11/29/2016: Helen-Class Cruiser

11/29/2016: Helen-Class Cruiser

5:08pm – 5:55pm  edited 10:03pm

Sometimes, in the war-games that I play, I liken my life in the spirit to a fleet of ships. How I seek Him, how I love Him, how I pursue and follow and obey Him, is reflected on the condition of my ships. When I am weak spiritually, my fleet is, naturally, very weak. However, there are other ships, and technologies from others, that I incorporate into my fleet to make it stronger.

Throughout my life, there have been people and organizations who, in the spirit, influenced me greatly, whom I admire, and whom I spent a lot of time with. Those people or groups may come through my life and leave, but the memories of them, the influence they have on me, is imprinted in my life for at least a very long time.

I admire those people or groups, and I begin to copy them, to emulate their strengths, their personalities, their desires and will, from what I know of them. I build a cruiser, a destroyer, using their technology. Some people and groups have stand-alone ships, some are incorporated into the rest of my fleet, and others have both.

In the Army, one of the people I admired spiritually was Endora. I saw her as someone who loves God, who has a passion, a deep love for Him. So I began to seek God using, to the best of my knowledge, of her worship to God. I jokingly told myself that I have an Endora-class cruiser.

Now, before I continue, I want to let everyone know that the root of all cruisers is God. The root of all Endora-class cruisers, Helen-class cruisers, Bethel technology, is God. To worship anyone else is idolatry. But each of us have different spiritual strengths of seeking Him and it is learning from others, of how they worship God, their mindset, their knowledge, their learnings, that I get to grow and enrich my experience with God and to help me to be closer to Him.

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Many times, when I struggle in my faith, it is those ships, those special classes of ships, that can effectively fight against the enemy. Just like in the Bible when God ordered that Judah go first to fight against his brother Benjamin, sometimes it is those ships, that go first to fight against the enemy, because the rest of my fleet, the ones mostly built by me, are too weak or they lack the weaponry that these other ships have.

When I’m weak in spirit, sometimes I think of other Christian heroes and they inspire me to continue or fight on.  The songs from Bethel, Hillsongs, and the many artists from K-Love, the preachings from Ignite, the leaders and disciples that I get to mingle and grow with, all gave me their influence, their technology, their knowledge and wisdom, their passion, their mindset, their reasons, to worship, love, and seek God.  I would not get far in my relationship with God if I were to just seek Him alone, using my own mindsets and technology.  As Christian brothers and sisters, we need to learn from each other, to share our discoveries with God, so we can collectively be empowered to fight against the enemy.

 

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12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

9/24/2010: The girl I love FINAL part

S: 10:07am

E: 11:43am

Yesterday, I had guard duty! I just came back from it today and tried to sleep, but, couldn’t without at least writing something about it. If I sleep, I may forget what I want to write or I may lack the desire to write it. I wrote an outline before I started writing this so I won’t forget.

The day before I had guard, I finally managed to have the guts to go back on Facebook. My close friend convinced me, in my words, to not be afraid and let God be the judge. I find that I’m so afraid of being judged. When I went on, the first thing I saw was a wall post by Auntie Linda telling me that the interview is on the air on Youtube. I immediately grew afraid because I’m afraid of being judged. In the interview, I told Auntie Linda and my mom that one of the best opportunities to share the gospel and teach the soldiers about the Bible is in guard duty. How ironic that tomorrow is my guard duty! I start to grow nervous. What if it’s the same as last time, which I was unprepared for the job but still won an inner victory. I cannot mess up this time so on the day of my guard, I went to the PX and brought lots and lots of snacks and I took an iron pill I brought from Taiwan. The reason why I’m so tired is because of my borderline iron deficiency (result from a blood test at PCC before I joined the Army). This is my chance to awaken people again! Heh. In the end, the chips gave me something to do while the iron kept me awake. I was still tired, I still slept during our resting periods, but I felt more energetic and have as much energy as my peers. My SOG told me I should start taking iron pills. I told them, besides the difficulty of finding one here, there are side effects. The main side effect is constipation. When I took one in Taiwan, I didn’t poop for a whole day. This time however, I had no problem. Hmm, strange. Praise God. Thanks to the hemoglobin, the guard shift today was relatively easier and it also went by quick, probably due to our conversations. By the time I know it, it was already afternoon. I was happy because time is going fast.

