A Shirt that bears Jesus’s Name

20 June 2016: A Shirt that bears Jesus’s Name

10:31pm – 10:48pm
It’s been a while since I wrote my blog. I need discipline, wisdom, understanding, and knowledge (from Proverbs). Everyday when I wake up, I always read a short passage in Psalms and Proverbs. One of my mistakes is not reading Proverbs regularly.

What I wanted to write is what I scheduled myself to write, on the 16th (or 15th?) of June, I wore a Nazarene shirt for the whole day. The shirt looked like this:

2016.6.20

The blog that I planned to write isn’t very shocking or cool but I just want to write my thoughts down.

Wearing that shirt or any Christian shirt for that matter takes a lot of responsibility. One of the reasons is because I am wearing something that represents Christ. It is very difficult. In order for me to wear these shirts, I have to pray and seek God and be close to Him. I have to purify myself. It feels like a sacrifice.

It is easier for me to wear a shirt that bears UTEP’s name than Jesus’s name (and I hardly wear any shirts that advocate something). I would rather wear a USA shirt than a Jesus shirt because it is so hard. I half expected myself to get hurt wearing that shirt. The only exception is wearing a North Korean shirt. I might get myself killed. Actually I’m not sure which is worse. I think the One that can destroy the soul is worse. Heh.

I remember when I bicycled home with that shirt, an Arab woman looked at my shirt and then at me. I smiled at her. The reason why I wore that shirt is to show my condolences to those killed in recent events (esp. those killed in Orlando) and to show solidarity with the Christians who are persecuted for their faith all around the world, especially in the Middle East and in countries with heavy Muslim populations.

I am trying to write more regularly, but it is hard due to my circumstances. I remember when Pastor Smith told us that times are going to get darker. They are right so I need to prepare (by seeking God, by serving Him, by loving Him, by following Him and asking for His forgiveness).

11/15/2012: An Angel without Wings

11/15/2012: An Angel without Wings

{S: 9:49pm}

I told my aunt that I am like an “angel without wings.”  My abilities are limited; there is only so much I can do.

Half of my family are not doing well.  They are under stress and one in particular is under extreme stress.  I told her maybe God sent me to help her back in Kuwait when I was still in the Army and right now when I called her.

I am evil sometimes.  Sometimes I just wish I can live in a closed bubble and not worry about everything else.  Heck, I have troubles of my own.  I just want to get my social work degree and work as a social worker helping people and not worry about family matters.  But that is wrong.  God gave me my family and I need to do my best to help it.

Nothing like problems to energenize me again.

I told myself I want to find a social worker girl to marry because they always say “do you have any problems?”  And as a social worker, I will say, “do you have any problems?”  We can help each other out.  We can talk about feelings.

Sometimes I feel I am the only one left.  I feel like I am the last base in a person’s life; that all their evil forces are attacking me.  But, thank God, I will still fight.

On my bed, I would visualize a map of a person’s life.  This territory will be his/hers, this piece of land belongs to that person’s particular friend, and, this little piece over there is my territory, my embassy in that person’s life.

For my territory, a big piece of it is God, but unfortunately, I am not utilizing it to the fullest extent.  Since I am, I would think, mostly a loner, my friends and my church actually comprise a small part of my life.  But I can still grow, I can still function, because I have God.  It baffles me, sometimes, that I’m a loner because I feel I’m kind, nice, and helpful to everyone.  I just don’t share the same wavelength as most people.

But, I do need a girlfriend.  Or maybe Jello, or Jelly (a cat).  Nah, I want a future wife.  I feel, if I really tried, I can be a lady’s man, but I chose not to because I don’t want to sin against God.  I will still love God and follow Him, but I will make a double effort to find a gf.  I’m going to, from now on, ask girls who have potential some tough questions.

People don’t know my past or what I have to go though.  I fight on a different front.  They only see the outside but God can make flowers grow in the desert.

Many times, I ask God for a girlfriend, to create, “out of these stones,” a girl for me.  He can.  I told him I’ll love and worship God even more if I have a soul mate.  But, the Bible says differently.  It says that if one is married, his “interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7:34).

