8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

8/23/2010: My dream, the Lord looks at the heart and girls

S: 3:13am

E: 5:13am

I was going to go back to sleep but I had a dream and a few teachings that I remembered from <i>Way of the Master</i> that I want to share. To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). I thought of something, a few inspirations, that if it gives glory to God, cannot be delayed. I wanted to sleep, but I must obey God rather than my flesh. Hmm, if Peter teaches us to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29), how much more do we need to obey God rather than our flesh?

[Note: This is kind of embarrassing, but I still need to post it truthfully because my God is the god of truth.]

I dreamed of Ben K as a youth pastor, leading the worship service. This time, he has gotten famous and is leading worship services for many different churches (in my dream, different FECA churches). I remember helping out the bulletin so Ben Ku can perform in our church (FEC-SGV). After that performance, I remember myself going into one of his worship services. He is singing Christian songs (songs we used to sing at CIA) but he looks different. He looks bearded up, like a hippie. Sorry about my description, but it’s according to my dream. I saw how he keeps talking to worldly people and how he tries to gain acceptance from them (secular, Rock & Roll crowd, etc). I felt that he is going astray as a Christian to be acceptable to the world. I decided to talk to him. I hope he still remembers me. I know he still remembers me; I was with him back in 8th grade (it’s true, and it’s in the dream). I tried to talk to him, and looking at how busy he is and with somebody from the world that keeps following and talking to him, I decided that my best bet is to ask to speak to him privately. I asked if I can speak to him outside. I was having trouble talking and getting him to agree with me because I wasn’t that important to him. He just remembers me. As I kept trying, we naturally stepped outside, which the ground is snow (I didn’t feel cold and it wasn’t snowing; I’m just writing what I know for sure in the dream). I found myself outside in the snow, behind a pickup truck (I only remember the back open trunk, not the truck itself). There was initially two people on the truck. One got off (a girl, I think, and both Asian) leaving Deborah S on the truck. I said, “Deborah, please stay with me.” I needed her help just in case. I told Ben K how he wasn’t the youth pastor he used to be (a person who follows and loves God) and how he needs to be “Asian” again. He is still wildly popular to all Asians (don’t ask, it’s my dream). Then, from inspiration, something told me to pick up a chuck of snow and try to use it to play with him. I picked up a chuck of snowy ice and half threw at his snow boots (they look strangely like my Army boots). I want him to remember his past. Seeing the snow reminds me of the Alpine retreat camp, a retreat which I have strong memories on. Something awakened inside him and he bent down, made a snowball, and threw it at someone. I thought it was going to miss, but it hit someone (a young girl, someone I knew back then, from church). Everybody in the dream were people I knew, but when they were in middle school. I thought she might react to the hit, but she just ignores it and continued to run. I had a feeling that I succeed in my mission and I woke up.

While waking up, I thought about Gabriel M’s status update that said, “There is a God, but he won’t wipe your butt for you (something like that)”. My mind gave me counter-arguments but mostly to challenge atheists and to convince them that there is a God. Basically, my argument to atheists that there is a God is this:

If you look at the evidence on both sides (God vs. no God), the evidence shows that there is a God. All you need is something that is supernatural to believe that there is a God; do you really think this whole world is made by chance? Where does matter come from? How can a variety of matter exist out of nothingness?

My God, the living God, is a God who made me and knows me; He knows my name.

Psalms 139:1  O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

When he made me, he knows that we need a Savior to save us from death.

And also, people who like to attack others; to bring other’s down, will not succeed for it is God who humbles and exalts:

1 Samuel 2:7  The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts.

8  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes and has them inherit a throne of honor. “For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s; upon them he has set the world.

For people who attack others by saying that they are nothing, they are right! The Bible says we are nothing. We are the clay, he is the potter. We need him to make us into something, a holy instrument used by the Lord (2 Timothy 2:21). We all are nothing, we all are weak, we all need God.

Let’s use the example of David and Goliath. How many people, before the actual battle think David will win? Not much. How many people think Goliath will win? Probably most. Yet, it is the person the world thinks will lose that wins.

Isaiah 40:28  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

29  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

30  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

1 Corinthians 1:27  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

So when people attack me by saying that I’m nothing, they are right. I am nothing, but it is God who can make something out of nothing.

One of my pet peeves is people who attack the person (their weaknesses, faults, deficiencies) rather than helping the person build him/her up or to find ways to improve areas of weaknesses. They are the ones who attack the builders rather than the building. They attack, criticize, judge with the intention of demoralizing their victims.

James 3:8  but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9  With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness.

10  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

Psalms 140:1  Rescue me, O LORD, from evil men; protect me from men of violence,

2  who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day.

3  They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Selah

4  Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.

Back to Jerusalem, a Chinese Christian organization built by multiple house churches in China, plans to sent 100,000 missionaries in the countries between Jerusalem and Beijing. The second they unveiled their plans to the world, criticism followed. Critics attack the plan, the organization, anything to prevent, what they think won’t happen, from happening.