One of the main things we talked about is the girl I love. My SOG told me when we get back, he will help me find a girlfriend. I told him I already have a girlfriend. They told me that a girlfriend is by mutual consent. Both love each other. They were disgusted that I was referring her as my girlfriend. In the end, I agreed that she is not my girlfriend, but the girl I love. They asked me (my SOG knew a little about this situation because he punished me when I was late for work trying to ship a gold necklace to her) when was the last time she talked to me. I said, “um, like last January,” which is nine months ago! Between the blockings, the long ago contact, they are saying I am depriving myself of happiness and I should just drop her and find someone else. It’s not that easy. I tried to explain my promise to God of seven years, the little miracles I think God did to remind me of my promise. Still, I find myself losing on the logical front. What if God was trying to tell me to find another girl, a girl who loves God? How will I know? I can only know by prayer. I was giggling (sometimes in embrassment) and smiling the whole time I was telling the story. They could feel my emotions, but were serious about this. They asked am I still trying to contact her. I said no, the last time was in March (I realized now that I lied. The real time was closer to May?), only three months later. My NCO was worried about me. He doesn’t want me to be a stalker, to be a serial killer. No, how can I do that? It is totally against the Bible. I know she has free will (Genesis 24:5-8). She can choose whatever she wants. I told them if she has a boyfriend or is married (they asked that) I will then be free from my oath. Looking back, I felt what I said in the last sentence was wrong. My promise to God was to pray for seven years for her and if nothing happens then I would just be single and live for God. But, they wanted me to have a girlfriend, and as my last note said, I do really need one. I do need a companion who can go with me through green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death. I tried to convince them that God can find a way. All things are possible with God (Mark 10:27). But, they told me again that she has free will. Defeated, I admitted that they are right. I was being illogical. I told them I am going to do what I was going to do on my notes, that is to ask someone close to her if she has any affection for me. If not, then I will find another girl. They suggested Christian dating sites and I told them I can easily get a girlfriend. They also told me that I should have some experience first and just socialize one on one with a girl, any girl. That, to me, is wrong. Dating is preparation for marriage (thanks Ben Ku!) I can’t just be emotionally connected with a girl I’m not going to marry. Yes, I would get experience, but I would also satisfy my flesh, and I know that the flesh is hostile to God (Romans 8:6-8). If I satisfy my flesh, my flesh would want more. I learned this the hard way. So, that is what I will do. Maybe. I would see if she’s still thinking about me. That’s all. If not, then I’ll find somebody else.

Or, and this has come to my mind recently. How about the story of Watchman Nee and the girl he loved?

In his writings, Nee had trouble growing closer to God. He wanted the Holy Spirit, but God won’t give it to him. Through prayer, he found that Charity, his childhood sweetheart, still occupied a large place in his heart. And for a time, he just can’t surrender that room to God. Finally, when he did surrender this room to God, God poured out His spirit to him and he felt free! He felt like so light and so happy! He felt unimaginable happiness.

“By January of 1922 there was already a small gathering of the Lord’s people at ‘Tze Yuan’ [‘Tze Garden’]. I remembered one day that I was going to have to preach that very day. So I opened my Bible, trying to find a suitable subject. I happened to read Psalm 73, verse 25, which states: ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.’ Upon reading it, I confessed that I could not say these words as the psalmist had said. At the time I knew that there was something hindering the relationship between me and God. For over ten years I had had deep affections for Charity.∗ She was not saved at that time. I tried to preach the gospel to her, but she always laughed at me. We truly loved each other. I let her laugh at the Lord Jesus whom I preached. In my heart she always occupied a very large place. I had frequently asked myself if I should continue to let her occupy such a place in my heart. We all know that when a young man is in love, it is most difficult for him to lay it aside. Although with my lips I said to God that I was willing to lay her aside, in my heart I was unwilling to do so. I now read that verse in the Psalms again. I could honestly confess that I could not lay her aside. During that entire week I could not say, ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee’ The Spirit of God had put His finger on this very issue as the hindrance to my being filled with the Holy Spirit. On that particular day I still went to preach, though I did not know what I was preaching about.

“Later on, I began to reason with God. I asked Him to give me power first, and then I would lay her aside. But God never reasons with men. In my youthfulness I promised God many things: I would go to Tibet to preach the gospel; I promised Him I would do this and that; but God would not listen. His finger persistently pointed at this girl friend as my obstacle. No matter how I prayed, I could not get through. My heart was really heavy. I even begged God to change His heart. But no, He insisted on my dealing with this matter. It was as though there was a piercing of my heart with a sharp sword. God wanted me to learn a deeper lesson; otherwise I would be of no use in His hand.

