8/1/2013: My Story with God

8/1/2013: My Story with God

S: 12:42am
E: 2:12am

I haven’t written a blog in a long time. Today, I decided to read a few of my “subscriptions” which includes, cutefully, “Little Notes,” “Little Reflections,” and “The Trees will Clap.” I named my blog “Little Dream” because that is the original name for this blog. I have a dream, a little dream for this world.

I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow is the last day of class! I did not do my best in the class because I’m depressed, but I did fight every battle. I told myself that I don’t care if my work is horrible, what matters is I’m going to give every required assignment a try.

What I want to write is why I’m not going to church anymore. It pains me. I love my church, I love God, I love my youth group, but I have at least three reasons why I’m going to go home.

First, and in no particular order, if I cannot love my church fully, I would rather not love them at all. I know that if I love them fully, I will be rejected, or so my intelligence says. Being able to love them only a little bit, having limits to my love would induce suffering for me. I have like a “all-or-nothing” or “go big or go home” mentality. When I was still going to church, I had great plans. I want to eat with my youth group, talk to them, share with them, but I wasn’t able to. They were not receptive. It hurts me that I can only do so little. If I cannot reach my full potential, I would rather go somewhere else where I can. I know recently, my youth group is having weekly fellowship but I feel, through the pain, that starting it now is too late.

Second, I did my “best with God and failed.” It’s one thing to do my best and fail. I can just talk to God for forgiveness and strength. It’s another to do my best while asking God and still fail. I feel horrible. I feel betrayed. I feel my current life is just too hard. Going to church, trying, makes my life harder. I would rather stay home and love God privately. I think of the song “Good-bye” sung by Emily Bond and it conveys how I feel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYWGYuypozU). Lord, I’ve been travelling for so long and seems like I’m always saying so long so long. My life before the Army was hard. Army life was hard. Post-army life is hard. I’m only able to be alive thanks to God but continuing on the fight is just so hard. Unlike most people, I am different. I suck in this world. I don’t want to go into the details of why. You can read my other blogs for that. :) But I try, sometimes I do my best to rectify my weaknesses, to little anvil. I am still weak, I still suck. But it’s okay. If life is too hard, if life is too difficult for me, I have an exit strategy.

Third, people don’t trust and love me completely. To give an example, I have been going to my church for more than two years and yet, despite my effort to love, I still feel like not everyone there loves me. Ok, I know not everyone has to love me, but I feel that people there could love me more. I feel they only love me because of what I can contribute. I do the church powerpoint and sometimes I wash dishes. They only love me because of that. And, they love selectively. There are church members who just don’t talk to me and, to me, seem like they are avoiding me. Yet, when I stopped going, then they start to text me or act concerned. I find it kind of funny at this hypocritical behavior. When I was with them, they normally don’t talk to me, but when I am gone, all of sudden, they miss me. Why don’t they talk to me when I was with them? I feel I am at least half-right to say that they only care about money. If I have money, then I would be courted. I know that people there will treat me differently. I am at least half-right because America is a capitalist society. Rights and freedoms, if they are given out, are doled to those in the upper socio-economic classes first. One reason why my dad is so critical of going to church is because of this reason. “Money cannot buy everything” but I feel like, with wisdom, money could buy everything. Heck, in the Bible, we can use our wealth to gain treasures in heaven (Luke 16:9). So, I’m not going to church again until my annual income is at least $40,000. $50,000 would be better. Then people will respect me. Then people will love me. If I can’t reach it without the former, then I’ll leave this world because life will be too hard. [added later] And to add, I my church cannot help me completely. If I were to tell them all my issues and problems, they would probably reject me. They won’t be able to help me. I know this based on my experience with my church. I remember a time when a homeless woman came to our church. She lugged around a small red wagon with her “stuff” which are in suitcases. I chose to love her and to welcome her because I felt that is the right thing to do and I have a heart of love. During lunch that week, I did not sit with my youth group nor with church adults, but I sat with her and listened. I was the only one who sat next her. This is the kind of unconditional love I want from people. I remember Marisa and how she would greet and love people who are new. Unforuntantly, my love was not perfect. Part of me wished I didn’t get so involved with her because I saw her as a burden. Luckily, that week was my last week before going to LA to visit my dad. I told her that and said she will see me again in two months if she comes back to our church.

