11/4/2016, 11/6/2016

11/4/2016

9:30pm –

Opening (Songs: All I ask- Meredith Andrews, Constant- Holly Starr:

God, today is another close call. But, I want to worship You today, to show You that I love You more than satisfying my desires. Even if my desires are debatable and not wrong, God, I still want to seek You. You know, when I don’t know what to do, I will worship and seek You. God, I love You more. I know I made mistakes; I know I messed up, everday, but, You.

Lord, only You can give me what I want. If I want any of these things, God, the best way is simply to seek and to ask You, just like Solomon. I don’t need to play games, I don’t need to pressure myself. You are my constant.

Even if my desires are not wrong, I still want to seek You because I love You.

 

11/6/2016: My Date with God

10:37pm – 11:04pm

[Note: Not every day or everything will be transcribed because transcribing may distract me from seeking God.]

Father, [my times are short] so I better make this count. If I have to transcribe, O God, then I will write this: Help me to know that You are God. Release the scales from my eyes. Surely, what You have done, about life, there is a God, and it is a God who loves life.

 

 

 

 

3/31/2013: Innovations and Connecting with People

3/31/2013: Innovations and Connecting with People

S: 8:59pm
E: 10:39pm

I’m on short time because I’m trying to restart a military-like regimen to improve myself. These past days, I have been trying to find ways to seek God and to improve myself more. I know I can only improve myself through God.

O Happy Day! O Happy Day!
When Jesus washed my sins away.
He taught me how to watch and pray….

I feel sometimes like I’m controlled; it’s like I have no control over myself. So, one of my innovations is to set time daily just so I can “watch and pray” (Matthew 26:41). However, I cannot do this reliably on my own because of human nature. I may forget, don’t feel like it, etc. Thus, I found a way to configure my alarm clock app in my cellphone to always remind myself every hour. When I feel my phone vibrating, I will stop what I’m doing and reassess myself which is “watch and pray.”

For this short time, I feel depressed. I feel like a failure. Not at everything but specifically in my church. I want to connect with people younger than me but I just can’t. Their interests and mine are almost totally different. I could care less about TV shows, computer games (even though I still play them but the games I play are foreign to the games they talk about), or sports. Even airsoft or paintball is towards the back of my list. Yeah, it’s good to learn defensive tactics but I’ll explain in a future blog why this isn’t such a big deal and also one of my moral dilemmas. What I want to talk with them about, which are my interests, is about the long-term. I want to talk to them about God, about preparing for college, teaching them life skills (such as typing), or, at the least, engaging in wholesome activities like eating. In fact, eating is the only thing I can think of that we are in common with; after all, we all need to eat. I feel so frustrated with my progress with the youth that I just want to give up. I don’t want to talk to them anymore; I don’t want to try anymore. And along my youth group, I sometimes want to just leave my church. I can’t relate with people; I can’t connect with them even if I try. And I’m trying to think up activities we can do with my time constraints. I need as much time as I can to learn Spanish. Tengo gana que muy dificil. Ok, I suck, I know. I want to talk to the youth about making money, about stocks, about learning how to drive, about planning. Unfortunately, I have more of a chance talking to the older adults about these things than with the youngins.

Another thing is trust. How can I build trust with them? I have been with my youth group for, at least to me, a long time now. I’ve been with them in activities and eagerly helped some of them. I tried, really, to connect with them. How can I build up trust? An answer is by doing things with them. But, that is hard because we hardly have any interests in common, except eating and sleeping, that is. I can’t just write on Facebook “Hey, let’s eat out every day.” I’m not that rich. Or, “Let’s all sleep together.” Maybe when we are younger but now, that’s just crazy. And, they never invited me to any of their events probably because they know I probably won’t be interested in it.

So today, I am in a sullen mood and I tried to refrain from interacting even though the Las Cruces church came. They have a college group but the problem is the distance. I think I would be much happier if I joined them. Here in El Paso, only two of us go to UTEP and there is no desire to form a college fellowship.

I sat at the corner of the youth table, opened my pocket Bible out to Psalms, and ate quietly. After a while, Claire moved and sat across from me. I guess it’s easy for people to tell my feelings.

She asked me, “Steven, why are you sad?”

I was thinking about answering but I couldn’t yet because my mouth was full. She saw the silence and said, “Fine, I get it. You don’t want to tell me” (along those lines). That is not true, I want to tell her but I couldn’t because my mouth is full. I finished and told her some of my feelings. I told her I gave up trying (talking and interacting with the youth) because I feel I’m not going anywhere (and sometime I feel they hate me for it, too). However, one thing I do know is that my times are in God’s hands. I know that God is good and I remembered, in my Army days, that I would do the same thing when I’m sad and God will always come through.

Clare asked me, “Steven do you drink with the soldiers?”