“On yet another day I preached in the morning. In the afternoon I was in my room under great heaviness of heart. I told God that since I would be going back to school the next Monday I wanted Him to fill me with the love of Christ. I was now ready to lay aside my lover. The love of Christ had so constrained me that I was determined to put her aside. With this decision made I could say from my heart the words of Psalm 73.25. My inside was filled with unspeakable joy. Even though I had not ascended to the third heaven, I could say I had been to the second heaven, so happy and full of joy was I. The world now became insignificant to me. I felt as though I were floating on a cloud. On the night when I was saved, the burden of my sins had been rolled away. On this day (13 February 1922), all obstacles in my heart had been removed. Not long afterwards many people were saved” (Watchman Nee in A Short Biography of Watchman Nee)

My peers told me that I’m still very preoccupied with her. I tried to deny it, but they persisted. I admitted that, yes, I did think about her often, probably as often as every day. My peers want me to be happy. They want me to find my soulmate. But, I told them, later on, that it depends what people value. If my value is happiness, about being happy, then by all means, I would try to find a girlfriend, but, my value isn’t happiness. What people value and what I value are different. Most people value money, happiness, and fame, but I value eternal life, righteousness, and love. It’s okay if I’m unhappy. My true, eternal happiness rests with God. I don’t really get offended if people steal or take things away from me because my value is not on money. In fact, sometimes I kind of want to give these things to them, to help them and hopefully, to teach them how much God loves them. It’s not my money, but God’s. If they steal from me, God will be the judge.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.  On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:16 – Romans 12:21 (NIV)

People think I’m a pushover because of it, but no, I am simply waiting on the Lord. I try to be loving to everybody because the Bible tells me to and because I know, deep inside, it’s the right thing to do.

I feel I am now in Watchman Nee’s position. This girl I love is occupying a big place in my heart. Will I cast it down and give the room back to God? I feel it’s difficult; I feel it’s impossible, but it is for God’s glory. And, I don’t really need a companion. As long as the shepherd of my soul is with me, I will be alright. He is in full control.

Wow, the iron pill is working! It is now 11:20am and I’m still awake! Usually, I’m fast asleep by 0900.

I also played two games of “LIFE” on my peer’s computer. I watched her play for a little while and I grew interested. This game, originally a board game, is played against other players. Like monopoly, you move your piece around the board to reach the end. Unlike monopoly, you can’t buy anything. The object of the game is to get as much money as possible by getting as much “LIFE” points, high career, etc. I dislike how, in the end, your life points (experiences) is converted into money. To me, life experience is priceless, it’s wrong to put a dollar sign to it. I played the first round being me (I chose teacher, house initially so I can provide a wonderful home for the girl I love (I know, sorry) and later, a mobile home [so I can go around telling others about Jesus!], the risky life (since I want don’t want to be part of the timid souls who “know neither victory nor defeat” [Theodore Roosevelt]), etc. Needless to say, I lost (got last place too), but I had fun. The second round, I tried to win, and praise God, I got good luck. I did win. I first did the investment, then paid my debt, and played cleverly.

At the very end of our guard duty, something horrible happened that tried to mimic my last guard shift. I lost the equipment keys! I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t find it. But, after I gave up hope and went to the PX to buy new locks, my sergeant called and told me it’s found! Whew, praise God!

Throughout the guard shift and my life after coming back from Taiwan, I tried to not be afraid, but to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).

I also shared my career goals to my sergeant, which is about my desire to do part-time ministry and to be a special education teacher. He told me he can’t see me as a special ed teacher. Really? Oh well, I will still do my best.

Lastly, I talked to him about my college fears. I told him the reason why I suspended my college is not only because of my gaming addiction, although it played a critical role, but also because I was just afraid of doing my best work or not, and seeing my grades as a result. For me, I have to do my best work. I cannot just write an essay in one day in six-hours. I need to spend six one-hour days working on my essay. If I do not show my best effort in my work, I’m just afraid to submit it. After much talking, my sergeant told me the reason why is because I’m afraid of people judging me. I’m surprised at his insight. I am afraid of being judged. I’m afraid to go on Facebook often because I’m afraid of being judged. I can’t submit my sub-standard work (even if it will be late) because of being judged. Many things I thought about doing were eliminated because of my fear of being judged. I need to cast down my fears and let God be my judge.

7/16/2010 Hopelessness and the girl I love part 3

7/16/2010

S: 7:59pm

E: 8:45pm

A lot of things has happened in the past few days, but I want to keep my journals short and simple.

It’s easy to let the pleasures and entertainment of life to diminish writing my life story. Like yesterday, I was going to write but my bunk mates decided to watch <i>Avatar: The air bender</i>. Or, I would sometimes check Yahoo news before I write my discoveries (my term for journal writing) and find that my life just isn’t that interesting or urgent to write anymore. <b>I let the news, events, and pressures of the world diminish my own life.</b>

These past few days has been trying for me, but, it seems God always finds a way to help me, even when I feel hopeless that God actually will help me. My two old worries surfaced again: college and my dad. To deal with them would be too difficult and too much for me right now. I’m already under extreme pain and hardship (for me). I can’t fight anymore. I know that all I really need is to call my dad and everything should be okay. My dad still misses me and wants to contact me. My college? After I check the my truthful situation, I should be able to call them and ask for a second chance. But, the problem is, I know what to do, but I just can’t do it. There’s too much pain and trouble involved. There’s too much fear involved.

