11/14/2016: MDWG

11/14/2016: MDWG (My Date with God)

11:09pm – 11:37pm (session continues)
God, I come before You, so unworthy. Today is meant to be the day that I publish earlier versions of my dates with You, but Lord, I still struggle so much. The only thing that keeps me from greater sin is my desire to seek You above anything I want and to honor and respect my Christian brothers and sisters. If I have said thus, David said, I would have betrayed your children. But, surely God is good to Israel. Surely God is good to me.

Tell me the old old story. Help us God, protect us God. Times are going to get darker. How so, one may ask? It’s spiritual darkness, it’s evil, its’ choosing to be selfish, choosing to not love people and hating, and disrespecting God, your Creator. Remember not the sins of my youth and lead me to the way everlasting.

Tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story, tell me the old old story, of Jesus and His love. The only thing that I regret more than not fellowshipping with my Christian brothers and sisters is not fellowshipping with You. So help me God, to seek You more. Despite all the negativity, despite all my circumstances, despite all my seemingly hopelessness and failures, You are still my God and the God I love. You are the God I know.

All the songs that I posted in my past life, I can’t bear to look at them because something is not right with my relationship with You. Tell me the old old story. Tell me, Lord, of Jesus and your love. Remind me, remind us, O Lord, of what You have done for us. Of what You have suffered for us.

My blog, this blog, O Lord, is my story with You. Whether my stories are good or bad, it is still all about You. You own this blog, you own my discovery, you own my little dream.

Everyone can hate me, O God, everyone can ignore me; I can be an outcast, but I will still seek You and worship You. Jesus, put fear, holy fear, in those who do wrong, in those who plan evil, in those who are selfish. What is evil? It is being selfish. It is not saying more of You and less of me. Lord, more of You and less of me God. More of your desires and less of mine. More time spending with You and less time with mine. Jesus, your story is above our stories. Your plan is above our plans. Your ways is above our ways.

God I thank You for Your ways and Your plans. Lord, even if I’m not fully prepared, I’m still going to share your love with everyone. Even if my sword is still very dull, I will still pick up my sword and fight for love. Because as long as I seek You and follow You, you will hold me and watch over me. My feet will not dash against a stone. You will hold me in your right hand. Yes, it will be painful, and yes, it may be shameful, because I am ill-equipped, but what matters is I give my life to fight for your cause, in whatever capacity that I am capable in or best in, even if my best, O God, sucks.

Help me, God, not to be distracted by my own desires, by the present without You, and by other people whose plans don’t include You. God, I’m a man that is easily distracted. If I’m a soldier, what would happen? Lord, what will happen? I will lose but not die, until my time is up, thankfully, because the God I serve and worship is the God of life. And God will raise me up again and give me another chance. No Lord, it’s not a second chance, I long have wasted that, it’s my gazillion chances. But each time I fight for You and for love, which love comes from God, I will get better and better, thanks and all honor to You. But it will be painful, but You will carry me if I can’t go on. You, O God, see my heart, and you know when I’m at my limit, my limit without distractions, my limit while fully seeking You.

Thank You God for your mercy, thank You God for your grace. Thank you God for giving me opportunities. For you are the God of chances, you are the God of everything good. May all praise and honor be to You. May my life be less of me and more of You, less of me and more of You. My ways do not seek You completely but You want us to give You everything so we can have everything. Thank You Jesus. Tell us the old old story.
Song: Tell me the old old story- Hymn,

(session continues)

 

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

8/23/2013: Wei le Ai (Because of Love)

S: 12:12am
E: 1:01am

So to continue my written entry through typing, I want to ask myself a question, a obvious question. Why am I looking for a girlfriend? Because I need one. Why do I need one? Because a girlfriend, a soulmate gives me companionship. She can satisify me soulically, physically, mentally, and probably spiritually, if we worship and devote to God together.