My viewpoint changed as I continue to live on earth. I told her in the past, I would abhorrently refuse, but now, I told her we need to live on wisdom that comes from God. If I can turn back time, I would go with the soldiers not because I enjoy “being drunk” as Clare put it, but so I can build up relationship with my soldiers so I might also influence them spiritually.

I told her before I realized that I need wisdom from God, I would always argue with soldiers about religion and about God. I may say “No, you are wrong,” and I will say things bluntly with no regard to other factors. Now, I realized my blind zeal may have pushed those soldiers further away from God. It’s achieving the opposite effect. I became like Mr. Goodly-shoes.

She asked me, “Steven, should I always witness to people? Because I’m afraid.”

I told her that she, like me, needs to use wisdom that comes from God to decide what to do. Sometimes if we witness the wrong way or at the wrong time and place, it cannot affect anyone and may actually make people more hostile and hardened to God. Sometimes, the best answer is to pray for them. Actually, prayer is almost always the best answer.

I also feel Claire doesn’t really fit in with her youth group. She is less interested in the things the other youths talk about and much more interested in God. She is much more willing to tell the truth and be blunt about it. I love her for it. Almost every Sunday when I see her, she would ask me a spiritual question. One time she asked me about evolution and how her teacher “talked about dinosaurs,” etc, and how it is not mentioned in the Bible. I told her many analysts see a gap between Genesis 1:1 and 1:2. They say there may have been a war between Satan and God and that Satan warped God’s previous creation. I also point out that the six days God made is like the evolutionary pathway taught in her textbook. Those six days might be six days to God, but to us, it could be millions of years. The Bible actually did mention a dinosaur, the Leviathan, in the book of Job. I told her that some questions may not be answered until Jesus comes back. Another time, she asked me about the Muslim religion and I did my best to give an accurate answer. I’m not going to cover it because I’m already on borrowed time and that is not the scope of my blog (although I may write it in a future blog).

Two weeks ago, I shared with her The Way of The Master Bible evangelism course designed to make its students bold Christians and to prepare them for street witnessing. My intention is merely to open her mind and to educate her more about God. But guess what she did? She actually tried to witness to her classmates! The week after I showed her that, she complained to me on the immediate Sunday about how she is making people hate her and that she will not be popular. I’m shocked! I’m taken aback by her courage and willingness to share the gospel. She is actually a more Christian soldier than me! I told her that she needs to take the time to learn more about God and the material before she should witness. Of course, if God tells her to just go, then the order is to just go.

But I know people like Claire is a rarity in this world and that most young people are much more interested in material things. When I was 18 or so, yes I tried to follow God but, ok, I might be a bad example. Even back then, I didn’t watch TV and merely spent all my time in front of a computer playing games. Maybe that is one factor why I suck at life (according to many people).

This reminds me of a thought I want to write. If it is so hard for even a youth in a Christian family who goes to church regularly to be saved and baptized, how much harder is it for an unbeliever to seek God? Those who seek God in their own accord are truly to be admired. If those church kids were to be in an opposite situation which is that they are not brought up in a Christian family, they would be deep in the world much less even go to a church once. No one would seek God. But God uses his spirit and conscience to tell men that there is a higher calling, a higher ground, and that we all have the free will to choose Him or not.

If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?
1 Peter 4:18

I was also intending to write about my church’s Easter event for the kids on Saturday, but, many times, I remember something and want to write this or that and, in the end, I don’t have time to write my original intentions. Perhaps I’ll write it tomorrow, but I need to write it soon because memory fades and the longer I wait, the more likely that I may have, as I learned in my Psychology class, false memories.

4/22/2011: At Heaven’s Gate – My guest pastor’s sermon

4/22/2011: At Heaven’s Gate – My guest pastor’s sermon

S: 10:23pm

E: 11:16pm

I’ve just decided to write a discovery because while reading the news on Yahoo!, I read a lot of hateful comments.

Last Sunday, we had a guest pastor for our church. He is Chinese who can also speak Spanish :) . He titled his sermon “At Heaven’s Gate”.

In Spanish, El Paso literally means “the pass,” but is more accurately translated as “gate of entrance.” It is worthy of that name because the city of El Paso is a major transit point between Mexico and the United States.  A gate, as everyone knows, is not an easy place to get into. Only those who are authorized can enter.

Many Mexicans, when they look across the border into the United States, what do they think? In Mexico, living standards are poor, but in the US, it is much better. Some of them have a longing to enter in the US, but what if they legally can’t? What do they do? Some in the congregation said “dig a hole.” Yes, those seekers may choose to dig a hole to enter into the United States, but digging a hole is hard work and can take many years. Many may start digging, but as the hard labor and time goes on, many quit. They resign and decided that they could endure living in Mexico, but a few still chooses to not give up. The hole took many years of hard labor, but in the end, those men were able to enter into the US.