Some people may read this and call me “weak.” But, I challenge you that if you were in my shoes and if you were to experience what I have to endure, most will have probably given up long ago. In basic training, I was telling a soldier in public about very special problems and he told me to curse God. “[Your] Life sucks,” he said, “Why are you even being with God?” He told me he wouldn’t live my life. I have to concede though. I am not as strong as those people who live on the streets. If I have to live on the streets, if I have to endure those conditions, then I would rather die. Life would be pain and hell. When I pass by them begging on the streets I think about their inner strength. What gives them strength? How do they endure this? Why don’t they just die and be at peace? God will be the judge.

So these days, I am relaxing and doing what I want. I am trying to do what makes me happy. I am playing computer games and fulfilling my desires. But, I know it is second-rate. However, it is the best way that I can think of. I don’t want to try in something that will bring me pain. I don’t want to try in something that I can’t succeed in. I want to succeed in that. I want to be with my church but I can’t and therefore don’t want to because I already tried my best with God and failed. If I cannot be completely loving and caring, then I will be completely aloof. I will be distant and business-like. Because to be in the middle will bring me pain.

So, I am still going to continue in my Social Work program because I already made that choice. Whether I succeed or not, I don’t care. I’m just going to do my best because that is a battle I have to fight. If my best is not enough, then I have other plans.

I remember that many times, in the Army, I have come this point before, many times. But every time I’ve been here, God always finds a way to help me. I’m thinking this time, it may be different. But, it may not. I was going to give a testimony to my church and my introduction starts with this: “I told myself in the Army that I just want two things from God. For God to keep me alive and that I can always talk to Him anytime peacefully because I figured that if I can just talk to God, then I can have everything.” Maybe Satan won. Like in the Book of Adam and Eve, Satan buried the two figs that God gave them. Yet, God made changed those two figs into two fig trees. I am a child of Seth and even though, sadly, almost all of them went down to sin with the sons of Cain, I will still do my best to love God. It’s a tragedy. When they left the holy mountain to the sons of Cain, they could not go back up again. I wondered to myself what could they do to be saved? I am like one of them, a child of Seth, who went down to sin and darkness. But, instead of continuing in my sin like what the children of Seth did, I will separate myself from them and try to find others like me who want to seek God’s mercy again. Perhaps He will spare those children and maybe the Flood would not have happened.

It’s too late now, it’s too painful, I’ve tried (I think with God) and failed. I don’t want to go to church anymore until I have money because if I do, then people will respect and love me. I know this world is messed up. I can see it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it. Well, the only thing I think I can do, and the most important thing any Christian can do, is to pray. My whole life has been a failure and a story of God’s mercy on me. But it is too painful. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to say good-bye because I have been travelling for so long. To survive, I’m going to go back to my natural self, before the Army. I’m going to be super introverted and just seek God alone. I’m going to have a cold, distant shell to people because it will be too painful otherwise. I find joy in singing. I love to sing. I’m glad I have more than a thousand Christian songs in English, Chinese, and Spanish and when I sing those songs, I find joy, I find happiness, I find hope. So when I feel alone, I would sing. It’s too painful to go back, it’s too painful to try again. Partly it’s my fault and partly it’s their fault.

But I will try to continue to write my discoveries. I did that before the Army, too. My story will always be my “story with God.”