You know, sometimes I feel, and I think other people sometimes feel this way, that I just can’t take any defeat anymore. I am already under tremendous stress. Any defeat I receive will be too painful and horrible for me. As long as anything I try has a chance of defeat, it is not worth trying.

I want God to go before me, to grant me victory. I want God to go forward, completely wipe out my enemies and I just come and occupy the land.

<i>¶While he was still talking to them, the messenger came down to him. And the king said, “This disaster is from the LORD. Why should I wait for the LORD any longer?” ¶Elisha said, “Hear the word of the LORD. This is what the LORD says: About this time tomorrow, a seah of flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.” ¶The officer on whose arm the king was leaning said to the man of God, “Look, even if the LORD should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?” ¶“You will see it with your own eyes,” answered Elisha, “but you will not eat any of it!” ¶Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die?  If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.” ¶At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, not a man was there,  for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!”  So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives.</i>

2 Kings 6:33 – 2 Kings 7:7 (NIV)

I know that I need to focus on the Lord of the Battle and not on the battle, for it is the Lord who grants me victory.

And also about the girl I love….

I have been very horny lately (of course, what do you expect from a bunch of guys living together with no female contact?). And, I have been letting these evil desires control my thought life again. It’s like the cancer. I have even made plans to alter my leave destination or plans so I might be able to indulge my sinful, guilty pleasures. Praise God, one way or another, and more due to hardships in my life, I was able to promise Him that even if I chose to kill myself, I will not sin against God. It’s not easy making that promise; I have to sacrifice so much, but I have to do it because my life and my body belong to the Lord.

I have been thinking about finding a girlfriend (it has to be, of course, a girl who loves God), but then I began to wonder if my promise with the girl I love to God is really valid. I remember myself on my bed, telling God that if He were to give her to me, I would dedicate my life and my firstborn (or all my children, not sure) to Him. I remember when I was in the field, in desperation (I just declared my love to her via Facebook and she blocked me), I opened my Bible to a random page. At the same time, my battle buddies in the tents were questioning me about my girlfriend and my desire for one. What I read in the Bible shocked me. The first heading and verses I read were about Jacob and his fourteen years of toil to get the girl he loved.

<i>Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” ¶Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.”  So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. ¶Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her.” ¶So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast.  But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her.  And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant. ¶When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?” ¶Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one.  Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.” ¶And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. </i>

Genesis 29:18 – Genesis 29:28 (NIV)

So I told my tent mates “Even if she blocks me and has no interest in me, I will still try to love her.” I then tried telling them about the story of Jacob and Rachel and how I should not give up. I forgot if they were still attentive to me. Afterwards, I felt so inspired, I wrote a draft I was going to post on Facebook titled “Seven Years.” Obviously, I hope you know what that means.

Yes, I would be sacrificing so much. I need a companion. I need someone who loves me and whom I can tell all my troubles and feelings to, and I would do the same for her. It’s wonderful to have a spiritual battle buddy, and especially if it’s your would-be wife!

I am already socially isolated. I don’t have any close friends of any sort (spiritual, hobby, personal, etc). I don’t have a close friend whom I can tell all my trials and troubles to. I do have a few good friends, especially in my platoon, but even to them, I can’t tell everything. I don’t feel a complete connection with them. Maybe that’s why I use Facebook so much, lol. <b>To go thought life alone without a friend who provides unconditional love, help, and comfort is a great handicap.</b> A lot of people would pay somebody to be their unconditional friend, but once his money is gone, his friend is also gone. It’s hard for me to find a unconditional friend in this world and it’s even harder in this day and age, when everybody’s living for the moment.

The only friend I truly have and He is my greatest asset is Jesus. It is Jesus who keeps me alive. I have already gone way beyond my capacity to endure. It is Jesus who keeps me living. It is Jesus who keeps my heart pumping. It is Jesus who gives me help, hope, and comfort every day.  Many times, He gives me just enough, but, praise God, it’s just enough!

It’s okay. I don’t know where my life is leading me but I know <b>who</b> is leading my life. And He knows and understands more than everything about me. In this world, it seems, I can only trust in God.