When you look at heaven, do you have a longing to go there? If you do, it is because Jesus is knocking on the door of your heart. Many people may disagree here. They may say going to church is a waste of time but that is because “they are fascinated by the rainbow lights of the world but they don’t see the true light” (John 1:9). The Bible says Jesus is the gate (John 10:9). In order to reach heaven, you must have longing to get there. We must have a desire to make time for God and to obey His Word no matter what the cost because if you have no time for God, you will be very susceptible to the world. Like the diggers who dug a hole in order to reach the US, we must have the same longing and desire to get to heaven and, if you are faithful to the end, you will get there.

The pastor gave our congregation some pointers on how to get there. First, we must love because God is love. We need to share love to other people. We need to believe with our hearts and confess with our mouths (Romans 10:9) that Jesus is Lord. We need to have time daily for God because without it, we would be very susceptible to the pleasures of this world. We must have a longing heart to invite people to church. Even if they say bad things about you, you must have a willing heart to the Lord. We must continue to dig our tunnel.

He ended by telling us not to worry if you lack strength. Just follow God and do things with love. All our effort will not be in vain. Just follow and walk with God. One day the gate will close but no one knows except the Father.

I took notes during his sermon and that is my effort in retelling what he taught us. He mentioned that a “Christian life is love because God is love.” While reading those comments on Yahoo! I feel that the end of the world is near because the Bible says towards the end, the “love of most will grow cold” (Matthew 24:12). Why do I feel that the love of most is growing cold? Because people are becoming more selfish; they are worrying more about themselves and disregarding others.

The right answer would be to love others regardless of circumstances because God loves us no matter what we do. Even if we have nothing, even when hardships come, we must still love because God is love (1 John 4:8).

4/16/2011: Spiritual Gifts

4/16/2011: Spiritual Gifts

S: 12:00pm

E: 12:13pm

Yesterday night, I was reading “The Gifts and Ministries of the Holy Spirit” by Lester Sumrall because my tuff-box from Kuwait has arrived! While skimming and reading the entire book, I grew afraid that I may not have any spiritual gifts and that even if we do have these gifts, we obviously should not brag about it. These spiritual gifts are mostly to be a blessing to others, also to the receiver, but mostly for others. They are gifts given by God’s Holy Spirit to every believer to build up the Kingdom of God on earth.

Towards the end of my reading, the author quoted 1 Corinthians 12:31:

Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? But eagerly desire the greater gifts. And now I will show you the most excellent way (1 Corinthians 12:30).

The author told me to pray and seek God for these spiritual gifts. Encouraged, I went to that verse and began to read. The latter part of the verse says “and now I will show you the most excellent way”. What way? How? Then it all came to me like a boom. The best way to receive spiritual gifts is to love. We are to love God and one another and, by asking God, He will give us spiritual gifts. Without love, all the spiritual gifts are nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

Praise God, now I know the most excellent way. :)

1/27/2011: Mixed Result / Read this before you play games

1/27/2011: Mixed Result / Read this before you play games

S: 6:19pm
E: 6:45pm

I really want to write a discovery today because I feel I really need an update. Today, praise God, our section had the day off! I was so happy. Finally I can have some time to relax, recharge, and do what’s important. I laid plans for today. I am to prepare my tuff box, which has souvenirs along with extra stuff I’m taking back from Kuwait, buy a few more exotic gifts from Kuwait, return my bicycle to MWR, organize my computer (instead of organizing my room, now I need to organize my files! Talking about being in a digital world..), worship God, and importantly, work on my college.

Yes, I’m in college now! Take three! I’m so blessed that God is giving me a second chance for college. I failed back in PCC (Pasadena City College) because I chose to satisfy my desires and I also failed my English Composition class at MACU (Mid-America Christian University) for the same reason. I can blame my busy schedule, or work, or peers, but in the end, it is me, it is my sinful gaming habits that’s stopping me. I am currently on track for a major in Christian Ministries and I only have a few more general education courses to go before I start my major. I better not fail this time. As Winston Churchill said, “without victory, there is no survival.” I need to try as hard as Great Britain tried to survive during World War 2.

So, what did I accomplish today? It is disappointing. I spent hours after PT and after lunch playing games. I did return my bicycle, organized my tuff box and brought a lock for it. I also read a few blogs. Reading about other people’s experiences and life and their struggle with God really cheered me up. I tried to work on my college but accomplished very little, as I was distracted by games. I set a deadline for my work on Saturday midnight. I don’t care if my work lacks quality because of my laziness, I will still turn it in. I will not repeat the mistake last time of giving up and not trying at all.

I can’t write very well now. I spent my strength not on women, but on games, but still, I must not give up.

