9/8/09

9/8/09

S: 4:33am
E:

I woke up early to write about my life. I feel I need to write it edown or I will forget it.

I feel so alone, so isolated. The girls I love, my dreams, my goals, they all seem so hard, impossible, to attain. I don’t want to live anymore. All I see in my road of life is suffering, pain, shame, dishonor, curses, hatred, loniness, wasted oppertunites (because I no longer have the power to take advantage of it), anger, etc. Of course I love my church. I want to reconnect with them, but, they don’t want me, they don’t need me. Of course God doesn’t need any of us, but I don’t feel loved by my church. My heart is in pain. My soul cries. I really want to love my church, the church of my youth, but they are not willing.

I’m never going to find a wife in my church. They all seem so seculer. They use God instead of giving him glory. Their music, taste, movies, almost everything, reflects a secular lifestyle. And Dorcas? She is not the godly person I envisioned her to be. In fact, let me look at her profile…. The first thing I see is her daily horoscope. All her personal information does not reflect the Lord. I cannot tell if she is a Christian just by looking at her info. And.. she hid her reglious status. She doesn’t even claim to be a Christian. Of course, she might just be hiding this from me, but why would she? Her favorite quotations are not from the Bible, none of them are. The first one is “go die!” Wow…. I hate being a stalker, but I need to see the truth.

Ok, go to Endora —. She already has a boyfriend, so I will not even consider her anymore.

While I’m waiting… I want to say that I love all of them. Hopefully everyone from church even through they don’t really like me. Many of their values don’t reflect God. In fact, I can’t tell if they are Christian unless they say so.

Ok, back to Endora. I’m happier for her. I know her mom is a grat women of God. And she is clearly influenced by her. Praise God! :) Her description says “Jesus, I’m kneeling at your feet. Life is knocking me down. Come and fill me up.” I’m happy for her. Happy that she still loves the Lord. Her infomation more closely reflects God, but still.. it is littered with dramas and secularism. Still, I’m happy for her. She loves “Christian and fob songs.” And her info mentions Jesus. I’m happy for her.

This is her about me:

I love to sing. I’m pretty short. I can be loud but also really shy at times. I love GOD. I love kids. Taiwan is the best place in the world. I don’t like green onions and I live for Jesus. :]

~The biggest lesson I’ve learned in this life is to forgive those who judge you the most because those who judge you the most, are only afraid to be judged. WWJD?~

She loves the Lord. Amen.

If she is still avaliable, I would have hit her…. She is still so beautiful to me. Of course I love everyone, but I still love her….

Ok, I’m done updating my facebook again. She made me state my political views. And now I know she might be Taiwanese. Heh, not that it’s a good thing….

You know what, let me also see Emily –‘s profile….

Her’s is also more Christian. Her status states: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Amen. Praise the Lord.

About Me:
I’m really boring and I honestly love watching tv and sleeping.

That just isn’t fair…. I’m really boring too, but she has so many friends (496). I need to go now. SGM. Just a false alarm. Whew. Why do people do these things? That’s just like lying.

Ok, now let me see Jonathan —-‘s profile. I remember him as a friend back when I was young.

His profile also has God in it. That’s good, praise God. He enjoys making people smile. Heh, I enjoy helping others. That’s good.

About Me:
Entertaining people makes me smile. To see people happy, laughing, and having fun makes my day. To see the opposite makes me depressed.

When I grow up, I want to be an actor and a high school teacher.

Cooking is something I have the capability of doing.

The first impression people have of me is either “weird”, “freaky”, or “scary”.

One of my goals in life is to be as good of a friend to someone as they will let me be.

I have made a bunch of mistakes, all of which I truly regret.

People find me a lot less mysterious that I actually am.

A skill of expertise that I have is creating illusions of myself.

Ok, I’m thinking about packing up for this discovery. I’m tired and need rest.

Oh, before I forget, let me check Carrian —‘s profile.

Never mind, no time. I was partially right. The 1SG is coming. Better pack up.

Lord, I am kneeling at your feet. Come fill me up.

It’s not about me, its about God.

Help me Lord, keep me alive.

8/25/2009

8/25/2009

S: 7:32
E: 7:50?ish

I hate it how once I finished with all my necessary things, I hardly have time for myself. I wanted to continue to update my facebook so I can invite my friends. But that would have to wait.

As I said before, I am a weak person. I have to rest, to sleep early, just so I can be on equal grounds with my peers. I’m tired, yet I don’t want to sleep yet. I want to reconnect with my friends.

I wrote a list of 11 goals that I hope to accomplish during my stay in the Army. I plan to publish it on facebook. I grow to like facebook now. It serves as a way for me to connect with my friends even though I’m 500 or 5000 miles away. It enables me to see the faces of those I love when I was young again. I really miss them. I want to touch them, to talk to them again.

Again, this diary is for myself only. It’s clearance is top-secret heh. My facebook is secret (friends). And while my military friends have classified ratings, some I will allow to be my friend. That’s why there is a conflict in me. My facebook is about my thoughs and my feelings. But what if those near me now see them as hostile? They might attack me, mistreat me, and so forth. I am only saying what I think. Do I have a right to do that? Am I not a soldier of Christ and also a soldier of freedom also? For it is in Christ that sets us free. I am going to include what I wrote in the office so I don’t have to keep pieces of my treasures around.