I feel like I am cursed. I feel like I am cursed by God and scorned by men. I have the mark of Cain. I don’t understand why? I eagerly try to follow God and this is where it has brought me. Of course I mess up; of course I fail, but I always try to get back up on my feet. Being generous has given me poverty. Trying to love others has given me hate. I told myself that if other people were to love me half as much as I loved them, I would be like a hero. I would had no problems. Trying to follow God has given me suffering. But, you know, the funny thing is I’m still going to love God. Despite all this pain and conceived disadvantages, I’m still going to follow Him. Why? Because I know He is real and I know He has helped me before. I experienced Him in the Army. Despite my fallen state, despite my church-less state, I’m still going to be loyal to Him. I left my church because I felt angry at God for not helping me and giving me support. I want to serve my church; I want to serve Him, not for me but for His Glory. But, I wasn’t given the opportunity, and when opportunity does come, He did not give me the help and the resources to capitalize on the opportunity. I tried, I asked God for help. I feel, deep inside, that I can do more, so much more, if only I have the right kind of support and love. I am like a plant who cannot reach its full potential because it does not receive the right amount of nutrients. I tried to make them myself. I tried to synthize them. I tried to ask God for them. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough.

Why? Why is it that I don’t have a girlfriend? I am willing to die for her, just as Christ died on the cross for us. I am willing to give everything I have, my life, I am willing to change myself for her. I would serve her, of course, we would serve God first. I am willing to give so much love, to do so much if only, if only someone could be my girlfriend, my soulmate, my future wife.

What does it take? Do I need to bring a gun to her head and say “be my girlfriend” for her to be my girlfriend? I have tried for so long and I don’t know what to do. I hate to do evil but I feel that if no one loves me and cares about me, then I would rather just go out with a bang. I would excute my evil Samson Option. If I cannot love them and serve them even though I wanted to, then I will have no choice but to do evil. I want to teach them a lesson of what lack of love can do to a person. Look at Frankenstein. He was just a gentle and kind beast. But everyone in the story hated him and ran away from him. He travelled everywhere to find love but found none. He was forced to kill to protect himself. I feel like people are treating me like Frankenstein. I love people; I am willing to die for them, if only they love and care about me. If only a girl can share her life with me. Adam’s first human contact was not with another man, but with his future wife.

It is because of love that I chose to be a social worker. It is because of love that I volunteered for my church. It is because of love that I decided to push myself to be a better person. But if all my efforts are in vain, to love and be loved, then, like Frankenstein, I will have no choice but to do evil to survive. But that is as a last resort. I want to do good, not evil. And whatever I do, I know God will be my ultimate judge.

Coming back from Los Angeles, I brought most of my old journals with me. And a key theme, a key element of my entries is my desperation to find a girlfriend. What I am feeling then, back in 2006, back in 2003, is what I am also feeling now.

I don’t want to improve myself because no one loves me (unconditional love has much greater weight). I don’t want to improve myself just for the sake of self. I want to improve myself for myself so I can help others. But if I cannot help others because I don’t receive enough love, then life would be horrible for me. I would rather not live. I would have no motivation to live life. The reason why I’m playing so much computer games is because in those games, I can contribute, I can help. I am able to use my full potential to help others in that game. In Caesar 3, I am able to build my city so it can prosper and make others happy. In Battle Conquest, I fight the good side so I can push back the Armies of Darkness. I gain satisfaction from them because I am contributing something. If I cannot contribute good in this world then I would have to contribute evil. But I don’t want to so I must go out with a bang. I must end my life and probably the life of others so this world may learn what a lack of love can do to a person, to a person who actually wants to give the opposite.

And I feel, after writing this, that some girl might feel pity on me and may want to marry me. But I don’t want a girl to love me based on pity. My mom told me, before she divorced my dad, that she married him partly because she felt sorry for him. But that was a big mistake. I want a girl to love me, to marry me because she loves God and loves the way I am.

I am thinking of a Chinese Christian song that I learned from my church choir. I can’t write Chinese and I don’t know all the lyrics but here it is:

Wei le ai, ta lai dao shi xie shang (Because of love, He came to earth)

Wei le ai, ta bei ding shi zi jia (Because of love, He was nailed on the Cross)
Ta di ai, shi shi jie you pang wong. (His love, gave this world hope)

And it’s true. Because of God’s love, I have hope.

8/7/2013: Forgive and Forget / War Games

8/7/2013: Forgive and Forget / War Games

S: 10:13pm
E: 10:40pm

I will try, as Anna told me, to let God fight my battles instead of me fighting “with God” because I fail a lot. :(

I have been playing a game on Kongregate called “Battle Conquest.” It is a strategy game about good and evil. I’m hooked on those kinds of games. I have been talking to a player named “Joyce” and we were discussing about the guild wars that are going on.