Acts 5:38  Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail.

39  But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

In their article “Dealing with Criticism- Lessons for Serving God” BTJ started the article with:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The

credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred

by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes

short again and again; because there is not effort without error and

shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the

great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause,

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who

at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place

shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor


– Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), 26th President of the United States


The article wrote that Noah, Moses, David, Nehemiah, most OT prophets, and many others were the targets of criticism. Some people try to make their opinions become reality by attacking the individual hoping that, in the end, does become reality. But, praise God, I know that my God is strong and that my God is loving.

Psalms 62:11  One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12  and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Some people make a living by attacking people. Others make a living by helping people. Some people are good. Some people are evil. Which side will you be on?

If this blog doesn’t offend you, then you have nothing to worry about. This blog will only offend those who deserve to be offended. May it give strength to the weak but a sword to those who destroys.


Now a change of subject.

I find that girls in Taiwan are so beautiful. Nowhere else in the world can I find girls as beautiful as those in Taiwan. It seems every girl I see is pretty and cute. But, I cannot chase them nor will I allow my eyes to cause me to sin (despite the fact that I tried, I still lusted with my eyes and thus, sinned). I told my mom that I won’t chase any girl (even though I really, really! want to) because there is another girl I promised God to. It’s so painful, almost like torture. When my relatives asks me if I have a girlfriend (their intension is for me to get a girl in Taiwan), I told them yes (hesitantly). I cannot love another. I told my mom that after my seven years, I will just give my life to God.

Beautiful girls, all over the world / oh I could be chasin’ but my life would be wastin’ / I need to follow God, baby / I need to follow God, baby.


Oh, I almost forgot. I remember one time when James and me went into our church’s conference room at the office. On the conference table, I remember seeing a marker that reads: “Are you focusing on the problem or the solution?” James and I laughed but the problem of destructive criticism is real.

7 July 2009

7 July 2009

S: 0618
E: 0624

Because I’m in love with Dorcus, I decided to write every dream I had about her. Today is a special day. I dreamt about her.

I first remembered myself in the back of a trailer or a truck collecting basketballs and giving them to our teammates standing behind the trailer. One of the teammates is Dorcus. I would grab a basketball and hand it to her. She would get the ball, run a little to the dodgeball court, and start throwing. The interior of the trailer is gray, the basketball is orange with grip fuzzies. I had the impression that she’s kind of weak. She always gets the ball I throw at her. I chose to throw all the basketballs I got to DOrcus because I’m in love with her.



S: 2326
E: 2345

Today is a very bad day. Why? Because I played computer games. When I play computer games I can’t stop. It destroys my life. It is God I need, not games. I cannot worshp both God and games. Oh my. I feel terrible. Lord, please forgive me and rebuild me please. Lord, please help me. I can’t stand myself. There are so many important things I need to do. Why do I spend my precious time, the free time God has given me to play games? Lord, forgive me. I am unworthy. Lord, you gave me so much and yet, I still sin against you. Lord, please forgive me. I am distressed. I shouldn’t have brought any games. Why? Lord, my weakness should not be a reason to sin. Lord, please help me. Lord, help me. Forgive me. Jesus, loving Jesus. Sweetest name I know. You are the God who fills my every longing. Why do I waste my time playing games? Why do I gamble, no, even worse, destroy my life playing games. God can give these things to me. He is in control. The world is in His loving hands. Why do I have to sin against God to get things that perish.

I want to record something that greatly shows how much God loves me. I will not use this to sin. No, please don’t. I drement last night, a girl from SINWA. Her name is Eden. I had three, maybe four dreams, including breaks (latrine) of her. I hope I can say I love her. She is pure, sweet, innocent, kind, and childish. And she is also impulsive and extorverted. You know, even my dream tells me playing computer games is bad. I played mario go-carts with her, but even through I taught her how to win (she won on her second try) when she almost killed the other go-cart, the game was suddenly canceled. And after the gaming experience, I feel that I didn’t really spend quality time with her. The setting is always different but the girl is always the same. Sometimes there’s seperate Eden look-alikes, but I always try to find the “real” Eden. In my last dream, Eden and me were in a supermarket. I told her to drink more milk so she can have strong bones. I walked to the place where milk is sold and told her to follow me. And I started to get some milk for her. The dream was very specific. There were different kinds of milk. 4% fat, 3% fat, etc. In all my dreams, I always wanted to hold her hand. I never wanted to lose sight of her. I always wanted to be with her. I am much, much older than her. (She is only seven). Thus, any, forgive me Lord, sexual expression is not allowed. I have no sexual tentendices toward her in my dream. It’s more like agrape love. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to love her. I wanted the best for her. I will most likely never see her again, but I know that my Lord my God will take care of her. The Lord gave me a wonderful gift tutoring children. In many ways, the children tutored me. I feel I learned and gained more than I gave. I feel so blessed when I think about my tutoring years. Army life is so painful, stressful, filled with suffering. I wish I could be rightous in God’s eyes before I joined the Army. If I followed God a year before, I wouldn’t have joined the Army. Although life will still be hard in the beginning, it will get better because with God, everything gets better.