Proverbs 31:2O my son, O son of my womb, O son of my vows,

3 do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.”

So Steven, I want to tell you that before you start playing computer games again, know that if your intent is to satisfy your desires, you will lose in the end. With God, you can always win these games; He can play the God Card. You must seek the Lord; you must seek “His kingdom and His righteousness.” The Lord will satisfy you. The joy of the Lord will be your strength.

Another reason why I was so slow in my college is because I’m just afraid! I’m afraid of being judged. I don’t feel I’m ready to write to people yet. I need to get rid of that fear and give it to God. As long as I trust in God, I should not be afraid.

As I was eating dinner in the DFAC today, a song suddenly came to my mind that is completely relevant to my situation. I need to give my all to Jesus. I need to make sure all my body parts give glory to God. I need to have less of me and more of Him. I need Jesus to live inside me completely. Praise God that I thought of this song and that is the reason why I decided to write today’s discovery.

 

小小雙手爲主做工


小小雙手爲主做工,小小雙腳走天路,

小小耳朵愛聼主話,小小嘴唇讚美主!

 

(副歌)

都為耶穌,都為耶穌,因主為我受痛苦!!

都為耶穌,都為耶穌,我願忠誠全爲主!!

 

小小眼睛愛看聖經,小小雙膝敬拜主,

小小頭腦學習主話,小小心靈信靠主!

 

follow Jesus

This song should be my anthem :) I need to follow God, follow God, even when it hurts.

12/21/2010: OkGod

12/21/2010: OkGod

S: 7:04pm

E: 7:42pm

I haven’t been going on Facebook again for a while now because “the wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion” (Proverbs 28:1). These past days, I was doing wicked things. I say “wicked” because I try to satisfy my desire instead of God’s. I wrote on my last discovery that it is the unseen battle, the battle between good and evil that counts. I try to focus on God, on what really matters, but I failed many times. Without God, without Jesus Inside, I am afraid of Facebook, I fear Facebook.

I have been going on OkCupid for awhile now and I would like to share with you some of my experiences. I wrote my profile as truthfully as possible and answered most “match” questions with an explanation. I added three recent pictures and a picture when I was a child. I believe everyone should at least, if they share pictures, share at least a child picture because Jesus loves children and they are close to the kingdom of God. I did a few match searches around my area and made it more specific (add Asian and speak Chinese only). The very few girls I messaged to never replied back although I could see they visited my profile. Another one of my hidden motives is I wish by writing my personal profile, I can show people an example of a godly profile. An example of truth, an example of honesty, an example of what a personal profile should be.

I decided that I should just talk to girls so I changed my location from within 25 miles of San Gabriel to “anywhere.” I scroll down using “match percentage” and then I found her. I read her profile and she seems to love God so much. She wrote she just came back from a missions trip in South-East Asia. Wow. I want to give it a try. So, with courage that comes from God, I wrote this message:

hello

Dec. 16, 2010 – 4:40pm

Hello! I would like to get to know you more because you seem like a person who loves God.

I don’t really know what to write but I will do my best. Life is all about doing your best and letting God do the rest. I recently started making an account on OkCupid because I.. really want a girlfriend and I can’t really wait. I think the right answer is to live in the spirit and do it when He tells me to. Well, if I’m single for God than great! but, unfortunately, I don’t have that gift. I tried before, but it’s causing me to sin.

I joined the military because I failed in life. Yes, that is true. I failed my college and I failed God. I was enslaved to computer games and pornography. Many times, I would cry, pray, and ask God for forgiveness, but I would just sin again. It was an awful, vicious cycle. One day, my dad (I guess he found out the truth) got really really angry at me and threatened to kick me out. I was really naive back then, and I hardly knew the world (happens when somebody locks themselves in their rooms and play games all day) so I got really scared. I was also working as a tutor teaching kids back then, but the income I get is not enough for me to live on my own. So I told him the only answer that will satisfy him. I told him I will join the Army. The very next day, I went to the recruiting office and here I am!

It is in the Army, and especially doing basic training, that I got really close to God. I wrote that besides training, I will only do four things: Pray, sing, read the Bible (esp. Psalms), and trying to sleep without getting caught. I would never have made it through basic training or army life in general with His help and it is only through God that I’m still alive.

Since you also speak Chinese, do you also listen to Chinese Christian music? Even since I joined the Army, I loved listening to Stream of Praise (讚美之泉) and Heavenly Melody (天韻). I remember my mom used to play these songs as an alarm clock when I was little. I can suggest some songs if you want.

Well, sorry for my long message, but have a good day and may God bless you!