In that game, players can not only fight for the light side (or dark), but can also fight for their respective guilds. The guild war that is going on right now is dividing our faction and interfering with our ability to fight against darkness. At the very end of a battle I typed “We should forgive and forget.” Joyce, who was fighting with me in that battle, sent me a message. What I want share is her last point:

“4) Forgiveness is an act of grace; takes people a while to learn grace in life.”

How true is her point. Part of the reason we are fighting guild vs. guild is because many of them have not experienced grace. I reply to her “God gave me grace and He helped me to forgive.” It’s not just because many of them have not reached stage six of Kohlberg’s Theory of Moral Development.

I made an observation yesterday about this infighting. In that game, it is guild vs. guild, but in this real world, it is nation vs. nation, kingdom against kingdom. Jesus said, “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom” (Matthew 24:7). However, like in the world of Battle Conquest, this world also has an ultimate war, a war of good and evil. I ended my message with:

“Personally, I want to be above all that. I’m not really loyal to one country. Loyal to an extent, yes, but I’m more loyal to the ‘good’ side in this game or the ‘father of lights’ in this world. I wish people can grow up more and realize there is a greater war than guild vs. guild or nation vs. nation.”

The ultimate purpose of Satan regarding mankind is to destroy it. He tried to kill Adam and Eve many times in the Book of Adam and Eve. What better way to destroy mankind than to pit man against man? With unjust war, we are destroying ourselves and fulfilling Satan’s wish. There is an ultimate world, an unseen world, a world of good and evil and that is the battlefront we must all fight in.

12/5/2012: The Serious Side of Jokes

12/5/2012: The Serious Side of Jokes

{S: 7:32pm}  People joke all the time and, believe it or not, I joke a lot, too.  I feel the abstract I wrote on my Facebook wall is my blog.  Haha.

Although people joke all the time, there are some things I will never joke about.  I told myself in the Army that “just because something is funny, doesn’t mean it’s right.”  There are a lot of things that are funny, but evil.  Unfortunately, what is funny to human beings tends to be evil.  Many times, I would think of something that is funny but would then stop myself because I realized that it’s wrong.  But, if I don’t joke soldiers may think something is wrong with me.  But thankfully, I do joke enough and I get my jokes from the “nice” school of jokes.

It should be put out that what people do outwardly, whether it is saying something or doing, tells something about that person.  They are the “fruits” (Luke 6:44) of that person.  Thus, what a person says, no matter if he or she is joking or is trivial, tells something about that person for “out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).

If a person is willing to joke negatively about girls, for example, even though that person is joking, it still tells me something about that person.  It tells me his or her inner beliefs.  It should be obvious.

Thus, joking has a serious side.  What people joke, they do in war.  When people can’t do something, they joke about it, but when the opportunity comes, they most likely carry out what they joked about.

Ok, I feel I’m really bad in arguing.  There is a difference between writing passionately and writing because I have to or, in this case, I promised to.  I don’t know.  I feel if I take out the “feelings” in writing, the piece becomes more stale.

Right now, I am working on my ten-page literary criticism research paper.  It is an elephant but I can do it.  I reworked my outline so that I can write on and on without going off-topic.  Thus, my problem is just to write.  There’s so much to write!  I feel the symptoms of a mental breakdown that’s why I can’t write my research paper anymore.  I know my radar; I know myself.  When I feel myself slipping, I take a break.  Sometimes I do “quick-strikes” and other times I do “general battles” on my research paper.  Like “Soldier’s Home” by Ernest Hemingway, almost everything I do is like war.

+

So, in this section, I want to write about feelings.  I want to will myself to love quiet time because I feel it is in quiet time that I make the most difference.  I fight on my knees.  That means I fight in prayer.  But, realistically, I don’t just fight on my knees.  I spend more time walking around or going prone than on my knees.  It is a great gift, a great relief, to have the ability to give all my worries and cares to God because “he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).  When I feel stressed out, I can just talk to God what’s bothering me and I will feel much better.  It takes time; it develops overtime on the spiritual journey to have this release.

I feel I am like a social worker now.  I am helping my cousin but I feel sometimes there is only so much I can do.  I feel like that person can’t be helped.  I feel like I have been helping that person for so long now and that person is just looking at their past that they don’t see the future and no matter how hard I tried, they still look back.  Well, part of it is my fault.  I myself didn’t look at the future clearly enough.  If I did, I would have had that person apply for aid.  I am still so inexperienced in this world.  But I don’t let my inexperience hinder me from having the wisdom and the courage to attempt to help others.  The only way to gain experience, unfortunately, is to fight.  By fighting, I mean I can fight either by reading books about it or by actually doing it, but, I cannot just try to run or hide from it.  {E: 8:11pm}

My Story as a Teacher: Brian’s Story

11/18/2010: Brian’s Story

S: 1:27am
E:

You know, from now on, I’m going to share my stories not chronologically, but individually, through each student. Every one of my students has a story to share.

