2017.2.15: My Date with God

2017.2.15: My Date with God

God, it doesn’t matter how much You give me. I’m still going to love You. It doesn’t matter how much you give me compared to others. It doesn’t matter God, if you give someone a billion dollars and you only give me a penny. It doesn’t matter how much you give me. I’m still going to love You. Your praise will always be on my lips. Even if you stop giving me. Even if you cut me off, God, what You have done for me is already so much for me. So much for us.

It doesn’t matter if I incur abuse from people, from people who love You or not. It doesn’t matter if they say things that hurt me. If they say things that are true but very painful to me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, I’m still going to love You. Your praise will always be on my lips.

It doesn’t matter if people make me feel rejected. It doesn’t matter what people do to me or how I interpret it. I’m still going to love You to seek You, to at least try, to try my best. Your praise will always be on my lips.

And it doesn’t matter if people hurt me even more, when they say that I don’t love You, that I don’t really seek You that I don’t really love You. Well, God, I’m still going to love You, I’m still going to seek You. If I suck at loving You, at seeking You, then I’m still going to love You to seek You. Your praise will always be on my lips. Even if I’m going to hell, O Lord, I’m still going to love You and worship You and seek You for the rest of my life, at least try, but I’ll try to try my best, because I know You love me. I know You are the one true God. The God of heaven and earth. You will have your bride.

And God, I will still love those people. I will still try to love those who hate me, or who have hurt me, whether righteously or not. I will still love them, I will still pray for them, I will still bless them. That is the difference. They may curse they may attack me they may do anything to me even say that they love me that’s why they do these things to me. But God, help me not to take revenge. Help me to continue to bless them, to pray for them. To love them. Thank you God. To love your family, to love your people, to love all those that You have made.

If they tell me that me blessing them is actually more evidence that I hate them, then God, Your praise will always be on my lips. Then I will hug them, to love them, to kiss them out of love. To give them a fish, to give them what is good. Not to show off, but to show that I love them.

So God, regardless of what people do to me, regardless of what you give me, regardless of where I am compared to others, I will still try and try to try my best to love You and to seek You. Your praise will always be on my lips. If you take away my penny or what is worth my life and I die, then I will die still trying to love You and seek You. I will die a seeker.

So God, I thank You for giving me the ability to survive, to praise You, to worship You, to love others, and to pray and bless my enemies. If they want to kill me, I will not resist. I will put myself in Your hands. And if I die, I will die seeking You, I will die trying to love You. I will die an overcomer.

Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus.

And help me Lord, to continuously pray for those around me. I will raise a spiritual aura. I will raise a continual aura of prayer. Of blessings. Of You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Give me strength.

And to add, it doesn’t matter if nobody reads my blog or not. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I love God. It doesn’t matter as long as I try to seek You and love You. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God. Your praise will always be on my lips.

A new commandment I give you: Love one another as I have loved you. John 13:34




S: 11:18pm
E: 1:20pm

Maybe I should write every day, at least short pieces. Perhaps writing daily will help me in my life. Right now, my mind is kind of in jumbo. I’m thinking so many things and forgetting so many at the same time. I feel disorganized right now, probably the worse time for me to write. :(

Maybe one of the best forms of writing is to write uninhibited. There are exceptions, and maybe a balance to that approach, of course, so wisdom will dictate when to use them. Maybe I should change the tone to myself. I feel I can write so much easier. But, if I write to myself, I’ll be too afraid to post it for everyone to see. So my tone will still be for others, maybe a compromise of both. I’m writing so many maybes, maybe that’s because there’s so much exceptions and maybes in life and we need God’s wisdom to sort it out.

One thing that is bothering me quite a bit is my eye. No, it’s not damaged or anything, so don’t feel sorry for me. Rather, I feel my eye is getting more tired easily. I attribute that to spending too much time in front of a computer. That is one reason why I started my weekly (or I hope it to be) fast. I haven’t fasted for a long time so the fast yesterday was a very lively experience. No, I didn’t feel much hunger pains, rather, I feel like an electric sensation going through my arms and an altered state of awareness, a little like feverish, mentally. I do feel, however, that my body is recovering itself. All those dead cells being replaced. My body restoring balance. Not to mention I save a seventh out of my food budget. Well, not quite, but more like 6.5. My one-day fast was actually closer to a 30-hour fast (no, not the famine although that was a good experience). To adjust to my computer-heavy eyeload, I would take breaks and use deep breathing to rest my eyes. But I feel my eye is getting worse (not vision-wise, stamina) hence the fast. I also decided to fast as a time to grow closer to God, to realize that “man does not live on bread alone but on the every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

I messed up yesterday, I sinned against God, but I know that as Christians, we will never be perfect in this life. I went to the “Rising Our Voices” event at Sunshine Community Center on Friday with my La Fe Intervarsity Christian Fellowship group (whew, long name) and the youth pastor there said those words. Christians are not perfect but forgiven but as Christians, we all try to be like the Heavenly Father, who is perfect. We will finally reach our goal once Christ comes again and gives us new bodies. And my eye got much better thanks to the fast. I know, I’m a bit disorganized right now.