 

Steven

7% Enemy 91% Friend 91% Match Sent to —————–

 

Yes, I wrote that. I chose to be myself. I chose to share my story. I know that ultimately, God is in control. With trepidation and excitement, I checked my inbox the next afternoon and I got a message! She wrote:

[none]

Dec. 17, 2010 – 10:46am

Hello. hm. i don’t think i’m the right person for you especially if you are looking for a girlfriend. i appreciate your honesty and i also appreciate your testimony. you might want to read the book “how to find a date worth keeping” by townsend and cloud. it’s a christian book on dating. it’s a process and wont’ happen overnight. don’t be discouraged. good luck

Partly because I don’t have much experience with people or rejection, I was shocked. I closed her message and began thinking in my mind. My pulse is starting to speed. Part of me praised the Lord for giving me the courage and strength to write this but another part of me is in pain because of the rejection. I wanted to cry, so I did, a few tears came out. I prayed, wishing I can write something back. After I gathered myself (which I think, took 30 minutes), I wrote back, trying to rely on God:

Dec. 17, 2010 – 4:22pm

Thank you for telling me the truth. I guess I’m just not good with girls. It’s hard for me to handle rejection (I want to cry), but I know that I must endure and trust in God. I will still do my best, be myself, and try to find another girl. Life is about trying and not giving up. I try all the time, I fail many times, but the most important thing is not giving up. It’s just like I try my best to follow God. I still fail, but any failure I make I ask God for forgiveness and repent, and He sees my heart.

I will take a look on that book, maybe it can help me. Thank you for your encouragement and may God be with you in your life.

I began with “thank you for telling me the truth.” I’m so happy that she actually wrote back and although it was a rejection, she decided to help me. She wrote back:

Dec. 18, 2010 – 12:58am

yeah i HIGHLY recommend the book. and also don’t tell the girl u want a gf when u first meet her. just ask her how she is doing.

dude. failure isn’t something wrong either. we all fail. if u are feeling guilty that isn’t from God- that’s from satan. God brings conviction and life. if this is causing you death. think again. u should also read hm..

bondage breaker- neil anderson about spiritual warfare b/c it seems like u are experiencing it and a lot of it. it’ll teach you how to pu on the armor of God

plug into a good church community and b honest about where you are at

Although she sounded mean (I guess in this world, good girls have to be tough to survive. Sad fact…), I was thankful. She wrote that she thinks I’m under spiritual warfare and I felt she was right. Evil spirits, Satan, can magnify our desires and I felt that is what they are doing. All this time into OkCupid, I knew what I was doing wasn’t exactly right. I need to satisfy God not my desire. I need to trust in the unseen, not the seen. I wrote back, and trying not to sound desperate (thanks to some help from my soldiers but I would very much rather be truthful):

I find that I”m fretting a lot on what to write and say. Jesus tells me not to worry about what to wear, or eat, and I remember Paul telling me not to worry about what to say. As long as I have a pure heart and follow God, I will be alright. Yes, you’re right. It’s the unseen world that counts. I am currently reading “The Invisible War” by Chip Ingram and he also tells of the unseen world, of spiritual warfare and the battle between good and evil. He also says to put on the full armor of God and that is what I need to do.

I always want to tell the truth, even from the start, because our God is the god of truth. I believe these dating books and how to act are but rules made by men. The best way is the heavenly way. But, I understand that we live in an evil world and to say certain things, even if it’s the truth, will not be profitable. This is one reason why I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. When He comes back, the government will be on his shoulders and there will be the law of love. I will still do my best to live in the spirit and be the person God wants me to be. I will also take a look at both books you recommended. I do feel I am under spiritual warfare. I think evil thoughts and I’m struggling against the desires of my flesh. I cannot satisfy myself; I need to satisfy God.

Thank you for your encouragement and may God bless you. Good bye!

While reading Chip Ingram’s “The Invisible War,” he told me to focus on God and He will take care of the rest.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

How I forgot that passage! After reading in context, I realized that God will take care of everything, I just have to trust in Him! My reasoning to go on OkCupid is to find a girlfriend so I won’t sin against God, but what is causing me to sin? It is my desires and the evil spirits is magnifying that desire because I allow it to. I realized my mistake. It’s not about what I want; it’s about what God wants. If I put on the Armor of God, I can and will overcome my desires. So right now, I am focusing back on God and not on girl (Jesus said I cannot love both God and another [Mathew 6:24]). He will provide and take care of my needs, I just have to seek Him first. I need to find God before girl. It is God who provides everything for me.

I may still log back on OkCupid (beacsue I’m weak) but now I know to seek His kingdom and His righteousness. It’s God who provides everything for me. This is embarrassing that I fell so low but praise God that He still loves me and teaches me. I make mistakes but the Lord rebukes those He loves (Rev. 3:19).

12/9/2010: Love people. God judges.

12/9/2010: Love people. God judges.

S: 8:45am

E: 9:22am

I am just about to start making an Asia Friend Finder / OkCupid account but before I do that, there are a few things I wish to write.