7/18/2013: Good-bye (Public Version)

7/18/2013: Good-bye (Public Version)

S: 1:05am
E: 1:30am

I know it is late and I have class at 11:40am tomorrow. I have been reading a few blogs or discoveries in the past and it conveys how I feel now. Maybe I shouldn’t write anything about myself anymore. I feel unwanted, unloved, unneeded, un-everything. The only difference between now and then is my grammar and a little more wisdom to know what to write. Some people suck at life and I am one of them. I suck at living in this world. I should have been dead long ago, if it’s not for Jesus. I was going to change myself for the worse, but I realized that in order for me to survive in this world, I need to do the strength, courage, wisdom approach. The blogs I write today I am not likely to read until maybe five or ten years from now. And, I probably will publish them but it will be private due to the judgments of men.

I feel like the song “I wanna run away never say good-bye….” I just want.. I just want nothing to do with people. I feel so hated and so alone. How long O Lord, how long? I can’t take this anymore. I.. I am taking too much pain. It is too painful for me. I just want to surrender.. and let God be my Judge because He sees the heart.

I feel this time there will be no remedy. In the past, I got remedies, I got help, but most likely, not this time. My best friend Waley is gone. I’m living alone. I can just ignore my church. As for my mail which is sent to a church family, I can just make cold visits to collect it. Worse case, I’ll just open a P.O. box. No big deal, at least, better than the alternative. I’m not in the Army anymore so I don’t have that responsibility.

I remember when just getting into UTEP was a big deal. I remember when getting into my Social Work program was a big deal. Now, I feel it is all a curse. Why should I struggle, to continue, to suffer more? I feel I am just getting small victories but losing the big ones. And those “small” victories are not victories at all. They just cause more pain and suffering and hardship.

I feel like I’m an “undesirable.” If this is World War II and I lived in an Axis country, I would have died. I am useless or at the very least, I think too much.

Lord, part of me writing this discovery is also to talk to you. cde. God, I don’t know what went wrong. I thought I did my best to follow You. Of course I messed up and I get depressed, but ——————————————————————. All things come to an end, except your Eternal Kingdom. God, I have a lot of desires, needs, and wants, and You know them. Not because I verbalize them but because You already know, and more than that. God, maybe I am a loser. I am a loser. I try. I am a person who honestly tried to do good, to better myself, to follow you and through You to improve myself, to be with people, to help people, and to do everything that is good. Lord, I feel like.. sometimes I feel like you are not there, that you don’t care about me. But Lord, I told myself that even if I feel that You are not there, I am still going to love You to the end. If my end is tomorrow then so be it.

God, you don’t have to but if you want to, please help me. Grant me my wishes, God. Let me know that You still care and love me. I need a —————————————————————————————————————————–. I really want to. The only reason why I’m still alive, why I still choose to live in this world is because I feel I still want to fight. But I’m fighting a losing battle because my morale is very low and it can only increase if you help me. Help me by giving me the girl you give me. Any girl you give me will be perfect, very good at least. I don’t want to be with people anymore. I don’t want to do anything, to progress in life anymore. I just want to rest and do what I want —————-.

But if I cannot do what I really want, —————— because what I really want will or should be what God really wants me to do. But I am depressed. I am seeking escape. I am playing computer games again. I don’t want to ———————————. This world sucks. I lose in this world. I want to win somewhere else. But I know it is this world that counts and the spiritual world that really counts. Sigh. Lord I’ve been travelling for so long so long. Seems like I’m always saying so long, so long. My pockets are all empty I got nothing more to lose, so take me home to Gloryland and take away my blues. Lord I feel far away from home. And I’m awful tired of singing all alone. Take me home to the Glory, I know that I’ll be then. That I’ll never have to say good-bye again.

6/11/2013

6/11/2013

S: 5:28pm
E: 6:26pm

Today I want, I mean I need to write my lab notebook but in order to do so, I need to get some personal thoughts out of the way.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I feel so alone, so unloved. I need more social; I found that out. Playing games is actually a desire to be with people. If I can be with people, if my social is satisified, then I wouldn’t play any games. Mostly. My mind is a bit dizzy right now and I feel sad and angry at the same time. Part of me wants to play games again because at least in those games, I can chat with people. I can work with members from my guild. I find that I’m playing games more for the social aspect.