Right now, I am on guard duty with Sgt. Rivera. Normally, I would feel tired, but I feel the Lord giving me some additional strength lately. Praise the Lord. Sgt. Rivera is currently taking child psychology and writing her final essay. Curiously, I decided to skim through her textbook. The book is filled with theories and viewpoints. Inside me, I already know a lot about children because the Bible teaches me about people. I feel the best theory, no, the truth, comes from the knowledge of God through His Word. With my Bible, I understand almost everything. I skimmed and saw one topic that interested me: “Morality, Altruism, and Aggression.” I looked through the chapter and especially Kohlberg’s theory of moral development. In it, I found that conscience comes from God, and those who learn God’s ways tend to be in the later stages. I immediately remembered my method of teaching children about morality during my tutoring years. It was then when I wanted to tell my story as a teacher through the stories each of my students gave me.

When I discipline my students (I call them my “children”) or teaching them right from wrong, I tried to invoke their God-given conscience. I believe that every child, deep inside, knows right from wrong. I have a seventh-grader at that time, named Brian, who always gets into trouble by hurting people. He’s very smart; he’s taking algebra at that time; but he also does evil things. He would cuss, make fun of, and insult at fellow students, especially students younger than him. He would throw stuff at them, or do evil pranks that make other students cry. For a time, I asked Mrs. Wu to remove him because he’s being such a troublemaker, however, probably due to money and her mother being involved in transporting students to our center, my boss resisted. This is sad. Every time he gets in trouble, which is, in my memory, everyday, I would always try to appeal to his conscience. I remember despite his evil, I am always still loving, kind, forgiving, but also just to him.

Every time he does evil, I always ask, “Brain, why are you doing this?”
“Because it’s fun,” Brain would reply.
“I know its fun. It’s fun for you, but it’s not fun for them” I said.

Sometimes, then, he would say that I’m wrong; that the other party also has fun when he’s doing things to them. To that, I ask questions. I want him to see that the other side is not having fun.

“How is he having fun?” I asked. “Look, he’s crying” or “See, he’s sad. He doesn’t want you to bother him.”

That usually is enough to stop his self-justification. Then, I would continue.

“Brain, you know hurting others is wrong. You need to do the right thing.”

And then he could complain, even try to dispute that he’s wrong, but I feel deep inside, he knows what’s right and wrong.

I try to teach my children stage 6 of Kohlberg’s theory of moral development. I dislike punishing them like giving them time-outs, being mean to them, withholding love, etc, because these methods don’t teach them the real reason to do good. They should do good because it is the right thing to do. And, I call them my “children” because God has entrusted me these kids for a period of time. They are my children from 2:30 to 5pm.

There’s a cartoon from my SOG’s (sergeant of the guard) textbook that I want to share with you:
Principle: [Sitting and angrily pointing his finger at kid] Ira, you will be punished if I ever catch you cheating again!

Kid: Yes, sir.
[Next scene]
Kid: [to teacher] Mr. Grimmis wants me to cheat more carefully.

Ha! Lol. I think it’s funny, but I think it also teaches an important lesson. If we don’t invoke their conscience, the real reason why to do the right thing, these kids will never learn it. They will learn not to do wrong things not because it’s wrong, but so they won’t get into trouble. Martin Luther King Jr. said in a sermon that our society is changing from a conscience-based society to a punish-based one:

“Midnight is the hour when men desperately seek to obey the eleventh commandment, ‘Thou shalt not get caught.’ According to the ethic of midnight the cardinal sin is to be caught and the cardinal virtue is to get by. It is all right to lie, but one must lie with real finesse. It is all right to steal, if one is so dignified that, if caught, the charge becomes embezzlement, not robbery. It is permissible even to hate, if one so dresses his hating in the garments of love that hating appears to be loving. The Darwinian concept of the survival of the fittest has been substituted by a philosophy of the survival of the slickest. This mentality has brought a tragic breakdown of moral standards, and the midnight of moral degeneration deepens.”
If we don’t teach kids right and wrong, the real reason why to do good and the real reason why not to do evil, then kids will eventually adopt the survival of the “slickest.” They can do evil as long as they don’t’ get caught.