I just came back from guard today, and, surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard. I always hate guard because I have to suffer so much. In one day, I finished Book One of The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. My sister likes to read Harry Potter books but for me, this is it. Before reading those Narnia books, I read the Choose Your Own Adventure version of Narnia, called Narnia Solo Games. I played all four books and grew in love with the series. I’m thinking about making my own choose your adventure story.

There is one thing that happened to guard today that is very important. I was on my sleep shift and my sergeant had the same shift as me. He woke me up halfway into the shift and told me we have to go back to the ECP because there was some work to do. I didn’t quite understand what he was saying, so I started to ask questions. It went downhill from there. My sergeant became very mean and hard as stone. I’m a bit traumatized. I don’t understand why my sergeant is acting this way nor do I understand what is going on. Back at the ECP, I thought of a way to bring this issue up because this is an issue that needs to be understood and resolved.

I said, “Sergeant [name], it seems like I’m walking on eggshells. Why is it like this?”

As soon as I said that, my sergeant finally opened up and spilled the truth to me, and although I was nervous and a bit afraid, I’m happy to know the truth. He told me that I have a tendency to always want to know everything and if I do it in front of his superiors, it seems like he can’t control his soldiers. He went on and on trying to get me to understand his point of view. I listened attentively, eager to resolve this conflict. He told me that since my rank is a specialist, I should just execute and not ask questions about why. I thought about what he said and I told him, honestly, that he’s right. It is always me to want to know the big picture. I feel that by knowing as much as I can, I can grow in life skills, but I never noticed that my probing is bothering him. He told me it’s all about perception. If he tells a soldier to do something and that soldier asks “why?” it will make the sergeant look bad. I never realized this so I behaved oblivious to it. He told me he has to play the game, and the game all about appearance. Inside myself, I knew this is wrong. Why can’t man look at the heart also? I told him I will keep this perspective aware as a soldier. In this messed up world, these flawed rules apply, but I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. If you wait long enough, he will come back.

While I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia, the rest of my battle buddies are watching the TV show Lost. I ignored it and as I listened to the plot and the drama, I began to be upset. God’s truth in the Bible shines so much light on this drama. If only these people could start caring about others first instead of themselves, loving one another as themselves, if only they follow God’s ways, then boom! the conflict’s resolved.

James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

2 You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

If only these characters can stop living for themselves and start living for God and for others, everything will be blissful. There would be peace like a river. I can’t stand watching these secular movies. All I see is people trying to follow their evil desires. They need to live for God, not themselves. Amen! Desire leads to sin and sin, when it is full-grown, leads to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

These characters need to shut the fuck up and follow God, excuse my language, because His ways are the best. They fight for stupid reasons; they kill for stupid reasons, and in the end, they actually hurt themselves. Think of the possibilities if only the characters love one another and let God be the judge.

Psalms 25:10 ¶All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful ¶for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

12/6/2010: My desire

12/6/2010: My desire

There are many things I want to write about myself so far, but I don’t have time now. It sucks. The Bible is right in saying there is a time for everything. I didn’t feel like writing yesterday or the day before yesterday even though I have things to write. Partly, it’s because of my sin.

12/7/2010

S: 6:55am

E: 7:30am

These past days, I have been under tremendous attack, not by people, but by my flesh. I know that any human desires will eventually lead to death.

James 1:14 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.

15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I cannot do what I want but only what God wants. But, for the past three or four days, it has been almost impossible. I cannot sin against God. I cannot get pictures of girls and masturbate because not only is it wrong, but these people have a soul and spirit too. And I don’t care if it’s just their face, I cannot sin against God because they have a soul and spirit. Praise God, although I did masturbate, I did not get any pictures. Whew, I did my best to fight that one. I don’t know, it seems I have my own bio-rhythm, or time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The past few days have been very hard spiritually for me. I would play computer games instead of worshipping God, and then feel so bad that I do my best to worship God only to turn back to games again. I try to pray, I try to do right, but my desire burns in me. Often, I would look around my room to see if there are anybody watching me, so I can download those evil pictures, but praise God, I can’t. When I wanted to sin, my battle buddies are here, when they are not, I thought: It’s a perfect opportunity now, my conscience prevented me. I tell myself that I just can’t sin against God deeply and that these girls have a soul and a spirit. Doing these things will cause incredible damage.

On Sunday, I tried to memorize the Book of Psalms again, but although it is the most psalms I have read for a long time, I still fell to my desires. It is so not easy to follow God, I need to memorize the book of Psalms to live a holier life.

Today may be another difficult day so I’m going to sleep soon to gain energy, but let me first wrap this up.