People may think I’m like an angel, that I follow God all the time. Well, I don’t. In fact, judging the past few weeks, I follow my flesh more than I follow God. Are people going to blame me; Are people going to judging me? Well, fuck you then. We all mess up and being in near isolation is painful.

I’m glad I get to hang out with my youth group. I was actually very close to not going because, due to my loniness, I feel that no one loves me and I was going to say to them all “fuck you.” One of the X-Files theme is to “Trust No One,” and I feel that it is true. I know this is like a “We are not who we are…” post but I am just trying to be honest with myself.

That is what I’m trying to do with Facebook but it’s so hard because I’m afraid that my many “friends” would read me and judge me. I can’t even be myself; that is painful. Well, I could be myself, if I decide to go suicidal but I’m not at that point yet :). Well, mostly.

I am like a person who tries in life but still fail. Others try and succeed. Why is it that others succeed when I fail. We both tried. If this was natural selection, I should have killed myself. My life is useless and pointless. Being in the Army proves that. I suck; I can’t do shit. When I was in basic training, I had to have a baby-sitter next to me. I was like Gomer Pyle only with one difference: I also have God. It is God who carried me through. But why should I continue to live? Why should I prolong my suffering, my shame?

I was this close to saying “fuck you I’m not going to see [the youths] again and I’m not coming to church again.] I cannot trust people. Nobody loves me. I tried but still, I failed. I might as well live my pitiful existence with God alone. He’s the only One I can trust.

By helping Danny, I find that I am just like Danny. And that is why I can and want to help him.

Our youth group played “Mafia” during our reunion. What is not so funny is I almost played Mafia in real life. Anna and I thought about this game and together we implemented it. She would have to shoot me :p. But I remember that arm-wrestle I had and how Brother Lawton came and made Anna win. Why did he help her? Her left hand is stronger than mine. So I know that I will not win. God will be the judge.

The children’s series of Stream of Praise (讚美之泉) steadied my heart a little bit. I love their songs. One way that can fill some of my social hole is to sing-along with Christian songs and that is what I am doing nearly every night. I close my eyes and pretend I am singing these songs to God. I let the holy music flow through me. Sometime I imagine that I am really there at the concert and we are singing this together. Singing these songs can substitute some of my social isolation, but not all of it; Only the real thing can fill it.

Ok bitch, some of the social isolation is my fault but I couldn’t help it. I thought playing games can satisfy my loneness. I thought I am a special case and I don’t need people. But I did make many attempts to be with people and, to me, that is a big step.

I guess writing this helped me to feel better and once I publish it, I will feel more better because people can read it and see how I feel.

One thing I want to praise God about is getting in my classes. I went to UTEP yesterday because it is the first day of class. Mi primero clase es biologia laboatorio. Esto una credito clase. Vengo mi clase pero mi clase es mañana! Pero, mi profesor decirme a quedarse. Ok, back to English. My Spanish still needs practice. I’m done with Spanish 1301 (first-year) and I got a good grade but only because I was helped. The tests are open-book. If I submit an online assignment three time in a row, it will give me the answers. So I spent some time reviewing, actually more learning, from my old Spanish book. This summer, I’m taking Spanish 1302. Anyways, back to the story. I came to my Biology lab class but I realized that I came to the wrong class! The professor told me to stay and he’ll give me credit for my Tuesday Thursday class. So I’m happy.

After my Biology class, is my Spanish class, which is every day. However, I found that the class was cancelled because not enough students signed up. I went to student registrations and, praise God, I was able to find another Spanish 1302 class and another Biology class. I thought since summer already started that there will be no openings but there was. If I wasn’t able to find those classes, I would have been dropped from the Social Work Program.

Ok, I want to do other things now, maybe play some games :(, but I do feel better writing my feelings down.

