hurt, but I won’t change it. If he takes my money, it’s not my money he is stealing, but God’s, for all I have belongs to God.

And it’s also time for me to get a new computer. I used all my technial skill to fix my computer but it still failed. Even getting this on Facebook is a mircuale. I just hope I can use this time to backup what I DO have in this computer to a flash disk.

You know, I’m thinking of buying a box of external hard drives and just laying it on my bed when I deploy. I would make a poster that says “Jesus loves you” and leave it to that. This reminds me of an experience I had in AIT. One of the segarents would inspect our rooms everyday and mess their rooms up for no reason. Well, the segarents say they have a reason, like there’s a piece of trash on the floor, or the bunk isn’t dressed perfectly, or other bullshit reason. I know their motive, and it is to mess with soldiers just for the hell of it, in the name of training. My bunk would be flipped everyday and I wouldn’t know why. One day, I was tired of it, but I wanted to show God’s love to whoever is doing this evil thing. I took a piece of notebook paper, wrote in permeant marker “Jesus Loves You,” and taped a $20 bill to it. The next day, the flipping stopped. I looked underneath my pillow, and there it is, a $20 bill with “Jesus Loves You.” From then on, the seargents still check rooms, but they will only mess it up for obvious reasons. My bunk wasn’t flipped again for a long while. I find this kind of strange, but I didn’t really understand what was going on back then. Now I know, praise God.

And so, now I’m back from the field, but I still can’t “take control of my Facebook.” I would have to buy a new laptop and 2 external hard disks, just in case one of them get’s stolen.

1/15/10
S: 10:52

Praise God, I found an old backup of my pictures and most of my information, even through its several months out of date. I’m still content.

And also, I already went to the PX (its like a Wal-Mart to me) and brought a new laptop and ext. hard drive. A box? Nah, a little too expensive.

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10

S: 9:13am

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I am currently in the field, back only for showers. I’m happy, happy to know that God still loves me, and happy that I got a major burden off my chest.

Before I continue, I want to say that I will update my Facebook as soon as I can. I have a lot of things to write about, especially on Jan. 3. It’s going to be embarrassing, but, oh well, God knows everything.

Field is always hard for me, but somehow, at least so far, and I know God’s love will prevail, and even if he doesn’t, God is still there and he knows everything. I’m getting used to been treated inferiorly. I kind of thought to myself a poem that goes:

I don’t care if people mistreat me because they don’t know that God is the Judge.
I don’t care if people misunderstand me because they don’t know that God knows everything.
I don’t care if people hate me because they don’t know God’s love.
I don’t care if people make fun of me because they don’t know that God is the judge.

And I want to say:

I don’t care if I’m weak because God is strong.
I don’t care if I don’t know anything because God knows everything.
I don’t care if no one loves me because God loves me.

I was carrying a huge burden on my chest because there is a girl I’m in love with (for months) but I haven’t declared my love yet. It is such a burden that I couldn’t function normally. Right before the 10-day field event, I have to let it out and tell her, which I did. I felt so good, I felt so free. It kind of feels like when Christian knelt before the cross and his burden finally dropped. I am not going to say who, of course, I must protect her privacy and I cannot sin against God. I sent her letters that I wrote but never had the guts to send and now, I’m spending almost every free time in the field writing on my journal about her so I can type it once I get back and send it to her. It’s wonderful to be in love, but I know that she would probably reject me. She wrote back and told me that she was “shocked” and can’t “accept [my] feelings for [her],” but she “sympathizes with [me].” Mission impossible. I will still show the extent of my love unless she tells me to stop. Of course, because I must not sin against God.

Even if she says yes, I will still love God. If she says no, I will still love God. God knows everything and he already has given me so much. I’m doing this because I’m prepared. God is in heaven and I am on earth. I want to say that I will worship God even if I go to hell because he is worthy to be praised.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I tried to use my flip camera to record myself playing guitar (the songs “Hungry” and “Heaven is calling out to me”) and upload it on Facebook, but I forgot to bring the stand that comes with it. I was only able to record my face or the guitar, not both. My voice sounds okay. You know what? I don’t care if my voice sounds horrible or if I made mistakes. I’m doing this for God, not man.

Finally, after some time and thought, I’m wondering to myself why I even use Facebook. Originally, it was to give glory to God. But, after thinking to myself about it, and remembering some of the notes I wrote, I feel kind of ashamed of who I am. Do I really want people to see this? It’s me, yes, it’s truthful, yes, but should it be shared? I know there won’t be Facebook in heaven because we will all know each other lol, but how about now? What’s the point of Facebook, really? I feel the reason I use Facebook is not to completely give glory to God but so that others can “sympathize” with me and understand me. I will feel so alone without Facebook because I don’t have anyone to talk about spiritual matters and matters of the heart. But I’m trying right now ;)

I will also boot out my squad leader from FB because he’s too close for comfort. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.

