9/7/2012: Everything

9/7/2012: Everything

I haven’t been writing everyday and perhaps it might be a good idea to start.  Many troubles surround me; it seems like I am facing an enemy I cannot defeat.  I cry; it sorrows my heart but I cannot let other people know.  Secret pains are the worse.  I know others can’t help me with this.  Well, they could; in theory, everyone could help me; but I know they will not be willing and if I tell it out, many of my friends, as what the Bible says, will forsake me.  So I am carrying a hidden pain, a hidden wound, a trial that I hope, can be a blessing in disguise.  

In a way, I’m glad I face this trial.  I would never have faced this if I’m still in the Army.  This trial has indeed been a blessing in disguise.  It helped me to focus and devote myself more to God.  It helped me to focus more on my studies.  And it helped me to pray for others more.  

Friends and sociability may not come my way.  I am lonely many times and I long closeness.  Well, some of the time.  Other times, I prefer to be alone, to be by myself so I can focus on my studies and talk to God more.  So I am split between trying to be more socially active and being a lonely paladin in my room.  If I do choose to be with others, I want the time spent to be enduring.  I’m more apt to go to prayer meetings, or worship sessions, or things that help the world to be good like volunteering.  I would volunteer if I can, but I can’t.  

Because of my course load and my secret burden, I cannot be as active in the public sphere as I want to.  However, I thought of a phase that alleviates my pain.

I never thought of it even though I seem to have been living this throughout my Army life: “If I have God, I have everything.”  If I have God, I have everything.  If I can talk to God, I have everything. If I can praise God, I have everything. If I can love God, I have everything and so on.  Why?  The answer is obvious to me but to explain it to everybody else: The battle belongs to the Lord (Proverbs 21:31), He is all-powerful and all-loving (Psalms 62:11-12), and He is the god of justice (Ecc. 12:14).  As the hymn “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” goes, I can “take it to the Lord in prayer.”

Even if I have nothing, if I have God, I have everything.

14 Jan 2010

14 Jan 2010

S: 7:33pm

I have something that happened to me today that trimupts my experience in the field, what happened after the field, and almost everything in my life. I lost my little ewe lamb.

Well, not an actual lamb, but my external hard drive. By losing that, I lost a lot of my personal information and ALL my pictures (but praise God, I still have the pictures of the girl I love, but I will delete it if it causes me to sin; she can’t “accept [my] feelings”). True, I used to have a copy of everything in my computer, but ever since I reformatted my computer, I no longer trust my computer and relied on my external hard drive. It’s so important to me that I actually comteptated suicide. I can’t go on with a big part of me missing. Someone probably stole it and used it for what it’s for, meat. Forget about the feeling, the emotions, or the experiences.

As I ponder about my loss (after looking like a poor widow trying to find her coin), I relized that my copy of everything is actually in heaven. God already knows everything. When I get to heaven, I can recall all the experiences in my life in a flash. I don’t really have to worry about keeping a personal backup. Now that I thought about it, I still have some of my pictures on Facebook. Heh, praise God for Facebook! Wow, Facebook is now my personal backup. My backup is now online. I wonder how long that will last.

Of course I feel angry on the person who stole it, but I hope that he (or she? probably not) will be changed by God because of it. I wrote a lot of God-stuff and I hope it can be used to evangalize to him. I also have all my important passwords, and yes, passwords that I can’t remember. Ouch, that will hurt, but I won’t change it. If he takes my money, it’s not my money he is stealing, but God’s, for all I have belongs to God.

And it’s also time for me to get a new computer. I used all my technial skill to fix my computer but it still failed. Even getting this on Facebook is a mircuale. I just hope I can use this time to backup what I DO have in this computer to a flash disk.

You know, I’m thinking of buying a box of external hard drives and just laying it on my bed when I deploy. I would make a poster that says “Jesus loves you” and leave it to that. This reminds me of an experience I had in AIT. One of the segarents would inspect our rooms everyday and mess their rooms up for no reason. Well, the segarents say they have a reason, like there’s a piece of trash on the floor, or the bunk isn’t dressed perfectly, or other bullshit reason. I know their motive, and it is to mess with soldiers just for the hell of it, in the name of training. My bunk would be flipped everyday and I wouldn’t know why. One day, I was tired of it, but I wanted to show God’s love to whoever is doing this evil thing. I took a piece of notebook paper, wrote in permeant marker “Jesus Loves You,” and taped a $20 bill to it. The next day, the flipping stopped. I looked underneath my pillow, and there it is, a $20 bill with “Jesus Loves You.” From then on, the seargents still check rooms, but they will only mess it up for obvious reasons. My bunk wasn’t flipped again for a long while. I find this kind of strange, but I didn’t really understand what was going on back then. Now I know, praise God.

And so, now I’m back from the field, but I still can’t “take control of my Facebook.” I would have to buy a new laptop and 2 external hard disks, just in case one of them get’s stolen.

S: 10:52

Praise God, I found an old backup of my pictures and most of my information, even through its several months out of date. I’m still content.

And also, I already went to the PX (its like a Wal-Mart to me) and brought a new laptop and ext. hard drive. A box? Nah, a little too expensive.



S: 8:26pm

Everyday is a day of weakness for me. I know. Life in this world no supposed to be roses all the way, and for me, life will just be full of suffering. People ask me why I join the Army. I answer them by saying I serve the Lord. I joined the Army to serve the Lord. But it’s painful to just see earthly defeats all the time. It’s hard to take it, hard to bear. I get tired, weak easily. I tend to run out of breath easily, probably thanks to my past Army life. I did what I can, I did my best given my weaknesses and ability at that time.