I know God is a jealous God.  If possible, He wants me for Himself.  And I know that is not evil because as the Creator, He wants our affection; He wants our worship.  We are created to please God and the pleasures of life, including marriage and sex, are His gifts to us.

This Sunday, I attended the Chinese sermon.  Nowadays, I try to attend every other English and Chinese sermon because, not only can I learn Chinese, but I feel I belong to both of them.  I reach a balance.

For the Chinese sermon, my pastor talked about spiritual growth and how, to grow, each of us needs to peel our own onions.  Each of us has to overcome our own thorns and faults to become like Christ.  And overcoming them is not easy.  Like peeling an onion, there are many, many layers, and the more one peels, the more one cries.  But, as Christians, we still have to do them.  Each onion that we completely peel off will be replaced by a spiritual fruit.  If we ignore those onions, they will rot and rot our life.  After the sermon, during lunch, my pastor came to me and told me not to forget to peel my onions.  I told him, in Chinese, that I have “lots and lots of onions.”

{E: 10:27pm}

12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

1/27/2010

I finally got internet again. Praise God! I really don’t know who I’m writing these notes to. Many times, I would have so much things to write about and say but when it comes to an opportunity, like this, I suddenly grow afraid. If God knows everything, why am I writing this? I think writing this is a good way for me to be connected to God’s family, but…. I might just keep my privacy settings to “only me” so facebook would be for myself and I won’t be afraid.

I am reading “21 Reasons Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Dave Early (one of the books I brought at the PX). I am currently at reason number 8, but reading this book so inspires me and it touches my heart. Many of the reasons why bad things happen to good people pertains to me. I began to understand formally why suffering is such a good thing. Before, in basic and AIT, I suffered everyday harshly, yet, it was during those times when I was close to God. Now, I’m also suffering everyday. Yes, everyday is a life-threating day for me, yet, I have faith, and with faith, I am happy. I praise God that I can be happy, to smile, under harsh conditions. When my platoon had extra things to do, I wasn’t angry, many soldiers in my platoon are, but I wasn’t. I was at peace and content because I know God is watching over me. I know God knows and feels my pain. I am happy to know that I have an intercessor whom I can turn to. God knows pain because Jesus felt the ultimate pain by dying on the cross for our sins.

I must have more faith. Everyday is a day of faith. Everyday requires me to have faith. Faith to live my life to the fullest knowing that God is taking care of me. During my early days in this unit, the one fruit I kept focusing on is patience, is endurance. I had to learn to endure the harshness of life, to just trust in God. I believe now, it’s about faith. I must have faith that no matter what happens, God is in control.

Like today. Yesterday, our platoon did heavy work and most of us were tired and grumbling. I think they shouldn’t grumble. They are much stronger physically than me. When I start to grumble, it is for real. I feel ready to give up. I really feel pain, but I refuse to let others know. I’m afraid what might happen to me if I express my weaknesses. They may misjudge me. The only person that needs to know my pain and my weaknesses is God. Now today, our platoon had to help others out, since we got ours done early. I felt tired and stressed out. Many soldiers in my platoon were also grumbling too. I kept saying to God, “Lord, I love you and you are my God, but this is just too hard/much for me.” I cried and asked God to help me. I refuse and cannot blame God. It’s not his fault, it’s mine because I am just so weak. It was during that time when things became better. I was able to find time to rest in my room (legally because everyone else thinks I’m still at a meeting) and I was able to get internet again from a soldier in my platoon. Three weeks before deployment and he still chooses to order internet? I don’t understand, but, praise God. I was able to update ALL my 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams) Chinese children Christian song into youtube. Hey, I promised to post at least one song per day, but since I didn’t have internet, I was making Christian videos all the time. I still have a few select Land of Dream storybooks to upload. Wow, it is such a wonderful pleasure to be able to do God’s work. It is such a blessing. I feel so happy listening to the songs of my youth, but happier still, that I’m able to share them. I received an e-mail telling me that the particular series wasn’t available in Singapore. Praise God.