12/28/09: About Baptism

12/28/09: About Baptism

 

Another thing that concerns me is baptism. I would feel more comfortable if it was just Jesus, Pastor John, and me there. As private as possible because if it’s open, I’m afraid people would not attend it. I’m afraid people would judge me because so few of them would attend my baptism. That might reinforce the fact that I’m not popular, or socially adept. It might bring the “who cares about Steven” mentality.

No, the truth is, I feel hurt when I’m not treated equally as others. Only this time, it’s my fault since I was really introverted and closed to my church before I joined the Army. I don’t want to know the truth because the truth hurts. I already know I’m unpopular. I already know that nobody cares about me equally. It’s painful enough. I don’t want to see the consequences of it. There are times when I just want to give trying to be with people and kill myself since without others I cannot survive. I tried going alone in the Army and it nearly drove me crazy. I was on the verge of death until I decided to take the guts to reconnect with God’s family. I might as well know the truth before I die, but I was wrong. I received many e-mails from my church asking how I was doing. Then, when I made a facebook account, I was surprised at the results. I am a lot closer to reality now, and I know the truth. People treat me differently at church because I am still an outsider. And I probably always will be. It’s painful; another thorn I have to endure.

But then, there are many times I tell myself: who cares? The only person I need is Jesus. With God, all things are possible. I can go through life alone with Jesus. I tried it. I can’t. I still sin against God. I needed Christians to help me spiritually against the forces of darkness (esp. flesh).

This is why I’m thinking, forget it. I don’t need to be baptized here. There are too many social repercussions for me. It’s too painful. And even if the people treated me equally, I might not be able to stand it, since I wasn’t used to it. But then, life is all about stepping outside the comfort zone and trusting in God. I tell myself frequently that many times, I can’t do it, but I will do it anyways because I trust in God and God will take care of me. And yes, God did take care of me even though sometimes it was in the end.

Then, another issue is, am I ready to be baptized? God helped me so much in the Army, I cannot deny it. I can write stories after stories about what the Lord had done for me. But, I still sin against God. Many times, I still choose to follow the desires of my flesh instead of God. I would be in conflict and agony until I give up to my flesh. Then, I would be in agony again because of it. I continue to follow God, I continue to seek Him, because I need Him, and He created me. My spirit says yes, but my flesh says no.

Lastly, I”m still thinking whether to make facebook a picture of my Dorian Gray, but it could be too embarrassing for me.

[untitled]

[written diary]

One reason why I stopped using Facebook is because I said a few things in public that should have been said privately. That’s the problem with these social networks. When we interact and everybody can read what you write it becomes like a drama. I use facebook so my friends and those close to me can know what is going on with my life. It is not meant to be a reality TV show. From now on, I will use the approrite channels to communicate. If I think my response is acceptable for everyone to read, I will reply publically, otherwise, its through private messaging.

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok, I have so many things to write about my life. Where should I start? Should I even start? Lol. I just called my mom in Taiwan about my heart of hearts and I’m glad I’m able to convey all my feelings and thoughts to her despite my fluent but limited Chinese. For one thing, it’s so hard to be perfect, to love and worship God, alone. I need a spiritual “battle buddy.” Sure, the Army provides me physically (food, water, shelter, etc) and my battle buddies in my barracks provide me physically but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. My dad also provides me physically, but that’s something I want to talk, I mean write, about later. I can’t be perfect with God alone. It’s too difficult. The Bible even says there is “none righteous, no, not one.” I need someone I can freely talk to, someone I can call, in case I get tempted, in case I get attacked by Satan. You can pretty much tell that I’m having trouble with God if I don’t update my facebook lol.

I don’t even know if I want to come back to Los Angeles during Christmas time anymore. I have nothing to look forward to over there. I don’t want to see my dad, and he has been calling me almost everyday. Of course I love my dad, but I hate the fact that he micromanages me to death. When I was 20, which is before I joined the Army, my dad has control over everything. I can’t drive my car, bike, go anywhere, or buy anything without consent from my dad. He even tries to control how much toilet paper I use. Many times, I would just lie and say I’m going to “study” just so I can get out. That, and other reasons why I am so deprived of the things of this world. I was afraid to even go shopping at age 20. I feel uncomfortable going by myself. I’m afraid to look up the yellow pages to call for services. The only thing I feel comfortable doing is staying in my room and playing third-world computer games. You know, free cheap games. I lack street smarts and so many of my skills are deprived and undeveloped. My dad provides me physically, but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Although he’s my dad, I look to him like my boss. It’s cold, unemotional, calculating. I can’t live like this. And of course, he’s the one who kicked me out the house and forced me to join the Army. That itself should be reason enough to ignore him. Now I know why my mom divorced lol.