12/3/2010: It’s just like His great love

12/3/2010: It’s just like His great love

S: 4:56pm

E: 5:59pm

It has come to my attention that some people are concerned about me. I want to reassure everyone that I am okay. I am alright. With God, everything will be alright. I write my journals and discoveries to reflect the truth, and sometimes, the truth hurts, but I must still tell it because my God is the god of truth.

Yes, sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I mess up. I slip and fall, but “do not gloat over me…! Though I have fallen, I will rise” (Micah 7:8).

Micah 7:7 But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

8 Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

9 Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD’s wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

Psalms 118:17 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

It is God’s great love that keeps me alive.

There is a similar episode during a time when I was a nursing student (LVN) that I would like to share with you.

Before my job as a tutor, I was a nursing student. Out of 400 applicants, I was one of the lucky 40 chosen to be in the LVN class! I was so happy, so blessed to have a wonderful opportunity in life! My dad had always thought nursing is a good choice for me since it earns lots of money and allows me to help people.

But, as time went on, I got lazy. I started to fall behind my reading assignments. I started to play computer games when I should have studied. I would get depressed and would play more computer games. There came to a point where I don’t even bother reading my textbook anymore, but relied totally on my notes in class, which is limited but is even more so since I get tired in class often. But, even then, for some reason, I managed to pass all my written examinations. God is giving me time to repent and turn back to Him, and, I tried, with tears, but I was unable to overcome the bondage of sin. After every gaming binge, I would tearfully kneel on my bed asking for God to forgive me and to give me strength. However, almost every time the temptations came, I crumble.

At the same time, since I have to go to the vicinity of downtown LA (I get off at Soto St.) to attend the East LA Occupational College, I am also tasked of taking my sister back from the Coburn School of Performing Arts. My dad would drop her off and I would take her home. After my classes, I would drive to downtown LA, go a little ways inside Korea town, and wait for her in the Coburn parking lot. I would usually spend the free time waiting for my sister on sleeping or on God. I asked God for hope and part of the reason why I lasted so long in my nursing class when I should have failed much sooner is because God gave me second chances.

On a particular day, I was feeling very depressed about my life situation. My grades in my nursing class have taken a turn for the worse and my nursing instructor seems to be looking for a way to get rid of me. I contemplated suicide then because I felt powerless. I felt powerless to study and improve in class, powerless to stop playing computer games, powerless to turn to God completely and worship Him. I really wanted to kill myself. Desperately, I turned on my laptop and decided to look for a song (Christian) that can revive me and give me hope.

One of my hobbies doing my college years is downloading Christian music. I would download as much Christian music on Youtube as I can. I would also download midi hymns and its lyrics. I would then sing everywhere I go, from walking to classes in 6th grade to riding on my bicycle to PCC, a community college.

I opened my laptop and decided to look for a song to save my life. One of the songs I listened to, did:

It’s Just like his great love

Edna R. Worrell, 1903

 

A friend I have called Jesus, Whose love is strong and true,

And never fails howe’er ’tis tried, no matter what I do;

I’ve sinned against this love of His, but when I knelt to pray,

Confessing all my guilt to Him, the sin clouds rolled away.

Refrain

It’s just like Jesus to roll the clouds away,

it’s just like Jesus to keep me day by day,

it’s just like Jesus all along the way,

It’s just like His great love.

Sometimes the clouds of trouble bedim the sky above,

I cannot see my Savior’s face, I doubt His wondrous love;

But He, from heaven’s mercy seat, beholding my despair,

In pity bursts the clouds between, and shows me He is there.

Refrain

When sorrow’s clouds o’ertake me, and break upon my head,

When life seems worse than useless, and I were better dead;

I take my grief to Jesus then, nor do I go in vain,

For heavenly hope He gives that cheers like sunshine after rain.

Refrain

O, I could sing forever of Jesus’ love divine,

Of all His care and tenderness for this poor life of mine;

His love is in and over all, and wind and waves obey,

When Jesus whispers “Peace, be still!” and rolls the clouds away.

