I haven’t been writing everyday and perhaps it might be a good idea to start. Many troubles surround me; it seems like I am facing an enemy I cannot defeat. I cry; it sorrows my heart but I cannot let other people know. Secret pains are the worse. I know others can’t help me with this. Well, they could; in theory, everyone could help me; but I know they will not be willing and if I tell it out, many of my friends, as what the Bible says, will forsake me. So I am carrying a hidden pain, a hidden wound, a trial that I hope, can be a blessing in disguise.
In a way, I’m glad I face this trial. I would never have faced this if I’m still in the Army. This trial has indeed been a blessing in disguise. It helped me to focus and devote myself more to God. It helped me to focus more on my studies. And it helped me to pray for others more.
Friends and sociability may not come my way. I am lonely many times and I long closeness. Well, some of the time. Other times, I prefer to be alone, to be by myself so I can focus on my studies and talk to God more. So I am split between trying to be more socially active and being a lonely paladin in my room. If I do choose to be with others, I want the time spent to be enduring. I’m more apt to go to prayer meetings, or worship sessions, or things that help the world to be good like volunteering. I would volunteer if I can, but I can’t.
Because of my course load and my secret burden, I cannot be as active in the public sphere as I want to. However, I thought of a phase that alleviates my pain.
I never thought of it even though I seem to have been living this throughout my Army life: “If I have God, I have everything.” If I have God, I have everything. If I can talk to God, I have everything. If I can praise God, I have everything. If I can love God, I have everything and so on. Why? The answer is obvious to me but to explain it to everybody else: The battle belongs to the Lord (Proverbs 21:31), He is all-powerful and all-loving (Psalms 62:11-12), and He is the god of justice (Ecc. 12:14). As the hymn “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” goes, I can “take it to the Lord in prayer.”
Even if I have nothing, if I have God, I have everything.