8/25/09

S: about 4pm

My heart is stirred by a noble theme, as I recite the verses of the king.

I am in conflict whether to invite my military friends on Facebook or not. Facebook is a place of honesty. A place to write honest thoughts. However, I really disagree with what they are doing. I have nothing but critisim for them. I am stuck, what can I do? They know me, but if I increase my intenisity, they will dislike it. They might even grow to hate me.

How about they don’t care who they fuck. How they don’t care about their morals. How…. so man things. Surly strength is their god. They do not fear God. And they hardly fear men.

Sure, I am messed up too, but I prayed the prayer of David in Psalm 51: “Have mercy upon me O God, according to your unfailing love.”

———————————————-

And my goals:

1) Be able to love and follow God wherever he leads me. Develop faith the size of a mustard seed.

2) Get a BA or BS degree.

3) Learn a foreign language.

4) Be strong and healthy.

5) Get lastilik eye surgury during Christmas leave.

6) Reconnect, support, and confid with my old friends.

7) Get a girlfriend.

8) Memorize the Book of Psalms or/and key verses in the Bible.

9) Develop a capable kingdom on Envoy.

10) Stop playing computer games

11) Develop soldier skills

—————————-
Theses are my goals. I also annotated them on my orginal copy with s= spiritual and so forth, but that takes too long. Sorry, I’m lazy.

Sigh, I still regret the fact that I rejected God during my high school years. Just because I met disappointment in 8th grade with my church members does not mean I can reject the one who loves me, God. I wonder… my life would be truly different if only I opened myself up in my middle school years. I could also have met Dorcas, Endora, and other sisters in the Ger family. I would love to get to know them. But now… sigh. When I came back to church during late high school, I probably seen the Ger sisters. But… I didn’t reconlize them. Sigh…. It’s fine. God is already doing so much to help me by letting me reconnect with much of them through facebook. Praise God. Let the house of Israel say his love endures forever.

The internet is down, so I can’t update my facebook and publish my declassified version on it. Heh… it just might be the same actually. Truth hurts, but its the truth. There’s no way around it. Actually, there is, but its just not worth it. I learned that in middle school.

May God bless all of you.

8/24/09

8/24/09

S: 7:04pm
E: 7:19pm

I am reading other people’s diaries, including the diaries of Anne Frank. I guess the next best thing to trying to be sociable and failing (yes, I really tried, almost to death), is to read a person’s personal life. To experience what they are experiencing, to live how they are living.

I am writing on my bed.. now its better. Its much more comfortable to write sitting up than lying down. I guess readings the same way. Heh. You know.. I am starting to feel more like a child. I am more childlike, I … never mind.

Another thing. I am just so evil. I hate myself. I failed God. I don’t know what to do now. I am so dazed. I was just about to remove myself from the 3 groups I was in on Yahoo. Now I’m wasting my time playing Envoy. Sigh, its evil. The advertising is evil. They use women, pretty girls to lure you. And what do you get? A kingdom management game. I joined because of the kingdom management game of course….

And Dorcas. No, I will spell it Dorcus. I still love her. I will send her a secret admirer soon. I love her. Yes, I still love her. I will love her through sickness and pain. God, please. I know its not pure of me. I know I could do more to further your kingdom but please! Just give me this little bit of solace. And then make my life ten times harder, I don’t care. Just let me marry Dorcus. I love her, even to death. I know…. Dorcus is a changed person. She isn’t the cute little girl I met in Alpine 10 years ago. I love her. I still love her. I really love her. Why can’t I … no I can’t. Why can’t God… no, I can’t blame God. Why can’t I just have the guts to come up to her and say “I love you.” I don’t care what method of approach or the angle or the what.. I just want to TRY.

You know, I don’t really care about my life anymore. I tried again and again to please God and I’m failing again and again. Why should I try again? Wouldn’t the results be the same? Failure? I have to try a different approach, abet a more evil one. But I will still honor and respect God. He is still my all in all.

I feel so alone. So loney. I want a girlfriend. I want a girl I can confide to. To spill, to tell all my heart longing and troubles and excitement. To banish any sort of fear, to tell as freely as I would tell myself.

Ok, I am an impatient person. I could be patient if I have to, but otherwise, I am an impatient person.

Time for me to redramize facebook. And I need to kick my sister out until I’m ready. Actually facebook would just be for myself. No, special people can still read it. Sigh. I am still split between spilling everything out in facebook or keeping it tame or deleting facebook. Maybe I should make facebook as honest as I want other people to see. Yes, that’s a good idea. Facebook is my face in my book. * .. lol.

8/11/09

8/11/09

S: 7:26pm
E: 7:48pm

My mind is now bending, but I must worship God. Why is my mind bending? Because, praise God!, I have Dorcas’ e-mail address! I’m so happy, and I feel it is a mircale because just yesterday I e-mailed Kenny Wu. Just now I realized my mistake. The real Kenny from charis is Kenny Xi. Kenny Wu probably never knew me. Sigh, big mistake lol. Nevertheless, I am just glad I have another church brother join the military. I feel less alone. Praise God.