For Brian, I wanted to change him to become a better person. Working hours is not enough time so I played tennis with him and gave him my number so he can call me in case he needs help on his homework. I want to be an example of love and kindness. I want to be a role-model to him.

I got some stories to tell. There are times when I talked to him on the phone for more than an hour helping him on his essay. I joked with him and talked nicely to him. I want to be a friend as well as his mentor. I remember going to my computer, helping him find information, going to my family’s encyclopedia collection, to alternating in the kitchen talking to him. After the conversation, my dad would often ask who called me. I told him I was helping one of my students. My dad, however, would rebuke me for wasting my time on others. I disagree, however. I want to spend my time to help others because it’s the right thing to do. My purpose in life is to help people.

And then there are the tennis games. Sometimes we would play at Washington School, other times at Garvy Park (by Hellman Ave.). Although I played better than him, I still suck too. I remember seeing his disappointment when I kept hitting the net when serving or taking my first or second shot. I remember waiting for a long time, with my bicycle and tennis racket waiting for him to show up. Once, he never did, but that didn’t stop me from trying to connect with him.

Brian’s mom, as I said before, helped to transport some of my students to the center. I told her many times about her son’s bad behavior but, in the end, she told me she tried to do everything to help him but failed. She asked me to help her by helping him. I realized their family is divorced. Brian doesn’t have a father and I was told that might be a cause of his aggression. Well, then, I will be a male role-model for him. Slowly, towards the end of my tutoring tenure, I sensed Brian is becoming a better person.

Unfortunately, I joined the Army before I can fully change him. The last, or second to last day in LA, I invited Brian to play tennis. He brought some of his friends along. It was there when I told him I’m joining the Army and I said good-bye. I tried to contact him once during my Christmas leave, but he didn’t answer. I hope he becomes a better person and I hope he becomes closer to God.

5/23/2011: The dangers of false predictions

5/23/2011: The dangers of false predictions

S: 7:56pm
E: 8:44pm

Few months ago, when I was still in Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, I read the Army newspaper titled something like “End of the World.” It caught my attention so I flipped to that section and began to read it. It says that the world is going to end on May 21, 2011. I saw other soldiers reading the same page and I wondered if the world really is going to end. I know, intuitively, that we are living in the end times and that Jesus is coming back within my lifetime, however, is it this soon?

As the predicted Judgment Day comes closer and closer, I began to be a bit afraid, and I did some research to find out whether that day is correct. It was inconclusive, but I felt that it is unlikely for Jesus to come on May 21. What about the Arab-Russian invasion of Israel (Ezekiel 38:2-23)? What about the two witnesses (Rev. 11:3)? What about the one-world government and money system (Rev. 13:7,8)? What about the mark of the beast on the unbeliever’s foreheads (Rev. 13:16)? What about the two hundred million army from the kings of the East (Rev. 9:16)? What about the “abomination that causes desolation?” (Matthew 24:15).

In Matthew 24:36, Jesus said that “no one knows about that day or hour… but only the Father.” How then can man know? I looked to their website http://worldwide.familyradio.org/en/ and they claimed that a secret book in Daniel (Daniel 12:4,9) was sealed until the time of the end. And though that book, and various calculations and assumptions, they managed to find the date.

Some soldiers, before the Judgment Day, asked me if it really is going to happen. They know I’m spiritual and they asked me for advice. I told them that although I cannot give a definite answer, most likely, it is not going to happen. But, I told them that what’s more important than knowing when is to be prepared. Are you prepared for the end? It’s sad that these soldiers say, “no, I’m not prepared, but it’s too late for me.” Some soldiers say that the predicted day is just a scam; that it will just be like the Y2K scare. Thus, I want to describe the dangers of a false prediction:

1) Unbelievers may think that the Bible is wrong.

The Bible is never wrong. It is some misguided Christians who are wrong. By boldly proclaiming a date in God’s name and for it not to come true, they become false prophets. People don’t see that. They see it as Christianity is wrong, that the Bible is wrong in the end times. One of the soldiers loudly said, “Jesus is wrong!” It hurts for me to hear these words but they were tricked. They were told by Christians that the world is going to end and it didn’t happen.