So please, if you can understand Chinese, visit carbon191’s channel (me) and listen to some Chinese Christian children songs. They are wonderful.

I am still very weak, but God is helping me everyday. I want to suffer now. Suffering is a good thing because it draws me closer to God. It develops my character. It makes me a more mature Christian. It allows me to grow. God is near the broken-hearted. Amen. By saying I want to suffer, that’s wrong. I don’t want to suffer, but if suffering allows me to be a better Christian, than so be it. As long as God is watching me, even though at times, it may not seem so, I want to say that I am willing to suffer.

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok 11 Nov 09

Ok, I have so many things to write about my life. Where should I start? Should I even start? Lol. I just called my mom in Taiwan about my heart of hearts and I’m glad I’m able to convey all my feelings and thoughts to her despite my fluent but limited Chinese. For one thing, it’s so hard to be perfect, to love and worship God, alone. I need a spiritual “battle buddy.” Sure, the Army provides me physically (food, water, shelter, etc) and my battle buddies in my barracks provide me physically but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. My dad also provides me physically, but that’s something I want to talk, I mean write, about later. I can’t be perfect with God alone. It’s too difficult. The Bible even says there is “none righteous, no, not one.” I need someone I can freely talk to, someone I can call, in case I get tempted, in case I get attacked by Satan. You can pretty much tell that I’m having trouble with God if I don’t update my facebook lol.

I don’t even know if I want to come back to Los Angeles during Christmas time anymore. I have nothing to look forward to over there. I don’t want to see my dad, and he has been calling me almost everyday. Of course I love my dad, but I hate the fact that he micromanages me to death. When I was 20, which is before I joined the Army, my dad has control over everything. I can’t drive my car, bike, go anywhere, or buy anything without consent from my dad. He even tries to control how much toilet paper I use. Many times, I would just lie and say I’m going to “study” just so I can get out. That, and other reasons why I am so deprived of the things of this world. I was afraid to even go shopping at age 20. I feel uncomfortable going by myself. I’m afraid to look up the yellow pages to call for services. The only thing I feel comfortable doing is staying in my room and playing third-world computer games. You know, free cheap games. I lack street smarts and so many of my skills are deprived and undeveloped. My dad provides me physically, but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Although he’s my dad, I look to him like my boss. It’s cold, unemotional, calculating. I can’t live like this. And of course, he’s the one who kicked me out the house and forced me to join the Army. That itself should be reason enough to ignore him. Now I know why my mom divorced lol.

The second thing is about my so called “friends” in church. I want to reconnect with them but they don’t want to talk to me. I send messages via facebook but they don’t respond. It’s like ever since I joined the Army, they don’t talk to me anymore. All they care about, I think, is about their college friends. Ooooo I’m in UCLA, ooooo I’m in UC Riverside, ooooo I’m in USC. Fuck you and your punk ass college. I’m pretty sure I’m more important than them since I’m going to spend eternity with you in heaven. But the thing I need most is a girlfriend. I want a girl who loves God and loves people. I want a girl whom we can pray everyday and sing everyday and worship God everyday. I can tell her all of my troubles and stresses. Then, then life will be bearable for me. Then, everyday will be like heaven lol. But, sigh, I’m just not good enough. To be truthful, I’m in love with a girl on Facebook. No, please don’t guess who, and if you do, I’m just going to lie. But of course, she’s in college. She’s 10x smarter than me, she has probably 10x more friends. Actually, make that 20 or 30x or more since I hardly have any lol. So fuck it, I won’t be able to find anyone. The Bible says a “virtuous wife, who can find?” Only Jesus can find one for me. Sigh, so depressing. This leads to another point.

Many times, actually almost all the time, I feel that the only friend I have is Jesus. Of course it’s wonderful to have Jesus, but I want a fully human friend. Someone I can talk to about anything, a “spiritual battle buddy.” I can’t fight against my flesh, the world, or Satan alone. I still try, but now, I do so more tactically.