2/28/2010: The girl I love

2/28/2010: The girl I love

I was in anguish lately. I kept thinking of her. She makes me cry. I feel feel I cannot go on with my life due to stress without her. I have been praying, reading the Psalms, and singing. I love to recite the end of Psalm 62, that you O God is strong and you O Lord is loving. Reading the verses of the Psalms greatly comforted me. Then, I thought about Hannah and how she dedicated her first-born son to God. That’s it!

I will make a promise to God, just as Hannah promised the Lord that if He gives her a son, she will dedicated him to the Lord. I will promise God that I will dedicate my life if God can let me love her. Yes, I will dedicate my life to him. I will do everything and anything he says. I will dedicate my life to God if He can let me love her.

After making this promise and saying this prayer, I felt 10x better. I felt refreshed, I felt renewed energy. I felt much freeer. Praise God! Now it is in God’s hands, for the battle belongs to the Lord.

If God lets me love the girl I love, I will dedicate my life to Him.

2/26/2010: loneness, college, help my battle buddy, and, the girl I’m fighting for

2/26/2010: loneness, college, help my battle buddy, and, the girl I’m fighting for

Hello everyone!

First.. I feel.. so.. lonely. Although I don’t want to admit it, I want to find someone whom I can talk to about anything, but mainly about my thoughts and feelings. Praise God I have some free time. I spent most of it trying to learn Chinese, Arabic, and Hebrew. I want to learn the language of God’s people! It’s going to talk some time, but with faith, I will succeed.

Second thing, is about my college, Mid-America. My Old Testament class starts in 2 days, yet, I still can’t access my online course. I sent an e-mail to the college yesterday, but still have gotten no replies. I’m getting nervous. If I fail this class because I can’t access the course…. Wow, a Christian college is going to destroy my future.

I thought about this to myself: What is the point of getting a degree? If God is going to fill my mouth when I evangelize and preach, what is the point of an actual degree? Is it just for human eyes to see? Brother Yun said the Christians who underwent the hardships of prison already have a degree: a master degree in tribulation and suffering. Wow, that is the degree I want! But, it is too hard for me.

Third, one of my battle buddies is suffering from, I think, an emotional breakdown. He has been bedridden most of the time and hardly eats. He went to the TMC and they are still trying to find out what’s wrong. I have been talking to him about Jesus and Psalms and my experience in basic training, where I underwent intense suffering. Jesus is the master of suffering. He knows about suffering. It takes a master to be willing to die on the cross for sins he did not commit. Please pray for him for healing, for only Jesus can heal him. I have faith that if I pray continually, he will be healed.

Ok, I guess writing these notes makes me feel a lot less lonely. It hurts. Babies who are unloved dies, but I don’t want to go that far. Excuse me.

Oh and I am trying to keep in touch with the girl I love but she is still blocking me. It’s painful. I guess it is my mistake to sent couple pre-written letters (I was too afraid to send them), a semi-suicide note, and then some of my recent journal entries all at the same time. I took her out as a friend because I don’t want to sin, and she blocked me. So awful. So horrible. It looks like I will never get a good girlfriend. No, I need to trust in God. God knows everything about me and if he thinks its okay for me to have a wife, then he will, in due time. Wo you dun shen de shi jian biao [I need to wait for the Lord’s timing].

His thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9).

23 Jan 2010

23 Jan 2010
12:35pm

I need to stop reacting negatively when people treat me inferiorly. I need to submit to God and let Him be the judge. We are all inferior to God. The Bible says there is no one who does good. People are trying to think they are part of the “elite” class, they try to rely on their own strength and smarts. Their strength is limited, but if I trust in God, my strength will be unlimited. With a donkey’s jawbone, I can make donkeys of them. Amen. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen.

25 Jan 2010
12:45pm

These days are hard for me. It’s hard to do both God’s work and man’s work at the same time. I get tired; I don’t get enough rest. During the work day, of course I do the best I can. The Bible says pretend I’m not working for man but working for God. I always try to volunteer, try to be useful, but it’s tough. Few days ago, I was so discouraged that I prayed that the girl I love could send me a message. I don’t care how. Either by e-mail, phone call, etc. Everyday, I feel God gives me just enough. Just like basic training. It was awful. I would hate to go back to that time. When I came back to my room, I found that my internet is down! I later found out that the friend I’m using the internet from, is ETSing (leaving) tomorrow. I knew about that, but I didn’t know it was that soon. So, I’m stuck without internet, and have to rely occasionally from my friends or bike to a CeeZee café. It’s okay, cause I’m still pumping out music videos for God. I have a lot to do and not so much time.