2) Unbelievers may increase their wickedness just before the end

It was Friday, May 20 2011, the last day before the supposed end will come. I heard remarks from soldiers that “the world is going to end anyways. I might as well party and have some fun before the end.” Instead of using the end date as a reason to be saved, they will use it as an excuse to be more wicked. I heard everything from soldiers going to wild parties and getting drunk, to having sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll. If more false predictions come, non-believers will not take these end dates seriously and will just use that as an excuse to sin more.

3) It will be harder to convert people to Christ

To non-believers, this will just be another reason why not to be a Christian. Why? Because they are wrong. It never happened. The Bible is full of errors and mistakes. It is written by man, not God. It’s very sad that one of the side-effects of well-intentioned Christians proclaiming a false date is a more stony ground to sow seeds for Christ.

It is very dangerous for Christians, or anyone, to prophesize something and be wrong. It hurts the gospel; it hurts everyone involved. It is better not to say anything than to say something falsely. That is why the Bible gives false prophets the punishment of death (Deuteronomy 18:22).

4/6/2011: Protecting Her

4/6/2011: Protecting Her

S: 6:41pm

E: 7:29pm

On Tuesday, my section (Relay) had a new member. She is white, eighteen years-old, engaged, and fresh out of AIT. Her face features reminds me somewhat of the girl I used to love. Looking at her and knowing what my section does the past few days made me want to protect her.

It’s sad, but today after lunch, I almost couldn’t handle it. I left the relay office and stayed at the empty hallway. It had almost come to a point where I either step forward and attack (as sometimes I did in Kuwait), or take a step back and withdraw (in the Army before Kuwait). I know the consequences of stepping back and withdrawing. My light grows dim; I would not fully express what the normal Christian life with nonbelievers (peace, love, forgive, pray) should be. I would be a bad example of a role-model to them if I just slink away and withdraw myself. No! When battle comes, when darkness comes, I must not retreat; I must fight! Yet, stepping forward and attacking made me very nervous. What if I mess up? What if I say something that is unwise and they capitalize on it (ex. Kuwait)? What if they ask a question that I couldn’t answer? What if? The only way I can step forward and attack (not attack them but the evil that comes from them) is if God’s Presence is with me. I need what Moses had when he led the Israelites: That he won’t go another step without the presence of God. If God is for me, then yes, I can fight. I prayed for strength, courage, but above all, for wisdom. I need God’s wisdom in this situation. I was thinking about bursting inside the office and trying to start a revival, but I know I must ask God for wisdom first. The call for revival must be clear; I can’t do it just because I feel like it.

Why did it come to this? Because almost everyone in my section (they all come from Qutar; I came from Kuwait), delights in evil. They love to joke around talking about anything regardless if it’s evil or not. They demean women and calling them “bit*hes” or “wh*res.” They talk about doing all sorts of evil things not only to women, but to almost everyone. They discuss evil plans just because it’s “funny.” Sure, if you ask them, they will just say they are joking around. Can’t they joke around and have some fun? I’m not against joking, in fact if it is pure, I’m all for it. I love to laugh, smile, and have a good time, but only if it is within the framework of the Bible, for I know that ultimate pleasure comes from God. There is one person in particular that is causing this mess, two soldiers that say evil and feed off each other. Almost every word he says in the office is a joke and almost every other sentence he says is offensive. He loves to talk and he talks the whole time. These people in my office don’t like silence. I love silence because I can listen to my inner voice and to God’s voice. His roommate, when I used to know him, was a quiet, nice, helpful person. Now, he still has these qualities, but with the troublemaker, he became similar to him. They love to joke and anything that is funny, regardless if it is wrong or not, they will say. There is no boundary that they will not say. Actually, there is, and only because society limits them and not from themselves. It’s sad. I know these people have hard lives in the past, but that’s still no excuse for their behavior.

In the office, there is so much evil talk that I can’t focus. I either try to sleep or pray. Some people, when they talk, they talk as if they had authority, and it’s sad that in my case, it is the troublemakers. I decided, at one time this morning, to get a sheet of paper and write over and over “Give me strength, give me courage, and above all, give me wisdom.” I have to fight against this evil from infecting my mind. Sometimes I laugh at their evil jokes but only because I’m human. When possible, I always try to pray for these people. I pray that they can have hope because I remember that it is hope that kept me alive and have a close relationship with Him. I pray that they can have the gift of salvation because my pastor at church told us that the feeling of repentance is a gift of salvation and comes from God. Praise God that I have this gift so I may have hope. I also pray that God can write His Law into their hearts. God will do that to the Israeli people and they will seek Him.