You might see me on Facebook and see how emotional and open I am, but I am totally different in real life. I can’t trust people, and it’s painful. I act like a general lol. I’m cold, tactful, calculating, unemotional, meaner, and results-(or mission) oriented. This “don’t mess with me” type. And I’m also able to back myself up with threats. It’s fine. I would so much rather go to heaven now than later. Or if I don’t go to heaven, oh well. God’s the judge. This world is hell to me already.

I need to go to sleep soon, or tomorrow will be hell. To make this short, I’m coming back on my own terms. I already reserved a rental car, and got my planned ilternary. I will be living in a hotel from 25 Dec to 4 Jan. I will still, of course, stop by my dad’s house and show up to church. Maybe I should wear my ACU’s and make a noisy entrance. I was even joking about being in full battle rattle with my M16A2. Hooah! I will eat at Vietnamese restaurants, eating those yummy deserts. But, I will spend almost everyday hiking at the mountains. I love to sing and hike and be with nature. I want to go on higher ground. I may also revisit my past: Taking walks down my middle school (Thomas Jefferson), skating at Washington School (elementary school), go ice skating at the Pasadena rink, maybe go to Cloverly School and take a look, revisit SINWA education center, although most of my students are probably gone, and go to the beach. I can finally be free; I can finally have freedom. What I don’t want to do is playing computer games in my hotel room. Yes, I’m back to playing games again, but it’s high-class games now.

One of the things my dad kept telling me is to save money. Of course I’m saving money, I’m trying to save every penny I get. I would deprive myself of sport drinks or monsters and just drink water or MRE drink mixes. I always eat at the DFAC, and I go outside to eat only when forced. Like that platoon Hooters event. Ugh! My battle buddies know me; they know I love Jesus and all, so I can’t opt out. My only expenses are for charities, necessities (like blankets, toothpaste, and yes, internet), and a little on computer games. I’m currently sponsoring a child and a family from World Vision. I love helping people. I want to use my treasures on earth for something more permanent. I’m afraid though. When I want to help people, I always get the feeling that people just don’t trust me, no matter what my intent is. I feel like I’m releasing this aura of fear on people. Sigh. It seems like the only things people want from me is my money. Then money it is! I’m also letting my fellow soldiers borrow. A lot of them are getting broke due to poor financial management. Damn! Stop buying cigarettes and alcohol! And stop “celebrating” everytime you get a paycheck. That’s right. Many of my soldiers live paycheck-by-pay check. I could live for couple years in the Army and still have money to spare, damn! And with regards to money, I follow the principles of the Bible. I don’t ask for the money back. To me, money is just a sad necessity in this world. I want to use my money just to help people. I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. Then, everybody will help each other and the Law will be on everyone’s hearts. I don’t worship money, unlike my dad, I worship God.

I also look to my past a lot now. I remember what Shi-Min Lu, my former Junior High Sunday School teacher said:”Young people like you.. always look to the future, but people like me, we look to our past.” I asked her why not just look to the future, like we do? But she told me that people her age really has nothing to look forward to. For me, everyday has its own challenges, it’s unpredictable, but I look to my past, because it brings me comfort. I think of all the memories when I loved life, when it’s exciting, when It’s fun. I’m a dreamer, and I talk to myself all the time. Jesus is my best friend, and I am the second best friend. It’s fun and exciting to talk to yourself, if you know how. I think of solutions and ideas and brainstorm so much better if I talk to myself. I would talk about my past, sing, whatever. Be your own best friend.

I think looking to my past is why I loved 睡夢鄉 (Land of Dreams). I loved the stories, I loved the songs. I would sing them almost everyday. It’s a miracle for me to enjoy what I enjoyed so much in the past.
Ok! So I’m coming back on December 25, 2009 and leaving on January 4th 2010. I will act like Neo with his sunglasses on, so don’t expect me to behave to warmly.