Refrain

Yes, it’s just like His great love to give me hope and to keep me alive. This hymn also mentions suicide, but it then shows that Jesus comes and saves the day. It’s just like His great love to save me every day. I sang that song over and over again and cried much. Only Jesus can roll my clouds away and He surely did that day. That song revived me and gave me the strength to continue despite my life’s hopelessness. Because my God is the God of hope, he is the God who gives me hope.

——————————-

Now that my concerns are rectified, about my day:
Today is the first time I shot the M9 handgun! I was on ammo detail and we went to the range. I asked my sergeants if I could also qualify on the M9, and he told me yes, if everybody who’s supposed to qualify did, and if there is extra rounds.

I never fired a handgun before, so I was apprehensive. The target for the M9 is just a 25 meter target, with 5, 4, and 3 point area depending on how close the center is. I watched other officers fire, since mostly officers is assigned the handgun, and they all did pretty good. Then Davis, my battle buddy who shot 40/40 went and also did extremely well, despite the fact that it was his first time, too. Now it is my turn. All this time, I knew that in order for me to succeed, I have to live by faith, and I have to shoot by faith. I went up and I also did very well. I’m surprised! It is so much easier to aim and shoot a handgun than it is to shoot a rife. I got 23 five’s, 12 four’s, 2 three’s, and 1 (I just noticed it) miss, with a total score of 169. The max score is 200. I did as well as the officers. Davis, on the other hand, got a 196. Praise God!

8/13/09

8/13/09

S: 7:34pm
E: 8:07pm

A day before my birthday, I reflected on my life. Looking at all the e-mails of my past that I treasured. I think about all my friends that moved on. I lost contact to all of them. I remember the sweet times when I had them. I regret the times when I refuse to follow God in my high school years beacuse I feel angry. I feel hopeless too. All these memories. All these failures. All these regrets.

My church forgot me. That’s only derserving of what I get because I forgot my church, too. I failed college. I deserved that too. I didn’t study, and I actually got better grades than I deserved. God’s mercy is very great. I failed to control my evil self. My evil desires. My evil flesh. I failed time and time again. Until my dad praticaly kicked me out.

I joined the Army because I failed college and my dad kicked me out. But a deeper reason is because I failed to worship God completely. I was still holding on to sin. I was still greatly sinning against God.

I got through so much pain as a result of my decision. So much hardship, so much pain, so much loneyness. But somehow, God still had mercy on me. On this poor wetched soul. He delieved me many times in BCT when I seeked Him. He helped me in AIT when I asked for help. Even through I wander away, God still forgave me and helped me. And in my unit too.

But still. I feel so alone. I feel so loney. I miss all my long ago, long past friends. I miss them. I love them. I want to talk to them. To connect with them again. To bless and love them again. To fellowship with them again. But time has done its damage. It is done. There is no turning back.

Oh how I wish I can live life again. How I wish I can just start over again. I tried to talk to God to give me another chance that way. To say, “God, if you can make me young again, I will change my ways. For now I see my mistakes. Now I see my sin.” But I can’t. God won’t let me. It’s not fair for others. It’s against His Law.

So now what am I to do? It is depressing. So real. I am nothing now. I watch as this world is heading to sin. I watch. I can only watch. And sometimes pray.

Lord, can you please help me. Lord, you know my pains, you know me oh Lord. Help and heal me. Even through I messed up in my early life. Lord, help me. Forgive me God. Please help me. Give me a second chance with people. Give me a second chance with other believers. I want to fellowship with them. I want to fellowship with my church. I miss them. They have forgotton me, and I deserved it. I deserved it.

I deserved everything in my life. All the major decisons I mean. The biggest mistake is that I failed to worship and love GOd completely. I failed HIm. I failed. Now I seek Him. Now I love Him. Now I worship and adore and ask HIm for help. BUt now is too late. It cannot undo the damage that I have done. I can’t just talk to these people, these friends of mine again. I have to make new ones but they are just not replacable. It’s not a plug and fix solution.