It’s okay if men ride over me. I am not on this world to defend myself. I am here simply to trust and obey God. If he leads me to Shoel, so be it, he is my God and my King. I will still trust and obey him. There is no other way.

What really got me was tonight’s ground guiding. I am just not talented, not skilled enough to do my job. Despite my best efforts, I mess up so much. It’s depressing to feel the pain and the shame and the suffering that comes as a result of my actions, actions I have viturally no control over. It’s okay, because God is in control of my actions. He knows me more than I know myself.

You know, I feel I am not good at anything. Is there anything I can say that I’m good at and is recongized by people? Nothing. Even in computer games, many people still beat me. In fact, I am probably one of the weaker players. It would be much closer to the truth to say that I suck at everything. And everything military related I tend to suck. Shooting, I can’t shoot. I suck at PT. I have trouble listening. I have trouble speaking. I have trouble communicating. People don’t really trust my abilities. I suck at driving, ground guiding, etc. I suck at doing my crew drills despite my efforts to improve myself.

I take solace that the only thing I don’t suck at is my attributes, my character. I feel that I am good at enduring, patience. Everyday, I have to endure the shame, pain, troubles, burdens of myself. I have to endure this weak body of mine. I am good at being pure. I refuse to sin. I refuse to give in to sin. I refuse to gain temperortary by sinning. I refuse to take pleasures of sin for a season.. At least right now. I am good at showing respect because I respect God. Because I respect God, I have respect for earthly authorties. I am good at being kind, nice, and loving to others. Of course. God taught me to love Him and to love men. I lend freely, I take the loss myself, for I know my treasures are in heaven.

I guess what matters more is the fruits of the Spirit. It is better to be good in character than to be good in talent.

Still, I look at my peers. They are so much more talented, quicker than me. They know this world much more than me. I want to be like them. The drawback? They are evil. They follow the desires of their flesh, its lusts. I cannot do that. I cannot love the world because if I do, the love of God is not in me.

I feel I can write still so much. Yet, I have other things to do. Time is short, perhaps it is already up. But I know that God holds tomorrow. I am weak but He is strong.



S: 7:26pm
E: 7:48pm

My mind is now bending, but I must worship God. Why is my mind bending? Because, praise God!, I have Dorcas’ e-mail address! I’m so happy, and I feel it is a mircale because just yesterday I e-mailed Kenny Wu. Just now I realized my mistake. The real Kenny from charis is Kenny Xi. Kenny Wu probably never knew me. Sigh, big mistake lol. Nevertheless, I am just glad I have another church brother join the military. I feel less alone. Praise God.

Before I talk about Dorcas, let me review the events I have today. Today is a day of rememberance. I remembered what made me great. It wasn’t my skills or talents. It’s not my looks or what I wear. What made me great is how much I trusted in God. It is following His ways, worshipping Him that made me great. And that is also what made America great. Obeying the fruits of the spirit, especally patience or longsuffering or endurance, which is what I lack, is what made me great. And not great as in great in the sight of men, but great in the sight of God. I must give glory to God. If the best I can do is just give a penny of worth to God, then let me gladly suffer toil, pain, suffering, hardship, shame to give that penny to the Lord God who created me. I am already struck down many times. I sinned against God many times. I did so much evil. So much. I failed him, but I will still do the best I can, not just with my flesh, because in my flesh I can do no good thing, but relying on God to overcome the flesh. To worship him even when my flesh says “no.” To praise him even when I don’t feel like to. To be joyful even when my situation is anything but.

What is my life, that I can plan? What plan do I have? What destiny do I have? Why am I trying to be great. In fact, why do I even try? I must stop working for the world and start working for God. I must make sure that everything I do is pleasing to God. I am not here to please myself. I am here to please God. I am here to give glory to God. I am not here to get what I want, but I am here to do God’s pleasing and perfect will.

From now on, I will forake the world, and follow God. I will no longer try, I will. I am tired of trying because in my flesh, I can do no good thing. In my flesh is weakness. I must overcome my flesh in matters that please God. When there is a need for prayer but I am tired, I must pray. I must. I must. Help me Lord to do your will. As I said eariler, it doesn’t matter if I lose every battle. What matters is that I faithfully follow the Lord. I will win the war in the end.

So forget about Dorcas. Forget about my college ambitions. Forget about trying to eat tasty food. Forget about doing questionable or evil things in the name of relieving stress. Forget about studying. Forget about everything. I need to follow God first. I need to obey him first. I need to know him completely first. He will guide me. He will lead me. Everything else will come later. Maybe not in this life, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I please and worship God.

The God who made me, who saved me, who loved me. I must decrease and he must increase. Still, if the path gets too hard, I must pray. I must ask God to help me. To deliever me. To give me strength. To give me hope. God is my everything. Everything I have is in him. It’s going to be so hard. It’s going to be so painful. So shameful. So everything bad. I must not give up. If I fail, I must die. No buts or ifs. This is it. I must follow God. I must totally serve and follow him. I will not go back another step.

But of course I will go back, of course I will mess up. But what matters is that I do not give up. That I will fight faithfully to the end. Even with the battle is so beyond me, I will still fight as long as I possibilly can with God’s help. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

PS: In evil, hard, or trying times, pray to God for help, praise him for giving you the strength to endure. In good times, when times are easy, praise God, give thanks to him. Sing to him, worship him.