10/2/2009: My Story as a Soldier / The Weakest Link

10/2/2009

The Weakest Link

I injured my left thumb last week during basketball PT so I shouldn’t be typing. Now, a week later, my thumb is still swollen with bruises. I went to the TMC (troop medical center) and got my hand X-rayed. The doctor told me I had no broken bones and that my thumb should heal within a few weeks. Praise God, because God delivers the righteous, not one of my bones will be broken (Ps).

As I sat in the van, I thanked my relay sergeant for giving me a ride to the aid station. Once there, I will get my thumb double-checked. He told me no problem, because I am one of the best soldiers in the platoon. He told me I always volunteer for details and always help out. I got a brigade coin a few months ago because my whole battery nominated me. That was scary. And today, the sergeant major of the battalion talked to me and told me I must be saving lots of money, since I hardly go out. I also shook hands with him. That was also scary. Normally, when you do talk to him, it is because you are in trouble. Everyone in the battalion fears him. This whole “best soldier” thing is scaring me. I’m never the best; I’m always the weakest, not because I want to be, but because I am.

During basic training, I was so physically weak that I almost got kicked out. The six hours of sleep allotted is enough for everyone but me. I was tired all the time that I cannot think. I was forced and bent under peer pressure to say and do things I don’t want to do. Any spare time I have is divided between reading the Bible, singing songs, and trying to close my eyes. I had trouble listening and remembering what my drill sergeants are saying, and thus, I had to have a “babysitter” to be with me at all times. Praise God, because he was very helpful and kind. Having no experience in mechanical things (my dad even fixes my bike tires for me), I was slow to learn almost everything in the Army. There is hardly any book learning, everything is hands-on. I had difficulty communicating, thanks to a combination of shuddering, nervousness, and fatigue, learning, and performing Army standards. I almost always fall out of platoon runs, first to tire on upper-body exercises, and I usually forget even how to do exercises. I got constipated, fever, and injured my feet. The only thing I wanted during BCT was rest, but I hardly got any. I had to resort to something similar to psychological warfare. I had to pretend I’m as stupid as I’m weak so I could be treated better. I had to endure verbal taunting daily and I only have one or two soldiers I can call friends. It sucks. I see other soldiers, other people, and they are all so strong and blessed. 4 hours of sleep doesn’t faze them; they still laugh and joke all day long (see Ps. 73). However, despite all this, I refuse to quit, because doing so would be so shameful, and I also refuse to let this torture training harden by life. I managed to pass my PT test during basic, barely, but to me, that was a big praise God and I graduated with an award as the most improved soldier. I hardly feel improved, I just relied on God. If I were to go through BCT again, I would probably be the same. Everyone in basic knew I was the weakest link, second only to the battalion.