The second thing is about my so called “friends” in church. I want to reconnect with them but they don’t want to talk to me. I send messages via facebook but they don’t respond. It’s like ever since I joined the Army, they don’t talk to me anymore. All they care about, I think, is about their college friends. Ooooo I’m in UCLA, ooooo I’m in UC Riverside, ooooo I’m in USC. Fuck you and your punk ass college. I’m pretty sure I’m more important than them since I’m going to spend eternity with you in heaven. But the thing I need most is a girlfriend. I want a girl who loves God and loves people. I want a girl whom we can pray everyday and sing everyday and worship God everyday. I can tell her all of my troubles and stresses. Then, then life will be bearable for me. Then, everyday will be like heaven lol. But, sigh, I’m just not good enough. To be truthful, I’m in love with a girl on Facebook. No, please don’t guess who, and if you do, I’m just going to lie. But of course, she’s in college. She’s 10x smarter than me, she has probably 10x more friends. Actually, make that 20 or 30x or more since I hardly have any lol. So fuck it, I won’t be able to find anyone. The Bible says a “virtuous wife, who can find?” Only Jesus can find one for me. Sigh, so depressing. This leads to another point.

Many times, actually almost all the time, I feel that the only friend I have is Jesus. Of course it’s wonderful to have Jesus, but I want a fully human friend. Someone I can talk to about anything, a “spiritual battle buddy.” I can’t fight against my flesh, the world, or Satan alone. I still try, but now, I do so more tactically.

You might see me on Facebook and see how emotional and open I am, but I am totally different in real life. I can’t trust people, and it’s painful. I act like a general lol. I’m cold, tactful, calculating, unemotional, meaner, and results-(or mission) oriented. This “don’t mess with me” type. And I’m also able to back myself up with threats. It’s fine. I would so much rather go to heaven now than later. Or if I don’t go to heaven, oh well. God’s the judge. This world is hell to me already.

I need to go to sleep soon, or tomorrow will be hell. To make this short, I’m coming back on my own terms. I already reserved a rental car, and got my planned ilternary. I will be living in a hotel from 25 Dec to 4 Jan. I will still, of course, stop by my dad’s house and show up to church. Maybe I should wear my ACU’s and make a noisy entrance. I was even joking about being in full battle rattle with my M16A2. Hooah! I will eat at Vietnamese restaurants, eating those yummy deserts. But, I will spend almost everyday hiking at the mountains. I love to sing and hike and be with nature. I want to go on higher ground. I may also revisit my past: Taking walks down my middle school (Thomas Jefferson), skating at Washington School (elementary school), go ice skating at the Pasadena rink, maybe go to Cloverly School and take a look, revisit SINWA education center, although most of my students are probably gone, and go to the beach. I can finally be free; I can finally have freedom. What I don’t want to do is playing computer games in my hotel room. Yes, I’m back to playing games again, but it’s high-class games now.

One of the things my dad kept telling me is to save money. Of course I’m saving money, I’m trying to save every penny I get. I would deprive myself of sport drinks or monsters and just drink water or MRE drink mixes. I always eat at the DFAC, and I go outside to eat only when forced. Like that platoon Hooters event. Ugh! My battle buddies know me; they know I love Jesus and all, so I can’t opt out. My only expenses are for charities, necessities (like blankets, toothpaste, and yes, internet), and a little on computer games. I’m currently sponsoring a child and a family from World Vision. I love helping people. I want to use my treasures on earth for something more permanent. I’m afraid though. When I want to help people, I always get the feeling that people just don’t trust me, no matter what my intent is. I feel like I’m releasing this aura of fear on people. Sigh. It seems like the only things people want from me is my money. Then money it is! I’m also letting my fellow soldiers borrow. A lot of them are getting broke due to poor financial management. Damn! Stop buying cigarettes and alcohol! And stop “celebrating” everytime you get a paycheck. That’s right. Many of my soldiers live paycheck-by-pay check. I could live for couple years in the Army and still have money to spare, damn! And with regards to money, I follow the principles of the Bible. I don’t ask for the money back. To me, money is just a sad necessity in this world. I want to use my money just to help people. I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. Then, everybody will help each other and the Law will be on everyone’s hearts. I don’t worship money, unlike my dad, I worship God.

I also look to my past a lot now. I remember what Shi-Min Lu, my former Junior High Sunday School teacher said:”Young people like you.. always look to the future, but people like me, we look to our past.” I asked her why not just look to the future, like we do? But she told me that people her age really has nothing to look forward to. For me, everyday has its own challenges, it’s unpredictable, but I look to my past, because it brings me comfort. I think of all the memories when I loved life, when it’s exciting, when It’s fun. I’m a dreamer, and I talk to myself all the time. Jesus is my best friend, and I am the second best friend. It’s fun and exciting to talk to yourself, if you know how. I think of solutions and ideas and brainstorm so much better if I talk to myself. I would talk about my past, sing, whatever. Be your own best friend.

I think looking to my past is why I loved 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams). I loved the stories, I loved the songs. I would sing them almost everyday. It’s a miracle for me to enjoy what I enjoyed so much in the past.
Ok! So I’m coming back on December 25, 2009 and leaving on January 4th 2010. I will act like Neo with his sunglasses on, so don’t expect me to behave to warmly.