9/30/2012: Eyes on my Head

9/30/2012: Eyes on my Head

{S: 5:12pm} I could just combine my entries into one but doing so will make my writing more unorganized.  Today I do want to write about something that happened to me recently.

Today, I mean yesterday, I was angry at God.  Yesterday, my medical friend Jason invited me to his dinner gathering.  When he gave me his invitation on phone, I didn’t know what to decide.  Part of me wants to say yes, and another part wants me to say no.  So, I tried delaying tactics by asking more questions, saying “um” a lot, and basically giving neutral answers.  I told him the truth, by telling him that I “cannot decide.”  I may be become more indecisive than usual.  Knowing that I need to be more courageous and to make up my mind, I told him yes and asked for the time and place.  So, I decided to go.

In the beginning of the dinner event, it was great.  I greeted and conversed with all of his roommates during dinner.  I’m surprised guys can also make good food :p  I had wisdom and my conversation was light and full of salt.  However, after the dinner, I began to make a few mistakes.  I couldn’t see where the present is heading.  Don’t get me wrong, it was still a great day.  Jason’s roommates are all Christians and a few of them could play guitar.  I played couple songs with them.  Among them are: “The Nails in Your Hands,” and “Alabaster Jar.”  They are very nice and friendly.  I got leftovers and Nathan gave me a pear to eat on the drive back.

However, I couldn’t tell the signs.  Perhaps I overstayed my welcome.  Maybe because they are medical students, they couldn’t have a lot of free time.  Or maybe I’m just a perfectionist and I want every encounter to be near-perfect (on my part, and that requires wisdom).  But I left that night, among “good-byes” feeling forlorn inside.

I felt forlorn inside because I didn’t have enough wisdom to know what was going on.  I didn’t have enough wisdom to leave at the right time.  I was angry at God because my whole life revolves on Him, on Him giving me “strength, courage, and, most importantly, wisdom.”  I asked God for wisdom all the time but how come yesterday, I lacked it?  I cried at night and asked God, “why?”

I was about to not go to church today, but praise God I chose to go.  I could only go under one condition: that I become cold and calculating, so I won’t make any more mistakes and bring more shame on myself.  I decided to go only to worship God and I planned to leave early.

I chose to wear my black Christian T-shirt because I wanted to look tough so I can minimize my encounter with people and thus make potentially fewer mistakes.

Today’s sermon spoke to me.  It seems the pastor was reading my mind.  Guess what the sermon is about?  Wisdom.  The pastor shared, on a crowded Chinese moon-cake Sunday, that the “fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10).  The key passage for today is in Ephesians 5:15-20.  We are to “redeem the time,” “understand what the Lord’s will is,” and to “be filled with the Spirit.”  That is wisdom.  That is “making the most of every opportunity” as the title of this sermon states.

I realized, based on these Biblical standards, that I lack wisdom.  First, I don’t manage my time wisely.  Much of my time is still lost in vanity; in computer games; in my passions and desires.  Although I know such things are destructive, I lack the self-control to completely neutralize it.  Second, I don’t spend a lot of time “understanding what the Lord’s will is.”  I would make plans and “do and do, a little here, a little there.”  Many times, and especially when the urge to play games hit, I know that I should stop what I’m doing and receive instructions or orders from God.  But often, I would play games first and then seek God.  Lastly, Christians are to “be filled with the Spirit.”  If I don’t spend a lot of time with God, how can I be filled with the Spirit all the time?  Now that I’m thinking about this, maybe God did give me wisdom.  He did give me “eyes on my head” to see these destructive behaviors but I chose to continue on (Ecclesiastes 2:14).

Before I continue, I may be giving the wrong impression.  I always put my schoolwork first.  In tough assignments, I plan ahead so I can finish them on time.  I always make sure I complete all my homework by the due date.  However, I know I can be much better than this.  I can be an excellent student, instead of just good or decent, if I have more self-control.  The Army with God changed my greatly, but, to me, it is still a life-long process.

For the sake of time, I am going to write a little more briefly.  My tough-guy stealth mode didn’t last long.  When I first came in the church front door, I went to the gymnasium area first to drop-off my “Autumn Olympic” papers.  There, Auntie Diana stopped me and asked, “你這麼了?”

I hesitated because I don’t want to lie and say “I’m fine” so she said, “快說.”

I told her I’ll talk to her during lunch and she agreed.  I’m glad that there is someone from church who can see through me and is willing to help me.  This action somewhat softened my pose.

So during lunch, which is a family luncheon with moon-cakes involved, I sat across from Diana.  I told her the story I wrote earlier in this diary.  “I don’t understand,” I told her, “I asked God for strength, courage, and wisdom and He doesn’t give it to me.”  “My whole life is about wisdom and if I don’t have wisdom or enough wisdom, I cannot live.”

She listened patiently as I voiced my complaints.  I was afraid that I won’t be able to say what I mean because of my poor Chinese, but surprisingly, I feel I was able to convey to her what I meant.

She told me that God gives people wisdom or other things gradually.  As I grow in God more, I will receive more of God’s wisdom.  I know about this concept but I forgot it.  I thought God will just give me wisdom completely and that’s it (e.g. during yesterday’s dinner event) but she answered no.

“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure / This the pledge to me He made” (from the hymn Day by Day). {E: 6:46pm}

14 Jan 2010

14 Jan 2010

S: 7:33pm

I have something that happened to me today that trimupts my experience in the field, what happened after the field, and almost everything in my life. I lost my little ewe lamb.

