1/16/2016: S-S-Stressful / Fish hook vs Net

1/16/2016: S-S-Stressful / Fish hook vs Net

11:49pm – 1:03am

Today working at my call center, it’s probably one of my worse days. I can walk the walk, but I can’t talk the talk. :) When I talk to people face-to-face, I can talk much more normally. But, on the phone, and this happens literally every call, I stutter, bad. But, God gave me grace. Customers were nice to me. I was able to deescalate many calls and help them. I praise God that these customers can see past my weaknesses and into my heart. One of the customers today told me not to apologize.

“Please, don’t say sorry [that you stutter],” she said, “one of my friends stutters as well.”

Working at the call center is s-s-stressful for me! I told my supervisor that if I can talk normally like anybody else, I might even love this job.

Today, my supervisor told me to pray for one of my coworkers. I half-thought he was joking, so I giggled a bit. But, he reaffirmed his statement. So, I agreed. Later, I invited that coworker to come to my supernatural church. But, he told me that he’s not a church person and, not wanting to offend him, and partly not knowing how to respond, I let that argument go. At least I tried, right? Yes, but I need to try better.

I’m always so afraid. I’m always so fearful. I’m always afraid of offending someone. But no, God will always find a way out [for me]. I should have told him:

“It doesn’t matter if you are not a church person. We all need God and Christianity is about having a relationship with Him. It’s about having intimacy with Him. Only God can provide all your needs.”

One of the things I want to talk about is the fish hook versus the net. Passive evangelism versus active evangelism. I’m better at passive evangelism. I would rather cast the hook and pray that a fish would bite. I would rather pray to God intimately for revival and then posting Ignite flyers on the Internet and pass tracts out in El Paso hoping that people’s hearts will be changed by the Holy Spirit so they can come. One of my close friends told me when I was selling life insurance that insurance is one of those things where people come to you when they are ready. I feel like religion is the same (except Christianity isn’t a religion). People will come to you when they are ready. But when will people be ready? What if people die before they are ready?

Today, I don’t know if I can write. I’m not feeling it. I can only write well when I have God’s presence and today, I sinned against God by putting my flesh above God. No, I didn’t look at things I shouldn’t be looking at but the sin is in my mind.

In order to evangelize, you have to believe in something so strongly. You have to believe that God is the Way the Truth and the Life. You have to believe that only God can satisfy and that only Jesus is the answer. If I live differently, even an iota, from what I should be preaching, then my message, my evangelism will be hollow. It will be ineffective. Preaching, evangelizing, is an all-or-nothing kind of deal. I can’t preach luke-warmness. That’s religion. I know deep inside that Jesus is the answer, that He is the Way the Truth and the Life, but I fail to live that in my daily living.

Another method of evangelizing is to educate. If people are not ready, we can help them to be ready. Educate them that this world can’t satisfy them. That whatever their hobbies are, or what can make them happy, won’t be enough. Man needs something deeper and only God can fill that void. Educate them about this evil world and how only God can bring them justice. Only God can give them grace. Educate them on how fragile their lives are and how only Jesus can give them eternal life. Just like what I learned in the call center, move them from “no” to “know.”

For God, and for people, catching fish using just fish hooks is not enough. We must be willing to face the suffering and the consequences of active evangelism. Of catching people using nets. It is much more aggressive than passive evangelism. It involves preaching on the streets. Performing signs and wonders. Giving prophecy to people. This kind is much more difficult but the rewards are so much greater. We don’t force people; they can still choose, have free-will, but we beg them to change their ways to follow Christ. In order to do this kind of evangelism, we have to be willing to be ridiculed, to be attacked, to be ignored, to make mistakes, for the name of Jesus.

That is my goal. That is my aim. That my closer walk with Thee can eventually lead me to tell others about Jesus much more actively. A combined approach. Where intercessors pray for souls, where our church’s media team invites the public to come to experience God supernaturally, and where evangelists go to the streets and byways to beg them to come to Christ.

Another topic I’ve been thinking about is counterattack. I wrote earlier in my personal quotes that: “For every sin that you do, you must have a counterattack and for every victory you have, you must have a means to defend against the enemy’s counterattacks.” I can counterattack by repenting, by asking God for forgiveness, by recommitting myself to have a closer walk with God. And I remember Pastor Patty once said that one of the moments that the enemy (Satan) attacks you is when you achieved a victory. Look at how Elijah, after the miracle of fire, shortly afterwards, he asked God to die (1 Kings 18-19). We, I included, need to stop worrying and regretting about when we fall and start instead to counterattack, or take back, what the enemy has stolen from us.