Recently, I have a huge desire to find a girlfriend. I want to find another Endora, another Rebecca, and another Pricilla. I need to find a girl who loves God, and I thought, maybe I should go to Asia Friend Finder and try my best. I will not be afraid because God gives me courage. I don’t care about shame, because God is my judge. I don’t care if I fail because though a righteous man falls seven times (Proverbs 24:16), the Lord picks him up each time.

And, while I was in the shower, I was thinking, I can make more of a difference in the streets than in a church. I don’t know if I want to go back to church anymore because what matters is I love God and I love people. Of course I love my church friends, but the Bible says I need to love God so much that it’s like hatred compared to God (Luke 14:26).

I feel so much opposition. I feel many people are, or will be against me, but I must be strong and follow God. People can rebuke me, of course they can, and should, if they have God’s interpretation on something that I lack.

If I’m a country, I feel I’m most like Russia in World War II. I feel I’m alone. Those German panzer tanks are killing me, but the more they come closer, the more I’m weak, the Russian Winter of hope comes in. And if I commit, I have the resources and manpower to beat back the enemy. And, I’m alone too, I have no close or immediate allies. But, I’m big because God made me big, so I can stand not on my own two feet, but on God. I have the resources and land (potential) to be solo with only God.

8/3/2010: Every Man’s Battle

[private]

8/3/2010: Every Man’s Battle

 

S: 4:17pm

E: 4:58pm

 

2  This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt.

3  Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.’”

 

(1 Samuel 15:2-3)

 

7  Then Saul attacked the Amalekites all the way from Havilah to Shur, to the east of Egypt.

8  He took Agag king of the Amalekites alive, and all his people he totally destroyed with the sword.

9  But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle, the fat calves and lambs—everything that was good. These they were unwilling to destroy completely, but everything that was despised and weak they totally destroyed.

 

(1 Samuel 15:7-9)

 

1 Samuel 15:22  But Samuel replied: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

23  For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king.”

 

(1 Samuel 15:22-23)

 

 

Yesterday, I finally applied this passage to my life. I did guard duty so I had yesterday off. All throughout the day, I had the desire to release myself, to masturbate so I could release the pressure so I won’t sin against God more.

 

 

I was introduced to this concept when reading <i>Every Young Man’s Battle</i> by Fred Stoeker, Stephen Arterburn, and Mike Yorkey. Although the authors are not in agreement about this issue, the book said one way to release your built-up, sexual tension is to masturbate but only without thinking of girls, so you could release the sexual tension without sinning against God. But, the authors added, almost no men can do that! When a guy is experiencing sexual pleasure (by masturbating), it is almost impossible to block out thoughts of girls he likes. To be honest, I have only been successful once. Yes, this is a very personal and sensitive topic to discuss, but it still relates to my relationship with God. All the other times, I would go ahead and do it desiring to think of the girls partly because of my flesh but also to avoid the consequences of escalation (checking pornography).

 

I know the right thing to do is to resist the devil (my fleshly desires) until he flees from me. If I really put God first, I would trust and obey God. I would pray and pray until my desires are under control (I have been successful to some extent doing this). But, when the intensity of the desire hits, it’s very easy for me to compromise, to disobey God and instead, make sacrifices.

 

I would say, “After I release myself and in the process and sin against God a little bit, I would pray, worship, sing, devote, etc, etc to God.” In other words, He will be my number one again as soon as this sexual urge is released. Other times, I would get depressed because I lost this battle and would just play computer games to seek escape, which, in the long-term, would just makes things worse.

 

So that is what I did. I know I’m doing wrong, but I just can’t help myself. I am not strong enough yet. I would make deals with God. I would disobey God only to make sacrifices later. I am simply following the path of Saul.

 

I realize now the severity of my wrongdoing and will make a double effort to not sin against God in this area.

 

 

“<i>So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it</i>” (1 Corinthians 10:12-13).

 

 

I know that God will give me the strength to resist temptation if I fully seek Him. My help should not come from Egypt; it should not come from man, but, it should only come from God and through God.

7/16/2010 Hopelessness and the girl I love part 3

7/16/2010

S: 7:59pm

E: 8:45pm

A lot of things has happened in the past few days, but I want to keep my journals short and simple.

It’s easy to let the pleasures and entertainment of life to diminish writing my life story. Like yesterday, I was going to write but my bunk mates decided to watch <i>Avatar: The air bender</i>. Or, I would sometimes check Yahoo news before I write my discoveries (my term for journal writing) and find that my life just isn’t that interesting or urgent to write anymore. <b>I let the news, events, and pressures of the world diminish my own life.</b>

These past few days has been trying for me, but, it seems God always finds a way to help me, even when I feel hopeless that God actually will help me. My two old worries surfaced again: college and my dad. To deal with them would be too difficult and too much for me right now. I’m already under extreme pain and hardship (for me). I can’t fight anymore. I know that all I really need is to call my dad and everything should be okay. My dad still misses me and wants to contact me. My college? After I check the my truthful situation, I should be able to call them and ask for a second chance. But, the problem is, I know what to do, but I just can’t do it. There’s too much pain and trouble involved. There’s too much fear involved.