Before I talk about Dorcas, let me review the events I have today. Today is a day of rememberance. I remembered what made me great. It wasn’t my skills or talents. It’s not my looks or what I wear. What made me great is how much I trusted in God. It is following His ways, worshipping Him that made me great. And that is also what made America great. Obeying the fruits of the spirit, especally patience or longsuffering or endurance, which is what I lack, is what made me great. And not great as in great in the sight of men, but great in the sight of God. I must give glory to God. If the best I can do is just give a penny of worth to God, then let me gladly suffer toil, pain, suffering, hardship, shame to give that penny to the Lord God who created me. I am already struck down many times. I sinned against God many times. I did so much evil. So much. I failed him, but I will still do the best I can, not just with my flesh, because in my flesh I can do no good thing, but relying on God to overcome the flesh. To worship him even when my flesh says “no.” To praise him even when I don’t feel like to. To be joyful even when my situation is anything but.

What is my life, that I can plan? What plan do I have? What destiny do I have? Why am I trying to be great. In fact, why do I even try? I must stop working for the world and start working for God. I must make sure that everything I do is pleasing to God. I am not here to please myself. I am here to please God. I am here to give glory to God. I am not here to get what I want, but I am here to do God’s pleasing and perfect will.

From now on, I will forake the world, and follow God. I will no longer try, I will. I am tired of trying because in my flesh, I can do no good thing. In my flesh is weakness. I must overcome my flesh in matters that please God. When there is a need for prayer but I am tired, I must pray. I must. I must. Help me Lord to do your will. As I said eariler, it doesn’t matter if I lose every battle. What matters is that I faithfully follow the Lord. I will win the war in the end.

So forget about Dorcas. Forget about my college ambitions. Forget about trying to eat tasty food. Forget about doing questionable or evil things in the name of relieving stress. Forget about studying. Forget about everything. I need to follow God first. I need to obey him first. I need to know him completely first. He will guide me. He will lead me. Everything else will come later. Maybe not in this life, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I please and worship God.

The God who made me, who saved me, who loved me. I must decrease and he must increase. Still, if the path gets too hard, I must pray. I must ask God to help me. To deliever me. To give me strength. To give me hope. God is my everything. Everything I have is in him. It’s going to be so hard. It’s going to be so painful. So shameful. So everything bad. I must not give up. If I fail, I must die. No buts or ifs. This is it. I must follow God. I must totally serve and follow him. I will not go back another step.

But of course I will go back, of course I will mess up. But what matters is that I do not give up. That I will fight faithfully to the end. Even with the battle is so beyond me, I will still fight as long as I possibilly can with God’s help. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

PS: In evil, hard, or trying times, pray to God for help, praise him for giving you the strength to endure. In good times, when times are easy, praise God, give thanks to him. Sing to him, worship him.

8/01/09

8/01/09

S: 1108
E:

I have a lot to write about today. First, today is the sabbath of the Lord. And yes, its on Saturday. Today is a day of rest because God commanded us to.

I have alot of disturbing thoughts. The first is my church, and also Dorcas. I have a feeling that my church is forgetting about me. And also, it is veering away from Christ. For one thing, why is cornerstone, a group in my church, having a welcoming party for newly graduates in a mansion? The wording is wrong too. It should be more humble like, welcoming party (party is acceptable..) for new members in Chung’s house. And why is there beach trips and no evang…. You know what? I don’t really know. It seems the groups in my church are closer to a social club than a evanglizating mission club. I would rather be in the donut repair club than cornerstone lol. Still, I miss them. I want to fellowship with them, but it seems like they forgot about me. You know what? Its ok. I won’t forget them. I will still pray for them.

And Dorcus? I began writing a letter to her but its still incomplete. I still love her. I miss her. I can’t really get a girlfriend or another soulmate until I settle my aching, kind of hopeless love for Dorcas. And I like to type “Dorcus” instead of “Dorcas.”

Well, its ok. I”m not smart, I don’t have a college degree and not having a good chance to get one, so it makes sense for them to reject me. My church values achievement too, sadly. It’s ok. It’s ok, I will still do the best to worship God alone. God will help me, he will help me find a way. Only God knows, only Him. I trust and follow the Bible only, why must there be division?

Forgive me Lord, I am still a very sinful man. I will do my best to increase your glory. I must decrease but you must increase. Amen.

7 July 2009

7 July 2009

S: 0618
E: 0624

Because I’m in love with Dorcus, I decided to write every dream I had about her. Today is a special day. I dreamt about her.

I first remembered myself in the back of a trailer or a truck collecting basketballs and giving them to our teammates standing behind the trailer. One of the teammates is Dorcus. I would grab a basketball and hand it to her. She would get the ball, run a little to the dodgeball court, and start throwing. The interior of the trailer is gray, the basketball is orange with grip fuzzies. I had the impression that she’s kind of weak. She always gets the ball I throw at her. I chose to throw all the basketballs I got to DOrcus because I’m in love with her.