For my battle plan, I need to continue to pray for them, in and out of work, that they can have hope. I also need to continue to love them and help them if they need help. For their conversations, I will try to join in but to remain blameless before God. We cannot be silent in the face of evil. I will still be their friend and develop positive relationships. Hopefully, with God’s help, I can someday bring them to repentance. I told the troublemaker yesterday riding in his car that “the pleasure of girls is nothing compared to the pleasures of God.”

Praise God that yesterday, she came to me in the DFAC, and asked for more information. The conversation developed into getting mailboxes since we both need them. I talked to her along the way and we discussed about our lives. Her husband-to-be is also in the military and she wanted to be a nurse. She asked more questions about going to college in the Army and I told her my experiences with online college while in Kuwait. I also warned her about the jokes our section makes and especially about the troublemaker. She seemed sweet, nice, but also innocent.

This weekend, most of my section is going to a theme park to play. I’ve been there before with the battery, so I know that it’s clean. Even though I cannot join in with them when they are talking evil, I still need to love them and be with them because God loves them. I pray that they can have hope. Hopefully, they will have hope.

1/23/2011: Better than them

1/23/2011: Better than them

S: 7:47pm

E: 8:33pm

I don’t know how to start this. People read what I write and people are concerned about first impressions. It’s like I know what to write but I don’t know how to disseminate the information. This is the gift of a teacher. A teacher knows stuff but he or she has to find a way to share the information so everyone else can understand as good as the teacher. Just as I’m trying to think how my former students think and process learning information, I’m trying to think of how to approach this. I’m glad when we go to heaven, time will not be a matter, so therefore, first impressions will not matter. I can spend infinity and infinity with everybody.

I just found out what an evil and wicked person I am. Of course I know that I’m evil and everyone is evil because we are born in sin, but I am just beginning to realize the extent of my sin and uncleanness. Knowing God is not a substitute for following God. I found this out the hard way. I can read so much about God, read the Bible, pray, love, etc, etc, but if I don’t follow Him, everything will go haywire. That no matter how much we know about God, we still cannot live righteously. The way to live righteously is to pick up our cross and follow God (Matthew 10:38). Knowledge about God cannot change sinful human nature.

This is where I failed yesterday. After a frustrating day of work, I came to my room and I’m glad I can finally detress and unwind with Sunday, a free day, ahead of me. There was nobody in our tent. I laid down on my bed and temptations came to me. This is your chance, my mind told me, there is nobody here. Nobody will know. I was tempted to check pornography. But then, I remembered what I wrote yesterday about the dangers of unwinding in God or in the world. I got up my bed and decided to write a discovery about my hardship when I was trying to sleep (but can’t) on Friday night and what I learned.

After writing about half-way, I had a need to use the latrine, so I went, took a dump, and came back. However, when I came back, my flesh won over. I thought screw it, I’m just going to check and relieve myself really quick. Nobody will know. Well, God will know, but He will be the judge. I have to; I can’t help myself. So I got out of bed, closed my half-written discovery without saving, and checked porn. Granted, I had a good time but I knew that short-term gain is not worth long-term pain. After that incident, my morals went downhill. I played computer games. Adult Japanese computer games. I did not eat dinner that night because I feel so afraid. Just as Adam hid in the bush after eating the forbidden fruit, I want to hide in my room and enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. And that vicious cycle went on until today. When I realized that I’m not as good as a person I think I am.

I look at my battle buddies, fellow soldiers and they talk about sin openly. They talk about sex, girls, hate, they spread gossip, etc. They spend a lot of their time watching racy movies, some even porn movies. I know soldiers who have gigabytes of porn. I can’t believe it. They live on what feels good. I shun their behavior. I try to avoid them. I try to help them. But then, half an hour before I started writing this discovery, a realization came to my mind: That I am just as sinful, if not more sinful then they. The only thing that separates me from them is that I try to do good, that I try to follow God, that I have organized resistance against evil. I look at them and I’m glad I know and love God, that I’m not a “sinner or tax collector” (Matthew 9:11).

Matthew 9:10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples.