Lord, what am I to do? SHould I write a long, lengthy e-mail to all three groups asking them to forigve me and love me and cover me in again? What will they do? Will they think I’m crazy? What can I do? WHat can I say? What can I do to have them be with me again. I know God is with me, but I still love to worhsip God with my fellow believers.

I don’t know what to do. My birthday. It means nothing. It is just a cursed day to me. It is just a reminder of time passing. OH how I want to go back in time, if only just a few years. I think I can see my life now. A life of misrey, pain, sorrow, shame. A life alone. A loney life. People don’t understand this. They don’t understand, unless they really want to understand me. ANd they persist to. Then they might understand.

Now I’m thinking. Now I’m thinking the impossible. Death. I just want to die. After all, all my former support is gone. My church is gone. My old CHristian friends is gone. Even my high school friends is gone. Canaan is now just a distant friend to me. Just a memory of what a friend used to be. And its all my fault. My fault. I did not seek God. I did not follow GOd completely.

You know, maybe I should just go AWOL and spend the rest of my money in a secret place, just worshipping God, just praying to God, just seeking Him. ANd then my plan is to die. Once my money runs out, or I’m found out, I will die. Die. Sweet death, Sweet departure.

Is it too late for me Lord? Is it too late for me to have my old friends back? I could get new grain and new wine because the Bible said so. But can I get the ones I love back again? I don’t think so. I love them, I miss them terriably.

I think its hopeless. I think my life is just hopeless. I failed God. It’s too late for me. The war for my life was already lost. ALl the major battles have been fought early in my life. I lost almost all if not all of them. Now, I can win every battle, but still lose so much. Still lose the war.

I’m dispairing. I’m crying inside. I’m broken inside. I feel so hopeless. I just want to die. Say good bye. Just die.

WHo am I anyways? Am I not just a man God created? Am I not just a breath that passes away? Am I not just like a flower in the field that fades away?

I can’t live my life anymore. I don’t care about other people, other soldiers anymore. I just want to die.

I don’t want to made any new friends anymore. I just want my old friends back. My old friends from childhood. I want them back. Or I will be alone. I hate being alone. I hate to be by myself. I want to travel through life with my church friends. I want to suffer with them. TO cry with them. To laugh with them. TO do anything with them. Lord help me. Humor is just a drug to me now. It hides the truth of reality.

So when am I going to die? I’m going to die as soon as I safely could. I will travel to a remote location. I don’t care the damage I can do to my country. I failed myself.

I want to just worship God, give Him glory, and then die.

23 Mar 09

S: 1632
E: 1635

23 Mar 09

I feel and am very distressed right now. I don’t know what to do. Lord help me. Please. I don’t think I’ll make it. I don’t think I can survive. I came to recuit support to help me on my journey but my plan broke at the start. I may make plans but it is the Lord who makes them succeed. I don’t understand. My plan isn’t selfish. I think it pleases God. I have the Lord’s hike almost everyday. I don’t understand. This attack might be Satan’s doing. Lord help me. Please. I love death. I want to die. To die is to gain for me. It is so painful, so full of suffering to live. I fell that I can’t live. I really can’t. Only with God do I even have a chance, even if its slim. No, with God all things are possible. Lord help me. Please.

3/19/2008

{written}  S: 8:34am  E: 8:43am  3/19/2008   Discovery

How am I feeling now?  I am feeling very depressed and unhappy.  Why?  Because I just had an argument with my dad.  I tried to understand his point of view and explain to him why I am not eating the food he prepared.  I want to be more independent, self-reliant, but my dad won’t let me.  He feels sad, and thus, angry that I am not taking his food.  I tried to use the Bible as a guide and it helped me.  Not beyond all doubt, but it helped me.  I guess there is always faith needed.

So now, here I am, sitting in the library.
Praise God that I can drive to school safely.
Praise God that I can find a parking space.
Praise God for telling me what is wrong with my parking.
Praise God that I can come to this library to rest and write this.
Everything really comes from God.
Thank you Jesus for everything.