AIT (advanced individual training) was a easier on the physical side, but it’s still almost the same environment. Although we do get a little more sleep, I still feel tired. I couldn’t pay attention in class (we are learning patriot stuff) and I struggled to stay awake. The one time I chose to sleep, I woke up with a sergeant (add a drill before it too) up my face. I never slept since. But praise God, I still managed to pass my tests. I hardly volunteer in BCT or AIT simply because I am so weak and tired. I want to, but I can’t. I ran on “low-power” mode the whole time. There are times when I wished I could just die, yes, die. There are times when I just wanted to fall out of formation and just lie down and cry. Pray and cry. Everyone would probably surround and scream at me, but I will just ignore them. I would just pray and pray. Then they would probably punch me and hit my pressure points, but I will still ignore them and pray. Towards the end of AIT, my class went to the field. Some fun in the sun, right? Nope. Although I almost finished my training, I felt I hardly learned a thing. If I was told to emplace or operate any equipment (except computers, even patriot computers, simply because I love computers), I would have no clue. My whole time in the field was a struggle. Even when it’s time to rest, there are always surprise attacks which forces us to grab our rifles, and wearing combat gear (I always sleep in them), rush outside to the nearest sandbag. There was a time when we got smoked (punished) doing this because we aren’t “motivated” enough. I still don’t understand this motivation concept. I would prefer to tell the truth and trust in God. I hate to pretend to be all sappy and gung-ho just so others can see, while I feel the opposite inside. For our smoking, we had to run from our tent to the sandbags over and over again. For some reason, I was again the weakest link. I was trying to do my best, but everyone, even the fatter ones (sorry), run faster than me. I don’t understand this. It seems like everyone is better and stronger than me. They learn faster, and are quicker than me. I feel so stupid, dull, and weak. Completely useless. Again, I had to pretend I’m about to fall out, so they could let me drink water, while everyone else is still getting smoked. Justice is simply not fair in AIT. You could get blown up for just a little thing. My squad leader told our class to mop and wax our rooms. To me, it isn’t easy. Even getting the equipment to wax the floors is hard. I tried, I did the best I could, but due to my fatigue, and my roommate is getting chaptered out, so he can’t help me, I didn’t make the deadline. Then there was a time when I was playing my guitar singing Christian songs right before weapons draw. I just had to pray, I had to sing praises to God, I have to have some devotion time with him before I continue my job. I thought I was on time, but because I didn’t come early like everyone else (they were all looking for me), I got hammered. At first, I thought I might receive some mercy from the sergeant doing the weapons draw, since he was a deacon so I thought he would understand my needs and grant me mercy. Instead, he was merciless and made me write a thousand word essay. That wasn’t too bad, since in basic, I had to do a three-thousand one, but add that to my squad leader’s demands to wax the floors, and I’m done. Then, the one day I forgot to bring my ID card (forgot due to shower), our battery had a urinalysis. Everyone is required to bring one, so I got in trouble again. These three strikes led my squad leader to give me an Article 15 (the mother of all punishments), on top of all the punishments I am getting. Oh, and by the way, my weekends suck too. Since I wasn’t strong enough (it’s sad that the military looks at the legs of a horse rather than at the heart), I was only given an Amber 1800 pass, which means I only have a few hours of free time rather than a whole days worth. Wow, so article 15 for three incidents. I was scared and depressed. I missed her last deadline to wax the floors because I was having diarrhea, but I can’t really use that as a reason. Everything I say will be taken as an “excuse.” Shortly after that, I had a fever. I am condemned, because all these charges on paper are true. But you know what? I still managed to graduate with my class, and I heard later that my article 15 was canceled. I was just about to do something desperate if that wasn’t taken off. Having an article 15 means either having extra duty, which means even more work and less sleep, or they take away my pay, or both. I would rather have them take away my pay; money means nothing to me at that stage. Praise God, that I called to him, and he answered me. He is surely my mediator.

It was not until when I got to my unit that I finally learned to be longsuffering, to endure, to be patient. Before I learned this, I tend to respond much more rashly and without much wisdom. Now, I finally learned to endure pain, suffering, and shame. Of course my capacity is still limited, but God always finds a way for me. It seems when I was just about to do something desperate, things change. Even the times when I get angry at life and God, when I choose to sin, he still loves me and still protects me. Of course, I am still weak. Weak physically and mentally (I’m a slow learner), but with God, I can survive.

I apologize for any English mistakes in my writing, since I wrote all this in about an hour. And I wrote this at night, since I am best at night. I wrote many notes on facebook that I deleted, and some talked about my experiences during BCT and the Army. I’m still thinking about re-posting it, or re-deleting it, since it’s so embarrassing. But I’m writing this so others can know more about me, if they want to know, that is, and also because the truth will set me free.

I also know that there are people who will embarrass or reject me. That is the reason why Facebook was so discouraging to me, then again, I don’t feel like talking to my old friends, so why should they? Be prepared, I am not going on facebook for another few weeks due to this note.

I also talked to my education counselor recently. I hope I can get in Mid-America Christian University with a major in Christian Ministries and also one in math. I was so happy to find a university that offers both Bible studies and math and a university that is part of the military agreement. I failed college once, but now, I am getting another chance. This time, I am not under law (admission requirements, GPA, etc), but under grace (simply being in the Army).

PS: I wrote this a long time ago and I feel it’s missing a few parts. When I have the time, I will go back and revise it. God bless you!