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 18:9-14)

So many times, I know I’m an evil person, I know that I sin (specifically, fall into temptation) all the time but at least I’m not that bad as them. I don’t talk about evil (much), I don’t watch porn movies, I don’t do these nasty things, but yet, I do them in the safety of my own room. I’m being like a Pharisee, too. I don’t’ do these evil things openly and I disapprove those who do and I try to help and pray for them, but yet, I myself do those things secretly. I heard from the Barnes Poll that a third of pastors check porn at least once a month. That’s shocking. Today, I discovered that knowing about God and experiencing Him is no substitute for following Him. I can know God, I can praise and say He has done wonderful things for me, but yet, if I chose not to follow Him, I am no better than a sinful and evil man. If I don’t follow God, I am no better than people living in the days of Noah.

And this is one reason why I’m so afraid and ashamed to be out with people. Because I feel so guilty and ashamed of my sins. Because I feel such a hypocrite.

Proverbs 28:1 The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.

After sinning against God, there are times when I want to “flee from his presence” (Psalm 139:6), yet, as the Psalmist wrote, no matter where I go, God will still be there. I cannot run, I cannot hide, I can only repent.

14 Jan 2010

14 Jan 2010

S: 7:33pm

I have something that happened to me today that trimupts my experience in the field, what happened after the field, and almost everything in my life. I lost my little ewe lamb.

Well, not an actual lamb, but my external hard drive. By losing that, I lost a lot of my personal information and ALL my pictures (but praise God, I still have the pictures of the girl I love, but I will delete it if it causes me to sin; she can’t “accept [my] feelings”). True, I used to have a copy of everything in my computer, but ever since I reformatted my computer, I no longer trust my computer and relied on my external hard drive. It’s so important to me that I actually comteptated suicide. I can’t go on with a big part of me missing. Someone probably stole it and used it for what it’s for, meat. Forget about the feeling, the emotions, or the experiences.

As I ponder about my loss (after looking like a poor widow trying to find her coin), I relized that my copy of everything is actually in heaven. God already knows everything. When I get to heaven, I can recall all the experiences in my life in a flash. I don’t really have to worry about keeping a personal backup. Now that I thought about it, I still have some of my pictures on Facebook. Heh, praise God for Facebook! Wow, Facebook is now my personal backup. My backup is now online. I wonder how long that will last.

Of course I feel angry on the person who stole it, but I hope that he (or she? probably not) will be changed by God because of it. I wrote a lot of God-stuff and I hope it can be used to evangalize to him. I also have all my important passwords, and yes, passwords that I can’t remember. Ouch, that will hurt, but I won’t change it. If he takes my money, it’s not my money he is stealing, but God’s, for all I have belongs to God.

And it’s also time for me to get a new computer. I used all my technial skill to fix my computer but it still failed. Even getting this on Facebook is a mircuale. I just hope I can use this time to backup what I DO have in this computer to a flash disk.

You know, I’m thinking of buying a box of external hard drives and just laying it on my bed when I deploy. I would make a poster that says “Jesus loves you” and leave it to that. This reminds me of an experience I had in AIT. One of the segarents would inspect our rooms everyday and mess their rooms up for no reason. Well, the segarents say they have a reason, like there’s a piece of trash on the floor, or the bunk isn’t dressed perfectly, or other bullshit reason. I know their motive, and it is to mess with soldiers just for the hell of it, in the name of training. My bunk would be flipped everyday and I wouldn’t know why. One day, I was tired of it, but I wanted to show God’s love to whoever is doing this evil thing. I took a piece of notebook paper, wrote in permeant marker “Jesus Loves You,” and taped a $20 bill to it. The next day, the flipping stopped. I looked underneath my pillow, and there it is, a $20 bill with “Jesus Loves You.” From then on, the seargents still check rooms, but they will only mess it up for obvious reasons. My bunk wasn’t flipped again for a long while. I find this kind of strange, but I didn’t really understand what was going on back then. Now I know, praise God.

And so, now I’m back from the field, but I still can’t “take control of my Facebook.” I would have to buy a new laptop and 2 external hard disks, just in case one of them get’s stolen.

1/15/10
S: 10:52

Praise God, I found an old backup of my pictures and most of my information, even through its several months out of date. I’m still content.

And also, I already went to the PX (its like a Wal-Mart to me) and brought a new laptop and ext. hard drive. A box? Nah, a little too expensive.

12/14/09

12/14/09

S: 7:59am
E: 8:01am

Since my life is about over, I might was well be more connected to myself and, of course, with God. My life sucks, heh. Again, this world is too evil for me, my life is too hard to me, and my flesh is too weak for me. I can’t live like this. It’s too late now, its over. It’s already over.

I will just love God and be at peace with Him.

He is the first and is the last.