I hate it how timeliness is almost everything. If I’m talking to a person and then I forgot to mention an important word or phrase, then it’s almost always too late to add it back and have the same effect. I get that a lot when I was in the Army. I would be so afraid talking to some people that I wasn’t able to express myself. Or, and I just thought of this, sometimes I would think of something that is cool or ingenious to say in class but I was too afraid or too worried about the consequences that I let the opportunity pass. Then, in hindsight, I should have said it. Maybe, for me, if I reach the point of debating to myself whether I should say something or not, I should say it. My filter is already very layered, like the clinical trials in medicine.

Goodness, I do have quite a few things to say, and that is because this is the first of my many (hopefully) daily or at least semi-daily discoveries (blog). So I got the Positive Qualities chart from Hanna’s Herb Shop and it is great! I love it! I took a picture of the chart and I’m going to share it on Facebook and my blog very soon. One of the qualities I am focusing on right now is “high-minded.” Many times, I find that I’m focusing on low things, my mind sometimes gets in the gutter, ahem. I want to focus on things that are, according to Philippians 4:8, pure, lovely, admirable, or excellent. Some of the traits, I’m still evaluating myself so please don’t judge me :) , I already have or have experienced. Traits such as enduring, frugal, careful, reflective, precious, childlike, among others. But the mass majority, I lack, and some I never even heard about. But, it’s okay. What matters is the journey. Which brings me to my next point (thank God I remembered).

One thing I learned, and thanks to other people’s contributions, is not to see life as goals. If I don’t get an A I’m a loser. If I don’t make this interview then I suck. If I can’t get into my Social Work program than life has no meaning. If we see life from a goal or external perspective, we will tend to give up more easily if life doesn’t go our way. I was reading an article two weeks ago on Wall Street Journal about the reason why the author got this far in business is because he had a “systems” approach as opposed to what I call a goal approach. Life gave him many setbacks, he made many mistakes, but he still chose to keep going. What gave him the strength to keep going was in his approach. He doesn’t place a high emphasis on winning or losing but on effort, on enduring, on not giving up. I call it the journey approach. I want to see life and my dreams and strivings as a journey not as a win-or-lose goal. I didn’t get the job I want. Not a big deal. What matters is I’m on my journey. Storms may come, my feet may get muddy, I may even take steps back or get lost, but as long as I’m on my journey, as long as I’m on my path, that’s what counts. It’s okay if I can’t become a lawyer and fight for human rights. It’s okay if I can’t have a high-paying job. It’s ok. I just need to keep in the journey or path that God has given me. Great things will come naturally if I just focus on my journey.

21 Cleric

I call my journey the Paladin’s path. I think it should be the cleric’s path. If you ever played dungeons-and-dragon’s type games or got really into the Lord of the Rings, you will know what I mean. Actually, if you just like medieval RPG-type games, you will know what I mean. When I was in the Army, I wanted to be like a Paladin. A paladin uses physically as well as spiritual strength to fight against evil. Back then, it sounds fitting for me. I was more extroverted, I was around people a lot more. But now, I feel like being a paladin is no longer a perfect fit. A paladin is 50% spiritual and 50% physical. I’m not that physical. Instead, I’m more like a cleric (75% spiritual/magical and 25% physical or melee). I prefer to spend more time on God than with people or with this world. I still want to be with people and lead them gently to Christ, hence the 25% physical, but I feel more comfortable with God. I’m not as spiritual as a priest, or for non-faith terms, a mage, who is 100% spiritual/magical. As a cleric, I’m more behind-the-scenes support but I can still fight if I chose to. Ok, I’m talking in codes but if you like RPG games, you will know what I mean.  P.S. The clerics in the above picture should have less armor and smaller weapons and one hand holding the Bible  :)

Gosh, so many status updates. No wonder I chose to have a blog instead of writing tons of Facebook updates. Lol, just kidding. I started writing a journal since 7th grade because I want to be more in-tune with myself and because I feel it will hold some significance in the future.

I am also looking for ways to earn more money. It’s hard. I tried to find ways in the past but I always reached a roadblock. Oh you can fill out surveys. I tried that and more often than not, it’s a gimmick or completely not worth my time. I have spent half an hour just trying to qualify for a survey only to be rejected. Wow, how wonderful is that. I was forced to lie and even then, many times, the agency won’t reward you the survey credit. It’s a mess. Second, I can sell stuff. But I don’t have much stuff to sell. Well, I do have some, but I don’t know the procedures or how to sell them on eBay. I’m going to find out. Third, I can have my own vegetable garden or make stuff! But the problem is I’m renting my room and there’s not much stuff I can make. I could learn sewing but is it worth the time to make something that could be sold at Wal-Mart for $5? I am planning to have a little fruit orchard or a vegetable garden once I own a house. And I prefer to move to a place where there is plenty of annual rainfall. Then, I can also install a rainwater collection system. Ok, I’m getting off-topic. Bottom line is, there’s not a lot of ways to make money besides working. Oh and I could invest, but that’s for the long-term. I want money now.