God, many times, I wish I can go back. But that is not possible. Lord, you have done so much for me. Forgive me Lord for not giving you 100% like what happened today. But I know it is too late. I can’t go back in time. I can’t go back. I made mistakes, and I have to suffer for it. But one thing that I love about the Lord. He helps me in my suffering. He makes my suffering barable, even though my suffering is still great. So painful Lord, life is so painful. I prefer to sleep and never wake up again. Lord, please forgive me. Lord, please help me.

The time when I need the most help is when I am farthest from you. I need you Lord, more than anything and anyone. Help me to walk in your truth and your way.


{written diary}


P {problem}: loner, bored, no one to talk to.  Feeling that no one loves me or cares about me.

S {solution}: Well, it is very painful.  I used to say to myself that I can’t take any pain.  The problem is that I can.  I can take the pain of lonelyess.  The pain of no one to love me.  The pain of hopenessless.  This pain is very painful, but I’m taking it everyday.  I can’t really trust people anymore.  I dream of being in a cool meadow with the sun shining down on my cheeks.  The air is cool and fresh.  A slight wind is blowing on my cheeks.  This wonderful feeling.  Me standing on green grass and beautiful flowers.  The dewdrops still on the flowers.  And I smell the red tulip.  It truely smelled like summers coming.  And in addition, the girl of my dreams, whos perfect for me is right beside me, holding her hands with me, loving me.  She satisfy me.  Her beautiful face and long hair flowing like the wind.  Such a wonderful feelings.  And then she and me ran together.  Like the wind itself, flying with me.  I am feeling pain right now.  I’m feeling lots of pain right now.  I want to disappear right now.  I want to give up right now.  I want ppl to ignore me right now.  I want to die right now.


5:48 am

I just woke up and did my chemisty homework. I didn’t finish it, however. I had a dream today. A very very weird dream.
I wrote it down on a piece of paper. This is what I wrote (I revivised some of it):

1. Dreamed of in my room. Some two people (possibly adult) are sitting on the left side of my room. Kelly (girl in 6th period) is sitting on the right side (where the books are). I am lying on my side facing Kelly. I told
her “Do you want to touch my private part?” she said “Okay” (or sure, or something). She startred to touch my belly, next to my gray papjams (the pajimas I’m wearing right now!) and started to dig in. Then I saw the two adults so I stopped her by putting my handing on her
hand which is is touching my underwear. “Later, when it’s only me and you” (or is it you and me?) I told her.

2. In Tawain, at a supermarket. It is a very old-fashened market. There are fruits in golden brown boxes which have many flies. There are also dirty men pondering about.

3. At this store, guys are all asking to marry this quiet girl. She always says “No.” My parents went and asked the family if they can marry this quiet girl, but again she says “No.”
I however, never tried asking her. (Maybe I should but she will again say “No” to a stupid guy like me.)

4. Mr. Fong telling all students in the classroom who wanted to take chemistry to come to his room. (I am in Honors Chemistry) He told all the students to come to his room. (Strange, I am already at his room. I stood outside and saw Mr. Fong on a wooden table with
metal legs and students milling about. I saw some students go up to “his room.” I however, just stood there debating to myself. I thought about my 75% grade which was an improvement from a 61%. Homework in Honors chemistry, however, took a lot of precious

Well thats it, how was it? I always think my first dream is the dream I remember. I wish all my dreams were like my 1st dream. I want more of that, but I want Ruby even more. But I can’t so I can only dream.
Heh, I just thought of the poster the Seniors put during the sprit week:

A senior is what a junior isn’t
Is what a soph. wants to be,
and what a freshman can only dream of.

Hahahahaha, lol, very funny. (At least to me and my second self) Just like Neo and Anderson. hahaha. :) :) :) :( opps, have this one to even it out: :] lol!

If Ruby loved me and I love her, I might not have those sex dreams (I called it that, heh). I really love her but I am just too shy. I know I should give her a chance and most of all, I know I should try.
I then remembered this saying:

If you fail, try, try again.

And a second saying:

You fail 100% if you don’t try

(Got that from the yearbook, and a senior’s quote)

Lol, get this that is so funny (at least to me)

A senior has this as his quote (Rather than the classic: Class of blah blah blah rocks!)


Lol. HahahaHAHAHAHA! Thats it, can you imagine. It looked like a kid, it downgraded the entire yearbook. Boy, ppl do crazy things but I not saying I don’t do crazy things too. Everyone I think
does crazy things. Ok, time is running out. Damm why is it always time that stopped this diary. If only we can recieve more hours in a day. Lol, chicken soup. I love you Ruby.