My flesh is so strong. It has years and years of foundations. Just computer games alone would probably account for a quarter of my life. But, as Worshipper Colton Dixon said, “I made my castle tall / I’ve built up every wall / This is my kingdom and it needs to fall.” May God continue to bless me and give me supernatural grace to overcome my flesh, the world, and the enemy. I believe that only God can truly satisfy my every need.

1/29/2011: Bring people to God

1/29/2011: Bring people to God

S: 6:32am

E: 6:55am

Today, our battery played capture the flag for PT!!! I would have had more fun if I remembered one of the basic principles of evangelism.

I came to PT and my NCO told me the time and location of the first order of business for the day. I knew my NCO don’t like me asking questions, but, I wanted to know for what reason, so, I asked my best friend in the Army. He told me, with a “are you stupid” tone, the same thing my sergeant said. I asked why but he just ignored me. I went away but I felt hurt. I felt hurt because there is no love. I should have left it to that, if I knew that basic principle. However, I didn’t, so I decided try to share my feelings and try to change people.

I told him, “D, I don’t know why you are so mean. I just want to know for what reason (so I can prepare, but I didn’t say that).”

He replied, “Since you are so butt-hurt, don’t talk to me.”

My sergeant, who is in the vicinity, told me why do I want to know? Since I know my sergeant, I didn’t answer him but gave a “hooah sergeant.” Then I went away.

I thought about being completely rational with them but, no, I can’t. I still need to do Christ’s best to love people, even people who hurt me. Then our battery played capture the flag and I tried to be friendly with him. I had fun, and it was intense. I did what I can to help my team. I shout out every time an opponent cross the line (to prevent surprises). Since I see that most players either attack and on all the way or stay behind and defend, I played the role as a multi-fighter. I take defense first, and if I see most of the attacking teammates tagged, I go on “search and rescue” missions and go on the offense. Depending on the situation, I try not to put myself in great danger, so I can retreat and save my teammates again. I call myself the “rescuer.” Heh. Yea, our team won 3-2. Go 14 series :)

It is after the game, when walking to chow, that I remembered the basic principle of evangelism. I tried, without knowing, to change people, to bring God to people, but, as what Watchman Nee wrote, I need to bring people to God first before I bring God to people.

I find that I always try to change people’s behaviors, whether they are too mean, too judging, or too conceited. I find that I cannot change people. I cannot even change myself. None of us can. Only God can change people. I should not be trying to change behaviors or attitudes but to be praying and, with wisdom, leading people to God.

Luke 5:31 Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

I remember my “Operation Los Angeles” and how much of the days I planned is in prayer. People need to seek God first. They have to have a need for a savior before they can accept Jesus into their hearts. Once that is done, God does the work of changing people. Then they become more loving, caring, patient, understanding, honest, etc. We should not worry about changing people’s outside behaviors or trying to change social issues like the economy, universal healthcare, or even abortion, because like an individual’s behavior, these are simply society’s behavior and beliefs. We need to bring people to God before we can bring God to people.

And also, before I take a dump and shower, I realized that my prayer life has been weak. I spent most of my time praying outside, when walking to and fro. I spent most of my time praying on my “junk” time. On my free time, in my room, I find that I spend a lot of time on Star Kingdoms (the only game I authorized myself to play) and college, but little on prayer. And the times that I do pray, I do something else also! I cannot do that! God says we cannot worship both God and money and that we have to love Him so much that everything else is like hatred compared to God (Matthew 6:24, Matthew 10:37). How dare me to add other things and concerns in my own time for Him! I need to repent and spend more time with Him. Without Him, I am nothing. I cannot be “too busy” (from Little Reflections) for God.

 

2/26/2010: loneness, college, help my battle buddy, and, the girl I’m fighting for

2/26/2010: loneness, college, help my battle buddy, and, the girl I’m fighting for

Hello everyone!

First.. I feel.. so.. lonely. Although I don’t want to admit it, I want to find someone whom I can talk to about anything, but mainly about my thoughts and feelings. Praise God I have some free time. I spent most of it trying to learn Chinese, Arabic, and Hebrew. I want to learn the language of God’s people! It’s going to talk some time, but with faith, I will succeed.