You know, sometimes I feel, and I think other people sometimes feel this way, that I just can’t take any defeat anymore. I am already under tremendous stress. Any defeat I receive will be too painful and horrible for me. As long as anything I try has a chance of defeat, it is not worth trying.

I want God to go before me, to grant me victory. I want God to go forward, completely wipe out my enemies and I just come and occupy the land.

<i>¶While he was still talking to them, the messenger came down to him. And the king said, “This disaster is from the LORD. Why should I wait for the LORD any longer?” ¶Elisha said, “Hear the word of the LORD. This is what the LORD says: About this time tomorrow, a seah of flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.” ¶The officer on whose arm the king was leaning said to the man of God, “Look, even if the LORD should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?” ¶“You will see it with your own eyes,” answered Elisha, “but you will not eat any of it!” ¶Now there were four men with leprosy at the entrance of the city gate. They said to each other, “Why stay here until we die?  If we say, ‘We’ll go into the city’—the famine is there, and we will die. And if we stay here, we will die. So let’s go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender. If they spare us, we live; if they kill us, then we die.” ¶At dusk they got up and went to the camp of the Arameans. When they reached the edge of the camp, not a man was there,  for the Lord had caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army, so that they said to one another, “Look, the king of Israel has hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!”  So they got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys. They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives.</i>

2 Kings 6:33 – 2 Kings 7:7 (NIV)

I know that I need to focus on the Lord of the Battle and not on the battle, for it is the Lord who grants me victory.

And also about the girl I love….

I have been very horny lately (of course, what do you expect from a bunch of guys living together with no female contact?). And, I have been letting these evil desires control my thought life again. It’s like the cancer. I have even made plans to alter my leave destination or plans so I might be able to indulge my sinful, guilty pleasures. Praise God, one way or another, and more due to hardships in my life, I was able to promise Him that even if I chose to kill myself, I will not sin against God. It’s not easy making that promise; I have to sacrifice so much, but I have to do it because my life and my body belong to the Lord.

I have been thinking about finding a girlfriend (it has to be, of course, a girl who loves God), but then I began to wonder if my promise with the girl I love to God is really valid. I remember myself on my bed, telling God that if He were to give her to me, I would dedicate my life and my firstborn (or all my children, not sure) to Him. I remember when I was in the field, in desperation (I just declared my love to her via Facebook and she blocked me), I opened my Bible to a random page. At the same time, my battle buddies in the tents were questioning me about my girlfriend and my desire for one. What I read in the Bible shocked me. The first heading and verses I read were about Jacob and his fourteen years of toil to get the girl he loved.

<i>Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” ¶Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.”  So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. ¶Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her.” ¶So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast.  But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her.  And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant. ¶When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?” ¶Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one.  Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.” ¶And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. </i>

Genesis 29:18 – Genesis 29:28 (NIV)

So I told my tent mates “Even if she blocks me and has no interest in me, I will still try to love her.” I then tried telling them about the story of Jacob and Rachel and how I should not give up. I forgot if they were still attentive to me. Afterwards, I felt so inspired, I wrote a draft I was going to post on Facebook titled “Seven Years.” Obviously, I hope you know what that means.

Yes, I would be sacrificing so much. I need a companion. I need someone who loves me and whom I can tell all my troubles and feelings to, and I would do the same for her. It’s wonderful to have a spiritual battle buddy, and especially if it’s your would-be wife!

I am already socially isolated. I don’t have any close friends of any sort (spiritual, hobby, personal, etc). I don’t have a close friend whom I can tell all my trials and troubles to. I do have a few good friends, especially in my platoon, but even to them, I can’t tell everything. I don’t feel a complete connection with them. Maybe that’s why I use Facebook so much, lol. <b>To go thought life alone without a friend who provides unconditional love, help, and comfort is a great handicap.</b> A lot of people would pay somebody to be their unconditional friend, but once his money is gone, his friend is also gone. It’s hard for me to find a unconditional friend in this world and it’s even harder in this day and age, when everybody’s living for the moment.

The only friend I truly have and He is my greatest asset is Jesus. It is Jesus who keeps me alive. I have already gone way beyond my capacity to endure. It is Jesus who keeps me living. It is Jesus who keeps my heart pumping. It is Jesus who gives me help, hope, and comfort every day.  Many times, He gives me just enough, but, praise God, it’s just enough!

It’s okay. I don’t know where my life is leading me but I know <b>who</b> is leading my life. And He knows and understands more than everything about me. In this world, it seems, I can only trust in God.