I feel writing more is wasting time, but I’m going to the range next week to qualify for my weapon (M16). I shot sharpshooter in basic. I was very surprised that I shot sharpshooter. In basic, I suck at everything lol. It’s awful. I feel all someone needs is a cocky attitude towards me and he wins. The drill sergeants were so surprised that I shot a sharpshooter that they thought my babysitter shot the targets for me. He was pissed off too, because he didn’t pass and he denied that he was helping me. Who wants to help me anyways? Only God can help me. So we took the qualifying test again and I got sharpshooter again. My babysitter passed this time; he got a marksman. When I was shooting, I knew I have to shoot by faith. I was wearing two glasses: my normal civilian glasses and my eye protection. Due to that, I can’t see clearly. The eye pro presses against my eye brows which causes sweat to drip down my glasses. It gets even worse to see through the tiny sight picture. To make matters worse, I still have some double vision, despite my surgery when I was a child. My eyes now just LOOK normal. I get a little nervous every time I go to get my eyes checked. I prayed that the doctor won’t notice my double vision and so far, they haven’t. My whole military life teaches me that I can’t trust or depend on my own strength. I would be dead by now. I have to rely on God. I was born 3 months premature. I would have died, but  no, God saved me.

I also feel everyday is a life-threatening day for me. God saved my life everyday. I need to be happy when I’m weak because when I’m weak, then I’m strong.

14 Jan 2010

14 Jan 2010

S: 7:33pm

I have something that happened to me today that trimupts my experience in the field, what happened after the field, and almost everything in my life. I lost my little ewe lamb.

Well, not an actual lamb, but my external hard drive. By losing that, I lost a lot of my personal information and ALL my pictures (but praise God, I still have the pictures of the girl I love, but I will delete it if it causes me to sin; she can’t “accept [my] feelings”). True, I used to have a copy of everything in my computer, but ever since I reformatted my computer, I no longer trust my computer and relied on my external hard drive. It’s so important to me that I actually comteptated suicide. I can’t go on with a big part of me missing. Someone probably stole it and used it for what it’s for, meat. Forget about the feeling, the emotions, or the experiences.

As I ponder about my loss (after looking like a poor widow trying to find her coin), I relized that my copy of everything is actually in heaven. God already knows everything. When I get to heaven, I can recall all the experiences in my life in a flash. I don’t really have to worry about keeping a personal backup. Now that I thought about it, I still have some of my pictures on Facebook. Heh, praise God for Facebook! Wow, Facebook is now my personal backup. My backup is now online. I wonder how long that will last.

Of course I feel angry on the person who stole it, but I hope that he (or she? probably not) will be changed by God because of it. I wrote a lot of God-stuff and I hope it can be used to evangalize to him. I also have all my important passwords, and yes, passwords that I can’t remember. Ouch, that will hurt, but I won’t change it. If he takes my money, it’s not my money he is stealing, but God’s, for all I have belongs to God.

And it’s also time for me to get a new computer. I used all my technial skill to fix my computer but it still failed. Even getting this on Facebook is a mircuale. I just hope I can use this time to backup what I DO have in this computer to a flash disk.

You know, I’m thinking of buying a box of external hard drives and just laying it on my bed when I deploy. I would make a poster that says “Jesus loves you” and leave it to that. This reminds me of an experience I had in AIT. One of the segarents would inspect our rooms everyday and mess their rooms up for no reason. Well, the segarents say they have a reason, like there’s a piece of trash on the floor, or the bunk isn’t dressed perfectly, or other bullshit reason. I know their motive, and it is to mess with soldiers just for the hell of it, in the name of training. My bunk would be flipped everyday and I wouldn’t know why. One day, I was tired of it, but I wanted to show God’s love to whoever is doing this evil thing. I took a piece of notebook paper, wrote in permeant marker “Jesus Loves You,” and taped a $20 bill to it. The next day, the flipping stopped. I looked underneath my pillow, and there it is, a $20 bill with “Jesus Loves You.” From then on, the seargents still check rooms, but they will only mess it up for obvious reasons. My bunk wasn’t flipped again for a long while. I find this kind of strange, but I didn’t really understand what was going on back then. Now I know, praise God.

And so, now I’m back from the field, but I still can’t “take control of my Facebook.” I would have to buy a new laptop and 2 external hard disks, just in case one of them get’s stolen.

1/15/10
S: 10:52

Praise God, I found an old backup of my pictures and most of my information, even through its several months out of date. I’m still content.

And also, I already went to the PX (its like a Wal-Mart to me) and brought a new laptop and ext. hard drive. A box? Nah, a little too expensive.

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10: Field and God and.. I’m in love

1/9/10

S: 9:13am

Hello everyone! It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I am currently in the field, back only for showers. I’m happy, happy to know that God still loves me, and happy that I got a major burden off my chest.