Recently, in the past few days, I gained more of an insight in making money off-hand. I could sell my blood plasma. El Paso has a plasma center very close to where I live. I could get, if the prices are still current, about $30 per donation and I can donate twice a week. That’s $60 a week or, being optimistic, $240 a month. Pretty good deal. I do need to learn how to see stuff on eBay. The part I’m most confused in is when a customer places an order. What do I do next? Do I just get a box, write the customer’s mailing address, and ship it from a local post office? A church family gave me a box of Super Nintendo games and I’m thinking about selling them. I feel bad about selling those because it has sentimental value. I also could, ok don’t hate me, sell my sperm at a sperm bank. When it is time for me to masturbate, I will not use any of their supplementary materials because I don’t want to sin against God. However, the problem with that is I may not qualify. In general and to be stereotypical, I need to be White, six-feet tall, and a traceable family history going back to at least four generations. Well, I could give it a try, but I’m not optimistic.

I want to end my post about God. What I really need to do, and what I would ideally want to do if I have the discipline, is just to talk to God. That is the best use of my (and I daresay our) time. I do find that everything (good) comes from God. Being with God gives me peace, direction, purpose, and inspiration, and wisdom. If I can just spend time with God all the days of my life, then everything will be ok. It is the life to come that counts. One of the values I am focusing on, as I wrote earlier, is “high-minded.” I don’t want to waste my time or focus on things that are worthless, so, I spent my time on productive things. However, the things I switched to productively doesn’t really focus on God. I just shifted gear to how to make more money, interesting information that might be useful, and real-world life learning. The chief of high-minded is in the spirit. I should also be focusing more time on spiritual things. That is partly why I feel so disorganized and random. I need to seek God first and then everything else.

Ok, this is another one of my longest blog/discovery/journal pieces I have written in a while, at 2,085 words and counting. To end this blog, I want to share a song that gave me motivation. “They can try to deny what’s inside of me / But there is more, can’t ignore all the things unseen.” I know that it is God who helped me in my life and without Him, I would die. The secular world can call this “God” by other names, such as wishful thinking, positive thinking, stress-displacement, empowerment, inner-strength (strange cause I feel I got none), placebo effect, etc, but I know that it is God’s spiritual power that gave the strength and power to live life. Without God, I would had broken down when times are hard. Instead, I pray and I felt strength. It’s hard to explain it. I know God is real because I’ve experienced Him working in my life.



S: 10:18pm
E: 10:47pm

If I start out my discovery with “Dear Steven” then I will be writing to myself, the “yo” form. If I do that, it would be easier for me to write to myself. But, I can just write without the address and it will be in the “tú” form. I think I use the tú form when I write for most of my discoveries because I naturally believe that I’m writing for others and for myself if I just write. Of course, there is the usted form but if I use that form, then my discovery would be very boring.

I think from now on, I’m just going to write boring day-to-day things. Not all of my posts would be majestic hits. And, I believe, at the present, there is a positive correlation between the amount of journal entries I write and my relationship with God.

About a month ago, I thought about not writing anymore. Why? Because, as I posted on Faithbook, my church youth group, I feel that “everything that has been invented has already been invented.” All my feelings, thoughts, experiences are all there. Someone who reads all my blogs will pretty much know me. There is nothing new under the sun. But, maybe a part of my argument is not true. A person changes over time. I’m not the same person before the Army; I’m not the same person while I was at Kuwait.

I miss my Kuwait days. No, I don’t relish the work or the “missions” I have to go to, although it is a great learning experience. I relish my off-time with God. There is a half-mile track about five minutes from my barrack. I would use that as my prayer-time with God. I would bring my Sansa mp3 player and walk or jog around the track listening and singing with the Christian music. When I pray or talk to God, same thing, I would leave my headphones on and just talk to Him. If people see me, they would think I’m just singing whatever I was hearing. The sky would be dark and there typically isn’t a lot of soldiers around. I would walk around and around enjoying myself with Him. Sometimes, I would even take a walk around our barracks complex and talk to Him, but every time I pass a person, I would lower my prayer to a whisper.

Here in El Paso, I do not have this luxury. Well, I could go to Fort Bliss and walk around and sing but it’s harder and I don’t want to waste gas to drive all the way there. And if I walk around my street, I don’t feel safe. I prefer to do this at night. I am limited to just walking around the confines of my room. Hmm, maybe I can install a 3D-projector and pretend I’m in the jungle or something.

I do have a few stories I want to write about but it isn’t as much as I normally write in a month’s silence. I will begin writing them soon, hopefully tomorrow. If I wait too long, like in a dream, I may forget the details.


{written diary}

6-7-04   3:50pm

Before I take my afternoon nap, I would just write this discovery quickly.  Heh, I call this a discovery instead of a diary because you discover yourself when you write.  First off, I kept imagining and thinking of Julia [ln].  I daydream of her hugging me, kissing me, and just loving me.  When I’m running after-school, I picture her running with me.  I love her, I don’t know and can’t say “love her so much” because I know she won’t love me.  It’s already over.  I messed up.  She gave up on me.  I could only imagine and picture and dream of Julia: The Julia in school has died (love-wise), but the Julia in my heart is still alive.  (I don’t want to say “shall never die” because it is not true (most likely!))