Second thing, is about my college, Mid-America. My Old Testament class starts in 2 days, yet, I still can’t access my online course. I sent an e-mail to the college yesterday, but still have gotten no replies. I’m getting nervous. If I fail this class because I can’t access the course…. Wow, a Christian college is going to destroy my future.

I thought about this to myself: What is the point of getting a degree? If God is going to fill my mouth when I evangelize and preach, what is the point of an actual degree? Is it just for human eyes to see? Brother Yun said the Christians who underwent the hardships of prison already have a degree: a master degree in tribulation and suffering. Wow, that is the degree I want! But, it is too hard for me.

Third, one of my battle buddies is suffering from, I think, an emotional breakdown. He has been bedridden most of the time and hardly eats. He went to the TMC and they are still trying to find out what’s wrong. I have been talking to him about Jesus and Psalms and my experience in basic training, where I underwent intense suffering. Jesus is the master of suffering. He knows about suffering. It takes a master to be willing to die on the cross for sins he did not commit. Please pray for him for healing, for only Jesus can heal him. I have faith that if I pray continually, he will be healed.

Ok, I guess writing these notes makes me feel a lot less lonely. It hurts. Babies who are unloved dies, but I don’t want to go that far. Excuse me.

Oh and I am trying to keep in touch with the girl I love but she is still blocking me. It’s painful. I guess it is my mistake to sent couple pre-written letters (I was too afraid to send them), a semi-suicide note, and then some of my recent journal entries all at the same time. I took her out as a friend because I don’t want to sin, and she blocked me. So awful. So horrible. It looks like I will never get a good girlfriend. No, I need to trust in God. God knows everything about me and if he thinks its okay for me to have a wife, then he will, in due time. Wo you dun shen de shi jian biao [I need to wait for the Lord’s timing].

His thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9).

1/28/2010

1/28/2010

 

I recently started to pray for my military friends regularly and seriously. However, I just found when I was eating dinner at the DFAC that my intent for many of them was wrong. Some NCO’s and leaders in my platoon are hard-core. It seems they want to make our lives miserable by giving us useless things to do (e.g. sweep and mop the floor, sweep dirt off around the trucks, etc) when we just did these task a few days ago. They just don’t like a bunch of soldiers sitting and talking loudly in the office. I don’t talk much, I just stay quiet and read “21 reasons why Bad things happen to good people” or I study on my CLEP books. The LT was a former drill sergeant.

In response to this, I started to pray for the guys in my platoon so that they can get to know Christ. I know it’s going to take years, but God’s timing is perfect. When I pray, I usually focus on the NCO’s that gives us bullshit to do. It’s wrong. Part of the reason I pray for them is so they can be easier on us. I shouldn’t pray for a lighter burden but for broader shoulders. Now, I’m still going to pray for them, but it will be so they can know God.

8/01/09

8/01/09

S: 1108
E:

I have a lot to write about today. First, today is the sabbath of the Lord. And yes, its on Saturday. Today is a day of rest because God commanded us to.

I have alot of disturbing thoughts. The first is my church, and also Dorcas. I have a feeling that my church is forgetting about me. And also, it is veering away from Christ. For one thing, why is cornerstone, a group in my church, having a welcoming party for newly graduates in a mansion? The wording is wrong too. It should be more humble like, welcoming party (party is acceptable..) for new members in Chung’s house. And why is there beach trips and no evang…. You know what? I don’t really know. It seems the groups in my church are closer to a social club than a evanglizating mission club. I would rather be in the donut repair club than cornerstone lol. Still, I miss them. I want to fellowship with them, but it seems like they forgot about me. You know what? Its ok. I won’t forget them. I will still pray for them.

And Dorcus? I began writing a letter to her but its still incomplete. I still love her. I miss her. I can’t really get a girlfriend or another soulmate until I settle my aching, kind of hopeless love for Dorcas. And I like to type “Dorcus” instead of “Dorcas.”

Well, its ok. I”m not smart, I don’t have a college degree and not having a good chance to get one, so it makes sense for them to reject me. My church values achievement too, sadly. It’s ok. It’s ok, I will still do the best to worship God alone. God will help me, he will help me find a way. Only God knows, only Him. I trust and follow the Bible only, why must there be division?

Forgive me Lord, I am still a very sinful man. I will do my best to increase your glory. I must decrease but you must increase. Amen.