Before I continue, I want to say that I will update my Facebook as soon as I can. I have a lot of things to write about, especially on Jan. 3. It’s going to be embarrassing, but, oh well, God knows everything.

Field is always hard for me, but somehow, at least so far, and I know God’s love will prevail, and even if he doesn’t, God is still there and he knows everything. I’m getting used to been treated inferiorly. I kind of thought to myself a poem that goes:

I don’t care if people mistreat me because they don’t know that God is the Judge.
I don’t care if people misunderstand me because they don’t know that God knows everything.
I don’t care if people hate me because they don’t know God’s love.
I don’t care if people make fun of me because they don’t know that God is the judge.

And I want to say:

I don’t care if I’m weak because God is strong.
I don’t care if I don’t know anything because God knows everything.
I don’t care if no one loves me because God loves me.

I was carrying a huge burden on my chest because there is a girl I’m in love with (for months) but I haven’t declared my love yet. It is such a burden that I couldn’t function normally. Right before the 10-day field event, I have to let it out and tell her, which I did. I felt so good, I felt so free. It kind of feels like when Christian knelt before the cross and his burden finally dropped. I am not going to say who, of course, I must protect her privacy and I cannot sin against God. I sent her letters that I wrote but never had the guts to send and now, I’m spending almost every free time in the field writing on my journal about her so I can type it once I get back and send it to her. It’s wonderful to be in love, but I know that she would probably reject me. She wrote back and told me that she was “shocked” and can’t “accept [my] feelings for [her],” but she “sympathizes with [me].” Mission impossible. I will still show the extent of my love unless she tells me to stop. Of course, because I must not sin against God.

Even if she says yes, I will still love God. If she says no, I will still love God. God knows everything and he already has given me so much. I’m doing this because I’m prepared. God is in heaven and I am on earth. I want to say that I will worship God even if I go to hell because he is worthy to be praised.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I tried to use my flip camera to record myself playing guitar (the songs “Hungry” and “Heaven is calling out to me”) and upload it on Facebook, but I forgot to bring the stand that comes with it. I was only able to record my face or the guitar, not both. My voice sounds okay. You know what? I don’t care if my voice sounds horrible or if I made mistakes. I’m doing this for God, not man.

Finally, after some time and thought, I’m wondering to myself why I even use Facebook. Originally, it was to give glory to God. But, after thinking to myself about it, and remembering some of the notes I wrote, I feel kind of ashamed of who I am. Do I really want people to see this? It’s me, yes, it’s truthful, yes, but should it be shared? I know there won’t be Facebook in heaven because we will all know each other lol, but how about now? What’s the point of Facebook, really? I feel the reason I use Facebook is not to completely give glory to God but so that others can “sympathize” with me and understand me. I will feel so alone without Facebook because I don’t have anyone to talk about spiritual matters and matters of the heart. But I’m trying right now ;)

I will also boot out my squad leader from FB because he’s too close for comfort. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.

12/13/09

12/13/09

S: 9:36pm
E: 10:20pm

It’s over. It is so fucking over. My life has now come to an end. I checked on google (I didn’t dare go on my facebook again, it’s not the Steven Yeh anymore) for Endora. And guess what I found? On her profile picture, is a picture of her boyfriend. I don’t dare look at it again. I thought maybe it’s someone else since the message mentioned Japan. But when I checked the friends and saw one of my church members, I know this is it. No, I don’t want to be jealous and I am not jealous. I’m just very angry at my abilities and my current life situation and the way I was trained and brought up. My whole life has been prepared for failure. It is one big collosal failure. I can’t deal with people anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore unless I have to. In that case, my logical mask takes over. I can’t wait for the day of my death. I will see my parents, fake a urgent visit, and then die. I can’t wait. I just have to die. To die. The love of my life. And I just checked Dorcas’ too. Although it isn’t very obvious that she has a boyfriend, I saw her prom pictures. I think.. she probably has a boyfriend. Of course. The girls I love are spiritually high-class girls. I will have no chance. Or maybe not spiritually, but I’ll say smart, with a little bit of Jesus inside. Sigh. It’s okay. It’s alright. Endora is taken. Dorcas is probably also taken. I don’t want to find out because the probability is too low. I will just assume Dorcas is taken. Okay, so both girls are taken. Okay. Okay. I guess I will depart from this world then. This world really has nothing for me. I can’t stand living in this world. It’s just too difficult, too hard, too much suffering and shame for me. My life isn’t trained to be anything but a loser in society. Heh, what my dad feared has come true. His attempts to help me failed because he didn’t trust in God. And now, I am reaping the fruits of it. Ok.