Well, not an actual lamb, but my external hard drive. By losing that, I lost a lot of my personal information and ALL my pictures (but praise God, I still have the pictures of the girl I love, but I will delete it if it causes me to sin; she can’t “accept [my] feelings”). True, I used to have a copy of everything in my computer, but ever since I reformatted my computer, I no longer trust my computer and relied on my external hard drive. It’s so important to me that I actually comteptated suicide. I can’t go on with a big part of me missing. Someone probably stole it and used it for what it’s for, meat. Forget about the feeling, the emotions, or the experiences.

As I ponder about my loss (after looking like a poor widow trying to find her coin), I relized that my copy of everything is actually in heaven. God already knows everything. When I get to heaven, I can recall all the experiences in my life in a flash. I don’t really have to worry about keeping a personal backup. Now that I thought about it, I still have some of my pictures on Facebook. Heh, praise God for Facebook! Wow, Facebook is now my personal backup. My backup is now online. I wonder how long that will last.

Of course I feel angry on the person who stole it, but I hope that he (or she? probably not) will be changed by God because of it. I wrote a lot of God-stuff and I hope it can be used to evangalize to him. I also have all my important passwords, and yes, passwords that I can’t remember. Ouch, that will hurt, but I won’t change it. If he takes my money, it’s not my money he is stealing, but God’s, for all I have belongs to God.

And it’s also time for me to get a new computer. I used all my technial skill to fix my computer but it still failed. Even getting this on Facebook is a mircuale. I just hope I can use this time to backup what I DO have in this computer to a flash disk.

You know, I’m thinking of buying a box of external hard drives and just laying it on my bed when I deploy. I would make a poster that says “Jesus loves you” and leave it to that. This reminds me of an experience I had in AIT. One of the segarents would inspect our rooms everyday and mess their rooms up for no reason. Well, the segarents say they have a reason, like there’s a piece of trash on the floor, or the bunk isn’t dressed perfectly, or other bullshit reason. I know their motive, and it is to mess with soldiers just for the hell of it, in the name of training. My bunk would be flipped everyday and I wouldn’t know why. One day, I was tired of it, but I wanted to show God’s love to whoever is doing this evil thing. I took a piece of notebook paper, wrote in permeant marker “Jesus Loves You,” and taped a $20 bill to it. The next day, the flipping stopped. I looked underneath my pillow, and there it is, a $20 bill with “Jesus Loves You.” From then on, the seargents still check rooms, but they will only mess it up for obvious reasons. My bunk wasn’t flipped again for a long while. I find this kind of strange, but I didn’t really understand what was going on back then. Now I know, praise God.

And so, now I’m back from the field, but I still can’t “take control of my Facebook.” I would have to buy a new laptop and 2 external hard disks, just in case one of them get’s stolen.

1/15/10
S: 10:52

Praise God, I found an old backup of my pictures and most of my information, even through its several months out of date. I’m still content.

And also, I already went to the PX (its like a Wal-Mart to me) and brought a new laptop and ext. hard drive. A box? Nah, a little too expensive.

9/16/09

9/16/09

S: 5:33pm
E: 6:08pm

There is a very important event that happened to me today. I am sitting down, just finished with my devotations to God, and am preparing to rest in the afternoon. We finished all our tasks and duties and are just waiting for our platoon seargeant to release us. A fellow soldier next to me said, “…Yeh should go to bars and strip clubs and we should rape him.. no sorry Yeh, I mean they will rape you….” I waited for a moment, prayed, and asked God how to respond to this. I can’t just let him say it with no response from me. So after some time in prayer and thinking about what to say, I told him, “You could force me to bars or strip clubs, or make me have sex or rape me, but the God of Peter is my God. *finger pointed to heaven* I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. And the Lord is my light and my salvation. I will not be afraid. You can force me, but I will not sin against God.” Praise the Lord! All this time when I was talking to him, he kept saying “I’m just kidding!” But no, it is not a joke to me or to God.

These are the things I have to deal with almost everyday. Everyone is doing it, so why don’t you come with us to these bars or strip clubs or get a hooker? I’ll even pay for it. But no, I cannot sin against God. Although I’ve been to hooters a few times (I was “pressured” to go since it was a platoon event, and.. I really wanted to try a Sherily Temple), I was resolved to just enjoy the food and not lust after the girls. But then, I remembered a verse in Psalms saying that I will not delight in the food of the wicked for that food is deceptive.

It’s sad for me to tell you what my fellow soldiers talk about everyday…. Yesterday, they were having a conversation about how the Bible has so many flaws and how you can prove it. Today, they were talking about gays (you could be discharged if the military found out that you are gay) and sharing stories about other people. And then they talk about amazing facts like smoking 20 packs at the same time can kill you. After that, they joke about Chuck Norris. I still don’t know why soldiers in the military worship Chuck.

All this time, I cannot rest. If I rest, I would be tuned in to their conversation. So I had to distract myself by reading the Bible, taking notes, and singing songs. And also, I really tried not to listen to their conversation.. but the part when the elephant can outrun a cheetah got me.

Ok, if I do post this on facebook, please forgive me. I don’t mean to talk bad about my fellow soldiers. We still respect and love each other, but I hope posting this can give you a glimpse of what I am facing right now, and I have to get this off my chest.

9/12/09

9/12/09

S: 3:17
E: 3:21pm

There is an event yesterday when I was helping my battle buddies (I hope to call them “Bible” buddies soon) move. While in the midst of helping them move, I had my arm halfway in the car hood. Suddenly, the hood slammed shut on me. However, my arm was fine! I didn’t feel any pain. The wooden boards outside the hood prevented the hood from closing completely. Praise God! It is he who delivers me from the snare.

“A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” (Psalm 34:19-20)