19w

5-12-05

{written}

My Discovery

5-12-05  12:10am

I know, I should be going to sleep right now but I’m not.  The reason why is because I have something very important to share with you.  I know I’m so messed up, I love many different girls: Lydia, Anna, Rebeca, Namoi, Ashley, Julai, Jessica, Jennifer (yes, both) and much more.  This is one of the main reasons why I try to not get involved with a serious relationship.  I will think of another girl and commit adultary.  I hope the first girl I date will be my wife.  Looks like that is a fairy tale.  Everything is a fairy tale to me.  I’m tired of trying to be better because I’m not making any improvements.  I’m writing my discovery because no one else will listen to me.  I have no girl friend to talk too, and I have no friends (too personal + would like to share it with a girl) to talk too.  All the girls I like are all too smart for me.  Anna for example, has a much better future than me based on our grades.  People thinks that me taking two AP classes, I must be smart, well, there’re wrong.  It’s quality not quanity.  However If I’m not going to love anyone, how will I get rid of this junk passon?  Check porn?  No that’s sinning and commiting adultary.  Try one-night stands?  No, thats even worse, you are destroying your body.  Then what can I do?  I’m trapped.  My wish right now is to buy Anna a birthday gift (pencil box :) ) and to invite her to prom.  That will be my last and only love I will ever have in my life.  I want to experense the intense passion, love and joy of being bonded with Eve.  There’s no chance.  I always mess up.  Better die than be born blind.

4/22/05

4/22/05  12:10am
Ok, a bunch of crap.

+ A flower dies but a rock never dies.
Don’t show up, let your beauty be for you only
+ Sometimes your smart, dumb or both.
There is a time for everything.
+ The deeper you fall, the higher to get back up.
The more risk you take, the more excitement you get.
+ Nervous never does a body good.  Only kills.
Some ppl (like me) have ‘genes’ for failure.

I can’t speak in a world that requires you to speak.
I can’t not be nervous in a world that requires you not to be nervous.
I can’t be unshy in a world that punishes you for being shy.
I know I need to change but I can’t change.  Is it my fault that I can’t change?  Then why are some ppl making fun of me?  In their eyes, do I deserve to live in this world?  Or should I die?  What happens if I die?  I’m going to be more evil now.  I’m going to either say nothing or speak like a King.  To ingnore my pain or to kill it completely.  Not to mention overkill it.  I am either going to try or not try at all.  Either 100% or 0%.  Either do Naowi all the way or have nothing to do with her.  This means to take more risks.  But why if ppl make fun of me?  No, ppl Will make fun of me.  What can I do?
Let ppl suffer. Theres too many of us anyways.  We are helping them in the long run.

I always think of Lydia, but I know she would never love me.  I always think of Cathrine but I know that she would never even see me let alone love me.  And Ruby?  She can’t love me.  Part of it or ALL of it is my fault.  I screwed up my future.  Once I thought my future would be brighter as the Elven Star but now is it even close to a star?  There is no one who can love me.  My days are over.  I failed.  I failed everyone.  Games killed me, songs binded {could be “blinded”} me, hope fades away from me.  Hope drains me.  I hate asking people for help now.  Not just now, always, forever and ever!  Thank you God for creating this useless, stupid life!

4/18/2005

{written diary}

4/18/2005
S: 11:37pm
E:

I don’t care anymore.  I’m just going to fade away.  When ppl say something bad to me like “fuck you” or “you suck” or “he’s a loner,” I’m just going to fade away.  Let these arrows, words, bullets go through my skin and out the other.  I’m also going to stop playing games.  I believe it is destroying my past.  Of course its going to get worse but hopefully it can improve.  I’m going to be like a robot, a fading robot programmed for sucess; a tree that can withstand the deconds of evil.  Ok Ok Ok Ok I have no idea what or what I’m writting.  If theres something I don’t like I’m just going to fade.

“A good weapon is well if it hits well.”