I will still love God, because he still died on the cross for me. But I know that my life is too hopeless, too painful, too shameful to live on. I’m tired of failing God, tired of sinning against God, tired of having to fight against my weak flesh (both morally and physically), tired of being socially inapt, tired of everything, tired of wasting my time on fuitle things, on worldly things, tired of fear, tired of everything! My flesh is too strong. My spirit is too weak. I have no social support, none of the friends that I care about loves and cares about me. Endora is gone. Dorcas is gone. Canaan moved on. Jack Li is gone. Charles Song moved on. Wilson Chien is gone. Michael Bryan is gone (he moved). Wayne Lai is gone (I betrayed him). Heh, everyone is gone. I can’t live on anymore. I refuse to live in this painful, fuiltie world. I refuse to live with my strong flesh and weak spirit and willpower. I am overstressed, overburdened, overtroubled, and I have to deal with them by myself. Other people will probably think I am too high to maintain. Yes, by worldly standards, I am. But, by Godly standards, I’m not. God made me, he knows everything about me. To love people and to love God, no. To love God first and then to love people is the sole duty of man. Everything else comes second, or maybe last.

I want to say fuck everyone in this world. Fuck all my aquentises. Fuck those…. Well, the biggest blame and the biggest fuck would have to be me. Fuck me. I’m a loser and I always will be. Things happen to me, I don’t really make things happen. ANd if I try, it always fails. ANd when I try not to fail, I give up and choose to follow God.

I did not have sex in high school twice because I refuse to have my body sin against God.
If I were a nurse, I will make my patient list my “prayer list.”
If I were a teacher, I will teach my students something more permant: eternalty.
If I were a soldier, I will sling my rifle on my back and read the Bible. I will trust in God, with my expression of obidence.
If I were a ruler, I would have my people know the ways of the Lord, for it is in Christ that makes us free. And once He comes, I will surrender all my power and all my crowns to him. I will choose to be the lowest of all His servants if it needs be.

I am tired of writing what ifs. They won’t happen and will never happen. I am just going to live a lonely loser life for the rest of my days. It’s not a suicide, its an escape. An escape from this harsh world and my weak self.

ANd I hate comeptetion. Why do people try to best one another. And once they win, they subely brag and are proud. Why can’t those who are strong pretend they are weak and help those who are weak? And those who are weak be humble? For we are all weak before God. He is in heaven and I am here on earth. This world really is unlivable for me. Sure it has food, water, oxygen. But what it needs most is love. FOr it is love that God created the heavens and the Earth. It is out of love that he made us so we might be able to fellowship with HIm in a new heaven and a new earth. It is love that made Him die on the cross so we might live. More than oxygen I need your love. More than live-giving food, the hungry dream of. Yes, more than anything, I need His love. I need His love right now.

It’s just so painful to have such a weak spirit and a weak body (both, of course).

I hate those who think they are the best and know everything. I even hate those who are proud in their own eyes. But I think my biggest pet peeves is those who are right in their own eyes and they think that they follow God. Only those who I personally talk to and know can fall in this catogery. If it’s possible, I would gladly associate, live, help those who are much worse off than me. But I can’t.

I had a dream, and I wrote this before, about going to Xinjing, the western-most part of China. I want to be a missionary there, telling them about Jesus and the love of God. Heh, I’m glad it was only a dream. Because I have no chance. There is no hope for me. It seems that people are just too evil to truly love God and to love people. And yes, I am just too weak to live in this world. I don’t want to live to do evil, no, if that’s the case, I would rather not be born. I cannot to evil, I will not give Satan a foothold. I will either serve God or die. I will not serve myself, this world, or Satan. There is only one God in heaven that I will serve.

Many times, I asked God if he can just change back the hands of time. God could do it, because he created time. He is omipotent. But, I am only appointed to live and die once. My request goes against His Word. So… I guess I am just going to die. It is too hopeless to live. Just thinking about what I could have been if other people helped me is depressing and hopeless enough.

Nothing I write is worth anything. Because people only care and listen to those who are rich, have influence, etc. Heck, they don’t even listen to the Words of Jesus. Why would they listen to me?

You know, there are times when I wish I had some magical powers, to balance the unfairness I have been given in my life. I wish I can fly. I wish I can, with a stroke of my hand, cause fire and quakes. Heh.

Life is what happens to you when you are young, and from that path, what can you do about it? Every young people in this world needs to be taught the path to escape from sin and sorrow. To escape from death. To trust in God. To love God and to love people. That is the path of true happiness.

I write too much now. Heh, that’s cause I hardly write at all these days. It’s just too painful and too much suffering to write. But here are my words, my speech, and my thoughts.

I can’t wait and I look forward to that sweet refrain!